Dear Query Shark,
I can see the future. Great, right?
Not really.
Five minutes. That's what I get. Five minutes of the future.
Five minutes of fog so thick I can barely see, and, most often, vomit-inducing nausea to greet me when I come back to the present.
It's okay though. It's taken half my life for me to get a grip on this thing I call the Vision, but I've gotten used to it. Got a buddy to clean up after me. Got a girl. Well, she's a hooker, so I suppose
I bought a girl. Even scraped out a decent little life finding the occasional winning slot machine.
At least, it was okay. Until I started seeing the murders.
FIVE MINUTES is complete at just under 56,000 words. I'd be happy to provide a partial or complete manuscript for further review.
Thanks in advance for your consideration,
Holy moly, forget the critique, send this to me, all of it, at once. Word .doc attachment since I read everything on my spiffy new Kindle. NOW. I'm waiting.
Here's the critique: This arrived at 9:19am in my SharkTank mailbox. My normal procedure is a quick scan to make sure it's something I will consider (the shark doesn't chew on non-fiction or memoir, or picture books.) I read this, and posted it at once because I want to read it right now. That's EXACTLY the response you want in an agent: NOW! send NOW!
I was immediately drawn to the voice. It's vibrant and full of energy. More than anything I look for voice.
I don't even care that it's written in the voice of the protagonist, something that is mostly viewed as a gimmick.
I don't care there isn't much here in the way of description. The rudiments of a conflict or a dilemma are here: the murders. I can intuit that's a problem for the main character.
I don't care there's nothing else here, no pub creds, no bio, no nothing. I will read this with alacrity because it has the one essential thing: voice.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
#85
Dear Query Shark
Frank, a recent graduate from the Young Gods Academy, has been assigned to manage a small, lower level planet on the outskirts of the universe.
Frank has always been awkward and accident prone, and, while at the Academy, lived in the shadow of his handsome best friend Kris. He was hoping for a fresh start, but the inhabitants of his new planet are not very god-friendly and the previous god made a mess of the maintenance.
When Kris visits unexpectedly, Frank hopes he would help with fixing up the planet, but his friend involves Frank’s unconventional – and unpopular – mother secretly, placing the planet’s future – and Frank’s career - in jeopardy. With the help of a group of celestials fond of the planet, Frank has to thwart his mother's plans and save his small planet from complete annihilation.
Young Gods is complete at 54000 words.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best wishes,
I'd read this cause it sounds funny, and it's got voice.
I look for voice before almost everything else.
Frank, a recent graduate from the Young Gods Academy, has been assigned to manage a small, lower level planet on the outskirts of the universe.
Frank has always been awkward and accident prone, and, while at the Academy, lived in the shadow of his handsome best friend Kris. He was hoping for a fresh start, but the inhabitants of his new planet are not very god-friendly and the previous god made a mess of the maintenance.
When Kris visits unexpectedly, Frank hopes he would help with fixing up the planet, but his friend involves Frank’s unconventional – and unpopular – mother secretly, placing the planet’s future – and Frank’s career - in jeopardy. With the help of a group of celestials fond of the planet, Frank has to thwart his mother's plans and save his small planet from complete annihilation.
Young Gods is complete at 54000 words.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best wishes,
I'd read this cause it sounds funny, and it's got voice.
I look for voice before almost everything else.
#84-Revised twice
Revision 2:
Dear Query Shark,
The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.
Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia. At least she'd have her childhood hero, Professor Robert Harmon M.D., her former stepfather and the man who cured her otherwise terminal illness, to guide her along the way.
Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Putnam University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate settles into her new life in academia, Dr. Rob and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the group and their preternatural condition. A feat made more difficult by the bizarre murders plaguing the University and Kate's unusual immunity to their hypnotic powers.
To make matters worse, Kate's falling in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one -- her mysterious visions of a vampiric chivalrous knight or the ever present letch, oozing sex appeal and lustful abandon.
As with most lawyers, who always seem to find out what you least want them to know, Kate soon discovers the true nature of the Covenant. Worse still, the Covenant's enemies and rival vampires realize that Kate, and her unusual immunity to vampiric powers, pose a threat to themselves and a weapon against the Covenant. Kate has no choice but to seek the Covenant's protection.
With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them, Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.
As Kate fights for her very life,(cliche!!) she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted ex-stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?
Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance.The full manuscript is available upon request. (of course it is!) I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Putnam University.
Very Truly Yours,
There's more of your wit showing through in this one.
There's a huge debate in our office about whether vampires are dead (ha). What I mean of course, is whether the vampire category is last year's hot topic. I'm not taking anything vampiric unless it's a wildly new approach just cause the editors I talk to always need to hear something very new and fresh right now.
To that end you might focus less on the backstory and more on the reason's Kate survived cancer. Get to the fresh and original part and focus there.
-------------------------------------------------
REVISION 1:
Dear Query Shark:
The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.
What is she?
Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia.
Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Hudson University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the murders plaguing the University since her arrival.
He's her ex-physician? He's a physician and her ex-stepfather, most likely. Consider: Her former stepfather, physician Dr. Robert Harmon and his secret vampire society.
Why do they care if she knows?
To make matters worse, Kate's fallen in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one.
Why? She's having vampire orgies?
With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them (them who?), Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.
Why does falling in love with a vampire make her an enemy of the secret vampire society. If anything, it's rather flattering isn't it? You haven't mentioned that perhaps she's come into some dangerous knowledge about the murders.
As Kate fights for her very life, she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?
Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance. The full manuscript is available upon request. I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.
Unless you get money from someone for calling this place Hudson University, I wouldn't. We all know it's the Law & Order name for Columbia. There are a lot of other perfectly good names for Universities: Query Shark College comes to mind instantly.
Very Truly Yours,
I'm very impressed with the improvement but you need another polish, maybe two.
--------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
(name) ESQ.
ATTORNEY AND COUNSELOR AT LAW
(address) New York 10541
TELEPHONE: (redacted) (email redacted)
FACSIMILE: (redacted)
October 20, 2008
VIA Email to (Query Shark)
Submissions: Attn. Query Shark
Re: Submission for BLOODLINES: A Hudson University Novel
You've squandered the first 16 lines of your email with your return address and the date. My email window shows the first 20 lines of an email.
Don't do this.
ALL email queries should have your contact info at the conclusion of the email.
Dear Query Shark:
Nothing could have prepared Kate Harmon, a childhood cancer survivor and recent law school graduate, for the passionate and dangerous world of her stepfather’s past when she leaves behind the glitz of her mother’s Hollywood life to take a teaching position with him in the hallowed halls of Hudson University. Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance thriller and the first in the Hudson University series. The full manuscript is available upon request.
There's no such thing as a paranormal romance thriller. Categories are "paranormal romance" or "thriller" or "urban fantasy" or "commercial fiction". One or two words. No more.
Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae. Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery. All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival. Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life. As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both. Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?
This large block of text is literally unreadable on a computer screen. It's like a big inkblot.
White space is CRUCIAL in an email query.
Compare the above to this:
Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae.
Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down.
Well, I'm not sure how "a quiet life of introspection" fits in with "live in faculty mentor" but ok.
While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery.
You've got six characters introduced in fewer than 100 words. This is a common mistake in queries: trying to get everything on the page. Focus. Your main character. What's her problem? What choices does she face? What's her dilemma? Leave out all the rest.
All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival.
Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life.
As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both.
Do you mean allied against her? Allay means to calm a strong emotion, for example, anger, or diminish and set at rest somebody’s fears or suspicions; or, to relieve or reduce the severity of pain or a painful emotion.
Misusing words is one of the things that sends a query letter to the rejection pile no matter how enticing the subject matter may be. Words are your tools and if you aren't using them correctly, it bodes ill for the novel.
Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?
I thought the Covenant was the antagonist? I'm confused.
I am not yet a published author. Most of my recent written work has focused on legal writing as the law clerk for a federal judge and attorney. Prior to my legal pursuits, I was a university student service administrator. I now maintain my practice while also teaching as an adjunct professor in (redacted) New York, where I live with my wife and two children.
I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.
Very Truly Yours,
(redacted), Esq.
This is pretty much a mess from start to finish.
There are some pretty good examples in postings #1-#83 that can help you revise.
Right now this is an instant rejection.
Dear Query Shark,
The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.
Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia. At least she'd have her childhood hero, Professor Robert Harmon M.D., her former stepfather and the man who cured her otherwise terminal illness, to guide her along the way.
Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Putnam University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate settles into her new life in academia, Dr. Rob and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the group and their preternatural condition. A feat made more difficult by the bizarre murders plaguing the University and Kate's unusual immunity to their hypnotic powers.
