A lyrical query!

Dear Sir or Madam,

Will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?
It's based on a novel by a man named Lear
And I need a job, so I want to be a paperback writer,

It's a dirty story of a dirty man
And his clinging wife doesn't understand.
Their son is working for the Daily Mail,
It's a steady job but he wants to be a paperback writer,

It's a thousand pages, give or take a few,
I'll be writing more in a week or two.
I can make it longer if you like the style,
I can change it round and I want to be a paperback writer,

If you really like it you can have the rights,
It could make a million for you overnight.
If you must return it, you can send it here
But I need a break and I want to be a paperback writer,

Sincerely,

A. Beatle
      

#233

  Dear QueryShark:

I have been traveling, living, and working throughout Southeast Asia for five years.

Ok, so this is a memoir. Let's read on.

Mystic Fool is about a young man with a drinking problem, traveling through Southeast Asia, trying to find his way onto the path of the hero. He is a bright and well-read student of new-age spirituality and esotericism. These influence his paradigm and his experiences.

Ok, so I don't understand any of that but I get that it's a travel memoir, about finding yourself. Okedokey. Let's read on.

He begins on the islands of southern Thailand where he ritualizes the beginning of his Saturn return, trips acid on Christmas, then builds water filters, teaches, and becomes violently ill in Siem Reap. He continues through Vietnam, where his attempt to live in Hanoi falls apart, jettisoning him to a farm in northern Laos. In the golden triangle of northern Thailand, he meets a half-crazy old man who inspires him to live through his depression, whereupon he finds a job and stays in Thailand.

 Ok, I'm a little lost at "Saturn return" since I associate that with the planet first and foremost and with an education in the hard sciences, learned that Saturn wasn't hospitable to humans, but ok, let's read on.

His alcoholism and depression eventually drive him into an existential brick wall. While in Bangkok on his way back down to the islands to drink himself to death, he meets and goes on an adventure with a woman with whom he falls in love, and makes him realize that he can not only handle, but enjoy sobriety.

Ok, he's off the sauce, and on a better road. This is sort of Eat, Pray, Love, ok, that book did pretty well, let's read on.

MYSTIC FOOL is a 60,000 word travel novel. Thank you for your time.

Oh. It's a novel. Oops.

When you open your query with sentence about yourself and then your "character" appears to be just like you, and you fail to mention it's a novel, you've got a problem.

The problem is those people interested in acquiring novels will think it's a memoir (and stop reading.) And those people who read on cause they think it's a memoir are in for a big surprise here at the end.

Thus you need to remove that first sentence.

Also, there's no story here. No plot. 

I'm not surprised because this sounds like a thinly disguised memoir. (Call it a novel, no one will sue!) 

Real life rarely has a plot. Getting sober and finding love are important if you're the person they're happening to, but pretty much not to other people without some added ingredients.

#231

Dear Query Shark,

Some might think Pru has it all. She's young, industrious, and planted in a prime location on a grassy knoll. Overlooking the stream just beyond the new amphitheater, it's a beautiful site for any tree. However, Pru doesn't feel so beautiful, especially compared to the older, more developed trees.

One of my favorite parts of Lord of the Rings was the Ents, so I'm not going to stop reading here but this is pretty unclear. The main character is a tree?

Inspired by the performances at the amphitheater, she has an idea. An elaborate gown (like the ones the human actresses wear) would make her the most beautiful and unique tree in the park! Unfortunately, this seems an impossible task she cannot accomplish alone. So, she accepts help from Agar - a fast talking, shady mushroom with an agenda of his own. Pru soon discovers that Agar's help comes with a price too costly for her to imagine.

A tree and a mushroom. I hope this is a kids book, but this doesn't sound kid-like.


THE BEAUTIFUL ONE is a 2,300 word fable/picture storybook. It will appeal to children who enjoy classic fables and fairy-tales. In particular, Pru's story will aid parents, teachers, and children in their efforts to deal with issues surrounding self-esteem and acceptance though character education.

Ah, ok, picture book.

First problem is that queries for picture books include the text of the book. ALL of it. 

Second problem is I think 2300 words is really long for a picture book.  Picture books are 32 pages (that's an industry standard) Given that you need two pages for the title and the copyright page, that leaves 30 for text.  2300 words on 30 pages... a little more than 75 words per page. Once you see that you an see why your word count is too high.

Third problem is that I'm really REALLY hoping that kids sitting on laps hearing books read aloud don't have problems with self-esteem. Picture books are generally for kids who are lap-size.

I currently make my living as a visual merchandiser/manager, who enjoys telling stories through installing window displays. I convey different themes through using props, mannequins, backgrounds, and lighting. That's how Pru was born. THE BEAUTIFUL ONE was initially an idea for an art installation to evoke social commentary. The more I thought about it, I decided that Pru needed a backstory. THE BEAUTIFUL ONE is my debut as an author. I hope to feature Pru and her friends in a series of character education-based fables.

Aha! You're the visual side of things.  I bet you have ideas for the art, maybe even the actual art? You might consider pairing with a writer who can help you hone your story to the more manageable length: 750 words or so. 

Writing short is very very hard. It's like writing poems. Bad poetry is very easy. Good poetry is hard.  Poetry that illuminates and enhances art work, uses language for developing minds, and doesn't bore the pants off the adults reading it either...well, that's a real trick.




Thank you so much for your consideration.


You're not ready to query yet.
Get the text in shape first, then revise your query and resend.

#228-revised once

It’s a case of maternal love-at-first-sight for nurse Beth Ward when she sees the mysterious baby boy who’s been abandoned in her hospital. After enduring a life of abuse and abandonment of her own, she’s filled with an unshakable need to protect him. When the baby is declared a ward of the state, Beth is determined to adopt him. She risks her career, her relationship with the doctor who loves her, and possibly even her life, to make him her own.

After Beth achieves her desire and the adoption is final, her life is one of blissful contentment until the day she learns that her boy may be a kidnapping victim. Beth must decide between concealing his secret in order to keep the son she’s sacrificed for and come to love so deeply, or risk losing him forever to the grieving parents who gave him life. As Beth’s actions affect the destiny of countless lives, she discovers the possibility for joy in the midst of tragedy.

 This is the story right here. You'll need to expand on it. Tell us more about the birth parents. I think this would be agony for birth parents--their child doesn't know them, and to take their kid from the only mom he's known--talk about a dilemma. And at some point there's a crime being investigated here, right?

I almost never tell a writer to write MORE in a query, but you need more of the story here. Forget all the stuff about how Beth got him. Focus on when she's about to lose him.





BABY JOHN DOE (92,000 words) is a completed work of women’s fiction. I received inspiration for this story while working as a hospital medical coder. 

I get my best ideas in the shower but let's not put THAT in a query either.  Inspiration is important to the writer but meaningless in a query. 




Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Better.


Revise. Resend.

 -------------
Original
Dear Query Shark,

Johnny is kidnapped on the day of his birth. Beth is a divorced, childless, and jaded nursing supervisor who's given up hope of ever finding love and happiness. BABY JOHN DOE is the story of how the course of their futures are forever altered the instant their paths cross.

This is so general it's meaningless.  The one specific thing you have -- "Johnny is kidnapped"-- gets buried instantly.  We don't even know if Beth kidnaps him, or is the one who gets the heat (she should have been supervising more closely) when he goes missing.

Start with something specific---and connect it to the next thing that is also specific.

The moment Beth sees the mysterious baby, injured, unconscious, and alone, she believes she's been placed in his path to save him. While trying to adopt Johnny, she battles hospital administrators who want to take him off life-support, skepticism from her new friends, and even betrayal from the man she loves. When all seems lost and Beth contemplates ending her life, the baby miraculously awakens.


