And now, a pause for jocularity 2

Dear Sublimity, Snookums QueryShark:

Literary agent Nicola Mersdon just wants three things:
1. An extended vacation in the Bahamas (without the slush pile)
2. A sojourn in the local bar (without the manuscript-bearing students)
And:
3. An engagement ring

But she'll settle for a drink.

Three thousand queries, and Nicola Mersdon has a problem. Her romantically-inclined acquaintance has sent her a diamond ring - without an SASE. Nicola is brought into conflict with her own conscience - can she truly accept the engagement and risk tacit support for NITWIT, a multinational alliance of vicious mass queriers and agent e-mail finders - as it did? But Nicola has a duty, and a harsh one - to reject the query. Whatever it takes.


But her querier's romantic inclinations are as nothing compared to his employers'. NITWIT are determined - and there's the devil in the details, as they offer Nicola a chance to die for: a reconciliatory holiday with her rejected. Unfortunately, NITWITs may provide cookies and scented paper, but honeymoons aren't their speciality. As Nicola finds out to her cost - brought to New York for a sacrifice upon one of agenthood's highest pinnacles of sense. Tied to Miss Snark's grave shrine in Central Park, Nicola is forced to offer her betrothed and his allies in NITWITtery a critique, forcing them to retire in shame. Then she eviscerates them.


LIFE AND LOVE IN AN SASE is an epic tale of tragedy, the human condition, and the eternal duology of love. My 200, 000 word manuscript - described as a fascinating combination of Socrates and Faulkner - is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

#118

Dear Query Shark,

Macey Fry isn’t prude, she just gags at the smell of cigarettes and puts Post-Its over the nudes in her Louvre book. Her three best friends, however, stow Malboros in their air-conditioning vents and hide condoms in their teddy bears. Still, the four are inseparable; until Crystal Meth.

Post-it notes over art photos is textbook prude, by the way.
Crystal Meth isn't a person, or a proper name so it's not capitalized.

On the last day of Sophomore year, Macey is feeling bold. She’s sixteen now, after all, and she’s wasting her youth being scared all the time. She nervously gulps down two cocktails at an end of school party and winds up asleep before midnight. Macey’s three best friends are feeling bold, too, as the party ends. But Allison, Charity, and Lindsey are bored with cocktails. They’re ready to try the next big thing in teenage entertainment and Charity’s boyfriend has it in that dirty clump of crystals stuffed deep into his pocket.

This sounds nothing like any young person I know. It sounds like a disapproving adult: "wasting her youth" The thing about kids is they don't know they are wasting their youth. "teenage entertainment" is another phrase I'd fall over dead if I heard a kid say.

After just a few long nights with Crystal Meth, Charity and Lindsey are hooked. Macey will never be bold enough to try it and Allison is more interested in her new boyfriend than the new drug. For the first time in eight years, the group is split.



When a police raid on a meth party freezes the local trade, Macey and Allison think they’ve seen the end of their friends’ addictions. But Lindsey and Charity find another source: a dealer whose house is crowded with criminal men and shifty secrets.

Macey thinks her friends will stop being addicted because the supply dries up? I'm less enamored of this character with every passing paragraph.



Soon, Allison’s boyfriend ends their relationship and Allison turns to Lindsey, Charity, and their crystalline comfort, leaving Macey in solitude. Macey must decide which is more dangerous: wallowing in loneliness, or braving the hazardous drug world for the company of her best friends.

And where are her parents in all this? Surely she has a choice other than wallowing in loneliness or hanging out with meth addicts. She sounds spineless and weak here. That's NOT someone I want to spend 200 pages (let alone 140,000 words--ack!) with.

GLITTER AND DECAY is literary fiction, complete at 140,000 words. I describe it as Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants meets Go Ask Alice. I am an unpublished author hoping this novel will be my debut work. I have never been a meth addict, but I have pooled the knowledge and experience of several women who have to create this story. TMI

140,000 words is not only too long for a YA novel, it's also too long for an adult novel. Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants is a middle grade novel. I have no idea what Go Ask Alice is called but I read it in high school.

Thank you in advance for your time and attention. I am an avid reader of both your blogs and grateful for your every helpful word.

Focus on Macey. This is her story.

Right now I just want to smack every character and send them to convent school. Your job as a writer is to make me care about the protagonist even if I do want to smack her upside the head. You haven't done that here.

