#257-revised 5x-updated

Dear Query Shark:

I am withdrawing this query--not because I wouldn't keep at it until I had it right--but rather because the story itself is structurally unsound. I believe in the characters and general idea (group consciousness), but it turned out to be more like three stories in one rather than one cohesive whole. I plan on deconstructing it and going at it in a completely different direction.

This is our first example of a query that revealed problems in the novel. This can happen. I see it a lot at query critique sessions at writing conferences.

Good luck with the revisions!

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Revision #5

Dear QueryShark:


Located in northern Minnesota in a pathetic and dying town she despises, 16-year-old Landy Jenkins appears to be clairvoyant. She’s not. Think oddsmaker with deadly accuracy--costing her each time it happens—and its been happening a long time. Ergo, ten years left to live. Moreover, she lives with a father crippled by grief who’s lost his job, and soon, their house.


Your punctuation is off in the second sentence. You've got a clause set off by dashes, but that clause is linked to what comes after it, not separated from it.  The way you can tell is if you read the sentence without the dashed clause, it doesn't make sense. Consider this: Think oddsmaker with deadly accuracy; costing her each time it happens and its been happening a long time.

The change in punctuation highlights the problem with the cost clause. The two parts of that sentence don't mesh. Consider: it costs her each time it happens and it happens a lot.

Revised: 16-year-old Landy Jenkins appears to be clairvoyant. She’s not. Think oddsmaker with deadly accuracy; it costs her each time it happens and it happens a lot.  Ergo, ten years left to live. Moreover, she lives with a father crippled by grief who’s lost his job, and soon, their house.

Now is when we finally see the real problem with the paragraph: what's the connection between Landy Jenkins being an "oddsmaker" and "ten years left to live." We can't intuit that from what you've got here.  You're either going to need better clues, or give us the info outright.


Hell no.

Help arrives when a visiting Frenchman offers four students $100,000 to read a book. Of course it’s not what it seems; bait never is. Landy knows this but she needs his money as much as Monsieur Tortue needs her peculiar mind or those particular classmates.


What particular classmates?

She doesn’t like the Frenchman or those particular classmates but she likes poverty least of all. (We know all this already)  Summer vacation arrives, the book club begins, and Landy loses her mind. Or so it seems. They get sent to an island with deadly predators, to a curious bookstore with even curiouser visitors, and finally to a glass castle. A castle she never wants to leave as she’s been reunited with her dead mother in a peaceful place, and has no reason to return.

You've got the events out of order if you're trying to build to a climax.  Landy can't lose her mind buried at the end of the second sentence in a paragraph IF you want that to have some oomph. 

You need to end this paragraph with what the problem is.


Monsieur Tortue’s experiment has pushed her too far.

Really? How?

Only when the four unlikely friends (what friends?) unite do they escape, but Tortue isn’t finished yet. He offers Landy the antidote to her early grave in exchange for one last journey: this time, to the future. If she refuses, she dies young like her mother. If she accepts, they discover a world fraught with intrigue and danger, and with it, what they must become.

Told in alternating points of view (whose?), YELLOW BABIES is a YA 99,000-word speculative fiction written as a separate but equal duology that could appeal to fans of Maggie Stiefvater, and, The Matrix.

I’m an AWP and SCBWI member recently transplanted from New England to California and raised in northern Minnesota where the story takes place. Per your submission guidelines I’ve included the first pages.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
   

This is much better than the first rounds.  I'm glad working on the query helped you revise your novel too.

Now, if I can talk you out of the title, I will count it a good day's work.  

Revise, resend. 

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REVISION #4

Dear Query Shark,

Every female in Landy Jenkins bloodline died young.  It was like a family tradition.  Starting with her great-grandmother and continuing down the line until her own mother at twenty-nine died of an illness that still haunted her, the way it was trending she’d live long enough to vote and she’d be damned if she did it in her hometown.
 
There's no sense of Landy being haunted by anything in what follows.  If you mention it in the opening paragraph, I assume it's important.  Thus: leave out what isn't important.


The scope of her inconsequential life was about to change when a French philanthropist offers four juniors $100,000 to read a book.  Dylan Xavier Roberts assumed it was his charm; Li Chou knew it was her brilliance; Landy had no clue why she was picked; and Garret Mattock really didn’t care, so long as he was near Landy.

Monsieur Tortue knew their secret but failed to understand the extent to which their minds have developed and it throws the youngest generation of Yellow Babies into a series of fantastical, life threatening mind-travels.

Four teenagers now get to experience what’s really on in their minds.

(A)When they return to their own reality wiser and armed with knowledge of what’s to come they discover Monsieur Tortue was dead and with him, the solution to keep Landy from an early grave.  This, too, was a ruse.  Monsieur Tortue was very much alive, in hiding, and waiting for Landy Jenkins to find him.  



