#166-revised

Dear Query Shark,

For eight years, Daniel Schmidt has been doing his best to support himself and his abusive, disabled mother. He took a job at a local grocery store, dropped out of college, sacrificed his future to look after her, and she has nothing but contempt for him.

How about I just smack Daniel around and tell him to snap out of it? It worked for Cher and Nicholas Cage in Moonstruck, right?

The trouble with this opening is that it makes Daniel sound like someone I don't want to spend a paragraph with, let alone a book with. What do you like about him? What motivated him to do all this sacrificing for his mother? Why didn't he leave her to be eaten by wolves?

I don't assume he's a selfless lad because of this; I see a spineless wuss. You've got to make us see his merits here.

One day, Daniel decides not to go straight home after work but to instead take a walk in the woods, and his life changes forever. He meets a young girl named Anja and feels compelled to follow when she invites him to come back to Herbst, a magical village deep in the woods. The villagers welcome him with open arms and for the first time in as long as Daniel can remember, he feels appreciated.


"Feels compelled to follow" is so passive I want to start smacking YOU around now, not Daniel. This is not the reaction you're looking for.

Herbst is a place where people who need to can escape their old lives and start over, and

This, right here, is where your story begins, and a much better first line:

Daniel desperately needs a fresh start. Herbst also can only exist as long as Anja does, and a man lurking in the woods is trying to kill her.

Why is someone trying to kill her? The story is not about how Daniel got there, but what happens now that he's there.

When Daniel and three other newcomers to the village come together to protect Anja, they find themselves up against more than just a man. They have to protect her from an embodiment of the evils of the world they left behind, who seeks to bring unending winter to the village of
Herbst.

This is so general as to be meaningless. You must be specific. "More than just a man"...does that mean he's also a woman? A goat? A shark? I know you mean something else, but this is not the place to be coy about what makes him more than a man.



Eternal Autumn, a 94,000-word fantasy novel, is complete and available at your request.

Thank you for your time,

Form rejection

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ORIGINAL


(name redacted)
(address redacted)
(apartment number redacted)
(city state zip redacted)

If I mention this often enough will you stop doing it?

DO NOT PUT YOUR ADDRESS AT THE TOP OF AN EMAIL QUERY.

If I see this in a letter addressed to the Query Shark, your chances of getting on the blog drop to zero. If I see it, you haven't read the archives. Or you read the archives and didn't pay attention. I've mentioned this enough times that I'm starting long past boring myself.

Learn it. Know it. Follow the damn directions.

Dear Query Shark

Deep in an ancient forest, there is a little village called Herbst. Fiery autumnal hues light up the trees of the village year-round, the air is crisp and cool, and the mountaintops are capped with snow.


well, ok, sure but so what?

Unless fiery autumnal hues is the name of the protagonist, it doesn't belong in the first paragraph. And fiery autumnal hues is just plain bad writing. It doesn't say anything more than "red and orange." If you choose to describe red and orange leaves in some fancy way, it should add to the description not just gild it.

If I got this query I'd stop reading right here.


Not many of the villagers are originally from Herbst. Most of them came from ordinary places, like New York or Alabama. How they arrived at Herbst varies, but they all had two things in common – they all needed to escape their old lives, and a young girl named Anja showed them the way.

Describing New York as ordinary and like Alabama made me laugh out loud, and not in a good way.

"A young girl named Anja showed them the way" is actually pretty creepy. You've said this is set in real time, and real space when you invoke New York and Alabama. Thus you've limited your time and space to what will feel emotionally true to us here and now. The only thing I want to know about Anja is why she isn't in school and why she's running around like the Pied Piper of Pelham.

If you want to create a world where young girls lead people out of their old lives, you'd do much better to not invoke the present day.


Through each other’s support and Anja’s help, Herbst became a place where people could leave their miseries behind and start over.

So far, this sounds like Big Sur in the 60's plus nothing is happening. This is a bad sign.

At least, that’s what it used to be.

Finally you get to a point where there is some tension. This is in fact where your story and your query letter start: Herbst used to be a refuge for people. Then....


A stranger has arrived in the forest, hell-bent on murdering the little girl and destroying the village. When four newcomers to the village band together to protect her, they find themselves not only fighting against the new evil lurking outside the village gates but the evils of the old world they left behind, and they discover Anja’s true connection to the village of Herbst.

So, the stranger, I'm guessing he's not the protagonist? Too bad. He's the only interesting one here. Why is he hell-bent on this seeming wicked deed? Oh he just wants to kill her isn't a really compelling motivation (not that I haven't experienced it myself quite recently.)

Eternal Autumn, a 94,000-word novel for young adults, or those who wish they were still young, is available at your request.

If I hadn't stopped reading in the first paragraph, here's where I would have.

For starters, this isn't a YA novel at all. YA novels have protagonists in their teens (your novel doesn't). Generally they deal with issues or themes (and have plots) that are of concern to teen readers (your novel does not).

And "those who wish they were still young" is just rude.

Lots of adults read YA because it's good writing, not because they want to be 16 again. In fact, I'd be hard pressed to think of anyone in my office who reads YA who wants to be 16 again.


I see this kind of "oh my book is YA" now that YA is really hot. Unless you've read 150 YA books that were published in the last three years, you should not even think about writing a YA book or think you know what it is.



Thank you for your time,

This is a form rejection.

#∑

Attention Madam Shark,

But Surely They Don't Apply To ME is an absolutely marvelous story. I know you will be delighted with my attached partial manuscript of 285,000 words.

The protagonist, who is known for her skill at slinging burgers, Lily 'Princess' Lollipop, was born in a town.

She grew up there with Johnny and Ted and Alfred and Michael and George (who was actually a girl but she much preferred to pretend to be a boy and so she refused to go by the name Georgina and even cut her hair short which made her mom really mad but her dad didn't care just as he never cared about anything about her which was, of course, the reason she was pretending to be a boy in the first place) and a bunch of other people I won't tell you about because that would be Name Soup and I've read your blog where you say that is a bad thing.

Now Shark Soup, that could be tasty and even a good pot of Stone Soup can be fun, but I must remember to stay away from the Name Soup. Now where was I? Oh yes, the protagonist. I've told you about the protagonist so I'm supposed to move on now to the conflict.

But do you really want the conflict first? It really won't make sense unless I give you the backstory!

How Princess Lollipop got her name and who she met, it's all so much more important than what's going to happen. And trust me, you'll need to know about the real life character she's based on in order to understand the themes I'm using this character to illustrate. You are going to love these themes! And so will people from every walk of life.

People who enjoyed The DaVinci Code or Outlander or even The Road will adore But Surely They Don't Apply To ME.

You see, the Princess is really a secret alien. Her race is sort of like vampires but also crossed with were-rabbits (which are really nasty creatures, don't let those big eyes and long, soft ears fool you). That makes them very pettable aliens but also thirsty for blood.

They've been on the planet for a long time, as evidenced by the killer bunny in Monty Python's A Holy Grail. And because they are being hunted by the FBI (the CIA determining that the vampire-were-rabbit-aliens were strictly an internal American problem) they are very nervous and shy creatures.

Except when love could be involved. Then their lust for heart blood comes to the four.

But it's when Princess Lollipop starts stripping to support her younger brother and hopefully regain her family's birthright that everything interesting starts happening.

But Surely They Don't Apply To ME is a fantasy fictional novel that is a fabulous romp through the various countrysides of places I've visited. I've also spent hours googling were-rabbits and feel completely and utterly and assuredly confident that I am as close to an expert on were-rabbits as this planet, no, this universe has ever seen!

I know, I know, you've said that it's 130,000 maximum for a novel but I'm telling you that this novel is the best that you've ever seen and you will be exstatic that you'll get to spend so much longer reading and reviewing and editing my story. I did mention that my sister read it and she thought it was the best thing she'd ever put her eyes upon? Every one of the 318,000 words is completely precious and perfect.

As for me, I've written stories and essays and papers since first grade and every grade thereafter. I then got a job at a gas station.Then I went to work at a copy centre where I would sometimes get to bind people's writing into booklets. Now I'm a manicurist.

I've joined every writing group in the tri-state area (I don't actually live in a tri-state area, but it sounds good, don't you think?) and while somehow I keep getting dropped off their email lists, I'm still their biggest fan!

Thank you so very very much for reading my email and I know with all the joy my heart possesses that you are absolutely going to LOVE my story. I'm waiting by the phone to hear from you but don't worry, if you haven't called me within the next two days, I'll call you.


