Holy cannoli!

Hey Helen

...and anyone else using aol.

AOL hates me.
It regularly deletes email from me to you and doesn't even tell you about it.

If you're not getting an acknowledgement for your queryshark email, and you're using aol, dollars to donuts, that's the reason.

And Helen, I've got all three of yours on file.

#221- revised

To _____________, Dear QueryShark:


Vuto is only 17 when her third child dies, mere days after birth.


Malawian tradition prevents men from considering a child their own until it’s lived for two weeks. Frustrated at not being able to speak to her husband, Solomon, about all three of the children she’s had to bury alone, Vuto forces him to acknowledge the dead baby. Her rejection of their culture causes Solomon and the village elders to banish Vuto from the only home she’s ever known. 


Vuto seeks refuge in the hut of U.S. Peace Corps volunteer Samantha Brennan, where Solomon discovers his wife has not left as she was told, leading him to attack both women. Disregarding her oath to remain uninvolved in village politics, Samantha interjects herself into the center of the conflict, defending Vuto and killing Solomon in the process.

This is your story----->The women go on the run from Vuto’s village and the Peace Corps, encountering physical, ethical and cultural struggles along the way.

How far in to the book does this occur? If it's more than 10,000 words, you've got too much set up and backstory.  This 'on the run' journey is the story. And of course, the question is where are they trying to go? 

Focus here, not the reason they're on the run.

Inspired by my experience as a Peace Corps volunteer in Africa, Vuto falls into the women’s fiction category and is complete at 52,000 words.

52K is pretty short for a full novel. 

My self-published book, _____, received the Barnes and Noble Rising Star Award in 2009, placing it in stores on the east coast. My book ______ is being released by _____________ later this year.

Unless your book is a grizzly bear being released into the wild after an unfortunate encounter with beef cattle, it's most likely being published rather than released.  Also, you'll want to mention if that publisher has an option on this next book, and if you sold it without an agent.  

 There's still no sense of the story-what's at stake, and why we should care about the people involved. Real life does not a story make---and it's real hard to tell people that cause everyone thinks their own life is captivating.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely

This is better but it's a form rejection.



--------------------------------

To _______________:  Dear QueryShark:


Vuto loses her third child mere days after birth - and she's only 17 years old.

Unless Vuto left her child on the train, what you mean is the child died. You need to catch our interest here. Use the most powerful word that fits.  Vuto's third child dies mere days after birth.

You mention her age without context. "Only 17" implies she's very young to have three children--but early marriage is more common in the Malawi countryside than here in the US.  Without context, her age doesn't tell us anything other than a number.

The young Malawian woman Vuto forces her husband to acknowledge the baby, despite tradition that prevents men from considering a child their own until they've lived for at least two weeks. Her decision causes rifts in the village and Vuto's newfound feminism is lashed back against. She is banished and must come to terms with herself, her home and her loss.

You're telling us events, not a story. If you want us to care about the characters we have to know more about them than what happens.  Why did Vuto force her husband to do this? What is she trying to accomplish? Why does the village banish her?

"lashed back against" is as awkward as a giraffe on roller skates.

What does she must come to terms with her home mean?  If you have a series, each word has to belong as if the others are not there. She has to come to terms with herself/she has to come to terms with her loss--both those work. Her home doesn't.

Taking solace in the home of a U.S. Peace Corps volunteer, a surprise attack by Vuto's husband leads to murder and an adventure neither the volunteer or Vuto herself had planned for.

Does the Peace Corps worker have a name? Does Vuto's husband? And do you mean "refuge" rather than "solace?" "Solace" implies Vuto finds comfort in this place, which would lead us to think she has some history here, or it has meaning beyond a safe place to be.

Details are what catch our interest. Without details,  this is a report not a story.

At 52,000 words, my book, Vuto, falls into the young adult fiction category and was inspired by an experience I had as a Peace Corps volunteer in Malawi, Africa.

YA is not determined by length. It's determined by voice and content.  I'm not sure this is a YA novel at all. 

My self-published book, (title), received the Barnes and Noble Rising Star Award in 2009, placing it in stores along the east coast. My book (title 2) is being re-released by (publisher) later this year.

Please consider Vuto for publication.

Query letters that ask me to "publish" or "consider for publication" drive me bonkers.  I don't publish books.   Publishers publish books. I'm an agent. I represent authors.  This phrase smacks of carelessness.  Carelessness is a quality I am NOT seeking in new clients. Your query letter tells me about you as a writer, as well as about the book.

#220-revised 1x

 Dear QueryShark:

When dinosaur rocker Doug Flynn croaks on stage at the end of his set, DJ Ronnie Fox is told by KXLA FM to wax poetic on the topic. Ronnie’s played this game before. What goes out over the airwaves sounds so sincere that he is chosen by listener Kellie Coogan. She sees Ronnie as the one person she wants to confide in about what she saw backstage the night Doug Flynn died: someone messing with Doug's personal stash.

I can hear you hitting your head on the desk and saying "but you told me to make the sentences shorter and here you are making them longer! What are you DOING, SharkForBrains?"

My reply is this: that's the first revision. Then you see it's a huge sentence. What ELSE can you take out without ruining the rhythm?

Here's the next revision:

What goes out over the airwaves sounds so sincere that he is chosen by listener Kellie Coogan. She sees Ronnie as the one person she wants to confide in about what she saw backstage the that night Doug Flynn died: someone messing with Doug's personal stash.

Revision is making a change, then making another change, then another. It's hard to see all the words that need to come out on just the first pass.







Ronnie handles what he sees as a potential for trouble in his usual fashion – he hangs up on her. Unfortunately, KXLA’s address can be Googled. Before Ronnie can make a clean getaway, Kellie shows up at the station. It turns out she’s not so bad looking, so Ronnie begrudgingly agrees to help Kellie prove Flynn was snuffed by what he sniffed.



The problem is someone saw Kellie backstage. They know she has something in her purse. In the span of a few short days Ronnie and Kellie will be drugged, mugged, tied, cuffed, stuffed, and boxed. Worst of all, Ronnie will have to spend the night at his parents’ house for the first time in more than a decade.



UNNATURAL ACT is a comic crime novel that comes in at 86,000 words. The book introduces Federal Agents Billy Dobson and Eldon Booth, who dive so deep undercover, they often forget that they are looking for criminals and not really members of a rock band, or Hollywood stuntmen, or pro surfers.



I have worked as a standup comic and as a comedy writer in radio. I am currently the producer of a weekly one-hour talk show on XM Radio that features conversations about aliens, ghosts and other paranormal phenomena.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Much improved.

I'd read pages.

Make SURE you've got your sentences in fighting trim before you send your query out. You don't want to be revising madly when you get requests for pages.

------------------
Dear (Your Name Here) QueryShark


Ronnie Fox hates answering the request line; all he hears from are drunks and late night security guards - and they all want something – free tickets or a few hundred bucks in cold, hard cash. On the night after dinosaur rocker Doug Flynn dies onstage during his comeback tour, Ronnie makes the mistake of feigning reverence and is chosen by listener Kellie Coogan, who was backstage and is certain of foul play.

