Dear QueryShark,
Twenty-three-year old Scott Harris is the most wanted man in Orlando. He’s been tearing apart its wealthiest neighborhoods since turning to a reluctant life of burglary, and is about to get pinched by the city’s best detective, Andre Jones. With one last big score, Scott’s going to get out while the getting’s good. He hits the mansion of Mayor Eugene Stone, and uncovers a lethal secret that will hurt many people, including those he cares deeply about.
The mayor’s top priority isn’t budget proposals or city council meetings. Turns out, he’s using his trusted position as cover, quietly plotting in the shadows. He leads a sleeper cell outraged with what’s happening to their country. The group is ready to change things their way – and ain’t nothing in this world solved without violence.
With the heat cranked up, there’s no way Scott’s going to the cops with what he knows. He begins to use his skills as a thief to set up the mayor and crush his plans. Unfortunately for Scott, there’s bad news creeping up: Jones finds out who he is, and what’s worse – so does Mayor Stone. The mayor sets a deadly trap for the little punk, leading to a brutal showdown between Scott, Detective Jones and the sleeper cell. Outnumbered and out of time, there’s only one chance left for Scott to save his life, and hopefully his freedom – or there’s gonna be a whole lot of killing going on.
INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 109,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
By George I think he's got it!
If you'd asked me to bet cold hard cash money on whether this query would ever work, I'd have laid odds it wouldn't. You proved me wrong. Congratulations.
What I like best here is we have a MUCH clearer sense of voice now. Read the first version. Then read this. You'll see.
Now, apply everything you learned here to the novel before you query. It won't do you a bit of good to have a spiffed up query unless the novel is also spiffy.
But, reward yourself before diving into those revisions, you've earned it.
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Dear QueryShark,
Picking locks, bypassing alarms, cracking safes – for Scott Harris, it’s all just part of the day after turning to a reluctant life of crime. No one would ever guess this seemingly wholesome twenty-three-year old is the person tearing apart Orlando’s wealthiest suburbs. If he were to take an aptitude test, the results would come back: disillusioned and destitute. After boosting jewels and C-notes, life is slowly turning the corner…until he slips up. Now Detective Andre Jones, Orlando’s most talented cop, will do anything to pinch the thief that’s been shaking up the city.
It takes a while sometimes to see where the story starts, but I think it starts here:
With one last big score, Scott’s going to get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Eugene Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he finds a deadly secret. The mayor’s top priority isn’t budget proposals or city council meetings. Turns out, he’s using his trusted position as cover, quietly plotting in the shadows. He leads a sleeper cell outraged with what’s happening to their country. The group is ready to change things their way – and ain’t nothing in this world solved without violence.
Scott’s conscious
(this is the wrong word. You mean conscience) washes over him like the pounding surf. With so much heat around, there’s no way he’s going to the police. Before the bloodshed begins, he’ll have to depend on his skills as a thief to set up the mayor and crush his plans.
Unfortunately for Scott, there’s bad news creeping up: Detective Jones finds out who he is, and what’s worse – so has the mayor. Outnumbered and out of time, mistakes aren’t an option. He’s got one chance left to save his freedom, and hopefully his life – or there’s gonna be a whole lot of killing going on.
INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
This is better. Polish it up. Let it sit for a week, and polish it again.
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Dear Query Shark,
Scott Harris, a disillusioned twenty-three-year old down on his luck, turns to a reluctant life of burglary and tears apart Orlando’s wealthiest neighborhoods. Now Detective Andre Jones, the city’s most talented cop, is one step behind his every move.
This is good. It's not the most gripping opening, but it's good enough to keep me reading. Agents don't really keep score cards when reading queries. There are a couple things that will get you an instant rejection (fiction novel) but mostly we read till we know whether we want to read the pages.
Scott’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Eugene Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he
moves gets to the cellar and finds a deadly secret.
With a cop hunting him, Scott knows going to the police isn’t an option. Unwilling to stand by, he decides to sabotage Stone’s plan before the bloodshed begins. Detective Jones discovers Scott’s identity - and what’s worse – so has Mayor Stone. Outnumbered…and out of time, Scott must rely on his wits to secure his freedom, and hopefully his life.
INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
This is much much better than the first versions.
The problem is that it's not compelling. It's not enticing. It's flat. You've set up the scene but there's no juice here, no electricity. It doesn't make the cut on "do I want to read this."
Electricty is found in word choice. Go back and look at the archives. Study the ones that were yes on the first version. Really STUDY the word choices.
