#213

Dear Query Shark

Amy’s a problematic drinker brooding over a fantasy world and her dead mother. Carrie’s overly uptight and spurns Dean’s hopeless advances. Mitch and Renee are deeply in love, but it’s all in jeopardy.

Egad. Five characters in four sentences and 33 words!  This is textbook "character soup."  Don't do it. The reason you don't want to do this is I don't know where to look or what to remember. It's akin to being introduced to five people in rapid succession, by first names only, at a job interview. Who's important?  Who's the intern and who's the guy actually deciding whether you get the job?

The first paragraph needs to be enticing, not the cast of characters.

Suddenly these problems get even more complex, especially considering they’ve tripped into Amy’s fantasy: Ezrantia. Revelations about her mother send Amy into an alcohol fueled downward spiral. Carrie obsesses over home. Dean is heartbroken. Mitch and Renee run from their fears and into a desert.
Oh, and Ezrantia is crumbling worse than a stale loaf of bread for the pigeons.

I'm absolutely and completely lost right now. This is a very bad thing in a query.

And then there's that stupid prophecy. Those things always make life a living hell.



These five teens and their new friends aren’t ready, mentally or physically, for an oncoming battle with a creeping shadow. Despite friendships, politics, magic, a fortuneteller, faeries and alcohol, they all must prepare. But it’s not easy putting emotions aside, especially those concerning your closest friends.

This is set up. What's the actual problem? Who are the antagonists? What's at stake? 

You're burying the place that the story starts: the oncoming battle. Everything else you've got here is set up or description. What's the plot?

All their new magic seems meaningless in the face of this beastly shadow because they can’t run from their problems forever. Sometimes they chase after you.


PAPER CROWNS, complete at 69,000 words, is a different type of YA fantasy. I’m an avid reader sick of vampires, elves and dragons. Instead I tossed talking animals, booze and bad attitude into the frying pan and am serving up something new.

"sick of vampires, elves and dragons"  I'm sure you are. But your query isn't the place to reveal that. Chances are the agent you're querying is making some pretty nice coin off those books.  While we're all looking for fresh and new, we don't have to trash the stuff that made us money last year.

Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward to any input and possibly working with you in the future.

Simple and elegant is really hard to do. All the reviews of the new Steve Jobs biography mention his insistence on clean, simple and intuitive. Query letters are like that too: simply tell us who the main character is, what problem s/he faces, and what's at stake. It's harder than it sounds, of course, but you've still got to do it.

If you have an ensemble cast, you'd have done well to pay attention to QueryShark #199.

#212-Revised-FTW

Dear QueryShark:

Felix Ramos had always dreamt of working in space, but a journalism degree does not an astronaut make. Given an unlikely opportunity to fulfill his childhood fantasies, he leaps at it, unknowingly launching himself into a place balanced precariously between tedium and terror.

As a human kill switch in an artificial intelligence-managed resource exploration station on one of Saturn’s moons, he finds that ticking boxes and pushing buttons is awful, even when it’s done where no man has gone before. His counterpart and confidant, Cara Moretti, occupies another facility, where she discovered this unpleasantness months ago. Their days are rigidly structured by their employer, the Koyamatsu Interplanetary Development Concern.

And then the Russians invade—or at least Felix swears so, pushed into paranoia as unidentifiable lights and figures flicker on the horizon. These are the opening shots in the campaign of a group of militant conservationists who wish to stop private development in space; Felix soon finds himself the target of cajoling, gaslighting, and bribery for access to his station’s AI core. Deluded into imagining himself as a highly-paid double agent, he begins to make noticeable mistakes.

Cara, meanwhile, discovers that her company hasn’t budgeted for bringing both of its employees home. She’s been cleared to go, but her new friend has not. If she keeps her mouth shut, she knows she’ll see Earth again, but her conscience screams for her to risk abandonment to save his life. Her predicament could become moot, though: Felix has triggered a surprise visit from Koyamatsu, which threatens to aggressively smooth any embarrassing wrinkles in the operation.

