#140-revised twice

Dear Query Shark,

I am currently seeking representation for BECOMING, a 71,000 word young adult urban fantasy.

Claire Silver will never be the same after a high school prank goes terribly wrong and leads to her being mugged and left for dead. It’s not so much the trauma of the incident - especially since she has no memory of the attack - but the inexplicable, life-altering changes that follow in its wake.

A high school prank goes terribly wrong. Clair Silver is mugged and left for dead.
You can see there is a missing link here. Unless the prank is the mugging, the two don't seem to connect. You're better off leaving out the high school prank part out.

In a matter of days, Claire’s once dark indigo eyes transform into to an almost unnatural shade of teal. and sShe starts seeing extra layers of colored refractions surrounding everyday objects.Then s She develops weird food cravings – if one considers the flowers in her Nana’s garden to be food.

Claire has no idea what to make of these new developments until she makes friends with Skye Thompson, Skye is a new transfer student who recognizes a kindred spirit in Claire . She tells Claire that they are both Spirit Guardians; people who upon dying are brought back to life by ancient animal spirits joining with their own soul, giving the chosen vessel unique physical and spiritual powers. Claire has some serious doubts about her new friend’s sanity - until Skye uses her physical ability to jump fifteen feet in the air and her spiritual ability to temporarily make Claire as fearless as she herself is.

Just when Claire thinks that things can’t get any stranger, Jackson Chatfield, the guy responsible for finding who found Claire and taking took her to the hospital after her attack, starts to shows a sudden romantic interest in her. She almost can’t believe a guy so goldenly beautiful actually wants to date her.

As if beginning a whirlwind romance, struggling to deal with new abilities and coming to grips with the idea that her soul now has a roommate weren’t already enough to complicate Claire’s once quiet life, seemingly random acts of theft and destruction start plaguing her family. As the situation goes from bad to worse, Claire begins to see Jackson’s true colors - and they are far from golden or beautiful.

Jackson knows more about Claire and her new status than he’s been letting on. He’s been keeping secrets – secrets that may get Claire killed.

I have included some sample pages the first three pages and would be pleased to send the full manuscript upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Best Wishes,



This is getting better. Really really work on the rhythm of your sentences. And remember, it's not going to do you any good to polish up this query if you don't take what you're learning and doing here and apply it to the manuscript. (hint: that-ectomy is a GOOD idea; take out every single word you don't need.)





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Dear Query Shark,

I am currently seeking representation for BECOMING, a 71,000 word young adult fantasy.

Claire Silver is an over-thinking, second-guessing, chronically-shy mess living anything but a fairytale life. Mugged and almost killed when a high school prank goes terribly wrong, Claire is saved by Jackson Chatfield, a guy so goldenly beautiful that he actually resembles the guardian angel that Claire romanticizes him to be. And, wonders of all wonders, Jackson actually appears to take a sudden romantic interest in little ol’ Claire.

We don't need to know all that about Claire. The only thing we need to know is what happens to her.

I'm not sure goldenly is a real word, but I think it actually works here.

This unexpected charming attention isn’t the only unusual thing that happens to Claire; the once familiar face in the mirror starts to look like a stranger. The eyes staring back at her go through a startling transformation from a dark indigo to a striking shade of teal. She also starts seeing extra layers of colored refractions surrounding everyday objects.

This is stuff we actually do need to know about Claire. The reason we need to know it is because it's what's changing. It's where the action starts.

Claire has no idea what to make of these new changes until she makes friends with Skye Thompson, a new transfer student. Skye recognizes a kindred spirit in Claire. She tells Claire that they are both Spirit Guardians; people who upon dying are brought back to life by ancient animal spirits joining with their own soul, giving the chosen vessel physical and spiritual powers. Claire has trouble believing any of this is real until Skye demonstrates her own powers before Claire’s awed eyes.

What does Skye do? Be specific. (I really hope it's not something like turning Scotch into water)

As if becoming guardian to an animal spirit wasn’t enough to complicate Claire’s quiet life, seemingly random acts of vandalism start plaguing her family and she learns that Jackson is harboring some pretty serious secrets of his own. What Claire doesn’t realize is that all these things are connected and that she and Skye aren’t the only Spirit Guardians in town.

Vandalism sounds like a petty annoyance. Is someone toiletpapering her house? Soaping her car windows? Probably not if (as we learn in the next paragraph, these things may cost Claire her life)

These oversights may cost Claire her very life.

Intermeshed in this supernatural fantasy is the tale of a vulnerable teen learning to be comfortable with who she is and discovering the importance of self-reliance when all else fails.

Focus on what moves the story forward. We don't need to know what the lessons are that will be learned. We just need to be enticed to read the book. I'm pretty sure intermeshed isn't a word.

Included with this query you will find a synopsis and sample pages for BECOMING. I would be pleased to send the full manuscript upon request.

This is better, but there's nothing compelling here. A kid discovers she has magical powers of some kind and it makes her a better person. This is as close to run of the mill YA fantasy as you can get.

Time to get out the imaginarium and get some layers in here. Turn some tropes on their ear. Confound me with fabulous ideas.

This is still a form rejection, but it's a whole lot better than the first version.

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Dear Query Shark,


I chose to submit to you because of your wonderful taste in young adult fantasy.

This is just about the worst way to start a query I can think of. I know you've been told (not here but elsewhere) to personalize a query with "why I picked you" but to be effective it has to be specific. This is so unspecific as to be icky. If you absolutely cannot resist putting in something about why you elected to query this specific agent, mention specific books, or an interview on a website, or their blog, or something individual to the agent.


My novel BECOMING is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 71,000 words. It is my first novel and the first in a planned trilogy.

BECOMING is a 71,000 word young adult fantasy.


Claire Silver is an over-thinking, second-guessing, chronically-shy mess living anything but a fairytale life. But when A near death experience during her senior year of high school leaves her open to becoming the guardian to an ancient animal spirit, Claire must learn to accept the newly developing magic inside of herself and find the hidden strength she never knew she had.

I'm not sure what "leaves her open to becoming the guardian to an ancient animal spirit" means. Does it mean she's considering it or vulnerable to it?

Claire better learn her lessons quickly, because she’s not the only one with something to hide.

Well of course, we don't know that Claire herself has something to hide do we?

While trying to uncover who is behind the seemingly random acts of vandalism that are plaguing her family, Claire fails to take into account that she is part of a whole new world were nothing may be as it seems. If only she had realized that those around her were harboring hidden personalities and hidden abilities right under her nose.

This paragraph doesn't have any connective tissue to what came before. I'm assuming not everyone in Claire's family has had near death experiences (if they have, I'd like to be their life insurance agent) Are they all guardians of some sort of spirit?

Be specific.

It’s a mistake that may cost Claire her very life.

Come along for Claire’s journey and meet some of her fellow Spirit Guardians: Drake, the ill-tempered, darkly handsome loner deeply concerned about the safety of those he doesn’t even know - Jackson, the consummate gentleman with the face of an angel and a heart made of unfeeling ice - Kyra, the stunningly beautiful and attractive woman suffering from crippling insecurities that eventually drive her insane, and Skye, the fun-loving, laughing good-time girl, who has been terribly alone for the majority of her years.