Form rejection.

#117-Revised Twice, and yes we have a winner!

Dear Query Shark,

While Josie Moore hasn’t exactly made peace with her decision to give up her baby boy, she has learned to accept it. She lives her life as if on hold, impatient for the day her son Austin turns eighteen and she is finally allowed to contact him.

When she spots Austin’s adoptive father in the grocery store, she is overjoyed. Now divorced, Mike has recently moved to town and is raising Austin alone. Totally out of the blue, the unexpected sighting provides her with a much needed opportunity. After careful deliberation, Mike allows Josie and Austin to meet.

Eleven year old Austin is eager to get to know Josie, and they develop an easy and comfortable relationship. Mike struggles with placing limits on their time together, and is torn as Austin gradually grows closer to Josie. Often at odds, Mike and Josie try their best to get along for Austin’s sake.

Austin ignores their sometimes hostile attitudes towards each other, and begins to picture the three of them as a family. Unfortunately, he has no idea how to go about making this happen. By the time he starts working on it, both Josie and Mike have started dating other people.

Things get more complicated when Austin’s adoptive mom, Georgia, reenters the picture. She essentially abandoned Austin years before, and is now looking to repair their broken relationship. Mike and Josie join together in helping Austin deal with his conflicted feelings about Georgia.

Mike and Josie don’t see eye to eye on many things, but are united in their concern for Austin. In their efforts to protect him, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

A work of women’s fiction, SOMETHING GOOD is complete at 75,000 words. Thanks for your time and consideration.


Holy Helvetica, you did it! Frankly I was copyediting my snarl for "you can redo a query letter this fast and get it right" and boy oh boy was I wrong. This is ready to go out into the world.

VERY nice work!!! Congratulations!!
-----------------
FIRST REVISION

Dear Query Shark,

While Josie Moore has not exactly made peace with her decision to give up her baby boy, she has learned to accept it. Finished with college, but without a boyfriend or job, she was convinced it was her only choice. What she can’t accept is Mike and Georgia Cameron’s divorce. After choosing them so carefully, she is stunned to discover they divorced shortly after the adoption. She is also angry that they ignored their agreement to send updates and pictures, but she is legally unable to do anything about it.


Eleven years later, Josie is divorced and alone. She keeps mostly to herself, save the occasional lunches and dinners with her colleague and friend, Howard. She places her life on hold, impatient for the day Austin turns eighteen and she can try to find him.

Well, she does know where he is right? She has his parents' name. What you mean is contact him, not find him, right?

When she spots Mike Cameron in the grocery store one day, she is overjoyed. Totally out of the blue, the unexpected sighting provides her with a much needed opportunity. Figuring Mike owes her something, Josie pleads her case, terrified of messing up her one chance. He isn’t exactly thrilled to see her, or to reveal how Georgia re-married and had a baby, essentially abandoning Austin.

The problem here is that this is all set up for the actual story (at least I hope it is). The story starts when Josie sees Mike in the grocery store. Pare down the first three paragraphs and get to the PLOT: what happens when everyone is interacting.

Having recently moved to town, he is raising Austin alone. After careful consideration, he allows Josie and Austin to meet. Josie and Austin develop an easy and comfortable relationship, while she does her best not to alienate the easily irritated and often prickly Mike.


Things get more complicated when Georgia reenters the picture. Mike and Josie don’t see eye to eye on many things, but are united in their concern for Austin. In their efforts to protect him, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

This is the part where it gets interesting. Focus here.

A work of Women’s Fiction, SOMETHING GOOD is complete at 75,000 words. Thanks for your time and consideration.

women's fiction isn't capitalized. I'm seeing all these random capitalizations lately; it's making me cranky.

My guess is that the query letter reflects the biggest problem with the novel: too much backstory. I'll lay you ten to one that the real story starts somewhere around page 40, chapter four when the grocery store scene is.

That's the start of the story. All the windup and back story can come in later. We don't need to know all that stuff to start with. Josie sees Mike; consternation ensues.


Better but not there yet.

----------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

I would like you to consider SOMETHING GOOD, a work of women's fiction complete at 75,000 words.

Start with the story.

Divorced, childless and edging toward cynical, Josie Moore is doing the best she can. She lives with the colossal regret that she didn't choose wisely when she gave up her precious newborn son to the outwardly perfect Mike and Georgia Cameron. The discovery that they divorced a mere three years later leaves her frustrated and angry, but unable to do anything about it.

