#144-Revised Thrice

Dear Query Shark:

Hurled twenty years into the future, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault.

His home, the island of Cybraxas, teeters at the brink of civil war. Magical creatures have secretly co-existed with humans for centuries, but the illusion of peace crumbles when a rebellious faction fights to overturn their primary law: Humans are not food.

Why? What changed? Are they hungry? Hungrier? Did humans destroy their normal food? What happened to create the rebels?

And "civil war" implies a country or a place fighting itself. This doesn't sound like that. It sounds like the alligators have come out of the NYC sewers and are looking for some payback. That's not a "civil war", even to this reptilian NYer.

Trapped in a time loop, many versions of Jakorus have tried to change the future, but they only make things worse. In order to restore the original timeline, Jakorus learns he must murder innocents, betray friends, and repeat the same immoral choices that the original Jakorus made. If he fails, the rebellion could blossom into civil war.

And so, what's the problem here? If he made the immoral choices the first time, surely it's easier the second? You've missed the key part of the story: Jakorus has had some sort of transfiguring moment, and has renounced his earlier evil self. (Think Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven-he hangs up his guns and becomes a farmer)

But through it all, Jakorus has his own problem: in the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.

This part I do like a lot.

TIME TOURISM is a YA urban fantasy novel of approximately 123,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Big Love meets Portnoy's Complaint, ok. (alright I'm just teasing you here)

Best Regards,


better, but still needs work.

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Dear Query Shark,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault.

Hurled twenty years in to the future, young

The island of Cybraxas teeters at the brink of civil war. Mythical creatures have secretly co-existed with humans for centuries, but maintaining an illusion of peace becomes increasingly difficult when a rebellious faction wishes to overturn their most strictly enforced law: Humans are not food.

We don't know what the island of Cybraxas is. Is it young hurler Jakorus' home? If so, it's better to name it "young hurlers home island" so we know. The name of the place is the least helpful identifier here.

Also, if a creature is mythical it doesn't exist. If it exists, it's not mythical.

And you're burying the most important part of the story: creatures want to eat people.

His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, warns Jakorus against the seductive power of manipulating destiny. Altering the outcome of events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse. To prevent the rebellion from blossoming into civil war, Jakorus learns of innocents he will murder, friends he’ll be required to betray, and the immoral choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline.

This paragraph is as convoluted as the time loop you're describing. What you want to say here is that the Hurler isn't the first Jakorus to come forward, or go backward in time to try and fix things. All that travelling through time has only made things worse. Now, he not only has to fix the problem, he has to un-convolute the mess his previous selves made. And that means murder, betrayal, and best of all, immoral choices!

Returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people, Jakorus has his his own problem own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history: In the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.



Set in modern day, TIME TOURISM is a YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

Your Chum
1313 Query Hell Lane
Craptastic, BS 12345-6789

this address still cracks me up


You're getting better, and it's sounding more like something I'd actually look at but it's still not there yet.


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Dear Query Shark,

Azomyn Jakorus is a young being from an immortal race that lives secretly among humans. One day he is magically catapulted through time twenty years. His older self is there waiting for him to tell him about the dangers of trying to change the past, something that had been tried again and again by other Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created. He is shown what is meant to happen in his life; people he has to murder, people he cares about that he needs to betray, and the wrong choices that he must repeat, otherwise his world and everyone he knows will suffer for his cowardice.

What's an immortal race? Are the beings immortal? If so, they better not get too old or you'll have a real problem.

And I'm not sure the "people he has to murder" are going t much care that if they don't die "everyone he knows will suffer for his cowardice." Suffer and be damn quick about it I say.

In other words, this isn't the real conflict. You need a real problem and a real choice in the first paragraph.

While in the future, Jakorus makes many unusual friends and trains with his older self and Master Kale, a member of the Council of Elders, trying to become the creature of fortitude and resolution they need him to be. Yet, he often questions himself and their decisions, worried that he is not strong enough for the task. Reluctant to leave his friends, but determined to do what is best for his people, he is returned to his true time with a mission to make things right.

yea yea yea. This is the montage scene in every heroic quest movie ever made. It's boring then. It's boring now. Leave it out.

