Dear Query Shark,
Merida must kill herself to place a curse on the sailboat Le Griffin, and all aboard her. Merida is an auburn haired beauty with a poisoned soul. She hears voices in her head and the voices tell her to kill herself to initiate the curse. Merida intuitively believes the voices are her Spirit Gods and acts on their directions.
In 1679, Cavalier de La Salle's Le Griffin became the very first Flying Dutchman above the Niagara Falls as Merida fulfills her obligation to the Spirit Gods. The curse not only sinks Le Griffin and kills all aboard; it spreads its evil intentions to all of the future ancestors of those aboard.
The curse causes deep seated unfathomable feelings of hatred in some of the children of Le Griffin. This will lead to murder and mayhem among the future children of the crew. The curse can be broken with the aid of a few benevolent Spirit Gods, but even they cannot decipher the condition for nullifying the curse placed by Merida.
In the end
One by love
One by hate
Will end the fate.
Merida is the adopted white daughter of an Indian medicine man and has learned Indian lore. Merida cursed the ship and all aboard when she was made to leave her home and was forced to return to the colonies of her birth. Merida's unbending fear of water tipped her over the edge and into psychosis when she was confronted with a long sailing trip back east.
Lt. Proto, a French explorer with La Salle, and Wasaga, an Indian interpreter, found themselves on Le Griffin trying to prevent Merida from fulfilling the curse. The two men were caught up in the curse when Wasaga was thrown overboard to his death and Lt Proto was killed by Merida just before her suicide.
In 1679 La Salle, the builder of Le Griffin watched as she sailed away from Le Gran Bay in Lake Michigan to complete her maiden voyage. In the age of sail an overdue ship was cause for concern and speculation. Speculation is rife with stories of good and bad intentions. This multigenerational tale starts with Le Griffin and ends with the most well known sinking of a ship on the Great Lakes in the latter half of the twentieth century.
The future generations of the crew of Le Griffin have strikingly similar names, odd quirks and descriptions to those people lost in 1679. This was done to maintain the continuity of the main characters as they progress through the centuries. The ancestors of Le Griffin wind their lives through the War of 1812, the Civil War, the Mormon King of Beaver Island, sinking ships and shipwrecks on inhospitable shores. Eventually they fulfill the requirements of the curse and end it nearly three hundred years later.
THE LADY OF THE LAKE is 250,000 words long and is historical fiction. Thank you for your time and consideration.
thud.
Sincerely,
P.S. I have read the rules and I know this part does not belong in a query. I have read the vast majority of your query critiques and I have found them very enlightening. Up to a week ago I had never heard of a query as it relates to seeking an agent. I am positive I would have made all of the typical mistakes plus a few new ones. So thank you for your help. I have also realized in reading the queries that the genre and length of my work does not seem to fit into the literary mode your agency typically represents. I will value any help you can give me in honing my skills. I hope my query will be a good teaching tool if you chose to critique it. I'm thickening up my skin as I write and I promise not to call or stop by...ever.
That PS made me laugh. It also made me choose this letter.
You know this is a mess, but you're willing to learn. That's good.
First, 250,000 words is just too long.
It has to be cut in half. Even epic fantasy novels from debut authors can't be more than about 125,000 words these days.
So, first thing: chop.
Then start with: who is the heroine? What choice does she face? What are the consequences of that choice? Write that in 250 or fewer words. You don't need the entire plot. You need to compel me to read the first five pages. That's ALL you have to do in the query.
Form rejection (but you knew that)
Start again.
Monday, August 10, 2009
#126
Dear Query Shark:
Fanfare for the Common Woman is a 90,000 word work of women’s fiction that revolves around the emotional development of Cris Pereira. She is a twenty-something Latina with a recent history of heartbreak: her first love confessed to cheating on her months after their engagement, and her father succumbed to cancer only a few weeks later. These events have made Cris quietly bitter and openly jaded about love and the possibility of finding happiness. Because she is an inherently strong woman with a low tolerance for pity, she hides her pain behind her sunny smile and acerbic wit. In private, she suffers recurring nightmares centered on her fear of being alone.
And why should I care? This is all tell, no show. Show us what Cris is like. This reads like an intake report of some kind. There's no voice, no spark here.
