Dear Query Shark,
I can see the future. Great, right?
Not really.
Five minutes. That's what I get. Five minutes of the future.
Five minutes of fog so thick I can barely see, and, most often, vomit-inducing nausea to greet me when I come back to the present.
It's okay though. It's taken half my life for me to get a grip on this thing I call the Vision, but I've gotten used to it. Got a buddy to clean up after me. Got a girl. Well, she's a hooker, so I suppose
I bought a girl. Even scraped out a decent little life finding the occasional winning slot machine.
At least, it was okay. Until I started seeing the murders.
FIVE MINUTES is complete at just under 56,000 words. I'd be happy to provide a partial or complete manuscript for further review.
Thanks in advance for your consideration,
Holy moly, forget the critique, send this to me, all of it, at once. Word .doc attachment since I read everything on my spiffy new Kindle. NOW. I'm waiting.
Here's the critique: This arrived at 9:19am in my SharkTank mailbox. My normal procedure is a quick scan to make sure it's something I will consider (the shark doesn't chew on non-fiction or memoir, or picture books.) I read this, and posted it at once because I want to read it right now. That's EXACTLY the response you want in an agent: NOW! send NOW!
I was immediately drawn to the voice. It's vibrant and full of energy. More than anything I look for voice.
I don't even care that it's written in the voice of the protagonist, something that is mostly viewed as a gimmick.
I don't care there isn't much here in the way of description. The rudiments of a conflict or a dilemma are here: the murders. I can intuit that's a problem for the main character.
I don't care there's nothing else here, no pub creds, no bio, no nothing. I will read this with alacrity because it has the one essential thing: voice.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
#85
Dear Query Shark
Frank, a recent graduate from the Young Gods Academy, has been assigned to manage a small, lower level planet on the outskirts of the universe.
Frank has always been awkward and accident prone, and, while at the Academy, lived in the shadow of his handsome best friend Kris. He was hoping for a fresh start, but the inhabitants of his new planet are not very god-friendly and the previous god made a mess of the maintenance.
When Kris visits unexpectedly, Frank hopes he would help with fixing up the planet, but his friend involves Frank’s unconventional – and unpopular – mother secretly, placing the planet’s future – and Frank’s career - in jeopardy. With the help of a group of celestials fond of the planet, Frank has to thwart his mother's plans and save his small planet from complete annihilation.
Young Gods is complete at 54000 words.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best wishes,
I'd read this cause it sounds funny, and it's got voice.
I look for voice before almost everything else.
Frank, a recent graduate from the Young Gods Academy, has been assigned to manage a small, lower level planet on the outskirts of the universe.
Frank has always been awkward and accident prone, and, while at the Academy, lived in the shadow of his handsome best friend Kris. He was hoping for a fresh start, but the inhabitants of his new planet are not very god-friendly and the previous god made a mess of the maintenance.
When Kris visits unexpectedly, Frank hopes he would help with fixing up the planet, but his friend involves Frank’s unconventional – and unpopular – mother secretly, placing the planet’s future – and Frank’s career - in jeopardy. With the help of a group of celestials fond of the planet, Frank has to thwart his mother's plans and save his small planet from complete annihilation.
Young Gods is complete at 54000 words.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best wishes,
I'd read this cause it sounds funny, and it's got voice.
I look for voice before almost everything else.
#84-Revised twice
Revision 2:
Dear Query Shark,
The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.
Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia. At least she'd have her childhood hero, Professor Robert Harmon M.D., her former stepfather and the man who cured her otherwise terminal illness, to guide her along the way.
Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Putnam University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate settles into her new life in academia, Dr. Rob and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the group and their preternatural condition. A feat made more difficult by the bizarre murders plaguing the University and Kate's unusual immunity to their hypnotic powers.
To make matters worse, Kate's falling in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one -- her mysterious visions of a vampiric chivalrous knight or the ever present letch, oozing sex appeal and lustful abandon.
As with most lawyers, who always seem to find out what you least want them to know, Kate soon discovers the true nature of the Covenant. Worse still, the Covenant's enemies and rival vampires realize that Kate, and her unusual immunity to vampiric powers, pose a threat to themselves and a weapon against the Covenant. Kate has no choice but to seek the Covenant's protection.
With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them, Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.
As Kate fights for her very life,(cliche!!) she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted ex-stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?
Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance.The full manuscript is available upon request. (of course it is!) I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Putnam University.
Very Truly Yours,
There's more of your wit showing through in this one.
There's a huge debate in our office about whether vampires are dead (ha). What I mean of course, is whether the vampire category is last year's hot topic. I'm not taking anything vampiric unless it's a wildly new approach just cause the editors I talk to always need to hear something very new and fresh right now.
To that end you might focus less on the backstory and more on the reason's Kate survived cancer. Get to the fresh and original part and focus there.
-------------------------------------------------
REVISION 1:
Dear Query Shark:
The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.
What is she?
Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia.
Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Hudson University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the murders plaguing the University since her arrival.
He's her ex-physician? He's a physician and her ex-stepfather, most likely. Consider: Her former stepfather, physician Dr. Robert Harmon and his secret vampire society.
Why do they care if she knows?
To make matters worse, Kate's fallen in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one.
Why? She's having vampire orgies?
With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them (them who?), Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.
Why does falling in love with a vampire make her an enemy of the secret vampire society. If anything, it's rather flattering isn't it? You haven't mentioned that perhaps she's come into some dangerous knowledge about the murders.
As Kate fights for her very life, she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?
Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance. The full manuscript is available upon request. I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.
Unless you get money from someone for calling this place Hudson University, I wouldn't. We all know it's the Law & Order name for Columbia. There are a lot of other perfectly good names for Universities: Query Shark College comes to mind instantly.
Very Truly Yours,
I'm very impressed with the improvement but you need another polish, maybe two.
--------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
(name) ESQ.
ATTORNEY AND COUNSELOR AT LAW
(address) New York 10541
TELEPHONE: (redacted) (email redacted)
FACSIMILE: (redacted)
October 20, 2008
VIA Email to (Query Shark)
Submissions: Attn. Query Shark
Re: Submission for BLOODLINES: A Hudson University Novel
You've squandered the first 16 lines of your email with your return address and the date. My email window shows the first 20 lines of an email.
Don't do this.
ALL email queries should have your contact info at the conclusion of the email.
Dear Query Shark:
Nothing could have prepared Kate Harmon, a childhood cancer survivor and recent law school graduate, for the passionate and dangerous world of her stepfather’s past when she leaves behind the glitz of her mother’s Hollywood life to take a teaching position with him in the hallowed halls of Hudson University. Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance thriller and the first in the Hudson University series. The full manuscript is available upon request.
There's no such thing as a paranormal romance thriller. Categories are "paranormal romance" or "thriller" or "urban fantasy" or "commercial fiction". One or two words. No more.
Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae. Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery. All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival. Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life. As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both. Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?
This large block of text is literally unreadable on a computer screen. It's like a big inkblot.
White space is CRUCIAL in an email query.
Compare the above to this:
Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae.
Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down.
Well, I'm not sure how "a quiet life of introspection" fits in with "live in faculty mentor" but ok.
While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery.
You've got six characters introduced in fewer than 100 words. This is a common mistake in queries: trying to get everything on the page. Focus. Your main character. What's her problem? What choices does she face? What's her dilemma? Leave out all the rest.
All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival.
Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life.
As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both.
Do you mean allied against her? Allay means to calm a strong emotion, for example, anger, or diminish and set at rest somebody’s fears or suspicions; or, to relieve or reduce the severity of pain or a painful emotion.
Misusing words is one of the things that sends a query letter to the rejection pile no matter how enticing the subject matter may be. Words are your tools and if you aren't using them correctly, it bodes ill for the novel.
Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?
I thought the Covenant was the antagonist? I'm confused.
I am not yet a published author. Most of my recent written work has focused on legal writing as the law clerk for a federal judge and attorney. Prior to my legal pursuits, I was a university student service administrator. I now maintain my practice while also teaching as an adjunct professor in (redacted) New York, where I live with my wife and two children.
I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.
Very Truly Yours,
(redacted), Esq.
This is pretty much a mess from start to finish.
There are some pretty good examples in postings #1-#83 that can help you revise.
Right now this is an instant rejection.
Dear Query Shark,
The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.
Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia. At least she'd have her childhood hero, Professor Robert Harmon M.D., her former stepfather and the man who cured her otherwise terminal illness, to guide her along the way.
Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Putnam University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate settles into her new life in academia, Dr. Rob and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the group and their preternatural condition. A feat made more difficult by the bizarre murders plaguing the University and Kate's unusual immunity to their hypnotic powers.
To make matters worse, Kate's falling in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one -- her mysterious visions of a vampiric chivalrous knight or the ever present letch, oozing sex appeal and lustful abandon.
As with most lawyers, who always seem to find out what you least want them to know, Kate soon discovers the true nature of the Covenant. Worse still, the Covenant's enemies and rival vampires realize that Kate, and her unusual immunity to vampiric powers, pose a threat to themselves and a weapon against the Covenant. Kate has no choice but to seek the Covenant's protection.
With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them, Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.
As Kate fights for her very life,(cliche!!) she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted ex-stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?
Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance.
Very Truly Yours,
There's more of your wit showing through in this one.
There's a huge debate in our office about whether vampires are dead (ha). What I mean of course, is whether the vampire category is last year's hot topic. I'm not taking anything vampiric unless it's a wildly new approach just cause the editors I talk to always need to hear something very new and fresh right now.
To that end you might focus less on the backstory and more on the reason's Kate survived cancer. Get to the fresh and original part and focus there.
-------------------------------------------------
REVISION 1:
Dear Query Shark:
The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.
What is she?
Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia.
Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Hudson University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the murders plaguing the University since her arrival.
He's her ex-physician? He's a physician and her ex-stepfather, most likely. Consider: Her former stepfather, physician Dr. Robert Harmon and his secret vampire society.
Why do they care if she knows?
To make matters worse, Kate's fallen in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one.
Why? She's having vampire orgies?
With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them (them who?), Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.
Why does falling in love with a vampire make her an enemy of the secret vampire society. If anything, it's rather flattering isn't it? You haven't mentioned that perhaps she's come into some dangerous knowledge about the murders.
As Kate fights for her very life, she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?
Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance. The full manuscript is available upon request. I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.
Unless you get money from someone for calling this place Hudson University, I wouldn't. We all know it's the Law & Order name for Columbia. There are a lot of other perfectly good names for Universities: Query Shark College comes to mind instantly.
Very Truly Yours,
I'm very impressed with the improvement but you need another polish, maybe two.
--------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
(name) ESQ.
ATTORNEY AND COUNSELOR AT LAW
(address) New York 10541
TELEPHONE: (redacted) (email redacted)
FACSIMILE: (redacted)
October 20, 2008
VIA Email to (Query Shark)
Submissions: Attn. Query Shark
Re: Submission for BLOODLINES: A Hudson University Novel
You've squandered the first 16 lines of your email with your return address and the date. My email window shows the first 20 lines of an email.
Don't do this.
ALL email queries should have your contact info at the conclusion of the email.
Dear Query Shark:
There's no such thing as a paranormal romance thriller. Categories are "paranormal romance" or "thriller" or "urban fantasy" or "commercial fiction". One or two words. No more.
Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae. Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery. All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival. Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life. As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both. Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?
This large block of text is literally unreadable on a computer screen. It's like a big inkblot.
White space is CRUCIAL in an email query.
Compare the above to this:
Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae.
Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down.
Well, I'm not sure how "a quiet life of introspection" fits in with "live in faculty mentor" but ok.
While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery.
You've got six characters introduced in fewer than 100 words. This is a common mistake in queries: trying to get everything on the page. Focus. Your main character. What's her problem? What choices does she face? What's her dilemma? Leave out all the rest.
All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival.
Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life.
As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both.
Do you mean allied against her? Allay means to calm a strong emotion, for example, anger, or diminish and set at rest somebody’s fears or suspicions; or, to relieve or reduce the severity of pain or a painful emotion.
Misusing words is one of the things that sends a query letter to the rejection pile no matter how enticing the subject matter may be. Words are your tools and if you aren't using them correctly, it bodes ill for the novel.
Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?
I thought the Covenant was the antagonist? I'm confused.
I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.
Very Truly Yours,
(redacted), Esq.
This is pretty much a mess from start to finish.
There are some pretty good examples in postings #1-#83 that can help you revise.
Right now this is an instant rejection.
#83-Revision
REVISION:
Dear Query Shark:
London's most notorious house of ill repute might not be the ideal sanctuary for a young woman of gentle breeding, but it's certainly the last place anyone will think to look for her. And all Blaire Glendow needs for a few months is a place to hide.
It seems ideal: Blaire's got the disguise, the guts, and the ingenuity to pull it all off. Unfortunately, she's also got a love of mischief that can't help but rearit's (its)conspicuous head from time to time. So when Jack Crafton, a sardonic viscount who sees little to admire in the cheerful house of sin, catches on to one of her quirks, it seems that Blaire may have to give up her ruse and place her trust in the one man who sees right through her facade.
Jack doesn't know which is the stronger motivation behind his actions: his urge to succumb to Blaire's impish charms or his repulsion at what he thinks is her entanglement in the brothel's seedier activities. Either way, he finds himself playing the errant white knight to one of the most ungrateful, opinionated, obstinate—and enchanting young women he's ever known.
Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel.I would be happy to submit my completed 107,000-word manuscript for your review.
Thank you so much for your considerationand for all that you do for the online writing community. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yup, that works.
Nicely done.
Of course I don't need to tell you that spelling mistakes are not a good thing. You know that.
--

--------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:
It's hard to stay upbeat when you've got no money, nowhere to go, and no one to turn to—oh, and an evil guardian hunting you down. Never one for adopting missish airs, Blaire Glendow does what any gently-bred young lady would do in her situation. She runs to the nearest brothel, where, amid dazzling beauties and a proprietress with a deep love of drama, she
fabricates a persona that has everyone fooled.
Is this a satire? Are you making fun of the category? I'm not sure what to make of this.
Except for Lord Crafton. A notorious society bachelor who comes complete with inexplicable scar and brooding nature, he sees right through Blaire's facade. And he wants what he sees.
And I'm still confused.
Prey to a mischievous nature that can't help but rear its fun-loving head at the most inappropriate intervals, Blaire suddenly finds herself whisked away to London, where she she meets an amusing cast of characters with Lord Crafton's best interests at heart. Her heart isn't
far behind, and as she softens toward the indomitable man with his wry punctuating smiles, her body soon follows.
There's a lot of description here and not much else. And I'm still confused about whether this is a joke or not.
When a society scandal forces Lord Crafton's hand in the direction of his best friend's sister, there is only one person able to provide a solution that keeps friendships and a burgeoning love intact. Blaire accepts the challenge and is launched into the role of a lifetime—provided the curtain isn't closed for good when the limelight places her in the direct path of her guardian's rage.
He's mad because of the punctuating smiles isn't he?
Or that brothel adventure?
Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel. It fuses my love of all things fiction with a successful professional freelance writing career that has placed my blog on the list of Top Ten Blogs for Writers for the past two years running. I would be happy to submit my completed 107,000-word manuscript for your review.
"all things fiction" You don't really want to say that. Unless this is a joke.
Thank you so much for your consideration and for all that you do for the online writing community. I look forward to hearing from you.
Regency romances may be frothy but they aren't satires, and they aren't ironic. Your tone and word choice here make me think you're making fun of things, not having fun with the tropes of the category.
I'm not sure what exactly to make of this, and that's really not the response you're looking for in a query letter.
If Blaire were to write about her situation, how would she describe it? Writing the first draft in her voice might help you get the tone right. Don't write the final version in her voice, that's too gimmicky for serious consideration, but there's a real problem with tone here that is getting in the way of being taken seriously.
Let's all remember too, that Regency romances aren't my forte. Anyone else who reads these more regularly than I should feel free to offer an opinion in the comment section.
Dear Query Shark:
London's most notorious house of ill repute might not be the ideal sanctuary for a young woman of gentle breeding, but it's certainly the last place anyone will think to look for her. And all Blaire Glendow needs for a few months is a place to hide.
It seems ideal: Blaire's got the disguise, the guts, and the ingenuity to pull it all off. Unfortunately, she's also got a love of mischief that can't help but rear
Jack doesn't know which is the stronger motivation behind his actions: his urge to succumb to Blaire's impish charms or his repulsion at what he thinks is her entanglement in the brothel's seedier activities. Either way, he finds himself playing the errant white knight to one of the most ungrateful, opinionated, obstinate—and enchanting young women he's ever known.
Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel.
Thank you so much for your consideration
Yup, that works.
Nicely done.
Of course I don't need to tell you that spelling mistakes are not a good thing. You know that.
--

--------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:
It's hard to stay upbeat when you've got no money, nowhere to go, and no one to turn to—oh, and an evil guardian hunting you down. Never one for adopting missish airs, Blaire Glendow does what any gently-bred young lady would do in her situation. She runs to the nearest brothel, where, amid dazzling beauties and a proprietress with a deep love of drama, she
fabricates a persona that has everyone fooled.
Is this a satire? Are you making fun of the category? I'm not sure what to make of this.
Except for Lord Crafton. A notorious society bachelor who comes complete with inexplicable scar and brooding nature, he sees right through Blaire's facade. And he wants what he sees.
And I'm still confused.
Prey to a mischievous nature that can't help but rear its fun-loving head at the most inappropriate intervals, Blaire suddenly finds herself whisked away to London, where she she meets an amusing cast of characters with Lord Crafton's best interests at heart. Her heart isn't
far behind, and as she softens toward the indomitable man with his wry punctuating smiles, her body soon follows.
There's a lot of description here and not much else. And I'm still confused about whether this is a joke or not.
When a society scandal forces Lord Crafton's hand in the direction of his best friend's sister, there is only one person able to provide a solution that keeps friendships and a burgeoning love intact. Blaire accepts the challenge and is launched into the role of a lifetime—provided the curtain isn't closed for good when the limelight places her in the direct path of her guardian's rage.
He's mad because of the punctuating smiles isn't he?
Or that brothel adventure?
Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel. It fuses my love of all things fiction with a successful professional freelance writing career that has placed my blog on the list of Top Ten Blogs for Writers for the past two years running. I would be happy to submit my completed 107,000-word manuscript for your review.
"all things fiction" You don't really want to say that. Unless this is a joke.
Thank you so much for your consideration and for all that you do for the online writing community. I look forward to hearing from you.
Regency romances may be frothy but they aren't satires, and they aren't ironic. Your tone and word choice here make me think you're making fun of things, not having fun with the tropes of the category.
I'm not sure what exactly to make of this, and that's really not the response you're looking for in a query letter.
If Blaire were to write about her situation, how would she describe it? Writing the first draft in her voice might help you get the tone right. Don't write the final version in her voice, that's too gimmicky for serious consideration, but there's a real problem with tone here that is getting in the way of being taken seriously.
Let's all remember too, that Regency romances aren't my forte. Anyone else who reads these more regularly than I should feel free to offer an opinion in the comment section.
Friday, December 12, 2008
#82
Dear Query Shark:
Narissa is a lot of things—smart, outspoken, thick-skinned—but above all else she's dependable. She's spent half her life caring for her younger sister. Until now. After all, it's kind of hard to take care of someone when you're in another dimension.
No one meant for Narissa to be lifted into this dimension. There's a gateway connecting the worlds, but no one knows where it is. Determined to get back to her sister, Narissa sets out to locate the elusive gate. As she begins her search, Narissa finds herself the object of unwanted attention and gossip, which escalate as people begin to notice the way she's captured the interest of one of their leaders - prickly, reclusive Daman.
Even as she searches for her way home, Narissa finds herself attracted to life in this new dimension. She has friends here, and people who love her. Narissa faces a choice she's never considered before: should she continue putting her responsibilities to her sister first, or allow herself to have the life she really wants?
My young adult fantasy, The Refuge, is complete at 84,000 words. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is quite capable of standing on its own. The Refuge is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Well, this works for me.
I'd read the first five pages or so to get a sense of the writing.
Nice job.
Narissa is a lot of things—smart, outspoken, thick-skinned—but above all else she's dependable. She's spent half her life caring for her younger sister. Until now. After all, it's kind of hard to take care of someone when you're in another dimension.
No one meant for Narissa to be lifted into this dimension. There's a gateway connecting the worlds, but no one knows where it is. Determined to get back to her sister, Narissa sets out to locate the elusive gate. As she begins her search, Narissa finds herself the object of unwanted attention and gossip, which escalate as people begin to notice the way she's captured the interest of one of their leaders - prickly, reclusive Daman.
Even as she searches for her way home, Narissa finds herself attracted to life in this new dimension. She has friends here, and people who love her. Narissa faces a choice she's never considered before: should she continue putting her responsibilities to her sister first, or allow herself to have the life she really wants?
My young adult fantasy, The Refuge, is complete at 84,000 words. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is quite capable of standing on its own. The Refuge is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Well, this works for me.
I'd read the first five pages or so to get a sense of the writing.
Nice job.
Monday, September 15, 2008
#80
Dear Query Shark:
Having found writers like X and Y on your list of authors, I hope you'll consider the mystery I Don't Do Windows for representation.
Having found writers is a terrible start. Short, declarative sentences: I hope you'll consider (title) for representation. I'm querying because you represent X and Y.
While I've redacted the two names here, let me take this opportunity to stand on my soapbox about "because you represent so-and-so you'll be interested in me."
First, get the names right. I don't represent anyone named Y. I'm guessing it's a typing mistake but still, this is something to triple check.
I also don't represent X anymore, and X hasn't been on my list of clients for more than two years. That's sloppy research. It's a fact of agency life that clients come and go, but if I haven't sold anything for an author in two plus years, that person is NOT the best choice for a comparison. My recent sales are on my website; most are listed at Publishers Marketplace. THOSE are the ones to use for comparison.
None of that really matters though. I overlook all of it because I don't really give a rodent's rear end about why you query. Some agents do though, so don't mess this up by being careless.
I Don’t Do Windows continues the popular tradition of smart-mouthed female sleuths(period), but Kay Brushett has no intention of spending nights eating in her car, checking out suspicious noises in dark basements, or peering through windows.
Topic sentences that run for three lines are too long. This is the place for punchy, attention getting concise prose. You'd do well to ditch this and start here:
Brushett inherited her agency and quickly discovered she was totally unsuited to traditional private investigations. Instead, this detective is a child of the digital age. Dragged into a murder investigation that started as a simple domestic surveillance of a cheating husband, Brushett faces increasingly immediate danger when she accidently records proof of earlier murders. Unfortunately for Brushett, not all of her digital tactics fit neatly within the law, alienating her from local law enforcement just when she could most use their co-operation. Her fears for her own safety will resonate with readers -- and send her back to the illegal, but, necessary tools that may keep her ahead of a smart killer.
This doesn't hold together logically. She doesn't want to peer into windows etc paired with accidentally records don't match. And what "digital tactics" do you mean? Recording? She could be carrying around a reel to reel tape recorder in her panties from that phrase. Be specific.
Her fears for her own safety will resonate with readers--what? That's called suspense, and it's part and parcel of any good crime novel. Saying your main character faces danger is like saying the words are written in English; obvious to the point that by mentioning it you beg for a sardonic and sarcastic response. This is NOT what you want here.
Not only a complete 95,000 word novel to appeal to fans of the cozy and lighter procedurals, I Don’t Do Windows is every woman’s DIY guide to finding out what her guy really does when he’s not with her!
This is meant to be funny I'm sure, but it misses the mark.
Procedurals usually mean police procedurals and a police officer is the main character. That's not what you described earlier.
While I Don't Do Windows is a first mystery, my published non-fiction includes pop culture titles (redacted but quite extensive). My day job is contributing writer / editor / publisher of (redacted) which was started from scratch in 2000 and enjoys a loyal readership.
Thank you for your time and consideration! (I see my campaign to make this the correct closing on all query letters is working. Excellent!)
Sincerely
The writing is enough to make me say no even if there was a more compelling description of the plot. Most agents see ONLY your query letter so you've GOT to make it energetic and enticing. No ass-backwards sentence constructions unless you really mean it (ie having found writers like X and Y on your list; not only a complete novel). Subject, verb, clause. There's a lot to be said for plain, simple, elegant writing.
Form rejection.
Having found writers like X and Y on your list of authors, I hope you'll consider the mystery I Don't Do Windows for representation.
Having found writers is a terrible start. Short, declarative sentences: I hope you'll consider (title) for representation. I'm querying because you represent X and Y.
While I've redacted the two names here, let me take this opportunity to stand on my soapbox about "because you represent so-and-so you'll be interested in me."
First, get the names right. I don't represent anyone named Y. I'm guessing it's a typing mistake but still, this is something to triple check.
I also don't represent X anymore, and X hasn't been on my list of clients for more than two years. That's sloppy research. It's a fact of agency life that clients come and go, but if I haven't sold anything for an author in two plus years, that person is NOT the best choice for a comparison. My recent sales are on my website; most are listed at Publishers Marketplace. THOSE are the ones to use for comparison.
None of that really matters though. I overlook all of it because I don't really give a rodent's rear end about why you query. Some agents do though, so don't mess this up by being careless.
I Don’t Do Windows continues the popular tradition of smart-mouthed female sleuths(period)
Topic sentences that run for three lines are too long. This is the place for punchy, attention getting concise prose. You'd do well to ditch this and start here:
Brushett inherited her agency and quickly discovered she was totally unsuited to traditional private investigations. Instead, this detective is a child of the digital age. Dragged into a murder investigation that started as a simple domestic surveillance
This doesn't hold together logically. She doesn't want to peer into windows etc paired with accidentally records don't match. And what "digital tactics" do you mean? Recording? She could be carrying around a reel to reel tape recorder in her panties from that phrase. Be specific.
Her fears for her own safety will resonate with readers--what? That's called suspense, and it's part and parcel of any good crime novel. Saying your main character faces danger is like saying the words are written in English; obvious to the point that by mentioning it you beg for a sardonic and sarcastic response. This is NOT what you want here.
Not only a complete 95,000 word novel to appeal to fans of the cozy and lighter procedurals, I Don’t Do Windows is every woman’s DIY guide to finding out what her guy really does when he’s not with her!
This is meant to be funny I'm sure, but it misses the mark.
