#217-Revised 2x to a win!

Dear QueryShark,

Andromeda Jaunsten isn't a very good alien. She can’t read minds like the rest of her class. She can't turn invisible or move things with pure willpower. She can’t even levitate, which is supposed to be downright easy.

About to be expelled and desperate to stay, she turns to performance-enhancing drugs. It's stupid and illegal, but it works. In fact, it works too well. She can suddenly see the most well hidden secrets, and it's not nearly as amusing as it sounds.

Her teacher Dr Ister has been searching the Academy for the missing princess of Narulon, and it's not for purely patriotic reasons. Now he thinks he's found her in Andromeda's roommate Grace Robin.

Andromeda tells anyone and everyone who might listen, and the next thing she knows she's locked in a bathroom and nearly burned to death. It's part warning, part proof that she's right. If only someone would believe her.

When Ister gets hold of Grace, no one is willing to help. If Grace dies, the future of Narulon dies with her, and Andromeda is certainly not living the rest of her life with that on her conscience. Of course, the rest of her life might not be very long once she confronts Ister.

STARS is my debut. It is a 95,000 words YA novel. I have included (whatever the agent's website asks for) below.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Yes! You've nailed it. 

Now, what to do when you "win" QueryShark?

Make sure your novel reflects what you've done here: get the choices Andromeda makes on the page pretty early. In this case it sounds like using drugs to become a better alien.  We don't need a lot of backstory about how she got to the school or that she's a bad alien. Get us to that fork in the road as soon as you can without rushing the pace.

I love the voice here too: bright and insouciant.  

Congratulations on these revisions. They're terrific!

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Dear QueryShark,


Andromeda Jaunsten isn't a very good alien. She can’t read minds like the rest of her class. She can't turn invisible or move things with pure willpower. She can’t even levitate, which is supposed to be downright easy. All she's ever been able to do is sense the emotions of those around her, and that's only good for finding out just how close she is to being expelled.


This is pretty good for setting the scene. I'm interested to find out what happens next.


Not only is she lacking an actual talent, she's lacking the most distinguishing part of her species: the small star-shaped tattoo given to all unwanted children of Narulon before they're shipped off to Earth to be raised by humans. No one knows why, but it soon cements everyone's conviction that she doesn't belong at the Academy.


And this doesn't tell me what happens next. It's more set up. It's more alien out of water stuff.


As she's inexplicably given more and more time to prove herself, the irritation around her mounts. Her roommate can't wait to have their room to herself, her best friend's new girlfriend is eager to get rid of the competition and Andromeda's least favorite teacher, Ister, is taking every chance he can get to furiously search her mind like there's no tomorrow. She even finds him lurking outside her bedroom at night, hoping to catch a glimpse of her vulnerable sleeping mind.


Ok, but this is just more of the same. It's set up. You can encapsulate ALL of this into "and everyone else is just waiting for the day she gets booted out too."


Right now there are no stakes. She's an alien, and not a good one. She's going to get expelled. So what? 

You've really got to get to the so what part of the equation in the first line of the second paragraph.


When she's locked in a bathroom and nearly burned to death, she knows it wasn't an accident, and she has an obvious suspect in mind. While everyone else is overwhelmed with shock, Ister feels guilty… and angry. Andromeda just can't understand why he would want to kill her, unless it has something to do with what he found in her memories. If she learns to read his mind, while protecting her own, she might just find out where she really comes from. But then again, would Ister allow her close enough to try, without a second attempt at her life?

STARS is my debut. It is a 95,000 words YA novel.


Thank you for your time and consideration

You seem to have lost about 30,000 words between version 1 and version 2. That's probably a good thing but you still don't have the essence of a plot here: what choice does Andromdeda face? People want her dead. Ok, a lot of people wouldn't mind blowing up the QueryShark with verbal TNT. So what? 

Unless I must choose between A. posting here and annoying the murderously inclined to further attempts or B. quitting the blogging business, there are NO stakes.  You need to show me Andromeda's choices.   It also helps if the both choices  comes with some horrible consequences: I quit blogging and will fall into despair at the deluge of bad queries; I don't quit blogging and not only am I murdered in my kelp bed, I'm eaten for lunch as shark fin soup.

See the difference?  The fact that people want to kill Andromeda isn't a plot. The fact that she doesn't know where she comes from isn't a plot.  What's at stake if she finds out she's really from Betelgeuse not Narulon?  If she learns to read his mindif she learns to read his mind she'll turn into a toad, does she choose to do that? The choices she must make are the plot.

When you can answer the question what choice must she make and what are the terrible consequences of them, then you revise and resend the query.

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Dear QueryShark:

Andromeda Jaunsten doesn't know what to expect from the Academy. She doesn't know her roommate will hate her, her best friend will fall for a girl she can't stand, her teachers will be able to -literally- see right through her, or that her future will hold at least three near-death experiences (only one of which is an accident). She just found out she's an alien, and apparently, she's not the only one.

The most interesting sentence in the paragraph is the last one; you've buried it under a list of things that aren't very interesting (because we don't have the context of the last sentence.)

The problem is, she's not a good enough alien.

Aha! Here's the sentence that helps us figure out context. If start with something like Andromeda Jaunsten is not a good enough alien and ditch the list and get on with the problem, you're better off.  (it's also a bit clunky: Andromeda Jaunsten isn't a very good alien sounds better.  Developing an ear for rhythm is REALLY important.)

She can’t read minds like the rest of her class. She can’t turn invisible or move things with pure will power. She can’t even levitate, which is supposed to be downright easy. All she’s ever been able to do is sense the emotions of those around her, and that's not impressing anyone.



Andromeda soon faces expulsion, and if she doesn't drastically improve in the mind-reading department, she will be sent home without friends, without a proper education and without the chance to find out who is trying to kill her roommate Grace Robin (with such bad aim she's caught in the cross-fire, nonetheless).

And then you trail off here into nothingness. Expulsion isn't very high stakes. Finding out who wants to kill her roommate is better, but still not very much.

Your plot needs some work here. Also, who's the antagonist?

STARS is my debut. It is a 124,000 words YA novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Right now you don't have enough to entice me to read pages. You're on the right track but you need more plot. This feels very thin for 124K novel. 

Just a reminder

I saw this tweet this morning: "Dear God, Please don't ever let me click a link from Query Shark and find my query letter there. Amen."

I immediately replied, and I'm posting this here, to remind everyone that QueryShark is entirely voluntary. Every letter here was sent to the QueryShark, not to my incoming queries at the agency.

I do not ever post letters without the author's permission.

I take this pretty seriously because I value the trust you show by letting me critique your work publically to help not just you but LOTS of other writers.

I take it so seriously that even if someone jokes around about finding themselves on QueryShark, I don't treat it as a joke.

And if I ever make a mistake (and I can't see how it could happen...but it never hurts to be prepared) I have one last failsafe mechanism in place: when I post the query, I also send the link to the author as it goes up.

So, back to our regularly scheduled gnawing.

#214

Dear Query Shark,

UNIQUE DOMESTIC OPPORTUNITY

Wanted: Temporary housing for 6 year old female

Non-negotiable-Parents must maintain a reasonable distance from adolescent. Foster siblings must be willing to undergo counseling. All exchanges between occupants must be formal and diplomatic. The home dwelling needs to have ample technological devices. (Here's where I'd stop reading and send a form rejection)  Weekly allowance will not cover all extra-curricular activities. Family members should have a clear understanding of the phrases “doesn’t adjust well to new settings” and “loved ones should keep an open mind”. Applicants must become members of the Aspie cult also known as, Family Members of Children with Asperger’s Syndrome.

There are several problems:

1. This is a gimmick. As soon as I see something like this it says you're using a gimmick rather than voice to entice me to read on. That is not what you want in a query.

2. The opening line says the kid sister needs to go, but the next paragraph makes it sound like the brother is the one moving "foster siblings etc."  So not only is this a gimmick, it's a confusing gimmick. Very not good.

3.  It's not actually funny.  Now, humor is more subjective than love so you may think it's funny, but to me it's just confusing, and one thing  you have to have with humor: your audience needs to get the joke. 

