#243-revised 3x

 3rd Revision
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Dear QueryShark:



Britain is at a crossroads. It's AD403 and Patrick, aged fifteen, doesn’t know he’s going to become a saint. He’s only just coming to grips with the disappointment of not enlisting in the army.

Patrick’s Roman father has chosen not to rejoin the crumbling empire in Rome. Instead, he’s bought a quiet farm near Wigton, Britain, and that means Patrick must now become a farmer instead of going to centurion training.

Patrick and his younger brother must spend their mornings with their tutor, and their afternoons learning to work the farm.

  This repeats the information in the preceding paragraph.  But (note 2) Irish raiders invade the farm, burn the buildings, murder three significant (note 1) people and kidnap the fittest.

Note 1

Murder three significant people: either tell us who, or leave it out.  I can hear you thinking "Oh, it will ruin the surprise if you know ahead of time who gets killed" but that just means you phrase it differently: killing people and kidnapping the fittest.  Coy hints in queries drive me batshit crazy.

Note 2

You want to segue from what happened previously to what is happening NOW (Irish raiders arrive)  When you move the query into a more immediate, urgent timeframe it gives the query energy.

This is where one-word revisions matter. You have: But Irish raiders invade the farm…

Consider: When Irish raiders invade the farm OR Then Irish raiders invade the farm.

Both When and Then move the reader from past events into the immediate present. 

It's more engaging.  It makes me wonder "what happens next" and right there is the first time

you engage my interest.

ONE WORD makes the difference. Part of your job as a writer is to know this, and be able to revise for this.  Sure your first or second versions didn't have it, but when you think you're

done, that's when you go back and look at every single word and think: is this the best word

for enticing a reader to want more.

And Patrick is one of the fittest. 

It will really help if we have a sense of what's at stake here. I know I implied in Revision 2 that a biography doesn't need an antagonist or choices, but a good story has these. If you can find them in this story it will help immeasurably. It's what entices a reader to turn pages, which is what you want.

Patrick The Younger, at 43,000 words, is historical fiction for 10- to 14-year-old’s. It could stand alone or be followed by one or two (partially drafted) sequels.

 I believe Patrick The Younger will appeal to readers who liked books like Catherine Jinks’ Pagan series and Jackie French’s The Oracle.

Thank you for your consideration.

Better yet, but not quite there.


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2nd revision

Dear QueryShark:

Britain is at a crossroads. It's AD403 and Patrick, aged fifteen, doesn’t know he’s going to become a saint. He’s only just coming to grips with the disappointment of not enlisting in the army.

Stunning improvement from the last effort.  This is very good.

Patrick’s Roman father has chosen not to rejoin the crumbling empire in Italy. Instead, he’s bought a quiet farm near Wigton, Britain, and that means Patrick must now become a farmer instead of going to centurion training.

This is very plain and simple. That's a VERY good thing here.  Technically I don't think it's called Italy yet. It's the Roman Empire isn't it? "Crumbling empire in Rome" is probably more accurate. I have a feeling some of the blog commenters will set us straight.

Patrick and his younger brother must spend their mornings with their tutor, and their afternoons learning to work the farm.

But Irish raiders attack the farm, burn the buildings, kidnap the fittest, and murder anyone who gets in their path.

"murder anyone who gets in their path" is too removed from what you tell us in the first half of the sentence. If the raiders are on Patrick's family farm, and they burn the buildings, kidnap the fittest, and murder anyone…who do they kill?  Be specific.

And this is where Patrick’s journey to saintdom begins – he gets kidnapped.

Consider simply saying this: Patrick is one of the fittest.

See the difference?

Here's where you allow your reader to make the leap with you.  You don't need to say this is the start of his journey--we  intuit that.

And don't be afraid to leave it at this point: Patrick being kidnapped.  You've set the scene nicely.  I'm enticed to read on.  What follows isn't any where near as good and just weakens my desire to read more.

Normally I'd ask for antagonists and choices, but this is a biography, not a novel. 

Not training as a centurion is suddenly far from Patrick’s mind. The chains on his wrists and ankles, the foul belly of a ship tossed on the sea, the tiny, locked hut, the madman beating him, the plunge over a cliff – these are what strip his soul. When he wakes one day in a hole of human bones, Patrick all but surrenders to his fate.

Until someone unexpected turns up.

Patrick The Younger, at 43,000 words, is historical fiction for 10- to 14-year-old’s. It could stand alone or be followed by two (partially drafted) sequels.

I believe Patrick The Younger will fit well in [Publisher Name]’s  catalogue.

