well, no, it's not the formula of light. C in the equation is the speed of light. E = MC², E = mc², demonstrates that energy always exhibits mass in whatever form the energy takes. A simple Google search turns that up.
The problem here is that if you want to use this as a metaphor, you have to start with something that isn't just plain wrong. Metaphors are "wrong" but illuminating. Calling an agent a shark for example, does not mean you'd wax enthusiastic about swimming as a necessary skill for reading queries.
But holding an answer in your hands is nothing if you don't take action.
So she decides to try out the formula by applying it to organize her life and the business. As she starts to see this in action, she wonders what other things around her had she not noticed before that might also be trying to say something to humankind?
Now you've lost me. These is a generalization. It's also going in the wrong direction. The line above says "is nothing if you don't take action." The logical sequence then is to tell us what action she takes, not veer off into what she sees in action, or wondering about other things.
Sentences in queries should flow in a logical order.
Light is everywhere, all around us day and night. How could we have missed this one humongous clue? This is the manual to life, the simple answer to happiness that we have been wanting forever. And it has been with us all along. All we have to do is apply its formula:
Who the hell is "we" There is no "we" in querying, much like there is no crying in baseball. By this I mean, you're slipping disastrously out of third person and into first person here. This kind of slip is a huge red flag in a query.
And worse, you're now out of the realm of specific action entirely, and into some absurd conclusion that sounds like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. If I hadn't stopped reading before, here is where I really click my ruby slippers and head home.
Her sci-fi daydreams take on a whole, new meaning like this, leading her to find her own dream, that cause for living that she has been longing for. Meanwhile, her best friend and business partner, Tessa, lays comatose in a hospital bed. If only she too could begin to see, really see things under this light.
"like this" requires an example to be logical. No one "lays" in a hospital bed unless they are a poem. It's "lies."
In its current form, Be a Cupcake. Save the World. is a 35,000-word, easy-to-follow guide to happiness that will electrify and empower young adults.
what? WHAT? In its current form? Does it shapeshift? No NO NO! You query only for FINISHED novels. Never ever use that phrase in a query letter.
And this is a novel right? Cause "35,000 word easy-to-follow guide to happiness" and "electrify and empower" are NOT the description of a novel. You'd find that in the self-help section. Making your novel sound like a self-help book is a very very bad thing.
Thank you for your time and consideration of Be a Cupcake. Save the World. for your list!
The only thing I like about this query is the title, and I like that a lot. However, you're punctuating it incorrectly. It's BE A CUPCAKE, SAVE THE WORLD and when you use it in a sentence as I did here, you'll notice there's no period.
This has failed to rise in the convection oven of the slush pile. In fact, you need a new recipe.
The only thing I know about Sarah after reading this query is that she runs a cupcake business. And I don't know anything about what happens in the book. That's absolutely fatal in a query.
Start over. Use the recipe you'll find listed in the QueryShark archives more than once. That's the flour, sugar, baking soda and salt. Make it your own by adding lemon, cinnamon, nutmeg and raisins to taste.
