#148-Revised thrice to a win!

Dear Query Shark,

Space isn’t the final frontier; death is.

In 2093, on a colonised planet, Homicide Inspector Paul Blake breaks under the strain of his son’s death and slits his wrists in a bathtub. After two days dead, he wakes up in a hospital without so much as a scratch. And life will never be the same again.

A year later. Blake investigates the brutal murder of a woman who worked for the world’s most powerful organisation, the GCMRD. Soon after, a colleague of her confesses to her murder and commits suicide.

Still reeling from the events, Blake receives a mysterious call from someone who calls himself Lazarus, and is suddenly exposed to the GCMRD’s most recent scientific achievement:

Bringing back the dead.

As the bodies begin to pile up, Blake finds that he is more involved than he originally thought – or remembered. Lazarus has a plan that seeks to make a new world on the ashes of the old one, a new world inhabited by those he brings back from the dead. And he couldn’t have done it without Blake’s help.

LAZARUS is a sci-fi thriller, complete at 70,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Yup, that'll do it.

Send pages!

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Dear Query Shark,

Space isn’t the final frontier; death is.

In 2093, on a city of a colonised planet, Homicide Inspector Paul Blake breaks under the strain of his son’s death and slits his wrists in a bathtub, straight after his surprise birthday party. After two days dead, he wakes up in a hospital without so much as a scratch. And life will never be the same again.

Take out every single thing you don't need. Unless the birthday party is key info, it goes. Read your sentences out loud to get a sense of the rhythm of them.

A year later, Blake investigates the brutal murder of a woman who worked for the world’s most powerful organisation, the Global Committee for Military Research & Development. But Before the hunt even begins, the victim’s colleague turns himself in and confesses to the murder before committing suicide.


This needs to be more crisp. It feels mushy. It feels that way because your sentences are really really long. Remember, you don't need to follow all the rules as long as you break them artfully. You CAN have incomplete sentences.

Thus: A year later. Blake investigates the brutal murder of a woman who worked for the world’s most powerful organisation, GCMRD. Before the hunt can begin, one of the victim’s colleagues turns himself in. He confesses to the murder before committing suicide.

Still reeling from the events, Blake receives a mysterious call from someone who calls himself Lazarus, and is suddenly exposed to the GCMRD’s most recent scientific achievement:

Bringing back the dead.

As the bodies begin to pile, it becomes clear that Blake is more involved than he originally thought –or remembered. Lazarus has a plan that goes far beyond a simple murder case; a plan that seeks to make a new world on the ashes of the old one, a new world inhabited by those he brings back from the dead. And it wouldn’t have happened without Blake’s help, who soon discovers is that the only way to fight the dead is to die himself.

LAZARUS is a sci-fi thriller, complete at 70,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

I'd read the pages on this one but I'm worried that it's not polished up enough yet. When I see mushy writing in a query, I'm confident I'll see mushy writing in the novel. Take out every single thing you don't need. Read your sentences out loud. Develop an ear for pace and rhythm.

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FIRST REVISION



Dear Query Shark,

Space isn’t the final frontier; death is.

Very very rarely does a quick log line grab my attention. Mostly they sound forced or silly. This one works.


In 2093, on a city of a colonised planet, Homicide Inspector Paul Blake breaks under the strain of his son’s death and slits his wrists in a bathtub, straight after his surprise birthday party. After two days dead, he wakes up in a hospital without so much as a scratch. And life will never be the same again.

Normally I screech about leaving out backstory and set up. Not here. This works.

A year later, Blake investigates the brutal murder of a woman who worked for the world’s most powerful organisation, the Global Committee for Military Research & Development. But before the hunt even begins, the victim’s colleague turns himself in and confesses to the murder before committing suicide. Still reeling from the events, Blake receives a mysterious call from someone who calls himself Lazarus, and is suddenly exposed to the GCMRD’s most recent scientific achievement:

Bringing back the dead.

Meanwhile, Blake fights his personal demons while trying to cope with his wife in a mental asylum, struggling to rebuild a relationship with his estranged daughter, dealing with his boss and his own secrets, and evading his only friend, Inspector Bobby Mallow.

There are very few uses for a paragraph that begins "meanwhile" in a query letter. Plus, the phrase "personal demons" used like this is a cliche.


As the bodies begin to pile, it becomes clear that Blake is more involved than he originally thought –or remembered. Lazarus has a plan that goes far beyond a simple murder case; a plan that seeks to make a new world on the ashes of the old one, a new world inhabited by those he brings back from the dead. And it wouldn’t have happened without Blake’s help.


Disturbing secrets of a double life emerge, buried under the haze of a drug habit and Blake becomes suddenly aware of his own, forgotten involvement in the plot. It’s not long before Blake’s past catches up to him and the rest of his world. While the city burns, Blake must make a desperate attempt to stop Lazarus and his Children, who are calling him to rejoin them. But what Blake soon discovers is that the only way to fight the dead is to die himself.

LAZARUS is a sci-fi thriller, and is complete at 69,945 words. I would be delighted to send you a partial or full manuscript for your consideration. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


This is pretty much a 180 turn, and in the right direction.
This is a CLASSIC example of why you don't want to try to be too clever in a query (the original) and just tell us about the novel (the revised query).

I think of queries as a bit like what figure skaters used to have to do in the Olympics: compulsory figures. Skaters were required to perform a series of figures, and were judged solely on accuracy not artistry. There is a photo somewhere of a judge measuring a line in the ice with a ruler!

The resemblance of queries to compulsories is this: you have to get the basics down in the query. Your artistry shows in your pages. Yes your voice comes through in your query. Yes there is style there. But mostly you've got to communicate some basic info: what the book is about, and the stakes involved.


This revision works. I'd read pages.

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Dear Query Shark:

Whatever I write will be deemed pretentious; that much I know.

And it would be so naïve on my behalf to disguise this as more than it is; ‘tis a novel pitch, and my solemn duty is to make it stand out above the rest.

Without being pretentious.

So, this is my novel, LAZARUS (70K words). I’m supposed to call it a “sci-fi thriller”, and if it ever sees the light of publication that’s what they’ll probably end up calling it. But, personally, I refer to it as a scream; a scream in written format because I don’t know any other way to do it.

It’s about death and near-life experiences. It’s about a cop who gets mixed up in a plot with bombs, drugs and human cloning. It’s about the awful rain that falls and washes nothing away.

I wonder if you’d like to read it, and if so, I’d be thrilled to send you a partial or full manuscript. For your convenience, I submit a synopsis below.

Synopsis:

(redacted)


Well, no, a synopsis isn't for my convenience, thanks anyway. A synopsis is what I read after the query letter and the pages I ask for. A synopsis shows me a novel has a beginning, middle and end, and that it doesn't veer totally off track somewhere past page 100. A synopsis is many things but it's not enticing and it's not a query. This isn't enticing and it's not a query either. You've conveyed nothing about the book. This isn't pretentious, it's lazy. I'm both; I know which is which. Form rejection, probably accompanied by a blog post ranting about "queries have to tell me what the book is about."