Mollie McWigglebutt is about to be turned into a Brussels sprout by a witch.
This doesn't make sense. Kids who are afraid of the dark aren't afraid of being made into vegetables. They are afraid of being bitten or eaten or chomped on much like you get chomped on here in the Shark Tank.
Will Mollie face her fear of the dark and defeat the witch, or will she be doomed to live her life as a Brussels sprout in a strange monster realm?
There's nothing distinctive here. What you need to focus on is HOW Mollie faces her fears, not that she has them. Does she hang Hindu prayer flags? Does she sacrifice virgins? Does she elect John McCain? Oh wait, she's only seven right, she can't vote.
Children (ages 7-10) reading my chapter book Things That Go Bump in the Night (3478 words) will laugh, cheer, and tingle with anticipation as they journey with Mollie on her quest to conquer her fears.
This is the sentence that says "amateur hour" to me. Don't tell me how people will react. SHOW me by writing a query letter that makes ME laugh, cheer, and tingle. I may not be 7 but I love Fancy Nancy and Olivia and cupcakes too. And so do children's book agents to whom you will direct this query when it's fixed up.
Books similar to mine are:
Julie B. Jones Has a Monster Under Her Bed by Barbara Park
Oh Bother! Someone's Afraid of the Dark! by Betty Birney
Whooos's Haunting the Teeny Tiny Ghost? by Kay Winters
You don't have to list books that are similar to yours. That's something for a non-fiction book proposal.
With the exception of the book written by Ms. Parks, the above listed book targets the younger reader.
Some older children are still afraid of the dark (like my elder son) and that's my reason for writing the book. The main character in my book depends very little on her parents, and is empowered by her own actions and decisions.
This isn't targeted to irrational seven year olds? What's the demographic? Remember kids read UP the age bracket not down. That means a ten year old does NOT want to read about a 7-year-old; s/he wants to read about a 12-year-old.
My book also contains the original Peanut Butter Song (sung to the tune of "You are my sunshine"), which was a hit with my test audience of 6-10 year-olds.
Words fail me. Please tell me you didn't include a CD.
My works have appeared in ezines, newspapers and magazines, including Sasee, Adoption Today, Story Station, Holiday Crafts 4 Kids, and JustForMom.com
Works? Do you mean stories? Essays? Illustrations?
I am also a contributor to anthology collections such as Laughing and Learning: Adventures in Parenting, Chicken Soup for the Dog Lover's Soul, and Chicken Soup for the Coffee Lover's Soul.
I also have experience promoting and organizing my own book signings.
Thank you for considering "Things that go Bump in the Night". I have included the first five and a half pages in the body of this email.
Unless you were referred by a client or someone I actually know, having someone tell you I'm the cat's pjs is baseless flattery. While I'm not all that opposed to baseless flattery it should be accompanied by the now famous twenty dollar bill.