#189-revised

Dear QueryShark:

Finally, the answer to the burning question of the ages: just how did the seven Gilligan’s Island castaways end up on the Minnow together anyway? Why would a millionaire couple be taking a three-hour tour on such a boat in the first place, let alone with a farm girl, a professor, and a movie star?

The commercial fiction IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE answers these questions and more.

IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE adheres strictly to the legal definition of parody, and thus uses derivative characters under the fair use doctrine. Nevertheless, parodying our beloved seven stranded castaways might very possibly cause a stir. Are you afraid of a bit of controversy? If not, then read on…

And here's where I stop reading.  It's clear you don't understand how this works.  This isn't controversial. There's NOTHING controversial here.  What you've got here is a novel based on characters created by someone else, using their names, and their situation.  If you think it's parody and protected by fair use go ahead and publish it yourself.  

What you're asking in a query letter is if I will represent it for sale to a publisher.  And the people who decide whether it's parody and fair use is NOT the author.  It's the legal department at BigBucksPublishing.  And those guys are paid a lot of money to keep their employer out of court.

This won't pass muster with them.  I absolutely guarantee this.  The reason is that even IF this is fair use, the creators of the television show can sue you for infringement. It doesn't matter if you are right: court costs will kill you.

Your opinion doesn't matter here.

The body of Ginger Grant’s Hollywood agent, Charles Schwartz, washes up on Sand Island in Honolulu. Detectives Steve McDonald and Danny Wilson are on the case. Their investigation quickly focuses on the seven future castaways, who all have a motive to knock off Schwartz.

Movie star Ginger Grant, B-movie actress who tried sleeping her way to the top, and who is having an affair with Thurston Howell III. Did she kill her agent because he couldn’t get her A-movie roles?

Jonas Grumby, aka Skipper, and brain damaged simpleton Gilligan, gay lovers who were the last to see Schwartz alive. Schwartz was responsible for Gilligan’s head injury. Perhaps they wanted revenge?

Mrs. Howell, socialite and Nazi collaborator with her Uncle Franz Müller, pursuing the secret island Santou reputed to have guano with miraculous healing powers. Perhaps they wanted Schwartz dead for being a member of the Jewish family who runs the department store that’s the chief rival to Howell’s?

Or maybe Mr. Howell killed Schwartz to end the blackmail resulting from pictures taken of him and Grumby in a compromising encounter years before, during Howell’s “wild oats” phase?

Or perhaps Schwartz was murdered for keeping Santou a secret during World War II. So secret the Japanese and the Germans both coveted it. And it’s still secret in 1964, when our story takes place… Even though the Howells own it… And exiled Nazis from South America still want it…

McDonald and Wilson eventually finger Professor Roy Hinkley. Hinkley’s anger gets the better of his superior intellect, as he holds a grudge against Schwartz for years for depriving him of sufficient quantities of the magical guano for his scientific tests.

And then there’s the Howells’ son Thirsty, who wants his father out of the way so that he can take over the Howell oil business. He hopes Ginger can talk some sense into his father, but then Uncle Franz comes up with a better plan: maroon the elder Howell on Santou Island.

Thirsty recruits his college girlfriend Mary Ann Summers, a huge Ginger Grant fan, to talk Ginger and his father into a secret trip to an exclusive resort. Captained by Skipper Grumby and his first mate Gilligan, of course. But the conspirators’ carefully laid plans go awry when Mrs. Howell gets wind of her husband’s infidelities and joins the voyage… then Hinkley is convinced he’ll finally be able to collect his coveted guano, so he comes along… and Mary Ann doesn’t want to be left out, so she jumps on board as well…

This parallel novel is complete at 56,000 words. For more information on the novel, please see its Web page at (redacted)

I have written hundreds of nonfiction articles, white papers, and other pieces over the last twenty years, and I coauthored the books (redacted) IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE is my first novel.

I am sending you this query because buzz sells books, and Query Shark is the first step to building buzz.

This is utter horseshit.  Who do you think reads this blog? Writers looking for query help. This is the last place you'll find buzz being built.

I’m attaching the prologue and first chapter. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Don't ever attach anything unless the agent website specifically says "attach". Paste all the requested items into the body of the email.  This is a no-exceptions rule.

