#217

Dear QueryShark:

Andromeda Jaunsten doesn't know what to expect from the Academy. She doesn't know her roommate will hate her, her best friend will fall for a girl she can't stand, her teachers will be able to -literally- see right through her, or that her future will hold at least three near-death experiences (only one of which is an accident). She just found out she's an alien, and apparently, she's not the only one.

The most interesting sentence in the paragraph is the last one; you've buried it under a list of things that aren't very interesting (because we don't have the context of the last sentence.)

The problem is, she's not a good enough alien.

Aha! Here's the sentence that helps us figure out context. If start with something like Andromeda Jaunsten is not a good enough alien and ditch the list and get on with the problem, you're better off.  (it's also a bit clunky: Andromeda Jaunsten isn't a very good alien sounds better.  Developing an ear for rhythm is REALLY important.)

She can’t read minds like the rest of her class. She can’t turn invisible or move things with pure will power. She can’t even levitate, which is supposed to be downright easy. All she’s ever been able to do is sense the emotions of those around her, and that's not impressing anyone.



Andromeda soon faces expulsion, and if she doesn't drastically improve in the mind-reading department, she will be sent home without friends, without a proper education and without the chance to find out who is trying to kill her roommate Grace Robin (with such bad aim she's caught in the cross-fire, nonetheless).

And then you trail off here into nothingness. Expulsion isn't very high stakes. Finding out who wants to kill her roommate is better, but still not very much.

Your plot needs some work here. Also, who's the antagonist?

STARS is my debut. It is a 124,000 words YA novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Right now you don't have enough to entice me to read pages. You're on the right track but you need more plot. This feels very thin for 124K novel. 

#215

Dear Query Shark:

Marines don't spook easy. Abe Tyson, returning home from the horror of the desert, is searching for a home to call his own. He finds the perfect house--a quaint fixer-upper in the historic South Side of Pittsburgh. Quiet, safe--and best of all: cheap.

Resist resist resist! Marines don't spook easy is so obvious it's like saying humans breathe air. The opposite might be interesting "Marines spook easy" but what you've got here is a yawn.

Start with Abe. He's your main guy.

But in this America, as Abe soon learns, there are no free lunches. The previous owner of 133 Ophelia Street, a hoarder named Esmeralda Dervish, won't give up her house without a fight--never mind that she's dead. Abe isn't about to let a silly ghost scare him. He's faced worse demons in Iraq, and has the scars to prove it.

Again with the non-essential sentence. Resist! 

Also: Dervish?

The juxtaposition of silly ghost and worse demons is jarring.  Silly ghosts don't scare anyone.  Demons from war would.  This kind of writing makes me wary.

Yes, and what about those scars? He can't seem to remember how he acquired the one above his ear, or why he's unable to feel physical pain. Convinced that he's suffering from the effects of PTSD, his friends try desperately to persuade Abe to sell the house. But Abe won't listen. Real estate is a risk, and as any gambler knows, the house always wins.

And here's where you fall in the soup: He can't seem to remember--the he is Abe, and we're in his head. Then the next sentence: Convinced that he's suffering, we move to the head of his friends. This is jarring. It's a HUGE RED FLAG for writing that won't be quite good enough for publication.

Simply by changing the order of the sentence -- His friends, convinced he's suffering from PTSD, try desperately to persuade Abe to sell the house  -- will help.

And the best sentence in the query: the house always wins. This is gorgeous because it does exactly what "Marines don't spook" doesn't: it turns a cliche on its ear. THIS is exactly the kind of thing I look for in queries: it's enticing.

What the house doesn't know is that Abe's girlfriend, a punk-rock stripper named Alice, has been snooping around for clues to the old woman's death--if she ever died at all. First the house was content to consume Abe with its dark mystery; now it wants Alice, too.

Is there any possible chance you can have the main female character NOT be a stripper? I can't tell you how sick I am of seeing that. It's utterly lame and unless it's an absolutely key part of the story (which it doesn't seem to be) make her a damn geologist.

And truthfully, almost any query where the main female character is a stripper gets a pass from me.  It's shorthand for "women are one dimensional in my world."

But Alice has a secret of her own: she isn't a stranger to bloodshed. When a grisly crime makes Abe the target of a local murder investigation, Alice declares war on the house. Now Alice knows that if she walks away she may never be able to prove Abe's innocence. But if she stays she might become his next victim...

 I'm not sure Abe is the main character. Alice sounds pretty much like she's carrying the plot.  She's the one who has to make choices, and for whom the stakes seem largest.  She's also a lot more interesting.

THE GOOD HOUSE (90,000 words) is a commercial thriller with a paranormal bent. Recently my short fiction has appeared in the (several good places redacted here.) My work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize.

Go easy on the nominations for stuff. Unless you're short listed or a finalist it doesn't mean much. Nominated for a Pushcart means you've had your work sent in by an editor. It's nice, but it's not noteworthy.

Also, this doesn't look anything like a thriller to me. No stakes beyond the personal, no ticking clock. This looks like a suspense novel with paranormal elements. 

And what happened to Esmerelda? She's mentioned in the second paragraph in a way that makes me think she's the antagonist. Then she disappears, and it looks like the house itself is the antagonist.  

This is a problem.

Chapters and a synopsis are available at your request.  of course they are.  So are kidneys, first born sons, and bottles of whisky.  It goes without saying. Thus, you don't need to include it.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(name)
(address)
(twitter name)

Excellent to include your twitter handle in queries. Just make sure you're not posting pictures of your research into Alice's professional life.

This is the kind of query that gets a form rejection. There are some good things here, but there are enough problems with the writing that I wouldn't read more.  It's not bad, but it's not good enough.

Revise. Resend.