What? This doesn't make sense to me. Because you start with the fact that Johnny's kidnapped, we're expecting Beth to be the victim or the perpetrator. You've led with the wrong thing. The important thing isn't that Johnny is kidnapped. The important thing is that Beth found him alone and tried to help.  One of the elements of good storytelling is knowing where to focus your reader's attention. If you tell me to focus on the kidnapping --which you did by virtue of it being your first sentence--I'm expecting something other than what you're now telling me is the story.

If I'd read past the first paragraph, this is where I'd stop because right here is where it's clear to me  that you don't see that this is disconnected and that means you won't see it in your novel.

Your query tells a story, it should entice me to read MORE of the story. 

As Johnny grows, Beth marvels at the remarkable person he's becoming in spite of his disabilities. The only thing marring her new life is the nagging fear that his real parents will appear one day to claim him. At midnight on Johnny's eighteenth birthday, the kidapper calls Beth to tell her who Johnny's real parents are. Expecting the worse, Beth is amazed when she becomes united with Johnny's family through the love of their son.



I have many family members who joined us via adoption, I strongly STRONGLY object to the idea that birth parents are the "real" parents. Seeing that won't make me stop reading a query, but a book that promotes that idea wouldn't be something I want to take on and promote.

Also, more important I bet Beth doesn't think of those people as the "real" parents either.  If she's saved this kid and been the mom all these years, her viewpoint is probably just like mine: she's the mom. This kind of inconsistency bodes ill for the novel. 


Johnny matures, marries and has a son. Tragedy strikes when the baby needs a liver transplant to survive and Johnny dies without warning from a brain aneurism. Johnny's liver is transplanted into his son, saving his life. Even though she's grateful that her grandson will survive, Beth is angry with God for trading Johnny's life in the process. She wonders if everything she and Johnny went through was worth it. During his funeral, as Beth hears how numerous lives were changed through Johnny's inspiring influence, she realizes that even though she set out to save his life, he saved hers in the end. For the first time in her life, she is whole.



And there's no plot here as far as I can tell. There are events and lists of challenges and obstacles, but there's no mention of choices or stakes. You really need choices or stakes to be clear otherwise I read this and think "so what." That's not the response you're looking for. 

Also, you've just told me the entire story.  Don't ever do that. The purpose of a query is to entice me to read the pages.  This is like telling someone "Bruce Willis is dead" and then asking them to buy a ticket to the the movie***.  Why would I when I know what happens?

BABY JOHN DOE is complete at 92,000 words and is my debut novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


It's really important that you focus only on the start of the story and the plot in a query. The reason I beg plead cajole INSIST you read the QueryShark archives is so you can see how effective queries unfold and how to get the plot on the page concisely.  This query doesn't do either of those things.

And you don't want to summarize the novel or give a complete synopsis of it in a query.  It defeats the entire purpose of your query.

Re-read the archives. Start again. Resend.





***this movie

#227-revised 4x FTW

Thirty something year old Vivienne has had big dreams since childhood.

Winning an Oscar before she's forty and marrying a good guy with George Clooney looks.... being two of them.

The trouble is the men in her life have a habit of bursting her bubble.

So when she leaves London for the States and lands a promising movie role, her luck looks to be changing.

Until she gets played by handsome fitness instructor Jamie Parker.

And has no idea that her confrontation with him at the gym is being secretly broadcast by a third party for all to hear.

As the truth unfolds loud and clear, he loses his job, shady schemes and meal ticket girlfriend.

She only wanted to give him an ear bashing but now Vivienne is in trouble and made the immediate scapegoat.

Intent on revenge, he resurfaces with a tabloid talk show and a plan to drag Vivienne's name through the mud, jeopardizing any chance she may have in Tinsel Town.

Once again faced with a no good heartbreaker, she has to ask herself, how badly does she want to live the dream and is she even tough enough to survive the showbiz world.

The thing is, when it's in your blood, it's in your blood.

    


 The only thing I'd change here is I'd use paragraphs instead of single sentences.  

I think you've done a GREAT job on this revision. You've got all the pieces in the right places.  You'll need the word count and the category and a closing, but this looks good.





 --------------------------------------
Third revision

Thirty something year old Vivienne has always had big dreams.

Winning an Oscar before she's forty, marrying George Clooney and living happily ever after.
The trouble is, the men in her life have a habit of bursting her bubble.


Now that you've cleared out all the debris from the previous starts we see the reason this query is having a hard time catching my interest: the protagonist sounds like an idiot. There are "big dreams" for grown up girls, and big dreams for teenyboppers. Marrying George Clooney and living happily ever after is something out of TigerBeat magazine (do they still have that?) It's not the starting point for a book if you want us to take the story with any degree of seriousness.  It's one thing to joke around about marrying George Clooney; it's something else to make it your protagonists "big dream"

And since marrying George Clooney doesn't figure in to the plot at all, leave it out.  Finding a nice man who supports her acting ambitions: that's more what she really wants anyway isn't it?




So when she leaves London for the States and lands a promising movie role, her luck looks to be changing.

Until she gets played by love rat Jamie Parker.

And has no idea that her request for an explanation of his cheating antics will blow the lid on his shady schemes and lose him everything.

And here again: what? There's a purpose to his "cheating antics" (a phrase that does not resonate well since antics rarely cheat) ??

Intent on revenge, he comes back with a reality TV show and a plan to drag Vivienne's name through the mud, jeopardizing any chance she may have in Tinsel Town.

Revenge for WHAT?  As far as we can tell poor old not-Mrs-Clooney hasn't done anything other than ask why Not George is a rat.  That doesn't make revenge sound likely. It makes revenge sound psychotic.


Once again faced with a no good heartbreaker, she has to ask herself, how badly does she want to live the dream and is she even strong enough to survive in the showbiz world.

She's offered a reality tv show. What's not to say yes to? If she's an actor she'd leap at the chance to play toilet tissue (singing toilet tissue!) in a national commercial.

You'll need to be much more specific about the problem here.


Maybe London wasn't so bad after all...


The thing is, when it's in your blood, it's in your blood.


One of the very first things to remember about any query is you've got to make sure your protagonist sounds like someone I'll want to spend some time with. Either cause I like them, am rooting for them, am fascinated by them, or can't wait to see if they get eaten by wolves.  What they can't be is a two dimensional cartoon.

And the plot has to be real enough to make me want to find out what happens.

This doesn't do that yet.
It's better than where you started but it needs work.
  
-------------------


Second revision

Dear QueryShark:


Finally, Los Angeles has changed Londoner Vivienne's luck for the better.

A favorable acting job, a step closer to celebrity crush, George Clooney and a dinner date with handsome fitness instructor Jamie Parker.


I don't know what a favorable acting job is. I know what a favorable rating is, and I know what a good job, or a job with prospects, or a lead in a tv sitcom all are, but those are not things speakers of US English would call "favorable."

And this list is kind of weird: she has a job, and that's on par with one dinner date? She must not get out much.



But after the date, she finds out he has a rich, young girlfriend and is a total player. She confronts him and sees him for the shameless con artist he really is.


Welcome to Hollywood, Vivienne.
 If she found this out after only one date she's pretty lucky that's all the time she wasted.



Then he disappears.


As the dust settles, she gets back on track and finds that a nurturing friendship with stand-up corporate guy, Drew Simmons, blossoms into something more. Though totally different from anyone she's dated before, she realizes that her past choice in men brought her nothing but unhappiness. This time she was getting it right.