Form rejection.

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Dear QueryShark:

Finally, the answer to the burning question of the ages: just how did the seven Gilligan’s Island castaways end up on the Minnow together anyway? Why would a millionaire couple be taking a three-hour tour on such a boat in the first place, let alone with a farm girl, a professor, and a movie star?

And here's where I stop reading. The characters from Gilligan Island, indeed the characters in every television show are covered by copyright. You can't just use them in a book cause you want to. You need permission from the copyright owner. In the case of Gilligan's Island it's Turner Broadcasting.

Those departments have forms to fill out and among the questions they ask is Who is going to publish the book; How many copies will be printed; Where will the books be sold and so forth.

Without a publishing contract you don't know the answer to any of those questions.

However, a publisher or agent knows full well you need those permissions. To take this book on means you'd risk all the work being for nothing if permissions are denied OR they are too expensive (yes, copyright holders charge you money to use their stuff--and YOU pay it, NOT the publisher.)

So, if you have already secured permission to use the characters in your book, and you might have, that's the information you start with. If you haven't you're going to be hard pressed to find anyone who's going to keep reading.

The commercial fiction IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE answers these questions and more.

The body of Ginger Grant’s Hollywood agent, Charles Schwartz, washes up on Sand Island in Honolulu. Steve McGarrett and Dan “Danno” Williams are on the case. Their investigation quickly focuses on the seven future castaways.

Egad. Hawaii Five-O is a CURRENT television show. It's one thing to get clearance for an old show. There's no way a television company is going to let you use characters from a current show. They've simply got too much money at stake. They get no benefit from letting you do it, and run the risk of you damaging their (intellectual) property.

Movie star Ginger Grant, B-movie actress who tried sleeping her way to the top, and who is having an affair with Thurston Howell III. Did she kill her agent because he couldn’t get her A-movie roles?

Jonas Grumby, aka Skipper, and brain damaged simpleton Gilligan, gay lovers who were the last to see Schwartz alive. Schwartz was responsible for Gilligan’s head injury. Perhaps they wanted revenge?


Mrs. Howell, socialite and Nazi collaborator with her Uncle Franz, pursuing the secret island Santou reputed to have guano with miraculous healing powers. Perhaps they wanted Schwartz dead for being a member of the Jewish family who runs the department store that’s the chief rival to Howell’s?

Or maybe Mr. Howell killed Schwartz to end the blackmail resulting from pictures taken of him and Grumby in a compromising encounter years before?

I thought Mr. Howell was having an affair with Ginger?

Perhaps it was Professor Roy Hinkley, who blames Schwartz for depriving him of sufficient quantities of the magical guano for his scientific tests?

What about the Howells’ son Thirsty, who wants his father out of the way so that he can take over the Howell oil business?

Or perhaps Schwartz was murdered for keeping Santou a secret during World War II. So secret the Japanese and the Germans both coveted it. And it’s still secret in 1964, when our story takes place… Even though the Howells now own it… And exiled Nazis from South America still want it….

This parallel novel is complete at 56,000 words. While the characters are derivative, the story is entirely original. For more information on the novel, please see its Web page (redacted)


I have written hundreds of nonfiction articles, white papers, and other pieces over the last twenty years, and I coauthored the books (redacted)(Hayden Books, 1996), (redacted) (SAMS Publishing, 2002), and (redacted) (John Wiley & Sons, 2006). IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE is my first novel.


I am sending this query to you because IF NOT FOR THE COURAGE lacks a single protagonist, and thus isn't amenable to the standard query letter template. So, if I can get your attention with this query I know I'm on the right track.

The form isn't the problem here. It's the entire novel. 

And you haven't answered the question you started with: how did the characters get on the boat. This is all set up and possible motivation for killing the agent (as if anyone needs motivation to kill an agent.) 

Even forgetting the clearance problem, you still need an emotionally satisfying ending to the story and it's not "they get stranded on a desert island for seven years." In other words, you have to solve the crime. 

That means that whoever gets killed is the natural focus of the query: lots of people have motive to kill Charles Schwartz is probably a better way to start the query, and then focus on the relationship each of the castaways has with the agent, and their motive to kill him.  

