#192-FTW

Dear QueryShark:


One week ago, Claire's cousin Dinah slit her wrists.

Five days ago, Claire found Dinah's diary and discovered why.

Three days ago, Claire stopped crying and came up with a plan.

Two days ago, she ditched her piercings and bleached the black dye from her hair.

Yesterday, knee socks and uniform plaid became a predator's camouflage.

Today, she'll find the boy who broke Dinah.

By tomorrow, he'll wish he was dead.

Premeditated is a 60,000 word contemporary YA novel. Chapters or a synopsis are available on request.

oh hell yes.  Send pages, send the entire manuscript NOW.

Here's why this breaks all the rules and still works:  

It's got menace in the very rhythm of the writing. It's short and not-sweet.  We know who the main characters are because she SHOWED us, not TOLD us.

And by god, there's nothing better than revenge for the New Year.

Yes, this breaks all the rules I've been yapping about, except the one that really counts: it entices me to read on.

Now, how the hell do you know if you've got something that breaks the rules but works?  First, you write something that doesn't break ANY of the rules.  You write a query that shows, doesn't tell. That's concise, and conveys what the book is about.

In other words, you write to the form of a query letter before you write something that ISN'T to form.

And you pay attention to rhythm.  More than anything else stylistically, it's that rhythm of good writing that's toughest to teach and learn.  When I'm editing manuscripts, I say the sentences out loud a lot. Hearing them helps me see where there are extra words, or too many beats, or misplaced beats.  It's very very slow editing when you are down to moving syllables in sentences, but it's what makes the difference between gorgeous writing and so-so sentences.

#191-revised 3x for the Win

Dear QueryShark:

Sixteen year old Hope's life went off the rails last year, when a stupid freakin' earthquake took away her awesome mom. Not even a butt-load of pills could numb that pain.


In rehab, she accepts a surprise invitation to spend the summer with her aunt in the Scottish Highlands. When Hope discovers a secret room full of elaborate costumes and a five-hundred year old painting of her mother’s face, she’s sure all the residents of the huge house are bat’s-ass crazy. The truth will test her new sobriety and give her a chance to redeem herself. Her mom isn’t dead. She is trapped in the year 1543. Hope steps into her mother's shoes, and joins the new generation of Viators—time travelers—as they prepare for the longest road trip ever.


The only normal piece of her freak-a-zoid life is the time she spends with local Alex Cameron. But, when Alex appears at Henry VIII’s Hampton Court, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is one of the criminal Timeslippers. Hope’s mom kept them from stealing a book so powerful; (take out the semi colon) its owner can reshape history.

Now, Alex is back to finish the job, and it's up to Hope to stop him. He's also ordered to make sure Hope and her mom never return. Hope swore she would risk anything to rescue her mom, and she’ll be damned if some lying douche is going to get in her way. She'll do whatever it takes, even if it means getting left behind.


A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly will like this book. I am a member of the Historical Novel Society and the RWA.

Thank you so much for your time.

Well dear readers, I think she's got it.  

The voice is very forceful; that appeals to me.  I also like that we've got a sense of the stakes and a sense of the choice Hope has to make.

Before you send your queries out, make SURE you have an eagle eyed copy editor look this over. You've got an errant semi-colon in this version, a misplaced comma in another.  These aren't the difference between yes and no, but you want to make sure your work is as polished as you can make it.

This works. I'd request pages.

----------------------
Dear Query Shark,


Sixteen year old Hope's life went off the rails last year, when a stupid freakin' earthquake took away her awesome mom. Not even a butt-load of pills could numb that pain.

In rehab, she accepts a surprise invitation to spend the summer with her aunt in the Scottish Highlands. When There she discovers a secret room full of elaborate costumes and a four-hundred year old painting of her mother's face, she demands answers. But, the truth might be more than her new sobriety can take. Her mom isn't dead. She's trapped in the past--in the year 1543.(2) If Hope is strong enough, she can take up the family tradition and begin training with the other new Viators--time travelers--as they prepare for the longest road trip ever.

"strong enough" doesn't tell me much. Is she undergoing GIJane pt routine? Is it emotional strength? What does Hope need to do to get ready? And if this really isn't an important part of the story, don't mention it at the start of a sentence. Just start with She can take up the family tradition


The only bit of normalcy in her life is her budding relationship with local, Alex Cameron. But when Alex appears at Henry VIII's Hampton court, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is one of the criminal Timeslippers, on a mission to steal a book so powerful, its owner can reshape history. She must rescue her mom and keep the book out of the Timeslipper's hands, even if it means Hope will never return.

no comma before Alex Cameron.

"budding relationship" is a phrase I'm confident no teen girl would use to describe herself or how she feels about a boy.

You've also used the second paragraph (2) to ask if Hope is strong enough to become a time traveller. In the third paragraph it sounds like not only is she, she's off at the court of H8. You're wasting time and words setting up a problem that isn't a key part of the book.

Focus on the first choice that Hope has to make. If her first choice is to rescue her mom, I said those weren't very high stakes on the first go round. However, it's clear something went VERY wrong if her mom is stuck in 1543. What does Hope bring to the problem that will solve it?

It's like you don't send someone down into a mine to rescue people without sending a rope and shovels with them. Otherwise you just have more stuck miners. What tools/skill does Hope have that will help her Mom? And if they don't work is she willing to be stuck there in 1543 with her?


A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly would relate to this work.

I can relate to a lot of things I don't like. Vegemite, shark-fin soup, reserves against returns.


Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly are the audience for this book.
or
Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly will like this book.

I am a member and district leader of the Historical Novel Society and the RWA.

Thank you so much for your time.

This isn't bad, and I know the comment column is clamoring to read this, but a query letter has to show me that you can write so well and so crisply that I will want to read this book more than once.

This query doesn't do that yet, but it's getting better.

Revise, let it sit for a while, revise again, then resend.

Make SURE the book itself is getting the same kind of polish you're doing here.

--------------

Dear Query Shark,

Sixteen year old Hope’s life went off the rails last year. All because when a stupid freakin' earthquake took away her awesome mom. There wasn't even a body to bury.


Have I yapped enough about rhythm in sentences? Probably not. Say the first version out loud. Then the revised version. Which sounds better?


Word choice is mostly about the right word, but the final polish is always the right word in the right place. "All because" and "when" mean about the same thing in the context of this paragraph, but one is better than the other because of how it sounds. When writers talk about reading their work aloud, this is the kind of thing they are listening for.

She soon discovered that all the pills in the world couldn't numb the pain, though she gave it her best shot.


Pare away everything you don't need.


In rehab, she accepts a surprise invitation to spend the summer with her aunt in Scotland, who needs her help on a project. Hope doesn't care if it's shoveling sheep crap as long as it gets her out of facing the mess she left back home.


She goes to Scotland with her aunt is about all you really need to say: we intuit that she'd want to get away, and with her mom dead, a relative would step in. Trust your reader to make the logical connections.


What she learns at her aunt’s old house in the Highlands is weirder than any drug-induced hallucination.


RESIST THAT METAPHOR. Metaphor is a powerful tool but you don't need it here. What she learns at her aunt's house is that her mom isn't dead. We get that that is weird. Simplify!

Her mom is not dead. She is trapped in the past, in the year 1543, and Hope is needed to bring her back. She joins the team of new recruits to the society of Viators, time travelelers, as they prepare for the longest road trip ever.

Why is Hope needed to bring her back? That's the key piece of information you're missing here.

Faced with a truth she never imagined and fighting off the old cravings, she treasures the only bit of normalcy in her life. Her budding relationship with a local boy, Alex Cameron. When Alex appears in renaissance England, Hope realizes she's been played. Alex is a member of the criminal Timeslippers. He’s ordered to steal the powerful Libri Atlantius and kill its owner, the young alchemist John Dee. He is also charged with killing anyone who gets in his way. With the book of Atlantis in the Timeslippers possession, they can shape history any way they wish. Now, Hope has to stop the Timeslippers from getting their hands on the book, save Dee, and bring her mother back home. No biggee for a recovering addict.


