#171-Revised 6x

Dear QueryShark:

Frankie Donovan owes Nicky a debt he'll never forget. It sent Nicky to prison and Frankie to the police academy. He vows to be different than the dirty cops he knew growing up, but every day is a struggle to keep the oath., and he   He longs for the days when he and Nicky ruled the neighborhood.



Frankie goes to see Nicky when he gets out of prison, (you're missing connective tissue here) but Nicky soon disappears, resurfacing months later with a mysterious late-night call. He tells Frankie he has evidence against the head of a mob family and needs help.

The clauses in a sentence need to follow logically.  Unless Nicky disappears because of Frankie's visit, those two events don't belong in the same sentence.  You're missing the connective tissue if you want both phrases.  The question is: do you need them?  You've got to develop an ear and eye for this.

After two months and no word from Nicky, the murders start. Now Frankie has five bodies with mob connections, and the evidence points to someone from the old neighborhood. He can’t imagine it's Nicky, but when the other suspects end up dead, he has no doubt.

You really love those compound sentences!  As you build tension, the sentences should get shorter, the words sharper. You don't always need complete sentences.  (You get to break the rules on purpose if you want to; you can't break the rules by mistake)

Frankie is now in a quandary. He doesn't give a shit about the dead mobsters, but he owes Nicky. It's time for Frankie to decide if he wants to be a cop, or a gangster. And he has to do it before Nicky gets to him.



MURDER TAKES TIME is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series.

Put in the word count here.

I'm not jazzed about announcing a book is a series in the query letter.  The reason  is not that I don't want to take on books that can be series because I do. Most editors want books that can be the start of a series. 

I'm very suspicious that "star of a series" means the author has written five sort of ok novels, and not one outstanding novel.  I'm particularly afraid of that when I see queries with run-on sentences that aren't quite as polished as I wish.  Polishing a novel take a  long time. If you think it doesn't you're doing it wrong.

If this is a series, I'd rather see MURDER TAKES TIME (word count) is the first of a potential series.  That way you've told me you want it to be a series, but you haven't actually done the writing yet.

This is pretty close to ready to go out.  I strongly strongly urge you to hold off on querying until you've had a chance to really look at the novel again, and apply what you've been working on here: fewer long ass sentences; polishing up the prose; energizing your writing. 

 
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Dear QueryShark:

Frankie Donovan owes Nicky a debt he'll never forget. It sent Nicky to prison and Frankie to the police academy.

When Nicky gets out of prison, he disappears, resurfacing months later with a mysterious late-night call. He tells Frankie he has evidence against the head of a mob family and needs help.
After two months and no word from Nicky, Frankie wonders what happened…then the murders start. Now Frankie has five bodies with mob connections. At each scene he finds evidence that points to someone from the old neighborhood. He can’t imagine it's Nicky, but when the other suspects end up dead, he has no doubt.


Notice how you switch from Frankie being the subject to Nicky here? (Frankie starts the sentence in the first paragraph; Nicky is the subject in the first line of the second paragraph)

This makes the query feel jumbled. Stay with Frankie. He's the main guy. Example: Frankie gets a call from Nicky after he's released. He's got evidence...etc.

This example isn't stellar writing but you get the idea.

Frankie is now in a quandary. He doesn't give a shit about the dead mobsters, but he owes Nicky. It's time for Frankie to decide if he wants to be a cop, or a gangster. And he has to do it before Nicky gets to him.

MURDER TAKES TIME is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series. It is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York.

I don't think the setting matters here. It's a book about the people, not where they are. Brooklyn is evocative, but Wilmington Delaware? Not so much. (Sorry Delaware)

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,

It's getting better, but still not there yet. Take your time revising. Develop you ear and eye for taut writing.

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Dear QueryShark:

Frankie Donovan grows up on the wrong side of the law, always loyal to his best friends, Nicky and Tony. He counts the days until he can get out of his house, away from his screaming mother and abusive father. One night, Nicky saves Frankie’s life and changes everything. Tony goes to New York and becomes a mobster, Frankie becomes a cop, and Nicky goes to prison. It is a debt Frankie will never forget.

