#141-Revised 4x

Dear Query Shark,

Guardians can defeat any injury or illness, and for around three hundred years have brought about great improvements in people’s lives. Yet these acts are nothing compared to what could happen if a certain fourteen-year-old mustered up the desire to resume his dead father’s cause.

yikes, where did this come from?

Three years ago, Will’s life was shattered. Now, he has rotten prospects, faded dreams, and an old note which hints that his father may have actually chosen to die. Translated, that means something else was more important than staying alive—to be with him. Everything Will believes about his father unravels when he uncovers evidence of a double life kept hidden for over a decade.


Will becomes the target of growing suspicion (by whom?) after another person (who?) connected with the note disappears. When he sets out to discover his father’s past, he learns something else: his father possessed a significant, otherworldly artifact (be specific), which is now missing. His problems worsen after when word gets out that its power might be transferred to anyone who could (yes, forcibly) claim it–and he doesn’t know where it is or what it even looks like.


The trouble with that is? Everyone thinks he has it.

Then he meets Soren, who seems to know more about Will’s fate than Will does. Will is drawn to the frailties and mysteries of the aging monarch, yet fearful of his protection. As violence increases across a once peaceful land, and the guardians begin to disappear, Will must ask himself if Soren is his savior or the one who will lead him to his demise.

You don't need any of this. This is a quest novel. It's Will's story. All you need to do is tell me what Will needs to do to reach his goal.

Will needs to find the artifact--if he can first find the desire, then the courage--to continue what his father believed to be so very worthy. Oh, and the life of poverty thing should be fixed also. But what can one solitary boy do?


THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA fantasy adventure and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


This is getting better except for that first paragraph. Good name change. Pare down to the essentials. Get some vivid word choices in there.


---------
Dear Query Shark,

Sixteen-year-old Percy has a plan for summer vacation, and it doesn’t include discovering the truth of what happened five years ago. That was when his father died, and he has yet to accept his fate as a result of it: a hard life of poverty. Now he learns that his father may have actually chosen to die.

There's a missing paragraph here. You go from "a plan for summer vacation that doesn't include" to "look for the missing artifact" Something must have happened to change his plans. What was it? That's the key.

Also, five years is a LONG time for a kid. At sixteen, it's not quite a third of his life. Percy sounds a bit neurotic if he hasn't "accepted" what his life is like. If you notice other adventure/quest YA books, you'll notice the main characters may remember the past, but they don't really dwell there. They are trying to make things work in the present.

Percy also learns his father possessed an artifact which one day, along with its bearer, will unite all people when their very survival is threatened. (this is so general as to be useless) He is thrown into the kind of adventure he thought existed only in his father’s bedtime stories, but ill-equipped, for he has never set foot outside of their isolated seaside town. He must overcome an inherent mistrust of adults and learn to accept help - from one in particular. His problems worsen when he realizes that the artifact’s power might be transferred to anyone who could claim it…and he doesn’t know where it is, or what it even looks like.

You don't need a laundry list of the quest. What's the one thing he needs to do? What happens if he fails? What worse thing happens if he succeeds?

And the trouble with that is? Everyone seems to think he has it.

Percy needs to find the artifact, its proper bearer, and why his father was willing to die for it. Oh, and his own life story could also use a happy ending. But what can one solitary boy do?

SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA adventure fiction and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.


I'm pretty sure this isn't a category called adventure fiction cause I've never heard of that before. This is fantasy. Magic artifacts tend to be fantasy (or diet books, but those are shelved, perplexingly, in non-fiction)

This is getting better, but it's not there yet.
---------------
Dear Query Shark,

Percy was just eleven when his father died. The interment was private, nearly unnoticed. In fact, people went about their business as if William Moore had not existed. Now five years later, Percy learns that his father may have chosen to die.

Choosing to die - according to Percy - is just another way of saying that his father chose to leave; it means that he intentionally left them behind. Percy is angry, yet afraid to discover what the well-traveled William knew, why he isolated them near the sea, and with what he was involved – in particular, what he may have loved more than his family. Percy begins to ask questions about his father’s death, stirring what has been long dormant. The questions quickly arouse paranoid suspicion, and he realizes that now he has placed himself and his mother at risk. Powerful memories of his father, and vivid details of a stranger – scholar, actually - who had visited just before William’s death, drives Percy from his childhood home to follow his father’s path back to its beginning.

The story starts here, in the third paragraph:

Percy learns that his (now dead) father acquired an artifact believed to have survived through the end of the previous age.

Believed by whom? You don't need the word believed, and it creates the who believes problem.
Percy learns (no that) his (now dead) father acquired (insert name of what it is or something more specific than) artifact from the end of the previous age (what age? Ice? Dinosaur?)

It may have even stopped time, and much later, brought back the dead to their new world, now 300 years ago.

This sentence just leads to more trouble. You don't have enough time to explain any of the details without sounding muddled: "brought back the dead to their new world" leads me to wonder whose world, and why. Just leave it out.

Along with its bearer, the artifact is prophesied to one day unite all people when their very survival is threatened.

This is where a very plain noun-verb-clause structure is your friend. It is prophesied that one day the artifact and its bearer will unite all people when their very survival is threatened.


Many people are desperate to find it as sporadic violence begins to erode the peace which has reigned for decades. On top of not knowing what or where it is, Percy’s problems worsen when he realizes that the artifact’s power might be transferred to anyone who could claim it. He must overcome an inherent mistrust of adults and learn to accept help - from one in particular.

I strongly strongly strongly suggest that you write straightforward sentences. DO NOT lead with
these damn clauses all the time: Percy's problems worsen when he realizes... Then you put in And he has to find the artifact too or something like that.