You've punctuated this first sentence oddly. If you take out the phrase between the dashes the sentence doesn't make sense: "drunks and late night security guards free tickets or a few hundred bucks." A dash is like a parenthetical statement. If you take it out the remaining part of the sentence should stand on its own.

The way your sentences flow is the difference between fluid or clunky writing. Consider this: Ronnie Fox hates answering the request line. All he hears from are drunks and late night security guards. They all want something: free tickets or a few hundred bucks in cold, hard cash.

I really REALLY like the phrase dinosaur rocker. You'll earn extra eyeball time on a query with phrases like that. It gives me hope.

You're trying to get too much information in to that last sentence so it's awkward. Shorter sentences help.

So Ronnie does the adult thing – he hangs up on her. Unfortunately KXLA is listed in the phonebook and before Ronnie can make a clean getaway, Kellie shows up at the station. Reluctantly, Ronnie agrees to help Kellie prove Flynn was murdered, but not before undercover rockers and FBI agents Billy Dobson and Eldon Booth apprehend them, figuring the sack of cash makes them the criminals.

One of my biggest complaints about crime novels with amateur sleuths is the lack of a compelling reason for the sleuth to investigate. "Reluctantly Ronnie agrees" doesn't tell us anything. And you're missing an opportunity here: Ronnie agrees cause Kellie is cute; Ronnie agrees cause Kellie threatens his dog. In other words, the reason he agrees gives us a clue about character.

And then you have a sentence with 34 count 'em 34! words. In other words: a lonnnng ass sentence. There's a place for long ass sentences. Treatises on Faulkner come to mind. Generally they are NOT a good stylistic choice for a 250 word total query letter. Short and sweet is good.

UNNATURAL ACT is a comic crime novel that comes in at 86,000 words and moves at a rapid clip. It is the first of a planned series of books featuring Billy & Eldon, who dive so deep undercover, they often forget that they are looking for criminals and not really members of a rock band, or Hollywood stuntmen, or pro surfers.

Comic? Um. Well, ok, if you say so, but I really hate to see you set yourself up like that. Telling me something is funny (or comic) means I'm always asking "is this funny?"

SHOW me it's comic. Dinosaur rocker is a good start.

Don't tell me it moves at a rapid clip. Anyone who writes 33 word sentences is immediately dis-membered from the Rapid Clip Club.

Just to be cruel, I toted up the word count in your first eight sentences:

33

37

12

21

34

19

42

37

Before you get hot under the collar about this, let me just tell you that I learned about counting words in sentences from a guy who is damn fine writer: T. Jefferson Parker. He's got a couple of Edgar Awards that show I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Jeff Parker once told me that he counted sentences in paragraphs and words in sentences as a way to increase tension. At the climax, the sentences and the paragraphs got shorter; the words fewer. In other words: short crisp sentences are more energetic and keep the reader moving along at that rapid clip you want to claim.

So when you tell me your book moves at a rapid clip, but what I see are looooong sentences, I conclude (perhaps erroneously) that you want your book to move along, but your sentences aren't actually doing the job.  Show me a brisk query; I'll show a book that moves along at a good clip.  SHOW don't TELL.


planned series of books featuring Billy & Eldon

WHOA! Holy CANNOLI!! WAIT. Leave the Cannoli, bring the gun! The protagonists are the FBI guys?

You introduce not one but TWO other characters, neither of whom are the antagonist before you bring on the main guys?

The problem with this is not that you break the rules. I'm happy to have you do that if you can make it work. The problem is we know nothing now about the guys who carry the story. We're all intrigued by Kellie the either hot-maiden or cold-conniver, and Ronnie Fox, depressed DJ, only to find out those aren't the main guys.

You've got to add more information about these good fellas if they're the main guys. 

The author has I have toiled as a standup comic, as a comedy writer in radio and is currently the producer of a one-hour talk show on XM Radio that features conversations about aliens, ghosts and other paranormal phenomena. He keeps his own beliefs close to the vest.

Don't talk about yourself in the third person. The QueryShark finds it annoying.

I don't care what you keep close to your vest. I only care about your book.

Thank you for your consideration. I have enclosed ... (whatever the particular agent has requested per their submission requirements)

I don't have a real sense of this book from the query. It's not enticing cause it's too sprawled out. Four characters, no antagonist, no sense of what's at stake.

I might read pages if you sent them with your query but sadly, if I'm not utterly delighted with a turn of phrase on every one of those pages you send, I'll probably say no with a form rejection.

And those long sentences just fill me with despair.

This is a blisteringly tough category to break into and you've got to be spot-on from the get go.

#219

Dear Query Shark:

My name is  (redacted). I am a junior currently enrolled at (redacted) in (city)  (state.)

I always hate to see a query writer put their age in a query. I particularly hate it when the query writer is young. Nothing good comes of this. Agents aren't looking for "young"; they're looking for good projects. 

Your project needs to stand on its own. And, it's possible if not likely that a good project will be summarily rejected because of your age. There are many published novelists who are young of course. The one I am most familiar with (Kody Keplinger) did not include her age in her query.

I'm almost 100% certain to reject a project if the querier is this young (you're 16 or 17 I assume.)  I don't want to inflict my sharkly self on kids.  I know you don't think of yourself as a kid, but I do.  There's time enough for you to be brutalized by the real world. College for starters.  

So, don't give me the chance to not fall in love with your work by leading with your age.

This applies only to kids who are nearly adults-16 and 17.

If you're under 16, do tell me.  I don't form reject anyone under 16. I reject them, but always with encouragement. 


I have recently completed an 80,000 word novel, Point Blank, an adult, military fictional piece implementing a technique of suspense similarly found in a Michael Crichton thriller, yet also containing a strong moral backbone that deals with racism found between cultures. The story relates greatly to the present political and economic situations in the US, and brings up a possible scenario of what might happen if compromises aren’t reached soon.

This sounds so formal that it's off-putting. And it's not enticing. Start with the name of the main character. Tell me what challenges he faces.

I don't care much about the themes of your novel. I care if it's enticing.

Economic fallout and political turmoil arise in the year 2014 after China refuses to let the US debt ceiling rise any further. War breaks out in 2017, and by 2022, the United States has initiated mandatory drafts for the first time since the Cold War.

Joseph Stephenson, a twenty-three year old American computer specialist, was drafted and has just finished going through training camp. The US has invaded Chinese soil and is pushing an aggressive campaign to cover the entire Chinese nation. In order to see this goal through, a new system of warfare has been initiated by the US government. Soldiers’ kills are tracked and used to create currency-like points.

Start with Joseph Stephenson. He's drafted. He finds himself in a deadly competition for survival.

These points then become the key to survival. A soldier’s supply of food, water, and ammo, even his opportunity to go home, are all dictated by the number of points he has. This system, kept hidden from public eye, has chained soldiers to the battlefield, turning heroes of peace and freedom into mechanized murderers. Now, trapped in the heart of this twisted conflict with no food, no water, and no way home, Joseph Stephenson must fight not only for his next breath, but also because he stands as the only soldier in this corrupt war with the ability to restore justice to the collapsing system he is shackled to.

