Dear Query Shark,
Niall Lewis is in the high school of his dreams. His classes utilize the world’s most advanced virtual reality systems—for true hands-on learning. Living in a time when most jobs are done by advanced AI’s, this rare school guarantees a career that can pull a family out of basic government income and have a better life. Niall wants that life, and everything is perfect until a deleterious glitch impacts his scores.
I have a real thing about the word impact. To my eye, you need a glitch has an impact on his scores. Other people probably don't care, and there's no way to know which agent you're querying has weird word quirks (another one of mine is safe deposit box) but just be aware that "impact" can be a tricky word. Also deleterious and glitch mean much the same thing. Neither of these are deal breakers; I just notice.
Though he works hard, Niall consistently receives lower grades than his peers; so low that he risks expulsion in a school that demands student excellence. With an artistic prodigy for a sister, Niall played the role of academic genius, so his family could be proud of him too. If he is expelled they will learn of his deception.
Ok, I'm now confused. If he played the role of an academic genius, how did he pull that off if he wasn't?
Also, we've gotten pretty far into the query letter here with no sense of the plot.
When Niall seeks help, he becomes aware the glitch is no accident and that he faces permanent purgatory in the basic income system and his family discovering his ruse unless he remains silent.
You'll be better off deleting that second paragraph and getting right to this one.
Niall keeps silent and does the work of two people just to stay enrolled. He sacrifices his relationship, friendships, family, and sleep for passing scores while continually questioning if it is worth it. He wants a better future, but someone is taking that chance away. Niall speaks out asking, who and why?
The problem is there isn't enough that's interesting or different here. He wants good grades; something (unspecified) is getting in the way. There's not much to catch my interest here.
Discovering the truth opens Pandora’s box and leads him on an adventure he never expected.
It seems like this is where the plot is, and the rest of what you're talking about is just set-up.
SILENT GOLDEN EAGLE is an 84,000 word YA novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
You've still got the same problems you did on the original and first revision. You're not specific enough about the plot to engage a reader's interest.
Ditch this, start over with what happens when Pandora's box gets opened.
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Dear Query Shark,
Niall Lewis is in the high school of his dreams. His classes utilize the world’s most advanced virtual reality systems—for true hands-on learning. Everything is perfect until a deleterious glitch impacts his scores.
This just isn't punchy enough to grab my attention. You're telling me half of what happened: a glitch affects his scores. How, and why should I care? A glitch that drops .01 from his GPA doesn't seem too terrible, unless that .01 is a matter of life and death.
Though he works hard, Niall consistently receives lower grades than his peers; so low that he risks expulsion in a school that demands student excellence. When Niall seeks help, he becomes aware the glitch is no accident and that he faces dire consequences unless he remains silent.
So far we've got failing grades and being tossed out of school. This just isn't enough to carry a plot.
Get to what the dire consequences are, and you'll need to be specific here, to get and keep a reader's attention.
You seem to be avoiding the obvious: someone wants Niall gone. Why?
Niall keeps silent and does the work of two people just to stay enrolled. He sacrifices his relationship, friendships, family, and sleep for passing scores while continually questioning if his dream is worth it.
What dream?
At this point I've stopped reading because you're not talking about a book that sounds enticing.
Struggling to maintain his silence, Niall reaches a breaking point and speaks out. Barely avoiding expulsion, a series of events leads him to a secret file that not only explains the glitch but also uncovers a neurological program capable of nefarious motives for his school and the world.
You're too far in to the book at this point. A query should be about the first act, not the climax of the book.
And "a neurological program capable of nefarious motives for his school and the world." is mind bogglingly confusing.
To rescue the students from the brainwashing, Niall must take matters into his own hands. He devises a plan to keep his place at the school and stop the mastermind behind the insidious scheme.
When his plan fails, he learns he must choose either the easiest path or the road less traveled.
Again, this is the climax of the book.
SILENT GOLDEN EAGLE is an 84,000 word YA novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
This is still too abstract to be interesting.
Your main character has to want something. It sounds here like Niall wants to stay in this school. Why?
Sometimes it's clear why a protagonist wants something. Here it's not. What's so special about this school? Why is he so dead set on staying here? And why does someone want him gone?
Those answers need to be clear, and specific in this query.
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Question: I know the first four words are a mouthful to describe my protagonist, but I don’t want to explain the eight different cohorts with unnecessary backstory. I mention Golden Eagle cohort solely to help explain the title. Is it worth mentioning?
Dear Query Shark,
Golden Eagle cohort freshman Niall Lewis is in the high school of his dreams until a glitch in his first virtual reality class threatens everything he has earned. The glitch prevents him from receiving the high ranks necessary to stay enrolled and when he tries to get help from the school he is warned to keep silent or be expelled.
By ranks do you mean grades or marks? Even if you use ranks in the book it will help you here to use grades or marks because your reader will know what you mean without having to stop and think about it. Ranking and ranks mean different things, and I paused at "ranks" to make sure I understood what you meant. That is NOT something you want me doing here.
Niall chooses to keep silent because going home means failure. Things only get worse when he is accused of cheating in a league quest. Niall’s league rank suffers even though he is cleared when an equipment malfunction is found.
And here you use rank in what seems like a different way than you use it above. I'm following what you're talking about but my confidence in the clarity of your writing is taking a beating. Again, NOT what you want.
Exhausted from doing the work of two people just to stay enrolled, helping his league move back up in the ranking, being taunted by rival league bullies, and under pressure from his family, he finally breaks his silence. Barely avoiding expulsion, a series of events leads to the discovery of a secret file on a terminated neurological program that explains the origination of his glitch. In the wrong hands, this hidden technology could have nefarious consequences for the world.
Where did this "work of two people" come from?
You're using league here in a way that is different to my eye from the precediing paragraph.
I'm all in favor of nefarious consequences, but honestly, they have to be consequences for Niall to count as what's at stake here.
Knowing that exposing the glitch is no longer just about rank or enrollment, Niall must take matters into his own hands. With no one willing to listen, he devises a plan to keep his place at the school, help his friends, and stop the mastermind behind the insidious scheme.
Insididious schemes are even better than nefarioius consequences! These are the only phrases with zip and vitality. The rest feels mushy.
SILENT GOLDEN EAGLE is an 83,000 word YA novel with sci-fi fantasy elements.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
To answer your question: you don't need to use anything in the query that will explain the title. We're used to not knowing what a title means until we're knee-deep in the book.
But the problem here isn't how you describe Niall, or the title. The problem is there's nothing at stake for Niall, and I'm pretty confused about what's going on.
If you find yourself needing a paragraph to exlain a sentence, you've got the wrong sentence.
Revise, resend.