Life is good....

Then Jamie Parker reappears with a TV show and only one thing on his mind... revenge.


Revenge for what?

The sooner you get to this point - the shady ex turns up with a reality TV show in his hip pocket - the better. THIS is where things get interesting. Which is to say everything that comes before it isn't.



Naively, she faces the biggest test of her life. How badly does she want to live the dream and is she even tough enough to survive the showbiz world.


Why is she still naive?And what's the test? This is the first point where things get interesting and you leave us with no details.


The trouble is when it's in your blood, it's in your blood.

BREAK A LEG is a 103,000 word women's fiction novel. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.



There's both too much and not enough here. There's all this set up but the real story is the TV show. THAT'S the interesting choice. And it's interesting because there's a dilemma. There's no dilemma with Drew. He's the safe path. Thus...not all that enticing.

If you spend more than 20 pages of the book getting to the tv show, I think your book starts too soon.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


First Revision
Dear Query Shark,

Maybe it's the disastrous stage performance, cheating boyfriend, London or all three.

But Vivienne is ready to throw in the towel on her lifelong dream.

Until she heads to Las Vegas for fun and hits the jackpot: an offer of a movie role in Hollywood.

Now in Los Angeles, things are finally looking up for Vivienne, a favorable acting job, a step closer to her celebrity crush, George Clooney and a dinner date with a handsome fitness instructor Jamie Parker.

Get to the plot as soon as you can.  The story starts in LA when she is trying to make a new life for herself.


After the date she finds out he has a rich, young girlfriend and is quite the player.

Determined not to be humiliated again, she confronts him and sees him for the womanizing con artist he really is. This time around, she comes out on top, putting him in his place as he disappears.

As the dust settles, she gets back on track and finds that a nurturing friendship with stand up corporate guy, Drew Simmons blossoms into something more. Though totally different from anyone she's dated before, she realizes that her past choice in men brought her nothing but unhappiness. This time she was doing it right.

Life is good...

Then Jamie Parker reappears with a TV show and only one thing on his mind... revenge.

Vivienne finds herself taken on a roller-coaster ride to the shady side of Hollywood that was never mentioned in her gossipy glamour magazines.

This is too generic to be interesting. The next paragraph says the same thing, but much better.


Naively she faces the biggest test of her life, how badly does she want to live the dream and is she even tough enough to survive the show biz world.

The trouble is when it's in your blood, it's in your blood.

I like this sentence a lot because it tells me she's going to go for it event though we all know she shouldn't.

BREAK A LEG is a completed 103,000 words contemporary novel aimed at women's fiction. readers and It is my first novel. I am currently writing my second.


Thank you for your time and consideration.


I can always tell when you actually have read the archives! 

This is clearly better than the original but you've still got some tightening to do. When you're revising the question is always "can I take this out?" Revision is almost always the art of saying more with fewer words.


Revise. Resend.




----------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,


Catching her boyfriend cheating with the neighbor and making a disastrous community theatre debut all in the same hour was so painful for thirty-three-year old Vivienne Jaystone that she gives up on her dreams of becoming a famous actress and finding Mr Right and resigns herself to being stuck in a dead end Customer Service job in East London.

Right off the bat, that's a 59 word sentence. Here's a rule of thumb: if you can't say the entire sentence out loud in one breath, it's too long. Not always, but generally, and that means for sure in a query letter.

And second, let's think about the purpose of a query letter. It's to entice an agent to read on. This sentence goes from high to low. Vivienne is excited to make her debut and it goes flat, then she gives up her dream, and becomes a clerk. High, low, flat, splat.

In other words, not enticing. This is not what you want to do. At all.

That first paragraph should end on an upswing.  The only response you want from an agent is "what happens next" and six thousand interrobangs. 



Until, she goes on a girly weekend to Las Vegas where she meets a musician, Frank who offers her the chance to work with his band and pursue her love for actng.

Ok, so that's not how you spell acting, and spell czech will tell you so. I watch for these kinds of things. I prefer working with writers who obsess over every word and run spell czech twice. Yes, it's true I have clients who have forgotten to do that (and yes, we torment them about it forever) but they didn't forget in their query letters.

This is my introduction to you. Comb your hair, polish your shoes, check your spells.

Also this paragraph is the start of your story. It's where Vivienne is making a choice that leads to the story. The other stuff is backstory.

Inspired, Vivienne re-thinks her ambitions and takes a gamble, staying in Vegas, where by her career with the band is short lived after a chance meeting with small time director Michael Brown, who offers the opportunity of a small role in a low budget movie in Los Angeles.

So far there's no plot. There's a series of events. Don't know the difference? How to get the plot on the page is listed in at least a dozen QueryShark entries here. I purposely don't list them on the blog roll because Honest to Godiva I want you to read the entire thing. Yes, it's a lot of work. Yes it's going to take some time.

Also, the stakes here are so low that it's almost hard to care. Small role, low budget movie. There are a million people who have those roles. If she fails, so what?  

Will La La land give Vivienne the courage to conquer her fear of forgetting her lines on stage and help fulfill her dreams of becoming an Oscar winning actress? Will she finally find true love? Or will it end up being her worst nightmare?

This isn't plot either. 

And honestly, this just doesn't sound like anyone I know who's pursuing a career as an actor.  Here's where research comes in.  Look up the bios of actors and see how they got started. They may have done community theatre, but it was when they were six.  Most of them were in regional theatre at least, and more likely they were doing soaps, or indie films to get noticed.  Getting the details right is part of your job.

"Break a Leg" is a completed 104,000 word contemporary novel written with aspects of comedy, romance, drama and quirkiness aimed at women fiction readers, hoping to inspire readers to believe in themselves and their hopes and dreams. "Break a Leg" is my first novel and I am currently writing my second.

You're telling me this is a comedy in a letter that isn't funny; that it's quirky in a letter that isn't and inspiring in a letter that isn't that either.

You can forget the inspiring part. You're writing to entertain first and foremost. There is no higher purpose in my mind. But more than that, you can't tell me this is comic, or quirky and write this flatly if you want me to believe you. You don't need gimmicks. You need quirky comic diction.

And you can avoid the whole problem by simply saying this is women's fiction. Leave out the other stuff.

My name is (redacted)
I know that. It's in your signature line. This kind of thing in queries drives me bonkers because it's one step up from "hi, how are you." It's awkward and amateurish. Would you put that in a cover letter applying for a job?

I was born in London and raised in Loughton, Essex in the U.K. I currently live in California, where I have lived for eleven years.

None of that is important (in your query anyway--it's important to you the person of course.)

I am looking for representation and appreciate you taking the time to consider my work.


Thank you for your time and consideration.


You could be the best writer on the planet but this query doesn't show me that. It's listless and flat and has no plot.

When I get a query like this I don't even look at the pages other than a quick glance at maybe the first line to see if somehow, maybe, good writing has wiggled through.

This is a form rejection.

#226

FIRST REVISION

 Dear Query Shark,

Frederika Frosch, a transfer student from Austria, likes Lee Min Ho. She recently found out that he’s interested in her too.

She likes him, he likes her....so what? 

It really helps if there's some inkling of tension, or what's at stake, here in the first paragraph.  Set up is great but you have to show the bowling ball heading toward the pins, not just the pins at the end of the bowling alley.


It was three years ago that Freddy first met the transfer student from South Korea. Almost immediately, she managed to leave a lasting impression by soaking his designer shirt in a pool of hot coffee. Needless to say, he wasn’t too happy about it and resorted to ignoring her for the rest of their time at Riverden.