This is a list of characters and without context, or any sense of how they relate to Claire, it's useless info. It's also cliche ridden, and that's the kiss of death in a query.

Enclosed you will find a synopsis and sample pages for BECOMING. I would be pleased to send the full manuscript upon request.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

This isn't specific and it isn't compelling. Form rejection.

#117-Revised Twice, and yes we have a winner!

Dear Query Shark,

While Josie Moore hasn’t exactly made peace with her decision to give up her baby boy, she has learned to accept it. She lives her life as if on hold, impatient for the day her son Austin turns eighteen and she is finally allowed to contact him.

When she spots Austin’s adoptive father in the grocery store, she is overjoyed. Now divorced, Mike has recently moved to town and is raising Austin alone. Totally out of the blue, the unexpected sighting provides her with a much needed opportunity. After careful deliberation, Mike allows Josie and Austin to meet.

Eleven year old Austin is eager to get to know Josie, and they develop an easy and comfortable relationship. Mike struggles with placing limits on their time together, and is torn as Austin gradually grows closer to Josie. Often at odds, Mike and Josie try their best to get along for Austin’s sake.

Austin ignores their sometimes hostile attitudes towards each other, and begins to picture the three of them as a family. Unfortunately, he has no idea how to go about making this happen. By the time he starts working on it, both Josie and Mike have started dating other people.

Things get more complicated when Austin’s adoptive mom, Georgia, reenters the picture. She essentially abandoned Austin years before, and is now looking to repair their broken relationship. Mike and Josie join together in helping Austin deal with his conflicted feelings about Georgia.

Mike and Josie don’t see eye to eye on many things, but are united in their concern for Austin. In their efforts to protect him, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

A work of women’s fiction, SOMETHING GOOD is complete at 75,000 words. Thanks for your time and consideration.


Holy Helvetica, you did it! Frankly I was copyediting my snarl for "you can't redo a query letter this fast and get it right" and boy oh boy was I wrong. This is ready to go out into the world.

VERY nice work!!! Congratulations!!
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FIRST REVISION

Dear Query Shark,

While Josie Moore has not exactly made peace with her decision to give up her baby boy, she has learned to accept it. Finished with college, but without a boyfriend or job, she was convinced it was her only choice. What she can’t accept is Mike and Georgia Cameron’s divorce. After choosing them so carefully, she is stunned to discover they divorced shortly after the adoption. She is also angry that they ignored their agreement to send updates and pictures, but she is legally unable to do anything about it.


Eleven years later, Josie is divorced and alone. She keeps mostly to herself, save the occasional lunches and dinners with her colleague and friend, Howard. She places her life on hold, impatient for the day Austin turns eighteen and she can try to find him.

Well, she does know where he is right? She has his parents' name. What you mean is contact him, not find him, right?

When she spots Mike Cameron in the grocery store one day, she is overjoyed. Totally out of the blue, the unexpected sighting provides her with a much needed opportunity. Figuring Mike owes her something, Josie pleads her case, terrified of messing up her one chance. He isn’t exactly thrilled to see her, or to reveal how Georgia re-married and had a baby, essentially abandoning Austin.

The problem here is that this is all set up for the actual story (at least I hope it is). The story starts when Josie sees Mike in the grocery store. Pare down the first three paragraphs and get to the PLOT: what happens when everyone is interacting.

Having recently moved to town, he is raising Austin alone. After careful consideration, he allows Josie and Austin to meet. Josie and Austin develop an easy and comfortable relationship, while she does her best not to alienate the easily irritated and often prickly Mike.


Things get more complicated when Georgia reenters the picture. Mike and Josie don’t see eye to eye on many things, but are united in their concern for Austin. In their efforts to protect him, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

This is the part where it gets interesting. Focus here.

A work of Women’s Fiction, SOMETHING GOOD is complete at 75,000 words. Thanks for your time and consideration.

women's fiction isn't capitalized. I'm seeing all these random capitalizations lately; it's making me cranky.

My guess is that the query letter reflects the biggest problem with the novel: too much backstory. I'll lay you ten to one that the real story starts somewhere around page 40, chapter four when the grocery store scene is.

That's the start of the story. All the windup and back story can come in later. We don't need to know all that stuff to start with. Josie sees Mike; consternation ensues.


Better but not there yet.

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ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

I would like you to consider SOMETHING GOOD, a work of women's fiction complete at 75,000 words.

Start with the story.

Divorced, childless and edging toward cynical, Josie Moore is doing the best she can. She lives with the colossal regret that she didn't choose wisely when she gave up her precious newborn son to the outwardly perfect Mike and Georgia Cameron. The discovery that they divorced a mere three years later leaves her frustrated and angry, but unable to do anything about it.

Ok, so she ISN'T exactly childless is she? Why did Josie give her son up? Was she a surrogate? Was she alone and afraid? A very quick couple of words to give us a sense of why she did this will connect us to her emotionally. You don't have much emotion here, and so the query feels flat. That's not good, particularly when you're dealing with a VERY emotionally charged concept here.




An out of the blue sighting at the grocery store and she may have the chance to reconnect with her son, Austin, years before she hoped or even imagined. He and his dad have moved to town, and after Josie confronts Mike, he reluctantly agrees to give her a chance to meet him. Depending on Austin's reaction, he may even allow her some small role in his life.

This is passive voice: "an out of the blue sighting at the grocery store". Short declarative sentences: Josie sees her son one day at the grocery story. It's totally unexpected, out of the blue. He and his dad etc.

Why does she confront him? He didn't steal the boy. He adopted him, right? You're missing the obvious here: Josie is this child's biological parent and suddenly here is a chance to be part of his life. Make us feel her elation, her hope, her fear. I'm not talking about huge run on sentences; more like six well chosen adjectives.



Trying her best not to alienate the easily irritated and often prickly Mike, Josie develops an easy and comfortable relationship with Austin. Having her around turns out to be a surprisingly good thing for them when the long absent Georgia re-enters the picture. Having all but abandoned Austin after the divorce, she returns, hoping to fix their badly damaged relationship.

Give your paragraph some chiropractic adjustment: subject, verb, clause. Josie develops an easy and comfortable relationship with Austin while she tries her best not to alienate etc. See the difference?

Now, who is the them in the badly damaged relationship? Austin? Mike? And you really don't need much more than "things get much more complicated when Georgia reenters the picture." We can intuit the chaos that ensues.


Mike and Josie don't see eye to eye on many things, but are in complete agreement in their love and concern for Austin. In their somewhat clumsy attempts to keep him protected and happy, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

Put these sentences in subject, verb, clause form. In short form queries it's very important to keep your structure as simple as possible. And frankly with the amount of sentence polarity (I made that up in case you're wondering if you missed something in grammar class) here in this letter, I'm VERY afraid I'm going to see a lot of it in the manuscript. That is NOT a good thing.

The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your time and consideration.

Put the title and word count down here.

You have a very good concept here. It's the writing that makes me shiver. I think you need a good brutal critique group that will help you see some of the convoluted writing I see here.

I'd probably read a couple pages hoping for the best, but then if they were good, I'd read near the middle of the book too, just to avoid the dreaded "workshopped to hell first chapter syndrome." WTHFCS is what we call a novel with a perfect first chapter followed closely by a splat of epic proportions. I actually have a category for this on my query data base "what the hell was I thinking."

