Sunday, June 28, 2020

#335



“That roof is the wrong shape to talk to God.”

Chloe Reed hears this inside her head when she looks up in a coffeeshop, her house, her church, everywhere she goes. And the strange, static-laden voice is getting louder with each repetition.

It tells her she’s been chosen to build a correctly shaped roof.

Chloe bounces between thinking she’s going insane and hoping she’s been singled out to talk to God. She needs it to be the latter. She needs to know God loves her, that anyone loves her. She needs to know why her own father doesn’t even want to be in the same room as her.

She builds the roof and puts it on a shed in her backyard. She steps inside. The distorted voice that had been confined to her head crackles down at her from the roof. Chloe prostrates herself on the wooden floorboards.

The voice tells her it’s God. It tells her it has a plan and it needs her help. But it’s not the God she was expecting. This one doesn’t know who Jesus is.

Chloe must find out if the voice belongs to God. If it does, Chloe finally has concrete proof that she’s worthy of love. She finally has a way to get all the answers.

But the voice wants more than her faith. It wants all of humanity to believe. It wants total control. And it needs Chloe to get it.

CHLOE’S ROOF (80,200 words) is a work of speculative fiction. This would be my debut.

Put your comps here. Yes, you need them.
Put your bio here. Yes, you need one.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
This is clear, concise, well-written.
It works for me, I'd read the pages.

But, this is not going to appeal to every agent.
Which means even a clear, concise, well-written query is going to get some passes. 

Any questions?



 

18 comments:

Mike said...

Is there a specific reason this one needs comps, or are you saying all queries need comps?

Theresa said...

Nicely done. I'd pick this one up.

LynnRodz said...

I'm intrigued and I want to know what shape that roof is. What I don't understand is why does God need a girl to help him gain total control of humanity when, after all, he's God? If He wants total control he can have total control, which then brings me to a logical conclusion. Still, I would probably read this. Good job.

Kim Aippersbach said...

This is an awesome premise; I would totally read this.

Stephen G Parks said...

I'm curious what contemporary comps exist for this idea. (NB. I don't read around this genre, not even sure what genre to call it)

I mean Genesis (Noah and the arc), Exodus (Moses and his tabernacle), and Samuel (David and his tabernacle) are all over 2,000 years old.

W.P. Kinsella's Shoeless Joe (aka Field of Dreams) is much closer, but would still be 30+ years old.

It doesn't sound like the tone matches anything by Christopher Moore. Could you tie this to Charlie Jane Anders' All the Birds in the Sky?

EllaB said...

This is brilliant. I'd read it too.

Unknown said...

I second Mike's question about the comps. And I wonder about the bio. What if you're a professional apparition without social media? Wouldn't it be better to focus on the story and leave yourself out of it instead of grasping for straws?

MackAttack said...

I would certainly read this. There's something sinister and perhaps extraterrestrial going on. It's just barely hinted at, which sparks interest in reading to find out, but I think it comes across nicely in that the tone is so much darker than one would expect when discussing popular views of divinity. The distorted voice crackles... It's not the God she was expecting. This one doesn't know Jesus. It wants total control. In a few succinctly powerful sentences, you convey the tone that belies what the voice tells her, creating a cognitive dissonance that enhances the mystery. This is not divinity as we know it; what is it? How bad is it for humanity? And will Chloe have to defeat it? You manage to make me wonder these very significant things without having to tediously spell it out.

Also, I badly want to know why her father can't stand being in the same room with her, too!

Great job, and good luck!

Bushranger said...

My immediate go to is, God has a secondary intent that will involve challenge and growth for Chloe of significant importance. Something Chloe would not attain if God were to take control on his own. Maybe?

Tug and Tuggy said...

Is it God? Or, is it a demon? Demons and the devil can deceive and prey upon our weaknesses and needs. This could evolve and be a hunt for love, but caught up in a trap that she needs to escape to find the real One who is universal love.

Interesting.

I want to know more and why dad is a jerk to her and how she turns out.

Catherine Illian said...

I'm confused about the bio. What if you don't have one-- because this is your debut novel?

Unknown said...

Not sure where to leave this comment, as many of your posts have comments disabled. But what is your policy on when writers receive fulls, as an agent? As in, when I write new queries, do I mention I have a full out to another agent? Should I send a nudge informing agents I'm waiting for responses from that I've had a full request? My research on this topic has produced mixed advice.

Unknown said...

@ Catherine Illian:
On another query review, this comment is made:
'A good bio gives us (the reading agent) a sense of who you are. You can mention pets, where you live, what you do when you need inspiration, your favorite kind of shark..anything that warms up the intro.'

We can assume from this that you need a bio and that a bio doesn't have to be only writing credits- you just need to seem like a person.

Riot Gere said...

What are comps?

Unknown said...

To me, this is the first page, not a query letter. So, why do you need a comp and bio here???

Unknown said...

Wow.. I enjoy the thought more like the idea. To have a letter.. straight to God.. well if I could have a letter that reaches God in all honesty I would want climb it.. yes me who is scared of heights would climb it.. I t! I know this is fiction.. but.. I find it encouraging

calleydog said...

This is great. I'd love to read this. It would be a comp for my novel, actually. That's why I'd like to hear what her comps are. I'm having a hard time coming up with comps for my novel about voices that entice a serial killer.

calleydog said...

I'm with Tug and Tuggy. I suspect this isn't really God. Or, conversely, it is a story that remakes God in another image (One that doesn't know Jesus). I'm wondering about The Shack as a comp (?)