Procedurals usually mean police procedurals and a police officer is the main character. That's not what you described earlier.
While I Don't Do Windows is a first mystery, my published non-fiction includes pop culture titles (redacted but quite extensive). My day job is contributing writer / editor / publisher of (redacted) which was started from scratch in 2000 and enjoys a loyal readership.
Thank you for your time and consideration! (I see my campaign to make this the correct closing on all query letters is working. Excellent!)
Sincerely
The writing is enough to make me say no even if there was a more compelling description of the plot. Most agents see ONLY your query letter so you've GOT to make it energetic and enticing. No ass-backwards sentence constructions unless you really mean it (ie having found writers like X and Y on your list; not only a complete novel). Subject, verb, clause. There's a lot to be said for plain, simple, elegant writing.
Form rejection.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
#79
Dear Query Shark,
Have you ever peeked into someone else's medicine cabinet?
Or gotten a little thrill when you‚ve found yourself alone in another person‚s private space, like your boss‚s office after hours or your host‚s bedroom when you‚ve taken a wrong turn on the way to the bathroom?
Have you ever tingled with excitement as you watched the main character of a spy movie riffle through a cabinet drawer taking pictures of its contents, wishing the whole time it was you holding the tiny camera shaped like a pen?
You've taken up three paragraphs to describe one thing. Overkill. Get to the point.
Come on, you know you have. But the difference between Katie Tremaine and you is that this particular twenty-nine-year-old accountant can‚t control her urges to sneak around like a cat burglar or pretend to be James Bond. Katie is addicted to snooping around places she shouldn‚t be the way other people are addicted to cigarettes, chocolate cake or gambling, but there is nothing Katie can do for her particular jones short of joining the CIA or turning to a life of crime ˆ and she‚s really not into the whole danger, life-threatening thing.
So, I see that last sentence and think: how many other 56 word sentences are in this book? And that's it. I look at that and all I can see is "this is gonna need work." If you were describing something I'd never seen before it might be different but you've got a snooper (a tired trope) and the prospect of a lot of editing. I'd stop reading right here and say no thanks. Yes this is unfair; yes I might miss something. That's all true. It's still exactly what I'd do.
Assuming she will forever keep her semi-illicit urges under wraps, Katie is shocked when her friend Bernie, a private investigator, uncovers her proclivities and immediately grasps the usefulness of Katie talents. Bernie offers Katie the opportunity to make $5,000 retrieving a valuable piece of jewelry for one of his socialite clients from her ex-husband‚s estate. But when both the client and the ex wind up murdered, it‚s handsome police detective John Flynn who discovers Katie‚s involvement in the case and that her fingerprints are all over both crime scenes ˆ and Katie soon wishes she‚d taken up basket weaving instead of burglarizing.
There's a fundamental failure of logic here. Snooping doesn't mean sneak thief. If she's stealing stuff, you need to mention it in the first paragraph. And you'll want to go easy on the "only difference" cause I may have been known to open a medicine cabinet but I've never actually tried to steal the host's tiara.
Please consider reviewing my 85,000-word mystery novel The Taker. Thank you for your time and attention,as I know both are valuable. Yea well yours are too, let's not get all gushy and stuff.
And "reviewing" isn't what I do. Michiko reviews. I consider. I read. I fling myself at work I love. I do not review.
Sincerely,
Don't you love all those weird ass punctuation marks? Yea, me neither. It doesn't stop me from reading your query, but if you are obsessive about this kind of thing you need to figure out how to make it stop. Commenters here will have good advice about it too, I'm sure.
Have you ever peeked into someone else's medicine cabinet?
Or gotten a little thrill when you‚ve found yourself alone in another person‚s private space, like your boss‚s office after hours or your host‚s bedroom when you‚ve taken a wrong turn on the way to the bathroom?
Have you ever tingled with excitement as you watched the main character of a spy movie riffle through a cabinet drawer taking pictures of its contents, wishing the whole time it was you holding the tiny camera shaped like a pen?
You've taken up three paragraphs to describe one thing. Overkill. Get to the point.
Come on, you know you have. But the difference between Katie Tremaine and you is that this particular twenty-nine-year-old accountant can‚t control her urges to sneak around like a cat burglar or pretend to be James Bond. Katie is addicted to snooping around places she shouldn‚t be the way other people are addicted to cigarettes, chocolate cake or gambling, but there is nothing Katie can do for her particular jones short of joining the CIA or turning to a life of crime ˆ and she‚s really not into the whole danger, life-threatening thing.
So, I see that last sentence and think: how many other 56 word sentences are in this book? And that's it. I look at that and all I can see is "this is gonna need work." If you were describing something I'd never seen before it might be different but you've got a snooper (a tired trope) and the prospect of a lot of editing. I'd stop reading right here and say no thanks. Yes this is unfair; yes I might miss something. That's all true. It's still exactly what I'd do.
Assuming she will forever keep her semi-illicit urges under wraps, Katie is shocked when her friend Bernie, a private investigator, uncovers her proclivities and immediately grasps the usefulness of Katie talents. Bernie offers Katie the opportunity to make $5,000 retrieving a valuable piece of jewelry for one of his socialite clients from her ex-husband‚s estate. But when both the client and the ex wind up murdered, it‚s handsome police detective John Flynn who discovers Katie‚s involvement in the case and that her fingerprints are all over both crime scenes ˆ and Katie soon wishes she‚d taken up basket weaving instead of burglarizing.
There's a fundamental failure of logic here. Snooping doesn't mean sneak thief. If she's stealing stuff, you need to mention it in the first paragraph. And you'll want to go easy on the "only difference" cause I may have been known to open a medicine cabinet but I've never actually tried to steal the host's tiara.
Please consider reviewing my 85,000-word mystery novel The Taker. Thank you for your time and attention,
And "reviewing" isn't what I do. Michiko reviews. I consider. I read. I fling myself at work I love. I do not review.
Sincerely,
Don't you love all those weird ass punctuation marks? Yea, me neither. It doesn't stop me from reading your query, but if you are obsessive about this kind of thing you need to figure out how to make it stop. Commenters here will have good advice about it too, I'm sure.
#78-Revised 3x
THIRD REVISION
Dear QS,
Three thousand years ago, Loki, the Norse God of Mischief, created a game called The Social Experiment in which two mortals are selected to partake in a firsthand historical game of "What if?" One is instructed to preserve history; the other, to change it. The game's intent, however, is not to affect history or alter the future; though history can be shifted and the future can be changed, The Social Experiment was devised to provide the gods with greater insight into the human condition.
For this particular iteration, Loki selects an unsuspecting high school sophomore, Elena Fantino, to preserve the fates. Loki transports her to Rome, 44 B.C., tells her the rules of the game, and disappears. To win the game, to return to the home she knows, Elena must ensure that the following questions go unanswered:
What if Julius Caesar hadn't been killed by Brutus?
What if Anne Boleyn had drowned in her youth?
What if Pierre Picaud РAlexandre Dumas' real life Edmond Dant̬s Рhadn't been framed by his friends?
The Social Experiment is a 45,000 word young-adult novel that begins and ends in high school. In between, Elena travels to ancient Rome, medieval England, and Napoleonic France. Difficult choices await her at each destination: letting Julius Caesar die would be much easier if he didn't have a strong resemblance to her father; saving Anne Boleyn wouldn't be hard at all if she didn't bear a striking similarity to Elena's high school nemesis; allowing Pierre Picaud to be named a spy wouldn't be so bad if he weren't such a gallant man. However, if Elena fails to preserve history, she will be stuck in a time and place far different than present day Manhattan.
The completed manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your time and consideration,
Hot damn. This works. Nice revision!
---
REVISION
Dear Query Shark,
There is a game played amongst the gods called The Social Experiment. Imagine it as a grand game of "What if?"
What if Julius Caesar hadn't been killed by Brutus?
What if Anne Boleyn had drowned in her youth?
What if Pierre Picaud РAlexandre Dumas' real life Edmond Dant̬s Рhadn't been framed by his friends?
Elena Fantino is about to play her first game of historical "What if?", courtesy of Loki, the Norse God of Mischief. To win the game, to ensure her fate, the above questions must go unanswered. Straightforward enough, but then the game begins. Letting Julius Caesar die would be much easier if he didn't have a strong resemblance to her father. Saving Anne Boleyn wouldn't be hard at all if she didn't bear a striking similarity to Elena's high school nemesis. Allowing Pierre Picaud to be named a spy wouldn't be so bad if he weren't such a gallant man.
To win the game, to ensure her fate, the above questions must go unanswered. This is too generic to mean much. What happens if she does save Caesar? Does she die? Develop zits? Become an indentured servant in the Shark Tank?
This is a key element of a good query letter: why do any of these events or choices matter. Without the answer to the question "so what" the response is 'ho hum' and that's not what you're looking for unless you are the group sing leader at the Mustang Ranch.
The Social Experiment is a 45,000 word young-adult novel that begins and ends in high school. In between, Elena must decide whether winning the game is more important than doing the right thing. Loki provides obstacles at every turn to make sure that she's as conflicted as possible; he's the God of Mischief, after all, and nothing delights him more than hearing his human guinea pigs squeal.
What is the right thing? Drowning Anne Boleyn? Hmmm.
Is Loki a major character? Having him toy with humans just cause he can is pretty boring. It's like a serial killer who is pure evil. Nuance is interesting; complex motivation is interesting. "Cause I want to" ...not so much.
This isn't compelling yet. Form rejection.
-----------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,
Skylar Fox often wishes she were a normal girl going to a normal high school. Her father's a mob boss, her only friend's the DA's son, and she's the laughing stock of Gracemont Prep, school to Manhattan's rich and famous. If that wasn't bad enough, Sky's just been selected by the Norse God of Mischief to partake in a historical game of "What if?" known as The Social Experiment.
You've got WAY too much going on here. The fact that she's the daughter of a mob boss and her pal is the DA's son (problematic at best, reeks of device) doesn't have anything to do with the Norse God of Mischief sending her off on Bill & Ted's Incredible Adventure part deus ex machina.
What if Caesar hadn't been killed by Brutus? What if Anne Boleyn had drowned in her youth? What if The Count of Monte Cristo were a romance? (I'm pretty sure the Count of Monte Cristo is a novel, not a historical figure; the person most closely resembling the story is named Pierre Picaud)
Sky must travel through history to ensure that these questions remain unanswered; she wins if the fates are kept. Her friend, Finneas Huckleberry Finn, (who?) wins if the fates are changed.
History, unfortunately, has a striking similarity to Sky's modern day existence. (I don't understand what that means) Choices that seemed easy - allowing Caesar to die, saving Anne Boleyn - are far more difficult than she'd imagined. (why?) Worst of all, Finn is hiding a terrible secret that could forever destroy their friendship. (He's Luke's father?)
Terrible secrets smack of melodrama. There's just no way to have that phrase in a query letter and have it taken seriously. Be specific. What's the problem. What's he hiding. You can tone down the melodrama and it will actually be more dramatic.
The Social Experiment is a 45,000 word young-adult story that begins and ends in high school.
You do all this in 45,000 words? My left eyebrow took the elevator to the top of my beehive 'do on that statement. You've got a LOT going on for 45K words.
In between, two friends tied together by their inferior social status (what?) travel from ancient Rome to Napoleonic France. Their journey is fraught with danger, intrigue, jealousy, and secrecy. Through it all, Sky discovers who she is and ultimately realizes that her relationship with Finn extends far beyond friendship. (oh great, she's Luke's mother)
If you would like to see the manuscript or a synopsis, I can send it at your convenience. Thanks for your time and consideration,
I also have a thing about made up sounding names like Skylar Fox. Names need to make sense in a story and I don't know about you but the mob bosses we read about here in NYC tend to be Italian and Catholic and name their daughters things like Maria and Francesca and Constanzia. Or saint's names. Last I looked Skylar wasn't a saint and since it's drawn from the Danish and means fugitive, my guess is no mob boss would name his kid that.
And yes, this is picky as hell. Yes, I had to look all that stuff up to tell you why it sounded wrong, but I've said before; I'll say it again, you have to tune up your sense of how a novel works so you see this yourself. You don't have to know why it doesn't work, but you need to be able to look at "Skylar Fox" and think "nahhhh."
This is a form rejection right now.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
#77 Revision
Revision:
Dear Query Shark,
What happens when two best friends fall for the same girl? What if they are in the fifth grade and she mysteriously disappeared in the eighth grade before either of them had a chance to declare their love? Would she slip out of their memories or would she stay to punish them forever?
She punishes them cause she moved away in 8th grade?
For one friend, Rob, he finds the girl and they are married. For the other, Mitch, he endures years of wondering. He thought he just drifted from his friend Rob but really Rob escaped the certain anger of his bigger, stronger friend. Mitch remembered how they were inseparable and he remembered Leslie’s soft hair and precious smile. Nothing consumed his mind more than the last image of her, forever engraved in his thoughts.
For one friend, Rob, he, and For the other, Mitch, he is just plain bad grammar. If you don't know why, you need a class on remedial writing. It is entirely possible to be a pretty smart person and not have a grasp of the fundamentals of grammar. It's not a character flaw either. An awful lot of English classes in the primary and secondary schools don't teach grammar anymore. Quite frankly, I learned most of what I know about English grammar in French class.