And who solves the crime? If the castaways solve it in unison, you can simply refer to them in the collective sense.  Otherwise, the character who solves the crime is the prime candidate for protagonist.

I’m attaching the prologue and first chapter. I’m looking forward to your response! Thank you for your time and consideration

I'm pretty sure you're not looking forward to this response, but your optimism is rather sweet.

Sincerely,

#188 - Revised

Dear Query Shark,

Seventeen year old faery Penelope Hue is stuck between two worlds. She lives in a faery Colony settled outside a human town. The Council that rules her Colony hasn’t let anyone into the Queen’s realm in years. No one knows why. So she breaks the rules, disguises herself as a human, and sneaks into the town nearby. She finds comfort, a home almost, in their ways.

What's the Queen's realm? You don't have character soup here, you have location soup, a new item on the menu of "Things To Avoid in a Query!"

Is the Queen's realm the same thing as the human town? That doesn't make much sense to me.

After a Demon once thought banished (the breed that took her father) returns and attacks both humans and faeries alike, she discovers how good a Demon killer she is. She can fight the Demons and their King alongside a Council she hates. Or she can blend into the life she’s always wanted: a human one.

What is the Demon trying to do? Why does she hate the Council? What does she like about the human life (my guess is scotch and Jack Reacher novels but that's just me.)

THE WINGED LIFE is an X-Men meets Tinker Bell, YA Urban Fantasy complete at 62k words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Normally I'm bellowing queries are too long. This one is too short --140 words. You can add at LEAST another 100 words before you have to think about stopping, and you could double the word count and still be ok.

Lean and mean is good, but you're skeletal, not lean.

Here, have a cookie. Bulk up.

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Dear Query Shark,

Seventeen-year-old faery, Penelope Hue, has ignored the rules all her life. She disguises herself as a human and sneaks into their town. It must be done carefully. Quietly. The last faery that who exposed herself to a human was put to death. And that would suck.

And that would suck is a funny light-hearted line.  Put to death isn't.  The contrast between the two leaves me wondering what the tone of the book is.

She meets a human boy. He’s just as rebellious and misunderstood as Penelope is and the emotional experience brings her fae gifts out. All faeries receive a gift when they come of age. As her gifts develop, she learns how to blend in with her surroundings. She can change the color of her skin, wings and clothes. She learns to help others hide themselves as well. Her gift could be used to protect the Colony, the Queen and her World.

Well, I didn't realize the Colony, the Queen, and her world were in danger.  You start out talking about a human boy but he disappears after the second sentence. Then it's a lot of description of what she can do.  Given that I can change the color of my clothes I'm not sure you want to list that as something magical.  

And, making a list of the things she can do isn't what I need to know. You've already told me she's magic. I assume she can do all sorts of cool stuff. The question is: what does she WANT and what's keeping her from it.

This second paragraph doesn't entice me to read on because I don't have a sense of what's at stake other than what seems increasingly irrational: if Penelope is discovered hanging out with the humanoids, her ilk are going to be pissed off as hell.

Problem. The Colony’s Council has kept the fae from the Queen and her World for years and no one knows why. Penelope hates the way the Council rules the Colony. After a breed of demon once thought banished returns and attacks both humans and faeries alike, Penelope questions her allegiance. She doesn't know where she belongs.

Now we have a demon and a Colony Council in the mix.  Where's the boy? What does Penelope hate about the way the Council rules the Colony? Why would she question it?  How would she know there's any other way?

You're getting lost in plot points and character soup here, a veritable expo of exposition.  Simplify. Focus!

Penelope must choose between her Colony and the human world she’s grown to love. She can stay, fight the demons and their King alongside a Council she hates. Or she can use her gifts to blend into the life she’s always wanted. A human one.

Why wouldn't she stay in the human world? At least they aren't going to kill her for hanging out with them.

THE WINGED LIFE is an X-Men meets Tinker Bell, YA Urban Fantasy complete at 62k words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

X-Men meets Tinker Bell is pretty hilarious but I don't have a sense of the story here.  Simplify.

Here's a description for a another book in this category, Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr.

Keenan is the Summer King who has sought his queen for nine centuries. Without her, summer itself will perish. He is determined that Aislinn will become the Summer Queen at any cost—regardless of her plans or desires.