More of the same. She likes him, he likes her, they had a rocky start...so what.
At this point I'm impatient to see stakes. 

But there he was, speaking to her, on the first day of the last year of their high school career. Having transformed from thin air into someone Min Ho is apparently interested in, Freddy doesn’t quite trust the new wind that travels through the halls of Riverden. Because in Riverden, California’s International school for the rich and the gifted, you stuck to your own kind. You didn’t intermingle.

Ok. Here's a hint of tension: no intermingling. Except we already know they are going to do that cause without it you don't have a book.  What you need here is what bad thing is going to happen if they do intermingle. What worse thing is going to happen if they don't?


When Freddy finds out that Min Ho really likes her, the two of them get closer. Though before they have a chance to start dating, Min Ho’s entire female Asian fan club and its leader, Yoon Joo, start marching against Freddy in every way possible.

"marching against" is a very unusual way to describe what we'd call Mean Girls stuff. It's not unusual in a good way. It's unusual in that it makes me think they're leading protest marches...and that's nonsensical.

Metaphors, similes, comparisons, descriptions need to illuminate the story: make us see behaviour in a new way. This doesn't This is confusing. Confusing is not good.

From abusing her verbally, to making Freddy crash Bernadette, her beloved motorcycle, they have seemingly declared war against her. They even go so far as to involve the rest of Riverden. The school starts to show Freddy that just maybe, in contrast to what she believed at first, people aren’t that tolerable after all. Though Freddy and Min Ho don’t want to listen.

Still no plot. And you don't mean tolerable. You mean tolerant. (At least I think so although my assistant would say people aren't tolerable at all.)


Min Ho is, furthermore, part of the rich in Riverden and priceless to his parents who run several companies back in Seoul. Yoon Joo’s final move is to get the parents involved and Min Ho, shortly afterwards, disappears.

Aha! Here's the first hint of what's at stake. You've spent so long on set up though that I've probably stopped reading the query by now.

Freddy cannot figure out what happened. How can a teenager alone fight against the injustice of a world in which she feels like she doesn’t belong in in the first place, and that wants her to back off from being together with the one person she truly loves?

That second sentence is where I stop reading and send you a form rejection. 

While de-puzzling the mystery to Min Ho’s disappearance, Freddy starts to use her talent as a writer and writes a book. The story of a girl and a boy that couldn’t be together.

de-puzzling? Again, that is not a word choice that illuminates anything.

DON’T LOVE is complete at 65,000 words. It is a young adult romance and the first in a potential series of three. I was born in Vienna, Austria, am currently working on finishing my BA in International Studies and Marketing, own an online boutique and eat ice cream for breakfast. For more information check out my blog (blog info)

Put your contact info (and a blog is contact info) under your name.

I am guessing that English is one of your languages, and probably not the first.  Your command of it is admirable but it's also not publishable yet.



Your time and consideration are greatly appreciated.



You're not ready to query yet if your book is like this query letter. Spend some time with beta readers.  
Getting a lot of form rejections won't help you. Invest your time by joining a critique group. It can be of inestimable value to you if only to identify things like "depuzzle" "pool of coffee"  "marching against" and the difference between stick and stuck.



--------------------------
ORIGINAL QUERY
Dear Query Shark,

Freddy, short for Frederika, Frog from Vienna, Austria likes Lee Min Ho from Seoul, South Korea. She recently found out that he likes her too. Surprisingly. Because she isn't one of them. She isn't Asian, but Caucasian.

Her name is really Freddy Frog? Really? This makes me wonder if it's an animal fable.

Though as soon as Freddy finds out that he likes her and the two of them have the chance to get closer, Yoon Joo (also from South Korea), together with her puppets of brainless Asian barbie dolls, set out to break them apart. Bono, Freddy's bestest of friends, is thrown into the pool of toxic hearts and tempers when it turns out that he sort of likes Freddy himself.


Riverden is the place of the crime for passion. The most popular high school in Orange County, California. Made especially for the rich and the gifted.

If all the action is taking place in the OC why are you mentioning Austria and South Korea?

Although Freddy's still only a teenager she knows what she is and what she is not. She isn't one of the rich kids like Lee Min Ho, but one of the gifted ones. She's also not a person that gives up easily, least of all the boy she has grown to love. A writer is what she is. And this is her story. The story of a girl and a boy.

I'm with you right up to here. The rhythm is a little bumpy and there are too many characters, but I'm not looking for flaws in a query letter. I'm looking for a good story. Right up to now, I'm with you.

But, dear agent, you see this isn't your average love story. This story has a purpose unlike any other and that's why Freddy needs you to publish this book. She needs you to publish it, because this will be the only way she'll find him again. Reach out to him. Her impossible love. Through this book. Through words that are so powerful that they will spread across nations and ignite generations.
Through telling their story Freddy can show him that she still loves him. The guy she has recently lost. The guy named Lee Min Ho. Min Ho from South Korea.


And right here you go splat. And not just sort of. BIG FAT SPLAT.

For starters, I don't publish books. That's the publisher.
For seconders, what the hell does this even mean?
This is like breaking the fourth wall in theatre and talking to the audience. Don't do it. Just tell me what the book is about. Don't plead with me. Yuckola.

You have the set up but no plot. The plot is NOT publish this book.  

For thirders: this isn't your average love story is telling me not showing me what the book is about. 

DON'T LOVE or THE ART OF KILLING YOUR BABY is complete at 65,000 words. It is a young adult romance and the first in a potential series of three. I was born in Vienna, Austria, am currently working on finishing my BA in International Studies and Marketing, own an online boutique and eat ice cream for breakfast. For more information check out my blog (blog info)

This is the worst title of all time. That is not the category you want to be in let alone win.

Yes publishers change titles so you don't need to obsess over getting it exactly right but you want one that doesn't make me actively wonder if you have lost your grip on reality.



Your time and consideration are greatly appreciated.

This is a classic example of veering right off the rails, over the cliff, under the water, and out to sea.


This is a form rejection with the title now heading the list of examples of what not to do.

#225-Revised 7x

Seventh revision


Dear Query Shark:

Still rReeling from the sudden death of her mom, eleven-year-old Avery just wants to find that “new normal.” But, dDuring a summer-camp scavenger hunt, she looks up the call number of a book her father wrote, and discovers something unusual: his library record contains no death date. While she’d always wished to know her dad, he died before she was born. But maybe there is hope she could have a parent again. did he?


Because you start the next paragraph with "this mystery" you want the mystery mentioned in that last sentence. 

Faced with this mystery, Avery investigates the college campus where her dad taught while she’s visiting there and staying with her much older brother for the summer. When she discovers an air-duct passageway down into the library vaults, she digs into her dad’s off-limits collection. What could be so distinctive about his items that they need to be locked up?

You don't need every detail of why she's there in the query. There's room enough for that in the book.


But the library has more mysteries than Avery expects. Old yearbook photos and day planners hint at secrets that have already ripped her family apart, including a divorce and a concealed pregnancy. When she discovers her mom was not her biological mother, nor the man she always assumed to be her father, her dad, Avery feels betrayed by the only parent she’s ever known.

Leave some of the secrets for the book. You really only need the one about Mom not being Mom, because that leads to the feeling betrayed.



Frightened by this new future, Avery must face the revelation of lies and deception that are destroying everything she thought she knew. If she can figure out why her mother lied and cheated her out of knowing her real father, she might be able to find forgiveness and face her new normal with someone she’s always wanted: a dad. If Avery can’t find the answers, she is left with an uncertain future and an unknowable past.

