Sunday, June 8, 2008


After Ellie’s fiancé dumps her on Valentine’s Day, she finds herself deep in debt, deep in doubt and deep in despair.

Determined to pay off her loans and avoid romantic distractions, Ellie vows to live in poverty and celibacy until her life is back on track. While trying to wrangle a full-time job at her bank, she mops floors and rents a cheap room in a decrepit boarding house with a group of eccentrics.

Then things get weird.

Her house-mates form a punk band called ‘Anal Leakage’. They purloin Ellie’s angst-filled poems about her ex-fiancé, turn them into lyrics and upload the songs to the Web.

Around town, terrible rumours begin circulate about Ellie as she fights to regain control of her destiny. Unaware of her growing online popularity as Anal Leakage’s mysterious lyricist, Ellie puzzles over the nature of love, her purpose in life and the obsessed Japanese fan on her doorstep.

Right here is where I say "huh?" We've got her as the unknowing muse, but how does that segue into "terrible rumors" and "fight to regain control of her destiny". Surely she'll just consult a copyright lawyer and sue for a lifetime supply of CDs while waiting for an endorsement deal from Depends? And honestly doesn't every one have a deranged fan on their doorstep these days? Oh wait..just me?? Hmm.

She endures a year of lost love, lost friendship, public humiliations, vendettas, misunderstandings, vile rumours, lawsuits, and conspiracies until she finds love and direction once more, and a bit of sweet revenge.

Who's the antagonist? What are the stakes? I know this is a humorous romance, but you still need those things.

I have been previously published in Spinetingler Magazine and Storyteller Magazine. (Credit list available)

Mental Notes is a humorous romance, complete at 75,000 words. I would like to submit my novel for your consideration.

I'm profoundly grateful you did not name the novel for the band.


Anonymous said...

I listen to punk music all the time. Still, "Anal Leakage" is going really, really low for punk... if it was some horrible genre known for its nasty names, like "grindcore", I could understand. But, I'll tell myself it's just a book after all. Just a book.

Unknown said...

If I read that band name on the back of a book, there's NO way I'd read it, even if it was recommended WOM.

Amie Stuart said...

Ok I have to say this totally made me laugh. Yeah, maybe it needs some work but I can totally see the possibilities here! said...

" . . . she finds herself deep in debt, deep in doubt and deep in despair."

Unless you feel the need to pad your word count a little, wouldn't "deep in debt, doubt, and despair," work just as well?

I have nothing to say about the name of the band. I want to call one of my characters Bubba. :-) (Mine was #24)

Chris Eldin said...

Stop anal leakage before it stops you.

Okay, I thought this sounded funny. Except for the leakage. Ew.

Lehcarjt said...

I enjoyed this query. It was fun, and makes me think the book would be too. However, I don't see it as an effective sell for the book because I don't have a good idea of what the story is about.

The description seems kind of chick lit, but the author describes it as a romance. If it is a romance, shouldn't that make up a big part of the plot? How does the hero fit in with anal leakage? (Cracking myself up here... Although probably not anyone else. I'm going to be repeating that all day. Anal Leakage... Anal Leakage...)

Anonymous said...

Haha, the plot synopsis made me laugh -- I might read this. I think it lost me, however, when you got to the paragraph starting "She endures a year of lost love..." She endures a year of that? Why? Maybe something like "No man will date and her friends don't have time for her anymore. A local supermarket wants to sue her for rearranging their vegetables into alphabetical order. Ellie finds the strength to fall in love and fight the rumours that are blighting her life."

Except not like that, because that's awful. That kind of thing, though -- say what happens rather than listing and bring the romance to the foreground. Loved the start though -- I got what you were saying and it was funny!

Daisy Bateman said...

Maybe not a perfect query letter, but I do like the idea of the heroine choosing a year of poverty and celibacy to get her life back on track. Definitely a change from the usual chick-lit tropes. (And I thought the band name was funny. But then, in terms of psychological development, I am about twelve years old.)

Anonymous said...

I think this one is a joke.

JS said...

There actually are bands named "Anal Seepage," "Anal Leakage," and "Bloody Anal Leakage of Sylmar" already.

See under: fiction, truth stranger than