This paragraph is where things fall apart. You set something up, then reverse it in the next sentence. This is textbook CONFUSING. 


(B) To break from her family’s macabre tradition, she must. MUST WHAT?
                                                                             
Written as a stand-alone with series potential, YELLOW BABIES is a 95,000-word YA Mainstream novel with sci-fi twists, psychological mayhem, and a thread of romance that could appeal to fans of Veronica Mars, and Matrix while traveling On The Jellicoe Road.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Name, SCBWI member
Address

You have to fix the paragraphs marked A and B.    You don't illuminate the connection between Landy's family dying young and reading M. Tortue's book.  Don't over explain it, but let us see there IS a connection.



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REVISION #3

Dear Query Shark,

Every female in Landy Jenkins bloodline died young. It was like a family tradition. Starting with her great-grandmother and continuing down the line until her own mother at twenty-nine died of an illness that still haunted her, the way it was trending she’d live long enough to vote and she’d be damned if she did it in her hometown.


Don't be afraid to not explain things in a query.  I'll accept the premise of the novel that Landy Jenkins is afraid of dying young without you telling me she's right to worry (poor dear great memaw, then memaw, then ma herself)  Save those few words for the stuff you have to get on the page.


The scope of her inconsequential life was is about to change when a French philanthropist offers four juniors $100,000 to read a book. Dylan Xavier Roberts assumed it was his charm; Li Chou knew it was her brilliance; Landy had no clue why she was picked; and Garret Mattock really didn’t care, so long as he was near Landy.

It's VERY important to keep the events of a query in the immediate moment: IS not WAS here. 


Monsieur Tortue knew their secret but failed to understand the extent to which their minds have developed and it throws the youngest generation of Yellow Babies into a series of fantastical, life threatening mind-travels.

Too abstract and disconnected from what comes before to be of use to you here.

Four teenagers now get to experience what’s really on in their minds.

When they return to their own reality wiser and armed with knowledge of what’s to come they discover Monsieur Tortue was is dead and with him, the solution to keep Landy from an early grave. This, too, was a ruse. Monsieur Tortue was very much alive, in hiding, and waiting for Landy Jenkins to find him.





Wait, what?? What happened to the paragraph you used in Revision #1 that was clear about M. Tortue and his evil plans??


To break from her family’s macabre tradition, she must.
must what??


Written as a stand-alone with series potential, YELLOW BABIES is a 95,000-word YA Mainstream novel with sci-fi twists, psychological mayhem, and a thread of romance that could appeal to fans of Veronica Mars, and Matrix while traveling On The Jellicoe Road.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Name, SCBWI member
Address  

Did you send this before you finished writing? That happens. It's pretty much the Kiss of Death in queries so it's something you want to avoid.

You avoid it by saving your query as a draft and looking at it 24 hours later. That's when you catch this stuff.

I think you're working yourself into a frenzy of no-confidence.  You had a reasonable query back there in #1.  Look at what worked. Fix what didn't. Don't reinvent the wheel.


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REVISION #2


Dear Query Shark,

My debut novel YELLOW BABIES is about confronting the dark places in yourself, knowing your place in the world, what to do about both. It does so with four teens, 91,000 words, and an enigmatic narrator.


I'm not sure why you decided to shoot yourself in the foot in the first paragraph but here's some advice: don't. You actually had a decent start to the query in Revision #1. 

The U.S. government started a program it shouldn’t have. A providential twist and three generations later, instead of being seriously stupid, four teenagers have enhanced skills but not without consequence because nothing is ever that easy.

Too abstract to be interesting

A Frenchman with suspicious motives comes into their school under the auspices of a $100,000 book club but who really wanted to test them. He gets his wish but fails to understand the extent to which their minds have developed and it throws the youngest generation of YELLOW BABIES into a series of fantastical, life threatening mind-travels.

Four teenagers now get to experience what’s really on their minds.


Getting back to those consequences, every female in Landy Jenkins bloodline died young. It was like a family tradition. When they returned to their own reality wiser and armed with knowledge of what’s to come, they discovered the Frenchman has died and with him, the antidote to keep Landy from an early grave.




If I hadn't stopped reading before, I'd stop here. 
In your first revision, I'd read to the end and read the pages.
You're going in the wrong direction here.
What happened?

The Frenchman’s death was greatly exaggerated. Monsieur Henri Tortue was very much alive, in hiding, and waiting for Landy Jenkins to find him.

To break with her family’s macabre tradition, she must.

Written as a stand-alone with series potential, YELLOW BABIES is a Mainstream YA novel with sci-fi twists, psychological mayhem, and a thread of romance that could appeal to fans of Veronica Mars, Matrix, and The Book Thief.

I’m part of an online MG/YA critique group, SCBWI member, and completed Advanced Writing workshops through Gotham Writers.

Those aren't writing credits.