Will make exchange for older sibling with driver’s permit or potty trained animal. Female comes with complete medical history and list of medications. All vaccines (vaccines are what the inoculation is made of; you mean vaccinations) up to date. Bonus inclusion, exchangee’s ability to retain useless facts.

Again, I'm still confused about who's coming and who's going.

* *

This temporary arrangement is being made for the preservation of exchangee’s older brother. He wishes to continue his meager existence without interference. Female need only be cared for during the next 8 years, at which point brother, James will leave parental home and younger sister (said female) may return. All interested applicants must call home phone @ #440-555-0218, as advertiser does not have his own cell phone or email.


Ok, now it's clear but it's late in the game. You don't have this much time to get an agent's attention. If I'm confused in the first paragraph, I've moved on right then. 



NOT QUITE NORMAL is a light-hearted middle grade contemporary novel about an eleven year old boy who struggles with his place in society. When his autistic sister is mainstreamed into his school, James' delicate balancing act is thrown off the high wire. He must now face the relentless twin bullies at Harwood Elementary with an additional handicap (literally).

This doesn't sound light hearted at all, which is why you want to avoid describing your novel in a query letter.  Let ME figure out the right adjective to apply.  And who exactly is going to read this?

Middle grade novels are for kids in elementary school.  They aren't struggling to find their place in society; they're trying to live through third grade.  They're reading things like Jacob Wonderbar and the Space Kapow; Zachary Ruthless; and, Vordak T. Incomprehensible. 



Word count of 29,000. This is my first novel.

You're focused on the wrong thing here. Tell us what happens in the book, not the premise for it. Show me it's lighthearted, don't tell me.

Thank You for your time and consideration,

#213

Dear Query Shark

Amy’s a problematic drinker brooding over a fantasy world and her dead mother. Carrie’s overly uptight and spurns Dean’s hopeless advances. Mitch and Renee are deeply in love, but it’s all in jeopardy.

Egad. Five characters in four sentences and 33 words!  This is textbook "character soup."  Don't do it. The reason you don't want to do this is I don't know where to look or what to remember. It's akin to being introduced to five people in rapid succession, by first names only, at a job interview. Who's important?  Who's the intern and who's the guy actually deciding whether you get the job?

The first paragraph needs to be enticing, not the cast of characters.

Suddenly these problems get even more complex, especially considering they’ve tripped into Amy’s fantasy: Ezrantia. Revelations about her mother send Amy into an alcohol fueled downward spiral. Carrie obsesses over home. Dean is heartbroken. Mitch and Renee run from their fears and into a desert.
Oh, and Ezrantia is crumbling worse than a stale loaf of bread for the pigeons.

I'm absolutely and completely lost right now. This is a very bad thing in a query.

And then there's that stupid prophecy. Those things always make life a living hell.



These five teens and their new friends aren’t ready, mentally or physically, for an oncoming battle with a creeping shadow. Despite friendships, politics, magic, a fortuneteller, faeries and alcohol, they all must prepare. But it’s not easy putting emotions aside, especially those concerning your closest friends.

This is set up. What's the actual problem? Who are the antagonists? What's at stake? 

You're burying the place that the story starts: the oncoming battle. Everything else you've got here is set up or description. What's the plot?

All their new magic seems meaningless in the face of this beastly shadow because they can’t run from their problems forever. Sometimes they chase after you.


PAPER CROWNS, complete at 69,000 words, is a different type of YA fantasy. I’m an avid reader sick of vampires, elves and dragons. Instead I tossed talking animals, booze and bad attitude into the frying pan and am serving up something new.

"sick of vampires, elves and dragons"  I'm sure you are. But your query isn't the place to reveal that. Chances are the agent you're querying is making some pretty nice coin off those books.  While we're all looking for fresh and new, we don't have to trash the stuff that made us money last year.

Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward to any input and possibly working with you in the future.

Simple and elegant is really hard to do. All the reviews of the new Steve Jobs biography mention his insistence on clean, simple and intuitive. Query letters are like that too: simply tell us who the main character is, what problem s/he faces, and what's at stake. It's harder than it sounds, of course, but you've still got to do it.

If you have an ensemble cast, you'd have done well to pay attention to QueryShark #199.

#212-Revised-FTW

Dear QueryShark:

Felix Ramos had always dreamt of working in space, but a journalism degree does not an astronaut make. Given an unlikely opportunity to fulfill his childhood fantasies, he leaps at it, unknowingly launching himself into a place balanced precariously between tedium and terror.

As a human kill switch in an artificial intelligence-managed resource exploration station on one of Saturn’s moons, he finds that ticking boxes and pushing buttons is awful, even when it’s done where no man has gone before. His counterpart and confidant, Cara Moretti, occupies another facility, where she discovered this unpleasantness months ago. Their days are rigidly structured by their employer, the Koyamatsu Interplanetary Development Concern.

And then the Russians invade—or at least Felix swears so, pushed into paranoia as unidentifiable lights and figures flicker on the horizon. These are the opening shots in the campaign of a group of militant conservationists who wish to stop private development in space; Felix soon finds himself the target of cajoling, gaslighting, and bribery for access to his station’s AI core. Deluded into imagining himself as a highly-paid double agent, he begins to make noticeable mistakes.

Cara, meanwhile, discovers that her company hasn’t budgeted for bringing both of its employees home. She’s been cleared to go, but her new friend has not. If she keeps her mouth shut, she knows she’ll see Earth again, but her conscience screams for her to risk abandonment to save his life. Her predicament could become moot, though: Felix has triggered a surprise visit from Koyamatsu, which threatens to aggressively smooth any embarrassing wrinkles in the operation.

Different Atmospheres DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERES is a speculative fiction novel complete at 72,000 words.

Book titles are in caps.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is a stunning turnaround. You've gone from "this is a mess" to "I'd read pages" in ONE revision.

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When two deep space researchers are set up to fail by a ruthless employer on an inhospitable moon, they must decide whether to resign their lives to inertia or fight for uncertain freedom.

This is a log line. Avoid them.

Think about it: it's a false choice. If they resign their lives to inertia, there's no story.

And worse, this kind of log line doesn't entice me to read on. Again, the goal of a query letter is to entice the reader to want more.

Log lines are imported from Hollywood, and they have NO place in query letters. I don't care what any one else says, even normally smart agents. I'm right and they're not. Log lines are of the Devil. Shun them.

Different Atmospheres is 72,000 words of speculative fiction set on Titan, a moon of Saturn covered in hydrocarbon oceans and methane glaciers.

Felix Ramos, young, inexperienced, and idealistic, operates Ontario Station in the southern hemisphere. Cara Moretti, wise, professional, and sick with wasted potential, occupies Kivu Station to the north. As the sole inhabitants of their semi-automated research facilities, the two are dependent on each other for the real-time communication and commiseration that bat back the boredom and depression of isolation.

This is all set up. Unless you're querying a child of six with no background in the science fiction genre either in books or movies, you don't need all the set up. Saturn's moon is enough. We know it's cold. We know it's isolated. (There are days I'd pay good money to work there)

And then the Russians invade--or at least Felix swears so, pushed into paranoia as his station’s computer mysteriously malfunctions. Cara, meanwhile, discovers that her employer hasn’t accounted for bringing both of its researchers back home, which becomes the least of her concerns as a shadowy group of conservationist saboteurs struggles to gain control of the moon.

He's going nuts...and? She finds out it's a one way ticket ...and?  You need the choices and what's at stake for us to care about their situation.

And "shadowy group of conservationist saboteurs" is as one-dimensional description of a villain as I've seen in a while. It's actually a reason I'd reject this even if the writing was any good. Boring villains make boring books.

Thanks for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. No, you probably don't.

This is a mess. Start over. Focus on ACTION not description. Tell us what's at stake and what choices the main characters have to make. Give us a compelling INTERESTING villain.

#211-Revised 7x-for the win!

