Dear Query Shark,
When an asteroid hits Earth, Lauren Sand considers herself
lucky to stumble upon a Cold War bomb shelter down a mine shaft—until she shuts
the door. Time-locked for two years underground, Lauren has no connection to
the outside world. Nothing but the final radio broadcast of conspiracy theorist
Mick Parks, who claims a nuclear error caused the catastrophe. When the door
opens, Lauren emerges into a drastically changed world. The sea has a new
shore, breaking six-thousand-feet high into the Rocky Mountains. With
everything she has ever known covered by salt water, Lauren sets out to find
other survivors.
This is a promising opening.
I can see a couple places where the writing could use some
polish but when I read a query, a good compelling concept trumps all.
Struggling to survive, Lauren is grateful to befriend
members of a commune called Camp Genesis. But after weeks of camaraderie, she
discovers it’s a cult. The women there are the charismatic leader’s chattel,
destined to repopulate the Earth with his offspring. When he stakes his claim
on Lauren, she flees.
Oh blarg.
Honestly, I'm so so so over this plot device. Women as
chattel, women as victims. One of the GREAT things about a post apocalyptic
novel is your chance to discard old tropes and invent some new ones.
I'll keep reading but my enthusiasm has dwindled.
With the cult leader on her trail, Lauren treks across the
desolate remains of Northwest Wyoming where algae devour the landscape and
holiday resorts have become fiefdoms that kill trespassers on sight. Death and
destruction greet her at every turn until she meets homesteader Jay in the
lawless last city of New Casper. Jay offers Lauren sanctuary, and the future
she always dreamed of. But Lauren sees the future of humanity at stake and
believes the truth about the asteroid will help give closure and peace to the
dying city. Driven by her hunch, Lauren and Jay embark up the frozen summit of
Gannet Peak to last known location of Mick Parks. If her intuition is right,
his story may help restore their broken world and allow Lauren to stay with Jay
forever— if the cult leader doesn’t silence her first.
And now, I'm utterly and completely confused. Fiefdoms kill
trespassers? I'm guessing you mean the people who live in the fiefdoms. How do
you have a homesteader in a town? And why is Lauren worried about the future of
humanity when she's got more immediate concerns?
Closure and peace to a dying city? What does that even mean?
CAPTURE THE TIDE is a 65,000-word, post-apocalyptic YA
novel.
Why are you "fixing"this?
It's the PAGES that aren't working.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
ORIGINAL QUERY
Question:
After a handful of rejections, I decided to commit myself to the Query Shark archives and I'm so glad I did. I killed my darlings, waited, then killed some more. But, the question is still the same. Is it my letter or my pages that get me rejected? I need the Query Shark.
Dear Query Shark,
When the earth starts collapsing around her, Lauren Sand considers herself lucky to stumble through the steel hatch she finds in a mine shaft—until she reads the notice on the bomb shelter door telling her it won’t open for two years, when the radioactivity outside has safely decayed. But, thanks to the final radio broadcast of a conspiracy theorist named Mick Parks, the young woman knows it was an errant asteroid that shook the world, not nuclear war. What she has two years to wonder about is why no one knew the end was coming.
Now, standing on the new shore of the sea, breaking six-thousand-feet high into the Rocky Mountains, Lauren understands she will never see her Shoshone grandmother Jean and sister Ava again. They, and her hometown of Shadow Grass, Wyoming are covered by salt water. She has survived the end of the world, but to what end? As she begins her treacherous search for other survivors, Lauren is driven by the need to know how there was no warning that the end was near, except for the disregarded claims of a radio talk show host.
Hostile vagrants with saccharine promises haunt the desolate landscape and threaten her resolve. But when she meets Jay, nothing seems impossible. Lauren will learn that one person willing to ask why, and not flinch at the truth, can begin to reconstruct the broken world. Along the way, she will shed the doubts and guilt of adolescence and accept the most unexpected gift of all at the end of the world—love.
CAPTURE THE TIDE is a 66,000-word post-apocalyptic survival epic and love story. It is my debut novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
It's your pages.
This isn't the most compelling query I've ever seen but I like the concept a lot. I'd read pages if I repped YA. (You know this is YA, right?)
I'm not sure finding out why the world ended is a strong enough plot; the world after all did end. No amount of knowing why is going to change that.
"Hostile vagrants" is the wrong phrase here. I'm not sure you can be a vagrant in a post apocalyptic world since it means "without visible means of support" and no one has a job in this new world, or money, most likely.
You might mean vagabond, as in traveller.
You're also missing the obvious: why are they hostile? If I was traipsing around at the end of the world, I'd probably be glad to find someone else.
All that said, I'd read pages.
So, what's wrong with your pages? My guess (and I haven't seen them of course) is you start at the wrong place. Start with the door opening, not the door closing. And you might think about the plot too.