DARCY TOWERS is my debut upper middle grade contemporary novel, complete at 49,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,



I'm in awe of the VAST improvement this revision has over the preceding efforts. You've done VERY good work here.


With just a bit more polishing, I think you've got a good query.


Your job now is to make absolutely apple-pie sure that your novel reflects all this improvement. There is nothing worse from my perspective than a very good query and initial pages that go splat.


Everything you worked on here should be applied to your novel.
















--------------------------
Revision #6

Dear QueryShark,

Eleven-year-old Avery’s life-long wish has been to meet her Dad just once, but he died before she was even born. That’s what she always thought until the day she typed his name into the computer at the library. To her shock and surprise not only is there a record for his diaries, but the library entry has no “death date” listed.



You don't need "that's what she always thought" because your reader can intuit that from "he died before was born."


You don't need "to her shock and surprise" because you don't need to state the obvious.

And the rest of those words come out cause you don't need them.  61 words become 49, but more important the paragraph doesn't clunk.


You've GOT to be able to see clunk when you're revising. Clunk is too many words, stating the obvious, awkward.  The ONLY way to get rid of clunk is to revise. Everyone clunks on the first draft. (I know I do.)



Determined to find clues about her Dad’s possible existence, Avery decides to investigate the college campus where he used to work while she’s visiting there during her summer vacation. When she discovers an air-duct passageway down into the library vaults, and she digs into her dad’s ‘off-limits’ collection.

But the library has even more mysteries than Avery expects. Old yearbook photos and day planners reveal a huge secret that has already ripped her family apart and means her recently deceased mom is not her mom.


Yikes! This is getting interesting!


Terrified of this new future, Avery must face the years of lies and deception shrouding her life. Finding and confronting her father, who had abandoned her and shirked his responsibilities, is suddenly the last thing she wants to do. All she wants is a families’ family's love and if she doesn’t find it that would be worse than losing her mom all over again.




Families' and family's are not the same word.  This kind of homonym makes me INSANE and the chances of looking past it to see the merit of the novel are very very close to zero.  

A good punch line is hardly ever a compound sentence.

DARCY TOWERS, my debut middle grade novel is a contemporary mystery and is complete at 47,500 words. I believe readers of DESTINY REWRITTEN or GENIE WISHES would enjoy this book.

Thank you for your time and consideration.






This is better, but the revisions I'm suggesting here are things you've GOT to get out of your novel too.  If I read this query and then found clunky pages it wouldn't take long to get a rejection letter.  You want a good query for a good manuscript.

Revise. Pay attention to the rhythm of your sentences. If they sound clunky they ARE! 




 ----------------------------------------
Revision #5

Dear Query Shark:

With the recent death of her mom and then being dumped by her aunt onto her much older brother, eleven-year-old Lauren Tatterman’s world is shattered. Her secret wish of having her dad rescue her from 'this life' has grown even stronger. But she knows that could never happen since he died before she was even born. Or at least that’s what Lauren’s always believed.

That first sentence is a real jawbreaker. The first sentence of a query needs to grab an agent's attention and not let go till s/he's finished reading the entire manuscript. This sentence does not do that.

Think short and punchy. That always helps. Start with Lauren too, not a dead mom and an uncaring aunt.

That is until the day she typed his name into the computer at the library and uncovered a clue about his possibly being alive.

This is a grammar grinder sentence. Doesn't it sound awkward to your ear?

I can't over stress how hard it is to write simple declarative sentences. Those sentences are grabbers. Grammar grinders are not.

Consider this: Lauren Tatterman had been told her father was dead. Today, noodling around on her computer, she types his name into a search engine. Suddenly, she's not so sure what to believe. Is her father alive?

Do you see the difference?

If that's your opening paragraph, you bypass all the back story (a good thing) and get to the heart of the matter.

Lauren’s determination to get to the truth about her dad leads her on a zig-zagged journey across the college campus where she’s staying (with her brother) for the summer. With the discovery of an When she discover an air-duct passageway down into the library vaults, Lauren digs into her dad’s papers and dairies. (really, he keeps cows in the card catalog?)  Will she be able to figure out the truth or maybe even a hint about why he left in the first place?

She hopes that finding him might mean getting to live the dream-castle life she always imagined he’d want to give her...

But the library has even more mysteries than Lauren expected. Old yearbook photos and day planners reveal a huge secret that has already been ripping her family apart. And when the FBI arrives to ask questions, everything she’s ever known starts to unravel. Opening her heart to the truth might mean destroying her one chance of having her very own dad – or would it?

The might in the sentence eliminates the need for "or would it."


DARCY TOWERS, my first middle grade contemporary mystery, is complete at 45,750 words. This is a stand-alone novel with series potential.

While I am a writer at night, I am an academic librarian by day. The setting of this novel takes place entirely on a university campus. I believe it would be a fun read for any middle grader, especially those who have older siblings in college or are just curious about a completely different lifestyle and place.
My first chapter, per your instructions, are pasted in below. Thank you again for your time and consideration.


 I don't get any sense of Lauren here. This all seems very remote from her. I don't get any sense of fun either, and the middle grade books I've read have all had elements of fun.  When I think of the books I read in middle school, my favorites were all pretty funny (Homer Price, anyone?)

This query isn't ready yet.




------------------------------

Revision #4

Dear Query Shark,

Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman always dreamed of meeting her Dad. Sadly, he died four months before she was born.  While on summer vacation her camp group visits a college library and she discovers that he might still be alive!

And here's where you see that the revision from #3 still just isn't quite right.  You've used the exact wording I suggested last time. When you looked at it did you think "aha! That's it!" or did you think "well, that's what she SAID to say so here it is?"  I'm guessing the latter, because it's still not quite right.

Let's try this:  Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman discovers the dad she's been told died before she was born might still be alive.

Now THAT is a sentence to entice one to read on, no?  But it takes four revisions and paying attention to the inner voice that says "not quite right" no matter what anyone else (no matter how sharkly) says.

A secret passageway from the library into the archive vault leads to her Dad’s ‘off-limits’ papers and dairies. Will she be able to figure out where he might be hiding or maybe find a message to her about why he left in the first place? 

I hate secret passageways. They are cliché. Does it have to be secret? Why can't it just be long-neglected, or revealed during renovation or something that doesn't require too much suspension of disbelief?

Finding him might mean living the dream-castle life she always imagined he’d want give her. Not this life she has now, with no Mom, a much older brother and an Aunt who doesn’t seem to want her around anymore. The documents are unfortunately just that: boring old notes about experiments, meetings, and endless columns of numbers.

But the library has more secrets than Lauren expected. And when a social worker and an FBI agent arrive to ask questions and begin making arrests Lauren must choose between chasing a dream or destroying what little family she has left.

DARCY TOWERS is a completed, contemporary Middle Grade at 48,500 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think you might be pretty close to a good query.  How's the book? Focused? Starting at the right place? All the things you've revised in the query should be used for revising your book too.

Nothing breaks my heart like a terrific query and not-up-to-snuff pages.  Seriously.

-------------------------------------

Revision # 3
-->

Dear Query Shark,

Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman has always dreamed of meeting her Dad. Unfortunately he died one month before she was even born.  When her camp group goes to visit the library on the college campus where she’s staying for the summer she discovers a computer file stating just the opposite: That he is still alive!

This is much better than the previous iterations.  We get right to the point where Lauren's life changes.

That said, there's some paring down to be done here:

Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman has always dreamed of meeting her Dad. Unfortunately he died one a month before she was even born.  When her camp group goes to visits the a college campus library on the college campus where she’s staying for the summer she discovers a computer file stating just the opposite: That he is still her dad is alive!