To make matters worse, Kate's falling in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one -- her mysterious visions of a vampiric chivalrous knight or the ever present letch, oozing sex appeal and lustful abandon.
As with most lawyers, who always seem to find out what you least want them to know, Kate soon discovers the true nature of the Covenant. Worse still, the Covenant's enemies and rival vampires realize that Kate, and her unusual immunity to vampiric powers, pose a threat to themselves and a weapon against the Covenant. Kate has no choice but to seek the Covenant's protection.
With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them, Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.
As Kate fights for her very life,(cliche!!) she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted ex-stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?
Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance.
Very Truly Yours,
There's more of your wit showing through in this one.
There's a huge debate in our office about whether vampires are dead (ha). What I mean of course, is whether the vampire category is last year's hot topic. I'm not taking anything vampiric unless it's a wildly new approach just cause the editors I talk to always need to hear something very new and fresh right now.
To that end you might focus less on the backstory and more on the reason's Kate survived cancer. Get to the fresh and original part and focus there.
-------------------------------------------------
REVISION 1:
Dear Query Shark:
The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.
What is she?
Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia.
Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Hudson University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the murders plaguing the University since her arrival.
He's her ex-physician? He's a physician and her ex-stepfather, most likely. Consider: Her former stepfather, physician Dr. Robert Harmon and his secret vampire society.
Why do they care if she knows?
To make matters worse, Kate's fallen in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one.
Why? She's having vampire orgies?
With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them (them who?), Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.
Why does falling in love with a vampire make her an enemy of the secret vampire society. If anything, it's rather flattering isn't it? You haven't mentioned that perhaps she's come into some dangerous knowledge about the murders.
As Kate fights for her very life, she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?
Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance. The full manuscript is available upon request. I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.
Unless you get money from someone for calling this place Hudson University, I wouldn't. We all know it's the Law & Order name for Columbia. There are a lot of other perfectly good names for Universities: Query Shark College comes to mind instantly.
Very Truly Yours,
I'm very impressed with the improvement but you need another polish, maybe two.
--------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
(name) ESQ.
ATTORNEY AND COUNSELOR AT LAW
(address) New York 10541
TELEPHONE: (redacted) (email redacted)
FACSIMILE: (redacted)
October 20, 2008
VIA Email to (Query Shark)
Submissions: Attn. Query Shark
Re: Submission for BLOODLINES: A Hudson University Novel
You've squandered the first 16 lines of your email with your return address and the date. My email window shows the first 20 lines of an email.
Don't do this.
ALL email queries should have your contact info at the conclusion of the email.
Dear Query Shark:
There's no such thing as a paranormal romance thriller. Categories are "paranormal romance" or "thriller" or "urban fantasy" or "commercial fiction". One or two words. No more.
Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae. Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery. All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival. Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life. As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both. Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?
This large block of text is literally unreadable on a computer screen. It's like a big inkblot.
White space is CRUCIAL in an email query.
Compare the above to this:
Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae.
Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down.
Well, I'm not sure how "a quiet life of introspection" fits in with "live in faculty mentor" but ok.
While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery.
You've got six characters introduced in fewer than 100 words. This is a common mistake in queries: trying to get everything on the page. Focus. Your main character. What's her problem? What choices does she face? What's her dilemma? Leave out all the rest.
All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival.
Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life.
As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both.
Do you mean allied against her? Allay means to calm a strong emotion, for example, anger, or diminish and set at rest somebody’s fears or suspicions; or, to relieve or reduce the severity of pain or a painful emotion.
Misusing words is one of the things that sends a query letter to the rejection pile no matter how enticing the subject matter may be. Words are your tools and if you aren't using them correctly, it bodes ill for the novel.
Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?
I thought the Covenant was the antagonist? I'm confused.
I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.
Very Truly Yours,
(redacted), Esq.
This is pretty much a mess from start to finish.
There are some pretty good examples in postings #1-#83 that can help you revise.
Right now this is an instant rejection.
#83-Revision
REVISION:
Dear Query Shark:
London's most notorious house of ill repute might not be the ideal sanctuary for a young woman of gentle breeding, but it's certainly the last place anyone will think to look for her. And all Blaire Glendow needs for a few months is a place to hide.