Or maybe stop by your office. That probably works better, don't you think?

#164

Dear QueryShark:

The closest thing Marie Jensen had has to embracing God was is believing in angels. Too bad her angel wants to destroy the world.

Present tense gives your query more immediacy.

Wings for Marie is a 120,000-word religious fantasy that shares about the journey of an angel who has lost his way. In my novel, the angel Adierenor is guardian to Marie Jensen, Marie Jensen's guardian. who has lived a life of abuse, neglect, and heartache.

Novels don't share; they tell.
This is very general. You give it specificity in the next sentence. Specific is better than general almost always.


At the age of sixteen, Marie’s drug-riddled defeat and deep depression drives her to commit suicide.

I'm not sure what drug-riddled defeat is. It's more descriptive than abuse, neglect, and heartache but it's still not the most evocative phrase.


Adierenor is so angry at the world that led Marie to kill herself that he decides to embark on a quest for divine retribution.

This sentence doesn't actually work. You'll know that if you take out the clause "Adierenor is so angry at the world that" Without it you have "Led Marie to kill herself that he decides etc."

If a sentence doesn't work without the clause, you need to fix it. It's generally an EVENT that precipitates something, not a person. (A person DOING something, yes, but you see what I mean)

In attempt to obtain a weapon for his future vengeance, he journeys through worlds both familiar and unfamiliar: the slums of Denver, the blue-flamed river of Purgatory, and Hell’s Passage of the Damned, to name a few.

You're missing a word here: "In attempt"
And why does he need to go through all these places for a weapon? I can buy a gun on any street corner in Brooklyn, why is he having such a hard time?

Pulled into this quest are two key characters, Rebecca Strober and Thede Martone. After inexplicably entering comatose states, Rebecca and Thede become part of the realm between life and death. The two of them pursue Adierenor, who is unaware of their presence, all the while falling in love with each other. Without fully understanding why, Rebecca and Thede have been enlisted in stopping the angel’s unholy mission. Ultimately, they must confront humanity’s true nature and help an angel of God reconcile his faith in mankind—before he delivers the world to doom.

What the hell happened to Marie? If you start your query letter with a character, I assume s/he is the main character. If Marie is not the main character you need to start someplace else.


I am aware that a 120,000-word story is a bit lengthy for a first novel—however, I’ve noticed that angels as protagonists (or antagonists, depending on whether said angel is “fallen”) are on the rise, seen in recent book titles such as Angelology by Danielle Trussoni and Anne Rice’s Songs of the Seraphim series.

Don't excuse your word length. If you have 120K, you have it. And how popular angel books are don't have anything to do with word count. What you mean here most likely is that you've noticed that these popular angel books are longer than the norm. But, you still don't need to say it.

I have published several articles in (redacted) as well as authored a document solicited for inclusion in a manuscript under review for publication, (redacted)

Please let me know if my novel interests you; I would be happy to send you the manuscript or any other requested materials. Thank you for your time.


I don't have any sense of the actual story here. You haven't given us a sense of the stakes, or why we should care about the protagonist. In fact, I'm not actually sure who the protagonist is.

Form rejection

#163

Dear Query Shark:

It's not like Amber Crandall actually wants her little sister dead, but sometimes she thinks that a moment of silence sounds like a pretty good thing--until it actually happens.

This is an excellent first sentence. You might be tempted to "polish it up" by writing it thus: Amber Crandall doesn't actually want her sister dead, but resist resist resist.

The way this sentence is constructed right now, the rawness, is pretty close to perfect for conveying voice.

Late one night during the spring of her senior year, Amber's father returns home unexpectedly from his military tour of duty in Iraq looking like he hasn't taken a strictly paved route home from wherever it was the Marines shipped him.


Here I think we're running into a difference of idiom "Strictly paved route home" isn't the phrase I'd choose but I'd check the address/area code to see if the writer is Canadian or Australian. It wouldn't make me stop reading because I understand what you mean.


While her image-obsessed mother glosses over her father's increasingly erratic behavior, Amber struggles to maintain her customary role as family peacemaker. She definitely doesn't air the family secrets. Only her senile grandmother has the nerve to speak out, and nobody takes Gran seriously.

At this point I'm praying nothing goes wrong in the rest of the letter because I'm very very interested.


But when her father disappears the same night a bomb detonates in their community theater, Amber uncovers evidence of the double life her father kept hidden for over a decade.

And here's the sentence that every single query letter needs: the point at which the action starts. Where the protagonist must choose what to do.

Everything Amber has ever believed about her father, her family, and even her own identity begins to unravel. When the youngest Crandall goes missing, Amber finally speaks up--but it might not be soon enough to save her sister's life.

Notice that the writer has mentioned FIVE characters: Amber, Mum, Dad, Gran, little sister. Normally I'd be all over that as "character soup" but this WORKS. Why? Because the writer does not name the characters...she describes who they are to Amber: Mum, Dad, Gran, sister.

One Last Thread is a young adult novel of approximately 38,000 words that follows Amber's struggle to do the right thing while remaining true to the family she loves in spite of their imperfections--and her own.

Notice that the writer does not need to tell us anything more than "struggle to do the right thing" here. We don't need to know what she has to do, only that it is the right thing. Specificity is good, but it can get you bogged down in detail. This is an elegant way to convey what Amber must do.

(I know you prefer word counts between 50 and 200 thousand, but you also constantly snarl about extraneous information. So... I pared on the side of caution. The far side.)

This is a hilarious line because I DO snarl about paring down, and I was a tad concerned at 38K for a YA novel. Frankly I'd be ok with a novel on the short side of things because it's a lot easier to tell a writer to add scenes and flesh out characters than have them pare things away.

This also SHOWS rather than tells that the writer reads the blog and (more important!) pays attention. At this point I'm totally smitten.

Thank you for your time,



Contact Information redacted



This is as close to a perfect query as we've seen here in a while. You bet I'd request pages. In fact, I AM requesting pages. Send at once.

#162-revised 5x FTW

Dear Query Shark,

Patrick was just seven when he fell into the well. He died never knowing why his brother, Michael, did not return to save him.

Decades later, unyielding grief and remorse beckon Michael back to the farm where Pat’s life ended. He hopes to find closure. Instead, he finds Patrick.

Patrick is still only seven. Still playful and mischievous. He misses Michael. Does not care why Michael left him. He simply wants to be together again. Like it was.

He wants Michael to join him on the other side. But since Michael found Linda, his childhood sweetheart, he now has every reason to live.

He refuses Patrick. Pat makes a game of helping his brother to crossover. And if Linda gets in the way, no problem. She can play, too.

Michael wants to do the right thing. He owes it to Patrick. He just doesn’t know what that it is yet. He only hopes it does not include losing his girlfriend, his life or his brother a second time around.

Abandoned ABANDONED is a supernatural suspense just over 100k words.

Book titles are in all caps. I don't think I've mentioned that on QueryShark before but they are.


Thank you for your time.


With apologies to the OldSpice Man: look at your first query. Now look at this. Now look at your second query. Now look at this.

You've given us a reason to care about both characters; we're sympathetic to both their situations. That's a very VERY good thing. In the first query you sounded like a movie announcer: that's gone. Michael sounded gutless and stupid; that's gone.

This is a nice revision. A VERY nice revision.



I don't represent this kind of suspense novel (they scare the cracophony out of me) but I think you've got a query that will get your pages read. Make sure you apply what you learned here to the pages.

Good luck!


----------------------------

Dear Query Shark,

Patrick was just seven when he fell into the well. He died never knowing why his brother, Michael, did not come back to save him.


Starting with Patrick is a very interesting change from the previous iterations. I like it a lot.

Three decades later, grief and shame beckon Michael back to the place where Pat’s life ended. There he Michael hopes to find closure and self-forgiveness. Instead, he finds Patrick.

Chop everything you don't need. You'd be surprised how many extra words are in first/second/third drafts.

Pat is unmoved by Michael’s regrets. He does not want a confession, nor does he care how Michael, as a confused boy, fearful of punishment for playing near the well, made so grave an error so grave in judgment. He simply wants to be together again. He asks Michael to join him on the other side. When Michael refuses, Pat makes a game of facilitating his crossover any way he can.

You're on the right track here, but I'd suggest more honing. Honing means reduce compound sentences to simple sentences in the places that will boost the energy of the writing. Honing means taking out every single word you can while holding the integrity of the sentence. Honing means choosing every word carefully.