You're missing a key point here: what is Joseph Stephenson's ability, and why is he blocked from using it?

I recently submitted a modified and shortened chapter of Point Blank to a local literary festival competition and won. This piece can be provided upon your request. I am also able to provide my complete manuscript and a synopsis if you would like.

Send what the agent asks for in the submission guidelines.

I read that you are looking for a good, well written commercial fiction thriller, filled with a dexterity of voice and a powerful narrative push, and my story, through its reinvention of the typical war story formula, mastery over tone and voice, deep connection to modern day politics, and revival of the moral questioning of war, fulfills your requests, so I hope it is a good match for you.


Don't tell me why I'm going to like your novel; show me. That means tell me about the book in a way that makes me want to read it. When you urge your friends to read a book you've loved you don't ever say "it's a good, well written commercial fiction thriller filled with dexterity of voice and a powerful narrative push with master of tone and voice...etc."  A query letter must be enticing, not a analysis of the prose.

Thank you for your time. I hope very much to work with you and look forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully yours,

This query doesn't have much verve to it. You're trying to hard to be formal and businesslike. Cut loose. Give us something to chew on.

Revise. Resend.

#218

Dear Query Shark,

What would happen if you and your child had a train set that could magically shrink you down to size?

You will be killed and eaten by the QueryBunny if you open your query with a rhetorical question. There's nothing like a rhetorical question to make the QueryBunny reach for the picnic hamper.

The QueryBunny and her picnic hamper filled with Hapless Writer Salads.

In our picture book, THE MAGIC TRAIN, Jorgen and his donut-loving daddy shrink to become the engineer and brakeman of the Magic Train. They zoom, clank, puff, and roar upstairs, downstairs, through all the bedrooms, and even into the garage. They encounter sleeping dolls, an erupting volcano, delicious crumbs in the kitchen, and a problem that can only be solved with a chocolate donut.

This is one of the best paragraphs I've seen about a picture book. I love the energetic words: Zoom! Clank! Puff! Roar! (it sounds like morning coffee at the Reef) I love the humor.

THE MAGIC TRAIN is a 620 words picture book that is a joy to read aloud to a train-loving 3-7 year old.


You''ve shown me that.  You don't need to tell me again.

We have included in this email the manuscript** and a picture book dummy featuring page layout and illustrations by Illustrious Illustrator. II's artwork has been published in  This place and That place Magazines. He held a children’s book design fellowship at Publisher. Illustrious illustrator also worked as an assistant to Uber-Illustrator the award-winning illustrator of Fabulous Book.




We believe that the unique voice and distinctive illustration style of this book would be a good fit for the Query Shark Literary Agency. THE MAGIC TRAIN will appeal to parents and children who also enjoy Dinosaur Train, Shark vs. Train and other books inspired by playtime make-believe worlds.

I assume that if you query me, you think we're a good fit. You don't need to tell me again. 

Although we hope you would consider our text and illustrations as a package, we understand and respect your preference to select illustrations. We are willing to have the manuscript and artwork considered separately.


We are submitting the manuscript and illustrated dummy to multiple publishers and agents simultaneously.

NO! NO! NO!   Do not submit to publishers while you submit to agents.  This handicaps your future agent in ways you do not want to imagine.  If a publisher turns you down pre-agent-snag, it's hard for the agent to go back and say "yanno, you made a terrible mistake saying no to this."  Query agents first.

Thank you for your consideration,

**Notice that ALL the text of the book is included in the query.  That's the right thing to do. 

This is an excellent example of a query for a picture book. 

Polish it up, and you're good to go.

Update on #192

Here's the announcement in Publisher's Lunch:

Josin McQuein's PREMEDITATED, about the lengths one girl will go in order to get revenge on the boy who ruined her cousin's life, to Krista Vitola at Delacorte, at auction, for publication in Fall 2013, by Suzie Townsend at Nancy Coffey Literary & Media Representation.

And here's the blog post by Josin.

Yea baby!

And here is how QueryShark feels about this:

A question

QS - A question: Sometimes I see errors in punctuation or grammar, or awkward sentences that could easily be remedied. Are these issues you expect the author to figure out on their own, would you expect them to have someone proof it before sending it in, or would you overlook errors if the query was otherwise compelling? 

The answer is yes and no. How's that for clarity!

When I chomp on queries here, I can't point out every single mistake on the first bite or it would be overwhelming for both the writer and the Shark.

I do expect the writers to be able to identify and fix errors in punctuation or grammar.  I expect them to develop an ear for awkward sentences.  I think each writer has to be able to do this without help (for the most part.)

That said, it's always a good idea to have a proofreader.  

If we're talking actual queries I don't overlook those mistakes AT ALL. They are HUGE red flags for the project being queried.  If you make mistakes in your query you'll make mistakes in your novel.  I can't submit an error-ridden novel to an editor. Well, I could but I flat out refuse to do so.  My clients understand this and turn in manuscripts that may need revision and editing but generally have all the spelling and grammar correct.

For entries to QueryShark, you really REALLY want to have it as perfect as possible.  I don't want to waste your time (or mine) telling you the difference between rain and reign. 

#217-Revised 2x to a win!

Dear QueryShark,

Andromeda Jaunsten isn't a very good alien. She can’t read minds like the rest of her class. She can't turn invisible or move things with pure willpower. She can’t even levitate, which is supposed to be downright easy.

About to be expelled and desperate to stay, she turns to performance-enhancing drugs. It's stupid and illegal, but it works. In fact, it works too well. She can suddenly see the most well hidden secrets, and it's not nearly as amusing as it sounds.

Her teacher Dr Ister has been searching the Academy for the missing princess of Narulon, and it's not for purely patriotic reasons. Now he thinks he's found her in Andromeda's roommate Grace Robin.

Andromeda tells anyone and everyone who might listen, and the next thing she knows she's locked in a bathroom and nearly burned to death. It's part warning, part proof that she's right. If only someone would believe her.

When Ister gets hold of Grace, no one is willing to help. If Grace dies, the future of Narulon dies with her, and Andromeda is certainly not living the rest of her life with that on her conscience. Of course, the rest of her life might not be very long once she confronts Ister.

STARS is my debut. It is a 95,000 words YA novel. I have included (whatever the agent's website asks for) below.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Yes! You've nailed it. 

Now, what to do when you "win" QueryShark?

Make sure your novel reflects what you've done here: get the choices Andromeda makes on the page pretty early. In this case it sounds like using drugs to become a better alien.  We don't need a lot of backstory about how she got to the school or that she's a bad alien. Get us to that fork in the road as soon as you can without rushing the pace.

I love the voice here too: bright and insouciant.  

Congratulations on these revisions. They're terrific!

----------
Dear QueryShark,


Andromeda Jaunsten isn't a very good alien. She can’t read minds like the rest of her class. She can't turn invisible or move things with pure willpower. She can’t even levitate, which is supposed to be downright easy. All she's ever been able to do is sense the emotions of those around her, and that's only good for finding out just how close she is to being expelled.


This is pretty good for setting the scene. I'm interested to find out what happens next.


