#255-revised 4x-FTW

Revision #4

Dear QueryShark,

CHOSEN TO LEAD. Kyla Duvall lost everything the day a fire tore through her village, destroying her home, killing her mother, and separating her from her best friend. Whisked into hiding and trained to be the leader her country would need, Kyla has waited for eight years to take her place as queen beside the boy she once knew.

CHOSEN TO FIGHT. Born with the powers to bend the air and decimate her enemies with pain, Rebekah Stone trained as a solider, hell bent on avenging her parents murder. War is brewing, and the last thing she has time for is playing the new queen’s body guard. Rebekah joined this army for one reason: to destroy those who took everything from her.

Power hangs in the balance, and as Kyla’s coronation grows draws near, one thing becomes increasingly clear: there is a lot more to the story than either girl realizes.

We are eighteen years old and best friends who love to read. This is our first novel. We wrote this novel imagining ourselves as the heroines we want to be, meeting the characters we would want to meet in a world we would love to see. Our whole lives we have enjoyed storytelling: movies, music, and books. We read because it takes you places you could never imagine and allows you to become the hero, to live through the characters and experience another world.

ENTRUSTED will appeal to YA, adventure-hungry fans of novels such as Graceling and Eragon. The opening novel in The Sanctified Series, Entrusted is complete at 91,991 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


I think this sounds like a good book.  The query was never terrible but I think you've
got a better one here. 

Good luck on submission. Let me know if you need to borrow my wheelbarrow for all the loads of lovely cash.

And it took so long to get this done (my fault entirely) that you're now old enough to legally sign contracts on your own!

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Revision #3

Dear QueryShark,

CHOSEN TO LEAD. Kyla Duvall lost everything the day the a fire tore through her village, destroying her home, killing her mother, and separating her from her best friend. Whisked away into hiding and trained to be the leader her country would need, Kyla has waited for eight years to take her place as queen beside the boy she once knew.

I can hear you screaming in pain as I start changing "the" to "a" and actually ADDING a "has" when I normally hunt them down with the flame thrower.

Here's why you want to be THAT persnickety about every word:  unless there has only been one fire in the village, ever, you need to say "a fire" not "the fire," and particularly you need "a fire" because we, your readers don't know what "the fire" means if there really was only one.

And for that has: that has gives the sentence more tension.  She has waited...and the reader intuits that the waiting is about to end.  Thus we wonder: "what happens now??" which is EXACTLY what you want your reader thinking at this point.

EVERY SINGLE WORD COUNTS.





CHOSEN TO FIGHT. Born with the powers to bend the air around her and crumble crush her enemies in pain, Rebekah Stone trained as a soldier, hell bent on using her powers to avenge avenging her parents (her parents what? Solo vacation to Atlantis?). She knows a War is brewing, and the last thing she has time for is playing the new queen’s body guard. But as the coronation grows near, one thing becomes increasingly clear: there is a lot more to the story than either girl realizes.






Crumble: cookies crumble. Hankies crumple. Neither word is very fierce, and you want fierce here. Crush is my first try. You can pick whatever you want but the word better be The Rock not a Pop Rock.


Avenge: avenge what?  I'm guessing murder. You need to specify here.

She knows a: when you're in the character's point of view, one easy way to polish up your writing is taking out the "she knows" and "she saws" whenever you can. Your readers will intuit them.

Take out absolutely everything you don't need and your writing will flow much more smoothly.


But as the: and here you fall off your very nicely done double intro. We're in Rebekah's story right now. You can't have a sentence that is about both girls here.  It has to be a separate paragraph or you ruin the rhythm of your set up.



Power hangs in the balance, and two very different girls come face to face with the secrets that could destroy a kingdom, or save it. But as the coronation grows near, oOne thing becomes increasingly clear: there is a lot more to the story than either girl realizes.




oh look you have a lovely sentence that you didn't need in Rebekah's paragraph, and it fits perfectly here. Nice how that works out isn't it!
 
 And you end up with a MUCH better (ie less cliche) closing sentence.  You can't just write good sentences. You have to put them in the correct order.  That's what revision is for.

(1) ENTRUSTED will appeal to YA, adventure-hungry fans of novels such as Graceling and Eragon. (2)The opening novel in The Sanctified Series, Entrusted is complete at 91,991 words.

(3) We are eighteen years old and best friends who love to read. This is our first novel.
We wrote this novel imagining ourselves as the heroines we want to be, meeting the characters we would want to meet in a world we would love to see. Our whole lives we have enjoyed storytelling: movies, music, and books. We read because it takes you places you could never imagine and allows you to become the hero, to live through the characters and experience another world.



Reverse the order you've got here: 3/1/2



Thank you for your time and consideration.



 Not quite there yet, but better.
Revise.
Try not to die of frostbite as you endure the glacial pace of revision.

Resend.