I'd read on but you've got a VERY narrow window here. Before you query, I'd make sure that book has had some brutal (and I mean BRUTAL) beta readers.

#114-Revised Twice, and yes, we have a winner

Dear Query Shark:

“I Rode With Teddy Roosevelt”(working title)

IN 1883, 15- year-old Scottie Burns is hired by a young, vibrant Theodore Roosevelt to work on his Dakota ranch. Like teenaged boys ever since, he finds a role model in this dashing, charismatic hunter/ rancher. As he grows ever closer to TR, Scottie also discovers a
darker, more cynical side to this political animal. TR, in turn, sees Scottie as a good hunting and fishing companion, personal aide and sounding board for his ideas.

Scottie matures as America grows in world stature, helped along by TR’s expansionist sentiments and racial “profiling” -- sentiments Scottie comes to seriously question. He also sees TR quick to practice opportunistic cruelty to his oldest allies if it advances his political career. Scottie will experience that betrayal when he join’s TR’s Rough Riders invading Cuba. The two won’t meet again until the Pan American Exposition, three years later.

This 43,000-word novella offer’s Scottie’s view of the unromantic cowboy life and his fascination with the era’s technological advances: the bicycle, automobile, earliest movies and the birth of press photography

I am a former a reporter, editor and columnist for the (redacted), have freelanced articles for regional and national magazines, have been anthologized and have a book about “classic” cameras still in print. I know the value of good editing, respond to it, and am trained
to meet deadlines.

This could be an interesting read for middle schoolboys. My teacher friends say that's a gap to be filled. I think their fathers would like it as well.

You should have better marketing ideas. May I send you some, or all off the manuscript?



Why yes, yes you can.

This is a really good revision, and the querier is benefiting from my feverish hunt for middle grade books for boys, particularly those based on real people.





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First Revision
Dear Query Shark


Scottie Burns trailed along with Teddy Roosevelt from 1883 until breaking with the Chief after the Spanish-American War, fed up with seeing TR’s ever darker side. Meeting his idol in 1883 and working on Teddy Roosevelt’s Dakota ranch, the two become hunting companions.

After reading paragraph 3, it's clear we need to start this, or mention early on how old Scottie Burns is. (YA novels really need to have YA-age protagonists)

This first sentence pretty much sucks, and my guess is you'll see it now too. There's no sense of excitement here, no sense of drawing us in to adventure. You're still doing what you did in the original: giving us too much information.

You need a snappier first line. It can take days to get it right. Anything that has to be short and punchy is harder to write than a 250 word paragraph.

Teddy takes him back to New York after the Great Die-Off. T R needs to earn a living and has always been in politics. Scottie becomes his personal assistant, sounding board for ideas, and, in time, skeptical of Teddy’s Imperialistic tendencies. He detests the cavalier attitude
Teddy shows -- to even his closest allies -- on his way to the top and they part ways. As the 20th Century dawns, Scottie realizes he has seen the nation become a world power.

Focus on Scottie, not TR. That's the story. Tell us what the great Die-Off is. (My guess without googling is the 1919 epidemic)

This odd novel has me stymied: my wife says it could be a fine Young Adult novel-- especially for middle school boys for whom there is a dearth of books with “guy stuff” to pique the interest of otherwise lazy readers. I think adult Teddy Roosevelt admirers also will be interested. “A Rough Ride With Teddy” has ranch life hunting, fishing, the wonders of the current electromechanical age then dawning -- it even has some love and war.

Never ever use the word lazy with reader in a query letter. Those guys are going to be your audience. Treat them with respect.

How many words in the novel?



I got my first byline at age 13 and, hooked by newspapers, worked as a reporter, editor and columnist for the Buffalo News. I also wrote freelance magazine articles, saw work anthologized and authored a book on co;collecting and using “classic” cameras. I thus know a fair amount about publishing, about the help editors can give any writing, and -- for sure -- how to meet deadlines.

A full synopsis and chapters attached.

NO NO NO. NEVER EVER attach anything to a query letter unless the instructions specifically say "attach." If the instructions say anything else, such as 'include' 'contain' 'enclose' etc, put them in the body of the email.


You're still in reporter mode here; standing back and observing. Get into the story. Be partisan. Be subjective. Step off the sidelines and get into the mud, the blood and beer and make us see what that life is like for Scottie, what choices he faces, and why we should give a hoot about him.

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Dear Query Shark:

Fifteen-year-old Scottie Burns is hired as a ranch hand by a young, vibrant Theodore Roosevelt in Dakota Territory. He finds an idol in this dashing, charismatic hunter/rancher. In time TR finds in Scottie a good hunting companion and sounding board for his ideas.

In their time together (1883-1900) Teddy becomes more manipulative and “political,” Scottie matures -- and the nation grows too, becoming a world power.

Scottie shows us the unromantic side of cowboy life. We share his fascination with the era’s technological advances: the bicycle, automobile, earliest movies and the birth of press photography

He hears Teddy’s desire for U.S. expansion, and his ideas about racial traits. He also sees TR’s constant striving and realizes that TR has lost his reformer’s ideals. Instead, he has become self-
centered, stubborn and quick to practice opportunistic cruelty to his oldest allies if that advances his political career.

Tho he doubts the need for war with Spain, he joins Teddy ‘s Rough Riders invades cuba and comes under fire at San Juan Hill. Once mustered out Burns, now 30, has had his fill of Roosevelt’s ambition and quits. He moves to Buffalo to join a photography studio and
prospers during that city’s industrial boom. There he is hired to photograph the Pan American Exposition.

That incredible summer fair signaled America’s arrival as a new, muscular world power. Millions came that summer for their first look at the miraculous X-rays, infant incubators and experience the marvels of electrification, which would soon sweep across the nation.
They also saw the fruits of the nation’s expansionist push.

When President McKinley is shot, Vice President Roosevelt rushes to a deathbed inauguration.

The two men meet again, Roosevelt turns on his charm to ask Scottie to rejoin his entourage. Scottie refuse -- but the meeting sparks his memories of their years together.


You've mistaken a query letter for a rundown of the events in the book. I swear I'm going to make everyone pass a damn test drawn from the QueryShark archives before sending me queries for this blog.

How many times do I have to say this? One more at least I guess: The purpose of a query letter is to incite interest in the book. It is NOT a rundown of the events, any more than a love letter is a rundown of the events you plan to woo her with.

Start with the hero. What conflict does he face? Not a war kind of conflict, but a choice kind of conflict. You've only alluded to it here: Scottie is conflicted when his hero isn't quite so heroic.

Now what choice must the hero make? What consequences of those choices bother him?

What I'm looking for in query letter is a sense of "what's amiss here, and what's going to happen because of it?"

Use that to structure your query. You don't have to tell the whole story; if you can tell the whole story in one page, I'm pretty sure I really don't want to read it!

Start again.
And read the damn archives.
I'm not in this for love yanno.

#112-REVISED-2nd Revision and a **WINNER**

Dear Query Shark:

Where was her dog?

She felt the first splinter of worry when Hope didn't come in for dinner.

Emily Hunt lived through her dogs. When her dogs succeeded in the show ring and field trials, Emily owned their success. She watched them lounge in the sun when she needed to warm her own soul. She saw her God in her old dogs’ eyes.

