#225-Revised 7x

Seventh revision


Dear Query Shark:

Still rReeling from the sudden death of her mom, eleven-year-old Avery just wants to find that “new normal.” But, dDuring a summer-camp scavenger hunt, she looks up the call number of a book her father wrote, and discovers something unusual: his library record contains no death date. While she’d always wished to know her dad, he died before she was born. But maybe there is hope she could have a parent again. did he?


Because you start the next paragraph with "this mystery" you want the mystery mentioned in that last sentence. 

Faced with this mystery, Avery investigates the college campus where her dad taught while she’s visiting there and staying with her much older brother for the summer. When she discovers an air-duct passageway down into the library vaults, she digs into her dad’s off-limits collection. What could be so distinctive about his items that they need to be locked up?

You don't need every detail of why she's there in the query. There's room enough for that in the book.


But the library has more mysteries than Avery expects. Old yearbook photos and day planners hint at secrets that have already ripped her family apart, including a divorce and a concealed pregnancy. When she discovers her mom was not her biological mother, nor the man she always assumed to be her father, her dad, Avery feels betrayed by the only parent she’s ever known.

Leave some of the secrets for the book. You really only need the one about Mom not being Mom, because that leads to the feeling betrayed.



Frightened by this new future, Avery must face the revelation of lies and deception that are destroying everything she thought she knew. If she can figure out why her mother lied and cheated her out of knowing her real father, she might be able to find forgiveness and face her new normal with someone she’s always wanted: a dad. If Avery can’t find the answers, she is left with an uncertain future and an unknowable past.

DARCY TOWERS is my debut upper middle grade contemporary novel, complete at 49,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,



I'm in awe of the VAST improvement this revision has over the preceding efforts. You've done VERY good work here.


With just a bit more polishing, I think you've got a good query.


Your job now is to make absolutely apple-pie sure that your novel reflects all this improvement. There is nothing worse from my perspective than a very good query and initial pages that go splat.


Everything you worked on here should be applied to your novel.
















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Revision #6

Dear QueryShark,

Eleven-year-old Avery’s life-long wish has been to meet her Dad just once, but he died before she was even born. That’s what she always thought until the day she typed his name into the computer at the library. To her shock and surprise not only is there a record for his diaries, but the library entry has no “death date” listed.



You don't need "that's what she always thought" because your reader can intuit that from "he died before was born."


You don't need "to her shock and surprise" because you don't need to state the obvious.

And the rest of those words come out cause you don't need them.  61 words become 49, but more important the paragraph doesn't clunk.


You've GOT to be able to see clunk when you're revising. Clunk is too many words, stating the obvious, awkward.  The ONLY way to get rid of clunk is to revise. Everyone clunks on the first draft. (I know I do.)



Determined to find clues about her Dad’s possible existence, Avery decides to investigate the college campus where he used to work while she’s visiting there during her summer vacation. When she discovers an air-duct passageway down into the library vaults, and she digs into her dad’s ‘off-limits’ collection.

But the library has even more mysteries than Avery expects. Old yearbook photos and day planners reveal a huge secret that has already ripped her family apart and means her recently deceased mom is not her mom.


Yikes! This is getting interesting!


Terrified of this new future, Avery must face the years of lies and deception shrouding her life. Finding and confronting her father, who had abandoned her and shirked his responsibilities, is suddenly the last thing she wants to do. All she wants is a families’ family's love and if she doesn’t find it that would be worse than losing her mom all over again.




Families' and family's are not the same word.  This kind of homonym makes me INSANE and the chances of looking past it to see the merit of the novel are very very close to zero.  

A good punch line is hardly ever a compound sentence.

DARCY TOWERS, my debut middle grade novel is a contemporary mystery and is complete at 47,500 words. I believe readers of DESTINY REWRITTEN or GENIE WISHES would enjoy this book.

Thank you for your time and consideration.






This is better, but the revisions I'm suggesting here are things you've GOT to get out of your novel too.  If I read this query and then found clunky pages it wouldn't take long to get a rejection letter.  You want a good query for a good manuscript.

Revise. Pay attention to the rhythm of your sentences. If they sound clunky they ARE! 