Not only is she lacking an actual talent, she's lacking the most distinguishing part of her species: the small star-shaped tattoo given to all unwanted children of Narulon before they're shipped off to Earth to be raised by humans. No one knows why, but it soon cements everyone's conviction that she doesn't belong at the Academy.


And this doesn't tell me what happens next. It's more set up. It's more alien out of water stuff.


As she's inexplicably given more and more time to prove herself, the irritation around her mounts. Her roommate can't wait to have their room to herself, her best friend's new girlfriend is eager to get rid of the competition and Andromeda's least favorite teacher, Ister, is taking every chance he can get to furiously search her mind like there's no tomorrow. She even finds him lurking outside her bedroom at night, hoping to catch a glimpse of her vulnerable sleeping mind.


Ok, but this is just more of the same. It's set up. You can encapsulate ALL of this into "and everyone else is just waiting for the day she gets booted out too."


Right now there are no stakes. She's an alien, and not a good one. She's going to get expelled. So what? 

You've really got to get to the so what part of the equation in the first line of the second paragraph.


When she's locked in a bathroom and nearly burned to death, she knows it wasn't an accident, and she has an obvious suspect in mind. While everyone else is overwhelmed with shock, Ister feels guilty… and angry. Andromeda just can't understand why he would want to kill her, unless it has something to do with what he found in her memories. If she learns to read his mind, while protecting her own, she might just find out where she really comes from. But then again, would Ister allow her close enough to try, without a second attempt at her life?

STARS is my debut. It is a 95,000 words YA novel.


Thank you for your time and consideration

You seem to have lost about 30,000 words between version 1 and version 2. That's probably a good thing but you still don't have the essence of a plot here: what choice does Andromdeda face? People want her dead. Ok, a lot of people wouldn't mind blowing up the QueryShark with verbal TNT. So what? 

Unless I must choose between A. posting here and annoying the murderously inclined to further attempts or B. quitting the blogging business, there are NO stakes.  You need to show me Andromeda's choices.   It also helps if the both choices  comes with some horrible consequences: I quit blogging and will fall into despair at the deluge of bad queries; I don't quit blogging and not only am I murdered in my kelp bed, I'm eaten for lunch as shark fin soup.

See the difference?  The fact that people want to kill Andromeda isn't a plot. The fact that she doesn't know where she comes from isn't a plot.  What's at stake if she finds out she's really from Betelgeuse not Narulon?  If she learns to read his mindif she learns to read his mind she'll turn into a toad, does she choose to do that? The choices she must make are the plot.

When you can answer the question what choice must she make and what are the terrible consequences of them, then you revise and resend the query.

------------

Dear QueryShark:

Andromeda Jaunsten doesn't know what to expect from the Academy. She doesn't know her roommate will hate her, her best friend will fall for a girl she can't stand, her teachers will be able to -literally- see right through her, or that her future will hold at least three near-death experiences (only one of which is an accident). She just found out she's an alien, and apparently, she's not the only one.

The most interesting sentence in the paragraph is the last one; you've buried it under a list of things that aren't very interesting (because we don't have the context of the last sentence.)

The problem is, she's not a good enough alien.

Aha! Here's the sentence that helps us figure out context. If start with something like Andromeda Jaunsten is not a good enough alien and ditch the list and get on with the problem, you're better off.  (it's also a bit clunky: Andromeda Jaunsten isn't a very good alien sounds better.  Developing an ear for rhythm is REALLY important.)

She can’t read minds like the rest of her class. She can’t turn invisible or move things with pure will power. She can’t even levitate, which is supposed to be downright easy. All she’s ever been able to do is sense the emotions of those around her, and that's not impressing anyone.



Andromeda soon faces expulsion, and if she doesn't drastically improve in the mind-reading department, she will be sent home without friends, without a proper education and without the chance to find out who is trying to kill her roommate Grace Robin (with such bad aim she's caught in the cross-fire, nonetheless).

And then you trail off here into nothingness. Expulsion isn't very high stakes. Finding out who wants to kill her roommate is better, but still not very much.

Your plot needs some work here. Also, who's the antagonist?

STARS is my debut. It is a 124,000 words YA novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Right now you don't have enough to entice me to read pages. You're on the right track but you need more plot. This feels very thin for 124K novel. 

Just a reminder

I saw this tweet this morning: "Dear God, Please don't ever let me click a link from Query Shark and find my query letter there. Amen."

I immediately replied, and I'm posting this here, to remind everyone that QueryShark is entirely voluntary. Every letter here was sent to the QueryShark, not to my incoming queries at the agency.

I do not ever post letters without the author's permission.

I take this pretty seriously because I value the trust you show by letting me critique your work publically to help not just you but LOTS of other writers.

I take it so seriously that even if someone jokes around about finding themselves on QueryShark, I don't treat it as a joke.

And if I ever make a mistake (and I can't see how it could happen...but it never hurts to be prepared) I have one last failsafe mechanism in place: when I post the query, I also send the link to the author as it goes up.

So, back to our regularly scheduled gnawing.

#214

Dear Query Shark,

UNIQUE DOMESTIC OPPORTUNITY

Wanted: Temporary housing for 6 year old female

Non-negotiable-Parents must maintain a reasonable distance from adolescent. Foster siblings must be willing to undergo counseling. All exchanges between occupants must be formal and diplomatic. The home dwelling needs to have ample technological devices. (Here's where I'd stop reading and send a form rejection)  Weekly allowance will not cover all extra-curricular activities. Family members should have a clear understanding of the phrases “doesn’t adjust well to new settings” and “loved ones should keep an open mind”. Applicants must become members of the Aspie cult also known as, Family Members of Children with Asperger’s Syndrome.

There are several problems:

1. This is a gimmick. As soon as I see something like this it says you're using a gimmick rather than voice to entice me to read on. That is not what you want in a query.

2. The opening line says the kid sister needs to go, but the next paragraph makes it sound like the brother is the one moving "foster siblings etc."  So not only is this a gimmick, it's a confusing gimmick. Very not good.

3.  It's not actually funny.  Now, humor is more subjective than love so you may think it's funny, but to me it's just confusing, and one thing  you have to have with humor: your audience needs to get the joke. 

Will make exchange for older sibling with driver’s permit or potty trained animal. Female comes with complete medical history and list of medications. All vaccines (vaccines are what the inoculation is made of; you mean vaccinations) up to date. Bonus inclusion, exchangee’s ability to retain useless facts.

Again, I'm still confused about who's coming and who's going.

* *

This temporary arrangement is being made for the preservation of exchangee’s older brother. He wishes to continue his meager existence without interference. Female need only be cared for during the next 8 years, at which point brother, James will leave parental home and younger sister (said female) may return. All interested applicants must call home phone @ #440-555-0218, as advertiser does not have his own cell phone or email.


Ok, now it's clear but it's late in the game. You don't have this much time to get an agent's attention. If I'm confused in the first paragraph, I've moved on right then. 



NOT QUITE NORMAL is a light-hearted middle grade contemporary novel about an eleven year old boy who struggles with his place in society. When his autistic sister is mainstreamed into his school, James' delicate balancing act is thrown off the high wire. He must now face the relentless twin bullies at Harwood Elementary with an additional handicap (literally).