It made no sense to keep the runt from an otherwise impressive litter, but Emily had a feeling. A strange, magical connection. And the little white whippet proved her right. Hope became Emily's star - a running phenomenon that showed her disappearing fanny to the fastest sighthounds in the country. But more, Hope became Emily's heart.

Hope had known only kindness from the humans in her life. Granted, humans make idiotic mistakes; dogs were used to that. The species was basically blind and deaf with noses that did nothing but decorate their faces. The poor dears had lost nearly all ability to communicate truth because they relied on their clumsy spoken language. "Blah, blah, blah," they'd babble on, saying nothing at all. Dumb, dependent, sweet creatures. Hope adored her Emily.

She was no ordinary dog. She could make humans hear her. Of course humans would mistake Hope’s words for their own thoughts. Most humans did, anyway. But dogs knew.

After she was grabbed her from her yard, Hope encountered a new breed of human. She stared through crusty cage wires at indifference, greed, and evil. The indifference hurt the most. She was sick, she was sad, she was so tired. She felt madness licking closer.

Emily's search to find Hope uncovered the dark underworld of stolen dogs. They auction dogs like cattle. Emily had known about puppy mills, where dogs were kept in criminally abhorrent conditions and literally bred to death, but only as a distant, shameful concept.

The thought of her dog at a place like that.

Hope had been gone for two years. Even Emily was thinking maybe it was over. Could she give up and go back to her comfortable life, as her friends and husband advised, (dogs get lost all the time, you don't let it ruin your life, for God's sake move on), or would she keep trying to search for Hope? She had her other dogs to train, to compete, and there was a waiting list for puppies. But the dreams were so damn real.


And then she got an email. A lead that changed her life in a way she never imagined.

Because of one very special little dog.



Little Hope is 78,000 words.

I believe this book, told from the both the human and distinctly canine points of view, would appeal to young adults and the world of adult dog lovers.

I have self-published two editions of a collection of short stories, essays, and poems. The first edition of 800 sold out, with twenty-five copies not yet offered for sale. The last three copies to sell on eBay sold for more than $150 apiece. The second edition, which contains thirty new writings, is currently selling. I have been published in national and international dog magazines. I write commentary for my local NPR station, and maintain a blog with a small following, getting from 3500 - 10,000 page views per month, depending on the number of posts.

You had me in the palm of your hand right up to self-published. That's why I'd advise taking it out. Even if you think it unfair, it's true there is a prejudice against previously self-published writers at the query stage. You don't need this in a query; it's not a writing credit. Leave it out. You can always mention it later after your agent has signed you up and sold your book.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

All the best-

wow! You REALLY improved this query. Congratulations on all your effort and hard work!!




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Dear Query Shark:

Childless landowner Emily Hunt lives through her whippets, especially a little bitch named Hope. Other dogs immediately recognize Hope's extraordinary gift: humans can hear her. Humans, hampered by their clumsy reliance on the spoken word, mistake hearing Hope for their own thoughts.

What do "childless" and "landowner" have to do with the story? Are these the two most important things we need to know about Emily? My guess is no, they are not. Therefore, don't put them first in a query letter.

When Hope disappears, Emily is determined to find her, haunted by memories of her first dog, taken away when six-year-old Emily was placed in foster care. She will not have another dog taken from her, though her obsession threatens her friendships and her marriage.

I'm not sure we need to know why Emily is determined to find Hope. It makes sense that if she lives through her dogs, she's not going to just let them be dognapped and not do something about it.

Hope has entered the dark world of stolen dogs: dog auctions, commercial breeding facilities, and puppy mills. After two auctions in as many years she is halfway across the country living in deplorable conditions. But here she connects with Caleb, a scrawny ten-year-old boy, whose alcoholic widower father terrorizes him and criminally neglects his 'breeder dogs'.

Alcoholic and widower! Evil incarnate! Oh wait, it's the "criminally neglects" part that is important isn't it? Focus on what's important. Leave out all the description.

Caleb is determined to save Hope when his father consigns her to yet another dog auction. An Internet search convinces him that his little white whippet is the same one that is advertised as stolen on the pretty lady’s website.

Why does he want to save her?

Caleb thinks Emily hasn’t arrived in time and tries to stop the auctioneer from taking Hope, getting beaten by his dad for his efforts. With the gavel banging, a weak Hope feels Emily’s presence and turns toward her. In horror, Emily realizes that the pathetic dog is her Hope. A dirty little boy with a blood-smeared face is screaming as loud as she is.

You've given us a synopsis of the book, not a reason to read it. You'd do well to revise this and focus on the dilemma Emily faces, not the series of events that happen. Right now this doesn't make me wonder "what happens next" because you've told me.

Little Hope. The manuscript is 78,000 words.

Thank you for your valuable time.
My time isn't any more valuable than yours.

Use this: Thank you for your time and consideration.

Better, but still a form rejection.
Remember the goal in a query letter is to entice me to read this book. Clearly it's a subject you're passionate about. Get some of that passion on the page. This is a list of events, not a siren call to the page.

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ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

Emily Hunt lives through her dogs. Whippets. Elegant, art deco creatures built for speed with eyes deep as God and just as knowing. Emily's youngest whippet, a little bitch named Hope, blasts into the quirky world of sighthound enthusiasts and quickly establishes her unlikely self as a star. Dogs instantly recognize Hope's extraordinary gift: humans can hear her. Humans, with their diminished capacities, are clueless.

I'm confused. (This is not a good sign) Who is the book about? Hope or Emily? Because you start with Emily and the fact that she "lives through her dogs" I'm thinking this is a story about Emily. Then it sounds like it's a story about Hope's ability to communicate with people (I"m going to forgo the Bitch Whisperer jokes here because, despite the last sentence, I don't think you're going for a sardonic tone.)

Emily lives on a secluded estate in Virginia's Shenandoah Valley, passed down to her husband over generations of horsey landed gentry. Though the couple is childless, Emily has her dogs, her rescued thoroughbreds, and her friends. Her husband, Edgar Emerson Hunt, III, has a busy law practice in Washington, DC. Life is good.

This is pointless. What happens?

Hope vanishes from the yard, and Emily's world disintegrates. When a well-meaning friend says, "It's just a dog," Emily slaps her, hard. She will find her dog. It is a matter of trust.Through her searching, Emily's own past as a foster child in Baltimore is revealed.

A matter of trust? I don't understand what you mean. The dog trusts Emily to find her?


Hope survives in the seedy underworld of dog auctions, commercial kennels, and puppy mills. At the end of the end, a back yard puppy mill in Missouri where she's one of 110 dogs in a rickety garage, Hope meets Caleb, a scrawny ten-year-old boy, whose alcoholic widower father terrorizes him and criminally neglects his 'breeder dogs'. Caleb hears Hope, loves her, and is determined to save her when his father consigns her to yet another dog auction.

whoa! Missouri? Caleb? Where's Emily? What does any of this have to do with the first two paragraphs?

The dramatic conclusion gets Emily past the gun-toting guard at the auction barn just in time to not recognize Hope on the auction block. When she 'hears' her dog, she can't hear her own screams, and dismisses the vision of a dirty little boy with a fresh black eye who is screaming as loud as she is.