Revise.
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Dear Query Shark,
With a cop and a killer gunning for him, Scott is in way over his head. If he plays his cards just right, he could make it out with his freedom - and his life.
oh, you guys love those loglines don't you. Other than no response means no, log lines are the worst thing publishing has imported from the film industry. Honestly I think log lines don't serve a writer well. You have an entire page to work with here, don't try to condense it to a single sentence.
This sentence doesn't actually say anything. It uses metaphors that don't apply to anything in the book (cards), introduces a character not in the query (a killer) and tries to set up tension...there's no tension in flabby sentences.
Start with the name of the main character. Describe what he wants and what's keeping him from getting it.
INVISIBLE EMPIRE concerns Scott Harris
, a young man who turns to a reluctant life of burglary. He slips up one night and now has Detective Jones, Orlando’s most talented cop, hunting him like a hawk.
The pressure is all too much for Scott to handle, so he’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good. He breaks into the home of Mayor Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he moves to the cellar and finds a dangerous secret.
You don't need the first clause. He's got the cops after him; in fact he's got Orlando's most talented cop after him. It's pretty obvious somethings gotta give.
Too scared to go to the police
because of his own criminality, but unwilling to stand by, Scott decides to sabotage Stone’s plan before it’s too late; all while dodging the pursuit of Detective Jones. The Mayor eventually finds out who Scott is, and has every intention of putting an end to the little punk for good, leading to the lives of all three men colliding in a brutal showdown.
I'm not sure criminality is actually word. Even if it is, it's not a good one here. He's scared to go to the police cause the police are after him. That seems obvious. You don't need to state the obvious.
The rest of this paragraph has all the rhythm of an elephant dancing the hokey-pokey. Polish it up.
INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
This is much better than the previous iterations.
You've got the right details in the right place.
Now go back and make sure every single word is right, and the sentences are honed.
This is where you start reading every sentence out loud to see if they sound right.
It takes a while to get it right at this stage. It's like moving day when you've got all the furniture on the truck, then realize all the little stuff still has to be dealt with. That stuff takes just as much time, if not more, than heaving the couch down four flights of stairs.
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Dear Query Shark,
With a cop and a killer gunning for him, Scott is in way over his head(stop)
, but if If he plays his cards just right, he could make it out
with his freedom, and his life.
You really should start here----->INVISIBLE EMPIRE concerns Scott Harris, a young teacher who becomes unemployed after an excruciating motocross injury leaves
him Scott bedridden, impelling his father to take on three jobs to pay the medical bills.
Recovery is slow for Scott after surgery, and pain prevents him from working beyond a few hours at a minimum wage job.
Impelling is an adjective. Impel is a verb. Impelling personality. Something impels him to take on three jobs.
Knowing his father toils all day breaks his heart, and Scott struggles to find a solution to help him. When he overhears his father being threatened with physical harm if a hefty loan isn’t paid back immediately, Scott decides he can’t watch his father suffer any longer, and believes there is only one option left. He will have to become the type of person he despises, and turns to a reluctant life of burglary.
Here's where you lose me. I simply don't buy that a man turns from teaching to burglary. You'd do better to leave out all this set up and simply start with Scott as a burglar.
Scott hits some houses, but also makes a few mistakes. Before long Detective Jones, Orlando’s best investigator, is in hot pursuit. Scott’s pushed his tormented body to the limit while burglarizing, and he begins to take more than his prescribed dosage of OxyContin. This brings forth hallucinations of a demon stalking him, taunting him to abuse the painkiller, and he begins to wonder if his everyday experiences are reality or some type of purgatory. It’s all too much for Scott to handle, so he’s going to make one last big score, then get out while the getting’s good.
Focus on the main plot of the book. Your query is 400+ words right now. Pare it down by focusing only on the events that move the plot forward.
Scott breaks into the home of Mayor Stone, and gets the shock of a lifetime when he finds a deadly secret in the cellar. Stone leads a white supremacist group planning to hunt illegal immigrants and terrorize institutions they deem to be a threat to the white race. Too scared to go to the police because of his own criminality, but unwilling to stand by, Scott decides to clean up his act and try to stop the extremists himself.
Scott manages to destroy part of their remote compound deep within the OcalaMayor Stone finds out who Scott is, and has every intention of putting an end to the little punk for good, leading to the lives of all three men colliding in a brutal showdown.
INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a novel of suspense, complete at 110,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Pare down all the stuff you don't need and then you'll have the bones of the query in place.