Different Atmospheres DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERES is a speculative fiction novel complete at 72,000 words.

Book titles are in caps.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is a stunning turnaround. You've gone from "this is a mess" to "I'd read pages" in ONE revision.

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When two deep space researchers are set up to fail by a ruthless employer on an inhospitable moon, they must decide whether to resign their lives to inertia or fight for uncertain freedom.

This is a log line. Avoid them.

Think about it: it's a false choice. If they resign their lives to inertia, there's no story.

And worse, this kind of log line doesn't entice me to read on. Again, the goal of a query letter is to entice the reader to want more.

Log lines are imported from Hollywood, and they have NO place in query letters. I don't care what any one else says, even normally smart agents. I'm right and they're not. Log lines are of the Devil. Shun them.

Different Atmospheres is 72,000 words of speculative fiction set on Titan, a moon of Saturn covered in hydrocarbon oceans and methane glaciers.

Felix Ramos, young, inexperienced, and idealistic, operates Ontario Station in the southern hemisphere. Cara Moretti, wise, professional, and sick with wasted potential, occupies Kivu Station to the north. As the sole inhabitants of their semi-automated research facilities, the two are dependent on each other for the real-time communication and commiseration that bat back the boredom and depression of isolation.

This is all set up. Unless you're querying a child of six with no background in the science fiction genre either in books or movies, you don't need all the set up. Saturn's moon is enough. We know it's cold. We know it's isolated. (There are days I'd pay good money to work there)

And then the Russians invade--or at least Felix swears so, pushed into paranoia as his station’s computer mysteriously malfunctions. Cara, meanwhile, discovers that her employer hasn’t accounted for bringing both of its researchers back home, which becomes the least of her concerns as a shadowy group of conservationist saboteurs struggles to gain control of the moon.

He's going nuts...and? She finds out it's a one way ticket ...and?  You need the choices and what's at stake for us to care about their situation.

And "shadowy group of conservationist saboteurs" is as one-dimensional description of a villain as I've seen in a while. It's actually a reason I'd reject this even if the writing was any good. Boring villains make boring books.

Thanks for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. No, you probably don't.

This is a mess. Start over. Focus on ACTION not description. Tell us what's at stake and what choices the main characters have to make. Give us a compelling INTERESTING villain.

#211-Revised 7x-for the win!

Dear QueryShark:

Randi needs rock and roll to fuel her rise from the ashes of the past year. She's back on stage fronting her old band, RAPTOR SNATCH, and nothing is going to stand in her way! Certainly not the jealous rival band, Slutmaster - inaccurately named, and hell bent on stealing her place in the spotlight.


They linger at Randi's band's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They cancel her gigs, and accuse her band members of theft. Their weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player.


But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.

Can Randi hold her band – and herself -- together long enough to hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?


RAPTOR SNATCH is an 83,000 word Ccommercial Ffiction.



I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synaesthesia – which isn't an issue until someone plays a wrong note, which makes me want to squirm inside out. It makes for a good live show.


Thanks for your time and consideration.

This query does what it needs to do: entices me to read pages. 

If you look at the first version, it's 265 words. This version is 233.  It was pared down, yes, but the words themselves changed. We lost some great phrases (murder your darlings!) and started in a new place, so this was mostly honing in on specifics and what's important. The right words in the right order.

The trick is not to be able to write this finished query on the first try.  The trick is revise enough to get to this finished query.  Revising is where the writing comes in.


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Dear QueryShark:


Randi needs this musical comeback for more than just professional reasons. Eleven months ago her mentor (who was more like her father) was the victim of a savage random attack. The permanent brain damage he sustained has guaranteed that their relationship will never be the same.

If we start here in the second paragraph we get past all those false starts with "why" and get to "what happens" which is probably a better place to start.

Randi needs rock and roll to fuel her rise from the ashes of the past year. She's finally decided to get busy living, and nNothing is going to stand in her way. Certainly not a thejealous rival band hell bent on stealing her place in the spotlight!

