#88-Revised Twice

Dear Query Shark:

Anne Wells expects nothing from life but to be married to the man she loves and to do what society expects in Regency England. Her easy plan becomes nearly impossible, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars. She is left a helpless, unclaimed woman in a world full of predatory men and is nearly forced by her parents into marriage to the unbearable Sir Thomas.

Why?? Why do her parents want her to marry the unbearable Sir Thomas?

I'm seeing a lot of this lately: events in books (or worse, queries) that are there because the writer needs them for the book NOT because the story needs the event to be cohesive. The story has to make sense. People don't just get married off to evil villains for no reason. It's the REASON that makes the story compelling!!

Her salvation comes in the shape of a “business proposal” from a handsome, near-stranger. named Edward Hill, who proposes a platonic marriage until her soldier returns to make her his again. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse, she accepts his hand.

Why on earth would some guy want a platonic marriage? What's in it for him? Again, the reason anyone would do this is why the story will be interesting.


There are a few aspects of her new endeavor, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier never returns from battle, and what if her marriage of convenience becomes something more? Anne must learn to face the endless complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where reputation is everything, and marriage is viewed as a business transaction.



I sought you as an agent because you were seeking my genre and I feel that we could work well together. My manuscript for Loyalty is 90,000 words and is available upon request.



Thank you for your consideration and your time.

Form rejection.
-----------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Anne Wells is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life. Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars, and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men. When she is nearly forced into marriage by her parents and the unbearable Sir Thomas (who views her as an object that he must possess) she readily accepts a “business proposal” from a man she hardly knows to remedy her sad situation. This man, Edward Hill, would act as a surrogate husband and would concede to annul the marriage upon her soldier’s return. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse than Mr. Hill, she accepts his hand. There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle and leaves her to endure a platonic marriage? And what if
Edward wants the business proposal to be something more?


What have I been telling you about big ass blocks of text?
All together now: DO NOT DO THIS.

Here's the opening paragraph with the white space you need in an email query:

Anne Wells is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life. Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars, and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men.

When she is nearly forced into marriage by her parents and the unbearable Sir Thomas (who views her as an object that he must possess) she readily accepts a “business proposal” from a man she hardly knows to remedy her sad situation.

This man, Edward Hill, would act as a surrogate husband and would concede to annul the marriage upon her soldier’s return. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse than Mr. Hill, she accepts his hand.

There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle and leaves her to endure a platonic marriage? And what if Edward wants the business proposal to be something more?

In the end, Anne learns the difference between fantasies and real life, and must face the complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where marriage is viewed as a business transaction.

I sought you as an agent because you expressed an interest in romance and historical fiction. My manuscript for Loyalty is 90,000 words and is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration and your time.

Now here's the critiqued version which has more white space cause I interjected my surly comments as well:

Anne Wells is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life.

This is tell not show. Telling not showing is a cardinal sin. What does she DO that would show us she's shy and naive about marriage and life.

Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars, and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men.

If she's a woman in paragraph two, why is she a shy naive teenage girl in paragraph one? Why is she helpless. She's got parents.

When she is nearly forced into marriage by her parents and the unbearable Sir Thomas (who views her as an object that he must possess) she readily accepts a “business proposal” from a man she hardly knows to remedy her sad situation.

So, why do her parents want to force her into marriage with the unbearable Sir Thomas. And if they can force her to do stuff, how exactly is she going to marry this other guy without permission?

And why on god's green earth would she even be tempted to marry anyone at all other than her honey pie? And when honeypie comes home from the wars expecting a shy naive virgin, and sees instead a pregnant woman saying "I had to do something to avoid the unbearable Sir Thomas" he's going to smack from here to next Tuesday.

This man, Edward Hill, would act as a surrogate husband and would concede to annul the marriage upon her soldier’s return. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse than Mr. Hill, she accepts his hand.

No other choice? She hasn't even started to consider choices. The nunnery sounds good for a start.

There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle and leaves her to endure a platonic marriage? And what if Edward wants the business proposal to be something more?

She sounds like a twit, frankly. I'm not sure twits can carry an entire novel without your readers wanting to defenestrate her.

In the end, Anne learns the difference between fantasies and real life, and must face the complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where marriage is viewed as a business transaction.



I sought you as an agent because you expressed an interest in romance and historical fiction. My manuscript for Loyalty is 90,000 words and is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration and your time.


Form rejection.



________________________

Original


Dear Query Shark,

I thought you might be interested in representing my novel, Loyalty, since you expressed an interest in romance and historical fiction. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Put the title of the book and the word count at the end. Start off with with the book is about.

Loyalty is about Anne Wellesley, who is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life. Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the War of 1812,

the British don't call it the War of 1812; they call it The Napoleonic Wars*
(There's a very good post in the comment section that corrects this)


and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men. When a man she hardly knows, Edward Hill, offers to marry her to save her from the overzealous marriage plans of a scheming, decrepit knight

knight is a social order in 1812, not a military category; the British army and navy do not have "knight" as a rank*
(and the post in the comments section clarifies and corrects this too; make sure to read it)


and annul the marriage upon her lover’s return, she readily accepts. There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle? And what if she falls in love with the wrong man?

Why the hell would she do this? You'll need to be much more specific about the danger she faces alone to make us believe she'd consider marrying someone for protection. Where's her family for starters?

In the end, Anne learns the difference between fantasies and real life, and must face the complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where marriage is viewed as a business transaction.

I have no writing credentials to recommend me except for my passion for reading and writing.

You don't need to mention that. If you have credentials, mention them. If you don't just leave this blank. You don't need credentials to write a novel.

Thank you for your consideration and your time.


*I'm sure you know that getting historical details wrong makes me crazy. CRAZY. It's instant rejection cause I know I'll be verifying every last detail through the book and I just do not want to do that. You HAVE to get this stuff right.


Form rejection.