Thank you for your time and consideration.  


What the HELL just happened here?  What part of 

The stakes aren't very clear, but I'd read pages for this query. It's focused, clear and enticing. A couple quick changes and you've got a query to take for a test drive.

in Revision #1 wasn't clear.  A Couple Quick Changes is NOT this wholesale revision that has not only made things worse it's made things AWFUL.

Back to Revision #1.
Don't lose confidence in your work and DO NOT GO CRAZY HERE!



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REVISION #1


Dear Query Shark,

Every female in Landy Jenkins’ bloodline died young. It started after World War II when her great grandmother died giving birth to a daughter, followed by that grandmother dying of an aneurism, and then, her own mother at twenty-nine, dying of an illness that still haunted her.

The way it was trending, Landy figured she might live long enough to vote, and she’d be damned if she did it in her hometown. But the scope of her inconsequential life was about to change when French philanthropist, Monsieur Henri Tortue, came into her school with the extraordinary offer of $25,000 to read a single book. The entire junior class showed up but only four were chosen.

Dylan Xavier Roberts assumed he was chosen for his charm; Li Chou knew she was selected for her brilliance; Landy had no clue why she was picked; and Garret Mattock really didn’t care, so long as he was near her. Landy

But Monsieur Henri Tortue knew. He knew they were the last descendants of a program—his mother’s—designed to create a new breed of human being, and he’s returned to finish where she left off. But when he fails to understand the extent to which their minds have developed, it becomes an error that not only sabotages his own plans, but puts the youngest generation of Yellow Babies into a series of fantastical, life threatening mind-travels.

And now four teenagers will now get to experience what’s really on their minds.

this might just be one of the scariest things I've ever read.

Written as a stand-alone novel with series potential, YELLOW BABIES is a 95,000-word YA romp filled with psychological mayhem, sci-fi twists, snark, and a splash of romance that would appeal to fans of Veronica Mars and Matrix while traveling the Jellicoe Road.



Romp and mayhem describe very different things. You might reconsider using both of them here.

Thank you for your time and consideration.




The stakes aren't very clear, but I'd read pages for this query. It's focused, clear and enticing.

A couple quick changes and you've got a query to take for a test drive.

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Dear Mr. Levine,

Back in January, I had the pleasure of listening to your lecture at the kickoff of our SCBWI season where you were chased on stage by a manic VCR light. You said you wouldn’t say anything noteworthy, but I took notes anyway, and your advice was to make the first chapter like a good date, so without fumbling at the door to make small talk with the parents, let met introduce you to my YA story, Yellow Babies.

This is the best personalization I've seen in a long time. I know I tell you to start with the protagonist's name and the plot but THIS WORKS.  It's very funny, it's clear the querier was paying attention to what the agent said at the talk.  If you've got something like this, you lead with it. If you're personalizing your queries with "and I've read all your clients books and I want you as my agent" that's NOT what you lead with. See the difference?

A French philanthropist comes into a tired, northern Minnesota town with an extraordinary offer for one of their schools. The entire junior class shows up, but only four are chosen. Dylan Xavier Roberts assumes he was picked for his charm; Li Chou knew she was selected for her brilliance; Landy Jenkins has no clue why she was there; and Garret Mattock really didn’t care, so long as he was near her.

This could have been character soup but it's not. It's concise and clear. Each character is easily discerned from the others.  It's not Breakfast Club trite. (The rebel, the minx, the homecoming queen)

What they didn’t know was that one day Dylan Roberts would lead a counter-revolution against the same country Secretary of State, Li Chou, would defend; Garret Mattock would build an invention so powerful, it would literally knock the planet off its orbit; and, his love interest, Landy Jenkins, would predict the future and be hunted down by the most powerful people in their pre-dystopian world.

And that’s why they were chosen.

They are the latest generation of Yellow Babies, a 70 year-old government project led by the Frenchman’s mother after World War II. And her son, Monsieur Henri Tortue, was in town to push this next breed of Homo sapiens to the very edge of their sanity.


and here's where what has been a GREAT query falls apart completely.  What's at stake? Their sanity? Not big enough? The future? Too abstract to be interesting.  What does M. Henri Tortue want to accomplish?  Get that on the page.

Per your submission guidelines, I’ve included the first two chapters and a synopsis. In addition to being a member with SCBWI, I’ve studied my craft through the well-respected Gotham Writers’ Workshop. Yellow Babies is 94,000-word YA romantic /sci-fi romp that would appeal to fans of Veronica Mars and Dr. Who on their way to the Jellicoe Road.

I'm not much on film/tv comps but you certainly get your audience demo across with the ones you've chosen ie Not Me. I had to look up Jellicoe Road, and I've never seen Dr. Who (I know, just shoot me now)


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Get the stakes on the page in less abstract form and you've got a good query for ONE specific agent.