Do you see the difference?
 
With hopes of him being a famous rock star or millionaire, Lauren refuses to believe her older brother’s declarations that the library is wrong.

This sentence doesn't really work very well.  We go from "he's alive" to "hey, he might be cool" and then to her brother being a wet blanket.  This is zagging when it should be zigging. Each sentence should flow in to the next.

Start at the library instead:

Discovering a A secret passageway into from the library and down into the archive vaults, leads Lauren is determined to find the truth. If she can get access to her Dad’s ‘off-limits’ papers and dairies. There might be something indicating his location. Maybe even a message to her about why he left in the first place? But the documents are just that, boring notes about old experiments, meetings, and endless columns of numbers.

It isn’t until she finds the last box, stashed away in “the cage,’ that she begins to unravel the mystery behind her own family and possibly the location of her father.

 And here's where you go splat: what's at stake?  She wants to find her dad..what bad thing happens if he's really alive? What worse thing happens if he isnt'? What bad thing will happen to her if she discovers the truth?  What worse thing will happen if she doesn't?

 
DARCY TOWERS is a completed, contemporary Middle Grade at 44,500 words. It takes place on a college campus, in a college town.

Without the explanation of why Lauren is on the college campus (which is not in this version) it's better to leave this info out.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is better but it's not enticing yet. You've got to have stakes to create tension. 

Revise. Resend.
 


---------------------------

Revision #2
Dear QueryShark:

Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman is stuck living with her much older brother in a college dorm for the summer. It was a rushed, last minute plan when her aunt sped off to England without her. And now all Lauren wants is peace – to cherish the memories of her recently deceased mother. Finding a secret passageway into the university library offers promises of just that: some much needed alone time.

The problem here is voice. The words you use to describe what Lauren wants don't sound like an 11-year-old. "Peace" is what moms with a passel of loinfruit at their feet want.  "Leave me alone" is what a kid might say.

"Cherish the memoirs of her recently deceased mom"--same problem.

You're not writing this letter in the voice of your protagonist but the words you use to describe what she's thinking or what she wants to do have to sound like words a kids would use.

But the solitude of the library at night proves to be just the opposite with campus rumors of a resident homeless man, an even bigger cover-up of a library heist and worst of all: secrets about her own family. Risking discovery by the campus police, or worse yet, “big brother bossy-pants” himself, Lauren sets out to unravel the mystery behind her own birth. But it isn’t until she stumbles upon hush-hush online chats and texts between her aunt and older brother that she realizes what little family she has left might be gone forever.

 You've got too much going on here. What's the first point in the story where Lauren has to change something or take action or make a choice? That's the place to focus on.

With the help of a roll of duct tape, a Tupperware of spaghetti and a mother cow from the campus research labs Lauren finally realizes what she was looking for all along – and it was what she already had.

You've given away all the tension here. If I know how it ends, why will I want to read it to find out what happens next? 

I do love the idea that duct tape solves a problem. I love duct tape. Did you know it comes in colors?

DARCY TOWERS is a contemporary middle grade completed at 43,300 words. I am an academic librarian working on a university campus and after reading an agent's tweet once which stated one must write what they know, I was inspired to write this. After viewing your agency's website and what you're looking for and following you on Twitter, I'm hoping Lauren  and her kindhearted spirit might fin her way into your heart.

I was all ready to correct fin to find then realized of course, it was intentional.  That's the kind of subtle writing I love.

Also, don't write what you know. Write what you want to find out about. Write what you care passionately about. Write what you love or want to love, or hate, or think everyone should hate along with you

Write what you know would leave us all in the same stagnant pond forever.  You have to write beyond that. You have to leap into the Ocean of the Unknown and swim with the Sharks, chum.

And of course, no matter why you wrote this, you leave that out. I don't care.  Opinions vary on this (Jenny Bent likes to see why people were motivated to write their books for example) but I don't give a fig.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

You've got the word count under control now, which is good. Now let's get some voice, and some honing on the plot.

Revise, resend!

 ------------------------
Revision #1


Dear QueryShark:


Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman just wants to pass through her summer to get to the other side. After the death of her mom and the unexpected departure of her aunt to England, she’s stuck living with her much older brother in a dorm room on a college campus. The discovery of a secret passageway into the library and a secret room on the third floor is just what she needed for some alone time until her aunt returns.

This first paragraph is 79 words-almost 1/3 of the total but all it does is set the scene. 

Consider: 

Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman is stuck living with her much older brother in a dorm room on a college campus this summer.

23 words but more important---now I'm wondering why she's there.

But when fancy, old pictures and small booklets begin appearing mysteriously and Lauren realizes they aren’t just a “Heavenly gift” sent from her mom, she begins to investigate. What she discovers is that a large, university library is full of secrets: including a resident homeless man and a massive robbery operation. Things begin to get really serious though when Lauren uncovers photos in the library about her own past that match up with the recent flurry of secretive texts, emails and chats flying back and forth between her brother and her aunt. There is something they don't want her to know!

101 words. And all of them can be condensed to: her brother and her aunt are hiding something from her. Something she's afraid will destroy the small family she has left. Lauren must investigate to find out what no one's telling her before it's too late.

That's clunky writing but you get the idea. Pare down to essentials.

Suddenly her summer of laying low is gone as she sets out to foil the criminals and hunt down the truth about her past. Lauren realizes priceless items might be taken from the library for good and worse yet, what small family she has left might be destroyed.

DARCY TOWERS is a completed contemporary Middle Grade at 37,000 words. After reviewing your agency’s website and what you’re looking for and following you on Twitter I am hoping Lauren Tatterman and her kindhearted spirit might find her way into your heart.

This is better but it's still not there.

---------
Original query

Dear Query Shark,

Most students start college right after high school, so they are 18 or 19 years old. Some smarty-pants might graduate early and are 16 or 17 when they arrive on campus. Lauren Tatterman went to college one month after her 11th birthday.

And that was last week.

We don't need the set up of "most kids" or even "smarty pants" kids.  Start with the only one who matters: Lauren.

After the unexpected death of her mother, 11 year old Lauren Tatterman is doomed to spend her summer as a Coyote Kids Camper at Eastern State University. She has to live Living with her 27 year old brother, after the unexpected death of her mother. He who is the Residence Hall Director of Darcy Towers, the largest dorm on campus, .  Lauren is determined to make Mr. Bossy-pants' life miserable.

Here's where you go splat. Why is she determined to make Mr. Bossy-pants life miserable?  She's 11. At this point every adult in her life bosses her around. What's changed? What's different now? 

But when fire alarms, a tiny, injured rabbit and the campus library theives (when it's clear you didn't run spell check on your query, you contribute to global warming because it makes sharks weep hot salty tears) all collide Lauren realizes she has finally reached her goal of arriving at the fifth stage of the grieving process: acceptance.

And there's a sentence to choke a horse.

The reason this query would get a pass from me is that you've got more than one of these horse chokers and that's DEATH in a middle grade novel.  

But is that really what she wanted? Only a mother cow with a plate glass window in her side who lives in the vet teaching pastures knows for sure.

That's one helluva disturbing image for ME and I'm not in 5th grade. You can have something like that in a book, but you'll need time to prepare the reader for it.  I suggest it's NOT a good image for a query where you don't have any prep time at all.

DARCY TOWERS is a completed contemporary Middle Grade at 37,000 words. I am a member of SCWBI and have spent 15 years living "at college" as well, having seen it all, including the cow with the plate glass window in her side. After reviewing your agency's website and what you're looking for and following you on Twitter I am hoping Lauren Tatterman and her kindhearted spirt minght find its way into your heart.

