#248-revised twice

Dear QueryShark,

The tiniest spark can send Afghanistan and Pakistan to war. Steven Frisk’s job is to make sure that doesn’t happen. Ali Hassan Ashwari is doing everything in his power to ensure it does.

A CLOUD IN THE DESERT is a 61,000 word Espionage/Action novel. The story follows Steven Frisk, a CIA Operations Officer, as he sets about to prevent what started as a border skirmish from escalating into a full scale war.

"sets about to prevent what started"--great snakes! Parse that out, I dare you.  When you look at or, better yet, when you read it out loud you should hear that this is not smooth writing. He must prevent a border skirmish from escalating into full-scale war.  See the difference?

When I see this in a query, I don't care how wonderful or thrilling the concept may be. This is Not Good Writing, and I know I'll see it in the novel.  And lest I hear snorts of derision from the assembled chums, let me assure you  I know every published novel is not Great Writing, far from it. But most high octane thrillers (which this purports to be) have a forward momentum and energy that keeps the reader turning pages. This kind of inverted syntax just slows us down. One of these days I'm going to assign a minion the task of counting how many times I've said "simple writing is best" and then make all of you write it that many times on the blackboard.

Behind the scenes, a A corporate conglomerate is manipulating the events to help boost their profits through sales to both sides. Will Steven be able to unravel the web of deception that has been laid out before him in time to prevent a nuclear war? Will his former protégé succeed in thwarting him as he tries to set the world back to neutral? Set in contemporary times, A CLOUD IN THE DESERT poses the “what if” questions associated with America’s involvement with both Afghanistan and Pakistan.


Avoid those rhetorical plot questions. Be specific about what the corporate ne'er do wells are plotting. Selling arms to both sides is business as usual, as is contributing to both candidates in an election. It's legal too. What are they doing that's evil?







Professionally, I am an attorney. In my free time I am an amateur military historian, with a focus on World War II and recent Middle Eastern conflicts.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

There's a recipe for getting plot on the page in a query letter. I know it's there: I wrote it. More than once.  If you read the archives, you'll find it.  

Find it.
Use it.
Revise.
Resend.



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First revision
Dear Query Shark,

(A) The tiniest spark can send Afghanistan and Pakistan to war. Steven Frisk’s job is to make sure that doesn’t happen. Ali Hassan Ashwari, a fellow Operations Officer with the CIA, has let himself become controlled by the Invictus Corporation and is doing everything in his power to ensure the war does happen.

A query needs to be nimble.  When you look at that paragraph, what can come out and still give the reader enough info?

For starters, do we need to know Ali is a fellow operations officer? Or that he's with the CIA? Or that he's controlled by Invictus corporation?

Well, try this and see:

(B) The tiniest spark can send Afghanistan and Pakistan to war. Steven Frisk’s job is to make sure that doesn’t happen. Ali Hassan Ashwari  is doing everything in his power to ensure it does.

Which paragraph, A or B, entices you to read more?

My vote is B. It makes us wonder what will happen next and entices us to read on and find out.

The trick for writing a query is almost always leaving things OUT.  Over explaining, too much exposition, too many characters--all those load a query down and make it plod rather than elegantly leap from point to point.

Here's a visual reminder. You want to be Kari Dell (top) not Lee Marvin (bottom)**

A CLOUD IN THE DESERT is a fast-paced, 61,000 word Espionage/Action novel. It is set in contemporary times with recognizable historical events to help create a sense of realism. I have drawn upon my own experiences with most of the locations to give the world of Mr. Frisk a rich and realistic feel.

This is telling not showing. Don't do that. There's nothing about the plot here or what's at stake. You have to have that in a query.

Professionally, I am an attorney. In my free time I am an amateur Mmilitary Hhistorian, with a focus on World War II and recent Middle Eastern Cconflicts.

Yes, I nitpick on queries. These nits tell me how meticulous you are (or are NOT.)  Conflicts isn't a proper noun, thus it is NOT capitalized here. Neither is military historian.  You absolutely have to know this.  If you don't, or are not confident (it's not a character flaw,) hire a copyeditor.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

You need a plot.

