Dear Query Shark,
I can see the future. Great, right?
Not really.
Five minutes. That's what I get. Five minutes of the future.
Five minutes of fog so thick I can barely see, and, most often, vomit-inducing nausea to greet me when I come back to the present.
It's okay though. It's taken half my life for me to get a grip on this thing I call the Vision, but I've gotten used to it. Got a buddy to clean up after me. Got a girl. Well, she's a hooker, so I suppose
I bought a girl. Even scraped out a decent little life finding the occasional winning slot machine.
At least, it was okay. Until I started seeing the murders.
FIVE MINUTES is complete at just under 56,000 words. I'd be happy to provide a partial or complete manuscript for further review.
Thanks in advance for your consideration,
Holy moly, forget the critique, send this to me, all of it, at once. Word .doc attachment since I read everything on my spiffy new Kindle. NOW. I'm waiting.
Here's the critique: This arrived at 9:19am in my SharkTank mailbox. My normal procedure is a quick scan to make sure it's something I will consider (the shark doesn't chew on non-fiction or memoir, or picture books.) I read this, and posted it at once because I want to read it right now. That's EXACTLY the response you want in an agent: NOW! send NOW!
I was immediately drawn to the voice. It's vibrant and full of energy. More than anything I look for voice.
I don't even care that it's written in the voice of the protagonist, something that is mostly viewed as a gimmick.
I don't care there isn't much here in the way of description. The rudiments of a conflict or a dilemma are here: the murders. I can intuit that's a problem for the main character.
I don't care there's nothing else here, no pub creds, no bio, no nothing. I will read this with alacrity because it has the one essential thing: voice.
Showing posts with label good example. Show all posts
Showing posts with label good example. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
#82
Dear Query Shark:
Narissa is a lot of things—smart, outspoken, thick-skinned—but above all else she's dependable. She's spent half her life caring for her younger sister. Until now. After all, it's kind of hard to take care of someone when you're in another dimension.
No one meant for Narissa to be lifted into this dimension. There's a gateway connecting the worlds, but no one knows where it is. Determined to get back to her sister, Narissa sets out to locate the elusive gate. As she begins her search, Narissa finds herself the object of unwanted attention and gossip, which escalate as people begin to notice the way she's captured the interest of one of their leaders - prickly, reclusive Daman.
Even as she searches for her way home, Narissa finds herself attracted to life in this new dimension. She has friends here, and people who love her. Narissa faces a choice she's never considered before: should she continue putting her responsibilities to her sister first, or allow herself to have the life she really wants?
My young adult fantasy, The Refuge, is complete at 84,000 words. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is quite capable of standing on its own. The Refuge is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Well, this works for me.
I'd read the first five pages or so to get a sense of the writing.
Nice job.
Narissa is a lot of things—smart, outspoken, thick-skinned—but above all else she's dependable. She's spent half her life caring for her younger sister. Until now. After all, it's kind of hard to take care of someone when you're in another dimension.
No one meant for Narissa to be lifted into this dimension. There's a gateway connecting the worlds, but no one knows where it is. Determined to get back to her sister, Narissa sets out to locate the elusive gate. As she begins her search, Narissa finds herself the object of unwanted attention and gossip, which escalate as people begin to notice the way she's captured the interest of one of their leaders - prickly, reclusive Daman.
Even as she searches for her way home, Narissa finds herself attracted to life in this new dimension. She has friends here, and people who love her. Narissa faces a choice she's never considered before: should she continue putting her responsibilities to her sister first, or allow herself to have the life she really wants?
My young adult fantasy, The Refuge, is complete at 84,000 words. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is quite capable of standing on its own. The Refuge is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Well, this works for me.
I'd read the first five pages or so to get a sense of the writing.
Nice job.
Monday, September 1, 2008
#75
Dear Query Shark:
Angie Porter has never wanted kids. Instead, she has an apartment above the bookstore she owns with her friend Peter, two cats, and a boyfriend who doesn't ask for more time or commitment than she's willing to give. Her life is as comfortable and confining as a snail's shell. Then Iraq invades Kuwait and Peter is called to active duty. His anthropologist wife is in Africa and unreachable. Angie reluctantly agrees to take care of Peter's three boys until Maureen comes home. Weeks pass by with no word from Maureen. Angie becomes “not-mom” to kids devastated by their parents’ absence. The pressures of a life she never wanted knock down the protective walls Angie has built around herself. By the time Maureen finally comes home, Angie has lost everything that mattered to her, gained some things she never knew she wanted, and is ready to rebuild her life.