As you know I'm reluctant to close with anything but thank you for your time and consideration but if you must be nice, this is the way to do it. 

Sincerely,

Focus on getting your sentences under control and showing us more about Lauren's state of mind.

This is a form rejection. Revise. Resend.

How I know you're lying** when you tell me you read the archives

You send a "query" that has this, and only this:


Title

your name
your address
your city, state zip
your phone number

Word Count: of the query no less, not even the book itself




Prologue:

(redacted)


Chapter One
 (redacted)



This is an example, one of the better ones actually, of a query that I just delete. If you've sent something to QueryShark and you don't receive an acknowledgment that starts:

Your submission to the Query Shark has been received.



then your query did not arrive OR it was deleted. Before resending, make SURE you follow the directions. If you keep sending queries that are clearly just plain wrong, your email address will be diverted to spam automatically.


**yes it's possible you sent the wrong query by mistake, sure. But no query should ever exist in this format.  Every single thing about it is wrong.  If you can't see that: READ THE ARCHIVES.

#224

Dear Query Shark:

She's short, round, and pushing forty, but Julia Kalas is a damned good criminal. For seventeen years she renovated historic California buildings as a laundry front for her husband's illegal arms business. Then the Aryan Brotherhood made her a widow, and witness protection shipped her off to the tiny town of Azula, Texas. Also known as the Middle of Nowhere.

My attention is engaged from the very first sentence. I love love love the contrast of "short, round and pushing forty" and "damned good criminal."  This paragraph does EXACTLY what a good query should do: entice me to read more.

The Lone Star sticks are lousy with vintage architecture begging to be rehabbed, so Julia figures she'll just pick up where she left off, but she's got a federal watchdog now: Azula's hard-nosed police chief Teresa Hallstedt, who is none too happy to have another felon in her jurisdiction. Teresa wants Julia where she can keep an eye on her, which turns out to be behind the bar at the local watering hole. The bar's owner, retired fighter Hector Guerra, catches Julia's eye, so she takes the job. Before he can catch any more of her, they find Teresa dead on the bar's roof.

"The Lone Star sticks are lousy with vintage architecture begging to be rehabbed" makes me weak at the knees with joy. This is exactly the kind of sentence that SHOWS the writer is in command of her craft.

This continues to engage my interest because the diction is energetic and full of vim and vigor: "begging to be rehabbed" "federal watchdog" "local watering hole."  

Enter taciturn county sheriff John Maines, who begins trying to pin the murder on Hector for reasons that Julia soon discovers are both personal and nefarious. 

Nefarious! oh you have my heart at nefarious. But you have it because it's exactly the right word, not just popped in to a sentence for show.  

Unfortunately, the evidence cooperates, (oh yes this is a perfect phrase!) but Julia's finely-honed bullshit detector tells her Hector isn't a killer. She risks reconnecting with the outlaw underground to prove it, and learns the hard way that she's not nearly as tough -- or as right -- as she thinks she is.

And there's the choice that sets up the plot.  Oh yes, I am primed for pages at this point.

NINE DAYS is complete and runs 80,000 words. I hope to feature Julia Kalas in a continuing series, and am currently at work on a sequel, SOUTH OF NOWHERE. I currently make my living as a licensed architect specializing in the renovation of vintage Texas houses, and have been writing creatively for my own enjoyment since I was a pre-teen. Two of my short stories, (title 1) and (title 2), were recently published online by (press)

Your time and attention are greatly appreciated.

This is exactly the kind of query letter that makes me reach for pages. It's energetic. There's not a word out of place. It's got plot.  It's got an interesting, and unusual set up.

And for the blog readers, if you read this and want to pick at nits, remember that my purpose in reading queries is NOT to pick nits. It's to find energetic writing.  I'm not looking for mistakes. I'm looking for novels.

So, is this query perfect? No. But it does EXACTLY what it is supposed to do: make me want to read more. This gets a request for a full manuscript by return email. 

#223-Revised 3x for the win

Dear QueryShark,

Naïve, beautiful, and a bit on the clumsy side, Emmy Starlight makes the unlikely climb from housekeeper’s daughter to Vegas showgirl to international singing sensation in 1963. The sweet young widow inspires America to believe we can be what we want to be. She dies in a fiery car crash just five years later. Her adoring fans never suspect the man behind the curtain - mobster Johnny Rosselli - who’d been pulling all her strings.

In 2006, Emmy Starlight stuns the world with the admission that her death was a hoax. She’s 70, alone, and tired of doing what she’s told. What she’s doing now is a show at the Stardust in Vegas. Its founder was a no-limits gambler who taught her to dream big, and she promised him she’d play his stage someday - but his suspicious death left the Chicago mob in control before it ever opened. Now the Stardust is set for implosion. And Emmy’s set to face the music. (I really like the double meaning here)

She’s rehearsing for her show when an armed felon bursts in, but not the one Emmy expected. This one claims to be her daughter – the daughter who was killed with Emmy’s husband in 1960. And she's telling the truth. The return of her baby is beyond even Emmy’s dreams. But now they need to find out why they’ve been kept apart... before the men who ordered the first murder get their second chance.


I am an actress with credits such as “this” “that" and “the other” I am also a tournament blackjack player with a passion for Las Vegas history and folklore.

STARLIGHT FALLS is a completed, 97,000-word novel that intertwines a current day suspense story with a historical Vegas fiction. Thank you for your consideration.



Do you like this better?

I sure do.

Now, what do you do when you "win" at QueryShark.

First, you congratulate yourself for sucking up a lot of criticism and revising without a single whimper or complaint.

Then you let this sit for a week.

Then you go back and look at it again. Look at every word. Is it the best word? Can two words be replaced by another without sacrificing energy or vitality of prose?

Once you're ready to go, you let it sit again. Look at it after that week.

Now you're ready to go.


--------------
Dear QueryShark,

Forty years after her “death,” superstar recording artist and Mafia moll Emmy Starlight stuns the world with her admission of the hoax.

When you have limited space to entice a reader one of the biggest challenges is making your main character sound enticing.  Here's a great example: superstar recording artist.  It doesn't convey warmth at all. In fact, just the opposite.  

Since I don't know very many superstar recording artists (ok, I know exactly one) but I do know quite a few NYT bestselling authors, let me use writers not singers as the example.

When I want to tell people about Charlaine Harris, I don't start with her success. I start with how nice she is. How generous to other writers. That's the stuff that makes her special to us all. Her bestsellers are nice and god knows she's earned them the old fashioned way (perseverance, dedication and craftsmanship) but the reason we love her most is cause she's good folks. Same with Lee Child. Same with a dozen or so other writers who regularly hit the list but aren't defined by it.

So how to convey that about your main character?  Describe her differently.  Was she "America's songbird?" Was she "Emmy the nightengale" What  endeared her to people enough that they remember her 40 years later?

This is why you write histories for your characters. Why you clip magazines for images that remind you of your main characters. It's how they become real.



At news of the When Emmy hears about the Las Vegas Stardust Resort’s impending implosion, Emmy emerges from exile for its farewell concert.

 I'm a big fan of starting sentences with the subject not a clause, particularly in query letters. I think it makes your writing sound stronger.  It's one of the things you teach yourself to notice in revision (those leading clauses) cause we all write like that ---on the first draft.

The reason I'm a fan of it particularly in query letters is that it's the easiest format for the reader to follow. There's no pause to think "oh, right, it goes with that person, not this other one."