However, against all advice and fierce pressure, he has his own agenda: to prevent the most unusual love triangle in history. The decisions he makes on his own are foolhardy at best. Perhaps this was to be expected from one so young, but at seventeen he was headstrong, independent, and absolutely positive that what he did was right.

The conflict is "to prevent the most unusual love triangle in all history." Lead with that. And sadly, you're going to need to spell out what it is. What you've got right now is telling not showing.

Time cripples confidence.
This is a pithy phrase, but it doesn't actually mean anything.

Set in modern day, “Time Tourism,” is a YA fantasy. The manuscript is 125,000 words in length. It can stand alone as a single book, but it is meant to be the first in a series. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

Your Chum
1313 Query Hell Lane
Craptastic, BS 12345-67

this just cracks me up.
I think we have a new address for ALL the Chum.


Still a form rejection but it's getting better.
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Dear Query Shark,

I am seeking representation. My completed manuscript, “Time Tourism,” is a fantasy-adventure-romance chapter book with a target audience of young adult readers,

whoa baby! "Chapter book" is a phrase used to describe books for early readers. Having chapters doesn't make it a chapter book. "Fantasy-adventure-romance" is not a category. Romance is. Fantasy is. They're also two very DIFFERENT categories. Just because a novel has elements of fantasy, or adventure, or romance doesn't mean it's in the romance or fantasy category.


but will also appeal to older adults. The manuscript is 125,000 words in length. It can stand alone as a single book, but it is meant to be the first in a series.

Given your word count, this is a YA fantasy novel. Anything else and the word count is a problem.



Set in modern day, a young immortal from a secretive race accidentally travels forward in time twenty years. Trapped there, he makes friends and trains with his elders, trying to become what they need him to be. Upon learning what tragedies have transpired in his own world and ours, he is returned to his true time with a mission from the elders to make things right. However, he has his own agenda: to prevent the most unusual love triangle in history.

This is generic and boring. Start with the characters name. Then be specific about what he has to do. What choices he faces.

I must tell you however that a book that is largely abut a young man learning from his wise elders doesn't sound like something the YA audience will much like. YA novels are generally about characters finding their own way in the world, and thwarting the best intentions of their elders.

I have included the first five pages of “Time Tourism” and a synopsis beneath my query. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


Form rejection

#120-Revised Thrice *WIN*

Dear Query Shark,

Kate Menick makes problems go away. Kate is a project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm. She brokers assassinations, oppresses the working classes, breaks unions, and dabbles in securities.

Kate used to be a space pirate, until Killimall & Associates caught her embezzling from Bellicose Billy's Band of Buccaneers and purchased her immediately. She's good at her work and is not unhappy, although if her coworkers are company whores, Kate is locked into a mutually abusive long-term relationship with her job.

But that could change. In exchange for the opportunity to buy herself out, Kate agrees to take a fall. She'll screw over her own client, the Leprekaner People's Liberation Alliance, as it attempts to destroy the Fundamentalist Militia of the Trolls. The ensuing fiasco will allow her firm to disband its underperforming Earth practice group, and let Kate go for gross malpractice. Everyone wins--except the leprechauns.

And leprechauns are sore losers.

RINSE AND REPEAT, a work of speculative fiction, is complete at 61,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.


The heck with the critique. Send this to me at once!
(You will of course have applied everything you learned here in the tank to your manuscript, right? Of course you have)


The reason I requested this: it sounds fun. It sounds FUNNY. It sounds charming. The author has demonstrated tenacity and courage under fire. She did NOT throw in the towel muttering "damn shark doesn't know flotsam from jetsam."

Speculative fiction is not normally my thing but I just sold TWO count 'em TWO novels that could have been called speculative (of course I didn't, I called them commercial fiction) so I don't let category deter me from something yummy.
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Dear Query Shark,

Kate Menick makes problems go away. As a project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm, Kate's accounts include brokering assassinations, arms dealing, sentient trafficking, breaking unions, suppressing dissent, and the occasional securities fraud.