You're mixing show and tell here, and neither come out well. Emily doesn't recognize Hope. She can't hear her. Why is she screaming if she doesn't recognize the dog? Why is she having a vision? Do you mean she is seeing the boy?


The conclusion is relentlessly rewarding.

Please please please don't tell me how I'm supposed to respond to a book. It just makes me say "wanna bet?" SHOW me what I might find relentlessly (an odd modifier for) rewarding, instead of TELLING me.

Little Hope. The manuscript is 78,000 words.




(two paragraphs from novel redacted)

Don't include lines from the book in your query letter. Include the first 3-5 pages, at the end.

Thank you for your valuable time.

all the best-


Who is the main character? What happens to her? What choices does she need to make and what are the consequences.

Have I yammered about that enough? I guess not.

Answer those questions. That's the basis for the query letter.

People like to read about dogs. You might have a good story in here. This query letter is like an Springer Spaniel with a winter coat. It needs a bout with the clippers to spruce it up.

Form rejection.

#110-Revised twice

SECOND REVISION

Dear Query Shark,



The first time Megan tried to kill herself, she was in elementary school. By the time she was in middle school, she began to slip razorblades through her skin. Before she graduated high school, she manically shaved off her eyebrows. She refused to leave her bed for days at a time. She clung to friendships with people who did not exist. She had multiple suicide attempts. She developed a reliance on prescription drugs and an addiction to recreational drugs…



Yet, to her best friend, Angela, nothing ever seemed out of the norm.

ellipses continue a sentence, they don't break a paragraph. You're clearly going for dramatic effect here (which is fine) so I suggest you try it this way:


The first time Megan tried to kill herself, she was in elementary school. 
the reason I suggest breaking here is that the idea of a child suicide is pretty shocking

By the time she was in middle school, she began to slip was slipping razorblades through her skin. Before she graduated high school, she manically shaved was shaving off her eyebrows. 
The break here is to ease the transition from was -ing verbs to past tense -ed verbs.

She refused to leave her bed for days at a time. She clung to friendships with people who did not exist. She had multiple suicide attempts. She developed a reliance on prescription drugs and an addiction to recreational drugs… yet, to her Megan's best friend, Angela, nothing ever seemed out of the norm.

Put Megan's name in again so we recall it easily when you move to the next paragraph.

INSIDE THIS PURPLE ROOM looks back at the lives of two teenagers: Megan – a rebellious outsider and diagnosed schizophrenic – and her unlikely best friend, Angela – an introvert who seeks normalcy, but who instead commits herself to the adventures, turmoil and instability that are the result of her most valued friendship.

Ok, right here is where you lose me. Megan doesn't seem rebellious to me. She seems mentally ill. Why does Angela stay friends with someone who is so clearly unbalanced? You can't just say adventures, turmoil and instability. Those are NOT attractive qualities, particularly to someone whom you describe as seeking normalcy (and let's not even get in to how much I loathe that word. It reeks of psycho-jargon to my ear)


The manuscript novel begins when Angela is a twenty-year old college student. She returns home to New Jersey for Christmas, though, despite the inherent cheer of the holiday, cannot celebrate. <---this after="" anniversary="" around="" br="" days="" falls="" her="" holiday.="" just="" megan="" of="" one="" rather="" revolve="" s="" strictly="" suicide="" the="" thoughts="" which="" year="">
<---this after="" anniversary="" around="" br="" days="" falls="" her="" holiday.="" just="" megan="" of="" one="" rather="" revolve="" s="" strictly="" suicide="" the="" thoughts="" which="" year="">
This is bereft of emotion; it's so detached it feels like you're an observer. Angela is grieving the loss of her friend particularly at the one year anniversary of her death.

While the world around her prepares for Christmas, Angela forces herself to visit a psychologist, where she reflects on her life with Megan. Fueled by her more mature understanding of the inner workings of her childhood, Angela invites the reader to step past the manicured forefront of suburban culture. Here, the reader is able to witness the troubles that haunt today’s youth, the changing role of the American family and the frequently overlooked aspects of childhood mental illness.

This isn't compelling. This is a report. The reader doesn't feel anything. People want to connect emotionally; this fails to do that.



But more, the reader is able to witness the unbreakable friendship that existed between two teenage girls.

Right here in a nutshell is the problem: the reader doesn't witness anything in a good book. The reader is PART of the book. The reader is enfolded into the story right along with the characters. The reader should FEEL what the girls feel, not observe them.

The story is weaved together by a series of brief chapters, which consist of Angela’s fragmented memories of her life with a mentally ill best friend. It is by way of these recollections that she reflects on Megan’s disturbing childhood behaviors. Perhaps more importantly, though, Angela finally begins to reflect on her own adolescent habits. Namely, her tendency to interpret Megan’s increasingly upsetting behaviors as signs of her friend’s creative nature rather than what they really were – the early and complex signs of a troubled and deeply disturbed teenage girl.

I cannot suggest strongly enough that you write very simple declarative sentences in a query letter. Leave out every single extra word. Only when you have the bones -what you absolutely must have for coherence- can you add in what enhances rather the obfuscates the meaning.

Here's what I mean: A series of brief chapters connect the main episodes. The chapters are Angela's memories of Megan. These chapters show Megan realizing she saw Angela as creative rather than troubled. (and then, the problem with that is...what?)

I have worked closely on this project with (redacted) who urged me to begin to submit this manuscript. He is the author of more than twenty books and the recipient of the National Magazine Award (2008). He has described INSIDE THIS PURPLE ROOM as “honed to excellence… and is in my opinion as an editor and writer of many books, of publishable quality… [It] is well-written, moving, insightful, and wise – sorrowful but tempered with hope and very relevant to our times – and most importantly, a pleasure to read.”

Unless the agent knows this guy, the endorsement is meaningless. And "worked closely with" can mean a lot of things. You don't need anyone's endorsement for a novel.


I am a part-time faculty member at (redacted) where I teach writing. I have a Master of Fine Arts degree in Creative Writing: Nonfiction and am a reader for the Literary Review. To date, my essays, poems and interviews, as well as chapters excerpted from my manuscript, have appeared in a number of literary and arts journals including (redacted) . Additionally, a chapter from my manuscript titled (redacted) was recently selected for inclusion in the anthology(redacted) . I have held positions with New York and New England based book publishers and have completed freelance projects for multiple companies and publications, including IN STYLE.



INSIDE THIS PURPLE ROOM is my first book-length work.



Thank you for taking the time to consider my writing.





Sincerely,


Still a form rejection.
-------------------------




FIRST REVISION
Dear Query Shark:


Megan is a foul-mouthed, cynical outsider. Her best friend, Angela, is a timid introvert who is willing to do anything her friend suggests. Together, these teenagers have dreams of escaping the limits of their dead-end suburban New Jersey town. But when the signs of a debilitating mental illness begin to surface in one of them, the two must struggle to keep their friendship alive amidst the obstacles presented by illness, growing up and growing apart – even if it means ignoring the disease that ultimately takes one of their lives.
If you want me to care about what happens to either one of these people, you can't sound like you're reciting events in a clinical review.


Inside This Purple Room invites the reader on a journey through childhood mental illness and explores how the unbreakable friendship between two young girls prevented either of them from ever accepting the disease that consumed their lives.

You just said that, only better, in the first paragraph, but you still don't need to say any of it.