Suddenly none of the rules that have kept Aislinn safe are working anymore, and everything is on the line: her freedom; her best friend, Seth; her life; everything.

I'm not suggesting you copy this of course, but you can see that it's very very simple.  It gives us a sense of what's at stake and what the main character's problem is.  If you look at the description on Amazon, there's more there about the rules about fairies, but this is the heart of the plot.

Right now this is a form rejection.  Start over.

#187-comments only

This entry was removed at the author's request.  (That's always an option for participants here at QS--this is an all volunteer chomping)

There was a reference to a query template though in one of my comments, so I've pasted that here:

I'd scrap this entire query and start over with the query template I've described in several other places, but bears repeating:

What does the protagonist want?

What's keeping him from getting it?

What choice/decision does he face?

What terrible thing will happen if he chooses A; what terrible thing will happen if he doesn't.

Here's another form of the same thing:

The main character must decide whether to ________. If s/he decides to do (this), the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are______. If s/he decides NOT to do this: the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are________.

Obviously you don't just fill in the blanks, or just answer the questions. You use this template to get the important information in the right order. You build on to this skeleton. But, you start here, and work up.

#186-Revised 4x

Dear QueryShark:

Politicians, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they need to remain emotionally detached to work their trade. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and he knows that's dangerous.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. He uncovers the girl's secret life, as a prostitute, and finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through the course of his investigation, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway selling herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers while Lizzy becomes suspect on the street for her cooperation with the enemy: the police.

Lizzy and Joseph come to rely on each other for moral support until the night she is assaulted and disappears. Joseph charges headlong into a clumsy campaign to "rescue" other girls who might also be in danger. He quickly realizes that some people don't want to be "rescued" and that he must change his attitude--and perception of people--if he is going to affect some change in their lives. His search for Lizzy and others, like her, pushes him to become that better man.

Rescue should not be in quotes since that's exactly what he's trying to do.

"What Little Girls Are Made Of" is 90,000 words, my first novel, and based on real incidents I observed working with several police agencies.

Thank you ahead of time for your consideration or any comments.

I debated about whether to post this because I think   you're flailing here. Time to get out of the water, dry yourself off, have a martini and think about diving in again when you've had time to get some perspective.

Focus on the formula I've mentioned before: What does the main character want? What's keeping him from getting it?  

You're still making some fundamental mistakes (like mentioning this is based on events you've seen).  And we're back to the first title? Does that make it 0-5 or does it only count as one strike if you use the same one again.

You might consider junking the entire query and starting again.  It's sometimes better to start fresh instead of trying to fix what's not working.

Let this sit for a while.  Rethink what you're trying to tell me about.





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Dear QueryShark:

It is sometimes said soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they need to remain emotionally detached to work their trade. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and he knows that's dangerous.


Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. When he uncovers the girl's secret life, a prostitute catering to pedophiles through the internet, he finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through his high profile investigation of the death of a 13-year-old girl, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers while Lizzy becomes suspect on the street for her cooperation with the enemy: the police.

What we're missing here is what he does that makes people think he's losing his objectivity. If you're using that as the hinge for the plot, you need to be very very specific about what he does and why it's dangerous.

Lizzy and Joseph come to rely on each other for moral support until the night she is assaulted and disappears. Joseph leaps headlong into a clumsy campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger until he stumbles into the one field that might actually help others before the police arrive: social worker.

I don't understand what is happening here.  What does until he stumbles into the one field that might actually help others before the police arrive: social worker. mean?

"Angel With The Barb Wire Tattoo" is 90,000 words, my first novel, and based on real incidents I observed working with several police agencies as a computer technician.

Oh good, we're 0-4 on the title. I'd hate to actually like one. This is too evocative of the Stieg Larrson books.

Thank you ahead of time for your consideration or any comments.

If Joseph is getting too involved with Lizzy, focus on that for the query.  Leave out all the other stuff.  I think it's a mistake to do that, because I don't think the personal dynamics of a cop are enough to carry a novel, but that's your choice as the author to make. 

    


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Dear QueryShark:

It is sometimes said soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they need to remain emotionally detached to ply their craft. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and he know that's dangerous.