The problem with this query though is that I don't see anything compelling. It's all very cliche: white supremacists, lone wolf hero. You can have a structurally sound query (well, you could, once you revise) but the book itself isn't doing much for me here.
If this is your first novel, there's a lot of merit to the advice I hear from established writers: put the first one under the bed, and write the next.
When you do that, try to twist some of the cliches into new forms. Make the white supremacists the good guys. (Now THERE is a challenge!)
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Dear Query Shark,
Scott Harris gets the shock of a lifetime while burglarizing the Mayor’s home when he moves to the cellar and finds a tortured prostitute shackled within a catacomb of horrors, and documents entailing a vicious plot to take over the U.S. government.
And here's where I stop reading. I don't buy the premise of the novel. You get ONE item from the menu: either a tortured prostitute, OR a catacomb of horrors, OR documents entailing a vicious plot to take over the U.S. government but not all three.
INVISIBLE EMPIRE is a psychological thriller concerning Scott, a twenty-four-year old who crashes his motorcycle and becomes injured with a rare and brutal nerve condition. Chronic pain leads him to rely heavily on oxycontin which distorts his mind, bringing forth hallucinations of a demon stalking him, taunting him to abuse the painkiller. He wonders if his every day experiences are reality or some type of purgatory. He becomes bedridden and loses everything, including his girlfriend and job as a fourth grade teacher, impelling his father to take on three jobs to pay his bills.
This is all backstory, and has nothing to do with what you have in the first paragraph.
Scott receives surgery, but recovery is slow, inhibiting him from gaining employment. A massive wave of guilt washes over him knowing his father toils all day. He struggles with how to make money to help his father, and through an oxycontin haze, realizes he will have to become the type of person he despises. Scott develops the skills of a professional thief, and breaks into upscale homes of those who have procured their riches through unlawful ways.
"procured their riches through unlawful ways?" He only robs the home of people most likely to have heavily armed guards and the inclination to kill him if they discover him. That doesn't make sense either. Wouldn't you want to rob the people who don't have alarm systems?
My point is here is that you're making up stuff that defies credulity. Thrillers have to start from a point where the reader thinks "yes, that could happen."
As a result, Scott now has Orlando’s most dogged investigator, Detective Stone, hunting him like a voracious hawk coming in for the kill. This leads to an exhilarating game of wits as Scott continues to steal, barely escaping the relentless pursuit of Stone.
None of this has anything to do with what you said in the first paragraph. Added to the list of things I don't believe: a game of wits with an Oxycontin addict.
Scott meets a young woman and falls in love and begins to question his motivations. He convinces himself to hit one more house for a big score and breaks into the home of Eugene Miller, the Mayor of Orlando. He learns Miller is the leader of a vicious supremacist group bent on overthrowing the U.S. government in a violent uprising, but is discouraged from going to the authorities when he ascertains a few members are local police officers. Scott decides he is the only person that can sabotage their plans and sets out to stop them while simultaneously struggling to elude Stone. Miller discovers Scott’s identity and goes after him with extreme prejudice, leading to a thrilling showdown between all three men.
Finally, some linkage.
But, you forgot the tortured prostitute and the catacomb of horrors. You mention that in the first paragraph, then never again.
Added to the list of things defying credulity: the protagonist deciding he's the only guy to thwart a violent uprising by white supremacists. Honest to godiva, the guy sounds like a nut job at this point.
INVISIBLE EMPIRE blends fast-paced plotting, heart-stopping action and suspense, unpredictable violence and dark humor. It will appeal to the same audience that has made bestsellers of works by Richard Matheson, Cormac McCarthy and Stephen King.
If nothing else, please please please don't compare your books to Stephen King and Cormac McCarthy yourself. Let someone else do it.
And when you tell me your book has fast-paced plotting, heart-stopping action etc, I simply don't believe you. Show me you can write that way in your query, don't tell me.
I obtained my B.S. in Film/Video from (redacted.) I currently teach writing at a public school in (redacted) I have worked in Hollywood on several film projects and hope one day to direct a major motion picture based on my manuscript.
This is NOT a selling point for an author. I want to sign clients who intend to write their fingers to the bone for many many bestselling novels and make me rich and reclusive. Telling me you have another career goal makes it easy to say "not for me." And yes, that's even if I'd liked/loved the book. There are more good books out there than I have slots on my list.
The 127,000 word manuscript is completed and ready to be sent at your request. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Sincerely,
This is a form rejection.