Consider this: Patrick doesn't want a confession; he doesn't care why Michael left him alone in the well to die. He simply wants to be together again. Like it was. He wants Michael to join him on the other side. But Michael, inexplicably, refuses. Pat makes a game to get his brother to crossover...isn't this fun!


What we need here is to see Patrick is still 7. He's not actually trying to kill his brother, just have his brother join him.

To end this, Michael must learn to see the world through Pat’s eyes, understand that bonds of blood run deep, and the love between brothers never dies.

This paragraph veers off into movie announcer phrases. It's not as sharp or focused as what came before.

Abandoned is a supernatural suspense just over 100k words.

Thank you for your time,


This is getting better, but you're not there quite yet. Revise. I promise revisions will not actually kill you.

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Dear Query Shark,

Nine-year-old Michael loved his younger brother, Patrick. He cried the day they buried his empty casket. But the river had not claimed the boy’s body as everyone believed. It lay, instead, at the bottom of a well. Michael should know. He saw Pat fall in.

There's no urgency here, no sense of panic or chaos. It's all very bloodless and tidy. I suggest you shorten the sentences, and reorder them to build tension:

Michael and his brother are playing where they aren't supposed to. Patrick falls into the well. Michael is afraid he'll get in trouble for that and directs rescuers to the river first. Reasoning as only a nine-year-old can, that the rescuers will find Patrick, he is devastated when they don't. And so on.



Dreading punishment for playing near the forbidden site, Michael tells would-be rescuers Patrick disappeared by the river. He assumes search teams will fan out and find his brother. They do not. He becomes frightened, confused and overwhelmed in the chaos that follows. Concerned for his welfare, caretakers whisk the traumatized boy away. He looks back from the taxi, his silent shout sealing Patrick’s fate forever.

Years later, psychological wounds have reshape Michael’s memories of the event, cleansing the worst of the guilt from his mind. Out of money and work, he returns to the old farmhouse where Patrick died and finds the place in a state of disrepair. Despite its condition, his circumstances force him to stay.

We don't feel anything here. There's no emotion in the writing, no sense of tension or foreboding.

Within days, strange occurrences manifest about the premises. Michael suspects teenage pranksters, but police find no evidence to support his claims. Only when no one else will listen, does Patrick’s spirit reveal himself to Michael.

Patrick is still only seven-years-old. He does not understand that Michael has grown, and all he wants is to be with his brother again. He begs Michael to join him. When Michael refuses, Patrick endeavors to hasten his crossing.

Unfortunately, no one else can see Patrick, and this dangerous interaction between living and dead has everyone thinking Michael is going insane.



Things can never be as they were. Yet even in death, brotherly bonds remain inviolable. Convincing Patrick to let him live will not be easy. To do so, Michael will have to reconcile whitewashed memories, admit culpability and accept the unpleasant truth that sometimes even young boys can make grave mistakes. If unable, then Patrick may have the last say in what penance Michael will pay for abandoning him so long ago.


Abandoned is a paranormal suspense a bit over 100k words.

Thank you for your time.

You've got the structure down, and the bones of the query in place, but now you need the writing to show conflict, tension and some suspense.

Right now, there's nothing that compels me to read on. The query is flat. It needs to be energized.It's like soup before you add the salt; good but not zesty.



-----------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Nine-year-old Michael loved his younger brother Patrick. He cried the day they buried his empty casket. But the river had not claimed the boy’s body as everyone believed, instead, it lay at the bottom of a well. Michael should know. He saw Pat fall in and did nothing to save him.

This is actually a very nice start. I'd advise breaking the third sentence (But the river) in to two here: believed. Instead,

Psychological wounds reshaped Michael’s recollections, cleansing him of memories too difficult to bear. Years later, out of money and work, he returns to the old farmhouse where Patrick died, finding it in a state of disrepair. Despite its condition, his circumstances force him to stay.

This is nicely creepy.


Within days, curious happenings begin to manifest in and around the house. Michael suspects teenage pranksters are to blame, but police find no evidence to support his claims. Only when no one else will listen to his complaints, does Patrick’s spirit reveal himself to Michael.

I'm pretty hooked by now.

The spirit appears Patrick is still only seven-years-old and indifferent to Michael’s maturity. He has anguished alone for so long, and now all he wants is to be with his brother again. He begs Michael to cross over, reasoning it is only right since he was responsible for his death.

But Michael does not remember it that way, and does not want to cross over. Neither does he remember how clever, resourceful and tenacious his little brother can be.

Patrick attempts to hasten Michael’s crossing, each time failing, though edging him closer to remembering the truth.

Unfortunately for Michael, no one else can see Patrick, and this dangerous interaction between living and dead has everyone believing Michael is going insane.

Whatever the case, deep down Michael knows that if he loves his brother, he must reconcile his memories, lift the denial that insulates his pain and admit his culpability in Pat’s death. If not, he may spend the rest of his life trying to break free of Patrick’s spirit, or worse–die trying.

Abandoned is a paranormal suspense a bit over 100k words.

For your consideration, I can provide the manuscript in Word doc. or print version.

Best regards,

The central problem here is that I don't much care if Michael dies or recovers. He let his brother die, and said nothing. Patrick's revenge seems pretty sensible to me. I wouldn't mind being able to haunt a few ne'er do wells from the grave once I'm on the other side.

We'll need to see more of why Michael is a sympathetic character to want to read this.

This arrived as a big bloc o'text AND your emails to me are on some sort of arty background and start about two inches from the top of the email viewing window. I simply cannot emphasize enough that you MUST send your emails without ANY decorative touches. If I hadn't scrolled down, I would have thought the email was blank.


Form rejection, but this is much much improved from the initial version.





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Abandoned- Horror.
Word count: 119,500

Don't do this. For starters, horror is a VERY tough category right now. I can count on one fin the number of agents who sell it. You're much better off enticing me with the story first, and letting me deal with the bad news about category later. Same with word count. Let me love the story, then drop the bad news that it's 119K (and yes, I think that's bad news but not everyone agrees)


Dear Query Shark,

The house is haunted. He’s been told that, but Michael Riley has bigger things to worry about. Besides losing his job, his grandmother, and now possibly the old farmhouse he inherited, Michael's dark secret threaten to drive him insane.

This is cliche. I'd stop reading right here. I've jumped up and down and screamed for 160+ queries about starting with the problem/choice/dilemma the main character faces. Start with action.


When Michael’s little brother, Patrick, disappeared thirty years ago, no one expected to see the boy again. Now Patrick is back, and as Gramma Riley promised, he knows what scares you.

This sounds exactly like the voice over for a movie "Patrick's back, and he knows what scares you." There are no telling details, no indications of character.

From the beginning, things are not right. Noises down the hall, footsteps in the night, lights turning off and on by themselves, all point to something supernatural at work. Still, Michael is in denial.

Michael sounds like an idiot here. There's an entire category of characters called "TSTL (too stupid to live)" and they are the ones who look at what's clearly A Problem and say "gosh, it must be mice in the attic" This is not interesting. This is farce.


When an old neighbor, Roland, shows up, things get even more bizarre. An accomplice in Patrick’s disappearance, Roland claims that Patrick’s ghost haunts him, and wishes him dead. But Roland is not well, psychologically speaking. While Michael has been quietly suppressing his demons, letting false memories replace unpleasant ones, Roland has been living an endless nightmare until the lines between real and imaginary have blurred into one.


Things were bizarre before? Patrick disappeared on purpose? If Patrick isn't dead, how can his ghost haunt Roland?

Again, this is all smoke and mirrors, nothing substantive.


Enter Linda Maher, Michael’s childhood sweetheart. Romance again blossoms between them and Michael soon realizes how quickly a ghost can ruin a good thing. Linda is not part of the conspiracy that took place so many years ago, but if she gets in his way, Patrick is not above helping her cross over.

I thought Patrick wasn't dead?

This presents Michael with difficult choice. Should he forget about Patrick and start a new life with the girl of his dreams, or risk losing her by putting to rest once and for all his little brother and the demons that have waited three decades for his return?

Finally, we get to the choice! Notice it's in the last paragraph...the very last place it should be! I still don't quite get what the choice is other than the very general Girlfriend or Dead Brother. Me, I'd pick the girlfriend, but I'm an earth sign so I like things that are real.


Best regards,


This is a form rejection. There's nothing here to hold onto. I have no sense of what Michael is about, why his brother wants to scare him, or why, given the chance, Michael wouldn't run off to Vegas with the girlfriend.