It seems ideal: Blaire's got the disguise, the guts, and the ingenuity to pull it all off. Unfortunately, she's also got a love of mischief that can't help but rearit's (its)conspicuous head from time to time. So when Jack Crafton, a sardonic viscount who sees little to admire in the cheerful house of sin, catches on to one of her quirks, it seems that Blaire may have to give up her ruse and place her trust in the one man who sees right through her facade.
Jack doesn't know which is the stronger motivation behind his actions: his urge to succumb to Blaire's impish charms or his repulsion at what he thinks is her entanglement in the brothel's seedier activities. Either way, he finds himself playing the errant white knight to one of the most ungrateful, opinionated, obstinate—and enchanting young women he's ever known.
Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel.I would be happy to submit my completed 107,000-word manuscript for your review.
Thank you so much for your considerationand for all that you do for the online writing community. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yup, that works.
Nicely done.
Of course I don't need to tell you that spelling mistakes are not a good thing. You know that.
--

--------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:
It's hard to stay upbeat when you've got no money, nowhere to go, and no one to turn to—oh, and an evil guardian hunting you down. Never one for adopting missish airs, Blaire Glendow does what any gently-bred young lady would do in her situation. She runs to the nearest brothel, where, amid dazzling beauties and a proprietress with a deep love of drama, she
fabricates a persona that has everyone fooled.
Is this a satire? Are you making fun of the category? I'm not sure what to make of this.
Except for Lord Crafton. A notorious society bachelor who comes complete with inexplicable scar and brooding nature, he sees right through Blaire's facade. And he wants what he sees.
And I'm still confused.
Prey to a mischievous nature that can't help but rear its fun-loving head at the most inappropriate intervals, Blaire suddenly finds herself whisked away to London, where she she meets an amusing cast of characters with Lord Crafton's best interests at heart. Her heart isn't
far behind, and as she softens toward the indomitable man with his wry punctuating smiles, her body soon follows.
There's a lot of description here and not much else. And I'm still confused about whether this is a joke or not.
When a society scandal forces Lord Crafton's hand in the direction of his best friend's sister, there is only one person able to provide a solution that keeps friendships and a burgeoning love intact. Blaire accepts the challenge and is launched into the role of a lifetime—provided the curtain isn't closed for good when the limelight places her in the direct path of her guardian's rage.
He's mad because of the punctuating smiles isn't he?
Or that brothel adventure?
Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel. It fuses my love of all things fiction with a successful professional freelance writing career that has placed my blog on the list of Top Ten Blogs for Writers for the past two years running. I would be happy to submit my completed 107,000-word manuscript for your review.
"all things fiction" You don't really want to say that. Unless this is a joke.
Thank you so much for your consideration and for all that you do for the online writing community. I look forward to hearing from you.
Regency romances may be frothy but they aren't satires, and they aren't ironic. Your tone and word choice here make me think you're making fun of things, not having fun with the tropes of the category.
I'm not sure what exactly to make of this, and that's really not the response you're looking for in a query letter.
If Blaire were to write about her situation, how would she describe it? Writing the first draft in her voice might help you get the tone right. Don't write the final version in her voice, that's too gimmicky for serious consideration, but there's a real problem with tone here that is getting in the way of being taken seriously.
Let's all remember too, that Regency romances aren't my forte. Anyone else who reads these more regularly than I should feel free to offer an opinion in the comment section.
Dear Query Shark:
London's most notorious house of ill repute might not be the ideal sanctuary for a young woman of gentle breeding, but it's certainly the last place anyone will think to look for her. And all Blaire Glendow needs for a few months is a place to hide.
It seems ideal: Blaire's got the disguise, the guts, and the ingenuity to pull it all off. Unfortunately, she's also got a love of mischief that can't help but rear
Jack doesn't know which is the stronger motivation behind his actions: his urge to succumb to Blaire's impish charms or his repulsion at what he thinks is her entanglement in the brothel's seedier activities. Either way, he finds himself playing the errant white knight to one of the most ungrateful, opinionated, obstinate—and enchanting young women he's ever known.
Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel.
Thank you so much for your consideration
Yup, that works.
Nicely done.
Of course I don't need to tell you that spelling mistakes are not a good thing. You know that.