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Revision #5

Dear Query Shark:

With the recent death of her mom and then being dumped by her aunt onto her much older brother, eleven-year-old Lauren Tatterman’s world is shattered. Her secret wish of having her dad rescue her from 'this life' has grown even stronger. But she knows that could never happen since he died before she was even born. Or at least that’s what Lauren’s always believed.

That first sentence is a real jawbreaker. The first sentence of a query needs to grab an agent's attention and not let go till s/he's finished reading the entire manuscript. This sentence does not do that.

Think short and punchy. That always helps. Start with Lauren too, not a dead mom and an uncaring aunt.

That is until the day she typed his name into the computer at the library and uncovered a clue about his possibly being alive.

This is a grammar grinder sentence. Doesn't it sound awkward to your ear?

I can't over stress how hard it is to write simple declarative sentences. Those sentences are grabbers. Grammar grinders are not.

Consider this: Lauren Tatterman had been told her father was dead. Today, noodling around on her computer, she types his name into a search engine. Suddenly, she's not so sure what to believe. Is her father alive?

Do you see the difference?

If that's your opening paragraph, you bypass all the back story (a good thing) and get to the heart of the matter.

Lauren’s determination to get to the truth about her dad leads her on a zig-zagged journey across the college campus where she’s staying (with her brother) for the summer. With the discovery of an When she discover an air-duct passageway down into the library vaults, Lauren digs into her dad’s papers and dairies. (really, he keeps cows in the card catalog?)  Will she be able to figure out the truth or maybe even a hint about why he left in the first place?

She hopes that finding him might mean getting to live the dream-castle life she always imagined he’d want to give her...

But the library has even more mysteries than Lauren expected. Old yearbook photos and day planners reveal a huge secret that has already been ripping her family apart. And when the FBI arrives to ask questions, everything she’s ever known starts to unravel. Opening her heart to the truth might mean destroying her one chance of having her very own dad – or would it?

The might in the sentence eliminates the need for "or would it."


DARCY TOWERS, my first middle grade contemporary mystery, is complete at 45,750 words. This is a stand-alone novel with series potential.

While I am a writer at night, I am an academic librarian by day. The setting of this novel takes place entirely on a university campus. I believe it would be a fun read for any middle grader, especially those who have older siblings in college or are just curious about a completely different lifestyle and place.
My first chapter, per your instructions, are pasted in below. Thank you again for your time and consideration.


 I don't get any sense of Lauren here. This all seems very remote from her. I don't get any sense of fun either, and the middle grade books I've read have all had elements of fun.  When I think of the books I read in middle school, my favorites were all pretty funny (Homer Price, anyone?)

This query isn't ready yet.




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Revision #4

Dear Query Shark,

Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman always dreamed of meeting her Dad. Sadly, he died four months before she was born.  While on summer vacation her camp group visits a college library and she discovers that he might still be alive!

And here's where you see that the revision from #3 still just isn't quite right.  You've used the exact wording I suggested last time. When you looked at it did you think "aha! That's it!" or did you think "well, that's what she SAID to say so here it is?"  I'm guessing the latter, because it's still not quite right.

Let's try this:  Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman discovers the dad she's been told died before she was born might still be alive.

Now THAT is a sentence to entice one to read on, no?  But it takes four revisions and paying attention to the inner voice that says "not quite right" no matter what anyone else (no matter how sharkly) says.

A secret passageway from the library into the archive vault leads to her Dad’s ‘off-limits’ papers and dairies. Will she be able to figure out where he might be hiding or maybe find a message to her about why he left in the first place? 

I hate secret passageways. They are cliché. Does it have to be secret? Why can't it just be long-neglected, or revealed during renovation or something that doesn't require too much suspension of disbelief?

Finding him might mean living the dream-castle life she always imagined he’d want give her. Not this life she has now, with no Mom, a much older brother and an Aunt who doesn’t seem to want her around anymore. The documents are unfortunately just that: boring old notes about experiments, meetings, and endless columns of numbers.

But the library has more secrets than Lauren expected. And when a social worker and an FBI agent arrive to ask questions and begin making arrests Lauren must choose between chasing a dream or destroying what little family she has left.

DARCY TOWERS is a completed, contemporary Middle Grade at 48,500 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think you might be pretty close to a good query.  How's the book? Focused? Starting at the right place? All the things you've revised in the query should be used for revising your book too.

Nothing breaks my heart like a terrific query and not-up-to-snuff pages.  Seriously.