#161-REVISED

Ms Brenda Chin, Senior Editor

Harlequin Books/MIRA Books
225 Duncan Mill Road
6th Floor
Don Mills, Ontario M3B 3K9
CANADA

Have I not stomped and screamed and screeched and carried on about this enough? DO NOT put anything in the first line except the salutation when sending your queries by email. DO NOT.

I know where I work. I know my name. Start with what matters: what your book is about.

Dear Ms. Chin:



Country music superstar, Kit Landry, is tired of living her life like a bad Patsy Cline song. Can she save her career and find love before she’s exiled to Branson?



A sexy, contemporary romance, Music City Seduction, is complete at 60,000 words and written for the Harlequin Blaze line.

Start with what the book is about. Log lines are almost universally NOT helpful. Category and word count are housekeeping: put them at the bottom.


Five years ago, Kit ditched her crappy life and moved to Nashville with $200, her guitar, and a notebook full of songs. But living like a rock star has spiraled Kit lower than the suits at her label are willing to continue financing. She’s ordered to shape up or ship out of the limelight.

You're missing some sort of connection between her moving to Nashville and her success. This makes it sound like living on $200 with a guitar and a notebook is living like a rock star.

This is cause you're starting at the wrong place. How she got to Nashville isn't key. The fact that she's successful and "living like a rock star" is. Start there.

Max Butler, on the other hand, is as far from a celebrity as you can get. A Nashville firefighter, he’s looking forward to settling down with the kids, PTA, and a wife in his bed every night. So, when his life suddenly collides with Kit’s, neither of them are prepared for the sexual sizzle between them that just can’t be denied.

I'm seeing a HUGE increase in sentences starting with So. Don't do it. It undercuts the strength of your sentences. It's like "um" when you're speaking. A bad habit you don't notice till you look for it. Go through your manuscript with for So as a whole word and I bet you'll find more than one hundred of them, and every time you take it out, you'll have a stronger sentence.





But, can a regular guy and a country music superstar make it work in the land of the Grand Ole Opry and Elvis?



Join Max and Kit in Music City, as they learn that love isn’t just a word in a country song.



While never awarded a recording contract, I can boast a lifetime of hairbrush singing in the bathroom and performing as the lead singer in a successful, local band for the past nine years. When I’m not performing cover songs (or devouring a Blaze novel), I am an active member of RWA and the (redacted) Romance Writers chapter.


This is actually the best paragraph in the letter because it shows some zest and humor. That's not good, because you really need that zest and humor in the novel. Right now it's pretty bland.

Pursuant to your submission guidelines, I am enclosing the synopsis of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.



Sincerely,


This simply doesn't have enough zing to lift it beyond cliche. One of the problems might be that you're trying to write a short query. Don't. Write an eleven page one instead. Then pare it down. Keep only the zesty phrases and descriptions.

It takes MORE to create less. I honestly don't think you can write a concise captivating query letter without writing about triple the word count first.

You've got all the right pieces; they're just not very flavorful right now.

Form rejection




--

Dear Query Shark:

Granny Landry used to say, “Don’t borrow trouble, you’ll get your own soon enough.”

Kit Landry has her fair share of trouble these days. Five years ago, she ditched her crappy life and moved to Nashville, TN with $200, her guitar, and a notebook full of songs.

Waiting tables paid the bills while she stomped the sidewalk trying to get a break. Kit was one of the lucky ones, and soon she signed with a label and her career took off. For a while, she had it all – right up until her movie star boyfriend dumped her for an Oscar winner that could boost his “Q” factor and Kit decided to have a pity party and invite all the tabloids.

The “suits” at the label weren’t happy (apparently you can only fall apart on the front page if your last name is Spears) and now her contract renewal is based upon one condition – staying out of trouble.

Why is suits in quotes? Aren't they suits? Suits is a perfectly correct use of the word to mean "the guys who run the money side of things" No quotes.

Quotes imply something is NOT what you say it is. Example: Oh yes, Cruella DeVill is a real "dog lover"

Also, unless you live on a different planet with a different Nashville or music industry, this does not ring true to me. Suits care about one thing: money. Publicity and notoriety drive the money machine. No suit in his/her right mind is going to insist a musician be LESS visible.

So, you have a problem. If she needs to stay out of trouble, there has to be a REAL reason. I'd suggest she's either popular in a market that requires correct behaviour (Christian music) or the insurance guys won't bond her for a tour (which is where the money is made) for some reason.

You simply can't say "the suits tell her to stay out trouble or else" cause you need it for a starting point in the book.

I'm perfectly willing to suspend my disbelief for flying dragons...but if you set your book in a world I know, it MUST feel like how that world works.


Max Butler is content to leave the music business alone. Although he loves serving in the Nashville Fire Department, his brush with Music City left him with a bad taste in his mouth – and a divorce decree in hands.

Now, after years of hard work, he’s in line for a coveted promotion and nothing is going to get in his way. Once that block is checked, he can settle down with the life he wants: kids, PTA, and a wife in his bed every night. All he has to do is stay out of trouble.

This is where you really need to start. All the preceding is backstory and set up. You can use a few well-chosen words in the following paragraphs so we understand they both need to stay out of trouble.



Trapped in a burning studio one night, Kit just wanted someone to rescue her – she really didn’t want to die in the bathroom like Elvis.

Elvis died of a drug overdose not a fire. The comparison really doesn't work. You're reaching for humor here, when you don't need to. No one wants to die in a fire.

But, when she got a good look at the handsome firefighter, she wondered if she had died and gone to heaven. She’d love to see more of Max, but her historical bad taste in men, have convinced the label that “hot man” and “trouble” are synonymous for Kit.

When does the fire occur in the book? If it's anytime AFTER chapter 3, you've got too much windup.

Max is a huge fan of Kit – she’s his dream girl and everyone knows it. Two weeks after the fire, he sees her again at a commendation ceremony and his buddies bet that he can’t get her to sleep with him. Kit overhears the wager, but not the terms, and before he knows it, she’s shaking on it and backing the bet. Max would love to fulfill his “Kit Landry” fantasy, but this mess has – you guessed it - trouble written all over it.


They couldn’t be more different. Kit leaves for her summer tour in less than a month and Max just wants a normal life. But, when the sexual sizzle between them is impossible to ignore, they agree on a solution: Three weeks. No strings. Great sex.

Going out on tour is like running a marathon--a marathon a day, every day of the tour. Musicians getting ready to go out on tour in less than a month are in rehearsal daily, working out at the gym, getting costumes fitted. They're WORKING. Hard! It's not the time I'd associate with a fling.



But, Kit has a problem. Someone is leaking information about her to the press and none of it is designed to make her look good. When Max gets dragged into it, suddenly he’s involved in a life he doesn't want, with a girl who’s quickly becoming so much more than a fantasy.

Join Max and Kit on a journey where they learn that normal is overrated and love really can be just like a country song.



A contemporary romance, Looking for Normal is complete at 60,000 words and available at your request.

Of course it is. You'd read it aloud to me on the subway if I asked but let's save that for the book trailer.

I am active member of RWA and the (redacted) Romance Writers chapter. This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.



Sincerely,

This is a form rejection: I don't believe the premise. It feels like the characters are where they are cause you need them there, not cause it would actually be like that organically. Of course, this is why reading queries is so subjective. My opinion is based on what I think I know...and maybe I'm wrong. (A shocking idea, but it's happened)


What would make me think I was wrong is if you mention you're a touring musician. The value of a writer's bio in a query letter is for just these moments. As I'm reading along, and I think, "oh this isn't how that stuff works" and then I see you're actually in that industry, I'd give you the benefit of the doubt.

But right now, form rejection.

#160-the director's cut

Many of you made comments about #160-For the Win that got me thinking. I've copied and pasted some of your comments here and replied in blue.

This isn't a "you're wrong, I'm right" recap. I think your comments are interesting and raise valid points. Think of this as Bite 2!

-------------------------
I didn't understand the pertinence of the first two sentences in the second paragraph. What does Beatrice's love of insects have to do with the rest of the story?

It kept niggling at me as I read the rest of the query so much so that, when there was nothing to tie back, I felt disappointed.

I think Beatrice's love of insects is less about plot than it is about character. I think it's an excellent way to show (not tell!) that Beatrice is interested in things around her, that she is curious, and she's probably pretty smart. And it says all that quite elegantly.