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Revision #2


Dear QueryShark,

CHOSEN TO LEAD. Kyla Duvall lost everything the day the fire tore through her village, destroying her home, killing her mother, and separating her from her best friend. Whisked away into hiding and trained to be the leader her country would need, Kyla waited for eight years to take her place as queen.

But as her day draws near, the pressure edges in, along with the fear. Struggling to understand the boy she once knew so well in order to rule by his side, Kyla’s destiny may come to light sooner than she imagined. 

This doesn't actually add anything to the query. The reason you know that is cause if you take it out, the query reads better. It also act like the punch line to the first paragraph, and you don't want that yet. You want One Two BAM. One being Kyla, Two being Becka, three being "both girls)



CHOSEN TO FIGHT. Rebekah Stone is determined to regain the control she lost over her life after she watched her parents die in front of her eyes. A descendant of the Sanctified Circle and born with the powers to bend the air and crumble her enemies in pain, Rebekah took refuge at the palace and trained as an entrusted solider.

She knows a war is brewing, and she is hell bent to use it to avenge her parents (who were killed in front of her eyes) . But she doesn’t know as much as she thought, and her power  to bend the air and crumble her enemies in pain...(fill in here with the down side of a really COOL superpower!)



here's your "punch line"--->Power hangs in the balance, and two very different girls come face to face with the secrets that could destroy a kingdom, or save it.

Entrusted ENTRUSTED will appeal to YA, adventure-hungry fans of novels such as Graceling and Eragon. The opening novel in The Sanctified Series, and complete at 86,260 words, Entrusted introduces a mythical world sparked with suspense and romance.

We are eighteen years old and best friends who love to read. This is our first novel.


We wrote this novel imagining ourselves as the heroines we want to be, meeting the characters we would want to meet in a world we would love to see. Our whole lives we have enjoyed storytelling: movies, music, and books. We read because it takes you places you could never imagine and allows you to become the hero, to live through the characters and experience another world.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,

The trick to describing two main characters is to give NEW information in that second paragraph. (You might switch which order you mention the characters if it helps)

The way you have it now, you're telling us a repeat of the first story: girl has bad experience, escapes, now is ready for the impending plot.

If you can move forward in the timeline, it gives the query more urgency and tension.

this is really hard to explain in the abstract, but I hope the blue line revisions help you see what I mean.

Revising is often moving things around, taking things out, and trying things out to see what works best. There's no "right" way. There's only what's enticing.

Once more into the breach, dear chums.

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Revision #1

Dear QueryShark,

CHOSEN TO LEAD. Kyla Duvall lost everything the day the fire tore through her village, destroying her home, killing her mother, and separating her from her best friend. Whisked away into hiding and trained to be the leader her country would need, Kyla waited for eight years to take her place as queen.

But as her day draws near, the pressure edges in, along with the fear. Struggling to understand the boy she once knew so well in order to rule by his side, Kyla’s destiny may come to light sooner than she imagined.

CHOSEN TO FIGHT. Rebekah Stone was entrusted with the abilities to control the air around her and force her enemies to crumble in pain. A descendant of the Sanctified Circle and gifted with powers believed to be extinct, Bekah was offered refuge at the palace after her parents were murdered.

ok, here's where I still lose interest. Notice how passive Rebekah sounds? Entrusted? Offered? Gifted? (Don't even get me started on how much I hate the word gifted under any circumstances)  Given that in the next paragraph Bekah is a fighter, why is she not stronger here?  Rebekah HAS the ability to control the air around her; she HAS powers believed to be extinct; she TOOK refuge.

I think it's VERY important that Bekah be strong and dynamic in the query, and in the book. Why do I want to read about anyone who is just a vessel for someone else?  Hellwiththatnoise, give me someone DAUNTLESS! (Ok, my love for Divergent is showing here but you get the point)

Trained as a soldier, Bekah knows a war is brewing, and she intends to use it to her advantage. She joined this army for one reason, and one reason alone: find who murdered her parents. But she doesn’t know as much as she thought, and the control she so desperately desires may not come so easily.

What control? This is the first time you've mentioned she's out of/needs control.


ENTRUSTED with responsibilities and skills that set them apart, as Power hangs in the balance, and two very different girls come face to face with the secrets that could destroy a nation, or save it.

I know you want to start this paragraph in the same style as the preceding two, I can almost feel you wiggling with resistance when I strike it out. BUT, you need the three beat rhythm here, Hit Hit BOOM. (not hit hit hit) It's the equivalent of the punch line.

Entrusted will appeal to YA, adventure-hungry fans of novels such as Graceling and Eragon. The opening novel in The Sanctified Series, and complete at 86,260 words, Entrusted introduces a supernatural world sparked with suspense and romance.



We are seventeen years old and best friends who love to read. This is our first novel.

We wrote this novel imagining ourselves as the heroines we want to be, meeting the characters we would want to meet in a world we would love to see.



Our whole lives we have enjoyed storytelling: movies, music, and books. We read because it takes you places you could never imagine and allows you to become the hero, to live through the characters and experience another world.