"ply their craft" makes them sound like they bake cookies or weave straw hats.  "Do their job" is both more accurate and sounds (literally) better.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. When he uncovers the girl's secret life--a prostitute catering to pedophiles through the internet--he finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through his investigation, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers. Lizzy becomes suspect on the street for her cooperation with the enemy.

Ostracized from their clans Lizzy and Joseph come to rely on each other for moral support. He begins a campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger... but the one girl Joseph cannot protect is Lizzy, and it threatens to break him.

Who killed the 13-year old girl, the girl that got the plot going?  Does Joseph find the culprit? Is finding the culprit the climax of the book, OR is it the fact he can't find the culprit what leads him to begin a campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger? And how does he know which girls are in danger? And if he can't find the culprit, what's the climax of the book?

And why can't he protect Lizzy?  Does she resist what he's offering? 

"Who'll Love Dizzy Lizzy" is 90,000 words and is my first novel.

I thought the titles couldn't get worse. I was wrong.






     


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Dear Query Shark:

It is sometimes said that soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they all need to remain emotionally detached to ply their craft. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and he know that's dangerous.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as one of the best investigators in the country. But when he uncovers the girl's secret life--a prostitute catering to pedophiles through the internet--he finds the public attitude changes quickly. When all clues point towards the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. The fear of what secrets might be uncovered within the flock spurs religious leaders and several high-ranking politicians to obstruct his investigation.

Through his investigation, Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers.

Ostracized from their clans Lizzy and Joseph come to depend on each other for support. He begins a campaign to protect other girls who might be in danger... but the one girl Joseph cannot protect is Lizzy, and it threatens to break him.

So why is Lizzy ostracized? You'd think if she was paying the bills she'd be pretty much secure in her merry band of misfits.

"Requiem For Dizzy Lizzy" is 90,000 words and is my first novel.

The problem here is you're focusing on the two protagonists. That leads me to think Joseph's dependence on Lizzy is the main plot of the book. If the crime is the focus of the book, you need more about that.

The problem with Joseph and Lizzy's relationship being the focus of the query is you don't have enough time to overcome the ick factor.

You'll need the length of the novel to do that, where I hope we can come to see Joseph as a sympathetic and flawed protagonist.

And we're 0 for 3 on the title.  Maybe the comment column can generate some ideas on that.

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Dear QueryShark,

It is sometimes said that soldiers, prostitutes, and cops have one thing in common: they all they need to remain emotionally detached to do their job. Chief Detective Michael Joseph is losing that detachment, and it terrifies him.

This is much better than the first version. The reason it's better is that we have a sense of what's at stake for the main character.

Public outrage over the death of a 13-year-old girl shoves him into the spotlight as the one of best investigators in the country, but when he uncovers her secret life as an online prostitute catering to pedophiles, he finds the public attitude changes quickly. And when all clues point towards someone from the largest television ministry on the East Coast the change becomes dramatic. A general fear of what might come out of this flock spurs politicians and religious leaders to obstruct his investigation at every turn.

The first sentence in the paragraph is very long. (One way to know how long is too long is to say the sentence out loud. If you need to pause to breathe, it's too long) I'm also going to quibble with "prostitute" since it's clear she's online, and prostitution requires in-person activity. I know people use "sex worker" but that's not the right phrase either.

Just "someone" is too generic. The clues indicate the killer is someone 

"a general fear" is also too nebulous. Polish and sharpen your language and word choice here.

Joseph befriends a 16 year old who calls herself Dizzy Lizzy, a young runaway who sells herself in order to provide for the social misfits that inhabit her world. Amid accusations that he is losing his objectivity, he becomes a pariah amongst his fellow officers. With only Lizzy fighting on his side, he grows closer to the girl who reawakens humanity in him that he had almost forgotten he had. The dispassion he had exercised for so long had cost him his marriage and the bond he shared with his daughter. Watching Lizzy interact with her clan provides him with a glimmer of hope: how he can best bridge the gaps he had thrown up to separate himself from the vulgar orbit of the criminal element he saw everyday. But the one person he cannot help is Lizzy, and it threatens to break him.

You can cut almost all of this paragraph out and solve a lot of the problems in this query. Remember you don't need the entire plot, or the entire motivation, you only need enough to entice my interest.