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Revision # 3
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Dear Query Shark,

Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman has always dreamed of meeting her Dad. Unfortunately he died one month before she was even born.  When her camp group goes to visit the library on the college campus where she’s staying for the summer she discovers a computer file stating just the opposite: That he is still alive!

This is much better than the previous iterations.  We get right to the point where Lauren's life changes.

That said, there's some paring down to be done here:

Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman has always dreamed of meeting her Dad. Unfortunately he died one a month before she was even born.  When her camp group goes to visits the a college campus library on the college campus where she’s staying for the summer she discovers a computer file stating just the opposite: That he is still her dad is alive!

Do you see the difference?
 
With hopes of him being a famous rock star or millionaire, Lauren refuses to believe her older brother’s declarations that the library is wrong.

This sentence doesn't really work very well.  We go from "he's alive" to "hey, he might be cool" and then to her brother being a wet blanket.  This is zagging when it should be zigging. Each sentence should flow in to the next.

Start at the library instead:

Discovering a A secret passageway into from the library and down into the archive vaults, leads Lauren is determined to find the truth. If she can get access to her Dad’s ‘off-limits’ papers and dairies. There might be something indicating his location. Maybe even a message to her about why he left in the first place? But the documents are just that, boring notes about old experiments, meetings, and endless columns of numbers.

It isn’t until she finds the last box, stashed away in “the cage,’ that she begins to unravel the mystery behind her own family and possibly the location of her father.

 And here's where you go splat: what's at stake?  She wants to find her dad..what bad thing happens if he's really alive? What worse thing happens if he isnt'? What bad thing will happen to her if she discovers the truth?  What worse thing will happen if she doesn't?

 
DARCY TOWERS is a completed, contemporary Middle Grade at 44,500 words. It takes place on a college campus, in a college town.

Without the explanation of why Lauren is on the college campus (which is not in this version) it's better to leave this info out.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is better but it's not enticing yet. You've got to have stakes to create tension. 

Revise. Resend.
 


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Revision #2
Dear QueryShark:

Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman is stuck living with her much older brother in a college dorm for the summer. It was a rushed, last minute plan when her aunt sped off to England without her. And now all Lauren wants is peace – to cherish the memories of her recently deceased mother. Finding a secret passageway into the university library offers promises of just that: some much needed alone time.

The problem here is voice. The words you use to describe what Lauren wants don't sound like an 11-year-old. "Peace" is what moms with a passel of loinfruit at their feet want.  "Leave me alone" is what a kid might say.

"Cherish the memoirs of her recently deceased mom"--same problem.

You're not writing this letter in the voice of your protagonist but the words you use to describe what she's thinking or what she wants to do have to sound like words a kids would use.

But the solitude of the library at night proves to be just the opposite with campus rumors of a resident homeless man, an even bigger cover-up of a library heist and worst of all: secrets about her own family. Risking discovery by the campus police, or worse yet, “big brother bossy-pants” himself, Lauren sets out to unravel the mystery behind her own birth. But it isn’t until she stumbles upon hush-hush online chats and texts between her aunt and older brother that she realizes what little family she has left might be gone forever.

 You've got too much going on here. What's the first point in the story where Lauren has to change something or take action or make a choice? That's the place to focus on.

With the help of a roll of duct tape, a Tupperware of spaghetti and a mother cow from the campus research labs Lauren finally realizes what she was looking for all along – and it was what she already had.

You've given away all the tension here. If I know how it ends, why will I want to read it to find out what happens next? 

I do love the idea that duct tape solves a problem. I love duct tape. Did you know it comes in colors?

DARCY TOWERS is a contemporary middle grade completed at 43,300 words. I am an academic librarian working on a university campus and after reading an agent's tweet once which stated one must write what they know, I was inspired to write this. After viewing your agency's website and what you're looking for and following you on Twitter, I'm hoping Lauren  and her kindhearted spirit might fin her way into your heart.

I was all ready to correct fin to find then realized of course, it was intentional.  That's the kind of subtle writing I love.

Also, don't write what you know. Write what you want to find out about. Write what you care passionately about. Write what you love or want to love, or hate, or think everyone should hate along with you

Write what you know would leave us all in the same stagnant pond forever.  You have to write beyond that. You have to leap into the Ocean of the Unknown and swim with the Sharks, chum.