At ages twelve and thirteen, Megan and Angela take part in somewhat clichéd rebellious activities: smoking cigarettes, skipping school, sneaking out, stealing their parents’ booze. But as the two prepare to enter high school, Megan’s behaviors become more disturbing. She slips razorblades through her skin. She refuses to leave her bed for days at a time. She manically shaves off her eyebrows. She clings to friendships with people who do not exist.

Focus. Start with the problem: Megan starts slipping razorblades under her skin. She refuses to get up for days at a time. She talks to people who aren't there. Leave out all the other stuff. It's just white noise.


Angela is terrified of loosing the only true friend she’s ever had. As a result of her fear, Angela begins to interpret Megan’s increasingly upsetting behaviors as signs of her friend’s creative nature rather than what they really are: the early and complex signs of a troubled and deeply disturbed teenage girl.





But Megan’s illness spirals out of control and leads to a string of suicide attempts, multiple stays in psychiatric wards, frightening delusions, a reliance on prescription drugs, and an addiction to recreational drugs. Angela must try to save her friend without breaking the trust of their friendship, while also attempting to hold onto her dreams of leaving her hometown.

Why does Angela have any responsibility at all for a teenager who is mentally ill? Would she have responsibility if Megan had cancer? No, she wouldn't. If she feels responsible, why isn't someone telling her she's not?

Even when Angela does leave to pursue her college dreams in a quaint New England setting, she is haunted by the dichotomy of her life: lively romps on the campus green one minute, calls from psychiatric ward payphones the next; the innocent pressures of final exams juxtaposed with the more urgent pressures of a friend who continues to threaten her own life.

lively romps on the campus green? What is this Tammy Goes to College?

A coming of age story of two young outsiders, Inside This Purple Room is narrated by Angela and is framed around three of her visits to a psychologist. Here, she returns, via memory, to her adolescent search for normalcy amongst a life defined by illness. In doing so, she finally begins to understand the truth of her childhood and the fact that the disease she watched control her friend’s life was perhaps really shaping and controlling both their lives all along.

You don't need to tell us the structure of the novel. In fact, if you're doing something like telling it in flashbacks it's probably better to let us discover that later.




I have worked closely on this project with (redacted) who urged me to begin to submit this manuscript. He is the author of more than twenty books and the recipient of the National Magazine Award (2008). He has described Inside This Purple Room as “honed to excellence… and is in my opinion as an editor and writer of many books, of publishable quality… [It] is well-written, moving, insightful, and wise – sorrowful but tempered with hope and very relevant to our times – and most importantly, a pleasure to read.”





I am a part-time faculty member at (redacted) where I teach writing. I have a Master of Fine Arts degree in Creative Writing: Nonfiction and am a reader for (redacted). To date, my essays, poems and interviews, as well as chapters excerpted from my manuscript, have appeared in a number of literary and arts journals. Additionally, a chapter from my manuscript titled “Sunday Morning” was recently selected for inclusion in the anthology In Our Own Words: A Generation Defining Itself (MW Enterprises). I have held positions with New York and New England based book publishers and have completed freelance projects for multiple companies and publications, including In Style.

Inside This Purple Room is my first book-length work. It is fully complete and ready for review upon your request.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,

In the end we have no sense of these characters. You're talking about them objectively, clinically. You're observing, not showing us.

A query letter needs to be enticing. This isn't.
It's better, but it's still a form rejection.


ORIGINAL
------------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

“When people ask me how long I knew Megan was depressed, my answer often varies. Sometimes, I say a year, sometimes five years, sometimes forever and other times I say only for a moment, right towards the end. I try to place my finger on it. Attempt to sort through the mess in my head, carve a path through the clutter and find the minute it all came crashing down. That solitary second that would enable me to place blame, to find a reason, to understand how it all went slip-sliding away from me.
I try to remember the beginning of it all.” – from Inside This Purple Room


Don't start your query with a quote from the book. Never ever. If you want to include a quote (and I don't think you should) put it farther down in the body of the letter so I have some idea of what I'm reading.

To Whom It May Concern:
I'll just assume you're using this rather than Dear Query Shark. Agents LOATH "to whom it may concern" salutations. I'll take Hi Sweetums, or even Hey Nate Dawg, before To Whom it May Concern. You know who you are querying; use his/her name. Dear Reptilian Agent Who's Standing Betwixt Me and Fame is better than TWIMC.

At age twenty, Megan Elizabeth Kelly claimed her life with a bottle of prescription pills. One year later, her closest friend began a journey to put back together the pieces of both their lives.
She didn't claim her life. She took it. The phrase"claim a life" is used with things like illness or war or the action of a third party. When you use it here, it sounds pretentious.

My first book-length manuscript,Inside This Purple Room, chronicles the lives of two teenage girls and their search for identity and friendship amidst a debilitating and ultimately fatal mental illness that surfaces in one of them.

The fact this is your first book doesn't have anything to do with what you write next. Move that to the closing paragraph. It's not the most important thing to know.



Throughout Inside This Purple Room, the narrator returns, via memory, to her adolescent search for normalcy amongst a life defined by illness. In doing so, she reaches new insights about her youth while coming to terms with her blemished past; but perhaps, more importantly, she begins to find meaning from the pain of her experience that: “Sometimes, in the end, even love is not enough.”

"amongst a life defined by illness" misuses among. I think you mean amidst. Even then, can't you say this a bit more simply? Elegant writing is clean, uncluttered.

Use the narrator's name. Use specific examples.

Even love is not enough is a cliche.

The story is framed around three visits to a psychologist in which the narrator reflects on the memories of her youth that shattered in the height of crisis. Through these recollections, the narrator invites the reader to travel back down the familiar roads of childhood to experience a first-hand account of the pressures facing young girls today, the changing face of the American family and the increase and implications of recreational and prescription drug use amongst our nation’s youth; it is by way of these fragmented scenes that the reader begins to question, along with the narrator, if the rise of mental illness in our nation is something that is born or bred.

You're telling us the same thing in this paragraph that you did in the preceding one, and it's not more illuminating. It's all very general. Who is the narrator? What happens to her? Why will we care about her? Those are the questions I ask when I read a query.

You're also not talking about the story. It sounds like an op-ed piece. That's deadly in a novel.
Inside This Purple Room asks the reader to step past the manicured forefront of suburban American culture to witness an unbreakable friendship formed in the height of a dysfunctional childhood characterized by obsessive lies, manic hallucinations, emotional outbursts, exhausting psychiatric visits and disturbing patterns of self-mutilation. In doing so, the reader joins the narrator as she embarks on a passage to make meaning of the illness that interrupted her formative years, took captive her friend’s existence, and introduced them both to life’s painful realities during a time that should have been plagued by innocence.

You're awash in generalities here. The first sentence in this two sentence paragraph has 46 words. The second has 48. When I read a query and see this kind of writing, I know this is what I'll see in the novel itself. There's a place for long-ass sentences in books. Generally speaking it's not back to back.
According to the National Alliance on Mental Health, it is estimated that one in four adults – approximately 57.7 million Americans – suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. Similarly, suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death in the U.S., and the third leading cause of death for individuals aged 10-24 years. Thus, issues similar to those found in my text have touched the lives of many individuals in varying age groups.