Ok, so she ISN'T exactly childless is she? Why did Josie give her son up? Was she a surrogate? Was she alone and afraid? A very quick couple of words to give us a sense of why she did this will connect us to her emotionally. You don't have much emotion here, and so the query feels flat. That's not good, particularly when you're dealing with a VERY emotionally charged concept here.




An out of the blue sighting at the grocery store and she may have the chance to reconnect with her son, Austin, years before she hoped or even imagined. He and his dad have moved to town, and after Josie confronts Mike, he reluctantly agrees to give her a chance to meet him. Depending on Austin's reaction, he may even allow her some small role in his life.

This is passive voice: "an out of the blue sighting at the grocery store". Short declarative sentences: Josie sees her son one day at the grocery story. It's totally unexpected, out of the blue. He and his dad etc.

Why does she confront him? He didn't steal the boy. He adopted him, right? You're missing the obvious here: Josie is this child's biological parent and suddenly here is a chance to be part of his life. Make us feel her elation, her hope, her fear. I'm not talking about huge run on sentences; more like six well chosen adjectives.



Trying her best not to alienate the easily irritated and often prickly Mike, Josie develops an easy and comfortable relationship with Austin. Having her around turns out to be a surprisingly good thing for them when the long absent Georgia re-enters the picture. Having all but abandoned Austin after the divorce, she returns, hoping to fix their badly damaged relationship.

Give your paragraph some chiropractic adjustment: subject, verb, clause. Josie develops an easy and comfortable relationship with Austin while she tries her best not to alienate etc. See the difference?

Now, who is the them in the badly damaged relationship? Austin? Mike? And you really don't need much more than "things get much more complicated when Georgia reenters the picture." We can intuit the chaos that ensues.


Mike and Josie don't see eye to eye on many things, but are in complete agreement in their love and concern for Austin. In their somewhat clumsy attempts to keep him protected and happy, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

Put these sentences in subject, verb, clause form. In short form queries it's very important to keep your structure as simple as possible. And frankly with the amount of sentence polarity (I made that up in case you're wondering if you missed something in grammar class) here in this letter, I'm VERY afraid I'm going to see a lot of it in the manuscript. That is NOT a good thing.

The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your time and consideration.

Put the title and word count down here.

You have a very good concept here. It's the writing that makes me shiver. I think you need a good brutal critique group that will help you see some of the convoluted writing I see here.

I'd probably read a couple pages hoping for the best, but then if they were good, I'd read near the middle of the book too, just to avoid the dreaded "workshopped to hell first chapter syndrome." WTHFCS is what we call a novel with a perfect first chapter followed closely by a splat of epic proportions. I actually have a category for this on my query data base "what the hell was I thinking."

I'd read on but you've got a VERY narrow window here. Before you query, I'd make sure that book has had some brutal (and I mean BRUTAL) beta readers.

#116-Revised

Dear QueryShark:

Mavis McCreedy has decided to end it all. Her 102nd birthday party is just two weeks away, and she’s determined not to attend. She's just plain fed-up! This relentlessly tedious celebration of mediocrity, called 'life', has toyed with her long enough.

In the critique of the original I said we didn't get much sense of why Mavis wanted to end it all, given she's clearly got all her marbles and a functioning body. "Relentlessly tedious celebration of mediocrity called life" sounds like something you'd hear at a cocktail party of twenty-somethings trying to be blase. Dig deeper. It's the gist of your novel. She can't just want to kill herself cause you need a set up for the novel.

So, instead of helping her incredibly irritating niece plan the big bash at the nursing home, (where she’s been imprisoned for the last twenty years), she embarks on a series of hilariously ineffective suicide attempts.



She tries the usual, at first. You know, she throws herself in front of a bus, down an escalator, and she attempts asphyxiation by an enormous un-chewed rasher of bacon—all without success. Each day brings another unwanted series of heartbeats, and another scheme for Mavis to do herself in. Eventually, in desperation, she even accepts the offer of her eighty-nine year old best friend, Stan. He tries to help out by jacking a Viagra “weekender pill” off his son’s boyfriend. Try as Stan might, (and he does…oh, he does), even that doesn’t work! As the big day approaches, poor Mavis finds herself still very much alive, and profoundly pissed-off.



Is it just an annoying run of good luck? Or, has Providence decided that Mavis must finish her life’s lesson plan before checking-out?