I hate it when people lead with dependent clauses. Dependent clauses are frail little things, they need to come after big strong sentences: Kate is the project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm; her job is brokering etc etc.

See the difference?

Kate's firm bought her off of a band of space pirates several years back after uncovering her massive (and very successful) embezzlement scheme--which is exactly the kind of initiative they look for in a new hire. While her coworkers consider themselves company whores, Kate finds herself engaged in a marginally abusive long-term transactional relationship.

Break the first sentence into two: scheme. That's exactly

But that could change. In exchange for the opportunity to buy herself out, Kate agrees to take a fall. She'll screw over her own client, the Leprekaner People's Liberation Alliance, in its bid to destroy the Fundamentalist Militia of the Trolls. If all goes according to plan, the ensuing fiasco will allow her firm to disband its underperforming Earth practice group and let Kate go on charges of gross malpractice. Everyone wins--except the leprechauns.


And leprechauns are sore losers.

RINSE AND REPEAT, a work of speculative fiction, is complete at 61,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

(redacted)

Wow. That's MUCH better.
The problem is you need another polish on this. Take out every single word you don't need (like of after off)

Don't lead with dependent clauses.
Say every phrase out loud for rhythm.

I think you're almost there.



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Dear Query Shark:

Kate came home from work to find the leprechaun's severed head bleeding all over her kitchen table. He'd stuck a post-it note stuck on the thing's forehead said: “Happy birthday, Sweetheart. --Spaceman Z.”

Leave off the "he'd" because we don't know who it refers to.

Kate Menick makes problems go away. As a project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm, Kate's accounts include brokering assassinations, arms dealing, sentient trafficking, breaking unions, suppressing dissent, and the occasional securities fraud. She bills everything to the client, though her intern seems incapable of maintaining a simple, up-to-date spreadsheet.

I like this paragraph better for the starting point.

I'm not sure why you have the clause about the intern. It doesn't fit well with what went before, and it makes Kate look like a nincompoop. If she's skilled in making problems go away, and her intern is a problem....well.... bye bye intern right?


Kate recently accepted a contract to resolve an ongoing property dispute between her client, the Leprekaner People's Liberation Alliance, and the Fundamentalist Militia of the Trolls. Specifically, the leprechauns would like Kate to acquisition the head of Oglethorpe, King of the Trollven Ones.

It's too bad this is so clunky with all the names, because the individual pieces are darn funny. If "Fundamentalist Militia of Trolls" doesn't end up on a t-shirt somewhere, I'll eat my chapeau. The problem here is that the pieces don't add up to a good paragraph. You need to smooth it out. One way to do that is to say more. You've got some room here. Use it.

In response, Too bad for Kate, the Trolls retained Spaceman Z, Kate's former colleague (and ex-boyfriend), to assure that their interests are adequately represented—and crush the Leprechaun Resistance once and for all.



RINSE AND REPEAT, a work of speculative fiction, is complete at 61,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


It's clear you've got the makings of what should be a darn funny book. You've given us the set up, but what happens if Kate fails? Does she want Spaceman Z back? Will the leprechauns bleach her blue? We need sense of the stakes. Humor gets my attention, but it won't get you a request if I can't see what the novel is about.

I can count on one cloven hoof the number of times I've asked people to write a longer query letter and this is it.

Form letter rejection, but with niggling feelings that I might have made a mistake.
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Dear Query Shark,

I came home from work to find the leprechaun's severed head bleeding all over my kitchen table. He'd stuck a post-it note on the thing's forehead: "Happy birthday, Sweetheart. --Spaceman Z."

It's been a bad week. I screwed up again.

After setting my house and half the neighborhood on fire (precautions, yeah?), I call Alice. She's canny enough to ignore me, though I know she's there.

Shit.

RINSE AND REPEAT is complete at just over 61,000 words. I would be happy to provide a partial or complete manuscript for further review.

Thank you for your consideration,



Fond as I am of brief and to-the-point queries (and I am) this one errs on the side of naked. You're also writing in the first person voice of your character and generally that's not the best choice. Sometimes it works, yes, and I've had those queries posted here, but this doesn't because you've left us too little to go on.