This is a much more useful description of a character than age, eye and hair color, and I see that a LOT in queries.


------------------------
Do 15 year-olds get jobs as nannies? Is that the same as a baby sitter? I guess that's my only question? I just jump into Mary Poppins and such like.


This wasn't a problem for me. It's clear her job is taking care of James during the summer. If, after reading it, her job should be called something else, well then we'll fix it.


This is a classic example of missing the forest for the trees. This is a good query despite this lack of certainty in correct job title. It's the WRITING I respond to. I can fix almost anything but voice so I'm not worried if she's a nanny or a babysitter.



------------------------


I guess I'm also wondering, if they need a babysitter to watch James during the day over the summer, what chance Beatrice has to overhear. If both parents are home, why do they need her? If they're self-employed/work from home, that sounds like a more useful tidbit than her love of insects (cool as that may be).

they're not, well, why would she hang around the house once they're home?

When would she get the chance to eavesdrop? What is James in danger from? Depression? Or is his life in danger? Where did that come in? I guess it didn't all hang together so well for me as it did for some.

Actually your questions allow me to make a point: you don't need to drown us in the whys and wherefores, particularly in a query letter.

If you grab me, I'll generally go along for the ride. It's only when something really doesn't work logically at all that I'm catapulted out of the story.

Remember, I'm not reading your queries in my slush pile with an idea of critiquing them, or analyzing them, or anything for anything other than answering Do I Want To Read This Book?


Yes, these questions will need to be answered, but that can come in the novel, not the query. The only (ONLY) purpose of a query is to entice me to read pages, and have your deets so I can ask for more.
------------------------

I loved it, but 44,000 words is surely more of a novella length?

This is YA and maybe even MG (middle grade) The word count isn't a problem.



------------------------

I guess it's not important to mention setting? Have no idea where this story is set or even on what continent. Is it better not to mention a specific setting and just keep it general? One pitch I made last week and got a 3-chapter hit the following day, I mentioned "a small Pennsylvania town" in the first paragraph.

For my novels set in Malaysia, I clearly state that fact.

If you need setting to make the query hold together logically, then yes you need it.
If you need setting to entice me to read on, then yes you need it.

If you don't, or don't, then you don't.

There are no hard and fast rules on what you absolutely have to have. You need what works. What works can vary.

That's one of the reasons I'm so adamant about reading the Query Shark archives. If you read 160+ queries and their revisions, you'll see what works and what doesn't, and develop a sense for it in your queries.


It's a little like learning to drive. When you first started you had to run down the checklist in your head: start engine, engage gear, look in rear view mirror and so on.

Now you can do all that while texting, eating, and shouting at the idiot driver next to you. Driving is second nature.

Read enough QueryShark and you can shout at the idiot driver next to you while composting your most excellent query.


------------------------
Wow, maybe this is why I can't get an agent to reply favorably to my queries. I guess I just don't get it. When I first read this query, I thought the "Win" was for worst query of the day.Sure it was direct. I'll give you that, but I thought it was all over the place.

Stephine Barr is right. So Beitris likes bugs. Big deal. How will that further the story? There is an extortion taking place. I like that, but what makes Beitris think James in danger? And if he is in danger, how could Willem be a "real problem"? All he wants to do is date her. When they fight, what's the matter with confiding in her girlfriends? They sure seem eager enough to talk to her about boys.

I'm sorry, but if this 15 year old spends so much time worrying about Darfur and climate change, maybe her plate if full enough.

At 44,000 words, I don't believe it's long enough to build, cultivate and resolve the mélange of complexities introduced in this query. I don't mean to pounce on this author, but come on QueryShark. Is this what you really want from us?


yes.

Don't over think this. A query isn't a road map for a book, it's an invitation to read one.
This one works.

This query has nothing that resembles a melange of complexities to me. I think it's actually pretty elegant writing. You are of course, free to disagree.

#160-for the win!

Dear Ms. Reid,

Beatrice Thompson is fifteen, worried about Darfur and climate change, and quickly getting in over her head with her summer job.

Beatrice Thompson loves insects. She loves watching their behavior, capturing them, and pinning them. It is summer break and Beatrice is working as a nanny. James Anderson, the boy she’s watching, is depressed. She wants to figure out why, so she begins eavesdropping on his parents. What she discovers is more than just a couple contemplating a divorce. Instead she realizes they are being extorted, but she can’t figure out why. She also cannot understand what they’re being asked to give up. So she keeps snooping around.

If the issues with the summer job aren’t enough, she’s got a real problem: her best friend Willem has been acting strange. Her girlfriends are convinced he wants to date Beatrice, but she won’t jeopardize their friendship for anything. When she and Willem fight about her nosiness, Beatrice has no one left to confide in about the Andersons’ strange behavior.

Beatrice makes a connection about wetland development that may explain everything, but she has to link all the clues in time to protect James.

A young adult novel, The Ordinary Life of the Insect Collector, is complete at 44,000 words.


Thank you for your time.

Oh heck yes you're sending this to me.
Right now.
In fact, why are you still reading...send! Send!

What I like: it's concise, it shows me what the book is about, gives me a sense of the problem and what choice Beatrice makes. There's no TELLING me what kind of book this it, just SHOWING me.

This is a very very good query.

#159-revised

Dear QueryShark:

When an ex-girlfriend dies of a heroin overdose, auto mechanic Mark Allister receives custody of a seven-year-old daughter he never knew existed.

I'm a very very big fan of starting a query letter with the name of the main character. I'm also in favor of starting query letters with sentences, not clauses. I think it gives the query more energy.


Consider this: Mark Allister gets custody of a seven-year-old-daughter he never knew existed when an ex-girlfriend dies of a heroin overdose.

Lara Allister is beautiful in almost every way except for a deformed hand where two fingers fuse into one, the source of an incredible power. With a single touch, she can restore old cars to mint condition and bring machines to life. She tells them what to do and they obey.

In the previous iteration of this query you mentioned you're the father of two daughters. Now, is any single part of either of those girls not beautiful to you? (I really hope the answer is no)

I suggest that "beautiful in every way" INCLUDING a deformed hand, more correctly conveys how Mark feels about his daughter.

Her mother’s drug supplier tried to sell Lara to the Russian Mafia, and then a runaway steamroller flattened him in the street.

If you break that into two sentences it has more punch: Her mother’s drug supplier tried to sell Lara to the Russian Mafia. A runaway steamroller flattened him in the street.


(I'm sure it says nothing good about me that I really like that idea.)


You almost never need and before then. (The exception is dialogue) As you read your query (AND your novel) try the sentence without "and." Where ever you can, prune away every SINGLE unneeded word and then you will see what I mean.


The Russians, though, still want their prize. After tracking Lara to Mark’s doorstep, they try to convince him to give her up. When he refuses, they resort to burning down his business, executing his friends, and his parents.

Watch for verbs ending in -ing. When he refuses, they burn down his business, execute his friends, and his parents. See the difference?




Mark has other problems besides the Russians. A routine trip to the doctor leads to the discovery of a cyst on Lara’s brain. It grows each time she uses her power. If it gets big enough, it will choke off the blood supply to her brain causing stroke, coma, and potentially death.

To defeat the Russians, Mark will have to fight them alone. With only a little money and no place to hide, Mark will make a final stand, willing to give his final breath to save his daughter’s life.

A 75,000-word horror novel, One Touch focuses on the relationship between a father and his child.

Don't tell me what it focuses on. You've shown me what the story is about; that's all you need to do: ONE TOUCH is a 75,000 word horror novel.

May I send some portion of my manuscript for your review?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

With Highest Regards,



This is a LOT better than the first version. It's still a form rejection though because I have a sneaking suspicion the novel needs more polish. When I see this kind of writing in a query (and it's NOT bad writing, it's just polished enough yet) I believe I'll see it in the novel. I don't request or take on projects I think will need a lot of polish.

There's a real difference for me in novels that are polished but might need some structural work, and novels where the writing just doesn't gleam yet.




--------
Dear QueryShark,

Auto-mechanic Mark Allister lived an uncomplicated life. When an ex-girlfriend dies from a heroine overdose, he inherits a copper-headed little girl; a daughter he never knew existed.

And we're done right here. Why? Unless the ex-girlfriend died from reading too many romance novels, it's most likely you mean heroin, not heroine. There's a pretty big difference.

I've howled about this before but I'll say it again: words are your tools. If you misuse them, it's a Huge Warning Sign. I don't mean typos. We all make those. This isn't a typo. This is a homonym.