However, you do have to learn this stuff. You have to tune up your ear so when you break the rules, you do so intentionally.
Was it coincidence or predestination that Rob’s daughter and Mitch’s son would meet and fall in love? What will happen when Mitch sees Leslie again and what will he do to his old friend?
Unlikely Angels, an 86,000 word novel takes you through a journey of the lives of two men. Unlikely Angels explores their emotions and how they conquer the adolescent issues in life. It describes the feelings teenagers have and how they succumb to sexual temptations or how they can overcome them. Unlikely Angels proves that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence and “no matter how hot someone is, someone, somewhere, is tired of them.”
You're trying to do too much here. You're talking about themes. You need to talk about plot. Also, we have no sense of what either of these men is like.
Unlikely Angels takes the reader to a spiritual place in preparation for More Unlikely Angels and the continuing story of life, death and triumph.
After More Unlikely Angels the story can continue.
Your reconsiderationwould be is appreciated.
Sincerely,
You've got some major problems here. Your writing needs more than just an edit. You really need writing classes that will teach you to express yourself more clearly. If you can't look at what you've got here and identify some of the major problems, just by reading it, you need more basic help than what this blog is about. And remember: every single person who comments on this blog, writes this blog, and writes the books you read, EVERY single one had to go to class to learn this stuff. It's how we all started.
Right now it's hard to understand what you're trying to write about because sentences like this Nothing consumed his mind more than the last image of her, forever engraved in his thoughts make sense to you but they don't make sense to me.
----------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,
It was the first day of the fifth grade when best friends Mitch and Rob met the girl of their dreams. Her name was Leslie and she was gorgeous. Both boys masterfully kept their cool around Leslie while they shared her as their new best friend.
Everyday the boys secretly plotted to tell her their feelings, but when the opportunities arose, the nerve was lost. As the years passed and the boys matured and so did their desire for Leslie, right up to the day that she disappeared.
Leslie’s mother was a fugitive from the law and so the family disappeared without a trace. When the police arrived to arrest her they found Mitch had entered the empty house and it was a close call for the eighth grader.
Both Mitch and Rob were heartbroken.
Mitch commanded to Rob that if, they ever saw Leslie again, she would be his forever. So when the boys went to separate Universities there were no reasons for Rob to tell Mitch he had found Leslie. She had undergone a transformation for the worse. Rob knew his love could save her from the evils of her new life, so they married and he gave her a daughter, Lisa.
At UCLA Mitch was a star football player and he was happy with his new wife, Jamie. Jamie and Mitch finished college and started their own family with a son named Nathan.
When Lisa and Nathan became adults they chose the theatre as careers, Nathan as an up and coming actor and Lisa the prop girl. In between scenes Nathan nosed around and found the prop room and that is where he found Lisa. It was love at first sight and so marriage was eminent.
Mitch and Rob hadn’t seen each other in over twenty years so imagine Mitch’s surprise when he came face to face with his old friend and the first love he had longed for since childhood.
Nothing went smooth until the men went fishing on Nathan’s actor friend, Brad’s fishing boat. Enamored with Brad the young men hung on his every word. Alcohol flowed and the young men retreated below for movies and conversation. Mitch and Rob stayed above to continue fishing until “the big one” pulled little Rob into the water. With life ring in hand Mitch dove in to save Rob.
They floated for days until they found a deserted island. Food was not abundant for the pair who weakened daily. They survived for eighteen months until only one was rescued.
After the sole survivor passed away their kids had a child of their own and now the friends are tied to the new child as “Unlikely Angels.”
Almost 86,000 words make up Unlikely Angels.
Your consideration would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
This is a series of events, not a plot. The description lacks compelling energy or excitement. Some of the phrases are inadvertently funny:
Nothing went smooth until the men went fishing on Nathan’s actor friend
It's got a lot of misspellings and misused words. I don't mind mistakes, I can overlook that; stuff happens, I make more than my share too. But, I can tell when it's not just a typo. Eminent, commanded to: those are errors that tell me you aren't careful in your use of language. I look at how you use language in a query letter. That and voice are the two biggest things I respond to. Your voice is flat, and you're misusing words.
Form rejection.
Dear Query Shark,
What happens when two best friends fall for the same girl? What if they are in the fifth grade and she mysteriously disappeared in the eighth grade before either of them had a chance to declare their love? Would she slip out of their memories or would she stay to punish them forever?
She punishes them cause she moved away in 8th grade?
For one friend, Rob, he finds the girl and they are married. For the other, Mitch, he endures years of wondering. He thought he just drifted from his friend Rob but really Rob escaped the certain anger of his bigger, stronger friend. Mitch remembered how they were inseparable and he remembered Leslie’s soft hair and precious smile. Nothing consumed his mind more than the last image of her, forever engraved in his thoughts.
For one friend, Rob, he, and For the other, Mitch, he is just plain bad grammar. If you don't know why, you need a class on remedial writing. It is entirely possible to be a pretty smart person and not have a grasp of the fundamentals of grammar. It's not a character flaw either. An awful lot of English classes in the primary and secondary schools don't teach grammar anymore. Quite frankly, I learned most of what I know about English grammar in French class.
However, you do have to learn this stuff. You have to tune up your ear so when you break the rules, you do so intentionally.
Was it coincidence or predestination that Rob’s daughter and Mitch’s son would meet and fall in love? What will happen when Mitch sees Leslie again and what will he do to his old friend?
Unlikely Angels, an 86,000 word novel takes you through a journey of the lives of two men. Unlikely Angels explores their emotions and how they conquer the adolescent issues in life. It describes the feelings teenagers have and how they succumb to sexual temptations or how they can overcome them. Unlikely Angels proves that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence and “no matter how hot someone is, someone, somewhere, is tired of them.”
You're trying to do too much here. You're talking about themes. You need to talk about plot. Also, we have no sense of what either of these men is like.
Unlikely Angels takes the reader to a spiritual place in preparation for More Unlikely Angels and the continuing story of life, death and triumph.
After More Unlikely Angels the story can continue.
Your reconsideration
Sincerely,
You've got some major problems here. Your writing needs more than just an edit. You really need writing classes that will teach you to express yourself more clearly. If you can't look at what you've got here and identify some of the major problems, just by reading it, you need more basic help than what this blog is about. And remember: every single person who comments on this blog, writes this blog, and writes the books you read, EVERY single one had to go to class to learn this stuff. It's how we all started.
Right now it's hard to understand what you're trying to write about because sentences like this Nothing consumed his mind more than the last image of her, forever engraved in his thoughts make sense to you but they don't make sense to me.
----------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,
It was the first day of the fifth grade when best friends Mitch and Rob met the girl of their dreams. Her name was Leslie and she was gorgeous. Both boys masterfully kept their cool around Leslie while they shared her as their new best friend.
Everyday the boys secretly plotted to tell her their feelings, but when the opportunities arose, the nerve was lost. As the years passed and the boys matured and so did their desire for Leslie, right up to the day that she disappeared.
Leslie’s mother was a fugitive from the law and so the family disappeared without a trace. When the police arrived to arrest her they found Mitch had entered the empty house and it was a close call for the eighth grader.
Both Mitch and Rob were heartbroken.
Mitch commanded to Rob that if, they ever saw Leslie again, she would be his forever. So when the boys went to separate Universities there were no reasons for Rob to tell Mitch he had found Leslie. She had undergone a transformation for the worse. Rob knew his love could save her from the evils of her new life, so they married and he gave her a daughter, Lisa.
At UCLA Mitch was a star football player and he was happy with his new wife, Jamie. Jamie and Mitch finished college and started their own family with a son named Nathan.
When Lisa and Nathan became adults they chose the theatre as careers, Nathan as an up and coming actor and Lisa the prop girl. In between scenes Nathan nosed around and found the prop room and that is where he found Lisa. It was love at first sight and so marriage was eminent.
Mitch and Rob hadn’t seen each other in over twenty years so imagine Mitch’s surprise when he came face to face with his old friend and the first love he had longed for since childhood.
Nothing went smooth until the men went fishing on Nathan’s actor friend, Brad’s fishing boat. Enamored with Brad the young men hung on his every word. Alcohol flowed and the young men retreated below for movies and conversation. Mitch and Rob stayed above to continue fishing until “the big one” pulled little Rob into the water. With life ring in hand Mitch dove in to save Rob.
They floated for days until they found a deserted island. Food was not abundant for the pair who weakened daily. They survived for eighteen months until only one was rescued.
After the sole survivor passed away their kids had a child of their own and now the friends are tied to the new child as “Unlikely Angels.”
Almost 86,000 words make up Unlikely Angels.
Your consideration would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
This is a series of events, not a plot. The description lacks compelling energy or excitement. Some of the phrases are inadvertently funny:
Nothing went smooth until the men went fishing on Nathan’s actor friend
It's got a lot of misspellings and misused words. I don't mind mistakes, I can overlook that; stuff happens, I make more than my share too. But, I can tell when it's not just a typo. Eminent, commanded to: those are errors that tell me you aren't careful in your use of language. I look at how you use language in a query letter. That and voice are the two biggest things I respond to. Your voice is flat, and you're misusing words.
Form rejection.
Friday, September 12, 2008
#76-Revisions
REVISION:
Dear Query Shark,
I am writing you because you represented [Title] by [Author's Name].
The Last Catholic (90,000 words) is a psychological novel telling the story of how an introspective young man becomes someone like Hamlet. Caught between an abusive alcoholic father and a fanatically religious mother, the protagonist (use his name) finds their conflicts mirrored in his attempts to attain sexual freedom. The novel traces the development of this subject from the protagonist's childhood to age 19 when he leaves home to go to college. In focusing on the psychological conflicts between religion and sexuality the book is broadly relevant to major concerns in religion in America today.
This sounds like an academic treatise, not an interesting novel. What's the protagonist's central conflict, SPECIFICALLY. Attain sexual freedom isn't specific. Most 17 year old boys I know think sexual freedom is having a steady girlfriend whose parents are out of town most of the time.
I was a University Professor for 33 years. I taught a variety of courses in the history of Drama, Modern and Postmodern American Fiction, and Interdisciplinary Studies. I have also worked for over two decades now as an actor in regional theater. I am the author of seven published books on a variety of subjects in Philosophy, Psychoanlaysis, and Cultural Studies and also three full-length plays. (Descriptions of these books, selections from them and a complete Vita are abailable on my website: redacted).
If you need any other information, please don't hesitate to contact me by email at: redacted.
Yours sincerely,
You have not effectively communicated why we should care about any of these characters. There is no plot. I notice you don't mention the word count. If it's still 350,000 words, that's going to come out at some point in the query process believe me. You'd do well to mention what the word count is if you've pared it down. If you haven't, you need to. Even epic fantasy doesn't run that high very often. Form rejection.
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,
I am writing you because you represented [Title] by [Author's Name]. I therefore think you will find my novel of interest.
The first sentence implies the second. You don't need to spell out the obvious here. I find this kind of writing among academics because the writing style required in professional journals requires the outline of logical step. Novels and query letters allow for intuitive leaps.
Titled The Last Catholic, my novel (350,000 words) deals with the conflict between religion and sexuality in the life of a young man of working class origins growing up in Chicago in the 50's and 60's whose life changes when he gets the chance to go away to college. Written in a syle of lyric naturalism, The Last Catholic dramatizes the conflicts created by a strict religious upbringing in a secular world. In this sense the subject is contemporary and broadly relevant
I stop reading at 350,000.
This is too long by a factor of three.
Novels run 70-100,000 words.
Anything more than that just raises the bar.
Just reading the query letter shows me that can probably cut your word count in half with some judicious pruning.
I was a University Professor for 33 years. I taught a variety of courses in the history of Drama, Modern and Postmodern American Fiction, and Interdisciplinary Studies in the relationship of Literature to Philosophy, Psychology and Politics. I have also worked for over two decades now as an actor in regional theatre. I am the author of seven published books on a variety of subjects in philosophy, psychoanalysis and cultural studies and also three full length plays. (Descriptions of these books, selections from them and a complete Vita are available on my website: redacted)
If you need any other information, please don't hesitate to contact me by email at: (redacted) I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
Dear Query Shark,
I am writing you because you represented [Title] by [Author's Name].
The Last Catholic (90,000 words) is a psychological novel telling the story of how an introspective young man becomes someone like Hamlet. Caught between an abusive alcoholic father and a fanatically religious mother, the protagonist (use his name) finds their conflicts mirrored in his attempts to attain sexual freedom. The novel traces the development of this subject from the protagonist's childhood to age 19 when he leaves home to go to college. In focusing on the psychological conflicts between religion and sexuality the book is broadly relevant to major concerns in religion in America today.
This sounds like an academic treatise, not an interesting novel. What's the protagonist's central conflict, SPECIFICALLY. Attain sexual freedom isn't specific. Most 17 year old boys I know think sexual freedom is having a steady girlfriend whose parents are out of town most of the time.
I was a University Professor for 33 years. I taught a variety of courses in the history of Drama, Modern and Postmodern American Fiction, and Interdisciplinary Studies. I have also worked for over two decades now as an actor in regional theater. I am the author of seven published books on a variety of subjects in Philosophy, Psychoanlaysis, and Cultural Studies and also three full-length plays. (Descriptions of these books, selections from them and a complete Vita are abailable on my website: redacted).