You need to give me enough to entice me to read on. This doesn't. Form rejection.

#108 REVISED THRICE!

Dear Query Shark,


The Healer's Chamber: A Tale of Souls Restored weaves an inspiring story of five individuals on a metaphysical journey from death to healing and beyond.



Four tragedies — a crash; a gun-point rape; cancer; a fire — befall four souls. When three of the victims find themselves in Dr. Abraham’s elegant office, they wonder how people so different — a devout Muslim consumed by his rage, an impatient Hindu who flaunts her youthful sexuality, and an Irish Catholic whose beauty and motherhood have been ravished — could meet in a place that lies between life and death.



As they cast back and re-live their stories with new honesty, Dr. Abraham’s patients find empathy for their living selves and for one another. But the final session begins with a jolt. Instead of their trusted guide, the fourth victim enters and takes charge. Burned and scarred, with eyes like Satan, he calls himself Dr. Faust. The force of Faust’s will extracts the final measure of truth from everyone, including the deeply imperfect Dr. Abraham.



Stunned by his healing power, Faust realizes that he did not become a demon in the hell-fire that killed his father. He too is a soul. Finally, with clarity and spiritual unity, all five earn their passage from the healer’s chamber. The souls are released – to the arms of deceased of loved ones, to voluntary service in the chamber for newly acquainted soul-mates, and, for one, back to life.


I'm a psychologist with a PhD and two college textbooks to my credit. The techniques of Abraham and Faust are drawn from my knowledge of group therapy. The Healer's Chamber (82,000 words) is my first work of fiction.

I don't think of academic writing as a persuasive publishing credit for trade fiction. This is your call though if you want to include it. The reason I wouldn't is that I have an (perhaps irrational) prejudice against academic writing.

At this stage I'm not concerned with whether the techniques are accurate. I'm only concerned with whether you can write well and the story sounds interesting.

I watched Mary Mack, whom you represent, on YouTube, and based on her discussion and your appreciation of books that explore human relationships, I think you might be interested in my novel. Thanks in advance for considering it. Below is the first page, followed by a synopsis.


This is a lot better. It's still a little dry for my taste but I'm not the right agent for this**, so zipping it up for me isn't a good idea.

I think this is ready for a test run. Good luck!

**novels about inner explorations aren't my strength. I'm more likely to seek out novels about external conflict. Give me a car chase any day.
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SECOND REVISION
Dear Query Shark,

The Healer's Chamber: A Tale of Souls Restored weaves an inspiring story of five lives in a metaphysical journey from death to healing and beyond.

Four tragedies – a crash; a rape; cancer; a fire -- befall four souls. When Mohammad, Joy, and Mary find themselves in Dr. Abraham’s elegant office, they wonder how people so different—a Muslim who revered his stern father, a Hindu who brags of Karma and eternal pleasure, and a devout Irish Catholic with a smile like the Mona Lisa—could meet in a place that lies between life and death. And why is the fourth chair empty?

As they cast back and re-live their stories with new honesty, Dr. Abraham’s patients face the pain they have suffered and the suffering they have inflicted on others. Together they journey from the healer’s chamber, through its portal, to the moment where their souls are cleansed and released.

But the final session is not conducted by their trusted guide. Instead, the fourth victim, the young man who was to have occupied the vacant chair, enters and takes charge. Burned and scarred, with eyes like Satan, he calls himself Dr. Faust. The force of Faust’s will extracts the final measure of truth not only from Mohammad, Joy, and, Mary, but also from Dr. Abraham.

Stunned by his healing power, Faust realizes that he did not become a demon in the hell-fire that killed his father. He too is a soul. With truth comes release to a place that none could have imagined.

I'm a psychologist with a PhD and two college textbooks to my credit. The techniques of Abraham and Faust are drawn from my knowledge of group therapy. The Healer's Chamber (82,000 words) is my first work of fiction.

I watched Mary Mack, whom you represent, on YouTube, and based on her discussion and your appreciation of books that explore human relationships, I think you might be interested in my novel. Thanks in advance for considering it. Below is the first page, followed by a synopsis.