Dear QueryShark:

Randi needs rock and roll to fuel her rise from the ashes of the past year. She's back on stage fronting her old band, RAPTOR SNATCH, and nothing is going to stand in her way! Certainly not the jealous rival band, Slutmaster - inaccurately named, and hell bent on stealing her place in the spotlight.


They linger at Randi's band's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They cancel her gigs, and accuse her band members of theft. Their weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player.


But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.

Can Randi hold her band – and herself -- together long enough to hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?


RAPTOR SNATCH is an 83,000 word Ccommercial Ffiction.



I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synaesthesia – which isn't an issue until someone plays a wrong note, which makes me want to squirm inside out. It makes for a good live show.


Thanks for your time and consideration.

This query does what it needs to do: entices me to read pages. 

If you look at the first version, it's 265 words. This version is 233.  It was pared down, yes, but the words themselves changed. We lost some great phrases (murder your darlings!) and started in a new place, so this was mostly honing in on specifics and what's important. The right words in the right order.

The trick is not to be able to write this finished query on the first try.  The trick is revise enough to get to this finished query.  Revising is where the writing comes in.


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Dear QueryShark:


Randi needs this musical comeback for more than just professional reasons. Eleven months ago her mentor (who was more like her father) was the victim of a savage random attack. The permanent brain damage he sustained has guaranteed that their relationship will never be the same.

If we start here in the second paragraph we get past all those false starts with "why" and get to "what happens" which is probably a better place to start.

Randi needs rock and roll to fuel her rise from the ashes of the past year. She's finally decided to get busy living, and nNothing is going to stand in her way. Certainly not a thejealous rival band hell bent on stealing her place in the spotlight!

Oh the difference an article makes! A means there are perhaps many. The means there is but one. The also draws our attention: this is the one, pay attention.  I'm not kidding when I tell you that fiercely talented writers obsess over single words. We've had fistfights over words. If you think sharks can't have fistfights, you'd be mistaken.


They linger at Randi's band, RAPTOR SNATCH's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They cancel her gigs, and accuse her band members of theft. Their weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player.

Getting the name of that band in there is tricky. You need it, but it makes the sentence awkward.  I'd suggest you find a way to put it in the preceding paragraph.  You can even give a subtle hint about the crazy name with something like: Nothing is going to stand in her way: not the crazy band name she can't get them to change; certainly not the (not a) jealous ....etc.


But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.

Can Randi hold her band – and herself -- together long enough to hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?




RAPTOR SNATCH, commercial fiction, is complete at 83,000 words.

I always think "it better be complete if you're sending queries" thus you don't need to tell me it is. 


I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which isn't an issue until someone plays a wrong note, which me want to squirm inside out. It makes for a good live show.

Do not touch that last paragraph. It's perfect. 

Thanks for your time and consideration.

You're almost there. Now...is your novel ready? Have you applied all this hard won improvement to the novel itself?  It does you no good to have an enticing query if your novel is still last year's writing.

 

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Dear QueryShark:

Randi needs this musical comeback for more than just professional reasons. Eleven months ago her mentor was the victim of a savage random attack. Randi needs rock and roll to fuel her rise from the ashes of the past year.

Let's get some connective tissue here between her mentor's savage random attack and her ashes.  Why would a senseless random street crime lay her low?


She's finally decided to get busy living, and nothing is going to stand in her way. Certainly not a jealous rival band hell bent on stealing her place in the spotlight!

They linger at Randi's band's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They cancel her gigs, and accuse her  Raptor Snatch band members of theft. Their weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player.

Make sure your reader knows that Raptor Snatch is the name of the band or the title doesn't make sense.

But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.


Can Randi hold her band – and herself together long enough to hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?


RAPTOR SNATCH: commercial fiction, is complete at 83,000 words.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which isn't an issue until someone plays a wrong note, which shorts out my nervous system and brings on contortions resembling the Tarantella.

Umm...that just sounds weird.  Let's get another result here.

This is MUCH better.


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Dear QueryShark:

Randi hopes rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' will cure her depression. Music is more than just a job for Randi – it's the fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing! Well, a jealous rival band is certainly going to try.

There's a disconnect between the last two sentences. "Nothing!" is in Randi's POV. The last sentence isn't.  Can you see it?  This is where you're looking at every single word in a query. Simply by changing "Well, a" to "Certainly not" you keep the same viewpoint. And it flows more smoothly:

Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing! Certainly not a jealous rival band bent on (whatever they are bent on)

See the difference?


They may call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but their combined sexual conquests combined don't equal a trip to third base. What they lack in sexual – and musical -- prowess, they make up for in sabotage.

This is what I mean by polishing.

Slutmaster linger at Raptor Snatch's performances, slinging glares around like Mardi Gras beads. They fraudulently cancel some of Raptor Snatch's gigs. They give anonymous tips to night club security accusing Randi's band members of theft. Slutmaster's weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy lead guitar player. But Randi didn't claw her way out of an emotional abyss to give up without a fight.

Musically, Raptor Snatch have never been better; they have a real shot at getting signed. But as irritation soars beyond Mariah Carey's vocal range, band members are threatening to quit.  Randi's band is her refuge from the pain in her heart. Slutmaster is being a pain in her ass. It's battle of the bands; off stage edition. 

This says what the preceding paragraph does, only not as well. Ditch it.


Can Randi hold her band – and herself together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?


RAPTOR SNATCH is complete at 81,000 words.


I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

You've got an opportunity here for a really good closing phrase...something that combines music and color. It can't be over the top, but it's got to be more enticing than hoary old "interesting."

Thanks for your time and consideration.

This is much better.  You need to polish it though, and the best way I know to do that is to say the words aloud. If they sound clunky, if it doesn't flow, change it. At this point you're going to be taking out or moving words, or changing syllables.

And I really want you to remember that everything you work on in the query is stuff you MUST also do for the novel. Yes, you're saying the sentences of the query aloud. YES you're saying the sentences in the novel aloud. Maybe not every single one, but at this point, probably a lot of them.

It won't do you any good to have a polished query and a clunky novel.

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Dear QueryShark

Randi is ready to rock. Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. spent in seclusion. She's still emotionally raw from her mentor's accident, but Nothing is going to stand in the way of her comeback. Nothing!

Why she is depressed is less important than the fact she is. Cutting away more and more of the extra stuff will give you cleaner, leaner prose.  It also gets you to the last sentence on the up-beat. That's what you want, because that last part of the paragraph is what gets you to the next paragraph. It's like running an obstacle course. You need to hit a jumping off point with enough speed to leap up and  catch the rope to climb up the wall.


Well, a jealous rival band is certainly going to try. They call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but the three members' their sexual conquests combined don't equal a trip to third base. What they lack in sexual – and musical -- prowess, they make up for in sabotage.


From Calling and canceling Raptor Snatch's gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, Slutmaster's weaselly tactics are getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her lead guitar player.


Her band is supposed to be a refuge from the pain in her heart. Slutmaster is being a pain in her ass. Can Randi hold her band – and herself-- together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock and roll phoenix's comeback go up in flames?





'Raptor Snatch,' RAPTOR SNATCH a contemporary fiction, is complete at 81,000 words.

Cap titles of books. "a contemporary fiction" isn't what this is.  It's a novel.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting

You've got the pieces in place. We're down to testing each individual word and phrase.  You want elegant and lean prose here.  I've made some suggestions, but this is where the critical element is time. Let this sit for a day or two (at least--a week would be better.)  Then come back to it.  You'll be surprised what you see that you want to change.

This is the part that all too many queriers leave out of the process.  In their hurry to get started they let an almost-good query out the door.  Almost good won't cut it.

Wait

Review.

Polish.

Resend.

Minimum time to elapse: one week.

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Dear QueryShark:

Randi is ready to reclaim her life as an up and coming rock star, after an eleven month hiatus spent wallowing in seclusion. Still raw from the savage beating her mentor received and its long term effects on them both, she comes up with a plan so cunning you could stick fur on it and call it a weasel.

This is a really bland start. There's no zip, no enticement.  Also using "raw" to describe Randi is a mistake since the beating injured someone else.  She may be emotionally raw but another word would be less confusing.