And here is where you go splat. You don't need all this. You've got a nice set up with rescuing her mom. And your first version had a much cleaner version of this:


The only bit of normalcy in her life is her budding relationship with a local, Alex Cameron. But, when Alex appears at the court of King Henry VIII, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is a member of the criminal "Timeslippers." And he has orders to make certain that Hope and her mother never return.


All you need is one more sentence here telling us about the stakes: keep it very simple though. "A book that allows the reader to reshape history is about to fall into the wrong hands if Hope doesn't confound Alex's nefarious schemes." Or something like that.

A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly would relate to this work. I am a member, and district leader, of the Historical Novel Society and the FWCA.

Thank you so much for your time.

A TIME FOR HOPE
Genre: Young Adult
91,000 Word count

This is better, but it's not ready yet.

Polish, revise.

------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Sixteen year old Hope Walton didn't really want to become a time traveler, but apparently it's a family tradition.


Here's the trouble with log lines: they undercut any kind of buildup to a punch line-they destroy tension and suspense. Consider how much more a reveal it is if that log line appears AFTER these next paragraphs.

Her life went off the rails when she learned her mom was killed in a foreign earthquake. All the pills in the world couldn't numb that pain. When her aunt visits her rehab center and asks for help on a project, Hope assumes she means scrapbooking or maybe knitting.

She was wrong.

Now she has the chance to redeem herself. She can rescue her mother, then begin to pull her life back together. All Hope has to do is travel to the year 1543 and bring her mom home. No biggee.



Here's the revised layout:

Sixteen year old Hope Walton's life went off the rails when she learned was told her mom was killed in a foreign earthquake. All the pills in the world couldn't numb that pain. When her aunt visits her rehab center and asks for help on a project, Hope assumes she means scrapbooking or maybe knitting. She was wrong.

Hope Walton doesn't really want to become a time traveler, but apparently it's a family tradition. And her mom isn't dead, just trapped in 1543.

At her aunt's manor in the Scottish Highlands, Hope learns about her strange heritage. She is joined by joins a team of new recruits as they prepare for the longest road trip ever. The only bit of normalcy in her life is her budding relationship with a local, Alex Cameron. But, when Alex appears at the court of King Henry VIII, Hope realizes she was played. Alex is a member of the criminal "Timeslippers." And he has orders to make certain that Hope and her mother never return.

A TIME FOR HOPE is my debut Young Adult novel, complete at 91,000 words. Fans of REVOLUTION by Jennifer Donnelly would relate to this work. I am a member, and district leader, of the Historical Novel Society and the FWCA. I am also under the tutelage of the Young Adult novelist, (redacted).

I'm not sure what under the tutelage means, but leave it out. Your bio is for publication credits and groups you belong to that are relevant. Your teachers, your school, your tutelors--not relevant.

Thank you so much for your time. It is such a precious thing.


A TIME FOR HOPE
Young Adult Category
91,000 word count


Structurally this is an above-average query. However, when I see paragraphs set up with the reveal (or the punch line aka the climax) at the start of the paragraph, it undercuts my confidence in how the book is structured paragraph by paragraph. I see this a lot in otherwise good queries. You need to unfold a story in your query just like you do the book. Set up, then resolve. In other words, don't tell us she's a time traveller before you set up the situation.

And frankly, the idea that someone time travels to the court of Henry 8 is beyond over-used. You've got an opportunity to go anywhere in time, and you choose the one period that has been the subject of more television shows and movies than any other.

And the stakes are pretty pale as well: she has to rescue her mom. Ok, sure, who wouldn't want to rescue their mom, but it doesn't have much pizazz.


This isn't a bad query, but it's getting a form rejection cause it doesn't do the ONE thing a query has to do: entice me to read it.

#190-Revised 5x FOR THE WIN

Dear QueryShark,



Twenty-three-year old Scott Harris is the most wanted man in Orlando. He’s been tearing apart its wealthiest neighborhoods since turning to a reluctant life of burglary, and is about to get pinched by the city’s best detective, Andre Jones. With one last big score, Scott’s going to get out while the getting’s good. He hits the mansion of Mayor Eugene Stone, and uncovers a lethal secret that will hurt many people, including those he cares deeply about.



The mayor’s top priority isn’t budget proposals or city council meetings. Turns out, he’s using his trusted position as cover, quietly plotting in the shadows. He leads a sleeper cell outraged with what’s happening to their country. The group is ready to change things their way – and ain’t nothing in this world solved without violence.



With the heat cranked up, there’s no way Scott’s going to the cops with what he knows. He begins to use his skills as a thief to set up the mayor and crush his plans. Unfortunately for Scott, there’s bad news creeping up: Jones finds out who he is, and what’s worse – so does Mayor Stone. The mayor sets a deadly trap for the little punk, leading to a brutal showdown between Scott, Detective Jones and the sleeper cell. Outnumbered and out of time, there’s only one chance left for Scott to save his life, and hopefully his freedom – or there’s gonna be a whole lot of killing going on.



INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 109,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.




Sincerely,

By George I think he's got it!

If you'd asked me to bet cold hard cash money on whether this query would ever work, I'd have laid odds it wouldn't. You proved me wrong. Congratulations.

What I like best here is we have a MUCH clearer sense of voice now.  Read the first version. Then read this.  You'll see. 

Now, apply everything you learned here to the novel before you query. It won't do you a bit of good to have a spiffed up query unless the novel is also spiffy.

But, reward yourself before diving into those revisions, you've earned it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear QueryShark,



Picking locks, bypassing alarms, cracking safes – for Scott Harris, it’s all just part of the day after turning to a reluctant life of crime. No one would ever guess this seemingly wholesome twenty-three-year old is the person tearing apart Orlando’s wealthiest suburbs. If he were to take an aptitude test, the results would come back: disillusioned and destitute. After boosting jewels and C-notes, life is slowly turning the corner…until he slips up. Now Detective Andre Jones, Orlando’s most talented cop, will do anything to pinch the thief that’s been shaking up the city.

It takes a while sometimes to see where the story starts, but I think it starts here:

With one last big score, Scott’s going to get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Eugene Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he finds a deadly secret. The mayor’s top priority isn’t budget proposals or city council meetings. Turns out, he’s using his trusted position as cover, quietly plotting in the shadows. He leads a sleeper cell outraged with what’s happening to their country. The group is ready to change things their way – and ain’t nothing in this world solved without violence.



Scott’s conscious (this is the wrong word. You mean conscience) washes over him like the pounding surf. With so much heat around, there’s no way he’s going to the police. Before the bloodshed begins, he’ll have to depend on his skills as a thief to set up the mayor and crush his plans.



Unfortunately for Scott, there’s bad news creeping up: Detective Jones finds out who he is, and what’s worse – so has the mayor. Outnumbered and out of time, mistakes aren’t an option. He’s got one chance left to save his freedom, and hopefully his life – or there’s gonna be a whole lot of killing going on.



INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.





Sincerely,

This is better. Polish it up. Let it sit for a week, and polish it again.

--------
Dear Query Shark,


Scott Harris, a disillusioned twenty-three-year old down on his luck, turns to a reluctant life of burglary and tears apart Orlando’s wealthiest neighborhoods. Now Detective Andre Jones, the city’s most talented cop, is one step behind his every move.

This is good. It's not the most gripping opening, but it's good enough to keep me reading. Agents don't really keep score cards when reading queries. There are a couple things that will get you an instant rejection (fiction novel) but mostly we read till we know whether we want to read the pages.

Scott’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Eugene Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he moves gets to the cellar and finds a deadly secret.



With a cop hunting him, Scott knows going to the police isn’t an option. Unwilling to stand by, he decides to sabotage Stone’s plan before the bloodshed begins. Detective Jones discovers Scott’s identity - and what’s worse – so has Mayor Stone. Outnumbered…and out of time, Scott must rely on his wits to secure his freedom, and hopefully his life.



INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is much much better than the first versions.

