Sunday, November 7, 2021

#338



Dear QueryShark:


College is supposed to be full of new experiences, but a failed assassination attempt shouldn’t be one of them. At least, that’s Anna Michael’s opinion.

 

 

You want your first sentence to be as taut and compelling as possible.

Reordering the sentences will help with that:

 

College is supposed to be full of new experiences, but 

A failed assassination attempt shouldn’t be one of the new experiences of college.  

 

This is awkwardly worded but you get the idea. Start with the thing that's going to hook your reader's attention. 

 

 But when you look at that revised sentence, it still doesn't really do the job well, does it?

 

Revision is almost never one and done (well, typos: fix and finished)

So, let's remember that starting with the main character's name is almost always a good idea.

 

Anna Michaels wasn't expecting an attempt on her life to be one of her new college experiences

Still not great, but that's also the nature of revision.

So let's reorder the elements again:

 

Anna Michaels didn't think one of her new college experiences would be surviving an attempt on her life.

 

 

You prod and poke and try a gazillion ways to make this sound taut and compelling.

 

 Once you think you've got it, let it rest for at least a day, then go back the next day and look at it with fresh eyes.

 

At least, that’s Anna Michael’s opinion.

I think we can all agree this is not something we think is a benefit of enrolling in college.

The problem with starting with something as attention getting as a failed assassination attempt is that your reader is keen to know what happens next.

 

And if you don't provide that info, the reader is disappointed.

 

There is no connection between how you start and the next paragraph.


All Anna wants is to find her father’s murderer and protect her mother. 

And what does this have to do with her going to college? 

Did you include college to signal her age?

I think that's going to confound you if college is never mentioned again.

 

And now she’s fleeing her hometown with two strangers who claim to know her better than she knows herself. They introduce her to a world that exists alongside her own, a world where a girl can walk through walls and a boy can affect time.

 

Unless walking through walls and affecting time are gender-specific abilities you might reconsider how you describe them.

She uncovers a forgotten childhood where she grew up surrounded by magic . . . as the daughter of the king and queen. And a deadly coup has just made Anna the sole member of the monarchy. 

being specific usually helps your reader get a fuller picture. Anna is the sole surviving member of the monarchy not just the sole member.

The strangers, Brie and her brother Max, want Anna to save the magical community. It means discovering who wants to end the monarchy—and why. Were they responsible for the death of her father? As Anna gets involved deeper and deeper into the insurgency . . . she might not be on the right side of this war after all. 


Really? Why?

What's at stake here?

The King and Queen are dead, Anna is the next in line.

So what?

In other words, what happens if she isn't on the right side?

What's at stake for her? For the kingdom?


Max knows more about her altered memories than he’s willing to tell her. Even though she trusts him with her life, maybe even falls in love with him, she knows she shouldn’t. A relationship with him would mean forfeiting the crown and everything they’re fighting for.

Anna must decide if finding her father’s killer and stepping into the role of queen is worth the sacrifice of her identity and family, when she’s already lost her parents and the woman who raised her. She learns one thing: It will be the death of Anna Michaels.

Long live the Queen.

SIX & TIME (123,000)  is a New Adult

 

New Adult isn't really a category you want to use.

It started off being just what you'd think it would be: books for people who are post-YA. Then it morphed into something more like erotica light: 50 Shades of Something Wicked This Way Comes kinda thing.

 

If your main characters are college age, this is adult fantasy.

 

But the problem here is that you're describing a book that uses many themes associated with YA.

 

Confusing indeed.

When agents are confused, they pass.  Clarity is essential in a query.

contemporary fantasy novel complete at 123,000 words.  

You don't need to say it's complete. That's assumed.

 

This is the first in a planned series. It will appeal to fans of Avatar: the Last Airbender and The Ash Princess (by Laura Sebastian).

 

Always include the author with the title of your comp books.

Titles are not subject to copyright; more than one book can be called The QueryShark's Guide to Tasteful Writers.