You're trying to revamp the entire query and that's a good strategy. What you've got to do now is pare down. Everything in that first paragraph is essentially "Frankie owes Nicky a debt he'll never forget. It sent Nicky to prison, and Frankie to the police academy."



When Nicky gets out of prison, Frankie starts hanging out with the old gang, longing for the days when he and Nicky and Tony ruled the neighborhood. Frankie has discovered that life as a cop is not as honorable as he thought. But he took an oath to uphold the law and he abides by it.



Then Nicky he disappears, resurfacing months later with a mysterious late-night call. He tells Frankie he has evidence against the head of a mob family and needs Frankie’s help.



After two months go by and no word from Nicky, Frankie wonders what happened…then the murders start. Before long Frankie has five bodies with mob connections. At each scene he finds evidence that points to Nicky or Tony. He can’t imagine it‘s Nicky, but when Tony ends up dead it leaves Nicky as the lone suspect.

I'm going to encourage you to leave Tony out of this. He ends up dead, so he's not one of the main characters even if he started out as one.


Frankie is now in a quandary. He doesn't give a shit about the dead mobsters, but he owes Nicky. It's time for Frankie to decide if he wants to be a cop, or a gangster. And he has to do it before Nicky gets to him.



MURDER TAKES TIME is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series. It is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York.



Thank you for your time and consideration.


This is better, but it still needs polish. Trust your reader to make intuitive leaps with you. Leave out everything you don't need to entice me to read on, EVEN if it's an integral part of the book. I know you can't stuff a query letter like a cannoli.



Still a form rejection, but better.

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Dear QueryShark:

Frankie Donovan has five brutal murders to solve, and he is baffled by the lack of good leads. But as he sifts through the evidence, certain clues stand out.

At the first scene thirty-two packs of Winstons are lined up on the table. His partner thinks it odd that there are no prints are on them;,but Frankie knows it's a message from someone in the old neighborhood. He just has to think back all those years and figure out what it means.

After the second scene, a package is delivered to him with eleven dead roaches. Now Frankie's suspect list narrows to Nicky or Tony, his two best friends. He questions Tony and gets nowhere. Nicky has disappeared.

When a dead rat shows up in the fridge of the latest murder, Frankie knows it’s Nicky. Then Tony ends up dead, and Frankie realizes Nicky is coming after him.

Frankie has no idea why Nicky is doing this, but he has to figure it out before Nicky gets to him.

MURDER TAKES TIME is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series, and is complete at 121,000 words(or whatever number pleases the omniscient agent). It is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York.



Thank you for your time and consideration.



I'm guessing you can hack 20K out of this without losing a single ounce of story just by honing your prose. I've done this for a couple people recently and once they've recovered (by this I mean they no longer need paper bags as inhalers) they see how to trim. My guess is you'll see it too if someone gives your novel some liposuction.

The central problem now is the stakes for the book are "will Nicky get to Frankie." In order to care about that outcome, we've got to care about Frankie. You haven't given us any reason to do so.

It's a lot easier to write queries for thrillers --I don't want the world to blow up if I'm in it after all-- than it is to care about some guy who clearly hangs out with a oddball crowd..or did when he was a kid.

Look back at our poster child for revision and tenacity #119. What finally worked for her was she quit revising the query; instead she took what she'd learned, and wrote a new query with a fresh focus.

You're on your third revision here and I'm still not enticed. Yes, it could be me. My guess though is that it's not.

Take some time. Think.

Form rejection
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Dear QueryShark:

Nicky Fusco is the mob’s best hit man. When they give him an assignment to kill a woman who is blackmailing them, things go wrong. Just as he is about to pull the trigger, she twirls her necklace with her finger. That reminds him of the only girl he ever loved. Instead of pulling the trigger, he takes her on the run and marries her.

Ah the ubiquitous shadowy "they." Yuck. Faceless, nameless enemies are boring. Think about it: Darth Vader wasn't truly scary till you heard him breathe. Even though other people were fearful of him, the audience didn't gasp till we heard him.