The comments column mentioned that "stick fur on it and call it a weasel" is derivative. I wouldn't worry about it. It's a funny line. However, you never mention what the plan is, and since that's the PLOT or WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR NOVEL that's a pretty glaring oversight.

Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months.

Unless you mean rejoining the band is her cunning plan? Cause...that's not cunning.

Cue the jealous band who call themselves, 'Slutmaster,' but the three members' sexual conquests combined don't equal a trip to third base. They think they are Raptor Snatch's rivals, and will stab them in the fronts every chance they get.


From calling and canceling their gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, it's getting under Randi's skin more than Kelvin, her sexy jerk of a lead guitar player.

This sentence is as awkward as I've seen.  You're trying to do too much in one sentence. Have I not been hitting you over the head about the correct order for sentences (subject/verb/object) for 212 queries now?

It's hard to tell what "it's" is the pronoun for.  What is it? Upon reflection it is the pranks pulled by Raptor Snatch's rivals, BUT you never actually mention that. Instead it's hidden in "stab them in the fronts every chance they get."  Which may be a great line, but doesn't actually make any sense.

I have the feeling you're trying to incorporate all the opinions you're getting in the comment column. Do NOT do that.  You can not crowdsource a query or you will end up with a query that walks like a duck, spins like a puck, steals your luck and earns your query a brisk WTF.  You're losing your distinct voice here as you try to spackle and glue all the suggestions in here.

Irritation is a stinky perfume, especially when she wanted Distraction. Can Randi hold her band – and herself together, and hit the stage singing? Or will this rock phoenix's dream go up in flames?

I'm sorry but WTF?

'Raptor Snatch,' is complete at 81,000 words. This book will appeal to readers who enjoyed Jody Gehrman's 'Summer in the land of skin;' (published 2004)  Erica Orloff's 'Diary of a blues goddess;' (amazon ranking 2.4 million/pubbed before 2003) and Carl Hiaasen's 'Star Island.'

Don't use comp titles that are old. If I sold this book tomorrow it would be published in 2013 (nine/ten years AFTER those first two books)  

Don't use comp titles that aren't selling well.  2.4 million sales ranking means it probably sold ten copies last year, maybe.

Also, I think using Carl Hiaasen or any other utterly distinctive writer sets up unrealistic expectations. I loved Carl Hiaasen for a good long time, and if you tell me I'm going to see something akin to his work here, and I don't, that's a failure of expectation you don't need.

In other words, comp titles can really hurt you. It's ok to leave them out rather than use ones that don't actually help your cause.  

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

This is still the best paragraph of the query. You'll notice all the sentences are in the right order, you're not trying to be clever, you're just being your own clever self.  More of this.


My name is (redacted), and I can be reached at either this email, or by home phone, (redacted)

Don't do this. It sounds like one of those wretched campaign ads "My name is Grover Cleveland and I approved this ad"  Just sign your name and your contact info at the bottom of the email.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Name

Email

Phone

Etceteras

Quit reading the comments. Start over with the query. Be brave enough to be plain.

------------------------------
Dear QueryShark:

Randi is ready to reclaim her life as an up and coming rock star, after an eleven month hiatus spent wallowing in seclusion. Still raw from her mentor's savage beating

(the way you have this phrased, it sounds like Randi was beaten up by her mentor)

and its long term effects on them both, she comes up with a plan so cunning you could stick fur on it and call it a weasel.

For this line alone, I'd read the book.

Rejoining her old band, 'Raptor Snatch,' is the cure for her depression: the rock and roll fuel for her rise from the ashes of the past eleven months. Cue jealous band, 'Slutmaster,' whose three members' sexual conquests added up combined wouldn't equal a trip to third base. Backstabbing – and playing their instruments – is too complex for them; they prefer to stab Raptor Snatch in the fronts every chance they get. (the line from the first iteration is better) From calling and canceling their gigs, to trying to get them arrested for stealing their own equipment, it's irritating but mostly harmless, except for the vicious emotional attack on Randi at a gig one night. Kelvin, her lead guitar player, (and former enemy) jumps to her defense. He also confesses a long time attraction to her, and Randi realizes that hating him has been an empty habit. They begin a relationship which gives Randi the emotional boost she needs to accept life as it is now – perfect in its imperfection – and lead her band in a scorching performance which lands them a record deal.

'Raptor Snatch,' is complete at 78,000 words. This book will appeal to readers who enjoyed Jody Gehrman's 'Summer in the land of skin;' Erica Orloff's 'Diary of a blues goddess;' and Carl Hiaasen's 'Star Island.'



I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

There's no doubt in my mind you are a writer with extraordinary talent. None. What you lack here is  polish. You'll benefit from saying the query out loud to get the rhythm right; as a musician you'll hear when things go clunk, or are off beat in a bad rather than interesting way.

You're also telling a lot of the story; almost all of it in fact. The purpose of a query letter is to ENTICE SOMEONE to read the book, not tell them the entire story.

Give me just enough to make me beg to read more.

Revise. Polish. Resend.

And for godiva's sake, please make sure you don't send another Big Bloc O'Text. It makes your email almost impossible to read. Do NOT Shoot Yourself In the Stax By Doing This.

---------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Having once led the wild life of a rock-star, Randi embraced seclusion after her mentor underwent a savage beating which left him mentally handicapped.

This sentence is a perfect example of why I yammer (endlessly!!) about starting with the name of the main character.  When you do that, you'll naturally also get rid of the clause and thus have a stronger opening.

To wit: Randi embraced seclusion after her mentor underwent a savage beating which left him mentally handicapped.

And then you can start to see some problems:  you don't embrace seclusion for starters. You enter it or seek it. And "mentally handicapped" is one of those nicey-nice phrases that really doesn't tell us much. Her mentor most likely doesn't have Downs Down Syndrome or autism. He's most likely got severe head trauma that affected his memory and ability to function.  In other words "not his former self"  Here's where "vegetative state" may be a useful phrase. Impolitic to be sure, but useful.

Months later she needs something to haul her out of her secluded depression. Moving across the country, and rejoining her old band Raptor Snatch seemed like the perfect idea.

Which means everything you've started with is back story. The story starts when she rejoins the band. That's the choice she makes, right?

Of course, there's still the tension between her and Kelvin, the lead guitar player. There's still that other band that call themselves 'Slutmaster,' but the three members' sexual conquests added up wouldn't equal a trip to third base. They can't play their instruments but think they are Raptor Snatch's rivals, and will stab them in the fronts the first chance they get. Immersing herself in the on and off stage insanity of a musician's life is the perfect distraction. What can go wrong when there's a “rival” band trying to sabotage her career at every step? How can sleeping with her guitar playing former enemy be anything but positive? If music soothes the savage beast then Randi had better get singing...

There are a lot of words here but not much useful information about what's at stake.  There's a band that tries to sabatoge her? How? Why does she care? Do they have a reasonable chance to harm her career? Or are they just so annoying her reaction harms her career?

BE SPECIFIC about what choices Randi makes and what's at stake. Without that it's just noise.

'Raptor Snatch' complete at 72,000 words, is a sardonic comedy about an up and coming band and their front-woman's emotional nuclear night, in the midst of sex, drugs and rock and roll.

I recognize all the words, but I'm not sure what they actually mean when you string them all together.

I am currently a librarian; I lurked there for so long recommending books to patrons and shushing people, that I suspect they only hired me so it would be less creepy. Now I'm armed with a name tag, and a thin veneer of credibility. I'm also a musician with synesthesia – which keeps things interesting!

This bio is the best part of the query. It's funny, charming and honest to god straightforward. More like this. Less like the other stuff.

Start over. Write simple declarative sentences, then add the pretty.

#210-Revised 2x

Dear QueryShark:


Rowan hears the clinking of the iron shackles binding her wrists and curses herself for her foolishness. It is her own fault she is trapped in this holding cell in the castrum of Eboracum. Her consuming thirst for vengeance has landed her in this pit of darkness that reeks of human filth and despair. The stench is overwhelming; it is the stink of her failure. She has twice failed to kill the man responsible for the death of her adoptive father and the annihilation of her tribe: the Bishop Claudius.