--

--------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:
It's hard to stay upbeat when you've got no money, nowhere to go, and no one to turn to—oh, and an evil guardian hunting you down. Never one for adopting missish airs, Blaire Glendow does what any gently-bred young lady would do in her situation. She runs to the nearest brothel, where, amid dazzling beauties and a proprietress with a deep love of drama, she
fabricates a persona that has everyone fooled.
Is this a satire? Are you making fun of the category? I'm not sure what to make of this.
Except for Lord Crafton. A notorious society bachelor who comes complete with inexplicable scar and brooding nature, he sees right through Blaire's facade. And he wants what he sees.
And I'm still confused.
Prey to a mischievous nature that can't help but rear its fun-loving head at the most inappropriate intervals, Blaire suddenly finds herself whisked away to London, where she she meets an amusing cast of characters with Lord Crafton's best interests at heart. Her heart isn't
far behind, and as she softens toward the indomitable man with his wry punctuating smiles, her body soon follows.
There's a lot of description here and not much else. And I'm still confused about whether this is a joke or not.
When a society scandal forces Lord Crafton's hand in the direction of his best friend's sister, there is only one person able to provide a solution that keeps friendships and a burgeoning love intact. Blaire accepts the challenge and is launched into the role of a lifetime—provided the curtain isn't closed for good when the limelight places her in the direct path of her guardian's rage.
He's mad because of the punctuating smiles isn't he?
Or that brothel adventure?
Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel. It fuses my love of all things fiction with a successful professional freelance writing career that has placed my blog on the list of Top Ten Blogs for Writers for the past two years running. I would be happy to submit my completed 107,000-word manuscript for your review.
"all things fiction" You don't really want to say that. Unless this is a joke.
Thank you so much for your consideration and for all that you do for the online writing community. I look forward to hearing from you.
Regency romances may be frothy but they aren't satires, and they aren't ironic. Your tone and word choice here make me think you're making fun of things, not having fun with the tropes of the category.
I'm not sure what exactly to make of this, and that's really not the response you're looking for in a query letter.
If Blaire were to write about her situation, how would she describe it? Writing the first draft in her voice might help you get the tone right. Don't write the final version in her voice, that's too gimmicky for serious consideration, but there's a real problem with tone here that is getting in the way of being taken seriously.
Let's all remember too, that Regency romances aren't my forte. Anyone else who reads these more regularly than I should feel free to offer an opinion in the comment section.
Friday, December 12, 2008
#82
Dear Query Shark:
Narissa is a lot of things—smart, outspoken, thick-skinned—but above all else she's dependable. She's spent half her life caring for her younger sister. Until now. After all, it's kind of hard to take care of someone when you're in another dimension.
No one meant for Narissa to be lifted into this dimension. There's a gateway connecting the worlds, but no one knows where it is. Determined to get back to her sister, Narissa sets out to locate the elusive gate. As she begins her search, Narissa finds herself the object of unwanted attention and gossip, which escalate as people begin to notice the way she's captured the interest of one of their leaders - prickly, reclusive Daman.
Even as she searches for her way home, Narissa finds herself attracted to life in this new dimension. She has friends here, and people who love her. Narissa faces a choice she's never considered before: should she continue putting her responsibilities to her sister first, or allow herself to have the life she really wants?
My young adult fantasy, The Refuge, is complete at 84,000 words. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is quite capable of standing on its own. The Refuge is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Well, this works for me.
I'd read the first five pages or so to get a sense of the writing.
Nice job.
Narissa is a lot of things—smart, outspoken, thick-skinned—but above all else she's dependable. She's spent half her life caring for her younger sister. Until now. After all, it's kind of hard to take care of someone when you're in another dimension.
No one meant for Narissa to be lifted into this dimension. There's a gateway connecting the worlds, but no one knows where it is. Determined to get back to her sister, Narissa sets out to locate the elusive gate. As she begins her search, Narissa finds herself the object of unwanted attention and gossip, which escalate as people begin to notice the way she's captured the interest of one of their leaders - prickly, reclusive Daman.
Even as she searches for her way home, Narissa finds herself attracted to life in this new dimension. She has friends here, and people who love her. Narissa faces a choice she's never considered before: should she continue putting her responsibilities to her sister first, or allow herself to have the life she really wants?
My young adult fantasy, The Refuge, is complete at 84,000 words. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is quite capable of standing on its own. The Refuge is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Well, this works for me.
I'd read the first five pages or so to get a sense of the writing.
Nice job.
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