The title of this book is “Mercy”. Thank you for your time in considering this submission.

Word count?

Same response as below: I'd probably read pages if you included them, and a LOT would depend if you caught me on a good day or not. You'd have no way of knowing if you did, so a smart query strategy would be plan to query WIDELY.

This just doesn't grab me cause I don't believe someone who is in good health at 102 would try to kill themselves. The older you get, the more precious life becomes in my experience. And I only look 102, I'm not actually there yet.

---------------------------------
ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark,


Mavis McCreedy has decided to end it all. Her 102nd birthday party is just two weeks away, and she’s determined not to attend. Instead of helping her incredibly irritating niece plan the big bash at the nursing home, (where she’s been imprisoned for the last twenty years), she embarks on a series of hilariously ineffective suicide attempts.

I'm going to assume this is a mordant comedy akin to Harold and Maude. What we're missing here is a sense of Mavis. Why does she want to end it all? If she's well enough, and astute enough for the antics of paragraph two why has she got the hots for St. Peter?

She tries the usual, at first. You know, she throws herself in front of a bus, down an escalator, and she attempts asphyxiation by an enormous un-chewed rasher of bacon—all without success. Each day brings another unwanted series of heartbeats, and another scheme for Mavis to do herself in. Eventually, in desperation, she even accepts the offer of her eighty-nine year old best friend, Stan. He tries to help out by jacking a Viagra “weekender pill” off his son’s boyfriend. Try as Stan might, (and he does…oh, he does), even that doesn’t work! As the big day approaches, poor Mavis finds herself still very much alive, and profoundly pissed-off.


Is it just an annoying run of good luck? Or, has Providence decided that Mavis must finish her life’s lesson plan before checking-out?


The title of this book is “Mercy”. If you are interested, please email me, or phone at (redacted) Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks,


This is a pretty good query letter except that I don't have any sense of why I want to spend an entire book reading about someone trying to kill herself. And I don't have much sense of Mavis either.


A lot would depend on how backlogged I was when I got the query. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, this is a pass cause it's not just reaching out and grabbing me.


This is one of those where I'd read the pages if you were smart and followed the directions to send them but I'm not sure I'd request pages if you hadn't.

This is a textbook example of a query that could go either way and EXACTLY why you query a lot of agents. Hit me on the wrong day it's pass, for someone else it's a read.

#115-Revised

Dear Query Shark,

Sallie Talbot is most content when her life on the Carolina seashore is calm, quiet, and peaceful. She is therefore most unsettled one evening when her spunky Great Aunt Ruth is unexpectedly checked into the hospital. Even more unsettling, however, is what Aunt Ruth says when Sallie comes to visit. Ruth tells the story of her secret, long-lost love, Arturo Zuruec, whom she met in an obscure Peruvian village and fell in love with many years ago. An unfortunate twist of fate separated the two, and Ruth hasn’t seen or heard from Arturo in over fifty years. Being separated from him is a decades-old regret that Ruth insists only Sallie can set right.


You've used 113 words here to say one thing: Sallie's Aunt Ruth wants her to find a long lost love.
When I see this kind of word sprawl I know I'm going to find the exact same kind of writing in the novel. I stop reading right here. Pare this down. You don't have to be James Ellroy; you do have to practice an economy of words.


Unable to deny her aunt’s dying plea, Sallie agrees to fly to Peru, track down Arturo, and deliver a message on Ruth’s behalf. Easier said than done. In her sickly state Ruth cannot recall many details about the place she and Arturo met, and only remembers that it was a northern Andean city ‘in the clouds.’ What kind of people live in the clouds? Ruth also entrusts Sallie with Arturo’s ring, a precious golden relic that boasts beautiful ancient American artwork but is hardly helpful for tracking Arturo down. With nothing but Ruth’s scant testimony to go on, Sallie quickly realizes how utterly unprepared she is for the journey.

A lost ring? A city in the clouds? These are both so closely identified with other books and movies that they don't sound either fresh or new here.

And honest to helvetica, I absolutely fail to understand why Sallie doesn't just soothe Aunt Ruth with lies and forget the whole thing. Why would she do this? What's in it for her?