She can see the barest traces of light squeezing through the gaps in the door. When that portal opens, she will meet her death. The question is will she die by the hands of Roman legionnaires or will Claudius deal with her personally? Only she knows the truth about him. The foundation of power he has carefully built through deceit and murder could crumble if she opens her mouth.



A small ember of hope flares in her breast. There is another weapon at her disposal, one more powerful than forged steel. She was born with the ability to move objects without touch, but there is a darker side to this power, a black gift she has kept this locked away since she was a child. Killing Claudius has proven to be a difficult task. Perhaps unleashing her rage and hate may be the key to his downfall.





ROWAN OF THE MOOR is historical (with paranormal elements) complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone novel set in fourth-century Roman occupied Britain and written from multiple (you MUST tell me how many if you mention this) points of view, mainly those of Rowan and Claudius.

There's a big difference between 16 and 4 points of view. The alternative is to NOT mention the number at all.  

This is  a LOT better than the previous iteration. It clearly needs some polishing up (ember of hope?) but this is much closer to where you want to be.  Good work.

------------------------------------


Dear QueryShark:


Rowan may have been gifted with foresight and telekinetic abilities, but she must hide these curses under the guise of a boy. (Why?) Brittani and Romans may have coexisted somewhat peacefully for nearly three centuries, but Rowan's kind has been hunted near to extinction. (Why?) If she were exposed as a druid, even worse a female druid, her life would be forfeit. (Why?) If the Romans she lives among knew she could kill with a mere thought, they would never rest until she has been destroyed, or worse, enslaved and used for selfish gain. (AHA!)


You see from the insertions above that it isn't until the very last sentence that you actually tell me something enticing. In other words, start with that. Start with where the protagonist has a problem with something at stake. 

You've also got some really clunky writing going on here: If the Romans she lives among for starters.

After she has a horrific vision of death and names the powerful Bishop Claudius as the murderer, she is exiled by her adoptive father. Hurt and angry Rowan represses her abilities and searches for her mother's people. She finds an abandoned village, a half-mad uncle, and even more questions about her past. When she discovers she was sired by Claudius, she believes herself to be tainted, evil, and sinks into a deep depression until a visit from a familiar apparition snaps her back to life.

There's a puzzling failure of logic here: "she represses her abilities." If she can repress her abilities why doesn't she do it long before the stakes got so high?

What familiar apparition?

And so far, she doesn't seem to be in much danger.

Rowan follows Claudius to the Roman city of Eboracum. She will stop at nothing to avenge her slain family and the man who had adopted her, even if she must commit murder and unleash a power she secretly fears and cannot control. Death would be preferable than failure, especially if Claudius carries out his plans for Britannia.

What? I thought Rowan was hanging out in the woods with the mad Uncle? And when did Dad kick the bucket?

That's the problem with too many events in a query: you don't have enough room to connect the dots. You end up with a string of events not a plot. That's what you've got here, and it's the reason this would be a form rejection.



ROWAN OF THE MOOR is a Historical (with paranormal elements) single novel of 100,000 words and takes place in fourth-century, Roman occupied Britain.

I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

I like the original version much better. This is a mess. It's full of events but no stakes. Rowan doesn't seem all that interesting beyond her ability to kill people with a single thought, which she doesn't appear to know how to wield with with any degree of control, or wouldn't Claudius be like dead already?

The first version was something I haven't seen a lot of. This version feels like last week's yogurt.

I'm not going to tell you what to do; it's up to you.
----------------------

For the life of me, I can't seem to write a query from the main character's POV. I've tried it from the antagonist's side and find that I like this much better:

Dear QueryShark:

Claudius has always gained what he desired through murder and manipulation. Disguised as a priest, the former druid claws his way to through the Christian church in only a few years.

If he's disguised, he's not an actual priest. If he's working his way up the church hierarchy, the Cardinals and  head honchos*** and Pope would have to think he's the real deal. And the Church keeps records.  

He is now a bishop and sought after by the rich, Roman peerage of Britannia for his wondrous ‘miracles’. Claudius cannot help but laugh. These sheep do not know the difference between God’s work and dark magic. He is now bored and covets a new title: archbishop to the Roman city of Eboracum. When he kills the previous possessor of that position, Claudius realizes he made a mistake when he allows a boy who witnesses the murder to live.

He knew he should have killed that brat when he had the chance. This boy, Rowan, is not a he, but a she … and Claudius’ bastard daughter. She is a bandrui, a female druid, driven to avenge her clan and her adoptive father all whom he had helped destroy years ago. She is a formidable enemy with power that surpasses his own- and this is a battle he cannot afford to lose. He has no choice; she must die. When she is gone, all of Britannia will bow to him, just as before.

I didn't know all of Britannia bowed to him before. Surely that's his goal, not what has already happened?

ROWAN OF THE MOOR is a Paranormal/Historical (with romantic elements) single novel of 100,000 words and takes place in fourth-century, Roman occupied Britain.

You've got three categories here. And since I'm absolutely positive that Rowan and Claudius are not the romantic element, you can surely leave that out.  

I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

I think this is a pretty good query letter as it stands. The paranormal stuff is going to move it off my request list but I can see someone reading pages on this pretty easily.

But your note at the start makes me pause.  If you can't write about the main character (and you don't say who it is but my guess is Rowan) you might need to think about the book differently.  Maybe Claudius is the main character. He's certainly interesting enough. And he thinks he's the hero of this story, no doubt.

Query letters can do a lot of things, including make you crazy, but one of the unexpected things is it can reveal problems with the actual novel.

If  Claudius is the main character we'll certainly need to understand why he is doing what he's doing and he'll certainly need to do some character development.  You might need another pass at the novel with this re-focus in mind.

Your problem here isn't the query. 


***my lack of knowledge of the 4th Century church is pretty clear here. Commenter caught it.

Pause for a recap

 Dear QueryShark:

I don't want to be a smartass or anything.  I'm genuinely curious about something.  You insist that those who want to submit to the query shark read the archives first.  That's what I've been doing, and I'm a little confused about the contradictory opinions I've found there.  For instance:

http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2008/04/1.html

In that post, you say you like rhetorical questions.  But in this one (and loads of others): http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2011/06/206.html   you say queriers shouldn't open with any sort of question.



I used to be ok with rhetorical questions but then they just seemed to get lame and then more lame. It's entirely possible my tastes have changed. Agents are getting a LOT more queries now then they used to (or at least that's my sense of things--and my mail reflects that too) When you see a lot of rhetorical questions done poorly it just gets to the point that you never want to see one again.







 


Also: http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2008/12/86.html

That query is written in first person.  But in this one (and others): http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2011/06/203.html  you say not to write a query in first person.

Don't confuse I-the-writer with I-the-character.  You always write queries in I-the-writer first person. You're almost never ever going to write in I-the-character.

However, you've also said many times that people can break the rules if they do it well, and if they query accomplishes it's goal, which is to convince people to read more.

So.  My questions.  First, did your opinion change after seeing a few too many rhetorical questions, or is it all in the question?  For instance, if someone asked, "Don't you just hate rhetorical questions?" would that work better than "Have you ever mistaken your wife for a hat?".  And second, is there a way to write a query in first person that won't instantly be seen as a gimmick?  I have no interest in writing a query that way, but I'm curious.  If, as in that example, it's full of a voice that hooks you, does that transcend the gimmick?

There is no one template. There is no magic set of rules. There are lots of contradictions.  All you have to do is find your voice and write really well. It's very simple and very hard.

And I don't think you're a smart ass.

#209-Revised 1x

 SUSPECTS-83,000 words.

Put all the housekeeping stuff at the end. Start with the good stuff: what happens.

Fourteen-year-old Charlene didn't come home from school today. Friends and relatives do what they can to console the Ives family, but only her safe return will suffice. With no witnesses to the abduction, and no demands for ransom, detectives focus their attention on the parents--they are not telling the whole truth. When a reporter overhears one cop tell another that the father is a person of interest, media speculation runs rampant.