Avoid formless characters.

Now, knowing that you should avoid formless characters, how do you actually do so?

We don't need to know who gives Fusco the assignment. It's enough to know that he has been given it. That gets "them" out of the picture.

Consider: Nicky Fusco is the mob’s best hit man. His assignment is to kill a woman who is blackmailing the wrong guy.


Now hiding out in Cleveland, he turns to the one person he can trust—Detective Frankie Donovan. He tells Frankie that his wife has evidence against the head of Brooklyn’s crime family. A few days later the mob shows up and kills Nicky’s wife, leaving him for dead.


Ok, "the mob" doesn't show up. Unless it really is a mob of people. Someone shows up. Who?

And you undercut any kind of tension or suspense with that sentence that is now struck out. See paragraph (4) below.

Convinced that Frankie betrayed him, Nicky heads out to get the revenge he promised his dying wife. First, he kills the ones who shot her, leaving evidence at every scene that lets Frankie know he’s coming. According to the laws of the old neighborhood, he is saving Frankie for last.

Cut out every single thing you don't absolutely have to have. We don't need to know (in the query letter) that he promised his dying wife he'd get revenge. We only need to know he's going out to get revenge. Simplify everything to keep this taut.

(4) Meanwhile, Frankie Donovan struggles with the two oaths he took in his life—one when he became a cop, and one with his two best friends when they were eight years old. He is working the worst murders in the city’s history, and the evidence points to Nicky or Tony. He can’t imagine it is Nicky; the last time they spoke he was going to send Frankie evidence against the head of mob family. But when Tony ends up dead, it leaves Nicky as the lone suspect.

No "meanwhile" in a query letter. Ever.

And you've got a HUGE splat here. We're all caught up in Nicky getting revenge, and Frankie being the ultimate target when *splat* you start dropping in backstory.

The line "Frankie Donovan struggles with the two oaths he took in his life—one when he became a cop, and one with his two best friends when they were eight years old. He is working the worst murders in the city’s history, and the evidence points to Nicky or Tony" isn't bad writing at all. It just doesn't work here because we're already far far head of that part of the story.

Consider this: Frankie finds himself working the worst murders in the city's history and all the evidence points to Nicky. But he can't imagine it's Nicky: the last time they spoke Nicky was set to send Frankie evidence against the head of mob family.

Frankie doesn’t care about the five dead mobsters, but he needs to find out why Nicky is doing this. And he needs to do it before Nicky gets to him.



MURDER TAKES TIME is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series, and is complete at 121,000 words. It is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York.



Thank you for your time and consideration.


I'm absolutely convinced that you can cut 20,000 words from this manuscript and end up with a better book. The overwriting I see in queries is ALWAYS present in the novels they're for.

You've also got a pretty straightforward crime/revenge novel here, which is fine. The problem is there's nothing here that makes me think I haven't read or seen this story before and more than once.

Something has to tell me that this book will have fresh/original twist on an old story. I don't see that here, and that means it's a form rejection.

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Dear Query Shark:

Detective Frankie Donovan took two oaths in his life—one to uphold the law when he became a cop, and one with Nicky and Tony when they were eight years old and inseparable.

This is a long ass sentence. Think of the rhythm of what you write. You're writing a hard-edged crime novel. This is not the place for flowery sentences...unless they're lilies of course.

Consider this: Detective Frankie Donovan took two oaths in his life—one to uphold the law when he became as a cop;, and one with Nicky and Tony when they were eight years old and inseparable.

Now Tony is a mobster, Nicky is a hit man, and Frankie’s got five brutal murders to solve. To make matters worse, every crime scene has new evidence that points to Nicky as the killer. Frankie knows something is wrong and he's determined to find out what set Nicky off.

You've got a problem here in that we're not sure what "something is wrong" means. Does it mean Nicky isn't really the guy, or is Nicky the guy and something set him off?



With his lieutenant pressuring him on one side, Tony’s mob buddies from the other, and the FBI crawling up his ass trying to prove he’s crooked, the tightrope Frankie’s been walking all these years is getting thinner. His gut tells him he should turn Nicky in, but there was that oath...and Nicky had lived up to his end of it, saving Frankie’s life when they were younger, and earning himself a stint in prison.