This doesn't sound light hearted at all, which is why you want to avoid describing your novel in a query letter.  Let ME figure out the right adjective to apply.  And who exactly is going to read this?

Middle grade novels are for kids in elementary school.  They aren't struggling to find their place in society; they're trying to live through third grade.  They're reading things like Jacob Wonderbar and the Space Kapow; Zachary Ruthless; and, Vordak T. Incomprehensible. 



Word count of 29,000. This is my first novel.

You're focused on the wrong thing here. Tell us what happens in the book, not the premise for it. Show me it's lighthearted, don't tell me.

Thank You for your time and consideration,

#213

Dear Query Shark

Amy’s a problematic drinker brooding over a fantasy world and her dead mother. Carrie’s overly uptight and spurns Dean’s hopeless advances. Mitch and Renee are deeply in love, but it’s all in jeopardy.

Egad. Five characters in four sentences and 33 words!  This is textbook "character soup."  Don't do it. The reason you don't want to do this is I don't know where to look or what to remember. It's akin to being introduced to five people in rapid succession, by first names only, at a job interview. Who's important?  Who's the intern and who's the guy actually deciding whether you get the job?

The first paragraph needs to be enticing, not the cast of characters.

Suddenly these problems get even more complex, especially considering they’ve tripped into Amy’s fantasy: Ezrantia. Revelations about her mother send Amy into an alcohol fueled downward spiral. Carrie obsesses over home. Dean is heartbroken. Mitch and Renee run from their fears and into a desert.
Oh, and Ezrantia is crumbling worse than a stale loaf of bread for the pigeons.

I'm absolutely and completely lost right now. This is a very bad thing in a query.

And then there's that stupid prophecy. Those things always make life a living hell.



These five teens and their new friends aren’t ready, mentally or physically, for an oncoming battle with a creeping shadow. Despite friendships, politics, magic, a fortuneteller, faeries and alcohol, they all must prepare. But it’s not easy putting emotions aside, especially those concerning your closest friends.

This is set up. What's the actual problem? Who are the antagonists? What's at stake? 

You're burying the place that the story starts: the oncoming battle. Everything else you've got here is set up or description. What's the plot?

All their new magic seems meaningless in the face of this beastly shadow because they can’t run from their problems forever. Sometimes they chase after you.


PAPER CROWNS, complete at 69,000 words, is a different type of YA fantasy. I’m an avid reader sick of vampires, elves and dragons. Instead I tossed talking animals, booze and bad attitude into the frying pan and am serving up something new.

"sick of vampires, elves and dragons"  I'm sure you are. But your query isn't the place to reveal that. Chances are the agent you're querying is making some pretty nice coin off those books.  While we're all looking for fresh and new, we don't have to trash the stuff that made us money last year.

Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward to any input and possibly working with you in the future.

Simple and elegant is really hard to do. All the reviews of the new Steve Jobs biography mention his insistence on clean, simple and intuitive. Query letters are like that too: simply tell us who the main character is, what problem s/he faces, and what's at stake. It's harder than it sounds, of course, but you've still got to do it.

If you have an ensemble cast, you'd have done well to pay attention to QueryShark #199.

#212-Revised-FTW

Dear QueryShark:

Felix Ramos had always dreamt of working in space, but a journalism degree does not an astronaut make. Given an unlikely opportunity to fulfill his childhood fantasies, he leaps at it, unknowingly launching himself into a place balanced precariously between tedium and terror.

As a human kill switch in an artificial intelligence-managed resource exploration station on one of Saturn’s moons, he finds that ticking boxes and pushing buttons is awful, even when it’s done where no man has gone before. His counterpart and confidant, Cara Moretti, occupies another facility, where she discovered this unpleasantness months ago. Their days are rigidly structured by their employer, the Koyamatsu Interplanetary Development Concern.

And then the Russians invade—or at least Felix swears so, pushed into paranoia as unidentifiable lights and figures flicker on the horizon. These are the opening shots in the campaign of a group of militant conservationists who wish to stop private development in space; Felix soon finds himself the target of cajoling, gaslighting, and bribery for access to his station’s AI core. Deluded into imagining himself as a highly-paid double agent, he begins to make noticeable mistakes.

Cara, meanwhile, discovers that her company hasn’t budgeted for bringing both of its employees home. She’s been cleared to go, but her new friend has not. If she keeps her mouth shut, she knows she’ll see Earth again, but her conscience screams for her to risk abandonment to save his life. Her predicament could become moot, though: Felix has triggered a surprise visit from Koyamatsu, which threatens to aggressively smooth any embarrassing wrinkles in the operation.

Different Atmospheres DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERES is a speculative fiction novel complete at 72,000 words.

Book titles are in caps.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is a stunning turnaround. You've gone from "this is a mess" to "I'd read pages" in ONE revision.

------------------------------
When two deep space researchers are set up to fail by a ruthless employer on an inhospitable moon, they must decide whether to resign their lives to inertia or fight for uncertain freedom.

This is a log line. Avoid them.

Think about it: it's a false choice. If they resign their lives to inertia, there's no story.

And worse, this kind of log line doesn't entice me to read on. Again, the goal of a query letter is to entice the reader to want more.

Log lines are imported from Hollywood, and they have NO place in query letters. I don't care what any one else says, even normally smart agents. I'm right and they're not. Log lines are of the Devil. Shun them.

Different Atmospheres is 72,000 words of speculative fiction set on Titan, a moon of Saturn covered in hydrocarbon oceans and methane glaciers.

Felix Ramos, young, inexperienced, and idealistic, operates Ontario Station in the southern hemisphere. Cara Moretti, wise, professional, and sick with wasted potential, occupies Kivu Station to the north. As the sole inhabitants of their semi-automated research facilities, the two are dependent on each other for the real-time communication and commiseration that bat back the boredom and depression of isolation.

This is all set up. Unless you're querying a child of six with no background in the science fiction genre either in books or movies, you don't need all the set up. Saturn's moon is enough. We know it's cold. We know it's isolated. (There are days I'd pay good money to work there)

And then the Russians invade--or at least Felix swears so, pushed into paranoia as his station’s computer mysteriously malfunctions. Cara, meanwhile, discovers that her employer hasn’t accounted for bringing both of its researchers back home, which becomes the least of her concerns as a shadowy group of conservationist saboteurs struggles to gain control of the moon.

He's going nuts...and? She finds out it's a one way ticket ...and?  You need the choices and what's at stake for us to care about their situation.

And "shadowy group of conservationist saboteurs" is as one-dimensional description of a villain as I've seen in a while. It's actually a reason I'd reject this even if the writing was any good. Boring villains make boring books.

Thanks for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. No, you probably don't.

This is a mess. Start over. Focus on ACTION not description. Tell us what's at stake and what choices the main characters have to make. Give us a compelling INTERESTING villain.

#211-Revised 7x-for the win!