John Ives is hiding something, but it's not the whereabouts of his daughter. It is the government-issue computers in the basement... and his past. Ronald Perkins, a former recruiter for the CIA and now Deputy Secretary for Homeland Security, knows Ives is not who he says he is, but doesn't care. Someone with an IQ of 180 and is not afraid to break the law is a valuable asset. With national security at stake, Perkins mobilizes forces to root out the perpetrators before Ives is exposed.

A waste of time, money and manpower. Her disappearance is not political.


If you stop here, you leave us wondering.  If you put in that last paragraph, we stop wondering.  Leave us wondering. Leave us wanting to read on.

Anna ignores her. The new girl will find out soon enough. Anna Bianchi has been locked in this cellar for more than two years. The same routine week after week, month after month. Chained at the ankle, forced to listen to the incoherent rants of a lunatic, Anna can't take it anymore and wants to die. The new girl says her name is Charlene. It doesn't matter. She's never going home either.

Thank you.

 Much better. Make those changes and I think you've got a good query.

----------
She comes to in the dark. The flannel nightgown, the baggy underpants and the woolen socks are not hers. Panic forces the terrified fourteen-year-old upright. Nausea drains what little strength she has.
She gags with the foul odor in the makeshift prison. The room starts to spin. A shadow within shadows stirs six feet away. The ominous clink of a chain slithers on the far side of the cellar floor. Fettered at the ankle by the same chain someone, or something, pulls her closer...

This paragraph is just an event without any context.

It's the equivalent of putting the first paragraph of the book in the query. Don't do that. A query needs to provide some framework. Without framework, we don't know what's important.

If I were reading this query as a submission, I'd stop here. It feels like a psychological horror novel, and frankly, those things scare the crap out of me, and I don't read them.


Their daughter Charlene didn't come home from school that day, or the next, or the day after that. Friends and relatives do what they can to console the Ives family, but only her safe return will suffice. With no witnesses to the abduction, and no demands for ransom, detectives focus their attention on the parents. They are not telling the whole truth. Within hours, community support for John and Lauren Ives vanishes as media speculation runs rampant.

And this paragraph shows you've got something actually quite good: a high concept novel with a twist on the usual crime novel motif.

Trouble is, you don't have enough. Who's the hero? Who's going to solve the problem? We need the next step to see what the story is about.  You've got the concept here but nothing more.

Ditch the first paragraph. Write the third.  You'll probably have a pretty decent query.

SUSPECTS-83,000 words.

Thank you.

#208-Revised 1x

Dear Query Shark,

When a stranger calls Trinity Esposito and asks her to donate bone marrow to the daughter she gave up for adoption sixteen years ago, Trinity is not worried about past sins being exposed. She’s never given up a child for adoption. Trinity explains to the caller that she has the wrong woman and hangs up, assuming that she will never hear from Rebekah Cooper again.


A week later, Rebekah appears on Trinity’s doorstep with the adoption paperwork of her daughter Sasha. Trinity is mystified to find her childhood address on the state’s form of conditional surrender as well as a signature that is not in her handwriting. Trinity abruptly realizes that this was not a straightforward clerical error. Sixteen years ago, someone stole her identity.


Proving to the Coopers that she is telling the truth is a simple matter of taking a DNA test; finding answers to why her name was on their paperwork proves much harder. Although Trinity willingly speaks to their private investigator and offers to help with their search, the Coopers make it clear that they don’t really trust her. After receiving the DNA results, they stop returning her calls.


Then Sasha Cooper stumbles upon her parents’ research and knocks on Trinity’s door, believing she is about to meet her birth mother. Gradually, as an unlikely friendship forms between them, what was Trinity’s search for answers becomes solely about finding the biological family that is needed to save a young girl’s life.



A RELATIVE CONCERN is contemporary Christian Fiction and my first novel. The first chapter follows below. The completed manuscript is 68,000 words.


Thank you for your time and consideration.



The plot that you've outlined is very dated. Without any other elements to spice things up, this is a Lifetime movie in 1993.  And because there are no other elements, this is an example of what agents and editors mean when they say the book isn't "big enough." There's not enough plot here to carry a novel. You need more, a lot more.

You need a bad guy. You need stakes. You need some sense of why this is a Christian novel other than you telling me it is. You need more story. This runs 68,000 words right now. You can EASILY add 20K and be ok on word count. You can add 30K and be ok if you have to.

Right now, quit worrying about the query. Go back and outline that novel and then start adding story. At least one subplot.  Some characters.

The set up of finding out her identity was stolen shouldn't take up more than 3 chapters or 30 pages. That's not plot. That's set up.

You might want to even put the novel on hold for 90 days and go read 20 novels in your category. Outline THOSE novels and see what the writers did to develop plot.  Pick good books and by that I mean ones that you like but also that other people like.  You can find word count for a lot of novels on Amazon under "text stats" in the INSIDE THIS BOOK section under all the reviews.

I think you're querying too soon. I don't think your book is fully cooked yet.
-------------
Dear QueryShark

Trinity Esposito receives the most bizarre phone call of her life

you're telling us how it turns out  before we see what it is. Telegraphing the punch line in effect. If you start here ----> when a stranger asks her to donate bone marrow to the daughter she gave up for adoption sixteen years ago.

and complete the sentence with Trinity isn't worried about a secret being revealed. She's never given up a child for adoption then you have the event followed by the reaction.

Of course, that's just off the top of my head as I write this, first draft, so you'll want to polish it up, but my point is the structure of the sentence: event, then reaction.

The problem is that Trinity never gave a child up for adoption. Mystified as to how such a serious error could occur,

most likely what happens is Trinity explains she never gave up a child, they have the wrong Trinity, and then hangs up. Mystified comes later when she has time to think about it.

she hangs up, assuming that she will never hear from the woman again.



A week later, Rebekah Cooper (who is Rebekah Cooper?) appears on her doorstep with a birth certificate and adoption paperwork—both of which list Trinity as the mother of this sick teenage girl. Rebekah's daughter Sasha. Trinity willingly takes a DNA test, and her husband makes it clear that genetic proof is all that she owes the Coopers. But Trinity wants answers.

Ok, here is where you need sharper focus. Trinity's not the mom. Why does she think this is more than just a clerical error. Or someone else with her name. (There are at least a dozen people with my name that I know of) What does she suspect?

Her personal concerns fade when she meets Sasha Cooper and an unlikely friendship forms between them. Gradually, Trinity’s search for answers becomes solely about finding the biological family that is needed to save a young girl’s life, even if Trinity’s oldest friends are the ones who have betrayed them both.

And here's a plot failure point. Trinity is not the mom. Someone else is. Won't Sasha's adoptive mom be moving heaven and earth to find out who the biological mom is? Why is Trinity the only one looking?

And I have a feeling that final clause reveals much of the entire plot. Thus, leave it out.

A RELATIVE CONCERN is contemporary Christian Fiction and my first novel. The first chapter follows below. The completed manuscript is 68,000 words.





Thank you for taking the time to consider my query.

I'd probably read this query as is.  It's not a bad query. It does the one thing queries need to do: entice me to read on.

But, there are some problems here that might also be problems in the novel. It's great to get a lot of requests for fulls but very VERY disheartening to not then get offers of representation.

After your query is all polished up from the stuff you learn here, I hope you're applying it to the novel you're writing.

#207-Revised 1x

Dear Query Shark:

The fading nation of Entropia is having a lousy time of it lately. No one visits anymore, and is it any wonder. The airports are closed--officially blamed on a 14-year strike by the Toiletpaper Restockers Union. The only way in is through a poorly maintained tunnel with an exorbitant entry fee. But the Tourist Board's Ernie Shodabruski has a plan.



Misanthropic gameshow champion Chase Windborn wins an all-expense-paid tour of Entropia for himself and one of his foreign pen pals. Welder and frustrated artist Natalie Machackova is Ernie's choice. And if Chase chooses to stay home with his stamps, he'll forfeit a half-million of his winnings.

Ok, you've got a missed connection between the last sentence of the first paragraph and the first sentence of the second paragraph. Consider this: But the Tourist Boards' Ernie Shodabruski has a plan: award an all-expense paid tour of Entropia on a game show.