Amidst the chaos of unknown cities and villages, and virtually unable to communicate with the locals, Sallie grapples with the fear of making wrong decisions. How fully should she trust the memories and directions of her ill, aging aunt? What will happen if she decides to accept the help of Gabe Foster, an irresistibly handsome stranger who, after hearing about the ‘clouds’ and seeing the priceless ring, says he knows the way? Even if Sallie does accept Gabe’s help, she can’t help but wonder what chance they really have of finding Arturo anyway, when steaming jungles, belligerent natives, and fifty long years are standing in their way. With Ruth’s happiness and Sallie’s own survival on the line, will Sallie be able to abandon her self-doubt and quiet ways to get the job done?

Ruth's happiness is on the line? Wait a second here. She's been without Arturo for FIFTY FRIGGING YEARS!! You can't just say things about characters because you need them to be true for the book to work.

For a book to have a cohesive emotional framework, readers must be convinced that the characters are acting in a way that makes sense. Makes sense to the reader AND makes sense to the character. Because we don't know Ruth at all (and can't in the brief space of a query letter) you have to tell us WHY her happiness suddenly depends on this.

And honest to hortonwhoheardawho, there are a lot of unhappy people in the world. I sure as heck wouldn't be traipsing off to CloudCuckooLand for anything other than cold hard cash or a signed representation agreement with Thomas Pynchon. In other words, logical tangible benefits to ME. Altruism is a very sketchy motivation.

Wander Me Home is complete at 89,000 words. I have previously had shorter selections published in (redacted) magazine, was named a notable essay writer for (redacted) and am winner of the 2009 (redacted) Creative Writing Contest. I am a graduate of (redacted), with a BA in American Studies.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


I stopped reading at paragraph one and sent a form rejection.

--------------------------------------
ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark,

I would like to invite you to review my novel Wander Me Home, a work of women's fiction complete at 89,000 words. A tale of escape from the mundane, Wander Me Home tells a story of untamed jungles, hidden villages, and self discovery. Below is a brief description.

Start with the story. The paragraph above is drenched with generalities that don't entice me to read further down the page, let alone the book.

Sallie Talbot may not have the life she’s always dreamed of, but she prides herself on finding joy in the simple things. Sure, she wastes her talents every day working for a two-faced employer who has all the intelligence and grace of a burnt-out light bulb, but at least she has a roof over her head.

Sallie maintains that life is good as long as things are quiet, calm, and running smoothly. Her quiet life is occasionally interrupted because she has the unenviable task of running interference between her famously hot-tempered mother and beloved Great-Aunt Ruth (a woman of questionable sanity immensely fond of spinning tales of youthful exploits in mysterious Peruvian villages), but for the most part Sallie’s life is quite calm.

Again, start with something interesting. The fact that Sallie likes calm can be dealt with in one phrase: Sallie values a calm*, well-running life.

We know something is going to disturb that calm. Get on with telling us what it is:


However, when a cool, Carolina October brings with it a series of sickening shocks, Sallie's serene, easy life is turned upside down, especially when her vibrant great-aunt takes ill and makes a startling confession, followed by a desperate plea: Will Sallie please drop everything and fly to an unnamed Peruvian village in search of Ruth’s long lost love, Arturo Zuruec, whom she hasn’t seen or heard from in over fifty years?

You told us Aunt Ruth was insane. If Sallie values inner peace why would she do something so obviously irrational? You have all the description here except that matters: WHY Sallie decides to do this. What does Aunt Ruth say that persuades her? Or does she just say "oh fuck it, I'm tired of inner peace, bring on the Aztec Incan warriors"

You have to give me enough to make me believe the character's choices. You can't just send her to Peru cause you need her there.

An uncharacteristic, blind leap of faith lands Sallie in faraway Lima, Peru, with her best friend and baby brother at her side. (she's taking a baby?? Be careful how you use words) Festivals, jungles, natives, and not-so-unexpected betrayals are just a few of the things that mark Sallie’s uncertain path towards Arturo Zuruec, and when a golden Adonis of a stranger, the handsome Gabe Foster, unexpectedly comes to Sallie's aid in a moment of distress, she begins to think that Gabe is meant to save her in more ways than one. Sallie can't help but wonder if she has anything to offer in return.

Golden Adonis is Greek. You're telling us a story set in Peru.

Continually lighthearted and at times surprisingly thoughtful, Cadence brings laughter and intrigue to a story of belated self-discovery, and resoundingly affirms that true love knows no bounds.

