Rebecca Oakland wanted to take top honors and leave Crystal Shores. She focused on herself and her grades, spending little time thinking of others.
I'm as self involved, ok MORE self involved, than the next slithery agent in NYC but I'm not the protagonist of a novel. We really need a reason to care what happens to Rebecca. Right now she sounds exactly like me...and that's NOT a good thing.
Needing an isolated area for a governmental experiment, a scientist targets Rebecca's town, and sends in his grandson, Derek, to ensure
You've called the problem here both a "governmental experiment" and "a program" in the same sentence. That's confusing. When I substitute its, a fundamental flaw in logic is revealed: if this is a government sponsored experiment, why does the scientist need his grandson?
I'm entirely turned off by a high school student being described as an intellectual with a straight face.
The sentences are awkward here. Start with very plain subject-verb-object constructions. I had to read the young, good-looking intellectual brings with him, not only an academic challenge, but an experiment of his own, a computer game he created twice in order to figure out what Derek was bringing with him."But" and "not only" are indicators of exceptions, not the main subject.
Now, Rebecca is scared, as friends and family succumb to a mysterious sleep. In an attempt to stop the madness, she will have to play Derek's game and hope she has the strength to fight through and win. The thought frightens her, but realizing that she could lose the most
precious things in her life, forever, frightens her more. In the world of Omniverse, there are no restarts or saves. Rebecca cannot stop. She cannot give up, or it will be GAME OVER.
I have no clue what kind of story is happening here. I have no clue about motivation. There's no reason to care about Rebecca. The stakes are unclear too.
The completed manuscript of 86,000 words for GAME OVER, is available upon request. Thank you for your generous time and consideration.
Please don't ever put I look forward to hearing from you soon in a query letter. It sets my teeth on edge. Other agents may not have quite the ..ah...toothy! reaction that I do, but why risk they do. Be safe. Don't say it.
Reply: unclear plot, awkward sentences. Form rejection.
Dear Query Shark,
programmed to break your will as he attempts to take your soul.
What? delusional grandeur? desires world allegiance? break your will as he attempts to take your soul?
This is so generalized as to be meaningless.
I'm not familiar with a category called inspirational suspense, but I'm not familiar with inspirational books in general so if that's a real category, cool. How do you know if it's a real category? Is there a section in the bookstore that says "inspirational suspense?". There isn't at the stores where I buy books, but hey, I haven't been to every bookstore in America either.
Rebecca was scared. When her small hometown won a free technological make-over, it had seemed a dream come true. A dream which quickly became a nightmare, as friends and family succumbed to a mysterious sleep, while others drifted along in a cyber fog, oblivious to the
chaos around them.
What? What is a technological make over? What is a cyber fog? Cyber generally means the world of electronic media. Unless you are an avatar in Second Life how are you drifting along in a cyber fog?
In an attempt to solve the mystery and save her town, Rebecca must willingly open herself up to unknown and unseen dangers that are lurking deep within the computers. To her disgust and horror, the virtual reality she encounters is controlled by real evil, meaning she must draw her strength from real faith and take a stand. But, the hairs on the back of her neck prickle, as she thinks about her lack of attention in Sunday school and nodding off during Services. Had she absorbed any knowledge, strength, or faith? If she found others wandering inside, would they have the will to stand? Rebecca will soon find out as she's put to the test, for in the world of Omniverse, there are no restarts or saves. Fight against it, for if you give in, it is Game Over.
The completed manuscript of 86,000 words is available upon request. Thank you for your generous time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
The Devil is in the computer and Rebecca has to overcome him? Does that about sum it up? You'll need to make the Devil more interesting or this will simply be a boring preachy book. The thing is the Devil IS interesting, and tempting, and luscious, and that's why we all have such a hard time resisting him.
This needs a lot of work, it's a form rejection right now.