Oh the difference an article makes! A means there are perhaps many. The means there is but one. The also draws our attention: this is the one, pay attention.  I'm not kidding when I tell you that fiercely talented writers obsess over single words. We've had fistfights over words. If you think sharks can't have fistfights, you'd be mistaken.


They linger at Randi's band, RAPTOR SNATCH's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They cancel her gigs, and accuse her band members of theft. Their weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player.

Getting the name of that band in there is tricky. You need it, but it makes the sentence awkward.  I'd suggest you find a way to put it in the preceding paragraph.  You can even give a subtle hint about the crazy name with something like: Nothing is going to stand in her way: not the crazy band name she can't get them to change; certainly not the (not a) jealous ....etc.


But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.

Can Randi hold her band – and herself -- together long enough to hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?




RAPTOR SNATCH, commercial fiction, is complete at 83,000 words.

I always think "it better be complete if you're sending queries" thus you don't need to tell me it is. 


I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which isn't an issue until someone plays a wrong note, which me want to squirm inside out. It makes for a good live show.

Do not touch that last paragraph. It's perfect. 

Thanks for your time and consideration.

You're almost there. Now...is your novel ready? Have you applied all this hard won improvement to the novel itself?  It does you no good to have an enticing query if your novel is still last year's writing.

 

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Dear QueryShark:

Randi needs this musical comeback for more than just professional reasons. Eleven months ago her mentor was the victim of a savage random attack. Randi needs rock and roll to fuel her rise from the ashes of the past year.

Let's get some connective tissue here between her mentor's savage random attack and her ashes.  Why would a senseless random street crime lay her low?


She's finally decided to get busy living, and nothing is going to stand in her way. Certainly not a jealous rival band hell bent on stealing her place in the spotlight!

They linger at Randi's band's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They cancel her gigs, and accuse her  Raptor Snatch band members of theft. Their weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player.

Make sure your reader knows that Raptor Snatch is the name of the band or the title doesn't make sense.

But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.


Can Randi hold her band – and herself together long enough to hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?


RAPTOR SNATCH: commercial fiction, is complete at 83,000 words.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which isn't an issue until someone plays a wrong note, which shorts out my nervous system and brings on contortions resembling the Tarantella.

Umm...that just sounds weird.  Let's get another result here.

This is MUCH better.


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Dear QueryShark:

Randi hopes rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' will cure her depression. Music is more than just a job for Randi – it's the fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing! Well, a jealous rival band is certainly going to try.

There's a disconnect between the last two sentences. "Nothing!" is in Randi's POV. The last sentence isn't.  Can you see it?  This is where you're looking at every single word in a query. Simply by changing "Well, a" to "Certainly not" you keep the same viewpoint. And it flows more smoothly:

Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing! Certainly not a jealous rival band bent on (whatever they are bent on)

See the difference?


They may call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but their combined sexual conquests combined don't equal a trip to third base. What they lack in sexual – and musical -- prowess, they make up for in sabotage.

This is what I mean by polishing.

Slutmaster linger at Raptor Snatch's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They fraudulently cancel some of Raptor Snatch's gigs. They give anonymous tips to night club security accusing Randi's band members of theft. Slutmaster's weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player. But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.

Musically, Raptor Snatch have never been better; they have a real shot at getting signed. But as irritation soars beyond Mariah Carey's vocal range, band members are threatening to quit.  Randi's band is her refuge from the pain in her heart. Slutmaster is being a pain in her ass. It's battle of the bands; off stage edition. 

This says what the preceding paragraph does, only not as well. Ditch it.


Can Randi hold her band – and herself together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?


RAPTOR SNATCH is complete at 81,000 words.


I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

You've got an opportunity here for a really good closing phrase...something that combines music and color. It can't be over the top, but it's got to be more enticing than hoary old "interesting."

Thanks for your time and consideration.

This is much better.  You need to polish it though, and the best way I know to do that is to say the words aloud. If they sound clunky, if it doesn't flow, change it. At this point you're going to be taking out or moving words, or changing syllables.