Sincerely,


We've seen their death is a tragedy, but why do they need to look at their lives with new honesty? What delusions did they have? You describe them (a Muslim who revered his stern father, a Hindu who brags of Karma and eternal pleasure, and a devout Irish Catholic with a smile like the Mona Lisa) in a way that doesn't make me see them as deluded or self-deceiving in any way.

This is much better, but I still don't have a sense of the characters as other than one-dimensional. Because they're one-dimensional, I don't care what happens to them. Because I don't care, I'm not enticed to read more and find out what happens.





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First Revision:

Dear Query Shark,

The Healer's Chamber: A Tale of Souls Restored weaves an inspiring story of five journeys from death to healing and beyond.


Four tragedies – a crash; a rape; cancer; a fire -- befall four souls. When Mohammad, Joy, and Mary find themselves in Dr. Abraham’s elegant office, they wonder how people so different—a Muslim who revered his stern father, a Hindu who brags of Karma and eternal pleasure, and a devout Irish Catholic with a smile like the Mona Lisa—could meet in a place that lies between life and death. And why is the fourth chair empty?


As they relive their stories, they must face the pain they have suffered and the suffering they have inflicted on others. Together they journey from the healer’s chamber, through its portal, to the moment where their souls are cleansed and released.


But their final session is not conducted by their trusted guide. Instead, the fourth victim, the young man who was to have occupied the vacant chair, is now in charge. Burned and scarred, with eyes like Satan, he calls himself Dr. Faust. The force of Faust’s will extracts the final measure of truth not just from Mohammad, Joy, and Mary, but from the fifth trapped soul, Dr. Abraham himself. With truth comes release to a place that none could not have imagined.


Ok, how exactly is this inspiring? (Remember your first sentence?)

You've got an odd mix of tone here. The name Dr. Faust of course evokes some sort of pact with the devil, so I'm left wondering if this book is about choices (Faustian bargains) and if so what they are.

I'm a psychologist with a PhD and two college textbooks to my credit. Dr. Abraham's techniques are drawn from my knowledge of group therapy. The Healer's Chamber (82,000 words) is my first work of fiction.



I watched Mary Mack, whom you represent, on YouTube, and based on her discussion and your appreciation of books that explore human relationships and psychology, I think you might be interested in my novel. Thanks in advance for considering it. Below is the first page, followed by a synopsis.


Sincerely,



This is better than the original by a long shot, but I still really don't have a sense of the story here. I still see it described as four characters talking about themselves. We need more sense of what happens and what the stakes are.

This is still a form rejection.
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ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

I watched Mary Mack, whom you represent, on YouTube, and based on her discussion and your appreciation of books that explore human relationships and psychology, I think you might be interested in my novel, The Healer's Chamber: A Tale of Souls Restored. It's is an inspiring story of five interlocking journeys from tragedy to healing and beyond.

Lead with the most persuasive thing. It's never ever where you found the agent's name. If you want to include that (and some agents do like to have it in a query) put it at the bottom. Start with what you've written.


A crash; a fire; a rape; cancer -- four tragedies befall four souls. But when Mohammad Irani, Joy Han, and Mary Josephson find themselves in Dr. Isaac Abraham's elegant office, they wonder why people so different—a Muslim who revered his stern father, a Hindu who brags that Karma will bring eternal pleasure, and a devout Irish Catholic with a smile like Mona Lisa—would come together in such a place. And why is the fourth chair empty?


This is character soup. You don't need to describe AND name them. You can get away with only descriptions ("a Muslim, a Hindu, a devout Catholic") because in this case it appears their religions are actually important to the story.


Their careworn Jewish psychiatrist welcomes them. "You are here to be healed, but my therapy requires that you believe you may in fact have died. You must believe it is possible that we are together in this place until the end of time."

I'm sorry, but this sounds like Hell. Sartre's kind of hell. (He famously said "hell is other people") We need to get something in these earlier paragraphs that is more intriguing than four people doing therapy to the end of time.

As they reveal their memories inside "The Healer's Chamber," Mohammad, Joy, and Mary confront the pain they have suffered and the suffering they have inflicted on others. All wait for what Dr. Abraham calls "the Portal session," when their stories are fully told, and their souls are restored to a pristine state.

