#261-revised 2x FTW

Dear Query Shark,

Jumping parole might be Lemon Beasly’s only shot at saving her baby. Soon she’ll start showing, and her boss, Nathaniel, will find out she’s still pregnant. She’d let him put his hands and other extremities on her body for four long months before she figured he didn’t care one fig for her, and all those promises to help clear her prison record were a goddamn lie. Falling for a man’s tricks got her sent to the stoney lonesome in the first place, and now Nathaniel’s threatening to cook up a violation if she doesn’t get an abortion. And sShe believes him too. Powerful men always get their way. They’d send her baby to foster care to grow up motherless, just like she did.

When she Lemon meets Rayline over a Beretta Tomcat and a well-placed knee in Nathaniel’s baby makers, her first impression is the woman might be three baby steps away from flat crazy. But it doesn’t take long to figure that Rayline is better than harmless. She’s a 67-year-old woman who’s never wanted anything more than to raise a child and get some respect. Her family’s kept her in their own little prison, almost as good as Alabama’s fine penal accommodations. And there’s no way they’d let her anywhere near a baby.

Rayline just might be the person Lemon’s always needed in her life: a mother figure who won’t go away. And Lemon is Rayline’s first true friend. But can they get out before their men catch wind or the law catches on?

WOMEN LIKE US, a novel of 84,000 words, is Women’s Fiction. It was a quarter-finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award and for that won a Publisher’s Weekly review:. PW says, “A charming and often funny feature is the colorful (sometimes off-color) dialect ... upbeat ...  fast paced, featuring “strong and quirky female characters.”


Thank you for your time and consideration.


 The contrast between this effort and the initial query makes me weep for joy.
You're good to go here. I hope it sells for wheelbarrows full of lovely lolly.



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Dear Query Shark,

Lemon Beasly needs to get the hell out of WalMart. Soon she’ll start showing, and her boss, Nathaniel, will find out she’s still carrying his baby. She became pregnant after months of giving into his manipulative demands for sex. He’d promised to help her clear her prison and parole record. Hell if that wasn’t a lie. Now he’s threatening to cook up a violation if she doesn’t get an abortion, and she believes him too. Powerful men always get their way. They’d send her baby to foster care to grow up motherless, just like she did. 



Rayline’s never wanted anything more than to raise a child and get some respect. She’s 67-years-old, but her family’s kept her under close watch her entire life, never letting her make a decision for herself. And there’s no way they’d let her anywhere near a baby. 



When the two women Lemon and Rayline meet over a Beretta Tomcat and a well-placed knee in Nathaniel’s baby makers, they find something incredible. For Lemon, the love of a mother figure who won’t go away. For Rayline, real friendship with a person who loves and admires her. But can they get out before their men catch wind of it or the law catches on?

Incredible makes it sound like they've become lovers, and while I've got no problem with lesbian fiction, I'm pretty sure that's not what you're intending to write. Find a more precise word than incredible.

WOMEN LIKE US, a novel of 84,000 words, falls into the is Women’s Fiction category. It was a quarter-finalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award and for that won a Publisher’s Weekly review. PW called it,  “upbeat” and “fast paced,” featuring “strong and quirky female characters.” Says PW, “(1)A charming and often funny feature is the colorful (sometimes off-color) dialect.”

Put that last sentence (1) before "upbeat". It will read like this:

PW called it "a charming and often funny feature is the colorful (sometimes off-color) dialect" -- “upbeat” and “fast paced,” featuring “strong and quirky female characters.”

You don't want to use "says PW" twice in the same paragraph.

Thank you for your time and consideration.



Oh, you took off your crazy hat and wild make up and got all sober sides here. One of the best things about your first query was the voice and the word choices (diction) Some of the word choices didn't work, but with this you've swung so far into respectable that you've lost what made you colorful.

Don't be afraid to be wild and crazy. Just not out of control and insane. Learning the difference between enough and too much is an on going process.

Take another whack at this.

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Question: I know that you've said you hate it when writers make ridiculous claims of self-importance, but I have this great PW review of my book that I want to include in my query. I've led with a couple quotes from PW rather than starting with the story because I thought that would be most enticing. But is that annoying? Does it sound self-aggrandizing? I got the PW review as part of a prize from a writing contest, and I'm trying to find the best way to use it to promote my book to agents. Thanks for reading!



Dear Query Shark,

Publisher’s Weekly called WOMEN LIKE US “upbeat” and “fast paced,” featuring “strong and quirky female characters.” Says PW, “A charming and often funny feature is the colorful (sometimes off-color) dialect.”

And here's where I'd stop reading if this were a regular query. When I see "PW called" I assume they reviewed the book, and that means the book was published. I don't handle books that have already been published (some agents do) but more importantly, if I thought your book was published, it's no longer your first novel, and thus less enticing. 

Lemon Beasly needs to know why Momma was murdered all those years ago. Lemon’s got the who. Trouble is, she sent that bastard to hell before he could get to the juicy part. So she’s been working the why over for ten years now. First in the state of Alabama’s fine penal accommodations, then at the Wal-Mart, where she works as a condition of her parole. Even while her boss, Mr. Smutty, is screwing her on lunch breaks.

And I've stopped taking you seriously now. Mr Smutty? Is that what Lemon calls him?  And "is screwing her" says absolutely the wrong thing if you want me to feel sympathy with Lemon. 

You're letting your "quirky" overpower the story.  Lemon is your protagonist. We need to be rooting for her. Why would she let someone named (godhelpus) Mr. Smutty into her pants? 

And you've missed the key piece of information here: the stakes. WHY does Lemon need to know why her mum was murdered? What's at stake if she never finds out?


That mess with Smutty ends the day she steals an EPT from the family planning aisle and turns the test strip blue. Smutty tells her she can lose the baby or lose her job. That would mean a parole violation for her, and foster care for her unborn child.

Now here is where we really do start to care. Now something is at stake.


Now she’s got two choices. Kill her baby and stick around in a “safe” but miserable life, or run. She teams up with Rayline, a saucy, pistol-packing, mildly retarded woman.

 I'm not sure why it's important to know Rayline is mildly retarded. It certainly makes me nervous to think of someone who is mildly retarded is also armed. And what does Lemon need from her that this is her choice of sidekick?


They set off to find Trigger, Lemon’s high school boyfriend. He might have the answers about Momma, or a clue at least. Question is, can Lemon and Rayline find him before the cops find them?

Why does Trigger (jebus, these names!) have the answer?

WOMEN LIKE US, a novel of 84,000 words, is the perfect blend of laugh-out-loud humor, heart-wrenching drama, and page-turning tension. PW agrees, “The fast-paced narrative addresses racism, murder, discrimination, loss, female friendship, and mothering. …this would most appeal to women readers or to those concerned with race and women’s status in late 20th-century America.” Thank you for your time and consideration.


The way you handle the PW review is to be very clear that the mention was  part of a prize from a writing contest.  You mention it at the END of the query. And I'm sorry to say that this PW mention isn't the ticket to the top of the query pile you think it is. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I only care what *I* think. And what *I* think is based on what you tell me about the plot and characters.


Also, this is NOT "ridiculous claims of self-importance,"--you actually earned that review the old fashioned way. You wrote the book and someone liked it.

Ridiculous claims of self-importance are: people who love God will love my book; God loves my book; all women will love my book; I'm the best writer since God. 


You've got voice and diction like nobody's business. You probably have a good novel in there. You don't have a good query yet. 

Revise and use the template that I've yammered about now for years. Give it your own individual flair.