This is where I'd stop reading in a query letter.
One ordinary Sunday, she volunteers to take her cousins to a celebrity autograph signing. While there, she inadvertently attracts the attention of the young actor Tom Abramson. He is drawn to her unique sense of humor and spirited independence. Intrigued by her disinterest in him, he proceeds to contact her via text messages and emails. Against her better judgment, she cannot ignore the stirrings of her long-dead heart.
Again, this is all tell, no show. We have no sense of her unique sense of humor and spirited independence. You really don't need all the psychological set up. The start of this story is when Tom meets Cris. She's not interested, hestalks woos her.
Throughout the tale, Cris is constantly challenged by those around her to excise the demons of her past and believe in the plausibility of happiness. Her closest friends, Gita and Hana, offer contrasting perspectives that add humor and heartache to Cris’ journey of self-development. Tom’s carefree spirit is repeatedly juxtaposed alongside Cris’ penchant for thoughtful deliberation. He insists that Cris needs to think less, and do more. To that effect, he organizes experiences that push her outside of her comfort zone, with a wide array of results.
This is all so general as to be boring. What do they do? What choice does Cris need to make? What risk does she take?
Will Cris finally understand what it means to be happy? Will she relinquish her tight hold on the reins and learn to live in the moment?
I am a twenty-something woman with a multicultural background and degrees in English Composition and Political Science. A great deal of the experiences in this work are taken from my own life, and I hope to convey sentiments that many women will be able to relate to and understand.
I don't care about any of that. All I care about is whether this is an interesting and compelling novel.
I came across your blog when I was searching for information on query letters, and I really appreciate both your humor and your efforts to make such a daunting process easier. You truly are filled with "salacious badassness" - in the best kind of way.
Well, ok,sucking up is never wrong artful compliments are never out of place (and thank you.)
Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you. Below is the text from the first five pages of my novel.
Sincerely,
Form rejection.
Fanfare for the Common Woman is a 90,000 word work of women’s fiction that revolves around the emotional development of Cris Pereira. She is a twenty-something Latina with a recent history of heartbreak: her first love confessed to cheating on her months after their engagement, and her father succumbed to cancer only a few weeks later. These events have made Cris quietly bitter and openly jaded about love and the possibility of finding happiness. Because she is an inherently strong woman with a low tolerance for pity, she hides her pain behind her sunny smile and acerbic wit. In private, she suffers recurring nightmares centered on her fear of being alone.
And why should I care? This is all tell, no show. Show us what Cris is like. This reads like an intake report of some kind. There's no voice, no spark here.
This is where I'd stop reading in a query letter.
One ordinary Sunday, she volunteers to take her cousins to a celebrity autograph signing. While there, she inadvertently attracts the attention of the young actor Tom Abramson. He is drawn to her unique sense of humor and spirited independence. Intrigued by her disinterest in him, he proceeds to contact her via text messages and emails. Against her better judgment, she cannot ignore the stirrings of her long-dead heart.
Again, this is all tell, no show. We have no sense of her unique sense of humor and spirited independence. You really don't need all the psychological set up. The start of this story is when Tom meets Cris. She's not interested, he
This is all so general as to be boring. What do they do? What choice does Cris need to make? What risk does she take?
Will Cris finally understand what it means to be happy? Will she relinquish her tight hold on the reins and learn to live in the moment?
I don't care about any of that. All I care about is whether this is an interesting and compelling novel.
I came across your blog when I was searching for information on query letters, and I really appreciate both your humor and your efforts to make such a daunting process easier. You truly are filled with "salacious badassness" - in the best kind of way.
Well, ok,
Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you. Below is the text from the first five pages of my novel.
Sincerely,
Form rejection.
#125
Dear Query Shark,
What would you do if your whole hometown was wiped out? Your friends, your family, everyone was killed by a homicidal maniac. The only thing you can think of doing is running from the dying community.
The problem with these kinds of rhetorical questions is that you frequently don't get the answer that you need to generate interest in the book. For example if my entire home town was wiped out, I might be damn glad because after that house fell on my sister Munchkinland just hasn't been the same.
Your best bet is to tell me what your story is about.
Or what if your birth was the ruin of your mother? You were despised and alienated for years, but were able to finally find something that resembled shelter. Years later, you are forced to fight an unknown with all you have to keep that safe haven.