If Percy doesn’t discover the origin of the artifact, its whereabouts, and why his father was willing to die for it, he will also fail to find the intended bearer, and his family’s hardship would have been for nothing. Whether his failure results in the end of an age, or his success ensures that the beginning continues, he will learn that parents are still important, friends necessary, and death can be a beginning instead of just an end – for one who surrenders to it, as well as for those who love them.

And when you stop there, instead of adding all this other stuff, you actually have something much closer to enticing.

THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA adventure fiction and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

You're improving but this is still a form rejection.


---------------
Dear Query Shark,

William Moore died when his son Percy was just eleven. The interment was private, nearly unnoticed. In fact, people went about their business as if he had not existed. Now five years later, Percy learns that a friend had feared for his father’s safety, had warned him to discontinue involvement in certain activities…and that William his father may have chosen to die, knowing that it had been foretold.

Start with the character who isn't dead for the entire book, ok? Percy was just eleven when his father died.

And I hate to break this to you, I but I foretell your death. Mine too. We ALL die. Thus "knowing that it had been foretold" is meaningless.

What Percy doesn’t know is that William Moore acquired an artifact believed to have survived through the end of the previous age. It may have even stopped time, and much later, brought back the dead to their new world, now 300 years ago. He also doesn’t know that along with its bearer, the artifact is prophesied to one day unite all people when their very survival is threatened.

If Percy doesn't know it, it doesn't influence his choices at the start of the book. Leave it out. It's like saying "Scarlett O'Hara doesn't know the south will lose so she whiles away the war in Miss Pittypat's parlor instead of learning to farm."

When Percy begins to ask questions about his father’s death. He arouses suspicion and inadvertently places himself and his mother at risk. To discover what William Moore knew, with what he was involved, and why he settled into their isolated, provincial community by the sea, Percy has no choice but to leave his childhood home and follow his father’s path back to its beginning.

Well he does have a choice. And that's why this is still not very focused. You're glossing over the choice he makes: to leave home and discover what his father knew, and why his father isolated their family OR to stay home and remain ignorant. IF he leaves home he risks (whatever he risks). If he doesn't, he'll (whatever he won't)

The query is not the place for a rundown of the entire plot. Focus on what STARTS the plot moving and entice me to read on. Be specific.

And a quick word about starting sentences with when, since, during, meanwhile, but, and: don't. Start with the subject. It will make the sentence stronger about 97.6% of the time, and if it doesn't THEN you start with something else.

However, being sixteen and also much like his father, he strays from his purpose. He quickly gets caught up in the wonder – and the danger - of a civilization which is struggling to build a utopia. He lives through false imprisonment for vagrancy, the murder of his friend’s uncle, and robbery. He doesn’t realize that the events are not unintentional – that being William Moore’s son, he is a curiosity to others who know what he has yet to learn. He may now be the bearer of the extraordinary, if it exists – or could its power be transferred to anyone who could claim it?

To fulfill his father's destiny, and ultimately discover his own, Percy must learn to accept help from others – one in particular - and resume his path, the one which was chosen for him.

THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA adventure fiction and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Form rejection
----------------------------------
(4 lines of address redacted)

DON'T PUT YOUR CONTACT INFO AT THE TOP. Yes, I'm shrieking. I see this all the time and it's starting to make me nuts. In an email query, your contact info goes at the bottom under your name. Don't waste the first 4, 8 or 16 lines of an email with something OTHER than the most important information: what your book is about.

Dear Query Shark,

The maturation of 16-year-old Percy Moore stalled five years ago when his father died, and left him lingering in their isolated, provincial community.

What? He stopped growing? He stopped maturing? He's lingering on his death bed? This is so general as to be meaningless. Be specific. Percy Moore's father dies and leave him alone in an isolated community. Then what?


He cocoons, and avoids adults with their curious stares.

What, his father was the first person to ever die there? He died from something suspicious? Right now this doesn't make sense. Why are people staring at Percy? And cocooning is one of those shelter-magazine buzz words meaning people stay at home with their entertainment systems. Is that how you mean it here?


But when he endangers his remaining family by discovering that his father’s death may not have been accidental, Percy is forced to leave his childhood home. He knows that he must either run to hide, or swallow his fear and seek out the details of his father’s mysterious past.

You'd think he'd want to leave if people are staring at him. Be specific about what the problem is.

What Percy doesn’t know is that his father had been foretold and accepted his own fate, and had armed and prepared his son to find the same path and accomplish what he would not.

His father had been foretold doesn't make sense. An event, not a person is foretold. And Percy doesn't sound armed or prepared at all to me.

As Percy journeys through the unfamiliar, gathering friends and straying from his original purpose, he also doesn’t realize that his father’s life and death is not a secret.

unfamiliar what?
uh...since when was it ever thought to be a secret?

William Moore was believed to possess a gift of unknown origin or value - brought about by his travels - which would one day bring people and lands together in a struggle for survival. Unaware that the events are related,

What events?

Percy lives through imprisonment for vagrancy, the murder of his friend’s uncle, and robbery. To survive, he must learn to allow adults – one in particular – into his life again and resume his path, the one which was chosen for him.

List the events, then say "the events are related" otherwise the reader doesn't know what events you're talking about. But you also don't want a list of events in a query. You want problem/conflict/consequences and choices.

This is so general as to be meaningless. Get back to basics. What's the problem Percy faces? What are the consequences? Answer that in fewer than 100 specific words.

THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA fiction, the first of a 3-book series and also and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.



Sincerely,


Form rejection.