The other thing here is that you're saying things twice: copper-headed little girl and a daughter he never knew existed are the same person.

The sentence sounds stronger like this: When an ex-girlfriend dies from a heroine overdose, he inherits a daughter he never knew existed.

Given that the color of her hair probably doesn't much matter, I suggest you pare it out to give your sentence some oomph.


Lara Allister is a beautiful little seven-year-old, except for a deformed little hand, where there are four fingers instead of five. Mark wants to put Lara up for adoption, but changes his mind after he discovers her magnificent power. She can talk to machines, she can tell them what to do, and they obey. It is a power governments would pay billions to possess. Members of the Russian Mafia will not rest until they own it and can sell it.

What does her deformity have to do with her power? If they are not related, they don't belong in the same paragraph. If they are, then it's not obvious to me how talking to machines is related to a missing finger (and I'll forgo the smart ass offering that she talks to machines in sign language)

And if you want Mark to sound like a schmuck, you'll leave in the part about putting the kid up for adoption. Without any other information like "doubting his ability to raise a child" or "because he worked on an oil rig and was away from home for weeks at a time" his initial response to give up the kid makes him unsympathetic.

And of course, he keeps her only when he finds out she has magic powers doesn't do much to change that impression.

Set in the fictional town of Indian Springs, Alabama, One Touch documents the heroic story of how an average man saves one unique little girl.

When you use the word "document" you imply it's non-fiction. Novels don't document anything. They're made up.

A 75,000 word work of fiction, One Touch is a horror novel that champions the relationship between a father and his child.

This is a horror novel? You really fooled me. There's nothing here that makes me think this falls in that category.

And you don't need to say it's a work of fiction and that it's a novel. You didn't use the magic rejection phrase fiction novel, but you came close.

As a father of two little girls, I drew upon my relationship with them to develop the characters and the emotions of this book.

This is a novel. You get to make it all up and you don't have to tell me where you got the ingredients.


As a follower of both of your blogs I worked a long time for this opportunity. Though flattery gets you no where, I would honestly consider it an honor if you reviewed my work. May I send you some portion of my manuscript?

Don't tell me you follow this blog. SHOW ME. Show me by writing a query letter that makes me think "holy crap, they've been paying attention."


This is form rejection in paragraph one.

#158-Revised

Dear QueryShark:

Can Jim Taylor and his horse thwart a gang of murders and kidnappers? Only Jim avoids capture when the son of an oil and gas magnate and his party are held for ransom.

The way you've organized those sentences makes it sound like Jim's horse gets kidnapped. You need to start with "When the son of (etc)" to make it work.


Solitude Showdown follows Jim and his horse and their efforts to rescue the hostages and survive the rigors of the Wyoming wilderness.



Jim has come to Wyoming fleeing a life he can no longer endure.

This doesn't matter to the core of the plot, and doesn't belong in the query. What matters is why Jim feels like he has to thwart these guys on his own. Frankly, if someone kidnapped my merry band of godsends, I'd leave them and run off to Vegas. Well, ok, maybe not. But here we get no sense of why Jim feels a stake in the outcome. Why does he care? Fleeing a life he can't endure because that's not specific enough to be real is not specific enough for us to understand why he'd risk his life (and his horse!) to thwart the bad guys.


He and his horse, Buck, witness the murder of one camper and the taking of the rest of the party. Calling on his cell phone, Jim learns that the local sheriff is unable to help. Only he and Buck can save the hostages.

This is really awkward. Buck witnesses the murder? Well, ok, but really c'mon. "The taking of the rest of the party" Anytime you have an eight word sentence and three of the words are "the" you have textbook "needs to be revised"

"Calling on his cell phone": Jim reaches the sheriff by cell phone, and learns he is unable to help.

"Only he and Buck can save the hostages" Well, no. Paying the ransom probably can too. Right?

Outnumbered six to one, Jim exploits his horsemanship and his knowledge of the wilderness to even the odds. Seeking redemption for past failures, Jim risks his life repeatedly and kills again and again. He is horrified to discover a talent for killing.

The only interesting sentence here is that he's horrified to discover he has a talent for killing. Why is he horrified?

Relying on Jim’s calls for information, Sheriff’s Zeke Thomason comes to suspect that the man held for ransom is actually a willing participant. Doublecrosses and forces of nature create chaos for the kidnappers and for law enforcement. Even escape from the mountains does not end the ordeal for Jim and Buck.

Solitude Showdown is 65,000 words complete. It is the first of several novels featuring Jim, Buck and Sheriff Zeke Thomason.

Let's start with one and see how it goes.

My guess is that the book is as full of awkward writing as the query. I see writers querying too early in their careers a LOT. I have a sneaking suspicion that's the case here.


this is a form rejection.
---------
Word Count: 65,000

Title: Solitude Showdown

(name redacted)

The name on your email, and this name do not match.
That's a HUGE red flag for me on queries.
My guess is you had your admin asst send this.
Use a dedicated email for your writing, NOT your biz email, and certainly NOT your admin's.

(street address redacted)
(evening phone redacted)
(day phone redacted)

I know you said you read and followed the directions, but I simply do not believe it after seeing this.

Do not start with the word count and the title. And REALLY don't start with your contact information.

My computer screen shows seven FEWER lines of your actual query when you do this. If an agent is reading on her Blackberry, Iphone or other small screen, it's even less: the first eight lines you've used with housekeeping details are the ONLY thing she sees.

Once more cause it's clearly not sinking in: start with what the book is about.



Can one man and his horse thwart a gang of murders and kidnappers? The son of an oil and gas magnate and his party are held for ransom. Only one man avoids capture. Solitude Showdown follows that man and his horse in their efforts to rescue the hostages and survive the rigors of the Wyoming wilderness.

The one man in the first sentence is not the son of the oil magnate in the second. The third sentence goes back to the "one man." This is tennis match writing: bouncing from one court to another. That's not what you want, particularly in a query.

Consider this:

Can one man and his horse thwart a gang of murders and kidnappers? Only one man avoids capture when the son of an oil and gas magnate and his party are held for ransom. Solitude Showdown follows that man and his horse in their efforts to rescue the hostages and survive the rigors of the Wyoming wilderness.

Jim Taylor has come to Wyoming fleeing a life he can no longer endure. He and his horse, Buck, witness the murder of one camper and the taking of the rest of the party. Jim struggles to overcome self doubt and the impulse to flee from the crisis.

And you'd be much better off to replace "one man" in paragraph one with his name.

There's an offputting inconsistency between the first and last sentence. Jim Taylor is fleeing a life he can no longer endure. That seems to show he's got some gumption to make changes in his life. The last sentence (struggles to overcome self-doubt and the impulse to flee from the crisis) undercuts our sense that Jim might be heroic.



Communicating by cell phone, Jim is enlisted by the local sheriff to follow kidnappers through the wilderness. Forced by circumstances, both man and horse kill members of the kidnap gang. Jim is shocked to discover how easy killing becomes. He wonders whether he is any different from the men he has stalked.

Here's you've sunk into telling us about situations, not choices. WHY does Jim elect to do this? What's in it for him?

Alerted by Jim’s call, Sheriff Zeke Thomason tries to organize a posse. He is immobilized by meddling politicians. Frustrated at being held up in town, he must await Jim’s calls for news. A savvy old lawman, the sheriff comes to suspect that the man held for ransom is actually a willing participant.

Whoa. Cell phones are a feature of the modern day. Posses are not. You're also getting bogged down in too much detail here, and you're burying the most interesting part of the paragraph: the man held for ransom is actually a willing participant.

Here's where I'd stop reading. There's nothing enticing or interesting yet, there's at least one "whoa" and the jumbled writing of paragraph one makes me think the novel will have more of the same.


Jim and Buck endure rain, snow, and cold and survive a violent electrical storm and a forest fire. Their shared ordeal strengthens the bond between them. After finally escaping the mountains they must once again defeat the gang leader at the trailhead.

The query is not the place for a complete rundown on the book. You don't need to do anything but set up the premise of the plot and introduce the characters. In fact, the more you tell me, the less likely I am to want to read it because in this very short form of the query letter you have to leave out all the stuff that makes the plot actually work. More is actually LESS ENTICING in a query.

My writing experience dates back many years to when I was a reporter and columnist for a weekly newspaper (in addition to being a hot type topographer). For the past thirty plus years I have been a trial lawyer which means my communication skills have been focused on orally persuasive story telling.