And I really want you to remember that everything you work on in the query is stuff you MUST also do for the novel. Yes, you're saying the sentences of the query aloud. YES you're saying the sentences in the novel aloud. Maybe not every single one, but at this point, probably a lot of them.

It won't do you any good to have a polished query and a clunky novel.

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Dear QueryShark

Randi is ready to rock. Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. spent in seclusion. She's still emotionally raw from her mentor's accident, but Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing!

Why she is depressed is less important than the fact she is. Cutting away more and more of the extra stuff will give you cleaner, leaner prose.  It also gets you to the last sentence on the up-beat. That's what you want, because that last part of the paragraph is what gets you to the next paragraph. It's like running an obstacle course. You need to hit a jumping off point with enough speed to leap up and  catch the rope to climb up the wall.


Well, a jealous rival band is certainly going to try. They call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but the three members' their sexual conquests combined don't equal a trip to third base. What they lack in sexual – and musical -- prowess, they make up for in sabotage.


From Calling and canceling Raptor Snatch's gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, Slutmaster's weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her lead guitar player.


Her band is supposed to be a refuge from the pain in her heart. Slutmaster is being a pain in her ass. Can Randi hold her band – and herself-- together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?





'Raptor Snatch,' RAPTOR SNATCH a contemporary fiction, is complete at 81,000 words.

Cap titles of books. "a contemporary fiction" isn't what this is.  It's a novel.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting

You've got the pieces in place. We're down to testing each individual word and phrase.  You want elegant and lean prose here.  I've made some suggestions, but this is where the critical element is time. Let this sit for a day or two (at least--a week would be better.)  Then come back to it.  You'll be surprised what you see that you want to change.

This is the part that all too many queriers leave out of the process.  In their hurry to get started they let an almost-good query out the door.  Almost good won't cut it.

Wait

Review.

Polish.

Resend.

Minimum time to elapse: one week.

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Dear QueryShark:

Randi is ready to reclaim her life as an up and coming rock star, after an eleven month hiatus spent wallowing in seclusion. Still raw from the savage beating her mentor received and its long term effects on them both, she comes up with a plan so cunning you could stick fur on it and call it a weasel.

This is a really bland start. There's no zip, no enticement.  Also using "raw" to describe Randi is a mistake since the beating injured someone else.  She may be emotionally raw but another word would be less confusing.

The comments column mentioned that "stick fur on it and call it a weasel" is derivative. I wouldn't worry about it. It's a funny line. However, you never mention what the plan is, and since that's the PLOT or WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR NOVEL that's a pretty glaring oversight.

Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months.

Unless you mean rejoining the band is her cunning plan? Cause...that's not cunning.

Cue the jealous band who call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but the three members' sexual conquests combined don't equal a trip to third base. They think they are Raptor Snatch's rivals, and will stab them in the fronts every chance they get.


From calling and canceling their gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, it's getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy jerk of a lead guitar player.

This sentence is as awkward as I've seen.  You're trying to do too much in one sentence. Have I not been hitting you over the head about the correct order for sentences (subject/verb/object) for 212 queries now?

It's hard to tell what "it's" is the pronoun for.  What is it? Upon reflection it is the pranks pulled by Raptor Snatch's rivals, BUT you never actually mention that. Instead it's hidden in "stab them in the fronts every chance they get."  Which may be a great line, but doesn't actually make any sense.

I have the feeling you're trying to incorporate all the opinions you're getting in the comment column. Do NOT do that.  You can not crowdsource a query or you will end up with a query that walks like a duck, spins like a puck, steals your luck and earns your query a brisk WTF.  You're losing your distinct voice here as you try to spackle and glue all the suggestions in here.

Irritation is a stinky perfume, especially when she wanted Distraction. Can Randi hold her band – and herself together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock phoenix's dream go up in flames?

I'm sorry but WTF?