 

Also The Ash Princess is YA.  Your comps must be on the same shelf as your book. (You'll gnash your teeth trying to find NA comps, which is another indicator you need to revise the ages, or the category)

 

While I work with numbers as a tax professional during the day, I am ruled by writing at all hours.

 

This is the kind of hyperbolic statement that makes you sound like an amateur.

I hope you've got a life other than writing.

 

This is the kind of thing that makes you sound LESS enticing not more.

 

Leave it for another forum.

 

 I am pursuing my Master in Fine Arts with a focus in Creative Writing. (you might want to add which school)

Thank you for your consideration. 

 

 

Questions:

- Here's where I shoot myself in the foot. This book can NOT stand alone. I know, I know. But I reached 100,000 at the "halfway" mark of the original novel, so I decided to split it in two with a cliffhanger ending.

 

Talk about one quick way to make your readers HATE YOU.

Seriously.

Back in the day when cliffhangers were more the norm, you only had to wait a week to find out what happened.

 

There can be a year between Book One and Book Two.

Some are faster, but the fastest I've ever seen was three months.

 

You're asking NEW fans to wait three months to resolve things?

This is a recipe for disaster. And disaster these days means being trashed on Goodreads, Amazon and any other forum people can use to complain in.

 

The closest I've read to a cliffhanger recently was Lee Child's 61 Hours (pubbed March 18, 2010) and resolved in Worth Dying For (October 19, 2010). It was his 14th book, not his debut.

 

I could always remove a subplot or two, but part of the reason why this novel works is it takes the tired "royal chosen one with elemental magic" trope and turns it around - without the layers, this book is generic as hell. 

 

 It would help if that were on the page here, but it's not.

 

 

Revise and resend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday, October 31, 2021

#337


WYSTERIA Wysteria Collins

don't cap the names of your characters in a query. That's for synopses and film scripts.


 is the twenty-four year old owner of a magic shop in downtown Olympia, Washington. She runs it with her familiar, a turtle named PANTS Pants. Things are her normal brand of chaos until her dear friend PRISCILLA Priscilla calls in a favor.


The Fae

who?

In a short form work like a query, it REALLY helps if you don't call characters two different things in short order. Were you worried about using Priscilla's name twice in short succession?

You can avoid that by paring and combining the sentences:

 

Things are her normal brand of chaos until her dear friend Priscilla calls in a favor

 

can’t break her promise to go on a date and  

persuades Wysteria to go on a date in her place. It’s supposed to be a one time event, except that Wysteria likes ARIEL Ariel and he didn’t seem put off by the way she had to chase her turtle across the restaurant floor.

 

The story is told in a series of vignettes, ranging from comforting a grief-stricken student with a request for necromancy, to an excitable baseball coach. There’s a visit to the beach that ends with bartering with mermaids, and the time Ariel shows up unannounced with a lost snake.

 

Well this sounds fun and all but there's NO PLOT.

Even a series of vignettes needs a plot, and worse: each vignette needs one, plus you need an overarching story arc.

 

WYSTERIA AND PANTS is a 60,000 word adult fantasy

I'm not convinced you have enough word count here.  The previous Query Shark post is about a book that's got too many words.

 

You've got the opposite problem.  Fantasy needs world building. World building takes words.

And not having a plot means you're going to need to add words too. You can double the word count here and still be ok.

 

 

 #ownvoices novel with series potential featuring a diverse cast of queer characters.

 #ownvoices is being replaced with #specific under represented voice you mean.

Here's the announcement about that:

We Need Diverse Books announced that it will no longer refer to books using the term #OwnVoices. Instead, they will use "specific descriptions that authors use for themselves and their characters whenever possible (for example "Korean American author" or "autistic protagonist").  They write in the release that the hashtag was originally created "for readers to recommend books by authors who openly shared the diverse identity of their main characters," but has since become a "catch all marketing term" and caused problems with its vagueness.

