#121

Dear Query Shark,

April is an ordinary girl with an ordinary life; the sort who is thrilled just by being wife. Sure, she used to be a feminist and she still gets angry when men open doors for her but there is nothing about her that sets her apart.

You've just told us there's nothing interesting about a woman you propose I should spend a novel with. Don't do this. Start where the action starts.


Or there wasn’t, until January 9th, 2009 when she came home to realize she was in one of more than 50% of marriages that don’t work out. Sometime between discovering her husband’s sordid affair was the least of his secrets and the mob banging on her door, she realizes that sometimes The Last Day of Your Life (as you know it) is only the beginning of something much worse.



The Last Day of Your Life is a story of solace for anyone who thinks their relationship ended badly.

Don't tell me what the story is about, show me.

April had been married to Drew for seven years when she came home to find him naked in the shower with a woman who represented everything that made April never want to live anywhere near LA; which she didn't, but apparently blonds with big breasts and the IQ of lint were legally allowed to live elsewhere. (1) She scoffs it off, says “it’s over”, and moves on with her life. She doesn’t need anyone anyway. Or so she thinks. But when her husband and his big breasted bitty disappear, the mob drops a calling card with six casings, and a detective starts asking questions she doesn’t feel like answering honestly, she discovers she may need more than her charm and sarcasm if she wants to live through it all. Of course, it is her charm and sarcasm which seduces one of Portland's finest into pleading her case and finding evidence just her side of justice. (2) It also happens to be her quick wit and delightful pecan brownies which convince two very dedicated mob men that they might have been better off playing hockey. Chaos, indecision, and lots and lots of secrets make up a most devastating attempt at life anew. This is not your standard, woman gets divorced and moves on with life story; this is the story the woman has to survive to get to that story. And if she does, she will need years and years of therapy.


This huge block of text is unreadable. When you query, break your query up into three sentence chunks EVEN IF IT MEANS YOU BREAK A PARAGRAPH.

(1) This sentence is both run-on and pointless. I've stopped reading right here because I'm very afraid that if you do this here in the query, you're going to do it in the novel.

(2) If I had read on to see this Of course, it is her charm and sarcasm which seduces one of Portland's finest into pleading her case and finding evidence just her side of justice I would have stopped reading there too. This sentence doesn't make sense. I think I know sort of what you mean, but this kind of sloppy proof reading is death in a query letter.
The world of chic lit

It's NOT "chic lit," Just for starters, chic is French and pronounced "sheek." The phrase is chick lit.
has been desperately awaiting the arrival of such a dark and delectable piece of fiction.

Avoid these kind of Ronco pocket fisherman statements. Just talk about your book.

Paired with two friends, some mob guys, a sexy detective, and her own mind made up, April takes the reader on a journey which proves to be filled with everything from pistol whips to lumpy mascara. The reader is sucked into a world turned upside down and it is only when the earth settles to a gentle rate of spinning once again that they will be able to clearly see what has happened.

Pistol whips isn't a noun. It's a verb.

Well, I'd like to know what happens. This doesn't tell me anything.

The novel is just over 55,000 which makes it short enough to not be cost-prohibitive to most publishing companies. I would be glad to send you the completed manuscript upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

I cannot tell you how much I LOATHE hearing writers talk about short word count as some sort of added value (like the Ronco Pocket fisherman says "but wait, there's more!)

For starters, the actual cost of printing the book is probably the least expensive thing in the publication process. For second, it matters not a whit. The word count is what it is. If you pared out 20,000 words solely to save some publisher money, turn in your Smith Corona for a Smith and Wesson and just go shoot your career now.
Sincerely,



Sloppy proof reading, and lack of a clear description of the plot make this a form rejection.