'Raptor Snatch,' is complete at 81,000 words. This book will appeal to readers who enjoyed Jody Gehrman's 'Summer in the land of skin;' (published 2004)  Erica Orloff's 'Diary of a blues goddess;' (amazon ranking 2.4 million/pubbed before 2003) and Carl Hiaasen's 'Star Island.'

Don't use comp titles that are old. If I sold this book tomorrow it would be published in 2013 (nine/ten years AFTER those first two books)  

Don't use comp titles that aren't selling well.  2.4 million sales ranking means it probably sold ten copies last year, maybe.

Also, I think using Carl Hiaasen or any other utterly distinctive writer sets up unrealistic expectations. I loved Carl Hiaasen for a good long time, and if you tell me I'm going to see something akin to his work here, and I don't, that's a failure of expectation you don't need.

In other words, comp titles can really hurt you. It's ok to leave them out rather than use ones that don't actually help your cause.  

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

This is still the best paragraph of the query. You'll notice all the sentences are in the right order, you're not trying to be clever, you're just being your own clever self.  More of this.


My name is (redacted), and I can be reached at either this email, or by home phone, (redacted)

Don't do this. It sounds like one of those wretched campaign ads "My name is Grover Cleveland and I approved this ad"  Just sign your name and your contact info at the bottom of the email.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Name

Email

Phone

Etceteras

Quit reading the comments. Start over with the query. Be brave enough to be plain.

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Dear QueryShark:

Randi is ready to reclaim her life as an up and coming rock star, after an eleven month hiatus spent wallowing in seclusion. Still raw from her mentor's savage beating

(the way you have this phrased, it sounds like Randi was beaten up by her mentor)

and its long term effects on them both, she comes up with a plan so cunning you could stick fur on it and call it a weasel.

For this line alone, I'd read the book.

Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. Cue jealous band, 'Slutmaster,' whose three members' sexual conquests added up combined wouldn't equal a trip to third base. Backstabbing – and playing their instruments – is too complex for them; they prefer to stab Raptor Snatch in the fronts every chance they get. (the line from the first iteration is better) From calling and canceling their gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, it's irritating but mostly harmless, except for the vicious emotional attack on Randi at a gig one night. Kelvin, her lead guitar player, (and former enemy) jumps to her defense. He also confesses a long time attraction to her, and Randi realizes that hating him has been an empty habit. They begin a relationship which gives Randi the emotional boost she needs to accept life as it is now – perfect in its imperfection – and lead her band in a scorching performance which lands them a record deal.

'Raptor Snatch,' is complete at 78,000 words. This book will appeal to readers who enjoyed Jody Gehrman's 'Summer in the land of skin;' Erica Orloff's 'Diary of a blues goddess;' and Carl Hiaasen's 'Star Island.'



I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

There's no doubt in my mind you are a writer with extraordinary talent. None. What you lack here is  polish. You'll benefit from saying the query out loud to get the rhythm right; as a musician you'll hear when things go clunk, or are off beat in a bad rather than interesting way.

You're also telling a lot of the story; almost all of it in fact. The purpose of a query letter is to ENTICE SOMEONE to read the book, not tell them the entire story.

Give me just enough to make me beg to read more.

Revise. Polish. Resend.

And for godiva's sake, please make sure you don't send another Big Bloc O'Text. It makes your email almost impossible to read. Do NOT Shoot Yourself In the Stax By Doing This.

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Dear Query Shark,

Having once led the wild life of a rock-star, Randi embraced seclusion after her mentor underwent a savage beating which left him mentally handicapped.

This sentence is a perfect example of why I yammer (endlessly!!) about starting with the name of the main character.  When you do that, you'll naturally also get rid of the clause and thus have a stronger opening.

To wit: Randi embraced seclusion after her mentor underwent a savage beating which left him mentally handicapped.

And then you can start to see some problems:  you don't embrace seclusion for starters. You enter it or seek it. And "mentally handicapped" is one of those nicey-nice phrases that really doesn't tell us much. Her mentor most likely doesn't have Downs Down Syndrome or autism. He's most likely got severe head trauma that affected his memory and ability to function.  In other words "not his former self"  Here's where "vegetative state" may be a useful phrase. Impolitic to be sure, but useful.