 

COMPS HERE

Most agents now want to see comps in a query. Effective comps are recent books (no earlier than 2018) and published by a trade house (ie not self published), and on the same shelf you envision for your book. Don't use YA titles as comps for books for the adult trade market (or vice versa.)

 

I moved from California to Washington to live with my shouty cat Icarus where I enjoy wandering around in the greenery and eating blackberries from my bush. I’ve been involved in a writing and critique group since 2015 and together we have published several collections of short stories.

 

Nice but NOT a publishing credit. Leave that for your website.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

(name)

 

Fae/faer or they/them

 

 

 

Questions:

 

    I want to be clear that the chapters are a little disconnected but still related without sounding like they’re short stories all to themselves.

 

"A little disconnected" strikes fear in even my sharkly heart. You don't want your novel to feel like a pinball game where the reader caroms about.  That's NOT an immersive reading experience.

 

A novel in stories is very much a thing, and are lots of fun to read. Is there any way to make that happen?

 

 

 

    Will it put agents off to include my pronouns?  How should I handle this?

Put off?

Hardly!!!

I'm tickled fuchsia to have writers indicate their pronouns.

It's helpful for gender fluid names (Dylan!) plus if you are non-binary, I'd like to respect that.

 

While I don't have a clue what fae/faer is, I do recognize they/them. How you have it listed is just right.

 

Any agent who is put off by pronouns in a query is NOT someone you want to work with.

Wednesday, October 27, 2021

#336


Dear Query Shark,

When Wren’s weird dreams begin to take on a reality all their own, she finds a strangely addictive second life in her dangerous dream-world, Irisen

This doesn't really hook your reader, does it? There's no tension. There's no sense of wondering what will happen next.

 

Compare that to the first line of Leviathan Wakes by James Corey

 

The Scopuli had been taken eight days ago, and Julie Mao was finally ready to be shot.

 

Now THAT grabs my attention.

 

Back on Earth, things are unraveling; her father’s recent cancer diagnosis is fracturing her family and Wren’s painstakingly organized post-college plans now feel futile.

 

Still no tension. What's the problem here that Wren must deal with?

Feeling futile is not a problem. It's a state of being. (for many of us in publishing, it's just called today)

 

While exploring Irisen, she teams up with Jasper—a headstrong botanist with reality-defying experiments—and his band of gung-ho rebels bent on undermining the oppressive autocracy that controls the region. 

 

I kinda love the idea of a headstrong botanist!

But you've brought in oppressive autocracy here like that's all we need to know.

 

Are they censoring free speech?

Are they making you read Ayn Rand?

What's the autocracy doing such that they need overthrowing?

In other words: what's the problem with the autocracy?

 

Notice a theme here?

You need to get the problem these characters face on the page, specifically. That's the essence of plot. Without it you don't have a compelling query.

 

On Earth, Wren is powerless and reminded of it every time she tallies the furniture stains in the oncologist’s waiting room. On Irisen, she’s useful; it’s a relief to fight a fight she can shape.

 

This is interesting.

 

 

Despite the wear and tear of a dichotomous existence,

 

I suggest you take this out only because if you try to explain it (it's too abstract to have much meaning as it stands) you'll just get lost in the weeds.

 

living two lives proves to be the revival Wren needs. Learning to build bombs from botanicals and helping the rebels subvert the autocracy, Wren all but disregards the woes of her Earth-life reality—until those woes clutch and drag her back. The day her father’s diagnosis goes from open-ended to terminal, her ability to dream-travel to Irisen mysteriously fails. With time running out on both her father’s life and Jasper’s rebellion, Wren must find the link between her realities (tricky, but doable) and face her circumstances at home (way fucking harder) before everything she loves is lost. 

 

DREAMWALKER, at 250,000 words,

 

oops.

instant pass.

 

If you don't want to take my word for it, how about these two recent tweets from agents I know and follow:

 

 


 


 

 


 

is a multi-perspective fantasy novel and the first in a planned series. The conversational tone, along with the layered worldbuilding will resonate with the twenty-something set currently reading Black Water Sister.