I don't know what you mean here.

But that final session is not conducted by their trusted healer. Instead, the fourth victim, the young man who was to have occupied the vacant chair, is now in charge. Burned and scarred, with eyes like Satan, he calls himself Dr. Faust. The force of Faust’s will extracts the final measure of truth not just from Mohammad, Joy, and Mary, but from Dr. Abraham himself.

So this book really is just people telling their stories to a therapist, and then having them break down when confronted by someone who's introduced late in the book?





I'm a psychologist with a PhD and two college textbooks to my credit. Dr. Abraham's techniques are drawn from my knowledge of group therapy. The Healer's Chamber (82,000 words) has been professionally edited. It is my first work of fiction, and it is ready to go.

I really don't like to hear that your book has been professionally edited. For me, it's not the persuasive piece of information you think it is. You think it says "my book is polished and ready to go."

What I infer is "your book was polished by someone else and god help us when we get to the edit letter from the editor, and you don't know how to do this stuff"

Freelance editors tell you a book needs to be edited before agents will look at it. What they are doing is selling their services. Only one of my clients employed an editor and that was for non-fiction.

All my novelists write, revise, and edit their own books.

You can employ all the editors you want, but it's best to leave it OUT of the query letter for a novel.



Thanks in advance for considering my novel. Below is the first page, followed by a synopsis.



Sincerely,


There's no hook here, no compelling reason that makes me want to read this.

Who is the protagonist here? Who is the antagonist? What conflict or choices do these people face? What are the consequences if they make one choice, or the other?

Being able to tell me this in a query letter gives me a map for reading the book, a sense of where I'm going. Without it, we're floundering.

This is a form rejection.

#78-Revised 3x

THIRD REVISION

Dear QS,

Three thousand years ago, Loki, the Norse God of Mischief, created a game called The Social Experiment in which two mortals are selected to partake in a firsthand historical game of "What if?" One is instructed to preserve history; the other, to change it. The game's intent, however, is not to affect history or alter the future; though history can be shifted and the future can be changed, The Social Experiment was devised to provide the gods with greater insight into the human condition.

For this particular iteration, Loki selects an unsuspecting high school sophomore, Elena Fantino, to preserve the fates. Loki transports her to Rome, 44 B.C., tells her the rules of the game, and disappears. To win the game, to return to the home she knows, Elena must ensure that the following questions go unanswered:



What if Julius Caesar hadn't been killed by Brutus?

What if Anne Boleyn had drowned in her youth?

What if Pierre Picaud – Alexandre Dumas' real life Edmond Dantès – hadn't been framed by his friends?



The Social Experiment is a 45,000 word young-adult novel that begins and ends in high school. In between, Elena travels to ancient Rome, medieval England, and Napoleonic France. Difficult choices await her at each destination: letting Julius Caesar die would be much easier if he didn't have a strong resemblance to her father; saving Anne Boleyn wouldn't be hard at all if she didn't bear a striking similarity to Elena's high school nemesis; allowing Pierre Picaud to be named a spy wouldn't be so bad if he weren't such a gallant man. However, if Elena fails to preserve history, she will be stuck in a time and place far different than present day Manhattan.



The completed manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your time and consideration,


Hot damn. This works. Nice revision!


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REVISION

Dear Query Shark,

There is a game played amongst the gods called The Social Experiment. Imagine it as a grand game of "What if?"


What if Julius Caesar hadn't been killed by Brutus?

What if Anne Boleyn had drowned in her youth?

What if Pierre Picaud – Alexandre Dumas' real life Edmond Dantès – hadn't been framed by his friends?


Elena Fantino is about to play her first game of historical "What if?", courtesy of Loki, the Norse God of Mischief. To win the game, to ensure her fate, the above questions must go unanswered. Straightforward enough, but then the game begins. Letting Julius Caesar die would be much easier if he didn't have a strong resemblance to her father. Saving Anne Boleyn wouldn't be hard at all if she didn't bear a striking similarity to Elena's high school nemesis. Allowing Pierre Picaud to be named a spy wouldn't be so bad if he weren't such a gallant man.