Are you writing to editors directly? If so, it's probably ok to leave this as a general statement. If you're querying AGENTS you'll need to give comps: what books are like this one. Pick books published recently and books you liked.  You say Patrick The Younger will appeal to readers who liked "This" "That" and "The Other."

This is a vast improvement over the first try.  Good revision.  Now, once more into the breach.

 Original Query
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a. Word Count: 43,000
b. Title: Patrick – The Younger [Children's Historical Fiction]
c. Contact Info: (author name)

You know not to start with this because you read the archives. Don't start with this. Don't start with ANYTHING except Dear (name)

email: (author email)
phone: (phone number plus international dialing code)
web: (website)

You put this at the bottom of the query. It's housekeeping. Don't waste the most valuable real estate in a query on this stuff.

Because you include the international dialing code, I know you're not in the US.  It will help if you tell me where you are.  


And because you included your website I  took a look: You have a page labelled Publishers/Editors/Agents.  You can bet I clicked on that. An error 404 message popped up. Then you include instructions on how to click on a link--information that pretty much everyone knows by now.  And you have spelling errors.  And then the kicker: turns out you've got a book being published this year. A book you don't mention in your query.

The reason I mention all this is because when you send a query with a link to your website, you want to make sure the website is spruced up first.  No 404 error messages.  No missing pages.

And it's clear that your page is intended for your readers, younger kids.  You might want to rethink including the site in your query.  Because the tone is for young readers it sounds odd to me.






Query:

I know this is a query. You don't need to label it. 





Dear Editor [N.B. I searched then phoned but the publisher would not give me a name to send to... just 'Editor'.]

If you're submitting directly to a publisher, follow the directions on the publisher's website. Do not telephone to get a name if it says to submit to Submissions, or Editorial or Department XYZ. You'd be surprised how often people outsmart themselves by simply not following basic directions.


The most important reason to do that is that if you follow the directions, you're more likely to look competent.

The second reason to do that is that when the mail comes in, the person who sorts and delivers it is following a list. Mail for Editorial goes to the person whose job it is to sort incoming queries.  Mail to Editor Amazing goes to Editor Amazing, who puts it in a corner and there it sits. A publisher is not trying to trick you with submission guidelines. They're trying to give you information to get your query to the right person.  Trust them.


Patrik’s father has a plan for his son’s future, but the plan fits with Patrik’s heritage and not with Patrik’s desires or his personality.



 I"m sure there's a reason you're spelling Patrick without the C, but if you read as many queries as I do, this says dystopian or science fiction fantasy to me.  Since that's NOT what you're writing, you're sending the wrong signal. Even if his name is spelled without the C in the first part of the book, you don't have enough room here to explain that.

Also, I'd be hard pressed to come up with a LESS compelling hook for a book: a son doesn't want to do what his father has planned for him. 


Patrik will turn sixteen soon and then must follow his father’s footsteps. But on a sunny afternoon, raiders plunder their estate, murder family and workers, burn buildings, steal family treasures and snatch those people suitable for slavery.

What footsteps?
Is it important that we know the raid took place on a sunny afternoon rather than in the gloom of night, or the mist of dawn?  And frankly I'd be shocked if the raiders didn't do those things you mention.  They are, after all, raiders.

The core of the problem here is that you haven't started with anything unusual let alone enticing.  We're two paragraphs in and my Interest O'Meter is flat. Your language is flat, your word choices are flat, and you're telling us about murder and mayhem like it's a weather report.


Patrik is kidnapped with three others. He frees his mother’s maid, Finola, but in the process loses his only weapon. The raiders take Patrik and workers, Ardon and Nia, by cart then ship, and carry them far away. The three are separated and auctioned as slaves.

This is dull.  I'm sorry, but it's just plain dull.  It's like a police blotter report rather than an adventure novel.  I'm not going to read pages here because you are not showing me good writing.


One will never see the other two again.

This is the high point? We don't even know who you're talking about.

This is the true story of a real boy. A boy whose life is still spoken of and celebrated around the world over 1500 years after his death – for this boy grew to be the man who is now the Patron Saint of Ireland. Today he is known as Saint Patrick.



Oh good, he found his C.  At this point, you have failed to do the one thing you must do in a query letter: entice me to read on.  If there is interesting material in the book, you haven't gotten it on the page here.

Patrik – The Younger, at 43,000 words, is historical fiction for 10- to 14-year-old readers. This book could stand alone or be followed by one or two sequels, some of which has been drafted.


I believe Patrik – The Younger will fit well in the (name) catalogue and I thank you for this opportunity to submit my writing.

Kind regards


e: (author email)
p: (phone plus international code)
w: (website)







One thing you have to be is interesting and exciting if you want to write for kids. This isn't. Start over. Sprinkle some cayenne pepper into your word hoard and try again.