Dear QueryShark:

Randi needs rock and roll to fuel her rise from the ashes of the past year. She's back on stage fronting her old band, RAPTOR SNATCH, and nothing is going to stand in her way! Certainly not the jealous rival band, Slutmaster - inaccurately named, and hell bent on stealing her place in the spotlight.


They linger at Randi's band's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They cancel her gigs, and accuse her band members of theft. Their weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player.


But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.

Can Randi hold her band – and herself -- together long enough to hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?


RAPTOR SNATCH is an 83,000 word Ccommercial Ffiction.



I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synaesthesia – which isn't an issue until someone plays a wrong note, which makes me want to squirm inside out. It makes for a good live show.


Thanks for your time and consideration.

This query does what it needs to do: entices me to read pages. 

If you look at the first version, it's 265 words. This version is 233.  It was pared down, yes, but the words themselves changed. We lost some great phrases (murder your darlings!) and started in a new place, so this was mostly honing in on specifics and what's important. The right words in the right order.

The trick is not to be able to write this finished query on the first try.  The trick is revise enough to get to this finished query.  Revising is where the writing comes in.


----------------------------
Dear QueryShark:


Randi needs this musical comeback for more than just professional reasons. Eleven months ago her mentor (who was more like her father) was the victim of a savage random attack. The permanent brain damage he sustained has guaranteed that their relationship will never be the same.

If we start here in the second paragraph we get past all those false starts with "why" and get to "what happens" which is probably a better place to start.

Randi needs rock and roll to fuel her rise from the ashes of the past year. She's finally decided to get busy living, and nNothing is going to stand in her way. Certainly not a thejealous rival band hell bent on stealing her place in the spotlight!

Oh the difference an article makes! A means there are perhaps many. The means there is but one. The also draws our attention: this is the one, pay attention.  I'm not kidding when I tell you that fiercely talented writers obsess over single words. We've had fistfights over words. If you think sharks can't have fistfights, you'd be mistaken.


They linger at Randi's band, RAPTOR SNATCH's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They cancel her gigs, and accuse her band members of theft. Their weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player.

Getting the name of that band in there is tricky. You need it, but it makes the sentence awkward.  I'd suggest you find a way to put it in the preceding paragraph.  You can even give a subtle hint about the crazy name with something like: Nothing is going to stand in her way: not the crazy band name she can't get them to change; certainly not the (not a) jealous ....etc.


But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.

Can Randi hold her band – and herself -- together long enough to hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?




RAPTOR SNATCH, commercial fiction, is complete at 83,000 words.

I always think "it better be complete if you're sending queries" thus you don't need to tell me it is. 


I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which isn't an issue until someone plays a wrong note, which me want to squirm inside out. It makes for a good live show.

Do not touch that last paragraph. It's perfect. 

Thanks for your time and consideration.

You're almost there. Now...is your novel ready? Have you applied all this hard won improvement to the novel itself?  It does you no good to have an enticing query if your novel is still last year's writing.

 

--------------

Dear QueryShark:

Randi needs this musical comeback for more than just professional reasons. Eleven months ago her mentor was the victim of a savage random attack. Randi needs rock and roll to fuel her rise from the ashes of the past year.

Let's get some connective tissue here between her mentor's savage random attack and her ashes.  Why would a senseless random street crime lay her low?


She's finally decided to get busy living, and nothing is going to stand in her way. Certainly not a jealous rival band hell bent on stealing her place in the spotlight!

They linger at Randi's band's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They cancel her gigs, and accuse her  Raptor Snatch band members of theft. Their weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player.

Make sure your reader knows that Raptor Snatch is the name of the band or the title doesn't make sense.

But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.


Can Randi hold her band – and herself together long enough to hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?


RAPTOR SNATCH: commercial fiction, is complete at 83,000 words.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which isn't an issue until someone plays a wrong note, which shorts out my nervous system and brings on contortions resembling the Tarantella.

Umm...that just sounds weird.  Let's get another result here.

This is MUCH better.


--------------
Dear QueryShark:

Randi hopes rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' will cure her depression. Music is more than just a job for Randi – it's the fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing! Well, a jealous rival band is certainly going to try.

There's a disconnect between the last two sentences. "Nothing!" is in Randi's POV. The last sentence isn't.  Can you see it?  This is where you're looking at every single word in a query. Simply by changing "Well, a" to "Certainly not" you keep the same viewpoint. And it flows more smoothly:

Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing! Certainly not a jealous rival band bent on (whatever they are bent on)

See the difference?


They may call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but their combined sexual conquests combined don't equal a trip to third base. What they lack in sexual – and musical -- prowess, they make up for in sabotage.

This is what I mean by polishing.

Slutmaster linger at Raptor Snatch's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They fraudulently cancel some of Raptor Snatch's gigs. They give anonymous tips to night club security accusing Randi's band members of theft. Slutmaster's weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player. But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.

Musically, Raptor Snatch have never been better; they have a real shot at getting signed. But as irritation soars beyond Mariah Carey's vocal range, band members are threatening to quit.  Randi's band is her refuge from the pain in her heart. Slutmaster is being a pain in her ass. It's battle of the bands; off stage edition. 

This says what the preceding paragraph does, only not as well. Ditch it.


Can Randi hold her band – and herself together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?


RAPTOR SNATCH is complete at 81,000 words.


I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

You've got an opportunity here for a really good closing phrase...something that combines music and color. It can't be over the top, but it's got to be more enticing than hoary old "interesting."

Thanks for your time and consideration.

This is much better.  You need to polish it though, and the best way I know to do that is to say the words aloud. If they sound clunky, if it doesn't flow, change it. At this point you're going to be taking out or moving words, or changing syllables.

And I really want you to remember that everything you work on in the query is stuff you MUST also do for the novel. Yes, you're saying the sentences of the query aloud. YES you're saying the sentences in the novel aloud. Maybe not every single one, but at this point, probably a lot of them.

It won't do you any good to have a polished query and a clunky novel.

-------------------------
Dear QueryShark

Randi is ready to rock. Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. spent in seclusion. She's still emotionally raw from her mentor's accident, but Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing!

Why she is depressed is less important than the fact she is. Cutting away more and more of the extra stuff will give you cleaner, leaner prose.  It also gets you to the last sentence on the up-beat. That's what you want, because that last part of the paragraph is what gets you to the next paragraph. It's like running an obstacle course. You need to hit a jumping off point with enough speed to leap up and  catch the rope to climb up the wall.


Well, a jealous rival band is certainly going to try. They call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but the three members' their sexual conquests combined don't equal a trip to third base. What they lack in sexual – and musical -- prowess, they make up for in sabotage.


From Calling and canceling Raptor Snatch's gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, Slutmaster's weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her lead guitar player.


Her band is supposed to be a refuge from the pain in her heart. Slutmaster is being a pain in her ass. Can Randi hold her band – and herself-- together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?





'Raptor Snatch,' RAPTOR SNATCH a contemporary fiction, is complete at 81,000 words.

Cap titles of books. "a contemporary fiction" isn't what this is.  It's a novel.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting

You've got the pieces in place. We're down to testing each individual word and phrase.  You want elegant and lean prose here.  I've made some suggestions, but this is where the critical element is time. Let this sit for a day or two (at least--a week would be better.)  Then come back to it.  You'll be surprised what you see that you want to change.