If you need any other information, please don't hesitate to contact me by email at: redacted.
Yours sincerely,
You have not effectively communicated why we should care about any of these characters. There is no plot. I notice you don't mention the word count. If it's still 350,000 words, that's going to come out at some point in the query process believe me. You'd do well to mention what the word count is if you've pared it down. If you haven't, you need to. Even epic fantasy doesn't run that high very often. Form rejection.
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,
I am writing you because you represented [Title] by [Author's Name].
The first sentence implies the second. You don't need to spell out the obvious here. I find this kind of writing among academics because the writing style required in professional journals requires the outline of logical step. Novels and query letters allow for intuitive leaps.
I stop reading at 350,000.
This is too long by a factor of three.
Novels run 70-100,000 words.
Anything more than that just raises the bar.
Just reading the query letter shows me that can probably cut your word count in half with some judicious pruning.
I was a University Professor for 33 years. I taught a variety of courses in the history of Drama, Modern and Postmodern American Fiction, and Interdisciplinary Studies in the relationship of Literature to Philosophy, Psychology and Politics. I have also worked for over two decades now as an actor in regional theatre. I am the author of seven published books on a variety of subjects in philosophy, psychoanalysis and cultural studies and also three full length plays. (Descriptions of these books, selections from them and a complete Vita are available on my website: redacted)
If you need any other information, please don't hesitate to contact me by email at: (redacted) I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
Monday, September 1, 2008
#75
Dear Query Shark:
Angie Porter has never wanted kids. Instead, she has an apartment above the bookstore she owns with her friend Peter, two cats, and a boyfriend who doesn't ask for more time or commitment than she's willing to give. Her life is as comfortable and confining as a snail's shell. Then Iraq invades Kuwait and Peter is called to active duty. His anthropologist wife is in Africa and unreachable. Angie reluctantly agrees to take care of Peter's three boys until Maureen comes home. Weeks pass by with no word from Maureen. Angie becomes “not-mom” to kids devastated by their parents’ absence. The pressures of a life she never wanted knock down the protective walls Angie has built around herself. By the time Maureen finally comes home, Angie has lost everything that mattered to her, gained some things she never knew she wanted, and is ready to rebuild her life.
WINNING THE WAR AT HOME is a 68,800-word novel in a vein similar to the work of Laurie Colwin and Cathleen Schine. The first chapter took third place in the Alabama Writers' Conclave's 2008 writing contest.
After twenty-five years as a small business owner, I am now a full time freelancer. I have two mid-grade books scheduled for publication in the next six months and am a regular contributor to Learning Through History, Piecework, and the "Artists on War" department of Military History Quarterly.
I would be pleased to send a partial or complete manuscript of WINNING THE WAR AT HOME for your review. Thank you for your consideration.
And we have a winner. I'm all over this one.
Here's what I like: it's topical for starters, and yet evergreen. The voice is taut, not over-emotional, but we know the emotion is there. It's been seen by what sound like knowledgeable folks. And I just plain want to read it.
Angie Porter has never wanted kids. Instead, she has an apartment above the bookstore she owns with her friend Peter, two cats, and a boyfriend who doesn't ask for more time or commitment than she's willing to give. Her life is as comfortable and confining as a snail's shell. Then Iraq invades Kuwait and Peter is called to active duty. His anthropologist wife is in Africa and unreachable. Angie reluctantly agrees to take care of Peter's three boys until Maureen comes home. Weeks pass by with no word from Maureen. Angie becomes “not-mom” to kids devastated by their parents’ absence. The pressures of a life she never wanted knock down the protective walls Angie has built around herself. By the time Maureen finally comes home, Angie has lost everything that mattered to her, gained some things she never knew she wanted, and is ready to rebuild her life.
WINNING THE WAR AT HOME is a 68,800-word novel in a vein similar to the work of Laurie Colwin and Cathleen Schine. The first chapter took third place in the Alabama Writers' Conclave's 2008 writing contest.
After twenty-five years as a small business owner, I am now a full time freelancer. I have two mid-grade books scheduled for publication in the next six months and am a regular contributor to Learning Through History, Piecework, and the "Artists on War" department of Military History Quarterly.
I would be pleased to send a partial or complete manuscript of WINNING THE WAR AT HOME for your review. Thank you for your consideration.
And we have a winner. I'm all over this one.
Here's what I like: it's topical for starters, and yet evergreen. The voice is taut, not over-emotional, but we know the emotion is there. It's been seen by what sound like knowledgeable folks. And I just plain want to read it.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
#74
Dear Query Shark,
My completed 60,000 word manuscript, NODDING PINES, is a work of literary fiction that tells the story of a broken family through the three unique voices that comprise it.
Writing three unique voices is like going to the Writing Olympics. Just cause you look good in a Speedo doesn't make you Michael Phelps. When someone offers me a novel in three voices I cringe. Then the first, actually the ONLY, thing I do is watch how they use language. If the query letter is over written and pedantic, I have zero confidence you are the Michael Phelps of the Shark Pool.
First sign that elevates an eyebrow: that comprise it. (you don't actually need those words for a complete thought.) If you're writing three voices, you'd better have a very keen eye for extra words.
An emotionally unstable young man named Robbie feels as though he has less power over his own words than they have over him, and so he goes silent, refusing to speak to his teachers, classmates, or even his mother.
2nd ; young man named Robbie (Robbie feels he has less)
3rd ; that sentence has all the rhythm of a snake on skates i.e. not much.
Unable to overcome his preoccupation with language, Robbie decides to leave the country as a means of escape.
4th ; this is where my sardonic side takes over. What does leaving the country have to do with going silent? Is he expecting to just get by with sign language or something whilst in Andorra?
Upon his return, he not only discovers himself, but also the remnants of the father he never knew, realizing for the first time that the anxiety and desperation that he feels aren't his alone.
5th ; And here's where you lose me completely: remnants of the father he never knew. I have visions of shredded polo shirts and strips of jockey shorts hanging on the front gate. I know this isn't what you meant of course, but you are trying so hard to be all serious and shit that I can't take you seriously. Your earnestness shines through, and it just makes me want to throw a banana peel in front of you as you jog past. I know this is NOT a good thing about me, and in fact most agents (particularly those who don't actually run something called QUERY SHARK) might have a less bloodthirsty response, but you queried me, so there it is.
Even if you said the letters of the father he never knew you'd be better off.
The fact that you don't actually see this right now is why I doubt you can carry off the three voices thing.
The lost patriarch, Jason, had left behind a series of letters and stories in an attempt to explain himself and his obsessive love of writing that lead to his suicide. He also leaves behind Juliana, who unbeknownst to him, is pregnant with their son. Unable to overcome her similarly obsessive love of Jason, Juliana in turn writes a series of undeliverable letters to him, chronicling their courtship and their difficulties in accepting one another, while trying to somehow finally forgive him.
While reading their letters and learning his family's history, Robbie meets a young woman with whom he believes he may have fallen in love. Despite trying his best to balance these obsessive tendencies that he has inherited, Robbie feels as though he is confronted by a choice of his father's love of writing and his mother's love of love as they battle for dominance in his life. The quirky nature of the protagonist and the narrative each work hand in hand with the emotional story matter, giving it a combined appeal of wit and sensitivity.
I've pretty much stopped reading after the remnants line, but there are some lines that still make me cringe:
1. meets a young woman with whom he believes he may have fallen in love.. he meets her and falls in love instantly? he's in love with her before he meets her? she's a mailorder bride? I know I know, I'm dripping sarcasm here, but that's what happens when you are so caught up in sentence structure that you lose track of what you MEAN.
2. confronted by a choice...this is a false choice. You've set it up that way cause that's how you want the story to be. The story has to work organically. Most young guys even if they are emotionally unstable don't want to be anything like their old fogieremnants parents. They want to be their own bright shining selves. Think about yourself. Do you want to be your mom or your dad? Do you really feel you have to be one or the other?
As for my personal background, I am a 24-year-old graduate of the University of Central Florida. I have not been previously published, but until now, I have never submitted my work with the intention of publication.
And there it is: bango. This line does not convey what you think it does. It makes you sound like an arrogant brat. I'm pretty sure you're not. (right? right?) The reason is that you couple "I haven't been published" with "I haven't submitted." The reader intuits that you believe you have just to submit your work and publishers will fall upon it.
Well, maybe that will be so for you, but it is not my experience in publishing at all. My experience is you're gonna get the snot kicked out of you by rude agents rejecting your stuff and you're going to wonder why.
I am currently at work on my second novel, a futuristic tale of love and social decline. Influential contemporary writers include Jonathan Safran Foer, Nicole Krauss, and Yann Martel, as our works share a certain meta-fictional quality, along with the aforementioned bursts of humor that offset and highlight the emotion.
Leave out the list of people who influenced your work, ok? And please, don't compare yourself to them. After the earlier line it just makes me want to hunt you down drip sardonic on your keyboard.
I very much look forward to your reply.
Well, perhaps not quite as much as you thought.
Sincerely,
Bottom line: you're 24. You just survived undergraduate school. Get a job and write at night. In two years, look back on this query letter and you'll see what I mean. You need some perspective.
Alternatively, start your own online 'zine. See the query letters and cover letters YOU get. Publish a few issues. Include your own work. Doing that will give you some experience that will help both your writing and your perspective.
My completed 60,000 word manuscript, NODDING PINES, is a work of literary fiction that tells the story of a broken family through the three unique voices that comprise it.
Writing three unique voices is like going to the Writing Olympics. Just cause you look good in a Speedo doesn't make you Michael Phelps. When someone offers me a novel in three voices I cringe. Then the first, actually the ONLY, thing I do is watch how they use language. If the query letter is over written and pedantic, I have zero confidence you are the Michael Phelps of the Shark Pool.
First sign that elevates an eyebrow: that comprise it. (you don't actually need those words for a complete thought.) If you're writing three voices, you'd better have a very keen eye for extra words.
An emotionally unstable young man named Robbie feels as though he has less power over his own words than they have over him, and so he goes silent, refusing to speak to his teachers, classmates, or even his mother.
2nd ; young man named Robbie (Robbie feels he has less)
3rd ; that sentence has all the rhythm of a snake on skates i.e. not much.
Unable to overcome his preoccupation with language, Robbie decides to leave the country as a means of escape.
4th ; this is where my sardonic side takes over. What does leaving the country have to do with going silent? Is he expecting to just get by with sign language or something whilst in Andorra?
Upon his return, he not only discovers himself, but also the remnants of the father he never knew, realizing for the first time that the anxiety and desperation that he feels aren't his alone.
5th ; And here's where you lose me completely: remnants of the father he never knew. I have visions of shredded polo shirts and strips of jockey shorts hanging on the front gate. I know this isn't what you meant of course, but you are trying so hard to be all serious and shit that I can't take you seriously. Your earnestness shines through, and it just makes me want to throw a banana peel in front of you as you jog past. I know this is NOT a good thing about me, and in fact most agents (particularly those who don't actually run something called QUERY SHARK) might have a less bloodthirsty response, but you queried me, so there it is.
Even if you said the letters of the father he never knew you'd be better off.
The fact that you don't actually see this right now is why I doubt you can carry off the three voices thing.
The lost patriarch, Jason, had left behind a series of letters and stories in an attempt to explain himself and his obsessive love of writing that lead to his suicide. He also leaves behind Juliana, who unbeknownst to him, is pregnant with their son. Unable to overcome her similarly obsessive love of Jason, Juliana in turn writes a series of undeliverable letters to him, chronicling their courtship and their difficulties in accepting one another, while trying to somehow finally forgive him.
While reading their letters and learning his family's history, Robbie meets a young woman with whom he believes he may have fallen in love. Despite trying his best to balance these obsessive tendencies that he has inherited, Robbie feels as though he is confronted by a choice of his father's love of writing and his mother's love of love as they battle for dominance in his life. The quirky nature of the protagonist and the narrative each work hand in hand with the emotional story matter, giving it a combined appeal of wit and sensitivity.
I've pretty much stopped reading after the remnants line, but there are some lines that still make me cringe:
1. meets a young woman with whom he believes he may have fallen in love.. he meets her and falls in love instantly? he's in love with her before he meets her? she's a mailorder bride? I know I know, I'm dripping sarcasm here, but that's what happens when you are so caught up in sentence structure that you lose track of what you MEAN.
2. confronted by a choice...this is a false choice. You've set it up that way cause that's how you want the story to be. The story has to work organically. Most young guys even if they are emotionally unstable don't want to be anything like their old fogie
As for my personal background, I am a 24-year-old graduate of the University of Central Florida. I have not been previously published, but until now, I have never submitted my work with the intention of publication.
And there it is: bango. This line does not convey what you think it does. It makes you sound like an arrogant brat. I'm pretty sure you're not. (right? right?) The reason is that you couple "I haven't been published" with "I haven't submitted." The reader intuits that you believe you have just to submit your work and publishers will fall upon it.
Well, maybe that will be so for you, but it is not my experience in publishing at all. My experience is you're gonna get the snot kicked out of you by rude agents rejecting your stuff and you're going to wonder why.
