Sunday, January 18, 2009


Dear Query Shark:

Who is eviscerating men in small town Louisiana? FBI agent Trey Fontaine returns to Raven Bayou as a handler for an undercover agent. It’s the only job they’ll let him have until that gunshot wound in his butt heals. He should never have started with the pain pills. Again. He’s hooked, using them to soothe the emotional pains of his complicated life. In the meantime, men are being butchered and Trey must remain ‘hands off’.

You've got a real uneven match here between the tone (zesty and breezy) and the subject (men being butchered and eviscerated)

His hero and godfather, a homicide cop who grieves the death of his wife while the drunk driver stands trial, has a new partner:
Gemini Taylor.. Trey loved her when he was twelve and now… now she’s determined to solve the murder of her father, a crime for which her mother was convicted. A crime that left Gemini scarred. Trey’s godfather was the cop in charge of that case and now Gemini is his partner. Recent killings—with the same MO as the case of Gemini’s father—will require the three of them to work as a team.

What the heck?? I'm totally lost here. You've got too much going on. What's the main story? Trey needs to solve a problem or what? Focus.

You've got Trey, his godfather, his godfather's wife, Gemini Taylor, her father, her mother all mentioned in the first two paragraphs. That's four people too many.

Mordant Schism is a completed 115k word psychological suspense with a theme daring you to think you really know anyone--even yourself.

I’m a member of RWA and Sisters-in-Crime. I have attended many conferences and taken online classes, as well as being a member of a critique group with published authors. I’ve written several newspaper and magazine articles. I have an A.A. degree in Sociology and an A.S. degree in Administration of Justice--Police Science. I worked in uniform at the Sheriff’s Department. I am now retired and use my time writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Please feel free to contact me at your convenience.

There's nothing distinctive about this yet, and it's confusing.

Form rejection.


Lehcarjt said...

Along with having too many characters and plot lines, I'd add that there are too many dead people. Each character seems to be working to overcome a tragic death in their life. It is too much for me.

Unless all those deaths are related, and it seems a bit of a coincidence that they would be.

Marian Perera said...

The title is a bit off-putting as well. "Mordant Schism" doesn't sound to me like a psychological suspense with men being eviscerated - it sounds like more like shady politics in the Catholic Church.

About Me said...

Author, try to focus more on the main character, and how the story unfolds as it relates to him.

dmciii said...

It sounds like you have an interesting series of interrelated crimes. At least I hope they are somehow tied together. Im just not sure whether Trey someone else is the focus or its a partnership. I was doing the same thing on my query (6 characters two paragraphs) It makes it hard to pick the plot out of the many exciting conflicts you have going on