WHISTLE BRITCHES is a southern term of endearment for boys with more energy than sense
Is "talk to hear their heads rattle" another southern turn of phrase? It jars me because heads don't rattle.
This middle-grade historical fiction set in Tullahoma, Tennessee in the summer of 1963 when the battles ravaging the land a century earlier were still felt, the Civil Rights Movement heated up, and the death count of the Vietnam Conflict started to climb.
This is an awkward sentence. It's also missing a verb.
The tense of the verbs seems off too: ARE still felt (not were), is heating up (not heated) and has started to climb.
I'm all for colorful writing, and I'll let you break every rule in the book, should that be your desire, but it's got to sound polished when you're done. This doesn't.
I'm not convinced that a middle grade book set in 1963 is considered "historical" but I'm not going to stop reading cause you categorize something in a way I think is wrong.
It's the awkward writing that will stop me cold.
When Will sees a WWI hero spit upon in his casket by the widow, his ten-year-old imagination spews out like a shaken co-cola.
Imagination spews out? Metaphors should illuminate, not confuse the reader.
Sent to his intense and serious grandmother as a punishment for his overactive imagination, Will sees another side to her.
whoa! I'm confused. We're not at the funeral with a spitting widow? That's just preliminary to the story? Get that OUT of the query. Focus on the heart of the story.
He also meets George Beatty, an old handyman, who has no schooling to speak of, but is the smartest man Will's ever met.
I'm afraid we've sunk into stereotypes and cliches now. The heart of gold, school of life handyman is such a stock figure that you must do something fresh and original with him to make him a compelling character.
Tullahoma in 1963 is a small town in which blacks and whites don't mix. But the kindness Will experiences on the other side of the tracks surprises him, especially because the hatred he observes in his grandmother's white Protestant church is such a contrast.
Will’s predicaments, his adversities, and the evasive nature of hope challenge him in formidable ways.
The evasive nature of hope? That's a phrase so awkward I don't know if it's hope or nature that's evasive.
I've been a magazine editor, ghostwriter, author, and nonfiction agent (for fifteen years). I now help my wife (a teacher and reading specialist) develop books in the education market. She is the co- author of (redacted).
Uh..no. No no no. Helping your spouse, of either gender, is not a publication credit.
WHISTLE BRITCHES is the first of several middle-grade novels I hope to write ...
this sentences implies you have not written it. I sincerely hope this is not the case.
...and for which I'm seeking representation. As a recording artist of folk and children’s songs (six music CDs for -redacted-to be released May 28th), I hope to help promote WHISTLE BRITCHES and other forthcoming books by visiting schools for performances and readings.
Thank you for your consideration.
Reply: awkward writing, cliche and stock characters spell form rejection.