All of which means nothing. The story has to come first. The story is the only thing I consider. If it helps illuminate an issue I care about (deeply) that's good, but didacticism doesn't work well in fiction.
Readers have a long history of interest in these topics, based on the success of both fiction and nonfiction texts such as The Bell Jar, Girl Interrupted, Prozac Diary and Prozac Nation, among others; however, to date, many of these texts have been crafted by individuals/narrators who have themselves survived private battles with mental illness. Currently, there is a void in the market for texts that explore mental illness and suicide from an outsider/survivor’s perspective. Inside This Purple Room fills this void, adding a unique voice and fresh commentary to the tapestry of illness narratives.
You're dead wrong about the dearth of books by outsiders:

Broken Glass by Robert Hine
Mad House by Clea Simon
The Normal One by Jeanne Safer
My Sister's Keeper by Margaret Moorman

and this is just a quick survey of Amazon with the key words "mental illness."

And you don't need this kind of comparison title search in a query about a novel. (Non-fiction, yes, novel no) Your story is yours.
Though sorrowful, Inside This Purple Room is also laced with optimism and, for this reason, I believe will be marketable to a range of audiences. The text was crafted with adult audiences in mind, however, may appeal to younger readers as well who will relate to the lives and circumstances of my manuscript’s two main characters.

Leave all this out. It's telling not showing.

The manuscript is 47,000 words and fully complete; at this word count, it is brief enough not to be cost-prohibitive to most publishing houses. I have worked closely on this project with (redacted) who urged me to begin to submit this manuscript. Kennedy is the author of more than twenty books and the recipient of the (redacted) He has described Inside This Purple Room as “honed to excellence… and is in my opinion as an editor and writer of many books, of publishable quality… [It] is well-written, moving, insightful, and wise – sorrowful but tempered with hope and very relevant to our times – and most importantly, a pleasure to read.”

Well, he forgot to tell you that 47,000 words is about half the size of a novel. You need another 13,000 words to get to the minimum word count for a novel, and you'd do better to double it.

And don't worry about a publisher's cost for producing the book. That applies only to book with photographs or lots of illustrations. In fact, a short book is harder to sell because publishers need to charge hard cover prices for what looks like a small book.

I am a part-time faculty member at (redacted) where I teach writing. I have a Master of Fine Arts degree in Creative Writing: Nonfiction and am a reader for (redacted) To date, my essays, poems and interviews, as well as chapters excerpted from my manuscript, have appeared in a number of literary and arts journals. Additionally, a chapter from my manuscript titled “Sunday Morning” was recently selected for inclusion in the anthology (redacted). I have held positions with New York and New England based book publishers and have completed freelance projects for multiple companies and publications, including In Style. Though Inside This Purple Room will be my first major publication, I feel strongly that my fierce dedication to the writing process as well as my professionalism will make me a desirable client. And, of
course, I believe strongly in the potential of this project.



A coming of age story of two young outsiders, Inside This Purple Room investigates the often-ugly interior of the highly sought American dream. Through a series of relived stories, painful visits to childhood haunts and recounted memories, the narrator learns to understand the truth of her childhood, and, in doing so, begins to realize the disease that overtook her friend’s life, the one which she believed only existed for a moment in time, was perhaps really there, thriving and growing more powerful, and shaping both their lives, all along.

Uh..what is this doing here? It restates something you already mentioned and you've put it after what's essentially the closing paragraph.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. May I send you a copy of the completed manuscript?

Sincerely,


This is too short for a novel, and I don't have a sense of who the novel is about. There's nothing that connects me to the characters, and thus I don't care about them.

Focus on the actual story. SHOW me what the story is about don't tell me how important it is.

This is a form rejection.

#88-Revised Twice

Dear Query Shark:

Anne Wells expects nothing from life but to be married to the man she loves and to do what society expects in Regency England. Her easy plan becomes nearly impossible, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars. She is left a helpless, unclaimed woman in a world full of predatory men and is nearly forced by her parents into marriage to the unbearable Sir Thomas.

Why?? Why do her parents want her to marry the unbearable Sir Thomas?

I'm seeing a lot of this lately: events in books (or worse, queries) that are there because the writer needs them for the book NOT because the story needs the event to be cohesive. The story has to make sense. People don't just get married off to evil villains for no reason. It's the REASON that makes the story compelling!!

Her salvation comes in the shape of a “business proposal” from a handsome, near-stranger. named Edward Hill, who proposes a platonic marriage until her soldier returns to make her his again. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse, she accepts his hand.

Why on earth would some guy want a platonic marriage? What's in it for him? Again, the reason anyone would do this is why the story will be interesting.


There are a few aspects of her new endeavor, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier never returns from battle, and what if her marriage of convenience becomes something more? Anne must learn to face the endless complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where reputation is everything, and marriage is viewed as a business transaction.



I sought you as an agent because you were seeking my genre and I feel that we could work well together. My manuscript for Loyalty is 90,000 words and is available upon request.



Thank you for your consideration and your time.

Form rejection.
-----------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Anne Wells is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life. Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars, and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men. When she is nearly forced into marriage by her parents and the unbearable Sir Thomas (who views her as an object that he must possess) she readily accepts a “business proposal” from a man she hardly knows to remedy her sad situation. This man, Edward Hill, would act as a surrogate husband and would concede to annul the marriage upon her soldier’s return. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse than Mr. Hill, she accepts his hand. There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle and leaves her to endure a platonic marriage? And what if
Edward wants the business proposal to be something more?


What have I been telling you about big ass blocks of text?
All together now: DO NOT DO THIS.

Here's the opening paragraph with the white space you need in an email query:

Anne Wells is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life. Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars, and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men.

When she is nearly forced into marriage by her parents and the unbearable Sir Thomas (who views her as an object that he must possess) she readily accepts a “business proposal” from a man she hardly knows to remedy her sad situation.

This man, Edward Hill, would act as a surrogate husband and would concede to annul the marriage upon her soldier’s return. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse than Mr. Hill, she accepts his hand.

There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle and leaves her to endure a platonic marriage? And what if Edward wants the business proposal to be something more?

In the end, Anne learns the difference between fantasies and real life, and must face the complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where marriage is viewed as a business transaction.

I sought you as an agent because you expressed an interest in romance and historical fiction. My manuscript for Loyalty is 90,000 words and is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration and your time.

Now here's the critiqued version which has more white space cause I interjected my surly comments as well:

Anne Wells is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life.

This is tell not show. Telling not showing is a cardinal sin. What does she DO that would show us she's shy and naive about marriage and life.

Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars, and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men.

If she's a woman in paragraph two, why is she a shy naive teenage girl in paragraph one? Why is she helpless. She's got parents.

When she is nearly forced into marriage by her parents and the unbearable Sir Thomas (who views her as an object that he must possess) she readily accepts a “business proposal” from a man she hardly knows to remedy her sad situation.

So, why do her parents want to force her into marriage with the unbearable Sir Thomas. And if they can force her to do stuff, how exactly is she going to marry this other guy without permission?

And why on god's green earth would she even be tempted to marry anyone at all other than her honey pie? And when honeypie comes home from the wars expecting a shy naive virgin, and sees instead a pregnant woman saying "I had to do something to avoid the unbearable Sir Thomas" he's going to smack from here to next Tuesday.