Misanthropic gameshow champion Chase Windborn wins the trip for himself and one of his foreign pen pals.

Obviously all the writing in italic is a raw first draft, but the link between the events is clearer here. In short form writing like queries, it's really important that one paragraph flow into the next without the reader thinking "huh, what??"

The tour is broadcast around the world, while Ernie drives them from one dysfunctional town to another: flooded Fort Mildew, pious Mt. Cyanide, the homeless veterans' island of Maroon. None of these are places Natalie hoped to see. But art colonies aren't on Ernie's itinerary. Neither is Stamphenge.


At Joyful Noise, where Entropia's children are raised and expectations lowered, Ernie is forced to spend two days with his son--a child so bright, he can't really be his. Chase takes the van and drops Natalie in a town full of artists.

You're trying to stuff too much into this query.  Focus on the main event. I hate like hell to lose "where Entropia's children are raised and expectations lowered" but this is why "murder your darlings" is sterling writing advice.


In Stamphenge Chase spots a stamp that once belonged to his grandmother. Convinced since childhood he triggered her death by using her most valuable stamp to send away for other stamps, he steals it back. But when two wrongs fail to put things right, only Natalie may be resourceful enough to fix it.

In the tradition of Terry Pratchett's Discworld, Entropia is a comic fantasy that examines contemporary American life. It is complete at 100,600 words. My work has been published in Kaleidoscope, American Heritage, Rosebud, and The Journal of Irreproducible Results.

Thank you for considering Entropia. your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Better. Much much better.

 ---------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

To all appearances, Chase Windborn is sitting pretty. True, he's essentially friendless and his town, Mt. Cyanide, is infested with the unreasonably pious, but he makes a lucrative living on the gameshow circuit, takes pride in still driving a utilitarian Barnacle, and tolerates a horde of correspondents willing to send him stamps for his collection.

huh? This is so confusing it's hard to know where to start. He makes a living on the gameshow circuit signals that this isn't literary fiction, it's obviously some sort of comic novel. Then "utilitarian Barnacle" makes me wonder if if it's science fiction. Then stamp collecting sends me back to comic-novel again.

I'm confused. That's not a good thing.

When Chase wins an all-expense-paid tour of Entropia for himself and one of his foreign pen pals, welder Natalie Machackova is not his first choice, or even his last. Shadowed by an indefensibly enthusiastic Tourist Board, they travel through a dysfunctional, balkanized Entropia that reveals itself, one horrid town after another. In Stamphenge, Chase spots a rare stamp that once belonged to his grandmother. Convinced he triggered her death by using her most valuable stamp to send away for other stamps as a child, he steals it back. But when he learns the stamp's owner has died that very night, Chase fears he has killed again.



This social satire is complete at 100,600 words. My work has been published in Kaleidoscope, American Heritage, Rosebud, and The Journal of Irreproducible Results.

Satire of what? Stamp collecting?

Please note this is a simultaneous submission. Thank you for considering Entropia.

you don't need to tell me it's a simultaneous submission. I assume you're querying widely. Unless an agent specifically requests to know that you can leave it out. And you don't want to spend words on something you don't need to say. Use as many words to entice me to read this instead of covering housekeeping matters.

Social satire is a tough category for queries because the book is not plot driven.  You've added to your challenge by placing this in a fictive world. You might want to think about leaving out the proper names here and just have Chase on a tour, finding a stamp, etc. Without the proper names we can focus on the gist of the story. (although Stamphenge IS hilarious)

Even though this book is not plot driven, we have to get a sense of the story.  I don't have that from this query. What we have is the set up: Chase thinks he might be a killer and stamps are his weapon.  That's actually pretty funny but we need to see more.

But the big problem remains:  I'm not sure what you're satirizing.

Right now this is a form rejection.

#206

Dear Query Shark:

A helicopter crashes. An airport is closed. Traffic blocks a highway. Are they related? Is it terrorism? Or something worse?

This sounds like Monday on the LIRR to me. Which is the biggest problem with rhetorical questions...they don't elicit the answer you think they do. And that's the reason I continue to tell queriers: don't open your query with any sort of question.

I'm a published author, and I've just completed (redacted), a 102,000-word thriller woven in part around these themes.

What themes? You haven't mentioned ANY themes. You've mentioned traffic.

Never EVER use the phrase "just completed" in a query. The last thing I want to read is something you "just completed." I want to read something you've polished until it gleams. There's absolutely no need to mention how recently you finished this and polished it up. This is one place where you can cut words, and you need to because this query clocks in at 440 words.

And "I'm a published author" has become code for "I'm self published and trying to hide it."

Of course, when I looked up your name, you're not that at all. You want to make SURE you mention the title and publisher of your last book. Here's how to do that.

"I am the author of TITLE (Publisher: year published) a non-fiction look at Subject. I am querying you on my first novel TITLE OF NOVEL." In other words, get the name of the publisher right there next to the title.

If you have more than one book here's what you do:

"I am the author of Number of Books, most recently TITLE (Publisher: year published). I've included a list of my books at the bottom of this email" and then include the list below your signature and above the first 3-5 pages of the manuscript you include in the query.

Here's where your query really starts ----->The story tracks Adam Robson and Zoe Diamond, two yuppie New York reporters, who witness what seems like an unfortunate but innocent helicopter crash over the New Jersey Turnpike. The next day they inexplicably become the targets of violence. Panicked, they flee to Mexico, then Argentina, and finally the Middle East as they try to learn who is attacking them and why.

They're the only people who see a helicopter crash on the NJ Turnpike? Really? You can't pry me out of NYC with a crowbar so I haven't actually ever seen the NJ Turnpike, but I looked up the stats and it seems like there are more than 100,000 cars on the NJ Turnpike daily. If they're not the only people who see it, why are they targets?

And their first response is run to Mexico? Not go to the police?

This is why short form queries are so hard to write. You don't have time to explain or world-build. You have to entice your reader with very few words.

Meanwhile, Ariel Katz, a tenacious Israeli anti-terrorism expert, becomes intrigued by the crash, suspecting that terrorists might be involved. Katz's investigation indirectly lures Adam and Zoe to Israel. Just after they enter that country with forged documents, Katz orders their arrest. Pursued now by two groups, Adam and Zoe find themselves running frantically into the Old City of Jerusalem. There a harrowing chase through the narrow, ancient streets and alleyways finally leads them to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Christianity's holiest site.

Who is the protagonist? Who is the antagonist? Right now you've got a lot of people running around the world. You've got a lot going on, but no plot.

With no way out, Adam and Zoe have to decide who to trust. Only in the aftermath do they finally learn the chilling truth that will haunt them, and the reader, forever.

Only one story has haunted me forever, and you don't want to promise to do that to me again. (Shirley Jackson's THE LOTTERY in case you're wondering.)

"Haunt you forever" is hyperbole. It's not effective in a query.

The style of (redacted) combines the pace and excitement of John Grisham's earlier books with the uncanny relevance of Wag the Dog, weaving together terrorism, international intrigue, and hints of politics, religion, history, and myth. (Many of the supporting details come from my own research.) Combined with the exotic locations in the novel, (redacted) offers excellent cinematic possibilities.

You're telling, not showing. Cinematic possiblities is nice, but I'm not a film agent. All I care about is whether it's a rip-roaring novel with a crackerjack plot.

I have written or contributed to 15 non-fiction books, with another forthcoming; I've also written for the (well-known newspaper). And I lecture widely throughout North America and Europe. I was prompted to turn to fiction when reviewers called me a "master raconteur" who writes with "a flair" (well known other newspaper) and lauded my first non-fiction book as a "tour de force" that "reads like
an adventure novel."

There's no way to say that stuff about yourself without sounding pretentious as hell. It may be true (I'm sure it is) but it's like telling people your SAT score. I don't really care why you turned to writing novels. I only care if this is one I want to read.

Can I send you part or all of my ms. for review?

For your convenience, I've also made the ms. and information about it available on-line at: (redacted)

you have your entire manuscript online? oh wait, no you don't. It's password encrypted. Thus it's NOT online unless I email you to ask you for the password.