And some paring.

Revise.

Let it sit for a week.

Revise.

Resend.

**although in fairness, when Lee Marvin won an Oscar for this role in Cat Ballou, 

he did say there was a horse in Wyoming that deserved half of it.

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Initial query

Dear Query Shark,

A flash-point exists between Afghanistan and Pakistan and only the tiniest spark will send these two countries into war with each other, and Operations Officer Steven Frisk, a Analyst and part-time Field Operative with the Central Intelligence Agency’s National Clandestine Service has been called upon to mitigate this as best he can. Steven must contend with a fellow Operations Officer who has inadvertently gone rogue and is controlled by a global mega-corporation looking to expand its profit and gain a larger footprint as a multifaceted defense contractor. Steven Frisk will be called upon to stop the war, and above all stop the corporation from causing more death in a nuclear war.

The first sentence of this query has 52 words and thus fails the "can you say it out loud in one breath" test.  The reason for that test is that it helps you write a sentence that is taut rather than flabby. Taut is enticing. Flabby is not. (Generally of course)

Second, you're repeating yourself but you don't realize it: "A flash point exists" and "only the tiniest spark will send" are essentially the same thing.

Thus: The tiniest spark can send Afghanistan and Pakistan to war.

You also don't need your main character's entire CV in the intro. Just by  his placement in the first paragraph, your reader assumes he's important, assumes he has something to do with the situation you're setting up.

USE the intuitive leaps your reader will make to pare your query letter down to enticing essentials.

Thus: The tiniest spark can send Afghanistan and Pakistan to war. Steven Frisk's job is to make sure that doesn't happen.

20 words. Instead of 52. 

Then do the same thing for the antagonist. Name him, tell us what he wants and why.

If you can do that in around 20 words, you'll have a nice taut opening.

A CLOUD IN THE DESERT introduces the character of Steven Frisk in a fast-paced, 57,000 word mainstream Espionage/Action novel, the first of a potential series. It follows him as he vies with a fellow Operations Officer, Ali Hasan Ashwari, who has been duped by a corporation into starting not only a conventional war between Pakistan and Afghanistan, both US allies, but also to try to turn it nuclear. You will follow Steven through the deserts of the Middle East, the mountains of Afghanistan, and urban settings such as Islamabad, Pakistan and London. The novel is generally set in a contemporary time with recognizable references to historical occurrences to give the plot a sense of realism. Cities have been researched and in some cases been visited to paint an accurate picture of the surroundings provided in this novel.

This is all filler, and duplicates what you've said in the first paragraph.  When I see that in a query, I know I'll see it in a manuscript.  The query doesn't just tell me what the book is about.  It tells me if you know how to write. (Well, it really tells me if you know how to revise. Everyone writes like this on the initial draft. It's recognizing it, revising and polishing that makes the difference)

I'm also VERY leery of any novel clocking in at 57K.  That's VERY short.  I sincerely doubt much world building goes on in a 57K novel. I know for an ironclad fact there's no subplot with that

word count.

I am an attorney with a background in political science who has travelled extensively. Most of my writing to date has been in a professional capacity, including two published articles on Science-Based Medicine, which is an online medical blog. My articles were entitled “This” and “That”. I have also contributed to collaboration projects within the Pharmaceutical industry as well as THE OTHER , a science-fiction compendium published by Them, where I contributed technical advice on the future of medical science. In my free time I am an amateur Military Historian, with a special focus on World War II and recent Middle Eastern Conflicts.

Aha! Attorneys have intuitive writing beaten out of them in law school with a stick.  Good legal writing covers all the bases.  Good fiction writing leaps elegantly from point to point and lets the reader see the base without actually touching it.

Good legal writing is chess. Good fiction writing is three dimensional chess.

I wish to thank you for the time you took to read this.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Pare down.

Focus.

Revise.

Polish.

Resend.

You should expect at least two more revisions after this one.  Once you do the major paring and refocusing you'll see some of the other problems.

Are you sure you read the archives?