The problem is that it's not compelling. It's not enticing. It's flat. You've set up the scene but there's no juice here, no electricity. It doesn't make the cut on "do I want to read this."

Electricty is found in word choice. Go back and look at the archives. Study the ones that were yes on the first version. Really STUDY the word choices.

Revise.

---------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

With a cop and a killer gunning for him, Scott is in way over his head. If he plays his cards just right, he could make it out with his freedom - and his life.

oh, you guys love those loglines don't you. Other than no response means no, log lines are the worst thing publishing has imported from the film industry. Honestly I think log lines don't serve a writer well. You have an entire page to work with here, don't try to condense it to a single sentence. 

This sentence doesn't actually say anything. It uses metaphors that don't apply to anything in the book (cards), introduces a character not in the query (a killer) and tries to set up tension...there's no tension in flabby sentences.

Start with the name of the main character. Describe what he wants and what's keeping him from getting it.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE concerns Scott Harris, a young man who turns to a reluctant life of burglary. He slips up one night and now has Detective Jones, Orlando’s most talented cop, hunting him like a hawk.


The pressure is all too much for Scott to handle, so he’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he moves to the cellar and finds a dangerous secret.


You don't need the first clause. He's got the cops after him; in fact he's got Orlando's most talented cop after him.  It's pretty obvious somethings gotta give.


Too scared to go to the police because of his own criminality, but unwilling to stand by, Scott decides to sabotage Stone’s plan before it’s too late; all while dodging the pursuit of Detective Jones. The Mayor eventually finds out who Scott is, and has every intention of putting an end to the little punk for good, leading to the lives of all three men colliding in a brutal showdown.

I'm not sure criminality is actually word. Even if it is, it's not a good one here.  He's scared to go to the police cause the police are after him.  That seems obvious.  You don't need to state the obvious. 

The rest of this paragraph has all the rhythm of an elephant dancing the hokey-pokey.  Polish it up.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.





Sincerely,

This is much better than the previous iterations.

You've got the right details in the right place.

Now go back and make sure every single word is right, and the sentences are honed.

This is where you start reading every sentence out loud to see if they sound right.

It takes a while to get it right at this stage. It's like moving day when you've got all the furniture on the truck, then realize all the little stuff still has to be dealt with. That stuff takes just as much time, if not more, than heaving the couch down four flights of stairs.


--------------------
Dear Query Shark,

With a cop and a killer gunning for him, Scott is in way over his head(stop), but if  If he plays his cards just right, he could make it out with his freedom, and his life.

You really should start here----->INVISIBLE EMPIRE concerns Scott Harris, a young teacher who becomes unemployed after an excruciating motocross injury leaves him  Scott bedridden, impelling his father to take on three jobs to pay the medical bills. Recovery is slow for Scott after surgery, and pain prevents him from working beyond a few hours at a minimum wage job.

Impelling is an adjective. Impel is a verb. Impelling personality. Something impels him to take on three jobs. 

Knowing his father toils all day breaks his heart, and Scott struggles to find a solution to help him. When he overhears his father being threatened with physical harm if a hefty loan isn’t paid back immediately, Scott decides he can’t watch his father suffer any longer, and believes there is only one option left. He will have to become the type of person he despises, and turns to a reluctant life of burglary.

Here's where you lose me.  I simply don't buy that a man turns from teaching to burglary. You'd do better to leave out all this set up and simply start with Scott as a burglar. 

Scott hits some houses, but also makes a few mistakes. Before long Detective Jones, Orlando’s best investigator, is in hot pursuit. Scott’s pushed his tormented body to the limit while burglarizing, and he begins to take more than his prescribed dosage of OxyContin. This brings forth hallucinations of a demon stalking him, taunting him to abuse the painkiller, and he begins to wonder if his everyday experiences are reality or some type of purgatory. It’s all too much for Scott to handle, so he’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good. 

Focus on the main plot of the book. Your query is 400+ words right now. Pare it down by focusing only on the events that move the plot forward.


Scott breaks into the home of Mayor Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he finds a deadly secret in the cellar. Stone leads a white supremacist group planning to hunt illegal immigrants and terrorize institutions they deem to be a threat to the white race. Too scared to go to the police because of his own criminality, but unwilling to stand by, Scott decides to clean up his act and try to stop the extremists himself.




Scott manages to destroy part of their remote compound deep within the OcalaMayor Stone finds out who Scott is, and has every intention of putting an end to the little punk for good, leading to the lives of all three men colliding in a brutal showdown.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Pare down all the stuff you don't need and then you'll have the bones of the query in place.  

The problem with this query though is that I don't see anything compelling.  It's all very cliche: white supremacists, lone wolf hero.  You can have a structurally sound query (well, you could, once you revise) but the book itself isn't doing much for me here.

If this is your first novel, there's a lot of merit to the advice I hear from established writers: put the first one under the bed, and write the next.

When you do that, try to twist some of the cliches into new forms.  Make the white supremacists the good guys. (Now THERE is a challenge!)

-------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Scott Harris gets the shock of a lifetime while burglarizing the Mayor’s home when he moves to the cellar and finds a tortured prostitute shackled within a catacomb of horrors, and documents entailing a vicious plot to take over the U.S. government.

And here's where I stop reading. I don't buy the premise of the novel. You get ONE item from the menu: either a tortured prostitute, OR a catacomb of horrors, OR documents entailing a vicious plot to take over the U.S. government but not all three.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a psychological thriller concerning Scott, a twenty-four-year old who crashes his motorcycle and becomes injured with a rare and brutal nerve condition. Chronic pain leads him to rely heavily on oxycontin which distorts his mind, bringing forth hallucinations of a demon stalking him, taunting him to abuse the painkiller. He wonders if his every day experiences are reality or some type of purgatory. He becomes bedridden and loses everything, including his girlfriend and job as a fourth grade teacher, impelling his father to take on three jobs to pay his bills.

This is all backstory, and has nothing to do with what you have in the first paragraph.

Scott receives surgery, but recovery is slow, inhibiting him from gaining employment. A massive wave of guilt washes over him knowing his father toils all day. He struggles with how to make money to help his father, and through an oxycontin haze, realizes he will have to become the type of person he despises. Scott develops the skills of a professional thief, and breaks into upscale homes of those who have procured their riches through unlawful ways.

"procured their riches through unlawful ways?" He only robs the home of people most likely to have heavily armed guards and the inclination to kill him if they discover him. That doesn't make sense either. Wouldn't you want to rob the people who don't have alarm systems?

My point is here is that you're making up stuff that defies credulity. Thrillers have to start from a point where the reader thinks "yes, that could happen."

As a result, Scott now has Orlando’s most dogged investigator, Detective Stone, hunting him like a voracious hawk coming in for the kill. This leads to an exhilarating game of wits as Scott continues to steal, barely escaping the relentless pursuit of Stone.

None of this has anything to do with what you said in the first paragraph. Added to the list of things I don't believe: a game of wits with an Oxycontin addict.

Scott meets a young woman and falls in love and begins to question his motivations. He convinces himself to hit one more house for a big score and breaks into the home of Eugene Miller, the Mayor of Orlando. He learns Miller is the leader of a vicious supremacist group bent on overthrowing the U.S. government in a violent uprising, but is discouraged from going to the authorities when he ascertains a few members are local police officers. Scott decides he is the only person that can sabotage their plans and sets out to stop them while simultaneously struggling to elude Stone. Miller discovers Scott’s identity and goes after him with extreme prejudice, leading to a thrilling showdown between all three men.

Finally, some linkage. 

But, you forgot the tortured prostitute and the catacomb of horrors.  You mention that in the first paragraph, then never again.

 Added to the list of things defying credulity: the protagonist deciding he's the only guy to thwart a violent uprising by white supremacists. Honest to godiva, the guy sounds like a nut job at this point.

INVISIBLE EMPIRE blends fast-paced plotting, heart-stopping action and suspense, unpredictable violence and dark humor. It will appeal to the same audience that has made bestsellers of works by Richard Matheson, Cormac McCarthy and Stephen King.