 

My academic background is in biology, and I have a soft spot for botany and bending the rules. And though I’d love to tinker in Jasper’s lab, filled to the brim with magical flora, I work in healthcare rehabilitating broken and neglected bodies… by day. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

 

Question:

1. I like thick books: GOT, Pillars, Mistborn (don't fret, not my comps), and I like them because there are plots, subplots, and what-the-heck,-where-is-this-going?-OH-DANG! moments. But I'm a nobody. Do I cut plots/ characters now to make the WC more appealing, or do I risk it for the biscuit?

 

No. You make this 250,000 word door stop into three books.

 

 

2. Wren is the MC, but the story is told through multiple POV. This isn't represented in the ‘hook’ of my query, should it be? The other characters add twists, turns, eyes and ears in different locations (ie: Jasper's POV in Irisen). Thoughts?

 

Even if I hadn't fainted dead away at the mere idea of 250,000 words, your query does NOT support the word count.

 

You've got one storyline: Wren

 

You need a lot more.

 

Querying epic fantasy (epic anything) means you have to give us a sense of the big picture.

 

What you have here is the Winterfell aspect of Game of Thrones.

You're missing the dragons.

 

You need to figure out how to present this Incredible Hulk word count in more Bruce Banner type ways.

 

 

And you need to make the story more Hulk than Banner. 

 

Kind of an interesting problem.

 

I look forward to seeing how you solve it.

 

Revise and resend.

 

 

 

Sunday, June 28, 2020

#335



“That roof is the wrong shape to talk to God.”

Chloe Reed hears this inside her head when she looks up in a coffeeshop, her house, her church, everywhere she goes. And the strange, static-laden voice is getting louder with each repetition.

It tells her she’s been chosen to build a correctly shaped roof.

Chloe bounces between thinking she’s going insane and hoping she’s been singled out to talk to God. She needs it to be the latter. She needs to know God loves her, that anyone loves her. She needs to know why her own father doesn’t even want to be in the same room as her.

She builds the roof and puts it on a shed in her backyard. She steps inside. The distorted voice that had been confined to her head crackles down at her from the roof. Chloe prostrates herself on the wooden floorboards.

The voice tells her it’s God. It tells her it has a plan and it needs her help. But it’s not the God she was expecting. This one doesn’t know who Jesus is.

Chloe must find out if the voice belongs to God. If it does, Chloe finally has concrete proof that she’s worthy of love. She finally has a way to get all the answers.

But the voice wants more than her faith. It wants all of humanity to believe. It wants total control. And it needs Chloe to get it.

CHLOE’S ROOF (80,200 words) is a work of speculative fiction. This would be my debut.

Put your comps here. Yes, you need them.
Put your bio here. Yes, you need one.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
This is clear, concise, well-written.
It works for me, I'd read the pages.

But, this is not going to appeal to every agent.
Which means even a clear, concise, well-written query is going to get some passes. 

Any questions?



 

Sunday, April 5, 2020

#334

Revision #1


Cinis Munimoh ripped her best friend’s teeth out on purpose, uttering thanks when the favor was returned.
As first sentences go, that's pretty eyecatching.
Horrifying but eye catching.
Mirroring her caretakers, Cinis clipped her horns, shed her skin, and seasoned her disguise with contacts, hiding her misshapen pupils. The 21 survivors of Amarith were no more. Now, they were just normal people walking the Earth, impersonating the very thing responsible for their downfall: humans.
I don't know what Amarith is, but at this point, I don't really care. I'm not going to stop reading to wonder about anything.

Even shrouded in disguise, the Amarithians are hunted down, struggling to survive and preserve their race.
This sentence doesn't connect to the next one. It's a good sentence, but it just doesn't fit well here. Thus: chop.
But Cinis craves more than mere survival. She longs  longing for the day she can rebuild her planet. that fell to humanity.
We know that her planet fell. That it fell to humanity is something the reader will intuit.  And that lets you cut that last part which improves the rhythm of the sentence.
 Just before Cinis loses hope of preserving her kind, she meets Sebastian, who reveals that

Then she learns Amarith wasn't destroyed.
I have a thing about main characters being told things. It's so passive.
Putting it as she learned makes it more dynamic.