I am currently at work on my second novel, a futuristic tale of love and social decline. Influential contemporary writers include Jonathan Safran Foer, Nicole Krauss, and Yann Martel, as our works share a certain meta-fictional quality, along with the aforementioned bursts of humor that offset and highlight the emotion.
Leave out the list of people who influenced your work, ok? And please, don't compare yourself to them. After the earlier line it just makes me want to hunt you down drip sardonic on your keyboard.
I very much look forward to your reply.
Well, perhaps not quite as much as you thought.
Sincerely,
Bottom line: you're 24. You just survived undergraduate school. Get a job and write at night. In two years, look back on this query letter and you'll see what I mean. You need some perspective.
Alternatively, start your own online 'zine. See the query letters and cover letters YOU get. Publish a few issues. Include your own work. Doing that will give you some experience that will help both your writing and your perspective.
#73-Revised 2x
SECOND REVISION
Dear Query Shark,
Fourteen-year-old Samantha doesn’t want to think about the reasons she feels ‘different’. Instead, she immerses herself in the imaginary world of her books. She refuses to hide her fascination with mythical creatures and the fantasy world they inhabit and becomes an outcast at school as a result.
Banished from his position as ruler by his own people, the wizard Slyvanius devises a plot to undo this coup and recapture his former position of power. The wizard’s plan involves blackmail and the kidnapping of a busload of eighth-graders, including Samantha, to use as leverage.
Held hostage by Slyvanius, Samantha is plunged into a world of magic and danger, but since she loves the world of fantasy, she’s able to thrive and succeed for the first time in her life. She bravely makes a deal with the wizard, betting her life for the freedom of her schoolmates. Samantha’s battles with a vicious vampire, a giant wasp, and Slyvanius himself seem oddly familiar and calming to her as she single-handedly attempts to thwart the wizard’s plans.
When she levitates a classmate, befriends a cute fairy boy, and sticks a sword through a powerful dragon in her quest to save her class from imprisonment in a dark castle dungeon, Samantha finds she thrives in this high stakes arena. Along the way she discovers a well-kept family secret that explains why she feels so different.
Don’t Call Me Sam is a 48,000-word fantasy celebrating both the appeal of magic and the power of friends and family.
Thank you for your consideration,
Remember what I said about flat writing further down in the original query? You've still got that problem but you've sharpened the query up enough that I'd actually read a page or two.
You need a REALLY good first page or two here. Make sure you start the story with action. You start with some sort of prologue, or sleeping, dreaming, day dreaming, rumination or other static descriptive thing, and it's not going to keep me reading.
And this is a heck of an improvement from the first effort!-----------------------------------
FIRST REVISION:
Dear Query Shark,
Thirteen-year-old Samanthatakes pride in being a good kid. She won’t admit to herself that, deep down, she's lonely, depressed and angry. She doesn't want to think about the reasons she feels 'different'. Instead, Samantha hides in the imaginary worlds of her books and counts on her best friend, Rose, to help her stay grounded.
Does any thirteen year old actually use "stay grounded?" to describe how they want to be?
Banished by his own people and removed as their ruler, the wizard Slyvanius devises a plan to undo this coup and recapture his former position of power. But, his scheme requires the arrogant and ambitious wizard to kidnap Samantha, Rose, and a bus full of their schoolmates, thrusting the startled kids into a world of magic and danger. Samantha makes a deal with Slyvanius, betting her own life in order to save her friends.
Here's where you lose me. Why does his scheme require a bus full of middle schoolers? What wizard in his right mind wants to deal with a 13-year-old. Even their parents don't much want to do that.
Her battles with ogres, sprites and other mythical creatures seem oddly familiar and calming to Samantha as she almost single-handedly thwarts the plans of this powerful wizard, and proves to herself that she's really 'okay'.
Now this is interesting. Forget the therapy stuff for a minute (well, forget it forever would be better), here's where we first get the sense there's something more going on, there are actual stakes.
Samantha never imagined that she would actually When she levitates a classmate, battles a slimy ogre, sticks a sword through a powerful dragon, befriends a really cute boy fairy or and saves her entire class from imprisonment in a castle dungeon, but she finds she thrives in this high-stakes arena.. Along the way, she discovers that a well-kept family secret is both the source of her inner turmoil and the answer to her anger and sadness as well. that explains why she feels different.
You want to continue the tense from the preceding paragraph (her battles) in the following paragraph (When she). You also want to have the solution match the dilemma from the first paragraph.
Written by a high school student, Don’t Call Me Sam is a 48,000-word fantasy celebrating both the appeal of magic and the power of friends and family.
Don't talk about yourself in the third person. I don't care where you are educationally, but I do care if you're under 18. That means I have to behave myself around you and talk to your mom before I talk to you, so if you're sub-18, mention it. Otherwise, nada.
I would be pleased to send along the complete manuscript for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Rejection with encouraging words.
-------------------------------------------
Original
-----------------------------
Dear Query Shark,
Thirteen year-old Samantha didn’t mind being called a ‘straight edge’. She took pride in being a good kid. But, deep down, she felt angry and struggled to control her temper.
Samantha loved the imaginary world of mythology but is shocked when she realizes that she actually has supernatural abilities herself. These new powers both thrill and scare her. She never dreamed that she would actually:
- levitate a classmate
- battle a slimy ogre
- kill a powerful dragon with a sword thrust though the heart
- befriend a really cute boy fairy
- save her entire class from imprisonment in a castle dungeon
Samantha’s plans for eighth grade didn’t include what was about to happen on the afternoon bus ride home from school. A wicked and powerful wizard has new plans for her and her best friend, Rose.
Samantha’s natural resourcefulness and her burgeoning supernatural skills allow her to fend off the wizard’s repeated attempts to recruit her. After his initial failure to acquire the cooperation of the girls, the wizard attempts to use one of his minions, the clever fairy Percy, to lure Samantha and Rose into a vulnerable position. But, Percy experiences true friendship for the first time in his life and betrays the wizard to become the girls’ advocate and protector, even at the risk of losing his wings.
While avoiding the wizard’s wicked schemes, Samantha desperately searches for a ‘trainer’ in an attempt to harness her magical skills and her temper. She finds just the right mentor and discovers an amazing secret about her family in the process.
This 48,000-word middle-grade/young adult fantasy demonstrates the power of the natural over the supernatural, as it details Samantha’s struggles and triumphs. I would be pleased to send along the complete manuscript for your review.
Ok, let's start with the fact that middle grade and young adult are two pretty distinct categories. They're separated less by subject matter than vocabulary and word count but they are sold and marketed VERY differently. Consider the reason: most young adult readers make their own book purchases, middle grade readers do not. Yes, there are exceptions but generally.
Now, the other thing, and the more important one is that your language here is ... well ... not stimulating. I feel like I'm reading a report about something that happened far far away (sort of like as far back as perhaps my years in middle school are now.)
Girl discovers supernatural abilities, mayhem ensues is pretty pedestrian for a plot too. But then almost anything can sound pedestrian if you use bland language. Do you really want to see boy sees girl, boy loves girl, girl doesn't see boy, girl ignores boy, chaos ensues until a stroke of deus ex machina saves the day? Well, heck no me either. But I sure loved this.
It's not always true that you can make a cliche plot sound interesting by describing it well, but it's worth the risk.
Your query letter is decent form, but your writing does not make me want to read the book.
Language is your toolbox. Sharpen up.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
This is a form rejection.
Dear Query Shark,
Fourteen-year-old Samantha doesn’t want to think about the reasons she feels ‘different’. Instead, she immerses herself in the imaginary world of her books. She refuses to hide her fascination with mythical creatures and the fantasy world they inhabit and becomes an outcast at school as a result.
Banished from his position as ruler by his own people, the wizard Slyvanius devises a plot to undo this coup and recapture his former position of power. The wizard’s plan involves blackmail and the kidnapping of a busload of eighth-graders, including Samantha, to use as leverage.
Held hostage by Slyvanius, Samantha is plunged into a world of magic and danger, but since she loves the world of fantasy, she’s able to thrive and succeed for the first time in her life. She bravely makes a deal with the wizard, betting her life for the freedom of her schoolmates. Samantha’s battles with a vicious vampire, a giant wasp, and Slyvanius himself seem oddly familiar and calming to her as she single-handedly attempts to thwart the wizard’s plans.
When she levitates a classmate, befriends a cute fairy boy, and sticks a sword through a powerful dragon in her quest to save her class from imprisonment in a dark castle dungeon, Samantha finds she thrives in this high stakes arena. Along the way she discovers a well-kept family secret that explains why she feels so different.
Don’t Call Me Sam is a 48,000-word fantasy celebrating both the appeal of magic and the power of friends and family.
Thank you for your consideration,
Remember what I said about flat writing further down in the original query? You've still got that problem but you've sharpened the query up enough that I'd actually read a page or two.
You need a REALLY good first page or two here. Make sure you start the story with action. You start with some sort of prologue, or sleeping, dreaming, day dreaming, rumination or other static descriptive thing, and it's not going to keep me reading.
And this is a heck of an improvement from the first effort!-----------------------------------
FIRST REVISION:
Dear Query Shark,
Thirteen-year-old Samantha
Does any thirteen year old actually use "stay grounded?" to describe how they want to be?
Banished by his own people and removed as their ruler, the wizard Slyvanius devises a plan to undo this coup and recapture his former position of power. But, his scheme requires the arrogant and ambitious wizard to kidnap Samantha, Rose, and a bus full of their schoolmates, thrusting the startled kids into a world of magic and danger. Samantha makes a deal with Slyvanius, betting her own life in order to save her friends.
Here's where you lose me. Why does his scheme require a bus full of middle schoolers? What wizard in his right mind wants to deal with a 13-year-old. Even their parents don't much want to do that.
Her battles with ogres, sprites and other mythical creatures seem oddly familiar and calming to Samantha as she almost single-handedly thwarts the plans of this powerful wizard
Now this is interesting. Forget the therapy stuff for a minute (well, forget it forever would be better), here's where we first get the sense there's something more going on, there are actual stakes.
You want to continue the tense from the preceding paragraph (her battles) in the following paragraph (When she). You also want to have the solution match the dilemma from the first paragraph.
Written by a high school student, Don’t Call Me Sam is a 48,000-word fantasy celebrating both the appeal of magic and the power of friends and family.
Don't talk about yourself in the third person. I don't care where you are educationally, but I do care if you're under 18. That means I have to behave myself around you and talk to your mom before I talk to you, so if you're sub-18, mention it. Otherwise, nada.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Rejection with encouraging words.
-------------------------------------------
Original
-----------------------------
Dear Query Shark,
Thirteen year-old Samantha didn’t mind being called a ‘straight edge’. She took pride in being a good kid. But, deep down, she felt angry and struggled to control her temper.
Samantha loved the imaginary world of mythology but is shocked when she realizes that she actually has supernatural abilities herself. These new powers both thrill and scare her. She never dreamed that she would actually:
- levitate a classmate
- battle a slimy ogre
- kill a powerful dragon with a sword thrust though the heart
- befriend a really cute boy fairy
- save her entire class from imprisonment in a castle dungeon
Samantha’s plans for eighth grade didn’t include what was about to happen on the afternoon bus ride home from school. A wicked and powerful wizard has new plans for her and her best friend, Rose.
Samantha’s natural resourcefulness and her burgeoning supernatural skills allow her to fend off the wizard’s repeated attempts to recruit her. After his initial failure to acquire the cooperation of the girls, the wizard attempts to use one of his minions, the clever fairy Percy, to lure Samantha and Rose into a vulnerable position. But, Percy experiences true friendship for the first time in his life and betrays the wizard to become the girls’ advocate and protector, even at the risk of losing his wings.
While avoiding the wizard’s wicked schemes, Samantha desperately searches for a ‘trainer’ in an attempt to harness her magical skills and her temper. She finds just the right mentor and discovers an amazing secret about her family in the process.
This 48,000-word middle-grade/young adult fantasy demonstrates the power of the natural over the supernatural, as it details Samantha’s struggles and triumphs. I would be pleased to send along the complete manuscript for your review.
Ok, let's start with the fact that middle grade and young adult are two pretty distinct categories. They're separated less by subject matter than vocabulary and word count but they are sold and marketed VERY differently. Consider the reason: most young adult readers make their own book purchases, middle grade readers do not. Yes, there are exceptions but generally.
Now, the other thing, and the more important one is that your language here is ... well ... not stimulating. I feel like I'm reading a report about something that happened far far away (sort of like as far back as perhaps my years in middle school are now.)
Girl discovers supernatural abilities, mayhem ensues is pretty pedestrian for a plot too. But then almost anything can sound pedestrian if you use bland language. Do you really want to see boy sees girl, boy loves girl, girl doesn't see boy, girl ignores boy, chaos ensues until a stroke of deus ex machina saves the day? Well, heck no me either. But I sure loved this.
It's not always true that you can make a cliche plot sound interesting by describing it well, but it's worth the risk.
Your query letter is decent form, but your writing does not make me want to read the book.
Language is your toolbox. Sharpen up.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
This is a form rejection.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
#72
Dear Query Shark:
Mollie McWigglebutt is about to be turned into a Brussels sprout by a witch.Or so she believes when she hears a strange tapping on her bedroom window late one night. Her parents say monsters don’t exist, but Mollie knows better. She’s certain a toe-eating monster lives beneath bed and steals her dirty socks for it’s its Grubby Sock Casserole. Why else would they be disappearing?