If nothing else, please please please don't compare your books to Stephen King and Cormac McCarthy yourself. Let someone else do it.

And when you tell me your book has fast-paced plotting, heart-stopping action etc, I simply don't believe you. Show me you can write that way in your query, don't tell me.

I obtained my B.S. in Film/Video from (redacted.) I currently teach writing at a public school in (redacted) I have worked in Hollywood on several film projects and hope one day to direct a major motion picture based on my manuscript.

This is NOT a selling point for an author. I want to sign clients who intend to write their fingers to the bone for many many bestselling novels and make me rich and reclusive. Telling me you have another career goal makes it easy to say "not for me." And yes, that's even if I'd liked/loved the book. There are more good books out there than I have slots on my list.

The 127,000 word manuscript is completed and ready to be sent at your request. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.


Sincerely,

This is a form rejection.

#189-revised

Dear QueryShark:

Finally, the answer to the burning question of the ages: just how did the seven Gilligan’s Island castaways end up on the Minnow together anyway? Why would a millionaire couple be taking a three-hour tour on such a boat in the first place, let alone with a farm girl, a professor, and a movie star?

The commercial fiction IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE answers these questions and more.

IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE adheres strictly to the legal definition of parody, and thus uses derivative characters under the fair use doctrine. Nevertheless, parodying our beloved seven stranded castaways might very possibly cause a stir. Are you afraid of a bit of controversy? If not, then read on…

And here's where I stop reading.  It's clear you don't understand how this works.  This isn't controversial. There's NOTHING controversial here.  What you've got here is a novel based on characters created by someone else, using their names, and their situation.  If you think it's parody and protected by fair use go ahead and publish it yourself.  

What you're asking in a query letter is if I will represent it for sale to a publisher.  And the people who decide whether it's parody and fair use is NOT the author.  It's the legal department at BigBucksPublishing.  And those guys are paid a lot of money to keep their employer out of court.

This won't pass muster with them.  I absolutely guarantee this.  The reason is that even IF this is fair use, the creators of the television show can sue you for infringement. It doesn't matter if you are right: court costs will kill you.

Your opinion doesn't matter here.

The body of Ginger Grant’s Hollywood agent, Charles Schwartz, washes up on Sand Island in Honolulu. Detectives Steve McDonald and Danny Wilson are on the case. Their investigation quickly focuses on the seven future castaways, who all have a motive to knock off Schwartz.

Movie star Ginger Grant, B-movie actress who tried sleeping her way to the top, and who is having an affair with Thurston Howell III. Did she kill her agent because he couldn’t get her A-movie roles?

Jonas Grumby, aka Skipper, and brain damaged simpleton Gilligan, gay lovers who were the last to see Schwartz alive. Schwartz was responsible for Gilligan’s head injury. Perhaps they wanted revenge?

Mrs. Howell, socialite and Nazi collaborator with her Uncle Franz Müller, pursuing the secret island Santou reputed to have guano with miraculous healing powers. Perhaps they wanted Schwartz dead for being a member of the Jewish family who runs the department store that’s the chief rival to Howell’s?

Or maybe Mr. Howell killed Schwartz to end the blackmail resulting from pictures taken of him and Grumby in a compromising encounter years before, during Howell’s “wild oats” phase?

Or perhaps Schwartz was murdered for keeping Santou a secret during World War II. So secret the Japanese and the Germans both coveted it. And it’s still secret in 1964, when our story takes place… Even though the Howells own it… And exiled Nazis from South America still want it…

McDonald and Wilson eventually finger Professor Roy Hinkley. Hinkley’s anger gets the better of his superior intellect, as he holds a grudge against Schwartz for years for depriving him of sufficient quantities of the magical guano for his scientific tests.

And then there’s the Howells’ son Thirsty, who wants his father out of the way so that he can take over the Howell oil business. He hopes Ginger can talk some sense into his father, but then Uncle Franz comes up with a better plan: maroon the elder Howell on Santou Island.

Thirsty recruits his college girlfriend Mary Ann Summers, a huge Ginger Grant fan, to talk Ginger and his father into a secret trip to an exclusive resort. Captained by Skipper Grumby and his first mate Gilligan, of course. But the conspirators’ carefully laid plans go awry when Mrs. Howell gets wind of her husband’s infidelities and joins the voyage… then Hinkley is convinced he’ll finally be able to collect his coveted guano, so he comes along… and Mary Ann doesn’t want to be left out, so she jumps on board as well…

This parallel novel is complete at 56,000 words. For more information on the novel, please see its Web page at (redacted)

I have written hundreds of nonfiction articles, white papers, and other pieces over the last twenty years, and I coauthored the books (redacted) IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE is my first novel.

I am sending you this query because buzz sells books, and Query Shark is the first step to building buzz.

This is utter horseshit.  Who do you think reads this blog? Writers looking for query help. This is the last place you'll find buzz being built.

I’m attaching the prologue and first chapter. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Don't ever attach anything unless the agent website specifically says "attach". Paste all the requested items into the body of the email.  This is a no-exceptions rule.

Form rejection.

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Dear QueryShark:

Finally, the answer to the burning question of the ages: just how did the seven Gilligan’s Island castaways end up on the Minnow together anyway? Why would a millionaire couple be taking a three-hour tour on such a boat in the first place, let alone with a farm girl, a professor, and a movie star?

And here's where I stop reading. The characters from Gilligan Island, indeed the characters in every television show are covered by copyright. You can't just use them in a book cause you want to. You need permission from the copyright owner. In the case of Gilligan's Island it's Turner Broadcasting.

Those departments have forms to fill out and among the questions they ask is Who is going to publish the book; How many copies will be printed; Where will the books be sold and so forth.

Without a publishing contract you don't know the answer to any of those questions.

However, a publisher or agent knows full well you need those permissions. To take this book on means you'd risk all the work being for nothing if permissions are denied OR they are too expensive (yes, copyright holders charge you money to use their stuff--and YOU pay it, NOT the publisher.)

So, if you have already secured permission to use the characters in your book, and you might have, that's the information you start with. If you haven't you're going to be hard pressed to find anyone who's going to keep reading.

The commercial fiction IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE answers these questions and more.

The body of Ginger Grant’s Hollywood agent, Charles Schwartz, washes up on Sand Island in Honolulu. Steve McGarrett and Dan “Danno” Williams are on the case. Their investigation quickly focuses on the seven future castaways.

Egad. Hawaii Five-O is a CURRENT television show. It's one thing to get clearance for an old show. There's no way a television company is going to let you use characters from a current show. They've simply got too much money at stake. They get no benefit from letting you do it, and run the risk of you damaging their (intellectual) property.

Movie star Ginger Grant, B-movie actress who tried sleeping her way to the top, and who is having an affair with Thurston Howell III. Did she kill her agent because he couldn’t get her A-movie roles?

Jonas Grumby, aka Skipper, and brain damaged simpleton Gilligan, gay lovers who were the last to see Schwartz alive. Schwartz was responsible for Gilligan’s head injury. Perhaps they wanted revenge?


Mrs. Howell, socialite and Nazi collaborator with her Uncle Franz, pursuing the secret island Santou reputed to have guano with miraculous healing powers. Perhaps they wanted Schwartz dead for being a member of the Jewish family who runs the department store that’s the chief rival to Howell’s?

Or maybe Mr. Howell killed Schwartz to end the blackmail resulting from pictures taken of him and Grumby in a compromising encounter years before?

I thought Mr. Howell was having an affair with Ginger?

Perhaps it was Professor Roy Hinkley, who blames Schwartz for depriving him of sufficient quantities of the magical guano for his scientific tests?

What about the Howells’ son Thirsty, who wants his father out of the way so that he can take over the Howell oil business?

Or perhaps Schwartz was murdered for keeping Santou a secret during World War II. So secret the Japanese and the Germans both coveted it. And it’s still secret in 1964, when our story takes place… Even though the Howells now own it… And exiled Nazis from South America still want it….