To win the game, to ensure her fate, the above questions must go unanswered. This is too generic to mean much. What happens if she does save Caesar? Does she die? Develop zits? Become an indentured servant in the Shark Tank?

This is a key element of a good query letter: why do any of these events or choices matter. Without the answer to the question "so what" the response is 'ho hum' and that's not what you're looking for unless you are the group sing leader at the Mustang Ranch.


The Social Experiment is a 45,000 word young-adult novel that begins and ends in high school. In between, Elena must decide whether winning the game is more important than doing the right thing. Loki provides obstacles at every turn to make sure that she's as conflicted as possible; he's the God of Mischief, after all, and nothing delights him more than hearing his human guinea pigs squeal.

What is the right thing? Drowning Anne Boleyn? Hmmm.

Is Loki a major character? Having him toy with humans just cause he can is pretty boring. It's like a serial killer who is pure evil. Nuance is interesting; complex motivation is interesting. "Cause I want to" ...not so much.
If you would like to see the manuscript or a synopsis, I can send it at your convenience. Thanks for your time and consideration,


This isn't compelling yet. Form rejection.
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ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

Skylar Fox often wishes she were a normal girl going to a normal high school. Her father's a mob boss, her only friend's the DA's son, and she's the laughing stock of Gracemont Prep, school to Manhattan's rich and famous. If that wasn't bad enough, Sky's just been selected by the Norse God of Mischief to partake in a historical game of "What if?" known as The Social Experiment.

You've got WAY too much going on here. The fact that she's the daughter of a mob boss and her pal is the DA's son (problematic at best, reeks of device) doesn't have anything to do with the Norse God of Mischief sending her off on Bill & Ted's Incredible Adventure part deus ex machina.


What if Caesar hadn't been killed by Brutus? What if Anne Boleyn had drowned in her youth? What if The Count of Monte Cristo were a romance? (I'm pretty sure the Count of Monte Cristo is a novel, not a historical figure; the person most closely resembling the story is named Pierre Picaud)

Sky must travel through history to ensure that these questions remain unanswered; she wins if the fates are kept. Her friend, Finneas Huckleberry Finn, (who?) wins if the fates are changed.

History, unfortunately, has a striking similarity to Sky's modern day existence. (I don't understand what that means) Choices that seemed easy - allowing Caesar to die, saving Anne Boleyn - are far more difficult than she'd imagined. (why?) Worst of all, Finn is hiding a terrible secret that could forever destroy their friendship. (He's Luke's father?)

Terrible secrets smack of melodrama. There's just no way to have that phrase in a query letter and have it taken seriously. Be specific. What's the problem. What's he hiding. You can tone down the melodrama and it will actually be more dramatic.
The Social Experiment is a 45,000 word young-adult story that begins and ends in high school.

You do all this in 45,000 words? My left eyebrow took the elevator to the top of my beehive 'do on that statement. You've got a LOT going on for 45K words.

In between, two friends tied together by their inferior social status (what?) travel from ancient Rome to Napoleonic France. Their journey is fraught with danger, intrigue, jealousy, and secrecy. Through it all, Sky discovers who she is and ultimately realizes that her relationship with Finn extends far beyond friendship. (oh great, she's Luke's mother)

If you would like to see the manuscript or a synopsis, I can send it at your convenience. Thanks for your time and consideration,


I also have a thing about made up sounding names like Skylar Fox. Names need to make sense in a story and I don't know about you but the mob bosses we read about here in NYC tend to be Italian and Catholic and name their daughters things like Maria and Francesca and Constanzia. Or saint's names. Last I looked Skylar wasn't a saint and since it's drawn from the Danish and means fugitive, my guess is no mob boss would name his kid that.

And yes, this is picky as hell. Yes, I had to look all that stuff up to tell you why it sounded wrong, but I've said before; I'll say it again, you have to tune up your sense of how a novel works so you see this yourself. You don't have to know why it doesn't work, but you need to be able to look at "Skylar Fox" and think "nahhhh."



This is a form rejection right now.