The needle glinted in the moonlight as Samantha prepared to plunge it into the President’s neck. Vengeance lay in her grasp. Nausea churned in her stomach.
Nausea doesn't churn in your stomach unless you ate something called nausea. She was nauseated. She felt nauseated. Nausea churned her stomach. All those constructions solve your problem.
Yes, I'm an utter crab about silly things like what words mean. You should be too.
How had she fallen so far in her quest for revenge?
Second year resident, Dr. Samantha Bartlett, is swept from the frigid New York winter to face the chill of death back home. But she’s not alone. A strange man she dubs Shades haunts her every step as she seeks answers to the inferno that claimed her grandmother, an eerie reminder of her parents’ deaths. What Samantha finds forever changes her image of those she only thought she knew.
This is hyperbole without meaning. Inferno that claimed her grandmother? Eerie reminder? What specifically are you talking about?
Confronted by Shades, Samantha joins a secret underworld known only as the Elite, where a web of power and control is woven deep within governments worldwide. Their talons are embedded in the power structure of the United States, and Samantha becomes the unlikely key to infiltrating the White House at its most intimate levels.
If their talons are embedded why do they need her to infiltrate?
What the heck is actually happening here? Get rid of every single adjective and adverb. Use plain declarative sentences. Those are the skeletal structure of a query letter: what happens. Why? To whom?
All that other purple prose obscures your meaning and leaves me thinking "huh??"
The quest for blood threatens to destroy Samantha. From the darkness there is no escape.
This is meaningless.
RUNNING INTO THE DARKNESS is complete at 67,000 words
I am a member of the (redacted). My particular line of work in government relations allows a unique window into the realm of politics and the Washington D.C. scene.
Well good, but none of that appears to factor into what you wrote in the opening paragraphs.
Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.