So, why is Tony in this? And why is the FBI crawling up his asterisk? What tightrope? Cops don't turn people in...they investigate. Is Frankie investigating all the cases? What points to Nicky? Why would he NOT investigate Nicky? He didn't become a cop to let someone get away with murder did he?

You've got both too much, and not enough here. Not enough that makes this a distinctive compelling story, and too much of what I think of as throat-clearing, or preparation. Dig deeper, and give us some short compelling sentences showing an enticing story.


Frankie shook his head and cursed. The relationship with his friends has forced him to make many tough decisions, and now he faces the toughest one of his life; if he lets Nicky go, he breaks the oath he took as a cop and risks losing his job. But if he tries to bring Nicky in, he breaks an oath he has kept for twenty-five years—and he risks losing his life. Nobody fucked with Nicky Fusco.

Frankie blessed himself and said a prayer. All these years he has kept his honor, never betraying the oath to his friends or the badge, but now one of them would have to go. He stuffed an extra clip in his pocket and headed out. Somebody was going to die today.

No no no. Don't quote the book in your query. It just takes up space you desperately need for other things: showing us what the story is about.

MURDER TAKES TIME is the first in the FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR series, and is complete at 121,000 words. It is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York. I have the second book finished and an outline for two more books.

You have not revised and polished enough. I know this two ways: 120K words, and the two paragraphs you included. All the stuff about lean sentences and good energetic rhythm also applies to the book. Compound sentences are not your enemy but use only when needed.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Form rejection. I'm not enticed to read a story that has a formulaic set up, and the two paragraphs show me the book itself needs a lot more revising and polishing.

You're not ready to query yet. Your novel is not done. (I see this a LOT)



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Original version

Dear QueryShark:

My name is Niccolo Conte Fusco. I’m a hit man.

No no no. Don't write your query in the POV of your character. I know you're tempted to do it; I can hear that siren song of first person Query enticing you to do something Unusual! Fresh! Original! It's none of those things: it's a gimmick.

I'm not looking for gimmicks. I'm looking for hooks, yes, but there's a difference between a hook and a gimmick, and I know it when I read it.

Also, you do understand that while I read crime novels, I don't want to live in one. Thus if you really ARE a hit man, and you have my address, "yes come on over" isn't the first thing I want to say; it's "Suzie! Lower RAISE the drawbridge***!"

I’m thirty-three years old and wondering how everything went so wrong. But to understand that you’d have to go back to the beginning, back to when it was me, Frankie, and Tony that ruled the neighborhood. Frankie is now a cop and trying to pin five murders on me. And Tony…Tony is lying on the floor in front of me in a pool of blood, my bullet in his gut.


That's called set up. It's not conflict or tension. I'm not emotionally invested in a self-described hit man. In other words, you haven't snagged my interest yet.

Don’t judge me yet; I’ve done enough of that. Instead, why don’t you listen to my story and let me tell you about what happened in my neighborhood when someone broke an oath.

yea yea yea.
I'm sorry, but again, this isn't conflict. It's not a choice. It's not good intentions gone horribly awry.

MURDER TAKES TIME is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York, and is the first in a mystery/suspense series featuring Detective Frankie Donovan and repentant hit man, Nicky Fusco.

Well, it's not the first in a series if you don't get the first published. While I'm interested in books that lend themselves to a series, that's not the first thing I care about. I want to know what the book is about. You've given me set up but no plot.

Thank you for your time and consideration. A complete manuscript (121,000 words) is available upon request.


You can write. This clear succinct energetic writing. I like it.

What you haven't done is give me a reason to read on. No plot. No hook. And you're going to have to come up with something really fresh and new here. This is a well worn path. You really want me thinking "wow, I haven't seen this before" not "wow, this sounds like the plot of Lorenzo Carcaterra's SLEEPERS published in 1996."

Sincerely,

Form rejection



***thank you to the commenter who clearly understands the ups and downs of querying.