Who or what is Cadence?
Leave this whole paragraph out. It doesn't say anything. Use the words you save here to elaborate on what's important: What choices does Sallie face, what decision does she have to make; what's at stake, and why will I care. SHOW me the answers to these questions, don't tell me.

Although it is my first complete novel, I have previously had shorter selections published in (redacted) magazine, was named a notable essay writer for (redacted) and am winner of the 2009 (redacted) Creative Writing Contest. I am a graduate of (redacted), with a BA in American Studies.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

This is essentially a different take on Romancing The Stone. You've got to give me something more specific to your book so it doesn't look like an 80's movie.

Start over.

Form rejection.


*there was a typo here that's mentioned in the comments, but now fixed.

#114-Revised Twice, and yes, we have a winner

Dear Query Shark:

“I Rode With Teddy Roosevelt”(working title)

IN 1883, 15- year-old Scottie Burns is hired by a young, vibrant Theodore Roosevelt to work on his Dakota ranch. Like teenaged boys ever since, he finds a role model in this dashing, charismatic hunter/ rancher. As he grows ever closer to TR, Scottie also discovers a
darker, more cynical side to this political animal. TR, in turn, sees Scottie as a good hunting and fishing companion, personal aide and sounding board for his ideas.

Scottie matures as America grows in world stature, helped along by TR’s expansionist sentiments and racial “profiling” -- sentiments Scottie comes to seriously question. He also sees TR quick to practice opportunistic cruelty to his oldest allies if it advances his political career. Scottie will experience that betrayal when he join’s TR’s Rough Riders invading Cuba. The two won’t meet again until the Pan American Exposition, three years later.

This 43,000-word novella offer’s Scottie’s view of the unromantic cowboy life and his fascination with the era’s technological advances: the bicycle, automobile, earliest movies and the birth of press photography

I am a former a reporter, editor and columnist for the (redacted), have freelanced articles for regional and national magazines, have been anthologized and have a book about “classic” cameras still in print. I know the value of good editing, respond to it, and am trained
to meet deadlines.

This could be an interesting read for middle schoolboys. My teacher friends say that's a gap to be filled. I think their fathers would like it as well.

You should have better marketing ideas. May I send you some, or all off the manuscript?



Why yes, yes you can.

This is a really good revision, and the querier is benefiting from my feverish hunt for middle grade books for boys, particularly those based on real people.





------------------------------
First Revision
Dear Query Shark


Scottie Burns trailed along with Teddy Roosevelt from 1883 until breaking with the Chief after the Spanish-American War, fed up with seeing TR’s ever darker side. Meeting his idol in 1883 and working on Teddy Roosevelt’s Dakota ranch, the two become hunting companions.

After reading paragraph 3, it's clear we need to start this, or mention early on how old Scottie Burns is. (YA novels really need to have YA-age protagonists)

This first sentence pretty much sucks, and my guess is you'll see it now too. There's no sense of excitement here, no sense of drawing us in to adventure. You're still doing what you did in the original: giving us too much information.

You need a snappier first line. It can take days to get it right. Anything that has to be short and punchy is harder to write than a 250 word paragraph.

Teddy takes him back to New York after the Great Die-Off. T R needs to earn a living and has always been in politics. Scottie becomes his personal assistant, sounding board for ideas, and, in time, skeptical of Teddy’s Imperialistic tendencies. He detests the cavalier attitude
Teddy shows -- to even his closest allies -- on his way to the top and they part ways. As the 20th Century dawns, Scottie realizes he has seen the nation become a world power.

Focus on Scottie, not TR. That's the story. Tell us what the great Die-Off is. (My guess without googling is the 1919 epidemic)

This odd novel has me stymied: my wife says it could be a fine Young Adult novel-- especially for middle school boys for whom there is a dearth of books with “guy stuff” to pique the interest of otherwise lazy readers. I think adult Teddy Roosevelt admirers also will be interested. “A Rough Ride With Teddy” has ranch life hunting, fishing, the wonders of the current electromechanical age then dawning -- it even has some love and war.

Never ever use the word lazy with reader in a query letter. Those guys are going to be your audience. Treat them with respect.

How many words in the novel?



I got my first byline at age 13 and, hooked by newspapers, worked as a reporter, editor and columnist for the Buffalo News. I also wrote freelance magazine articles, saw work anthologized and authored a book on co;collecting and using “classic” cameras. I thus know a fair amount about publishing, about the help editors can give any writing, and -- for sure -- how to meet deadlines.

