Kelly is hunted by the Guild for the simple fact of being a necromancer. If that wasn’t bad enough, her zombie friend is threatened by a voodoo priest who will do anything to possess her, even kill Kelly for the privilege.
This is almost reminiscent of the old "walks in to a bar" joke motif: a necromancer, a zombie, and a voodoo priest walk in to a bar.
You're too close to the novel to see this. In fact, my guess is that when you read this you'll think I'm being harsh. One of the writing skills every author needs to master is objectivity: getting OUT of the story enough to see how someone else might interpret it. The only way to learn this is practice ("the first million words are practice"--Stephen King).
The same applies to queries.
There's a simple way to figure out what goes in the first paragraph of a query.
1. What is your main character's name?
2. What problem/choice does the character face? (20 words or fewer)
3. Who wants to foil the main character's plan and why? (20 words or fewer)
These three questions are the blueprint of your query. You don't write the answers and send it as a query any more than a real estate agent posts blueprints instead of photographs of a house for sale.
You USE these questions to guide you on what to include (action/plot) and what not to include (description/character list)
Think of it as a writing exercise. Answer each of these questions. Use as many words as you need, then pare down to 20.
To further complicate her life, she finds herself attracted to Rayne, whose relentless pursuit of her is about to tip off the Guild to her whereabouts.
You've got four characters mentioned in one paragraph. That is at least two, and probably three too many.
What Kelly doesn’t know is that Rayne is a Guild hunter and despises her kind. But he hides a sinister past from his Guild brothers. He once worked with black magic. After witnessing the death of his girlfriend at the hands of Demaskus, his old mentor, Rayne abandoned the dark arts and vowed to avenge her. When Demaskus returns and starts murdering hunters, Rayne is determined to destroy him at any cost. Trouble is, Kelly’s skills might be the key to defeat the man who wants to bring down the Guild.
At this point I'm confused, and I don't care. In fact I've stopped reading.
Rayne’s secrets unravel and Kelly discovers how deeply she’s been betrayed. When her friend is kidnapped by the voodoo priest now in league with Demaskus, her only hope lies in the Guild and the men who’d rather see her dead. Both Kelly and Rayne must face their enemies in a battle that will save either the Guild, or plunge society into chaos.
You mean society isn't already in chaos? You haven't seen our office when cupcakes arrive have you?
DEATHLY VEIL, is a completed 101,000 word urban fantasy romance.
I’m an active member in (redacted) and have had (redacted) ebooks in publication. (list redacted)
I stopped reading after the second paragraph and sent a form rejection.