This is the part that all too many queriers leave out of the process.  In their hurry to get started they let an almost-good query out the door.  Almost good won't cut it.

Wait

Review.

Polish.

Resend.

Minimum time to elapse: one week.

-------------------
Dear QueryShark:

Randi is ready to reclaim her life as an up and coming rock star, after an eleven month hiatus spent wallowing in seclusion. Still raw from the savage beating her mentor received and its long term effects on them both, she comes up with a plan so cunning you could stick fur on it and call it a weasel.

This is a really bland start. There's no zip, no enticement.  Also using "raw" to describe Randi is a mistake since the beating injured someone else.  She may be emotionally raw but another word would be less confusing.

The comments column mentioned that "stick fur on it and call it a weasel" is derivative. I wouldn't worry about it. It's a funny line. However, you never mention what the plan is, and since that's the PLOT or WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR NOVEL that's a pretty glaring oversight.

Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months.

Unless you mean rejoining the band is her cunning plan? Cause...that's not cunning.

Cue the jealous band who call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but the three members' sexual conquests combined don't equal a trip to third base. They think they are Raptor Snatch's rivals, and will stab them in the fronts every chance they get.


From calling and canceling their gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, it's getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy jerk of a lead guitar player.

This sentence is as awkward as I've seen.  You're trying to do too much in one sentence. Have I not been hitting you over the head about the correct order for sentences (subject/verb/object) for 212 queries now?

It's hard to tell what "it's" is the pronoun for.  What is it? Upon reflection it is the pranks pulled by Raptor Snatch's rivals, BUT you never actually mention that. Instead it's hidden in "stab them in the fronts every chance they get."  Which may be a great line, but doesn't actually make any sense.

I have the feeling you're trying to incorporate all the opinions you're getting in the comment column. Do NOT do that.  You can not crowdsource a query or you will end up with a query that walks like a duck, spins like a puck, steals your luck and earns your query a brisk WTF.  You're losing your distinct voice here as you try to spackle and glue all the suggestions in here.

Irritation is a stinky perfume, especially when she wanted Distraction. Can Randi hold her band – and herself together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock phoenix's dream go up in flames?

I'm sorry but WTF?

'Raptor Snatch,' is complete at 81,000 words. This book will appeal to readers who enjoyed Jody Gehrman's 'Summer in the land of skin;' (published 2004)  Erica Orloff's 'Diary of a blues goddess;' (amazon ranking 2.4 million/pubbed before 2003) and Carl Hiaasen's 'Star Island.'

Don't use comp titles that are old. If I sold this book tomorrow it would be published in 2013 (nine/ten years AFTER those first two books)  

Don't use comp titles that aren't selling well.  2.4 million sales ranking means it probably sold ten copies last year, maybe.

Also, I think using Carl Hiaasen or any other utterly distinctive writer sets up unrealistic expectations. I loved Carl Hiaasen for a good long time, and if you tell me I'm going to see something akin to his work here, and I don't, that's a failure of expectation you don't need.

In other words, comp titles can really hurt you. It's ok to leave them out rather than use ones that don't actually help your cause.  

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

This is still the best paragraph of the query. You'll notice all the sentences are in the right order, you're not trying to be clever, you're just being your own clever self.  More of this.


My name is (redacted), and I can be reached at either this email, or by home phone, (redacted)

Don't do this. It sounds like one of those wretched campaign ads "My name is Grover Cleveland and I approved this ad"  Just sign your name and your contact info at the bottom of the email.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Name

Email

Phone

Etceteras

Quit reading the comments. Start over with the query. Be brave enough to be plain.

------------------------------
Dear QueryShark:

Randi is ready to reclaim her life as an up and coming rock star, after an eleven month hiatus spent wallowing in seclusion. Still raw from her mentor's savage beating

(the way you have this phrased, it sounds like Randi was beaten up by her mentor)

and its long term effects on them both, she comes up with a plan so cunning you could stick fur on it and call it a weasel.

For this line alone, I'd read the book.

Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. Cue jealous band, 'Slutmaster,' whose three members' sexual conquests added up combined wouldn't equal a trip to third base. Backstabbing – and playing their instruments – is too complex for them; they prefer to stab Raptor Snatch in the fronts every chance they get. (the line from the first iteration is better) From calling and canceling their gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, it's irritating but mostly harmless, except for the vicious emotional attack on Randi at a gig one night. Kelvin, her lead guitar player, (and former enemy) jumps to her defense. He also confesses a long time attraction to her, and Randi realizes that hating him has been an empty habit. They begin a relationship which gives Randi the emotional boost she needs to accept life as it is now – perfect in its imperfection – and lead her band in a scorching performance which lands them a record deal.

'Raptor Snatch,' is complete at 78,000 words. This book will appeal to readers who enjoyed Jody Gehrman's 'Summer in the land of skin;' Erica Orloff's 'Diary of a blues goddess;' and Carl Hiaasen's 'Star Island.'



I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

There's no doubt in my mind you are a writer with extraordinary talent. None. What you lack here is  polish. You'll benefit from saying the query out loud to get the rhythm right; as a musician you'll hear when things go clunk, or are off beat in a bad rather than interesting way.

You're also telling a lot of the story; almost all of it in fact. The purpose of a query letter is to ENTICE SOMEONE to read the book, not tell them the entire story.

Give me just enough to make me beg to read more.

Revise. Polish. Resend.

And for godiva's sake, please make sure you don't send another Big Bloc O'Text. It makes your email almost impossible to read. Do NOT Shoot Yourself In the Stax By Doing This.

---------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Having once led the wild life of a rock-star, Randi embraced seclusion after her mentor underwent a savage beating which left him mentally handicapped.

This sentence is a perfect example of why I yammer (endlessly!!) about starting with the name of the main character.  When you do that, you'll naturally also get rid of the clause and thus have a stronger opening.

To wit: Randi embraced seclusion after her mentor underwent a savage beating which left him mentally handicapped.

And then you can start to see some problems:  you don't embrace seclusion for starters. You enter it or seek it. And "mentally handicapped" is one of those nicey-nice phrases that really doesn't tell us much. Her mentor most likely doesn't have Downs Down Syndrome or autism. He's most likely got severe head trauma that affected his memory and ability to function.  In other words "not his former self"  Here's where "vegetative state" may be a useful phrase. Impolitic to be sure, but useful.

Months later she needs something to haul her out of her secluded depression. Moving across the country, and rejoining her old band Raptor Snatch seemed like the perfect idea.

Which means everything you've started with is back story. The story starts when she rejoins the band. That's the choice she makes, right?

Of course, there's still the tension between her and Kelvin, the lead guitar player. There's still that other band that call themselves 'Slutmaster,' but the three members' sexual conquests added up wouldn't equal a trip to third base. They can't play their instruments but think they are Raptor Snatch's rivals, and will stab them in the fronts the first chance they get. Immersing herself in the on and off stage insanity of a musician's life is the perfect distraction. What can go wrong when there's a “rival” band trying to sabotage her career at every step? How can sleeping with her guitar playing former enemy be anything but positive? If music soothes the savage beast then Randi had better get singing...