This doesn't make sense. Kids who are afraid of the dark aren't afraid of being made into vegetables. They are afraid of being bitten or eaten or chomped on much like you get chomped on here in the Shark Tank.
Will Mollie face her fear of the dark and defeat the witch, or will she be doomed to live her life as a Brussels sprout in a strange monster realm?
There's nothing distinctive here. What you need to focus on is HOW Mollie faces her fears, not that she has them. Does she hang Hindu prayer flags? Does she sacrifice virgins? Does she elect John McCain? Oh wait, she's only seven right, she can't vote.
Children (ages 7-10) reading my chapter book Things That Go Bump in the Night (3478 words) will laugh, cheer, and tingle with anticipation as they journey with Mollie on her quest to conquer her fears.
This is the sentence that says "amateur hour" to me. Don't tell me how people will react. SHOW me by writing a query letter that makes ME laugh, cheer, and tingle. I may not be 7 but I love Fancy Nancy and Olivia and cupcakes too. And so do children's book agents to whom you will direct this query when it's fixed up.
Books similar to mine are:
Julie B. Jones Has a Monster Under Her Bed by Barbara Park
Oh Bother! Someone's Afraid of the Dark! by Betty Birney
Whooos's Haunting the Teeny Tiny Ghost? by Kay Winters
You don't have to list books that are similar to yours. That's something for a non-fiction book proposal.
With the exception of the book written by Ms. Parks, the above listed book targets the younger reader.
Some older children are still afraid of the dark (like my elder son) and that's my reason for writing the book. The main character in my book depends very little on her parents, and is empowered by her own actions and decisions.
This isn't targeted to irrational seven year olds? What's the demographic? Remember kids read UP the age bracket not down. That means a ten year old does NOT want to read about a 7-year-old; s/he wants to read about a 12-year-old.
My book also contains the original Peanut Butter Song (sung to the tune of "You are my sunshine"), which was a hit with my test audience of 6-10 year-olds.
Words fail me. Please tell me you didn't include a CD.
My works have appeared in ezines, newspapers and magazines, including Sasee, Adoption Today, Story Station, Holiday Crafts 4 Kids, and JustForMom.com
Works? Do you mean stories? Essays? Illustrations?
I am also a contributor to anthology collections such as Laughing and Learning: Adventures in Parenting, Chicken Soup for the Dog Lover's Soul, and Chicken Soup for the Coffee Lover's Soul.
I also have experience promoting and organizing my own book signings.
Really? Why?
I found your agency listing through a fellow writer, who spoke highly of the company.
Thank you for considering "Things that go Bump in the Night". I have included the first five and a half pages in the body of this email.
Unless you were referred by a client or someone I actually know, having someone tell you I'm the cat's pjs is baseless flattery. While I'm not all that opposed to baseless flattery it should be accompanied by the now famous twenty dollar bill.
Mollie McWigglebutt is about to be turned into a Brussels sprout by a witch.
This doesn't make sense. Kids who are afraid of the dark aren't afraid of being made into vegetables. They are afraid of being bitten or eaten or chomped on much like you get chomped on here in the Shark Tank.
Will Mollie face her fear of the dark and defeat the witch, or will she be doomed to live her life as a Brussels sprout in a strange monster realm?
There's nothing distinctive here. What you need to focus on is HOW Mollie faces her fears, not that she has them. Does she hang Hindu prayer flags? Does she sacrifice virgins? Does she elect John McCain? Oh wait, she's only seven right, she can't vote.
Children (ages 7-10) reading my chapter book Things That Go Bump in the Night (3478 words) will laugh, cheer, and tingle with anticipation as they journey with Mollie on her quest to conquer her fears.
This is the sentence that says "amateur hour" to me. Don't tell me how people will react. SHOW me by writing a query letter that makes ME laugh, cheer, and tingle. I may not be 7 but I love Fancy Nancy and Olivia and cupcakes too. And so do children's book agents to whom you will direct this query when it's fixed up.
Books similar to mine are:
Julie B. Jones Has a Monster Under Her Bed by Barbara Park
Oh Bother! Someone's Afraid of the Dark! by Betty Birney
Whooos's Haunting the Teeny Tiny Ghost? by Kay Winters
You don't have to list books that are similar to yours. That's something for a non-fiction book proposal.
With the exception of the book written by Ms. Parks, the above listed book targets the younger reader.
Some older children are still afraid of the dark (like my elder son) and that's my reason for writing the book. The main character in my book depends very little on her parents, and is empowered by her own actions and decisions.
This isn't targeted to irrational seven year olds? What's the demographic? Remember kids read UP the age bracket not down. That means a ten year old does NOT want to read about a 7-year-old; s/he wants to read about a 12-year-old.
My book also contains the original Peanut Butter Song (sung to the tune of "You are my sunshine"), which was a hit with my test audience of 6-10 year-olds.
Words fail me. Please tell me you didn't include a CD.
My works have appeared in ezines, newspapers and magazines, including Sasee, Adoption Today, Story Station, Holiday Crafts 4 Kids, and JustForMom.com
Works? Do you mean stories? Essays? Illustrations?
I am also a contributor to anthology collections such as Laughing and Learning: Adventures in Parenting, Chicken Soup for the Dog Lover's Soul, and Chicken Soup for the Coffee Lover's Soul.
I also have experience promoting and organizing my own book signings.
Really? Why?
Thank you for considering "Things that go Bump in the Night". I have included the first five and a half pages in the body of this email.
Unless you were referred by a client or someone I actually know, having someone tell you I'm the cat's pjs is baseless flattery. While I'm not all that opposed to baseless flattery it should be accompanied by the now famous twenty dollar bill.
#71
Dear Query Shark:
In a sunless, frozen world, the landscape is difficult to travel, cities are built underground, and wars are fought with assassins, not armies. The king's city of Vastii is a corrupt metropolis struggling to recover from a recent plague that had ravaged the working class; its tunnels are rife with mercenaries, murderers, insurgents, thieves, and members of a secret police who feel that the sword is the best way to hold back a violent revolution.
Avoid the temptation to set the scene in a query letter. You don't have enough page space to do that. Start with who matters, and what's at stake.
When a lord of a prominent city north of Vastii turns hostile to the monarchy, the king takes his niece Wyrren Jadis as a political hostage to prevent her family from aiding the rebellion. The king also has a twelve-year-old grudge against the Jadis family, and with his niece under heavy guard in his palace, he attempts to make Wyrren accuse her father of murder.
Between betraying her father and endangering herself and her companions, Wyrren instead looks to fight a king in his own court with what little resources she has: a formal education in government, a specialty in a non-combative magic, three female bodyguards posing as her maids, a high ranking slave allowed access to the city, and whomever is willing to associate with a woman outside of the king's favor. The most powerful of her potential allies is an ambitious young nobleman who may or may not have honorable intentions.
This paragraph is where you finally get to what you should have started with. Wyrren is going to do battle with the king so she doesn't have to betray her father to her uncle. Ok...so what? Maybe her father IS a murderer and a snake (no offense to snakes of course, some of my dearest colleagues are rather slithery.)
And unless there's some sort of twist on this story, I'm left thinking ya ya ya, who isn't battling a wicked uncle these days.
Blue Crystal is a complete novel of 95,000 words, written for adults who enjoy action, intrigue, and dark fantasy. I've included the first X pages.
Thank you!
Right now you don't have anything that makes me want to call you up and demand pages instantly. There's no hook of any kind, and nothing about the plot suggests an interesting twist or dilemma.
Form rejection.
In a sunless, frozen world, the landscape is difficult to travel, cities are built underground, and wars are fought with assassins, not armies. The king's city of Vastii is a corrupt metropolis struggling to recover from a recent plague that had ravaged the working class; its tunnels are rife with mercenaries, murderers, insurgents, thieves, and members of a secret police who feel that the sword is the best way to hold back a violent revolution.
Avoid the temptation to set the scene in a query letter. You don't have enough page space to do that. Start with who matters, and what's at stake.
When a lord of a prominent city north of Vastii turns hostile to the monarchy, the king takes his niece Wyrren Jadis as a political hostage to prevent her family from aiding the rebellion. The king also has a twelve-year-old grudge against the Jadis family, and with his niece under heavy guard in his palace, he attempts to make Wyrren accuse her father of murder.
Between betraying her father and endangering herself and her companions, Wyrren instead looks to fight a king in his own court with what little resources she has: a formal education in government, a specialty in a non-combative magic, three female bodyguards posing as her maids, a high ranking slave allowed access to the city, and whomever is willing to associate with a woman outside of the king's favor. The most powerful of her potential allies is an ambitious young nobleman who may or may not have honorable intentions.
This paragraph is where you finally get to what you should have started with. Wyrren is going to do battle with the king so she doesn't have to betray her father to her uncle. Ok...so what? Maybe her father IS a murderer and a snake (no offense to snakes of course, some of my dearest colleagues are rather slithery.)
And unless there's some sort of twist on this story, I'm left thinking ya ya ya, who isn't battling a wicked uncle these days.
Blue Crystal is a complete novel of 95,000 words, written for adults who enjoy action, intrigue, and dark fantasy. I've included the first X pages.
Thank you!
Right now you don't have anything that makes me want to call you up and demand pages instantly. There's no hook of any kind, and nothing about the plot suggests an interesting twist or dilemma.
Form rejection.
#70-Revised
REVISION
Dear Query Shark
Dr. Abigail Wade is a gifted virologist.Her only true confidante is a Great Dane named Extra and she hasn't has a date since Poison was popular. She is sanctioned by a major pharmaceutical company to find a cure for the deadly Gemini virus.
Sanctioned? This is an odd word choice. Sanctioned means directed to, or to give approval for (it also means other stuff too of course). It doesn't fit here unless the pharmaceutical company controls the virus, and thus who gets to do research about it. If that's the case, you still don't want to use that word cause it gives the game way. And the second sentence has NOTHING to do with anything that follows.
Once the vital antidote is discovered, instead of being celebrated, she finds herself on the run from corporate assassins. Everyone else that had been working on the project turns up missing or dead. Dr. Wade learns that the owner of her company, Dalton Taggart, is bartering with terrorists and if she does not stop them, innocent people will be intentionally infected. If the demands of the terrorists are not met, treatment will not be granted to the sick. The situation is compounded when the cure suddenly no longer works. Dr. Wade must solve the puzzle and overtake Taggart’s henchmen before the terrorists come to collect.
This is a mishmash. I know it makes sense to you cause you know what you want to say, but it doesn't make sense to me at all. She discovers the antidote, then she's on the run. Well, there are a couple connecting points missing there. And when does everyone on her team die or disappear. You're starting at the wrong point. Start when the problem starts-when she discovers the people on her team are turning up dead or missing. Does she know why? She obviously doesn't want to join them so what does she have to do -specifically- to keep that from happening. And what bad thing will happen if she does do it?
PROJECT GEMINI is a medical thriller that wields a mix of suspense, science and a touch of humor. This novel is complete at 80,000 words and would be appealing to those who enjoy the works of Robin Cook and Michael Palmer.
I am a Pharmacy Technician and Pre-Med major. I have worked as a Medical Assistant inside of a Laboratory for twelve years and have done extensive research, as well, to maintain accuracy.
I am seeking representation for this novel. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or the entire manuscript at your request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Form rejection
-------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark
I am a Pharmacy Technician and Pre-Med major, and my recently completed 80,000 word thriller PROJECT GEMINI follows a female virologist who is trying to cure a seemingly unstoppable disease. Soon everyone working on the project is either missing or dead and she finds herself on the run from corporate assassins while fighting to keep the vaccine out of terrorists’ hands. PROJECT GEMINI wields a mix of suspense, science and a touch of humor. It is a woman’s take on the genre pioneered by Robin Cook and Michael Palmer.
This is an unholy mess. If someone presented this to you as a list of symptoms cause they were feeling poorly you'd make them stop, and start again. Just think of what follows as an intervention:
First, "female virologist" sounds like you're describing a lab project. What's her name?
"seemingly unstoppable disease" could be the common cold. It could be AIDS. It could be racism, alcoholism, or (my favorite) stupidity. Be specific.
Everyone working on the project is missing or dead? I gotta tell you, any normal person would take that as a sign to get the HELL out of the lab, move to Wichita, Kansas and enroll in the Ag program there. At least those guys aren't trying to kill you. Of course, I'm being sardonic here but if someone is going to be this hellbent on doing something no one in their right mind would, there better be a reason. And it can't be cause the terrorists/corporate assassins kidnapped her son/husband/boss/mom/cat.
Are the corporate assassins and the terrorists the same people? If they aren't you've got too much going on here.
"A woman's take" just offends the hell out of me. I don't think you as a lady author, and I don't think of Michael Palmer's book as "a man's take" on anything. I think of his books as page turners written by a ripping good novelist. So shoot me, I'm sensitive on the subject, but then I'm sensitive about how language is used in general.
I would be honored to provide you with a partial or the entire manuscript on an exclusive basis. If you are interested, please respond and I will send it via email or snail mail at your request.
Please can the crap about honored. Of course you want me to read your pages, and face it, you think I'm an idiot if I don't request them. I understand and accept that.