Months later she needs something to haul her out of her secluded depression. Moving across the country, and rejoining her old band Raptor Snatch seemed like the perfect idea.

Which means everything you've started with is back story. The story starts when she rejoins the band. That's the choice she makes, right?

Of course, there's still the tension between her and Kelvin, the lead guitar player. There's still that other band that call themselves 'Slutmaster,' but the three members' sexual conquests added up wouldn't equal a trip to third base. They can't play their instruments but think they are Raptor Snatch's rivals, and will stab them in the fronts the first chance they get. Immersing herself in the on and off stage insanity of a musician's life is the perfect distraction. What can go wrong when there's a “rival” band trying to sabotage her career at every step? How can sleeping with her guitar playing former enemy be anything but positive? If music soothes the savage beast then Randi had better get singing...

There are a lot of words here but not much useful information about what's at stake.  There's a band that tries to sabatoge her? How? Why does she care? Do they have a reasonable chance to harm her career? Or are they just so annoying her reaction harms her career?

BE SPECIFIC about what choices Randi makes and what's at stake. Without that it's just noise.

'Raptor Snatch' complete at 72,000 words, is a sardonic comedy about an up and coming band and their front-woman's emotional nuclear night, in the midst of sex, drugs and rock and roll.

I recognize all the words, but I'm not sure what they actually mean when you string them all together.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

This bio is the best part of the query. It's funny, charming and honest to god straightforward. More like this. Less like the other stuff.

Start over. Write simple declarative sentences, then add the pretty.

#210-Revised 2x

Dear QueryShark:


Rowan hears the clinking of the iron shackles binding her wrists and curses herself for her foolishness. It is her own fault she is trapped in this holding cell in the castrum of Eboracum. Her consuming thirst for vengeance has landed her in this pit of darkness that reeks of human filth and despair. The stench is overwhelming; it is the stink of her failure. She has twice failed to kill the man responsible for the death of her adoptive father and the annihilation of her tribe: the Bishop Claudius.



She can see the barest traces of light squeezing through the gaps in the door. When that portal opens, she will meet her death. The question is will she die by the hands of Roman legionnaires or will Claudius deal with her personally? Only she knows the truth about him. The foundation of power he has carefully built through deceit and murder could crumble if she opens her mouth.



A small ember of hope flares in her breast. There is another weapon at her disposal, one more powerful than forged steel. She was born with the ability to move objects without touch, but there is a darker side to this power, a black gift she has kept this locked away since she was a child. Killing Claudius has proven to be a difficult task. Perhaps unleashing her rage and hate may be the key to his downfall.





ROWAN OF THE MOOR is historical (with paranormal elements) complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone novel set in fourth-century Roman occupied Britain and written from multiple (you MUST tell me how many if you mention this) points of view, mainly those of Rowan and Claudius.

There's a big difference between 16 and 4 points of view. The alternative is to NOT mention the number at all.  

This is  a LOT better than the previous iteration. It clearly needs some polishing up (ember of hope?) but this is much closer to where you want to be.  Good work.

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Dear QueryShark:


Rowan may have been gifted with foresight and telekinetic abilities, but she must hide these curses under the guise of a boy. (Why?) Brittani and Romans may have coexisted somewhat peacefully for nearly three centuries, but Rowan's kind has been hunted near to extinction. (Why?) If she were exposed as a druid, even worse a female druid, her life would be forfeit. (Why?) If the Romans she lives among knew she could kill with a mere thought, they would never rest until she has been destroyed, or worse, enslaved and used for selfish gain. (AHA!)


You see from the insertions above that it isn't until the very last sentence that you actually tell me something enticing. In other words, start with that. Start with where the protagonist has a problem with something at stake. 

You've also got some really clunky writing going on here: If the Romans she lives among for starters.