I'm not going to do that. And I'm probably not going to go to your website to read pages. When an agent asks for the first N to N+1 pages in a query, you have to paste them in the email. NOT include a URL.

I can be reached as follows:

E-mail: (redacted)
Phone: (redacted)
Post: (redacted)

This info goes under your name.

I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,

This query is 404 words, and I really encourage writers to adhere to the 250 mark.  Not just to keep it to the one page limit, but forcing yourself to write in this short form forces you to pare down your query to the essentials.

In the QueryShark archives is a template for how to get the essentials of plot in to a query letter.  I'm honest to god not kiddding when I tell you guys reading the archives is essential.  Yes I know there are 200+ letters in there, but if you read those first you'll save yourself a lot of time and revisions.

This is a form rejection despite impressive publication credentials. I have no sense of the plot, and that's absolutely critical in a thriller. I have no sense of the antagonist either.

Start over.

#205-Revised

(date)


You don't need the date in the body of a query letter.  I know when you sent it because my email management program tells me.

Dear QueryShark

I chose your agency because: (bla, bla, bla.)

Don't lead with this. I personally don't give a rat's asterisk about why you queried me but I know some of my ilk like to see this kiss-up stuff personalization. It goes at the end of the query. Start with the story.

My completed novel OUTLAWS (working title) is 66,400 words action story.

Don't worry about the title, and whether it's working or final or whatever. Publishers have final say in the title of books and at least half the books I've sold have undergone title changes. In other words, don't get too attached to the "perfect title"--just like washing your car is a sure fire way to make it rain, loving your title too much means it's Gone In 60 Seconds.

Josh Grant's puritan upbringing by Amish grandparents did not prepare him for life as a city cop. It did prepare him to live as a reclusive farmer in the mountains of Southern Idaho where he relocated. The lifestyle served as his personal pergatory to atone for his self-imposed guilt for not protecting his wife and son from the drug ravaged city crime. His isolated hideaway, where the only responsibility was to his animals, served as santuary for a while.

Did you even run spell check before you sent this?

You're still bogged down in backstory. How Josh got to Idaho, and Grandpa and Grandma aren't relevant. He's there now. Start where the story starts.

It starts here ----->When he stumbles onto the bloodied body of his friend at the general store he reluctantly calls on his street skills to protect his friend's daughter Jolene from the thugs who murdered her father. Together they must survive attacks from the ruthless gang bent on eliminating witnesses to the murder.

Consider this: Josh finds his friend, Felix Buttonweazer murdered at the general store. Now he must help Felix's daughter Jolene hide from the ruthless gang determined to eliminate witnesses.

Names are a big help on keeping everyone straight.

The gang kidnapps Jolene and Josh must go on the offensive. Along the way he finds renewed reason to live.

If they're bent on eliminating witnesses, why do they kidnap her? Why don't they kill her?

(About me)

Well, no, you actually have to spell this out in a query.

Thank you for your consideration.

I sense you're getting impatient here, with both the critiques and the comments.  You've written the novel, and you just want to get started on getting it in front of people.  I'm impatient too, and easily frustrated (just ask the minions who have to deal with me in the office on a daily basis--they have bolt holes for when it gets rough!)

Right now, you need to step back and give this query some breathing time.  At least two weeks. Don't read the comments (in fact, I'm going to shut them down).  Just let this percolate for awhile.  

Go read some good novels. Give yourself some time off.  Then come back, read through the archives again (you're missing the template of how to talk about plot in a query) then start over.

This is better than it was, but it's still not close to where it needs to be.

--------------------------
> (date)
>
> Dear (agent):
>
> Imagine being a homicide detective in a drug ravaged city where your wife
> and young child are the victims of a drive-by shooting.
>
>Detroit detective, Josh Grant lived through that - barely. Plagued with
>self-loathing over his failure to protect his family, he quits the force
> and moves to the mountains of Southern Idaho where he exists as a
>reclusive farmer just as his Amish grandparents had.
>
> On a trip to a country general store for supplies he stumbles onto the
> bloodied body of the store owner and interrupts the attempted rape of the
> owner's daughter, Jolene. Josh recognizes the motorcycle gang's logo as
> that of the notorious Outlaws, a vicious biker gang he's dealt with in the
> past. In his rescue of Jolene, Josh kills one biker and holds another for
> arrest. He and Jolene join forces to prevent further attempts by the
> Outlaws to avenge their fallen brother and eliminate witnesses to the
> murder. Holed up at Josh's isolated farm, he and Jolene survive an all-out
> gun battle with the gang, only to have Jolene kidnapped by the leader of
> the gang and held hostage to lure Josh into his gun sights. With his back
> to the wall and no help, Josh must end this - his way.
>
> OUTLAWS is a completed 66400-word action/romance novel.
>
> My professional experience as a police lieutenant in a large Ohio city
> imbues this novel with a ring of authenticity only experience can bring. I
> have published articles in major trade publications including Police Chief
> and Law Enforcement.
>
> Thank you for your consideration.



This is how your query looks when you copy it from one email and paste it in another or FORWARD.  It's blue, it's got the > thingies, and it's hard to read.

The QueryPolice won't show up at your house. Agents will still glance at your query, BUT it's REALLY hard to read, even on a computer screen. A LOT of agents are reading on their iphones and smaller screens.

Don't do this.

Command D: Duplicate message. Invest a couple minutes in finding out how your mail program does this and then USE IT.  And NEVER forward a query email. Never.

I don't retype every pitch letter to editors. I duplicate the basic message and then personalize it (Dear Reagan Arthur, I'm desperate to do a book with you cause I adore everything you publish. Pleeeeeze buy this)

Now on to the actual substance of the query:



 
-->

(date)

Dear Query Shark:

Imagine being a homicide detective in a drug ravaged city where your wife and young child are the victims of a drive-by shooting.

No thank you. This kind of abrupt statement is akin to a rhetorical question. It's not the most effective way to open a query letter.  For starters, I don't have a wife or a young child.  While I can certainly read books featuring heroes who have those stakes, the reason I care about the wife and child is because I am sympathetic with the hero, NOT because I have a wife and child. There's a big difference.

Detroit detective, Josh Grant lived through that - barely. Plagued with  self-loathing over his failure to protect his family, he quits the force  and moves to the mountains of Southern Idaho where he exists as a reclusive farmer just as his Amish grandparents had.

This is all backstory. And it's backstory that kills this query letter. Why would I want to spend any time at all, let alone a couple hours in the company of a man who is clearly so despondent and reclusive? There's nothing here that catches my sympathy or my interest.

Let me holler on my soapbox again: the purpose of a query is to ENTICE an agent to read your novel. This isn't.

The story starts here -----> On a trip to a country general store for supplies he stumbles onto the

bloodied body of the store owner and interrupts the attempted rape of the owner's daughter, Jolene. Josh recognizes the motorcycle gang's logo as that of the notorious Outlaws, a vicious biker gang he's dealt with in the past. In his rescue of Jolene, Josh kills one biker and holds another for arrest. He and Jolene join forces to prevent further attempts by the Outlaws to avenge their fallen brother and eliminate witnesses to the murder. Holed up at Josh's isolated farm, he and Jolene survive an all-out

gun battle with the gang, only to have Jolene kidnapped by the leader of the gang and held hostage to lure Josh into his gun sights. With his back to the wall and no help, Josh must end this - his way.

You've given me the entire synopsis here so there's no sense of wanting to know "what comes next" which you MUST have in a query.

OUTLAWS is a completed 66400-word action/romance novel.

This is not a romance novel in any way shape or form. This is a straight up piece of commercial fiction.

My professional experience as a police lieutenant in a large Ohio city imbues this novel with a ring of authenticity only experience can bring. I have published articles in major trade publications including Police Chief and Law Enforcement.

Thank you for your consideration.

This query doesn't work. There's nothing fresh or original about the plot. I have no sense of connection to the characters, and no reason to care about what happens to them. The villains are stereotypes. I'd be MUCH more interested in this if the motorcycle gang were the good guys.

This is a form rejection.