This parallel novel is complete at 56,000 words. While the characters are derivative, the story is entirely original. For more information on the novel, please see its Web page (redacted)


I have written hundreds of nonfiction articles, white papers, and other pieces over the last twenty years, and I coauthored the books (redacted)(Hayden Books, 1996), (redacted) (SAMS Publishing, 2002), and (redacted) (John Wiley & Sons, 2006). IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE is my first novel.


I am sending this query to you because IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE lacks a single protagonist, and thus isn't amenable to the standard query letter template. So, if I can get your attention with this query I know I'm on the right track.

The form isn't the problem here. It's the entire novel. 

And you haven't answered the question you started with: how did the characters get on the boat. This is all set up and possible motivation for killing the agent (as if anyone needs motivation to kill an agent.) 

Even forgetting the clearance problem, you still need an emotionally satisfying ending to the story and it's not "they get stranded on a desert island for seven years." In other words, you have to solve the crime. 

That means that whoever gets killed is the natural focus of the query: lots of people have motive to kill Charles Schwartz is probably a better way to start the query, and then focus on the relationship each of the castaways has with the agent, and their motive to kill him.  

And who solves the crime? If the castaways solve it in unison, you can simply refer to them in the collective sense.  Otherwise, the character who solves the crime is the prime candidate for protagonist.

I’m attaching the prologue and first chapter. I’m looking forward to your response! Thank you for your time and consideration

I'm pretty sure you're not looking forward to this response, but your optimism is rather sweet.

Sincerely,

#188 - Revised

Dear Query Shark,

Seventeen year old faery Penelope Hue is stuck between two worlds. She lives in a faery Colony settled outside a human town. The Council that rules her Colony hasn’t let anyone into the Queen’s realm in years. No one knows why. So she breaks the rules, disguises herself as a human, and sneaks into the town nearby. She finds comfort, a home almost, in their ways.

What's the Queen's realm? You don't have character soup here, you have location soup, a new item on the menu of "Things To Avoid in a Query!"

Is the Queen's realm the same thing as the human town? That doesn't make much sense to me.

After a Demon once thought banished (the breed that took her father) returns and attacks both humans and faeries alike, she discovers how good a Demon killer she is. She can fight the Demons and their King alongside a Council she hates. Or she can blend into the life she’s always wanted: a human one.

What is the Demon trying to do? Why does she hate the Council? What does she like about the human life (my guess is scotch and Jack Reacher novels but that's just me.)

THE WINGED LIFE is an X-Men meets Tinker Bell, YA Urban Fantasy complete at 62k words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Normally I'm bellowing queries are too long. This one is too short --140 words. You can add at LEAST another 100 words before you have to think about stopping, and you could double the word count and still be ok.

Lean and mean is good, but you're skeletal, not lean.

Here, have a cookie. Bulk up.

----------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Seventeen-year-old faery, Penelope Hue, has ignored the rules all her life. She disguises herself as a human and sneaks into their town. It must be done carefully. Quietly. The last faery that who exposed herself to a human was put to death. And that would suck.

And that would suck is a funny light-hearted line.  Put to death isn't.  The contrast between the two leaves me wondering what the tone of the book is.

She meets a human boy. He’s just as rebellious and misunderstood as Penelope is and the emotional experience brings her fae gifts out. All faeries receive a gift when they come of age. As her gifts develop, she learns how to blend in with her surroundings. She can change the color of her skin, wings and clothes. She learns to help others hide themselves as well. Her gift could be used to protect the Colony, the Queen and her World.

Well, I didn't realize the Colony, the Queen, and her world were in danger.  You start out talking about a human boy but he disappears after the second sentence. Then it's a lot of description of what she can do.  Given that I can change the color of my clothes I'm not sure you want to list that as something magical.  

And, making a list of the things she can do isn't what I need to know. You've already told me she's magic. I assume she can do all sorts of cool stuff. The question is: what does she WANT and what's keeping her from it.

This second paragraph doesn't entice me to read on because I don't have a sense of what's at stake other than what seems increasingly irrational: if Penelope is discovered hanging out with the humanoids, her ilk are going to be pissed off as hell.

Problem. The Colony’s Council has kept the fae from the Queen and her World for years and no one knows why. Penelope hates the way the Council rules the Colony. After a breed of demon once thought banished returns and attacks both humans and faeries alike, Penelope questions her allegiance. She doesn't know where she belongs.

Now we have a demon and a Colony Council in the mix.  Where's the boy? What does Penelope hate about the way the Council rules the Colony? Why would she question it?  How would she know there's any other way?

You're getting lost in plot points and character soup here, a veritable expo of exposition.  Simplify. Focus!

Penelope must choose between her Colony and the human world she’s grown to love. She can stay, fight the demons and their King alongside a Council she hates. Or she can use her gifts to blend into the life she’s always wanted. A human one.

Why wouldn't she stay in the human world? At least they aren't going to kill her for hanging out with them.

THE WINGED LIFE is an X-Men meets Tinker Bell, YA Urban Fantasy complete at 62k words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

X-Men meets Tinker Bell is pretty hilarious but I don't have a sense of the story here.  Simplify.

Here's a description for a another book in this category, Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr.

Keenan is the Summer King who has sought his queen for nine centuries. Without her, summer itself will perish. He is determined that Aislinn will become the Summer Queen at any cost—regardless of her plans or desires.

Suddenly none of the rules that have kept Aislinn safe are working anymore, and everything is on the line: her freedom; her best friend, Seth; her life; everything.

I'm not suggesting you copy this of course, but you can see that it's very very simple.  It gives us a sense of what's at stake and what the main character's problem is.  If you look at the description on Amazon, there's more there about the rules about fairies, but this is the heart of the plot.

Right now this is a form rejection.  Start over.

#187-comments only

This entry was removed at the author's request.  (That's always an option for participants here at QS--this is an all volunteer chomping)

There was a reference to a query template though in one of my comments, so I've pasted that here:

I'd scrap this entire query and start over with the query template I've described in several other places, but bears repeating:

What does the protagonist want?

What's keeping him from getting it?

What choice/decision does he face?

What terrible thing will happen if he chooses A; what terrible thing will happen if he doesn't.

Here's another form of the same thing:

The main character must decide whether to ________. If s/he decides to do (this), the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are______. If s/he decides NOT to do this: the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are________.

Obviously you don't just fill in the blanks, or just answer the questions. You use this template to get the important information in the right order. You build on to this skeleton. But, you start here, and work up.

#186-Revised 4x

Dear QueryShark:

Politicians, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they need to remain emotionally detached to work their trade. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and he knows that's dangerous.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. He uncovers the girl's secret life, as a prostitute, and finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through the course of his investigation, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway selling herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers while Lizzy becomes suspect on the street for her cooperation with the enemy: the police.

Lizzy and Joseph come to rely on each other for moral support until the night she is assaulted and disappears. Joseph charges headlong into a clumsy campaign to "rescue" other girls who might also be in danger. He quickly realizes that some people don't want to be "rescued" and that he must change his attitude--and perception of people--if he is going to affect some change in their lives. His search for Lizzy and others, like her, pushes him to become that better man.

Rescue should not be in quotes since that's exactly what he's trying to do.

"What Little Girls Are Made Of" is 90,000 words, my first novel, and based on real incidents I observed working with several police agencies.

Thank you ahead of time for your consideration or any comments.

I debated about whether to post this because I think   you're flailing here. Time to get out of the water, dry yourself off, have a martini and think about diving in again when you've had time to get some perspective.

Focus on the formula I've mentioned before: What does the main character want? What's keeping him from getting it?  

You're still making some fundamental mistakes (like mentioning this is based on events you've seen).  And we're back to the first title? Does that make it 0-5 or does it only count as one strike if you use the same one again.

You might consider junking the entire query and starting again.  It's sometimes better to start fresh instead of trying to fix what's not working.

Let this sit for a while.  Rethink what you're trying to tell me about.





-----------------------
Dear QueryShark:

It is sometimes said soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they need to remain emotionally detached to work their trade. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and he knows that's dangerous.


Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. When he uncovers the girl's secret life, a prostitute catering to pedophiles through the internet, he finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through his high profile investigation of the death of a 13-year-old girl, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers while Lizzy becomes suspect on the street for her cooperation with the enemy: the police.

What we're missing here is what he does that makes people think he's losing his objectivity. If you're using that as the hinge for the plot, you need to be very very specific about what he does and why it's dangerous.

Lizzy and Joseph come to rely on each other for moral support until the night she is assaulted and disappears. Joseph leaps headlong into a clumsy campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger until he stumbles into the one field that might actually help others before the police arrive: social worker.

I don't understand what is happening here.  What does until he stumbles into the one field that might actually help others before the police arrive: social worker. mean?

"Angel With The Barb Wire Tattoo" is 90,000 words, my first novel, and based on real incidents I observed working with several police agencies as a computer technician.

Oh good, we're 0-4 on the title. I'd hate to actually like one. This is too evocative of the Stieg Larrson books.

Thank you ahead of time for your consideration or any comments.

If Joseph is getting too involved with Lizzy, focus on that for the query.  Leave out all the other stuff.  I think it's a mistake to do that, because I don't think the personal dynamics of a cop are enough to carry a novel, but that's your choice as the author to make. 

    


-----------------------------------------------------
Dear QueryShark:

It is sometimes said soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they need to remain emotionally detached to ply their craft. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and he know that's dangerous.

"ply their craft" makes them sound like they bake cookies or weave straw hats.  "Do their job" is both more accurate and sounds (literally) better.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. When he uncovers the girl's secret life--a prostitute catering to pedophiles through the internet--he finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through his investigation, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers. Lizzy becomes suspect on the street for her cooperation with the enemy.

Ostracized from their clans Lizzy and Joseph come to rely on each other for moral support. He begins a campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger... but the one girl Joseph cannot protect is Lizzy, and it threatens to break him.

Who killed the 13-year old girl, the girl that got the plot going?  Does Joseph find the culprit? Is finding the culprit the climax of the book, OR is it the fact he can't find the culprit what leads him to begin a campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger? And how does he know which girls are in danger? And if he can't find the culprit, what's the climax of the book?

And why can't he protect Lizzy?  Does she resist what he's offering? 

"Who'll Love Dizzy Lizzy" is 90,000 words and is my first novel.

I thought the titles couldn't get worse. I was wrong.






     


----------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

It is sometimes said that soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they all need to remain emotionally detached to ply their craft. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and he know that's dangerous.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. But when he uncovers the girl's secret life--a prostitute catering to pedophiles through the internet--he finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through his investigation, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers.

Ostracized from their clans Lizzy and Joseph come to depend on each other for support. He begins a campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger... but the one girl Joseph cannot protect is Lizzy, and it threatens to break him.

So why is Lizzy ostracized? You'd think if she was paying the bills she'd be pretty much secure in her merry band of misfits.

"Requiem For Dizzy Lizzy" is 90,000 words and is my first novel.

The problem here is you're focusing on the two protagonists. That leads me to think Joseph's dependence on Lizzy is the main plot of the book. If the crime is the focus of the book, you need more about that.

The problem with Joseph and Lizzy's relationship being the focus of the query is you don't have enough time to overcome the ick factor.

You'll need the length of the novel to do that, where I hope we can come to see Joseph as a sympathetic and flawed protagonist.

And we're 0 for 3 on the title.  Maybe the comment column can generate some ideas on that.

---------------
Dear QueryShark,

It is sometimes said that soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they all they need to remain emotionally detached to do their job. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and it terrifies him.

This is much better than the first version. The reason it's better is that we have a sense of what's at stake for the main character.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as the one of best investigators in the country, but when he uncovers her secret life as an online prostitute catering to pedophiles, he finds the public attitude changes quickly. And when all clues point towards someone from the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. A general fear of what might come out of this flock spurs politicians and religious leaders to obstruct his investigation at every turn.

The first sentence in the paragraph is very long. (One way to know how long is too long is to say the sentence out loud. If you need to pause to breathe, it's too long) I'm also going to quibble with "prostitute" since it's clear she's online, and prostitution requires in-person activity. I know people use "sex worker" but that's not the right phrase either.

Just "someone" is too generic. The clues indicate the killer is someone 

"a general fear" is also too nebulous. Polish and sharpen your language and word choice here.

Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers. With only Lizzy fighting on his side, he grows closer to the girl who reawakens humanity in him that he had almost forgotten he had. The dispassion he had exercised for so long had cost him his marriage and the bond he shared with his daughter. Watching Lizzy interact with her clan provides him with a glimmer of hope: how he can best bridge the gaps he had thrown up to separate himself from the vulgar orbit of the criminal element he saw everyday. But the one person he cannot help is Lizzy, and it threatens to break him.

You can cut almost all of this paragraph out and solve a lot of the problems in this query. Remember you don't need the entire plot, or the entire motivation, you only need enough to entice my interest.

"The Absolution of a Fallen Angel" is a 90,000 words commercial fiction piece and is my first novel.

I really really hate this title too.  Fallen Angel is smarmy and a stereotype of prostitutes.
I wouldn't stop reading a query based on a bad title --no one really would-- but a good title is better than a bad one for enticing interest.

This is a lot LOT better than the original (good work) but it needs some honing and polishing.

-------------------------------------
ORIGINAL


Dear Query Shark,

Chief Detective MIKE JOSEPH is in over his head and knows it. Investigating the death of a 13-year-old girl uncovers her secret life as an online prostitute catering to pedophiles... and all clues point towards someone from the largest television ministry on the East Coast. This pits JOSEPH against a cabal of politicians and the self righteous terrified of what an investigation into the flock might uncover.

Don't capitalize the names of characters. That's the format for film scripts, not query letters.  The only thing in a query that is all caps is the title of the book.

"Cabal of politicians and the self-righteous" doesn't actually say anything useful.  You're using buzz words to evoke knee-jerk responses (ie politicians = bad, evil) rather than actually creating an interesting villain.  Cardboard cutout stereotypes aren't interesting.

JOSEPH 's single ally is a female runaway, who calls herself DIZZY LIZZY--five years older than his own daughter--also selling herself in order to support her junkie boyfriend and the colorful cast of misfits who inhabit her world.

"colorful cast of misfits" is a pretty light hearted description.  Coming after "online prostitutes catering to pedophiles" there's a real disparity of tone. You can be funny about serious topics, but you can't then have the serious topics viewed with any gravitas (examples are Carl Hiassen, Janet Evonovich.)

As a cop, he tries to insulate himself from horrors of a culture on society's fringe but finds himself drawn to LIZZY and her clan bringing accusations that he is losing his objectivity.

The construction of this sentence makes it look as though "her clan" is the one accusing him of losing his objectivity. That doesn't actually make sense.

His meticulous nature as a detective has pushed his wife to divorce and daughter to arm's length but he draws strength from the charismatic 16 year old LIZZY. Even JOSEPH fears he might be another of the girl's "projects."

Here's where you lose me.  He's meticulous so his wife divorces him and his daughter doesn't much like him so he draws strength from a 16 year old online prostitute?  That doesn't feel very real to me, but more than that it makes the protagonist seem weak and frankly, rather icky.

He needs to solve a case that has becomes a political hot potato, come to grips with his divorce, while he hopes to rescue LIZZY from a dead end life. But he begins to question who most needs to be rescued: LIZZY or himself.

Are you seriously asking if a grown man dealing with a divorce and an alienated child has the same need of help as a 16 year old girl who is making money to support a junkie boyfriend by whoring?

At this point I want to hit the protagonist with a 2x4 and shriek "do your damn job" and that's absolutely not the response you want.

You'd do better to focus more on plot and less on character in this query.  It's very very difficult to reduce complex motivations and situations to enticing descriptions for a query. You need to bat to your strengths, and plot may be better for that here.

WHAT LITTLE GIRLS ARE MADE OF is a 90,000 word popular-cop fiction and is my first novel.

