#253--revised twice

Second revision

Dear Query Shark,

Ariana has a PhD in medieval military history and works at a Manhattan dating agency. Her boss claims magic helps clients find their happily-ever-afters. Riiiight. But, hey, if it means a job that pays the rent and student loans she can work with the fairy godmother until she lands that tenure track position.

Then she stumbles into a medieval kingdom. In the middle of a succession crisis. Time to re-evaluate that position on magic. 

You need one more sentence to make three parts to the whole: stumbles, middle of the crisis, one more. Then the punch line: reevaluate.  It has to be just the exact RIGHT phrase but you need one more to make the rhythm work.

Ariana only wants to get home, but that means finding the Gatekeeper who can open the portal to NY. NYC.** And can she find someone to help her? No. She finds the rebel claimant to the throne and his supporters. He thinks she could be the key to the crown. Thanks, but no. There are faster and less painful ways to die than trying to make someone king. Trust her. She's a medieval historian. 

Logic says abandon the rebels. They'll end up with their heads on pikes. Except Ariana likes the rebels, maybe even loves one of them. If she stays, her knowledge of medieval warfare might keep them all alive. And her family said her degree had no practical value.

Here's where you adjust the volume: more on the bass notes of serious plot, less on the treble clef of whimsical asides.

Of course, if Ariana stays, her presence could spark a war that would engulf the kingdom and destroy it. For beyond the frontiers rival kings prepare for the coming chaos. And conquest.

BEYOND THE IVORY TOWER is a fantasy novel (115,000 words) with romantic elements and touches of fairy tale. It was a finalist for the (this) Writers Association (that) Award in the Science Fiction & Fantasy category, and I taught a workshop about medieval arms and armor at the 2013 (the other) writing conference. I am finishing my PhD in medieval military history, although I work as an assistant editor for an academic journal not at a magic dating agency. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 This is better, much much better. (And thank god you fixed the title!) I can still tinker with words and phrases and rhythm though so you might want to let it sit through a couple iterations to see what you think sounds best.  

And now that you've got an effective query, have you gone back through your novel to make sure you've implemented all the things you've learned here?  Nothing is more disappointing than a great query followed by an unpolished novel.

Polishing will take some time. It's the place where you'll be most tempted to quit and just send it out.  Resist!  Polishing is what gets you beyond the 99%.  You can't be ok or good enough. You have to be better than everyone else I see this year.  

Think of it this way: the difference between first and 14th place in the 1500 meter Olympic speed skating competition was five seconds (a sub-two minute skate) You want your writing to be first, not fifteenth.

 **NY is the state.  NYC is the city.

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First revision

Dear Query Shark,

Ariana has a PhD in medieval military history and works at a Manhattan dating agency in New York. Her boss claims to use magic to helps clients find their happily-ever-afters. Riiiiight. But, hey, she'll believe whatever the boss wants if it means a job that pays the rent and student loans.  Sshe can work with Snow White until she lands that tenure track position.

see the difference? This is rhythm and pacing. You've got to have it in the novel. Do you?

Then she stumbles into a medieval kingdom.  In the middle of a succession crisis. Time to re-evaluate that position on magic.

Ariana only wants to go get home, but that means finding the Gatekeeper who can open the portal to NY. And can she find someone to help her? No. She finds the rebel claimant to the throne and his supporters. He thinks she could be the key to the crown. Thanks, but no. There are faster and less painful ways to die than trying to make someone king. Trust her, she's a medieval historian.

Logic says abandon the rebels. They'll end up with their heads on pikes, but such is the cost of rebellion. Except Ariana likes the rebels, maybe even loves one of them. If she stays, her knowledge of medieval warfare might keep them all alive. And her family said her degree had no practical use.

Of course, if she stays, her presence could spark a war that would engulf the kingdom and wake the gods. (gods waking is a bad thing?)

THE CROSS OF THE HARPY (AIEEEEEE) AND STAR is a fantasy novel (115,000 words) with romantic elements and touches of fairy tale. It was a finalist for the (Writing conference) 2013 X Award in the Science Fiction & Fantasy category, and I taught a workshop about medieval arms and armor at the 2013 (other) writing conference. I am finishing my PhD in medieval military history, although I work as an assistant editor for an academic journal not at a magic dating agency.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I hate the title with the passion of a thousand rebellions.  Why did you change it?