WINNING THE WAR AT HOME is a 68,800-word novel in a vein similar to the work of Laurie Colwin and Cathleen Schine. The first chapter took third place in the Alabama Writers' Conclave's 2008 writing contest.
After twenty-five years as a small business owner, I am now a full time freelancer. I have two mid-grade books scheduled for publication in the next six months and am a regular contributor to Learning Through History, Piecework, and the "Artists on War" department of Military History Quarterly.
I would be pleased to send a partial or complete manuscript of WINNING THE WAR AT HOME for your review. Thank you for your consideration.
And we have a winner. I'm all over this one.
Here's what I like: it's topical for starters, and yet evergreen. The voice is taut, not over-emotional, but we know the emotion is there. It's been seen by what sound like knowledgeable folks. And I just plain want to read it.
Angie Porter has never wanted kids. Instead, she has an apartment above the bookstore she owns with her friend Peter, two cats, and a boyfriend who doesn't ask for more time or commitment than she's willing to give. Her life is as comfortable and confining as a snail's shell. Then Iraq invades Kuwait and Peter is called to active duty. His anthropologist wife is in Africa and unreachable. Angie reluctantly agrees to take care of Peter's three boys until Maureen comes home. Weeks pass by with no word from Maureen. Angie becomes “not-mom” to kids devastated by their parents’ absence. The pressures of a life she never wanted knock down the protective walls Angie has built around herself. By the time Maureen finally comes home, Angie has lost everything that mattered to her, gained some things she never knew she wanted, and is ready to rebuild her life.
WINNING THE WAR AT HOME is a 68,800-word novel in a vein similar to the work of Laurie Colwin and Cathleen Schine. The first chapter took third place in the Alabama Writers' Conclave's 2008 writing contest.
After twenty-five years as a small business owner, I am now a full time freelancer. I have two mid-grade books scheduled for publication in the next six months and am a regular contributor to Learning Through History, Piecework, and the "Artists on War" department of Military History Quarterly.
I would be pleased to send a partial or complete manuscript of WINNING THE WAR AT HOME for your review. Thank you for your consideration.
And we have a winner. I'm all over this one.
Here's what I like: it's topical for starters, and yet evergreen. The voice is taut, not over-emotional, but we know the emotion is there. It's been seen by what sound like knowledgeable folks. And I just plain want to read it.
Friday, May 16, 2008
#27
Dear Query Shark:
Recipe for Disaster, New York City style:
Take one seriously toned single girl. Add a pinch of “please-God-just-kill-me-now” blind dates and some hard core vigilante justice under the cover of darkness. Mix in a handsome cop who should be off-limits and blend violently with a killer skilled in mind-control and focused on destroying New York City. Put on a pair of Manolo Blahniks, your best little red dress, and slam it down.
Alexa Tate is more than human. She can swim underwater without holding her breath, scale a brick building in five seconds flat, and hear the emotions of those about to commit a crime. A secretary by day, she uses her skills to hunt down evil at night. She is stronger, faster, and more lethal than anyone she’s ever met.
Until now.
A non-human hunter has come to town. Using mind-control to inhabit his victims and through them commit unspeakable crimes, the hunter leaves a trail of bodies leading right to Alexa’s door.
Suddenly, Alexa is the prey in an ancient war whose rules she is just beginning to understand.
To stop the hunter and save those she loves, she must uncover the truth about her origins, keep a certain handsome cop from suspecting her of crimes she may have committed, and unleash the tremendous power locked inside of her without becoming what she fears most: a killer.
Living in New York City can be murder.
Shadowing Fate is a paranormal thriller complete at 94,000 words. Thank you for considering my work. I appreciate your time.
Send pages at once.
Do not pause to sleep or eat.
Recipe for Disaster, New York City style:
Take one seriously toned single girl. Add a pinch of “please-God-just-kill-me-now” blind dates and some hard core vigilante justice under the cover of darkness. Mix in a handsome cop who should be off-limits and blend violently with a killer skilled in mind-control and focused on destroying New York City. Put on a pair of Manolo Blahniks, your best little red dress, and slam it down.
Alexa Tate is more than human. She can swim underwater without holding her breath, scale a brick building in five seconds flat, and hear the emotions of those about to commit a crime. A secretary by day, she uses her skills to hunt down evil at night. She is stronger, faster, and more lethal than anyone she’s ever met.
Until now.