There's no such category as popular cop fiction.  There's commercial fiction; there's police procedural; there are crime novels. If you can't figure out what to call your novel, pick a novel that's close to yours (in this case I would pick one of Ed McBain's 87th Precinct novels.)  Go to Amazon. Look at the tags people give their reviews (it's near the bottom of the page.) Generally speaking you'll find what to correctly call your novel there. Pick ONE of the tags, not the top five.

I really hate the title.  My guess is you are going for a juxtaposition of what the nursery rhyme evokes and the strength of Lizzy (little girls aren't made of sugar and spice; they're made of oak etc.)  Coming at the end of the query it doesn't do that.  We haven't  really seen what Lizzy is made of; we've seen the weakness of Mike Joseph. Since the novel is about pedophilia and prostitution the title has to avoid an "ickiness" risk that other books don't.  Obviously, an agent does not stop reading a book based on a bad title, but you want to be very aware of the effect every word in your query, including the title, conveys.

This is a form rejection. There's not enough plot to catch my interest.  The main character doesn't seem very heroic if he's busy leeching off a 16 year old for emotional strength.

#185-Revised

Dear QueryShark:

Tabitha’s a smart cookie, but she’s not exactly what you’d call worldly. She’s studying abroad in England on her first big trip away from home, and she thought she’d be having the time of her life. Instead, she feels dislocated and isolated. And it doesn’t help that she’s a continent away from her boyfriend Will.

you don't have to repeat the subject (she) in every clause. It's actually better if you don't.  When I keep chewing on writers to pare out every unneeded word, this is what I mean.

Back in New Jersey, Tabitha was a talented literature student, but now she’s struggling to compete. When not facing thinly veiled scorn from her classmates or being publicly humiliated for her ignorance of the vernacular, Tabitha soothes her loneliness with tea, chips, and pints of hard cider.

So far all you've done here is tell us about Tabitha. And frankly, she sounds like a sad-sack full of self-pity.

Tabitha eventually settles in with a motley assortment of British students, including a vivacious extrovert who involves her in schemes to finagle free drinks, a morose snooker aficionado who indoctrinates her into his favorite pastime, and an enigmatic aristocrat who invites her into a secret society that convenes on nights of the full moon.

This is all set up and description. What does Tabitha want? What's keeping her from it?

Then Tabitha’s precarious new serenity shatters.

Will sleeps with his best female friend back home, and Tabitha is desolate. Tabitha’s American friends Katy and Ezra find her plunged in despair, and they pull her into their European spring break travels.

This is all backstory, and you'd be lucky if I kept reading to find out where the actual story starts.

story actually begins here------>As the three friends eat and drink their way across Ireland and France, Tabitha wrestles with her conflicted emotions. She’s furious with herself for still loving Will despite his transgression. And yet she finds herself increasingly drawn to the handsome and sympathetic Ezra, who has made his interest in Tabitha evident. Torn by her dueling attractions, Tabitha makes a choice that even she doesn’t expect…

I'm sorry but this is just plain not interesting, let alone enticing. An American girl abroad with a group of students finds herself attracted to one of her merry band. This isn't a plot. It's a set up.

ABROAD is a 76,000-word new adult novel.

This is my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Let's get some plot on the page here. What does Tabitha want? When you say she'd be having the time of her life, what did she think she'd be doing? Why isn't she doing it? What's keeping her from doing it? 

Everything up to the first place Tabitha has to make a choice is prelude to the story.  Most likely that choice is "When Tabitha hears her idiot boyfriend has taken advantage of her year away in England to sleep with all the members of Chi Omega in alphabetical order, Tabitha must decide whether to hire a hit man for revenge, or go to France with her merry band of misfit friends and drown her sorrows in good wine and cheese."

 Start over. Focus on what happens, not description.

--------------------
ORIGINAL


Dear Query Shark:


Tabitha Macaulay is supposed to be having the time of her life studying abroad in England on a prestigious scholarship. But she feels out-of-place at her British university, and is a continent away from her musician boyfriend Will.


Just as Tabitha settles in with a motley assortment of British and American students, she is devastated to learn that Will has betrayed her. Fellow Americans Katy and Ezra pull Tabitha out of her dejection and into their European spring break travels.


As the three friends eat and drink their way across Ireland and France, Tabitha wrestles with her conflicted emotions: she still loves Will, but finds herself increasingly drawn to the handsome and sympathetic Ezra. Torn by her dueling attractions, Tabitha finally makes the choice that even she doesn’t expect…


She becomes a lesbian? She enters a convent? It better be something that dramatic cause the other options (she decides she doesn't need a boyfriend and/or she falls for Ezra) are pretty low-wattage resolutions.


ABROAD, a 76,000-word new adult /young adult/ novel, explores the bumpy road to cultural assimilation, (there's nothing in the query letter about that) the joy of unexpected friendships, (or that) the healing power of food, (or that) and the delicious agony of sexual tension. (or that)


You're telling me the book is about those things. What you've shown me is the book is about a girl whose boyfriend cheats on her while she's away (I could have told her that would happen) and she embarks on a road trip to ease her pain. This is the most standard of plots right now. What you're telling and what you're showing don't match. I believe what you show me.


Just a word to the commenters tempted to leap on the designation new adult: it is a legitimate category and describes books about college age people. YA is generally for protagonists of high school age; New adult is for protagonists aged 18 to about 22.


I have degrees in English and Communication from Rutgers University, and I studied literature abroad at the University of Sussex in Brighton, England.

Aha! I suspect a thinly disguised memoir here. What you need to remember is that real life seldom is the stuff of good novels.


There isn't enough substance here.  YA and NA has real heft to it now. I think of books like Courtney Summers' CRACKED UP TO BE; Amy Reed's BEAUTIFUL; Charles Benoit's YOU.


This is my first novel.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

#183

Dear Query Shark:

According to UNICEF, an estimated 2.5 children, the majority of them girls, are sexually exploited in the 12 billion dollar world wide commercial sex industry. It has been estimated by Stop Child Trafficking Now, SCTNow, that the average predator in the US can make more than $200,000 a year off one young girl.


Great! You're querying for a non-fiction book on the problem of sexual exploitation of women.  Oh wait, you're not.

Don't begin the query for a novel with a cold burst of information like this.  This isn't your story.  You're also telling (in the least enticing way you could) rather than showing.  I see this a lot with people who write novels to illustrate a problem or make a point.  Don't do it.

Danny Charman has retired after a career in the National Football League. He has started a new career as a lawyer in Dallas. Actually, all he really wants to do, is work a half day and play golf the other half. Oh, and of course, he would like to fool around with the ladies as much as possible. That is, until early one morning, he learns that one of his former teammates has been murdered. The murder took place at a hunting and fishing lodge in a national forest near a small town north of Dallas. That afternoon, he learns that another one of his former teammates has been taken into custody. Immediately, Danny knows something is wrong. His two former teammates were best of friends, born and raised together in the small town. One would not have killed the other.

This is clunky writing of the worst sort. It's a series of statements, not a paragraph. There is no cadence here; the sentences don't flow readily.

Consider this:

All Danny Charman really wants to do is work and play golf . Oh, and fool around with the ladies as much as possible. Early one morning he learns one of his former NFL teammates has been murdered at a hunting and fishing lodge. Another former teammate has been taken into custody. Immediately, Danny knows something is wrong.  These guys were best of friends, born and raised together in the small town. One would not have killed the other.

That evening, Danny and his young female assistant drive to the town to pay their respects and to start an investigation.   Later that night, with the rain turning into sleet, they are driving on a deserted road in the forest. Suddenly, a little girl darts out in front of them. Danny is able to stop the vehicle without hitting her as she runs across the road and into the forest. He searches and finds her collapsed underneath a tree. He picks her up. She is burning up with fever. She either cannot, or will not talk. He notices the bruises around her little wrists and ankles. They take her to the local hospital. No one there recognizes her. Evidently, she is not local.

You've got the same clunky problem here. Also, you're missing what's at stake for Danny.  Even if he doesn't think his former teammate would have killed his friend, why does he take it on himself to investigate?  There has to be an organic reason for this to happen. By organic I mean a motivation that flows from the plot and characters making choices, not the author deciding this is what has to happen.