There are a lot of words here but not much useful information about what's at stake.  There's a band that tries to sabatoge her? How? Why does she care? Do they have a reasonable chance to harm her career? Or are they just so annoying her reaction harms her career?

BE SPECIFIC about what choices Randi makes and what's at stake. Without that it's just noise.

'Raptor Snatch' complete at 72,000 words, is a sardonic comedy about an up and coming band and their front-woman's emotional nuclear night, in the midst of sex, drugs and rock and roll.

I recognize all the words, but I'm not sure what they actually mean when you string them all together.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

This bio is the best part of the query. It's funny, charming and honest to god straightforward. More like this. Less like the other stuff.

Start over. Write simple declarative sentences, then add the pretty.

#210-Revised 2x

Dear QueryShark:


Rowan hears the clinking of the iron shackles binding her wrists and curses herself for her foolishness. It is her own fault she is trapped in this holding cell in the castrum of Eboracum. Her consuming thirst for vengeance has landed her in this pit of darkness that reeks of human filth and despair. The stench is overwhelming; it is the stink of her failure. She has twice failed to kill the man responsible for the death of her adoptive father and the annihilation of her tribe: the Bishop Claudius.



She can see the barest traces of light squeezing through the gaps in the door. When that portal opens, she will meet her death. The question is will she die by the hands of Roman legionnaires or will Claudius deal with her personally? Only she knows the truth about him. The foundation of power he has carefully built through deceit and murder could crumble if she opens her mouth.



A small ember of hope flares in her breast. There is another weapon at her disposal, one more powerful than forged steel. She was born with the ability to move objects without touch, but there is a darker side to this power, a black gift she has kept this locked away since she was a child. Killing Claudius has proven to be a difficult task. Perhaps unleashing her rage and hate may be the key to his downfall.





ROWAN OF THE MOOR is historical (with paranormal elements) complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone novel set in fourth-century Roman occupied Britain and written from multiple (you MUST tell me how many if you mention this) points of view, mainly those of Rowan and Claudius.

There's a big difference between 16 and 4 points of view. The alternative is to NOT mention the number at all.  

This is  a LOT better than the previous iteration. It clearly needs some polishing up (ember of hope?) but this is much closer to where you want to be.  Good work.

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Dear QueryShark:


Rowan may have been gifted with foresight and telekinetic abilities, but she must hide these curses under the guise of a boy. (Why?) Brittani and Romans may have coexisted somewhat peacefully for nearly three centuries, but Rowan's kind has been hunted near to extinction. (Why?) If she were exposed as a druid, even worse a female druid, her life would be forfeit. (Why?) If the Romans she lives among knew she could kill with a mere thought, they would never rest until she has been destroyed, or worse, enslaved and used for selfish gain. (AHA!)


You see from the insertions above that it isn't until the very last sentence that you actually tell me something enticing. In other words, start with that. Start with where the protagonist has a problem with something at stake. 

You've also got some really clunky writing going on here: If the Romans she lives among for starters.

After she has a horrific vision of death and names the powerful Bishop Claudius as the murderer, she is exiled by her adoptive father. Hurt and angry Rowan represses her abilities and searches for her mother's people. She finds an abandoned village, a half-mad uncle, and even more questions about her past. When she discovers she was sired by Claudius, she believes herself to be tainted, evil, and sinks into a deep depression until a visit from a familiar apparition snaps her back to life.

There's a puzzling failure of logic here: "she represses her abilities." If she can repress her abilities why doesn't she do it long before the stakes got so high?

What familiar apparition?

And so far, she doesn't seem to be in much danger.

Rowan follows Claudius to the Roman city of Eboracum. She will stop at nothing to avenge her slain family and the man who had adopted her, even if she must commit murder and unleash a power she secretly fears and cannot control. Death would be preferable than failure, especially if Claudius carries out his plans for Britannia.

What? I thought Rowan was hanging out in the woods with the mad Uncle? And when did Dad kick the bucket?

That's the problem with too many events in a query: you don't have enough room to connect the dots. You end up with a string of events not a plot. That's what you've got here, and it's the reason this would be a form rejection.



ROWAN OF THE MOOR is a Historical (with paranormal elements) single novel of 100,000 words and takes place in fourth-century, Roman occupied Britain.

I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

I like the original version much better. This is a mess. It's full of events but no stakes. Rowan doesn't seem all that interesting beyond her ability to kill people with a single thought, which she doesn't appear to know how to wield with with any degree of control, or wouldn't Claudius be like dead already?

The first version was something I haven't seen a lot of. This version feels like last week's yogurt.

I'm not going to tell you what to do; it's up to you.
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For the life of me, I can't seem to write a query from the main character's POV. I've tried it from the antagonist's side and find that I like this much better:

Dear QueryShark:

Claudius has always gained what he desired through murder and manipulation. Disguised as a priest, the former druid claws his way to through the Christian church in only a few years.

If he's disguised, he's not an actual priest. If he's working his way up the church hierarchy, the Cardinals and  head honchos*** and Pope would have to think he's the real deal. And the Church keeps records.  

He is now a bishop and sought after by the rich, Roman peerage of Britannia for his wondrous ‘miracles’. Claudius cannot help but laugh. These sheep do not know the difference between God’s work and dark magic. He is now bored and covets a new title: archbishop to the Roman city of Eboracum. When he kills the previous possessor of that position, Claudius realizes he made a mistake when he allows a boy who witnesses the murder to live.

He knew he should have killed that brat when he had the chance. This boy, Rowan, is not a he, but a she … and Claudius’ bastard daughter. She is a bandrui, a female druid, driven to avenge her clan and her adoptive father all whom he had helped destroy years ago. She is a formidable enemy with power that surpasses his own- and this is a battle he cannot afford to lose. He has no choice; she must die. When she is gone, all of Britannia will bow to him, just as before.

I didn't know all of Britannia bowed to him before. Surely that's his goal, not what has already happened?

ROWAN OF THE MOOR is a Paranormal/Historical (with romantic elements) single novel of 100,000 words and takes place in fourth-century, Roman occupied Britain.

You've got three categories here. And since I'm absolutely positive that Rowan and Claudius are not the romantic element, you can surely leave that out.  

I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

I think this is a pretty good query letter as it stands. The paranormal stuff is going to move it off my request list but I can see someone reading pages on this pretty easily.

But your note at the start makes me pause.  If you can't write about the main character (and you don't say who it is but my guess is Rowan) you might need to think about the book differently.  Maybe Claudius is the main character. He's certainly interesting enough. And he thinks he's the hero of this story, no doubt.

Query letters can do a lot of things, including make you crazy, but one of the unexpected things is it can reveal problems with the actual novel.

If  Claudius is the main character we'll certainly need to understand why he is doing what he's doing and he'll certainly need to do some character development.  You might need another pass at the novel with this re-focus in mind.

Your problem here isn't the query. 


***my lack of knowledge of the 4th Century church is pretty clear here. Commenter caught it.