And this is much better, but when I can see the fine-tuning needed in the query here (as illustrated above) I know I'll see it in the novel.

This fine-tuning is what comes with letting something sit for awhile, then going back and reading it aloud, and with fresh eyes.  Feel the rhythm and pacing of the query.  Then you do the same with the book.

This is akin to hemming your dress when you've finished sewing, and making sure the sleeves are the same length.  You can only do that when you're "finished" but not done.

Polish.

RETITLE.

Resend.

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Original query

Dear Query Shark,

Ariana is a medieval military historian and works at a magic dating agency. Too bad she doesn't believe in magic or true love. But, hey, rent and student loans must be paid, so Ariana figures she can work with Snow White and dish gnomes until she lands that tenure track position.

Then she and Titania, a new client, stumble into another world. Time to re-evaluate that position on magic.

Ariana only wants to go home, but that means finding people.

Right here is where you lose me. What does "finding people" mean? Finding the person with the key to the locked door? Finding the Wizard of Oz? Finding the limo driver? (and what is a dish gnome?)

And you know all of us here in AgentLand are going to take one look at the name Titania and think "oh, Midsummer Night allegory, got it"  Is that what you're aiming for? 

And can she find someone who can help her? No. She finds rebels who think Ariana could be a kingmaker. On top of that absurdity, Titania thinks she found love at first sight with a rebel scout and wants to stay.

And this descends into mush because we have no idea what "be a kingmaker" means. And why is it absurd?

And look carefully at your pronouns and proper noun placement here in this paragraph. The first "she" is clearly Ariana. As is the second. Then you call her by name. Then you bring in Titania and the third "she" is Titania.  

Consider: She finds rebels who think she could be a kingmaker. On top of that absurdity, Titania thinks she's found love (etc)

Remember, agents are not reading slowly here, parsing out every nuance of a sentence. We're skimming along trying to pick up the sense of the plot and the quality of the writing. The only reason you want us to stop and say "whoa" is cause you're (egad!) your sentences are beautiful, not cause we're unsure who the subject is.


Could it get any worse? Of course. Ariana learns her degree can be put to practical use. Armies, archers, and assassins. Awesome.

This is actually good, except we have no idea where Ariana IS in terms of time/space/the universe. And most important, we have no idea of the stakes. She wants to go home (of course she does) but what bad thing happens here in Rebelville if she does? What worse thing happens if she doesn't?

THE LIGHT BEARER'S DAUGHTER is a fantasy novel (115,000 words) with romantic elements and touches of fairy tale. It was a finalist for the (redacted) Writers Association 2013 (name) Award in the Science Fiction & Fantasy category. I am finishing my PhD in medieval military history, although I work as an assistant editor for an academic journal not at a magic dating agency.(I love that line!) I have published an article on English royal authority in fourteenth-century Gascony (2013), have a forthcoming article in the Journal of Medieval Military History, and taught a workshop about medieval arms and armor at the 2013 (this other) writing conference.

Thank you for your time and consideration.





Question: In the final paragraph, how much of my academic background should I include? I do have publications in my field, and my work is relevant to the project. Will this help me or frighten away agents? I'm worried that the history PhD automatically conjures up Professor Binns, the ghost who teaches history at Hogwarts and puts every student but Hermione to sleep. Should I omit it entirely and save myself the worry?


Answer: The purpose of the paragraph on writing credits is two-fold: show that you've been published by a curated or edited general interest periodical, or that there are readers who already know who you are. Your academic background doesn't accomplish either of these. I don't think having a Ph.D automatically conjures up anything for agents. Certainly it doesn't for me. (And remember, Harry Potter was first pubbed in 1997--it's not the instant touchstone that you think it is.)

Academic articles are generally not considered writing credits. They're selected and edited much differently than general trade periodicals, and have an entirely different purpose.


The problem with the query isn't the last paragraph. It's what you have before that paragraph.  You've got the lighthearted tone but you've missed the substance of what's at stake.