The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you immensely for your time and consideration!
 

P.s. Our full manuscript is now actually available, and therefore we kept those tidbits.

Of course it's available! You wouldn't DARE send a query unless it was ready. Polished and perfect!  That's why you don't need to say so. 

And I also struck out immensely.  I want to strongly strongly strongly urge you to rein in your natural exuberance and high spirits here. Let that shine through in your query.  Don't make me wonder if you are going to need to be peeled off the ceiling if I call you to talk about your book. Sound like the pros you're going to be, ok?

I like this a lot but I think there's some honing to be done.

Revise, resend.

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Original Query


Dear QueryShark,

CHOSEN TO LEAD. Kyla Duvall lost everything the day the fire tore through her village, destroying her home, killing her mother, and separating her from her best friend. Whisked away into hiding and trained to be the leader her country would need, Kyla waited for eight years to take her place as queen.

But as her day draws near, the pressure edges in, along with the fear. Struggling to understand the boy she once knew so well in order to rule by his side, Kyla’s destiny may come to light sooner than she imagined.

This is really good. It's specific. I can see Kyla in my mind's eye and I feel like I understand where she is.  YA is all about The Feels, so that is good.

CHOSEN TO FIGHT. Rebekah Stone lost her family because of the powers that flow through her veins. Blessing or curse, Bekah intends to use every ounce of her gifts to seek out revenge. Becoming a soldier will teach her how, and then lead her straight into the fight she knows is coming.

err…not so good. "Powers that flow through her veins" is such a cliché. What powers? Does she eat kittens? Does she swim in soup? Ok, those are ridiculous things, but you need to be SPECIFIC like you were about Kyla.

Bekah’s unique gifts make her a powerful ally, or deadly enemy, that even her King, and friend, will not control. Bekah loves her country, but one incentive trumps all other priorities: Find who killed her parents... and kill every last one.

Again, this is too swirly to be interesting. You need to focus on what happened, so I can feel where Bekah is.


ENTRUSTED with responsibilities and skills that set them apart, in a world where power hangs in the balance, two very different girls come face to face with the secrets that could destroy a nation, or save it.

In a world where…sharks eat writers.  In a world is a cliché. One too many movie voice overs have seeped into your brains.



A story that intertwines fantasy with reality in an all new world, Entrusted will appeal to YA, adventure-hungry fans of novels such as Graceling, The Chronicles of Narnia, and Percy Jackson. The opening novel in The Sanctified Series, and complete at --------- words, Entrusted introduces a supernatural world sparked with suspense and romance.


Leave off telling me what it is. SHOW me. 

Chronicles of Narnia is a classic and OLD. It's not a good comp title.

Also unless you're using Sanskrit numbering systems, you need actual numbers to tell me how many words. (I have a feeling you haven't finished the novel yet so you don't know though, right?)


We are seventeen years old and best friends who love to read. This is our first novel, but we are asking you to take a chance on us despite this because the fact that we are new to the world of writing is what makes us different; we are the readers, still eighteen, and fresh out of high school, the life YA is geared towards. 

Do not apologize for writing or querying. Not now not EVER. All agents take chances with all writers, it's what this is all about. You have something of value to offer here and I absolutely insist that you act like it. Yes you're young, but you've SHOWN in this query that you can write, and trust me, I've seen people much older than you who can't.  (end rant)


We wrote this novel imagining ourselves as the heroines we want to be, meeting the characters we would want to meet in a world we would love to see. Our whole lives we have enjoyed the art of storytelling: movies, music, and books. We read because it takes you places you could never imagine and allows you to become the hero, to live through the characters and experience another world. Being teenagers doesn’t hinder us, but instead gives us the advantage of knowing what our fellow readers crave.

Normally I would have sliced this out as quick as you can say Kittens for Breakfast but in this case I think it works. First, it's charming. Second YA is about connection and this shows that nicely. It's not going to ever work in adult trade books (think about what a romance writer would say here--YIKES!)
but it works here. And again, do not apologize for your age.

The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you immensely for your time and consideration! We look forward to hearing from you. God bless.

I have a feeling the full manuscript isn't quite ready but that's ok for now.

Also, no God blessing in queries, ok?

Sincerely,



(both names)

(one address)

This is exactly right for querying with two authors.

Questions:
Our story is told through two different points of view, two very different girls. As the story jumps back and forth between the two, we were unsure of how to introduce both in the query without feeling like you're receiving very little information... I feel like we did it okay, but that there still might be some information missing, like there's not enough about what's going to happen because we had to set up both characters. Did we do it well enough? Is there enough info?

You did a good job with this. WHAT you say is the only problem and it's only with Bekah. 

Also, is the inclusion of our age and therefore lack of experience a bad idea? We've heard both and don't know what to do...

I think you now know my answer to that after the rant above.

This is a good first draft but it needs work.

Revise, resend.