Gus had warned Proli not to get involved with the first angry mob that comes along, but when the workers stormed across the city that night, she drunkenly joined their ranks without hesitation.
That's a pretty intriguing opening line. The only problem is that I don't have an immediate sense of when/where. Paris in 1968? Petrograd in 1911? Babylon in 1165BC? New York in 2020?
Poor work conditions had led to the gruesome deaths of two young girls at the Governor's paper mill, the latest in a long string of injustices. Armed with out-dated weapons and homemade bombs, the angry workers clash violently with the security forces at the Governor's estate and are forced to retreat.
It's not discussed in the factory where she works, but York Finster, a former resistance hero, has emerged from retirement. Proli hears his name whispered in taverns and diners through out the city, and his demands for change are echoed in the hearts of every worker. Except for Proli's. York Finster has delivered thousands of moving speeches, and nothing has ever come from them. She cannot lend her energy to a false revolution, especially with rent being past due and her roommate, Gus, spending most of his time chasing after university girls instead of honest employment. As the Governor and his council clamp down harshly on suspected dissidents, however, Proli discovers that she has unwittingly been entangled in the heart of a messy rebellion she never thought could happen.
I am seeking your representation for this novel. A full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time.
I'm absolutely not clear about when this takes place. There are hints that it's now (Impeach Bush) and hints that it's 50 years ago (former Resistance fighter).
I like the idea but you need to be much more specific. Every single word in a query letter matters. Use the most specific, vivid word you can every single time.
This would be an automatic rejection right now because I just don't have a compelling sense of where this novel is headed.
Proli knew better than to get involved with the first angry mob that came along, but when the workers stormed across the city that night, she drunkenly joined their ranks without hesitation. In the city of Grand Betelsburg, many have silently endured poor work conditions, low wages, and other injustices, but the days of quiet upset are coming to an end.
How many tenses are we going to have in two sentences? Pick one. Stick with it.
The gruesome deaths of two young girls at the Governor's paper mill sparked a riotous rage among the workers. They jeered loudly as they headed toward the Governor's estate, and Proli shouted along with them, raising her fists in solidarity.
You're now in the present but "that night" implies all this happened a while ago. This is just plain bad writing.
Viva La Stasis follows a factory girl, Proli, and her profiteering roommate as they struggle to make rent and end up making a stand.
This sentences has NOTHING to do with what came before it.
In the days following the worker's march, rumors of a full-scale uprising bring Proli more hassle than hope. The Governor and his council begin to clamp down on suspected dissidents and impose a strict curfew. Fears of being interrogated by a heavily armed street patrol keep her indoors at night when she'd rather be out dancing with Hank, a fellow factory worker who admires the freckles on her nose as much as her ability to throw a decent punch. When she does sneak across town to his apartment, Hank welcomes her with copies of the city newspaper filled with council sponsored lies and bores her with endless praise for York Finster. She notices that Hank's not the only one talking about York Finster. His name is whispered in back rooms and taverns throughout the city, and his cries for resistance soon echo from the lips of every worker except for Proli's. She remembers that even in his glory days York Finster was a failure and a coward: two traits that make him a lousy champion for the working cause.
At this point I'm so confused about who what and when that I've stopped reading. It's also a hugely long paragraph for a query letter. Paragraphs need to be short and sweet. Big blocks of text are literally unreadable.
Where Proli sees futility, her roommate, Gus, sees profit. He tries to secure lucrative munitions deals with the strengthening resistance, but his previous line of business selling contraband literature has not prepared him for the arms trade. Despite his inexperience, he quickly establishes ties with some of the underground's most influential members. When Gus learns that York Finster is plotting with the Governor to sabotage the worker's rebellion, he and Proli will do the unthinkable and plan a revolution of their own.
I am currently seeking your representation for this work of literary fiction. A completed manuscript of Viva La Stasis (76,000 words) is available upon request. I have included a self-address, stamped envelope. My other contact information is listed above should you prefer to correspond by another method. Thanks for reading.
Simplify. Use short declarative sentences to say what the book is about. Garnish as needed AFTER that. This is a mess.