"The Absolution of a Fallen Angel" is a 90,000 words commercial fiction piece and is my first novel.

I really really hate this title too.  Fallen Angel is smarmy and a stereotype of prostitutes.
I wouldn't stop reading a query based on a bad title --no one really would-- but a good title is better than a bad one for enticing interest.

This is a lot LOT better than the original (good work) but it needs some honing and polishing.

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ORIGINAL


Dear Query Shark,

Chief Detective MIKE JOSEPH is in over his head and knows it. Investigating the death of a 13-year-old girl uncovers her secret life as an online prostitute catering to pedophiles... and all clues point towards someone from the largest television ministry on the East Coast. This pits JOSEPH against a cabal of politicians and the self righteous terrified of what an investigation into the flock might uncover.

Don't capitalize the names of characters. That's the format for film scripts, not query letters.  The only thing in a query that is all caps is the title of the book.

"Cabal of politicians and the self-righteous" doesn't actually say anything useful.  You're using buzz words to evoke knee-jerk responses (ie politicians = bad, evil) rather than actually creating an interesting villain.  Cardboard cutout stereotypes aren't interesting.

JOSEPH 's single ally is a female runaway, who calls herself DIZZY LIZZY--five years older than his own daughter--also selling herself in order to support her junkie boyfriend and the colorful cast of misfits who inhabit her world.

"colorful cast of misfits" is a pretty light hearted description.  Coming after "online prostitutes catering to pedophiles" there's a real disparity of tone. You can be funny about serious topics, but you can't then have the serious topics viewed with any gravitas (examples are Carl Hiassen, Janet Evonovich.)

As a cop, he tries to insulate himself from horrors of a culture on society's fringe but finds himself drawn to LIZZY and her clan bringing accusations that he is losing his objectivity.

The construction of this sentence makes it look as though "her clan" is the one accusing him of losing his objectivity. That doesn't actually make sense.

His meticulous nature as a detective has pushed his wife to divorce and daughter to arm's length but he draws strength from the charismatic 16 year old LIZZY. Even JOSEPH fears he might be another of the girl's "projects."

Here's where you lose me.  He's meticulous so his wife divorces him and his daughter doesn't much like him so he draws strength from a 16 year old online prostitute?  That doesn't feel very real to me, but more than that it makes the protagonist seem weak and frankly, rather icky.

He needs to solve a case that has becomes a political hot potato, come to grips with his divorce, while he hopes to rescue LIZZY from a dead end life. But he begins to question who most needs to be rescued: LIZZY or himself.

Are you seriously asking if a grown man dealing with a divorce and an alienated child has the same need of help as a 16 year old girl who is making money to support a junkie boyfriend by whoring?

At this point I want to hit the protagonist with a 2x4 and shriek "do your damn job" and that's absolutely not the response you want.

You'd do better to focus more on plot and less on character in this query.  It's very very difficult to reduce complex motivations and situations to enticing descriptions for a query. You need to bat to your strengths, and plot may be better for that here.

WHAT LITTLE GIRLS ARE MADE OF is a 90,000 word popular-cop fiction and is my first novel.

There's no such category as popular cop fiction.  There's commercial fiction; there's police procedural; there are crime novels. If you can't figure out what to call your novel, pick a novel that's close to yours (in this case I would pick one of Ed McBain's 87th Precinct novels.)  Go to Amazon. Look at the tags people give their reviews (it's near the bottom of the page.) Generally speaking you'll find what to correctly call your novel there. Pick ONE of the tags, not the top five.

I really hate the title.  My guess is you are going for a juxtaposition of what the nursery rhyme evokes and the strength of Lizzy (little girls aren't made of sugar and spice; they're made of oak etc.)  Coming at the end of the query it doesn't do that.  We haven't  really seen what Lizzy is made of; we've seen the weakness of Mike Joseph. Since the novel is about pedophilia and prostitution the title has to avoid an "ickiness" risk that other books don't.  Obviously, an agent does not stop reading a book based on a bad title, but you want to be very aware of the effect every word in your query, including the title, conveys.

This is a form rejection. There's not enough plot to catch my interest.  The main character doesn't seem very heroic if he's busy leeching off a 16 year old for emotional strength.