In order to solve the murder of his former teammate, Danny must first solve the mystery of the little girl. A mystery that will take him into the underworld of human trafficking and child exploitation.


There is no linkage between the two things.  I don't understand what the plot is. 

BUTTERFLY SIN, a mystery complete at 110,000 words, is my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


This is a form rejection. It's all set up, and no plot.  The writing is clunky and un-polished.  When I see that in a query, I know I'll see it in the novel.  

I'm also EXTREMELY wary of authors who are trying to make a point or teach a lesson, or illuminate a problem in novels.  Story comes first and authors who want to make a point rarely are willing to let the story dominate the points they want to make.  Stories with lessons are called parables, not novels.

Questions?

I get email asking questions that are (to my mind) clearly answered in the directions for QueryShark.  Normally I just delete them, but it occurred to me that the readers of the blog might be willing to help me out here.

If you have questions, post them in the comment section of THIS blog post.  By questions I mean things about how QueryShark works. Examples: can I resubmit if I've sent a query before (yes); I've sent you three queries but none have been posted, why not (I don't post 99% of the queries I get.)

If you ask a question about how other agencies work, about how to handle issues with something OTHER than a query letter to the QueryShark, the comment won't be posted. There are lots of places on the web to get that information. QueryShark Questions are ONLY about QueryShark.


If you're a blog reader, feel free to answer.  I'll keep you all on the right course -- wrong answers won't get approved. I also don't post questions about the general query process or how to submit work to agents.  These questions are about how the Shark works and ONLY about how the Shark works.


My hope is we can get questions answered without my having to engage in a one on one email conversation.

Thanks for helping.

#182--Revised

Dear Query Shark:

An old and mysterious globe launches Benjamin and Caroline Coffee into the perils of history as they to navigate through the Age of Discovery and back to the modern day.

The unexplained death of the  grandmother brings Benjamin and Caroline to rural Illinois on the summer following their thirteenth birthdays. That is, until they innocently spin a long-neglected globe. When they regain consciousness, the year is 1491 in Nuremberg, Germany, and they are staring at the oldest globe in the modern world, The Earth Apple, designed by Martin Behaim. The threatening Martin imprisons them, leaving them hopeless, but they soon find out that twin globes have been made and the one they need is in Lisbon, Portugal. Unfortunately, it is the same globe needed by Martin’s most secretive friend, Christopher Columbus. Martin whisks Benjamin and Caroline off across 15th century Europe, but they are not alone in their voyage. The Portuguese Crown is in vigilant pursuit, along with a curious old man who holds many answers to the wonder of the twin globes and to the death of their grandmother. Should Benjamin and Caroline help the deceitful Martin in his quest with Columbus or should they give up on history and try to get back home?

You sent this as entire block o'text. Don't do that. Break up into three-four lines in an email. Don't break sentences obviously, but do break paragraphs into smaller chunks. White space is crucial in an email query.

Here's how I'd break it up:

The unexplained death of the their grandmother brings Benjamin and Caroline to rural Illinois on the summer following their thirteenth birthdays. That is, until they innocently spin a long-neglected globe. When they regain consciousness, the year is 1491 in Nuremberg, Germany, (let's remember that Germany didn't exist as a unified political entity till after 1870) and they are staring at the oldest globe in the modern world, The Earth Apple, designed by Martin Behaim.

The threatening Martin imprisons them, (why?) leaving them hopeless, but they soon find out that twin globes have been made and the one they need is in Lisbon, Portugal. (they're in prison, how do they know?) (why do they need that one and not this one?) Unfortunately, it is the same globe needed by Martin’s most secretive friend, Christopher Columbus.

Martin whisks Benjamin and Caroline off across 15th century Europe, (I thought he locked them in prison?)  but they are not alone in their voyage. (Nuremberg to Lisbon isn't a voyage last time I glanced at a map) The Portuguese Crown is in vigilant pursuit, along with a curious old man who holds many answers to the wonder of the twin globes and to the death of their grandmother.


Should Benjamin and Caroline help the deceitful Martin in his quest with Columbus or should they give up on history and try to get back home?

This is a choice without stakes. What happens if they give up on history? Does the world implode? Am I doomed?

SPIN: THE COFFEE CHRONICLES is an 80,000-word historical novel. Maps and illustrations have been created.


Thanks for your time and I look forward to hearing from you,

If your query raises these kinds of questions as I read it, it makes me wonder if the book holds together logically.  (This is why a lot of agents request a synopsis--to see if the book really works in terms of plot and narrative arc)

You might have a fun book here, but I can't see it because all I am is confused. 

Start over. Simplify.


---------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

After stumbling across an old and mysterious pedestal globe, a few innocent revolutions launch Benjamin and Caroline Coffee back into the midst of history’s greatest challenges as they re-encounter the Age of Discovery and struggle to find their way back to modern day.

There's a lot to be said for simple basic sentence construction. Consider: Benjamin and Caroline Coffee stumble across an old and mysterious pedestal globe.  A few innocent revolutions launch them into the midst ...

Writing it this way does a couple things: it helps you steer clear of long-ass sentences which is almost always the better choice.  It starts with the names of the characters.  It also helps you as an author write with forward motion.  Start at the beginning; move forward.

I'm not sure innocent is needed to modify revolutions. Whether they were innocent or malevolent, the result is the same.


When the two thirteen-year-olds regain consciousness, the year is 1491 in Nuremberg, Germany, and they are staring at the oldest globe in the modern world, The Earth Apple, designed by Martin Behaim.


An attempt at using the globe to get back home leaves Benjamin and Caroline kidnapped and hopeless, but soon an unsigned note left in the pocket of an obscure young artist reveals that common throughout history twin globes have been made, and the one they need to get home is the same that Martin needs for the second discovery of America; unfortunately, it resides in the castle of King John II in Lisbon, Portugal.

You've got way too much going on here for one sentence.  Also, that one sentence is 74 words.  When I see this kind of sentence in a query, I know I'll see it in the book. That means I'm in for some pretty hard-core editing.  This does not bode well for "yes, I want to read pages."

I don't understand how using a globe gets anyone kidnapped, or makes them hopeless. Clearly there's some sort of precipitating event  but you don't mention it.  

"An unsigned note left in the pocket of an obscure young artist" is the worst form of Scooby-Doo

Martin whisks the artist, Benjamin and Caroline off across 15th century Europe, but they are not alone in their voyage. The Portuguese Crown is in vigilant pursuit, along with a curious old man who holds many answers to the wonder of the twin globes.



Fires are quelled, battles are fought, and secrets are exposed as Benjamin and Caroline unearth new perspectives of the Granada War, Renaissance Art, and the true discovery of America in SPIN: THE COFFEE CHRONICLES.

This is so general as to be meaningless.  You only need the events that answer the question: what is the hero up against? What is getting between the hero and his goal?  Everything else can be left out.

SPIN: THE COFFEE CHRONICLES is a 120,000-word historical novel. Maps and illustrations have been created.

whoa.  120K is not a problem for an adult historical novel. Not at all.

Your protagonists are 13.  I thought this was a middle grade book.  120K is way too long for that.

What you have described here is essentially a middle grade novel: kids out of place in time who need to get home. This isn't a novel that an adult would read.  You need to chop the word count by a good 50K.

I am currently in a Ph.D. program at the (redacted) so I am no stranger to research but new to novel writing. The research for this book has taken me to several of its scenes throughout southwestern Europe. I have also been in correspondence with experts at one of the largest and greatest museums in Europe, the Germanic National Museum in Nuremberg, which plays an important role in the novel as well as houses many of the famous pieces featured, including Renaissance artwork and the oldest globe extant, The Earth Apple of Martin Behaim.

 That's very nice but you don't need qualifications to write a novel. 

Thanks for your time and I look forward to hearing from you,

This is a form rejection.  I see unnecessarily complex sentences, disconnect between length and target audience.  There's nothing here right now that makes me care about the main characters and their quest.