None of this is a publication credential for novels.



For details on my legal career please see www.(redacted).com .

Never ever ever do this. Never. It has nothing to do with querying for a novel.

My legal experience dovetails into my platform. I am well known and respected in my field throughout (region redacted) and have hundreds of former clients who stay in touch.

Well, emailing them you have a novel for sale is a good way to pare down the list of people who want to hear from you.

I am also an experienced horseman and for the past ten years have lived on a farm with nine of the beasts. I have developed an expertise in equine law and am a popular speaker at equine related meetings. I get calls from horse people throughout the state seeking advice and counsel.

There are millions of horses in the United States. The last figure I read was seven million. There are many millions more horse lovers and people who will ride or watch riding events. The horse, Buck, features prominently in the novel and will appeal to all horse people and horse lovers.

This is the worst abuse of logic I see in query letters: My book has horses, people like horses, people will like my book. Not only is that not true, it's so clearly not true, it's one of those phrases that triggers the rejection button.

I am a baby boomer and believe I project that experience and philosophy into the novel. The character, Jim, is sixtyish and has a boomer’s perspective on life and taste in music.

There's now a baby boomer philosophy?

Look, you're trying too hard here. To use a riding metaphor, you're holding the reins with a death grip hoping to steer the query horse in the right direction. Ease up. Tell me what the book is about. That's all I care about.


I enclose a return envelope for your convenience.
This is an email query. If you've enclosed an envelope, I'll eat my cowgirl hat.

I get this kind of stuff every once in a while; mistakes that show you've written this for a paper query then just emailed it. It's not a big deal by itself but it shows you either aren't proofreading your queries, or you don't care. Neither of those are attributes I seek in potential clients.

This is a form rejection.

There are several excellent examples of good and enticing query letters on this blog. Read them.
Revise. Resend.

#157

Dear Query Shark,

I have recently written a novel and I need comments and revision for it.
(word count 591)


***
- Prologue -
Dark Tidings
(redacted)

- Chapter One -
(redacted)

contact info:
(redacted)


This is NOT a query. It misses every single thing required in a query letter except contact information.
Although the subject line says you read and followed the directions, I don't believe it.There is not a chance in the world you read 150+ query letters and thought this was what to send.


This is not a form rejection; this would be deleted without a reply.

Start over.

#156-revised

Dear Query Shark,

Dr. Kate Tilton learns about medical fraud the hard way—as a victim. Her recovery from disfiguring cancer surgery at the hands of a trusted colleague, Dr. Stephen Berg, is complicated by a growing suspicion that a mistake was made. The surgical findings contradict the X-ray and biopsy reports that led to her diagnosis.


Your writing is very passive here. "A growing suspicion" is greatly improved by making it "her growing suspicion"; "a mistake was made" to "her doctor made a mistake."

And correct me if I'm wrong here but medical fraud is commonly used to mean billing errors, not surgical errors. Surgical errors are called malpractice. I'm pretty sure they're two very different things.

When Berg dismisses her concerns as groundless, Kate insists on obtaining a second opinion.

Again, tighten this up: Berg dismisses her concerns (dismisses implies groundless) so Kate gets a second opinion. She doesn't insist on it. Insist implies she's making Berg do something.
She herself gets the second opinion, not Berg.


But when her X-rays and pathology slides vanish she is convinced that she has been the victim of a cover-up in a lucrative scheme to justify unnecessary surgery that she now fears took the life of one her own young patients months earlier.

There are 43 words in that sentence. Too many by half.

Also, if you can diagram this I'll eat my x-rays. I cannot over emphasize the need for simple, clear writing in a query: subject, verb, object. Start with that. Embellish as needed. Don't start with hilariously long convoluted sentences and try to edit them down.


Lacking evidence, she is about to abandon her case against Berg when she recalls that a single lock of hair, suitable for DNA matching, may still be contained inside a tiny locket worn by her deceased patient’s grieving mother.



And here is where you lose me completely. What the heck does DNA matching have to do with unnecessary surgery?


"contained inside" is a classic example of over writing. Either word works fine by itself: you don't need both.

Berg is tried in the girl’s death when DNA testing proves intentional manipulation of surgical evidence in her case resulting in surgery for a nonexistent malignancy. By inference, Kate is presumed to have been a target as well.

Implication not inference. I'll spot you that error this once, but this falls in the homonym category: errors I don't tolerate because writers should know better.



Berg’s conviction enables Kate to begin healing both emotionally and physically.

I am a retired family physician and I am seeking representation for The Bandaged Place, a literary novel that explores the sense of betrayal and outrage experienced by victims of medical fraud and traces one woman’s battle for retribution. It is complete at 80,000 words.

Thank you for your attention and consideration.

Yours truly,


Form rejection


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Query word count: 591 (in other words, too long by half) The 250 word limit forces you to focus and pare down. If your query is too long it risks sounding like a synopsis, and that's a disaster.

Dear Query Shark,

Human error is commonly invoked as a defense against the litigation of alleged medical fraud when, in fact, the crime is deliberate and it is motivated by greed. Dr. Kate Tilton learns this the hard way.

Start with your main character: Dr. Kate Tilton learns the hard way that yadda yadda yadda.



In The Bandaged Place, Dr. Tilton reluctantly closes her medical practice in order to relocate with her husband, Peter, to a remote northern New England community where he has accepted a position with an expanding regional trauma center. It isn't the move that concerns Kate; it's the marriage. Peter is characteristically reticent and their relationship is distant. Nevertheless, Kate considers it her sacramental duty to stick it out.

Ok, but what the heck does that have to do with the first paragraph? Answer: nothing.

This is all that expensive medical training and practice rearing its head. As a physician, you learned to write things down in chrono-order, starting with "a patient came into a bar" and write down everything the patient mentions. Integrating all the information is the best way to reach a correct diagnosis.


(QueryShark learned about this by reading Dr. Lucy Hornstein's most excellent book Declarations of a Dinosaur)

This is not true for writing novels and, more to the point here, REALLY not true for writing queries.

You already know what's important (the diagnosis) since you wrote the novel. Focus on the key pieces of information that will entice a reader. I don't need to know the patient has hangnails if the problem is a shark bite to the nose.

Before long Kate finds herself clearing away the overflowing ashtrays and empty shot glasses that litter Peter's desk every morning. He refuses to admit that there is a problem but Kate knows better.

Right here is where the story almost starts.

Peter finally concedes that his partners are under investigation for insurance fraud. He worries that his career may be in jeopardy when he is summoned to testify in court. At the same time, Kate discovers a small lump in her breast.

If this is such a small town, how is it she (and everyone else) don't know the partners are under investigation for insurance fraud.

Kate schedules an examination and a mammogram before she shares any of this with Peter; he has enough to contend with. But when her X-ray report is suspicious for cancer, an urgent referral is made for a biopsy. Kate has no choice but to place her care into the hands of Peter's colleagues. This is a small town; no one else can do it.

And she can't drive to Boston?

When Kate's biopsy confirms an aggressive form of cancer, Peter struggles to be supportive even though he is obsessed with the demands of his job and consumed with worry over the conduct of the trial. Instead, despite her objections, two of Kate's new neighbors muscle in with persistence, grace and humor to support and care for her throughout the ordeal.

This isn't important.

However, Kate's recovery from disfiguring cancer surgery is complicated by a nagging intuition that something is wrong. At first, she is elated to learn that her surgery was a success. But elation turns to doubt and doubt, to despair when it dawns on Kate that the surgical findings are inconsistent with her X-ray and biopsy reports. Although she has no proof, she is certain that a mistake was made--a mistake that led to a grave misdiagnosis and to needless surgery.

This is where the important info is, but again, pare it down until you have one sentence: Kate realized the surgical findings are inconsistent with her x-ray and biopsy reports.

With the support of her friends, Kate summons the courage to confront her surgeon, Dr. Berg, about her concerns. When he dismisses her misgivings as groundless she turns, instead, to a former colleague and friend for a second opinion. But before she can see him Kate discovers that her X-rays and pathology reports have vanished. This confirms her growing conviction that she has been the target of a lucrative cover-up that she fears may have taken the life of one of her own young patients months earlier.

Pare down!

Lacking evidence, though, Kate realizes that it is futile to pursue her case against Dr. Berg and his associates and thereby, to clear her husband of complicity. She is about to admit defeat when she learns that a solitary piece of incriminating evidence may be contained inside the tiny locket of a grieving woman hundreds of miles away, if only she can convince the woman to relinquish it.