A full synopsis and chapters attached.

NO NO NO. NEVER EVER attach anything to a query letter unless the instructions specifically say "attach." If the instructions say anything else, such as 'include' 'contain' 'enclose' etc, put them in the body of the email.


You're still in reporter mode here; standing back and observing. Get into the story. Be partisan. Be subjective. Step off the sidelines and get into the mud, the blood and beer and make us see what that life is like for Scottie, what choices he faces, and why we should give a hoot about him.

--------------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

Fifteen-year-old Scottie Burns is hired as a ranch hand by a young, vibrant Theodore Roosevelt in Dakota Territory. He finds an idol in this dashing, charismatic hunter/rancher. In time TR finds in Scottie a good hunting companion and sounding board for his ideas.

In their time together (1883-1900) Teddy becomes more manipulative and “political,” Scottie matures -- and the nation grows too, becoming a world power.

Scottie shows us the unromantic side of cowboy life. We share his fascination with the era’s technological advances: the bicycle, automobile, earliest movies and the birth of press photography

He hears Teddy’s desire for U.S. expansion, and his ideas about racial traits. He also sees TR’s constant striving and realizes that TR has lost his reformer’s ideals. Instead, he has become self-
centered, stubborn and quick to practice opportunistic cruelty to his oldest allies if that advances his political career.

Tho he doubts the need for war with Spain, he joins Teddy ‘s Rough Riders invades cuba and comes under fire at San Juan Hill. Once mustered out Burns, now 30, has had his fill of Roosevelt’s ambition and quits. He moves to Buffalo to join a photography studio and
prospers during that city’s industrial boom. There he is hired to photograph the Pan American Exposition.

That incredible summer fair signaled America’s arrival as a new, muscular world power. Millions came that summer for their first look at the miraculous X-rays, infant incubators and experience the marvels of electrification, which would soon sweep across the nation.
They also saw the fruits of the nation’s expansionist push.

When President McKinley is shot, Vice President Roosevelt rushes to a deathbed inauguration.

The two men meet again, Roosevelt turns on his charm to ask Scottie to rejoin his entourage. Scottie refuse -- but the meeting sparks his memories of their years together.


You've mistaken a query letter for a rundown of the events in the book. I swear I'm going to make everyone pass a damn test drawn from the QueryShark archives before sending me queries for this blog.

How many times do I have to say this? One more at least I guess: The purpose of a query letter is to incite interest in the book. It is NOT a rundown of the events, any more than a love letter is a rundown of the events you plan to woo her with.

Start with the hero. What conflict does he face? Not a war kind of conflict, but a choice kind of conflict. You've only alluded to it here: Scottie is conflicted when his hero isn't quite so heroic.

Now what choice must the hero make? What consequences of those choices bother him?

What I'm looking for in query letter is a sense of "what's amiss here, and what's going to happen because of it?"

Use that to structure your query. You don't have to tell the whole story; if you can tell the whole story in one page, I'm pretty sure I really don't want to read it!

Start again.
And read the damn archives.
I'm not in this for love yanno.

#112-REVISED

Dear Query Shark:

Childless landowner Emily Hunt lives through her whippets, especially a little bitch named Hope. Other dogs immediately recognize Hope's extraordinary gift: humans can hear her. Humans, hampered by their clumsy reliance on the spoken word, mistake hearing Hope for their own thoughts.

What do "childless" and "landowner" have to do with the story? Are these the two most important things we need to know about Emily? My guess is no, they are not. Therefore, don't put them first in a query letter.

When Hope disappears, Emily is determined to find her, haunted by memories of her first dog, taken away when six-year-old Emily was placed in foster care. She will not have another dog taken from her, though her obsession threatens her friendships and her marriage.

I'm not sure we need to know why Emily is determined to find Hope. It makes sense that if she lives through her dogs, she's not going to just let them be dognapped and not do something about it.

Hope has entered the dark world of stolen dogs: dog auctions, commercial breeding facilities, and puppy mills. After two auctions in as many years she is halfway across the country living in deplorable conditions. But here she connects with Caleb, a scrawny ten-year-old boy, whose alcoholic widower father terrorizes him and criminally neglects his 'breeder dogs'.

Alcoholic and widower! Evil incarnate! Oh wait, it's the "criminally neglects" part that is important isn't it? Focus on what's important. Leave out all the description.