This man, Edward Hill, would act as a surrogate husband and would concede to annul the marriage upon her soldier’s return. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse than Mr. Hill, she accepts his hand.

No other choice? She hasn't even started to consider choices. The nunnery sounds good for a start.

There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle and leaves her to endure a platonic marriage? And what if Edward wants the business proposal to be something more?

She sounds like a twit, frankly. I'm not sure twits can carry an entire novel without your readers wanting to defenestrate her.

In the end, Anne learns the difference between fantasies and real life, and must face the complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where marriage is viewed as a business transaction.



I sought you as an agent because you expressed an interest in romance and historical fiction. My manuscript for Loyalty is 90,000 words and is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration and your time.


Form rejection.



________________________

Original


Dear Query Shark,

I thought you might be interested in representing my novel, Loyalty, since you expressed an interest in romance and historical fiction. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Put the title of the book and the word count at the end. Start off with with the book is about.

Loyalty is about Anne Wellesley, who is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life. Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the War of 1812,

the British don't call it the War of 1812; they call it The Napoleonic Wars*
(There's a very good post in the comment section that corrects this)


and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men. When a man she hardly knows, Edward Hill, offers to marry her to save her from the overzealous marriage plans of a scheming, decrepit knight

knight is a social order in 1812, not a military category; the British army and navy do not have "knight" as a rank*
(and the post in the comments section clarifies and corrects this too; make sure to read it)


and annul the marriage upon her lover’s return, she readily accepts. There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle? And what if she falls in love with the wrong man?

Why the hell would she do this? You'll need to be much more specific about the danger she faces alone to make us believe she'd consider marrying someone for protection. Where's her family for starters?

In the end, Anne learns the difference between fantasies and real life, and must face the complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where marriage is viewed as a business transaction.

I have no writing credentials to recommend me except for my passion for reading and writing.

You don't need to mention that. If you have credentials, mention them. If you don't just leave this blank. You don't need credentials to write a novel.

Thank you for your consideration and your time.


*I'm sure you know that getting historical details wrong makes me crazy. CRAZY. It's instant rejection cause I know I'll be verifying every last detail through the book and I just do not want to do that. You HAVE to get this stuff right.


Form rejection.

#84-Revised twice

Revision 2:

Dear Query Shark,

The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.

Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia. At least she'd have her childhood hero, Professor Robert Harmon M.D., her former stepfather and the man who cured her otherwise terminal illness, to guide her along the way.

Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Putnam University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate settles into her new life in academia, Dr. Rob and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the group and their preternatural condition. A feat made more difficult by the bizarre murders plaguing the University and Kate's unusual immunity to their hypnotic powers.

To make matters worse, Kate's falling in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one -- her mysterious visions of a vampiric chivalrous knight or the ever present letch, oozing sex appeal and lustful abandon.

As with most lawyers, who always seem to find out what you least want them to know, Kate soon discovers the true nature of the Covenant. Worse still, the Covenant's enemies and rival vampires realize that Kate, and her unusual immunity to vampiric powers, pose a threat to themselves and a weapon against the Covenant. Kate has no choice but to seek the Covenant's protection.

With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them, Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.

As Kate fights for her very life,(cliche!!) she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted ex-stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?

Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance. The full manuscript is available upon request. (of course it is!) I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Putnam University.

Very Truly Yours,

There's more of your wit showing through in this one.

There's a huge debate in our office about whether vampires are dead (ha). What I mean of course, is whether the vampire category is last year's hot topic. I'm not taking anything vampiric unless it's a wildly new approach just cause the editors I talk to always need to hear something very new and fresh right now.

To that end you might focus less on the backstory and more on the reason's Kate survived cancer. Get to the fresh and original part and focus there.


-------------------------------------------------
REVISION 1:
Dear Query Shark:

The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.

What is she?

Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia.



Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Hudson University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the murders plaguing the University since her arrival.


He's her ex-physician? He's a physician and her ex-stepfather, most likely. Consider: Her former stepfather, physician Dr. Robert Harmon and his secret vampire society.

Why do they care if she knows?

To make matters worse, Kate's fallen in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one.

Why? She's having vampire orgies?

With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them (them who?), Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.

Why does falling in love with a vampire make her an enemy of the secret vampire society. If anything, it's rather flattering isn't it? You haven't mentioned that perhaps she's come into some dangerous knowledge about the murders.

As Kate fights for her very life, she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?



Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance. The full manuscript is available upon request. I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.

Unless you get money from someone for calling this place Hudson University, I wouldn't. We all know it's the Law & Order name for Columbia. There are a lot of other perfectly good names for Universities: Query Shark College comes to mind instantly.

Very Truly Yours,


I'm very impressed with the improvement but you need another polish, maybe two.


--------------------------------------------------------

ORIGINAL


(name) ESQ.

ATTORNEY AND COUNSELOR AT LAW

(address) New York 10541
TELEPHONE: (redacted) (email redacted)
FACSIMILE: (redacted)



October 20, 2008

VIA Email to (Query Shark)

Submissions: Attn. Query Shark


Re: Submission for BLOODLINES: A Hudson University Novel

You've squandered the first 16 lines of your email with your return address and the date. My email window shows the first 20 lines of an email.

Don't do this.

ALL email queries should have your contact info at the conclusion of the email.

Dear Query Shark:

Nothing could have prepared Kate Harmon, a childhood cancer survivor and recent law school graduate, for the passionate and dangerous world of her stepfather’s past when she leaves behind the glitz of her mother’s Hollywood life to take a teaching position with him in the hallowed halls of Hudson University. Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance thriller and the first in the Hudson University series. The full manuscript is available upon request.

There's no such thing as a paranormal romance thriller. Categories are "paranormal romance" or "thriller" or "urban fantasy" or "commercial fiction". One or two words. No more.

Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae. Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery. All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival. Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life. As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both. Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?

This large block of text is literally unreadable on a computer screen. It's like a big inkblot.
White space is CRUCIAL in an email query.


Compare the above to this:

Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae.

Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down.

Well, I'm not sure how "a quiet life of introspection" fits in with "live in faculty mentor" but ok.


While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery.

You've got six characters introduced in fewer than 100 words. This is a common mistake in queries: trying to get everything on the page. Focus. Your main character. What's her problem? What choices does she face? What's her dilemma? Leave out all the rest.

All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival.



Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life.


As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both.

Do you mean allied against her? Allay means to calm a strong emotion, for example, anger, or diminish and set at rest somebody’s fears or suspicions; or, to relieve or reduce the severity of pain or a painful emotion.

Misusing words is one of the things that sends a query letter to the rejection pile no matter how enticing the subject matter may be. Words are your tools and if you aren't using them correctly, it bodes ill for the novel.



Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?

I thought the Covenant was the antagonist? I'm confused.


I am not yet a published author. Most of my recent written work has focused on legal writing as the law clerk for a federal judge and attorney. Prior to my legal pursuits, I was a university student service administrator. I now maintain my practice while also teaching as an adjunct professor in (redacted) New York, where I live with my wife and two children.



I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.



Very Truly Yours,





(redacted), Esq.


This is pretty much a mess from start to finish.
There are some pretty good examples in postings #1-#83 that can help you revise.
Right now this is an instant rejection.