We don't need to know the entire story. Final clues, solutions, secret info--none are needed. The purpose of a query is to entice me to read the book, and that's IT.

The Bandaged Place, a literary novel, is complete at 75,000 words.

I'll eat my hat and yours too if this is a literary novel. My first choice is women's fiction, but you might actually have a medical thriller on your hands.

I am a retired physician, having practiced family medicine for over thirty years. Readers who wonder about misconduct within the health care system and its devastating impact on patients and providers alike will welcome this book.

I'm sure you hope they will, but honestly, no one reads novels to learn about misconduct in the health care system. That's what the National Enquirer is for. People read novels for entertainment.

And truthfully, a good novel simply can NOT be an accurate presentation on medical misconduct. Life is not a novel.

I hope you will, too.

Thank you for your attention and consideration.




I'm pretty sure the novel is going to need work after reading this. I don't think you've fully recovered from writing like a doctor. I see this with lawyers too.

Really good novels don't have everything on the page. Really good novels are like spiderwebs: the filaments, words, are important but the space they create, the unspoken, is what makes it beautiful.

You must trust your readers to make intuitive jumps with you and to know some of why things happen. They'll be able to do this easily if you write it by SHOWING, not telling.

This is a form rejection.

#155-revised

Dear QueryShark:

Nora was a mother of four desperate to get her children back. In fact, she stole a plane to do it. My completed 91,000 word contemporary women’s fiction explores resilience amidst tragedy.

This doesn't actually say anything, and the word count is just about the last thing you want to put first in a query letter.


A tempestuous, thrill seeker of French Creole descent, Nora Broussard Greenwood finds herself unfilled as a country club wife and follows her dream of learning how to fly. While soaring the skies, she falls in love with her sexy flight instructor. Trapped in a psychologically and physically abusive marriage, she begins a torrid, star crossed affair with her instructor pilot. Producing a love child, Nora seeks an escape to be with her lover.

One of the biggest problems here is what you tell us about Nora doesn't mesh with what she does. If she's a tempestuous thrill seeker, how is she also an unfulfilled country club wife?

If she's trapped in an abusive marriage where does she get the time, money, or permission to begin flying lessons?


In the Catholic, staid and male dominated world of New Orleans, circa 1960, divorce was unthinkable.

And yet, there she is, thinking about it.

Amidst the racial tensions of the Kennedy era, Nora enlists the help of her black maid and confidant, Mabel, and her best friend in the world, Charlene to help plot her getaway.

When you bring up racial tensions of the Kennedy era, and Nora enlisting the help of her black maid in the same damn sentence you lead me to think racial tension is part of this story. Nothing in the rest of the query supports that. Thus, again, what you tell me, and what you show me are two different things.




When she confronts her powerful, wealthy husband with demands for divorce, she is beaten and cast out of her upper class existence.

Why? Why wouldn't he just laugh at her, and let her stew? He's got money, power and the law on his side. You tell us this stuff about characters in the book but it doesn't feel like what people would really do.

Pregnant and homeless, she returns to her roots finding shelter in the bosom of The French Quarter with those she trusts.

So, she was a torch singer before her marriage, and poor? And she risks it all for a fling with a flight instructor? Why the heck doesn't she just shut up, have the baby, and go on with her life?
That's the choice she makes, not all this other stuff you're talking about here.

Nora saves every penny she makes working nights as a torch singer. She resorts to unfathomable defense tactics to wage battle in the divorce, including kidnapping her own children to get them back.

Unfathomable defense tactics doesn't actually convey anything.

Playing her final trump card, she deploys her aviation skills; secretly flying her ex’s private plane to another state. Locking the prized possession in a hangar, she utilizes it as leverage to regain custody of her children.

Ok, I'm sorry, but what the hell? If I was an abusive husband who was "upper class" and my wife stole my airplane, I'd do one thing: call the cops.

There's no sense of the husband here, and it sounds like he's the antagonist. Why the hell would he want her back?

Realizing the effect baby number five is having on her oldest daughter, Nora makes an excruciating, life altering decision in order to do the most loving thing possible; give her love child away to make things right. Skyward Angel is part of a series of novels depicting strong women of the Deep South.

I'm sorry, but this doesn't strike me as a novel about a strong woman at all. She sounds like she made choices she didn't want to live with and tried to get out of it. She doesn't actually fix her life from what you tell us here.
Published in my professional capacity, I have a Master’s degree in nursing. However, my thesis was a full length screenplay with romantic elements about men in nursing.

Your thesis for a masters in Nursing was a screenplay? Really? And it still doesn't have anything to do with writing novels.

I am a member of Romance Writers of America and would adore having your representation.

ummm...ick? Adoration is pretty much the wrong word here.

I would like the opportunity to send you some sample pages and my complete manuscript.


Thank you for your consideration.

This is a form rejection. There's nothing likable about anyone in this novel to me. I don't get a sense of the characters at all, and the plot seems both cliched and made for Lifetime TV.


(name redacted)
Mom of (name redacted)

oh dear godiva. Don't do this. Not now, not ever. This is a business letter. I know you love your child/ren and are proud of them, but honest to godiva this makes you look bouffant batshit nutso. Leave the kids out of the query. That's a rule.




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Dear Query Shark:



To what lengths would a mother resort to get her children back?

One of the cardinal rules of queries is Don't Start with a Rhetorical Question. If you want to break the rules, you have to make it interesting and unusual. This isn't either because the answer is pretty obvious. That makes it a bad start.

Nora stole a plane. Based on a true story, my completed 91,000 word contemporary women’s fiction explores the theme of resilience amidst tragedy .

I don't give a rat's rear end what themes the novel explores. Miss Persnickety, my high school English teacher for all six years I was enrolled in the High School of the Reef pretty much cured me of wanting to discuss themes in novels.

I want to know about the story. As in: What Happens.

And I really don't care if it's based on a true story. If anything that makes me less likely to read on because, zut alors!, most people's lives don't have much of a plot.

Test readers describe Skyward Angel as a page turner they couldn’t put down.

And here's where we're done. Test readers are like bedbugs. If you have them, I don't want to ever know about it.

It doesn't matter who else read or liked this. The only opinion I value at this point is mine.

A tempestuous, thrill seeker of French Creole descent, Nora Broussard Greenwood follows her dream and learns how to fly. While soaring the skies, she falls in love with her sexy flight instructor. Their star crossed affair produces a love child. Trapped in a psychologically and physically abusive marriage, Nora seeks an escape.

This is actually where your story starts.

In the Catholic, staid and male dominated world of New Orleans, circa 1960, divorce was unthinkable. Amidst the racial tensions of the Kennedy era, Nora enlists the help of her black mammy, Mabel, and her best friend in the world, Charlene to help plot her getaway.

I pray you've never actually addressed any woman as "mammy." Even in 1960, the word had fallen out of use.

When she confronts her powerful, wealthy husband with demands for divorce, she is beaten and cast out of her upper class existence. Pregnant and homeless, she finds shelter in the bosom of The French Quarter with those she trusts.


Nora saves every penny she makes working nights as a torch singer. She resorts to unfathomable defense tactics as leverage.

Like what?

Playing her final trump card, she deploys her aviation skills to regain custody of her other four children.

Uh...she's got four children? Oh, I see, the fourth one is the aviation instructors kid. Got it.

To err is human. We all make mistakes.

Well, sure, that's why God invented QueryShark and whiteout, but what the heck does that have to do with explaining what your novel is about?

Nora must conquer convention and confront the most painful decision of her life to do the most loving thing possible; give her love child away to make things right.

Conquer convention? Also you don't confront decisions. You make them. You confront choices or situations.

People across America will fall in love with Nora.

This is the kind of overwrought telling (rather than showing) that makes me wonder if you've actually read any of the previous entries. Don't tell me how (you HOPE) readers will respond.

A poignant tale of love and loss, Skyward Angel is part of a series of novels depicting strong women of the Deep South.
Telling not showing again.

I am published in my professional capacity and have a Master’s degree in nursing. My thesis was a full length screenplay about men in nursing.

This doesn't have anything to do with writing novels.

As I am a member of Romance Writers of America, I would adore having your representation.

When you start a sentence with "as" you imply a connection to the clause that follows. Wanting me as your agent isn't related to membership in RWA.

I would like the opportunity to send you my complete manuscript. Thank you for your consideration.

So, where's the stolen plane? The most interesting part of the query is never mentioned again.
Form rejection.