#51-revisions

Dear Ms. Query Shark,

One woman, eight centuries, one spell binds them together.

I hear the theme music from Lord of the Rings here. You have to be really careful about phrases that do that. "where no man has gone before; I am your father; pernicious cranium sucking zombie...oh wait, that's just the last IM I got from a disgruntled querier, never mind)

Mallory O’Malley thought she had life figured out. Sure, her fiancé had broken their engagement a year ago, but she’d gotten over him, didn’t hate her job, and had a best friend who thought she could read palms, so life was good. Right?

Not so much. Everything changes when Mallory travels to Ireland for a second reading of her grandmother’s will and finds she’s inherited a run down castle, believed by the town to be haunted. Not a problem since there’s already a buyer interested. But there’s just one catch. She must live in the gatehouse for six months or she’ll lose it all.

At this point you've lost me cause of the cliches. You'll do MUCH better to bring Trevor Riley up sooner. That's where it gets interesting. And it's also the main plot.

Sounds easy enough, until the DVD the solicitor gives her from her dead grandmother begins to play by itself. Her Grams is not only asking her questions, but waiting for a response. She tells Mallory about a blood spell her ancestors are stuck in and she’s the last in the line that can break it, only she can’t give her any clues on how to do so..

Waking up in the middle of the night to find she’s standing outside the castle complete with fog wrapping around her, much like a boa constrictor, and an unknown voice telling her she’s going to die, wasn’t exactly what she had in mind either. But you might say it was the words GO HOME, etched into the damp mirror after her shower, that really made her question her sanity.
And what’s a girl supposed to do when she finds out the man who broke off their engagement is actually hundreds of years old—800 to be exact. If you’re Mallory O’Malley you decide to stay and break the spell. Besides, Karma can be a bitch sometimes.

Insert Mr. Trevor Riley, acquisition expert for Thad International Reality, who seals deals, big deals, not caring who he hurts along the way. His motto, wine them, dine them, gain their trust, and just don’t get emotionally involved.. And Trevor thinks he’s just the man to schmooze the owner into selling her estate until he walks into the solicitor’s office finds she’s the beautiful redhead he’d stolen a taxi from on his way back to Ireland. A woman who’s none to happy to see him.



As strange occurrences continue to happen, Mallory will have to decide if she wants to stay and claim what’s hers, or leave the place to the evil inhabitant, dooming the castle and its past to the blood spell. And Trevor Riley is caught between protecting a woman he hardly knows from the very place he wants to buy, or leaving her on her own, making the deal of the century.

I’d like to submit for your consideration my paranormal manuscript, After Thoughts and Before, which is completed at 110, 000 words.


I’m currently writing the next stand alone novel, After Thoughts of Darkness, in which the characters multi cross from this manuscript. I’ve written back cover story blurbs for puzzles which are sold in Barnes and Noble. I’m the acting president of Tampa Area Romance Writers and a member of RWA.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,


You don't need to describe all the set up. Pare down to the interesting parts. I'm always in favor of leaving out the part about the next book but that's just me.

And how fast can you do the NYT crossword puzzle? (insert sound of competitive cackle here)
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#51 - Revision

Dear Query Shark,

Mallory O’Malley, apprentice at Passion Soule Art Gallery, thought she had life figured out. She had a job she liked, friends, and in general life was good.

Everything changes when she travels to Ireland for a second reading of her grandmother’s will and finds she’s inherited a run down castle, believed by the town to be haunted. Not a problem since there’s already a buyer interested. But there’s just one catch. She must live in the gatehouse for six months or she’ll lose it all.

"Must live in haunted house under terms of the will" is a very very overused device. Yawn. And there's a failure of logic too. So what if she loses it all? Before she goes to Ireland she didn't even know she'd inherit. She doesn't want it or need it, so let the city have it.

Insert Mr. Trevor Riley, acquisition expert for Thad International Reality, who seals deals, big deals, not caring who he hurts along the way. His motto, wine them, dine them, gain their trust, and just don’t get emotionally involved. And Trevor thinks he’s just the man to schmooze the owner into selling her estate until he walks into the solicitor’s office finds she’s the beautiful redhead he’d stolen a taxi from on his way back to Ireland. A woman who’s none to happy to see him.

He took a taxi back from Ireland? Wow. Again, you've used cliches. The big bad businessman is boring.

Someone or something doesn’t want her there and will do whatever necessary to get rid of her. Even death. As strange occurrences continue to happen, Mallory will have to decide if she wants to stay and claim what’s hers, or leave the place to the evil inhabitant, dooming the castle and its past to the blood spell. And Trevor Riley is caught between protecting a woman he hardly knows from the very place he wants to buy, or leaving her on her own, making the deal of the century.

Greed will get you every time. There's a reason it's one of the seven deadly sins. You're missing any compelling reason for Mallory to undertake this, starting with the fact she likes her life as it is.

I’d like to submit for your consideration my paranormal manuscript, After Thoughts and Before, which is completed at 110, 000 words.

I’m the acting president of Tampa Area Romance Writers and a member of RWA.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,

I don't think the problem is the query letter. I think the problem is the novel.