#150-Revised twice to a win

Dear Query Shark,

An Arab-American sailor in custody in a Detroit jail is spirited away to the Norfolk Naval Air Station to face charges of desertion, only to be gunned down by a sniper as he steps onto the tarmac. Mike Hayes, the sailor’s escort, is suddenly in the hottest water of his career.

The Chain Locker, a 110,000 word military suspense novel features Agent Michael Francis Hayes of the Naval Investigative Service, the same organization known under a slightly different name in the long-running CBS series, NCIS.

Furious, the admirals want Mike court-martialed; outraged, the politicians want his head. Mike, his fellow agent Charlie Thornblade, and Roya Solomon, the talented but testy Iraqi-American assistant to an ambitious Detroit congressman, form an uneasy alliance to get to the bottom of the killing.

Set in the run-up to the March, 2003 invasion of Iraq, The Chain Locker traces the mystery to the deadly heist of a million dollars of base exchange receipts in the Neapolitan countryside, and the killers to the bowels of a deserted aircraft carrier in the Norfolk shipyards, where Mike and Roya confront the killers and the stolen cash in the bone-chilling cold of the ship’s chain locker.

As a former naval flight officer home-ported in Tidewater, Virginia, I’ve used my knowledge of aircraft carriers, the service and the region to ensure the authenticity of shipboard and regional scenes. I currently live in Detroit – home to the nation’s largest population of Arab-American citizens – and have seen firsthand the tension between the Arab and non-Arab communities, which informs the motivations of Roya Solomon, the female lead.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,


Why am I not reading this?
This works.I'm gonna be damn snappish if one of my slithery competitors reads this before I get my jaws on it.




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Dear Query Shark,

An Arab-American sailor in custody in a Detroit jail is spirited away to the Norfolk Air Station in the middle of a cold, January night to face charges of desertion, only to be gunned down by a sniper as he steps onto the tarmac. Michael Francis Hayes, the sailor’s escort, is suddenly in the hottest water of his career.

So begins The Chain Locker, a 110,000 word nautical suspense novel featuringfeatures Agent Mike Hayes of the Naval Investigative Service, the same organization known under a slightly different name in the long-running CBS series, NCIS, and its spinoff, NCIS: Los Angeles.


Take out everything you don't need. If someone watches NCIS:LA they know about NCIS: the original. Also I have a particular loathing for the phrase "so begins".

Furious, the admirals want Mike court-martialed; outraged, the politicians want his head. Mike, his fellow agent Charlie Thornblade, and Roya Solomon, the talented but testy Iraqi-American assistant to an ambitious Detroit congressman, form an uneasy alliance to get to the bottom of the killing.

Set in the run-up to the March, 2003 invasion of Iraq, The Chain Locker traces the mystery to the deadly heist of a million dollars of base exchange receipts in the Neapolitan countryside, and the killers to the bowels of a deserted aircraft carrier in the Norfolk shipyards, where Mike and Roya confront the killers and the stolen cash in the bone-chilling cold of the ship’s chain locker.

As a former naval flight officer home-ported for five years in Tidewater, Virginia, I’ve used my knowledge of aircraft carriers, the service and the region to ensure the authenticity of shipboard and regional scenes. I currently live in Detroit – home to the nation’s largest population of Arab-American citizens – and have seen firsthand the tension between the Arab and non-Arab communities, which informs the motivations of Roya Solomon, the female lead.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,

And I'd still read it, you haven't shot yourself in the foot yet.





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Dear Query Shark:

I am seeking representation for my novel, The Chain Locker. The Chain Locker, is a 110,000 word military suspense novel featuring an agent of the Naval Investigative Service, the same organization known under a slightly different name in the long-running CBS series, NCIS, and its spinoff, NCIS: Los Angeles.

Put this stuff at the bottom of the query.

The novel is pitched at an audience that appreciates the combination of suspense and a hint of politics in a military setting. The story features an ex-fighter jock with a haunted past as the male protagonist, and a strong female Iraqi-American lead, one of the few that I have seen in the suspense genre.

You're telling, not showing. And any agent worth their salt in the crime novel game knows about the dearth of strong female leads of any persuasion.

The novel takes place in the run-up to the March, 2003 invasion of Iraq.

Start here, with what the novel is about.

An Arab-American sailor in custody in a Detroit jail is spirited away to the Norfolk Air Station in the middle of a cold, January night to face charges of desertion, only to be gunned down by a sniper as he steps onto the tarmac. Michael Francis Hayes, a former Navy pilot and the sailor’s NIS escort, is suddenly in the hottest water of his career. Humiliated, the Navy brass wants him fired; outraged, the politicians want his head.

Mike, his fellow agent Charlie Thornblade and Roya Solomon, the talented but prickly Iraqi-American assistant to an ambitious Detroit congressman form an uneasy alliance to get to the bottom of the killing. The action moves from Naval Station Norfolk, the world’s largest navy base, to a derelict cabin cruiser on the Carolina coast to the decaying steel towns of Pennsylvania.

Why is this hopscotch of locations important? Plot is the most important thing in a query.

Their attraction a two steps forward / one step back affair, Mike and Roya trace the mystery to the deadly heist of a million dollars of base exchange receipts in the Neapolitan countryside and the killers to the bowels of a deserted aircraft carrier in the Norfolk shipyards where the two of them confront the killers and the stolen cash in the bone-chilling cold of the ship’s chain locker.


As a former naval flight officer who was assigned to the USS Independence - the aircraft carrier at the heart of the story – and home-ported in the Tidewater, Virginia area for five years, I’ve used my knowledge of the ship, the service and the region to ensure the authenticity of the shipboard and regional scenes. I currently live in Detroit – home to the nation’s largest population of Arabic citizens – and have seen firsthand the tension between the Arabic and non-Arabic communities, which informs the motivations of Roya Solomon, the female lead.



If you would be interested in reading the first three chapters of the book, or the entire manuscript I will be glad to forward either a paper or electronic copy.

Thank you for your time and consideration. (I know you want me to read the manuscript)

I can be reached at (email redacted)

Kind regards,




Format problems: This arrived as a Big Bloc O'Text. Not impossible to read, but queries like this get skimmed, not read. Can I say "white space" often enough. Apparently not.

Bottom line: is this a book I want to read? Yes.
Is this a book I want others to read? Well, we'll see. I'd ask for the manuscript here.


This isn't the best written query we've ever seen here at QueryShark, and the voice is a little flat, but this is a classic example of right agent/right time. I love NCIS the tv show (although I watch it on iTunes on my computer). I'd rather take a chance by reading what may turn out to be a flat novel, than miss something. I think a lot of my ilk are like that.

Even though this isn't a great query, the writer set down the basics of the plot, the reason the characters are involved, and stayed focused. In other words, he didn't shoot himself in the foot. Sometimes that's all you need!