And of course, no matter why you wrote this, you leave that out. I don't care.  Opinions vary on this (Jenny Bent likes to see why people were motivated to write their books for example) but I don't give a fig.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

You've got the word count under control now, which is good. Now let's get some voice, and some honing on the plot.

Revise, resend!

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Revision #1


Dear QueryShark:


Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman just wants to pass through her summer to get to the other side. After the death of her mom and the unexpected departure of her aunt to England, she’s stuck living with her much older brother in a dorm room on a college campus. The discovery of a secret passageway into the library and a secret room on the third floor is just what she needed for some alone time until her aunt returns.

This first paragraph is 79 words-almost 1/3 of the total but all it does is set the scene. 

Consider: 

Eleven year old Lauren Tatterman is stuck living with her much older brother in a dorm room on a college campus this summer.

23 words but more important---now I'm wondering why she's there.

But when fancy, old pictures and small booklets begin appearing mysteriously and Lauren realizes they aren’t just a “Heavenly gift” sent from her mom, she begins to investigate. What she discovers is that a large, university library is full of secrets: including a resident homeless man and a massive robbery operation. Things begin to get really serious though when Lauren uncovers photos in the library about her own past that match up with the recent flurry of secretive texts, emails and chats flying back and forth between her brother and her aunt. There is something they don't want her to know!

101 words. And all of them can be condensed to: her brother and her aunt are hiding something from her. Something she's afraid will destroy the small family she has left. Lauren must investigate to find out what no one's telling her before it's too late.

That's clunky writing but you get the idea. Pare down to essentials.

Suddenly her summer of laying low is gone as she sets out to foil the criminals and hunt down the truth about her past. Lauren realizes priceless items might be taken from the library for good and worse yet, what small family she has left might be destroyed.

DARCY TOWERS is a completed contemporary Middle Grade at 37,000 words. After reviewing your agency’s website and what you’re looking for and following you on Twitter I am hoping Lauren Tatterman and her kindhearted spirit might find her way into your heart.

This is better but it's still not there.

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Original query

Dear Query Shark,

Most students start college right after high school, so they are 18 or 19 years old. Some smarty-pants might graduate early and are 16 or 17 when they arrive on campus. Lauren Tatterman went to college one month after her 11th birthday.

And that was last week.

We don't need the set up of "most kids" or even "smarty pants" kids.  Start with the only one who matters: Lauren.

After the unexpected death of her mother, 11 year old Lauren Tatterman is doomed to spend her summer as a Coyote Kids Camper at Eastern State University. She has to live Living with her 27 year old brother, after the unexpected death of her mother. He who is the Residence Hall Director of Darcy Towers, the largest dorm on campus, .  Lauren is determined to make Mr. Bossy-pants' life miserable.

Here's where you go splat. Why is she determined to make Mr. Bossy-pants life miserable?  She's 11. At this point every adult in her life bosses her around. What's changed? What's different now? 

But when fire alarms, a tiny, injured rabbit and the campus library theives (when it's clear you didn't run spell check on your query, you contribute to global warming because it makes sharks weep hot salty tears) all collide Lauren realizes she has finally reached her goal of arriving at the fifth stage of the grieving process: acceptance.

And there's a sentence to choke a horse.

The reason this query would get a pass from me is that you've got more than one of these horse chokers and that's DEATH in a middle grade novel.  

But is that really what she wanted? Only a mother cow with a plate glass window in her side who lives in the vet teaching pastures knows for sure.

That's one helluva disturbing image for ME and I'm not in 5th grade. You can have something like that in a book, but you'll need time to prepare the reader for it.  I suggest it's NOT a good image for a query where you don't have any prep time at all.

DARCY TOWERS is a completed contemporary Middle Grade at 37,000 words. I am a member of SCWBI and have spent 15 years living "at college" as well, having seen it all, including the cow with the plate glass window in her side. After reviewing your agency's website and what you're looking for and following you on Twitter I am hoping Lauren Tatterman and her kindhearted spirt minght find its way into your heart.

As you know I'm reluctant to close with anything but thank you for your time and consideration but if you must be nice, this is the way to do it. 

Sincerely,

Focus on getting your sentences under control and showing us more about Lauren's state of mind.

This is a form rejection. Revise. Resend.