And "if you are interested, please respond" is like saying "please breathe in through your nose as you read this". Stating the obvious is best left to direct testimony in front of the grand jury, and teaching three year olds how to use the bathroom (first take OFF the pants).
And don't get me started on offering! OFFERING!!! an exclusives in a query letter. Have you not read my blog?? Exclusives stink. Don't do this. Not now, not ever.
Thank you for your time, patience and consideration.
Let's hope I don't actually NEED patience when reading your query, ok?
Dear Query Shark
Dr. Abigail Wade is a gifted virologist.
Sanctioned? This is an odd word choice. Sanctioned means directed to, or to give approval for (it also means other stuff too of course). It doesn't fit here unless the pharmaceutical company controls the virus, and thus who gets to do research about it. If that's the case, you still don't want to use that word cause it gives the game way. And the second sentence has NOTHING to do with anything that follows.
Once the vital antidote is discovered, instead of being celebrated, she finds herself on the run from corporate assassins. Everyone else that had been working on the project turns up missing or dead. Dr. Wade learns that the owner of her company, Dalton Taggart, is bartering with terrorists and if she does not stop them, innocent people will be intentionally infected. If the demands of the terrorists are not met, treatment will not be granted to the sick. The situation is compounded when the cure suddenly no longer works. Dr. Wade must solve the puzzle and overtake Taggart’s henchmen before the terrorists come to collect.
This is a mishmash. I know it makes sense to you cause you know what you want to say, but it doesn't make sense to me at all. She discovers the antidote, then she's on the run. Well, there are a couple connecting points missing there. And when does everyone on her team die or disappear. You're starting at the wrong point. Start when the problem starts-when she discovers the people on her team are turning up dead or missing. Does she know why? She obviously doesn't want to join them so what does she have to do -specifically- to keep that from happening. And what bad thing will happen if she does do it?
PROJECT GEMINI is a medical thriller that wields a mix of suspense, science and a touch of humor. This novel is complete at 80,000 words and would be appealing to those who enjoy the works of Robin Cook and Michael Palmer.
I am a Pharmacy Technician and Pre-Med major. I have worked as a Medical Assistant inside of a Laboratory for twelve years and have done extensive research, as well, to maintain accuracy.
I am seeking representation for this novel. I would be happy to provide you with a partial or the entire manuscript at your request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Form rejection
-------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark
I am a Pharmacy Technician and Pre-Med major, and my recently completed 80,000 word thriller PROJECT GEMINI follows a female virologist who is trying to cure a seemingly unstoppable disease. Soon everyone working on the project is either missing or dead and she finds herself on the run from corporate assassins while fighting to keep the vaccine out of terrorists’ hands. PROJECT GEMINI wields a mix of suspense, science and a touch of humor. It is a woman’s take on the genre pioneered by Robin Cook and Michael Palmer.
This is an unholy mess. If someone presented this to you as a list of symptoms cause they were feeling poorly you'd make them stop, and start again. Just think of what follows as an intervention:
First, "female virologist" sounds like you're describing a lab project. What's her name?
"seemingly unstoppable disease" could be the common cold. It could be AIDS. It could be racism, alcoholism, or (my favorite) stupidity. Be specific.
Everyone working on the project is missing or dead? I gotta tell you, any normal person would take that as a sign to get the HELL out of the lab, move to Wichita, Kansas and enroll in the Ag program there. At least those guys aren't trying to kill you. Of course, I'm being sardonic here but if someone is going to be this hellbent on doing something no one in their right mind would, there better be a reason. And it can't be cause the terrorists/corporate assassins kidnapped her son/husband/boss/mom/cat.
Are the corporate assassins and the terrorists the same people? If they aren't you've got too much going on here.
"A woman's take" just offends the hell out of me. I don't think you as a lady author, and I don't think of Michael Palmer's book as "a man's take" on anything. I think of his books as page turners written by a ripping good novelist. So shoot me, I'm sensitive on the subject, but then I'm sensitive about how language is used in general.
I would be honored to provide you with a partial or the entire manuscript on an exclusive basis. If you are interested, please respond and I will send it via email or snail mail at your request.
Please can the crap about honored. Of course you want me to read your pages, and face it, you think I'm an idiot if I don't request them. I understand and accept that.
And "if you are interested, please respond" is like saying "please breathe in through your nose as you read this". Stating the obvious is best left to direct testimony in front of the grand jury, and teaching three year olds how to use the bathroom (first take OFF the pants).
And don't get me started on offering! OFFERING!!! an exclusives in a query letter. Have you not read my blog?? Exclusives stink. Don't do this. Not now, not ever.
Thank you for your time
Let's hope I don't actually NEED patience when reading your query, ok?
#69
Dear Query Shark:
Aside from a primal need for food, water, shelter and warmth, most of us want the same things from life...love, security, a sense of self-worth and a modicum of success. For some, these needs are met easily while others must overcome tremendous obstacles to achieve them.
Unless you are introducing a discourse on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, this is so general as to be meaningless. It's also very obvious, and thus NOT a hook. A hook generates a response of "oh! I didn't know that, I want to know more!"
Despite a lifetime of dealing with tragedy and betrayal, four young women who are doctors, partners and friends come to terms with their troubled pasts by approaching life with faith in themselves, in God and in the power of love. Each meets the man of her dreams, all of whom must overcome difficulties of their own to be worthy of the women they love.
Again, you're bogged down in generalization. Focus on ONE person. What's her problem? What's at stake? Why will care about her?
I am seeking publication of my novel, Second Chances, a completed work of literary fiction of approximately 99,075 words. The characters and the plot were developed using descriptive language, irony, strong emotions and consistency.
My guess is that they are not. I'm guessing this because your query letter does not use descriptive language, irony, or strong emotion. I'm not sure what you mean when you say your characters and plot were developed using consistency. If you mean they are consistent, the first question I would ask is consistent with what?
The story concerns an interfaith marriage laced with anti-semitism, a marriage of convenience to facilitate an adoption, a marriage nearly destroyed by hidden guilt and a marriage surviving adultery and betrayal.
Finally here you start talking about something other than platitudes. You'd do better to start here, be specific and haul out some of that promised descriptive language.
I would appreciate the opportunity to send you a sample of my work. I look forward to your response. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Form rejection.
Aside from a primal need for food, water, shelter and warmth, most of us want the same things from life...love, security, a sense of self-worth and a modicum of success. For some, these needs are met easily while others must overcome tremendous obstacles to achieve them.
Unless you are introducing a discourse on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, this is so general as to be meaningless. It's also very obvious, and thus NOT a hook. A hook generates a response of "oh! I didn't know that, I want to know more!"
Despite a lifetime of dealing with tragedy and betrayal, four young women who are doctors, partners and friends come to terms with their troubled pasts by approaching life with faith in themselves, in God and in the power of love. Each meets the man of her dreams, all of whom must overcome difficulties of their own to be worthy of the women they love.
Again, you're bogged down in generalization. Focus on ONE person. What's her problem? What's at stake? Why will care about her?
I am seeking publication of my novel, Second Chances, a completed work of literary fiction of approximately 99,075 words. The characters and the plot were developed using descriptive language, irony, strong emotions and consistency.
My guess is that they are not. I'm guessing this because your query letter does not use descriptive language, irony, or strong emotion. I'm not sure what you mean when you say your characters and plot were developed using consistency. If you mean they are consistent, the first question I would ask is consistent with what?
The story concerns an interfaith marriage laced with anti-semitism, a marriage of convenience to facilitate an adoption, a marriage nearly destroyed by hidden guilt and a marriage surviving adultery and betrayal.
Finally here you start talking about something other than platitudes. You'd do better to start here, be specific and haul out some of that promised descriptive language.
Form rejection.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
#68
Ideas registered at Writer's Guild
What? Writers Guild is for screenplays. Here's their website.
This isn't something I know a lot about since I don't represent screenplays or scripts but I don't think you register ideas, you register the pages. The purpose is to protect your actual work during the hubub of those pitch meetings with Griffin Mill
Starting your "query letter" to me with that tells me two things: you don't know what I represent and you don't know what a literary agency does.
Book One
Jill's father, Jerry has recently died in a car crash while her mother, Sarah was driving. Because Jill was very close to Jerry, she blames her mother for her father's death. And now that her mother has 'got religious', Jill is finding herself more and more angry at the peace that Sarah has found. Jill wonders why God doesn't love her. After moving to a new school and making several friends, Jill finds herself making a mistake which may ultimately cost her a decent future. How can anyone love her now? When sister, Anna nearly loses her life, Jill finally reaches out to God, who brings some healing to Jill's family.
Book Two
Jill's continues her journey with Christ. Her relationship is still healing with her mother but she is surprised at the peace and forgiveness she feels. She is excited to begin working for God to bring others to him and begins to work on friend, Ashley. Ashley is quite boy crazy and doesn't want to attend church until she meets Jill's secret love, Matt. Jill desperately wants to save Ashley, until she discovers that it is not she, but Christ who does the saving. Jill's friend Kelly, ends up leading Ashley to God. Jill struggles with some disappointment, and feels jealousy over Matt.
Book Three
Jill, still nursing her crush on Matt, begins her senior year. Ashley is no longer interested in Matt. Ashley is still crazy, but now crazy about Christ and begins to woo many kids to church. Jill still struggles with inadequacy because witnessing seems so easy for Ashley. She 'complains' to Matt who rather roughly encourages Jill. Jill and Kelly are still close friends.
This isn't a query letter. This is a recitation of events.
Start over.
Form rejection
(name redacted)
(phone redacted)
What? Writers Guild is for screenplays. Here's their website.
This isn't something I know a lot about since I don't represent screenplays or scripts but I don't think you register ideas, you register the pages. The purpose is to protect your actual work during the hubub of those pitch meetings with Griffin Mill
Starting your "query letter" to me with that tells me two things: you don't know what I represent and you don't know what a literary agency does.
Book One
Jill's father, Jerry has recently died in a car crash while her mother, Sarah was driving. Because Jill was very close to Jerry, she blames her mother for her father's death. And now that her mother has 'got religious', Jill is finding herself more and more angry at the peace that Sarah has found. Jill wonders why God doesn't love her. After moving to a new school and making several friends, Jill finds herself making a mistake which may ultimately cost her a decent future. How can anyone love her now? When sister, Anna nearly loses her life, Jill finally reaches out to God, who brings some healing to Jill's family.
Book Two
Jill's continues her journey with Christ. Her relationship is still healing with her mother but she is surprised at the peace and forgiveness she feels. She is excited to begin working for God to bring others to him and begins to work on friend, Ashley. Ashley is quite boy crazy and doesn't want to attend church until she meets Jill's secret love, Matt. Jill desperately wants to save Ashley, until she discovers that it is not she, but Christ who does the saving. Jill's friend Kelly, ends up leading Ashley to God. Jill struggles with some disappointment, and feels jealousy over Matt.
Book Three
Jill, still nursing her crush on Matt, begins her senior year. Ashley is no longer interested in Matt. Ashley is still crazy, but now crazy about Christ and begins to woo many kids to church. Jill still struggles with inadequacy because witnessing seems so easy for Ashley. She 'complains' to Matt who rather roughly encourages Jill. Jill and Kelly are still close friends.
This isn't a query letter. This is a recitation of events.
Start over.
Form rejection
(name redacted)
(phone redacted)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
#67
Dear Query Shark,
Molly is a seven year old with a big problem. Her mom has not been acting normally for days. She stays in her bedroom for hours and Molly can hear her crying. Why?
The answer will be revealed as the story unfolds. Molly's mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Molly and her family live with all the ups and downs of going through cancer.
This is a book to read to children to help them understand what to expect when breast cancer has become an unwelcome guest in their family.
As a breast cancer survivor and mother myself, I want to write this book to make it easier for parents to answer questions that children may have about Mom, Grandma, an aunt or a friend as they go through this very common cancer.
This is my first book,and I'd like your opinion of my idea. I'm planning on it being a 32 page book with illustrations. Thank you for your time.
First, you're not writing to an agent to get his/her opinion of your idea. You're writing to ask them to represent it. You don't have to say that, but the universal purpose of a query letter is "do you want to take me on as a client."
Second, you want to give us a sense of the story of the book. Molly's mom is sad...then what.
There are 100 books that come up when you look for "telling kids about cancer" on Amazon so you'll also need to mention what makes this book different/better/ special.
Sincerely,
Molly is a seven year old with a big problem. Her mom has not been acting normally for days. She stays in her bedroom for hours and Molly can hear her crying. Why?
The answer will be revealed as the story unfolds. Molly's mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Molly and her family live with all the ups and downs of going through cancer.
This is a book to read to children to help them understand what to expect when breast cancer has become an unwelcome guest in their family.
As a breast cancer survivor and mother myself, I want to write this book to make it easier for parents to answer questions that children may have about Mom, Grandma, an aunt or a friend as they go through this very common cancer.
This is my first book,
First, you're not writing to an agent to get his/her opinion of your idea. You're writing to ask them to represent it. You don't have to say that, but the universal purpose of a query letter is "do you want to take me on as a client."
Second, you want to give us a sense of the story of the book. Molly's mom is sad...then what.
There are 100 books that come up when you look for "telling kids about cancer" on Amazon so you'll also need to mention what makes this book different/better/ special.
Sincerely,
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