In fact, hundreds of Amarithians and humans alike are held captive there, forced to harvest resources that Earth can no longer could provide. Now, Cin and her friends must find a way to liberate Amarith without blocking Earth from resources and triggering the extinction of thousands of species.


My science fiction novel, Human (115,000 words), is the first in a planned series. The work takes on the point of view of several characters, all of whom keep “war logs”, through which the story is told.
In a query like this it's important to say this novel can stand alone. It can, right?
Although most book deals have been for two or three books in the past, we're coming into a new norm, and single book deals may be one of the changes.

I’ve always been an advocate for the I'm active in the fight against climate change, and my fascination with the environment only aids my writing as ideals of preservation and human pollution can be traced throughout my work. Human is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.


Questions:


Is my bio too long? I've been struggling with it since I don't have any credentials or formal education as of the moment, but I do have some things I felt were important to mention.

Too long? It's barely there!
A good bio gives us (the reading agent) a sense of who you are.  You can mention pets, where you live, what you do when you need inspiration, your favorite kind of shark..anything that warms up the intro.

Telling us what you care about is fine, but it shouldn't be the only thing here.
---------------

Original query

Dear Query Shark,

Cinis was eating breakfast when the first bomb hit.
This seems like one of those sentences that should work, doesn't it?
But it doesn't really. Cause everyone is doing something when the bombs hit.
Breakfast is as good as any.
A good first sentence in a query needs to grab your reader's attention and makes them wonder "what will happen now?"
You've got a pretty good candidate for that kind of sentence. It's the last one in the paragraph

Everybody was caught off guard, sure, but they knew the attack would come sooner or later; the Humans had known about Amarith for decades now. But the day had finally arrived:
This one: The Humans had come, and they had not come in peace.

Cinis and twenty other Amarithians were forced to flee. With nowhere else to go, they ran to Earth,
this is a classic example of saying the same thing twice, albeit in different words.
fleeing and running are the same thing here.
You can revise this sentence:
With nowhere else to go, Cinis and twenty other Amarithians were forced to flee to Earth
 hoping to hide in plain sight.

Eight years have passed, and later, just before Cin loses has lost all hope of returning to her planet, a new friend reveals life-changing information.

 what is the info?

Now, Cin and her friends must make a decision, one that could decide the fate of two planets, and all who inhabit them.

What's the decision?

My science fiction novel, Human (115,000 words), is the first in a planned series. The work takes on the point of view of several characters, all of whom keep “war logs”, through which the story is told.

I’m a staff member of a popular (name) server which has over 500 members dedicated to reading and discussing each other’s work.

This is another one of those things that sound good, but my first question is do they BUY the books of the members? Discuss all you want, but you don't get paid (me either) until a book has a sales slip.


I’ve always been an advocate for the fight against climate change, and my fascination with the environment only aids my writing as ideals of preservation and human pollution can be traced throughout my work. I also would like to point out my unique position as both a member of the LGBT community, and a woman, making this novel a #ownvoices contributor, as several main characters share one or both of these traits.
You're not the only (ie unique) woman who's part of the LGBT community. Saying this makes me think you don't understand what unique means.

Words are your tools.
If you keep hitting your thumb with a hammer, I'm not hiring you to hang sheetrock.
Thank you for your consideration.


email
phone
Twitter


There isn't enough here to catch your reader's interest. It's all pretty bland, and that is death in a query. A horrible beige death of zero cuts.

There's no sense of drama or tension because you've said they get info, but not what it is, and have to make a decision, but not what that is.

Dig in. Be specific. Use vibrant language. And use it well.


**if you saw the post before Sunday 4/5/20 at noon, 
and perhaps commented, 
that was an early draft posted in error. 
Comments were deleted.