The Stardust’s founder had been like a father to her, and she promised him she would appear on his stage. She never got the chance. His suspicious death left the Chicago mob in control of the Stardust before it ever even opened.

An armed woman bursts into Emmy’s rehearsal despite heavy security, screaming that she’s Emmy’s daughter. Emmy collapses at the memory of her child, killed in a 1960 car bombing, as ex-con Maddie Norman is hauled away. Despite the protests of Emmy’s loyal bodyguard, Angelo, she goes the next morning to find out what Maddie knows. The police have no record of the arrest.

And right here is where you go splat. We've got the basic premise of the book, now we're into such specific details that it's harder to follow.

Consider: Emmy, back in LV, is confronted by a woman claiming to be her daughter--a daughter killed in 1960. And she's telling the truth. What they need to find out now is why...before the men who planned the first murder get their second chance.

You don't need all the details you've provided here. We only need to get a sense of what's at stake and care about the outcome.

Emmy’s return to her suite is greeted by the sound of Maddie’s chambering gun. She’s telling the truth. The women unravel the betrayal that deprived them of each other. (clunkity clunk clunk clunk) Emmy swears she’ll give everything she owns to help her daughter fix her broken life. They’ll be a family again.

Emmy’s lovesick bodyguard turns his gun on the intruder, refusing to let his goddess be taken from him. Angelo vowed decades ago to love, honor and protect her, neither needing nor deserving her love in return. And he’s already killed once to keep her all to himself.

Angelo sounds like a putz. Give him some edge here. This is LasVegas not Smallville.

Retired CIA agent Walter Manheim listens on a wire. He ordered Emmy’s death when she discovered his involvement with the mob in JFK’s assassination. This time he’ll get rid of her himself, if Angelo and Maddie don’t take care of it first.


I am an actress with credits such as “this” “that” and “the other one” I am also a tournament blackjack player with a passion for Las Vegas history and folklore.

STARLIGHT FALLS is a completed, 97,000-word novel that intertwines a current day suspense story with a historical Vegas fiction. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Better. Much better. Polish. Revise. Declunk. Resend.

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Dear QueryShark,

Forty years after her “death,” superstar recording artist Emmy Starlight emerges from exile for the show of her life. Her fans aren’t the only ones eager for her return.

If you're using this as the enticement to read the book, it should be the start of the story.  I have a feeling that (based on the next two paragraphs) it's the climax.

As a young showgirl in the glittering playground of 1950s Las Vegas, Emmy accepts a leg up from enamored mob boss Johnny Rosselli and falls into a world of violence that claims everyone she loves. She’s beaten and raped when she refuses the advances of a high roller, and forced into a life of entertaining wealthy gamblers in the bedroom as well as the showroom. Emmy finds the courage to fight for her freedom when she becomes pregnant, but Johnny is willing to let her go only so far. He arranges her marriage to his nephew. When her husband and infant daughter die in a car bombing, Emmy becomes a killer herself, murdering the bomber in a bloody rage.






Johnny hides her at Tahoe’s Cal-Neva Lodge. She meets its owner, Frank Sinatra, who discovers her talent as a singer and skyrockets her to the top of the charts. Emmy becomes a close friend to Marilyn Monroe, consoling her through her affairs with the Kennedys. When Marilyn comes up dead, Emmy knows it wasn’t suicide. And when JFK is assassinated, powerful men decide that Emmy is a loose end they can’t leave in the wind. Still smitten, Johnny Rosselli fakes the hit and sends her into hiding.

All this is background to what you tell us is the plot: her return from a 40-year hoax.

If' that event occurs more than 70 pages in to the novel, you need a new way to introduce the query. If you keep this, I'm going to start skimming wondering when the real story starts. That's NOT how you want someone to read your book.

In 2006, tired of living in fear and spurred by the impending implosion of the Stardust Resort, (this sounds like a good event to begin the query) 70-year-old Emmy returns to keep a promise she made to its late founder. (what promise?) She stuns the world with the admission of the hoax. Her fans still remember her. So do the men who wanted her dead. (they're still around? How old are they now? 90?) And in risking her death, Emmy discovers a life and a love that she believed were long lost.


I am an actress with credits such as (yup, you should list this show)  (and that one)  and (if I knew more about current TV I'd know this one I'm sure.) I am also a tournament blackjack player with a passion for Las Vegas history and folklore.



An action-packed suspense story, STARLIGHT FALLS is a completed, 97,000-word novel that intertwines a current day mystery with a historical Vegas fiction. Thank you for your consideration.

Suspense is very often NOT action-packed and that's ok.  Unless you've got gun fights and ticking clocks and people hanging out of helicopters with hand grenades "action-packed" is probably not the best description.

Suspense keeps you on the edge of your seat more quietly but just as effectively.

Leave out the background and show us what choice she faces now and what the stakes are.

If you're writing a who really killed JFK book, you might as well just come out and say it.



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Dear QueryShark:

Forty years after her “death,” superstar recording artist Emmy Starlight emerges from exile for the biggest show of her life. Her fans aren’t the only ones eager for her return.


A young showgirl in the glittering playground of 1950’s Las Vegas, Emmy dreams of lifting herself and her hardworking mother out of poverty. Enamored mob boss Johnny Rosselli puts her on the fast track to stardom, and in the path of violence. When Emmy stumbles on a secret that powerful men are determined to keep, Johnny fakes the hit that’s ordered and sends her into hiding.

In the first paragraph, Emmy is a superstar recording artist. In the second she's a showgirl. Two very different professions. And if she's young in the 50's she's up against all the social norms of that time period.

Readers will "believe" a lot of things--from talking cats to flying dragons--but what readers believe has to fit with the premise of the story. Thus when you set something in 50's Vegas it has to match what 50's Vegas was. And it wasn't an easy place for a young woman to become a superstar recording artist, particularly if she starts out as a showgirl.

Tired of living in fear, 70-year-old Emmy returns to keep a promise before it’s too late. She admits the hoax to the world and announces a comeback concert. Her fans still remember her. So do the men who wanted her dead. And it’s only in risking her death that Emmy can reclaim her life.

"Reclaim her life?" She's been someone else for 40 years. Why now? What does she want to reclaim?

And what happened to her hardworking mom? Don't mention a character and then drop her over the side of the queryboat.

I am an actress with credits such as (redacted) I am also a tournament blackjack player with a passion for Las Vegas history and folklore.

So, I googled your name and sure enough there you are on IMDB. And interestingly enough you did NOT list the one credit that would most appeal to publishing folks: the smart, well written show you were on from 1998-2000.

I mention this because if you've got nice credits in another artistic field, and you want to mention them, mention the ones most likely to appeal to your audience, not necessarily the most recent or most popular. A VERY smart, VERY WELL WRITTEN under appreciated TV show is likely to have a lot of fans in publishing (me for starters.)

An action-packed suspense story with broad appeal to today’s audience of non-traditional women, STARDUST FALLS is a completed, 97,000-word novel that intertwines a current day mystery with a historical Vegas fiction. Further materials are available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

No no no. Don't tell me who it appeals to. You have to show me by how you write the query.

And I know further materials are available upon request. I bet you'd give me tea and cookies if I showed up at your house and  requested materials for a snack.You don't need to say this since we assume you're ready to show us a novel if you're sending a query.

(And it's clear from the comments section that you guys are a little touchy about this snack thing!)

You've erred on the wrong side of careful here. This is bloodless.

There's no sense of voice or style. There's no passion, no intrigue. Nothing enticing--and that's the death knell, cause the purpose of a query is to entice someone to read on.

Start over. Let your crazy out of the bag. Go nuts.  (Then revise)