After she has a horrific vision of death and names the powerful Bishop Claudius as the murderer, she is exiled by her adoptive father. Hurt and angry Rowan represses her abilities and searches for her mother's people. She finds an abandoned village, a half-mad uncle, and even more questions about her past. When she discovers she was sired by Claudius, she believes herself to be tainted, evil, and sinks into a deep depression until a visit from a familiar apparition snaps her back to life.

There's a puzzling failure of logic here: "she represses her abilities." If she can repress her abilities why doesn't she do it long before the stakes got so high?

What familiar apparition?

And so far, she doesn't seem to be in much danger.

Rowan follows Claudius to the Roman city of Eboracum. She will stop at nothing to avenge her slain family and the man who had adopted her, even if she must commit murder and unleash a power she secretly fears and cannot control. Death would be preferable than failure, especially if Claudius carries out his plans for Britannia.

What? I thought Rowan was hanging out in the woods with the mad Uncle? And when did Dad kick the bucket?

That's the problem with too many events in a query: you don't have enough room to connect the dots. You end up with a string of events not a plot. That's what you've got here, and it's the reason this would be a form rejection.



ROWAN OF THE MOOR is a Historical (with paranormal elements) single novel of 100,000 words and takes place in fourth-century, Roman occupied Britain.

I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

I like the original version much better. This is a mess. It's full of events but no stakes. Rowan doesn't seem all that interesting beyond her ability to kill people with a single thought, which she doesn't appear to know how to wield with with any degree of control, or wouldn't Claudius be like dead already?

The first version was something I haven't seen a lot of. This version feels like last week's yogurt.

I'm not going to tell you what to do; it's up to you.
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For the life of me, I can't seem to write a query from the main character's POV. I've tried it from the antagonist's side and find that I like this much better:

Dear QueryShark:

Claudius has always gained what he desired through murder and manipulation. Disguised as a priest, the former druid claws his way to through the Christian church in only a few years.

If he's disguised, he's not an actual priest. If he's working his way up the church hierarchy, the Cardinals and  head honchos*** and Pope would have to think he's the real deal. And the Church keeps records.  

He is now a bishop and sought after by the rich, Roman peerage of Britannia for his wondrous ‘miracles’. Claudius cannot help but laugh. These sheep do not know the difference between God’s work and dark magic. He is now bored and covets a new title: archbishop to the Roman city of Eboracum. When he kills the previous possessor of that position, Claudius realizes he made a mistake when he allows a boy who witnesses the murder to live.

He knew he should have killed that brat when he had the chance. This boy, Rowan, is not a he, but a she … and Claudius’ bastard daughter. She is a bandrui, a female druid, driven to avenge her clan and her adoptive father all whom he had helped destroy years ago. She is a formidable enemy with power that surpasses his own- and this is a battle he cannot afford to lose. He has no choice; she must die. When she is gone, all of Britannia will bow to him, just as before.

I didn't know all of Britannia bowed to him before. Surely that's his goal, not what has already happened?

ROWAN OF THE MOOR is a Paranormal/Historical (with romantic elements) single novel of 100,000 words and takes place in fourth-century, Roman occupied Britain.

You've got three categories here. And since I'm absolutely positive that Rowan and Claudius are not the romantic element, you can surely leave that out.  

I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

I think this is a pretty good query letter as it stands. The paranormal stuff is going to move it off my request list but I can see someone reading pages on this pretty easily.

But your note at the start makes me pause.  If you can't write about the main character (and you don't say who it is but my guess is Rowan) you might need to think about the book differently.  Maybe Claudius is the main character. He's certainly interesting enough. And he thinks he's the hero of this story, no doubt.

Query letters can do a lot of things, including make you crazy, but one of the unexpected things is it can reveal problems with the actual novel.

If  Claudius is the main character we'll certainly need to understand why he is doing what he's doing and he'll certainly need to do some character development.  You might need another pass at the novel with this re-focus in mind.

Your problem here isn't the query. 


***my lack of knowledge of the 4th Century church is pretty clear here. Commenter caught it.