Caleb is determined to save Hope when his father consigns her to yet another dog auction. An Internet search convinces him that his little white whippet is the same one that is advertised as stolen on the pretty lady’s website.

Why does he want to save her?

Caleb thinks Emily hasn’t arrived in time and tries to stop the auctioneer from taking Hope, getting beaten by his dad for his efforts. With the gavel banging, a weak Hope feels Emily’s presence and turns toward her. In horror, Emily realizes that the pathetic dog is her Hope. A dirty little boy with a blood-smeared face is screaming as loud as she is.

You've given us a synopsis of the book, not a reason to read it. You'd do well to revise this and focus on the dilemma Emily faces, not the series of events that happen. Right now this doesn't make me wonder "what happens next" because you've told me.

Little Hope. The manuscript is 78,000 words.

Thank you for your valuable time.
My time isn't any more valuable than yours.

Use this: Thank you for your time and consideration.

Better, but still a form rejection.
Remember the goal in a query letter is to entice me to read this book. Clearly it's a subject you're passionate about. Get some of that passion on the page. This is a list of events, not a siren call to the page.

-------------------------------------------------

ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

Emily Hunt lives through her dogs. Whippets. Elegant, art deco creatures built for speed with eyes deep as God and just as knowing. Emily's youngest whippet, a little bitch named Hope, blasts into the quirky world of sighthound enthusiasts and quickly establishes her unlikely self as a star. Dogs instantly recognize Hope's extraordinary gift: humans can hear her. Humans, with their diminished capacities, are clueless.

I'm confused. (This is not a good sign) Who is the book about? Hope or Emily? Because you start with Emily and the fact that she "lives through her dogs" I'm thinking this is a story about Emily. Then it sounds like it's a story about Hope's ability to communicate with people (I"m going to forgo the Bitch Whisperer jokes here because, despite the last sentence, I don't think you're going for a sardonic tone.)

Emily lives on a secluded estate in Virginia's Shenandoah Valley, passed down to her husband over generations of horsey landed gentry. Though the couple is childless, Emily has her dogs, her rescued thoroughbreds, and her friends. Her husband, Edgar Emerson Hunt, III, has a busy law practice in Washington, DC. Life is good.

This is pointless. What happens?

Hope vanishes from the yard, and Emily's world disintegrates. When a well-meaning friend says, "It's just a dog," Emily slaps her, hard. She will find her dog. It is a matter of trust.Through her searching, Emily's own past as a foster child in Baltimore is revealed.

A matter of trust? I don't understand what you mean. The dog trusts Emily to find her?


Hope survives in the seedy underworld of dog auctions, commercial kennels, and puppy mills. At the end of the end, a back yard puppy mill in Missouri where she's one of 110 dogs in a rickety garage, Hope meets Caleb, a scrawny ten-year-old boy, whose alcoholic widower father terrorizes him and criminally neglects his 'breeder dogs'. Caleb hears Hope, loves her, and is determined to save her when his father consigns her to yet another dog auction.

whoa! Missouri? Caleb? Where's Emily? What does any of this have to do with the first two paragraphs?

The dramatic conclusion gets Emily past the gun-toting guard at the auction barn just in time to not recognize Hope on the auction block. When she 'hears' her dog, she can't hear her own screams, and dismisses the vision of a dirty little boy with a fresh black eye who is screaming as loud as she is.

You're mixing show and tell here, and neither come out well. Emily doesn't recognize Hope. She can't hear her. Why is she screaming if she doesn't recognize the dog? Why is she having a vision? Do you mean she is seeing the boy?


The conclusion is relentlessly rewarding.

Please please please don't tell me how I'm supposed to respond to a book. It just makes me say "wanna bet?" SHOW me what I might find relentlessly (an odd modifier for) rewarding, instead of TELLING me.

Little Hope. The manuscript is 78,000 words.




(two paragraphs from novel redacted)

Don't include lines from the book in your query letter. Include the first 3-5 pages, at the end.

Thank you for your valuable time.

all the best-


Who is the main character? What happens to her? What choices does she need to make and what are the consequences.

Have I yammered about that enough? I guess not.

Answer those questions. That's the basis for the query letter.

People like to read about dogs. You might have a good story in here. This query letter is like an Springer Spaniel with a winter coat. It needs a bout with the clippers to spruce it up.

Form rejection.