Again, these questions just beg for sarcastic answers (we're a tough crowd here in Queryville).
And the "you" second person is hardly ever the most compelling choice. So far, I don't know anything about what YOUr book is about.
In both scenarios, you have two real options. You can either curl up and die, or you can do what you can to survive. And having the ability to manipulate part of nature won't help you either. If you choose to live as either person, it won't be easy alone. You're going to need at least one miracle. Like, say, meeting the other person.
I'd stop reading here. I don't have a clue what the book is about. You're awash in generalities.
Fredrick Brown and Kathena Sahaara are lucky enough to get that miracle. They meet and soon after join forces. For Kathena, it's a chance to start over with someone who has the magical power to not be afraid of her and the ignorance to take her on. For Fredrick, it's his only opportunity to begin to understand the world his father came from and meet someone from outside that understands.
This is the closest you've come to telling me about the book. Remember the formula: Who is the hero/heroine? What choice does s/he face? What are the consequences of that choice/not making the choice. That's what your first paragraph should cover.
At first, it seems that they have found the answers to their problems in each other, but that maniac who destroyed Kathena's home has decided that he is eventually going to finish the job and throw in her new friend as a bonus.
Maniacs are boring. They're one dimensional and irrational. If you want scary, tell us why the villain is making this choice (remember, the villain thinks HE'S the hero of the story)
Fredrick and Kathena will have a few years to prepare before the attack and both have a knack for holding onto life. However, they are matched against a man who has destroyed their kind for ages.
It's a long shot, but they just might make it.
The rest of the story is in my book, Red Moon. It's about 100,000 words long and falls into the category of urban fantasy. You can contact me by replying to this e-mail, calling me at (redacted), or sending snail mail to (redacted) Thank you for your time and consideration.
Just list your contact info under your name. It's good to include it. Leave out "the rest of the story" because it's pretty obvious that's where the rest of the story is.
This is a form rejection.
What would you do if your whole hometown was wiped out? Your friends, your family, everyone was killed by a homicidal maniac. The only thing you can think of doing is running from the dying community.
The problem with these kinds of rhetorical questions is that you frequently don't get the answer that you need to generate interest in the book. For example if my entire home town was wiped out, I might be damn glad because after that house fell on my sister Munchkinland just hasn't been the same.
Your best bet is to tell me what your story is about.
Or what if your birth was the ruin of your mother? You were despised and alienated for years, but were able to finally find something that resembled shelter. Years later, you are forced to fight an unknown with all you have to keep that safe haven.
Again, these questions just beg for sarcastic answers (we're a tough crowd here in Queryville).
And the "you" second person is hardly ever the most compelling choice. So far, I don't know anything about what YOUr book is about.
In both scenarios, you have two real options. You can either curl up and die, or you can do what you can to survive. And having the ability to manipulate part of nature won't help you either. If you choose to live as either person, it won't be easy alone. You're going to need at least one miracle. Like, say, meeting the other person.
I'd stop reading here. I don't have a clue what the book is about. You're awash in generalities.
Fredrick Brown and Kathena Sahaara are lucky enough to get that miracle. They meet and soon after join forces. For Kathena, it's a chance to start over with someone who has the magical power to not be afraid of her and the ignorance to take her on. For Fredrick, it's his only opportunity to begin to understand the world his father came from and meet someone from outside that understands.
This is the closest you've come to telling me about the book. Remember the formula: Who is the hero/heroine? What choice does s/he face? What are the consequences of that choice/not making the choice. That's what your first paragraph should cover.
At first, it seems that they have found the answers to their problems in each other, but that maniac who destroyed Kathena's home has decided that he is eventually going to finish the job and throw in her new friend as a bonus.
Maniacs are boring. They're one dimensional and irrational. If you want scary, tell us why the villain is making this choice (remember, the villain thinks HE'S the hero of the story)
Fredrick and Kathena will have a few years to prepare before the attack and both have a knack for holding onto life. However, they are matched against a man who has destroyed their kind for ages.
It's a long shot, but they just might make it.
Just list your contact info under your name. It's good to include it. Leave out "the rest of the story" because it's pretty obvious that's where the rest of the story is.
This is a form rejection.
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