A non-human hunter has come to town. Using mind-control to inhabit his victims and through them commit unspeakable crimes, the hunter leaves a trail of bodies leading right to Alexa’s door.
Suddenly, Alexa is the prey in an ancient war whose rules she is just beginning to understand.
To stop the hunter and save those she loves, she must uncover the truth about her origins, keep a certain handsome cop from suspecting her of crimes she may have committed, and unleash the tremendous power locked inside of her without becoming what she fears most: a killer.
Living in New York City can be murder.
Shadowing Fate is a paranormal thriller complete at 94,000 words. Thank you for considering my work. I appreciate your time.
Send pages at once.
Do not pause to sleep or eat.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
#21
Dear Query Shark:
Emily Daggett spent her childhood devouring fantasy novels, and she’s been disappointed with real life ever since--until she stumbles upon a wizard at the Midwestern college where she teaches. The possibilities thrill her: Magic! Adventure!
But reality keeps intruding. The wizard, the college’s sharp-tongued IT director, refuses to play the role of helpful mentor. Worse, Emily learns she’s incapable of doing magic--is, in fact, involuntarily destroying it. When adventure overtakes her, she must finally look at fantasy like a cold-eyed realist, or her bookish expectations about good and evil will get her killed.
The novel, CONVINCED, is a 106,000-word contemporary fantasy. I’m a reporter for The Baltimore Sun, where I’ve won awards for my writing, and as part of the job I regularly blog, do occasional radio interviews and--when asked--speak to large groups without wishing I were dead. Previously I worked in Iowa , the setting for CONVINCED.
I’d be pleased to send you the manuscript. Thank you very much for your time and also for your blog.
This generates an immediate request for pages. Yes, it's not perfect, but it's vivid, fun and it's clear the writer has a sense of joie de vivre. Of course I want to read it.
Emily Daggett spent her childhood devouring fantasy novels, and she’s been disappointed with real life ever since--until she stumbles upon a wizard at the Midwestern college where she teaches. The possibilities thrill her: Magic! Adventure!
But reality keeps intruding. The wizard, the college’s sharp-tongued IT director, refuses to play the role of helpful mentor. Worse, Emily learns she’s incapable of doing magic--is, in fact, involuntarily destroying it. When adventure overtakes her, she must finally look at fantasy like a cold-eyed realist, or her bookish expectations about good and evil will get her killed.
The novel, CONVINCED, is a 106,000-word contemporary fantasy. I’m a reporter for The Baltimore Sun, where I’ve won awards for my writing, and as part of the job I regularly blog, do occasional radio interviews and--when asked--speak to large groups without wishing I were dead. Previously I worked in Iowa , the setting for CONVINCED.
I’d be pleased to send you the manuscript. Thank you very much for your time and also for your blog.
This generates an immediate request for pages. Yes, it's not perfect, but it's vivid, fun and it's clear the writer has a sense of joie de vivre. Of course I want to read it.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
#15
Dear Query Shark:
Architect Ryan Friedricks wanted to add some excitement to his life. He found it. Now it may kill him.
In FAKE, a 77,000-word novel of intrigue, Ryan meets pretty tourist Laurie Carson in Florence, a city that has seen six hundred years of deceit and double-crossing. He takes her to bed and wakes up with his life turned upside-down. Laurie tells him she’s investigating a scam that separates Holocaust survivors from their Nazi-looted art. She persuades Ryan to help her by impersonating a wealthy art collector with his sights set on an extraordinary stolen portrait. But once Ryan finds himself in the middle of a Russian gang war, targeted by a police death squad, followed, beaten, bugged, and hijacked,he and discovers Laurie lied about everything – everything – after she said “Hello.”
FAKE will appeal to fans of the classic “innocent man” story epitomized by North by Northwest and Alan Furst’s The World at Night and Kingdom of Shadows.
The completed manuscript of FAKE, 77,000 words, is available for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
The heck with critiquing this. Send pages at once.
Architect Ryan Friedricks wanted to add some excitement to his life. He found it. Now it may kill him.
FAKE will appeal to fans of the classic “innocent man” story epitomized by North by Northwest and Alan Furst’s The World at Night and Kingdom of Shadows.
The completed manuscript of FAKE, 77,000 words, is available for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
The heck with critiquing this. Send pages at once.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
#7-with 2 revisions
Ms./Mr. XXXX --
Having enjoyed your blog and gotten a sense of your preferences, I hope you might consider representing my science fiction novel, "Ordobat's Folly," complete at 72,500 words. In style, the book could be compared to a Gaean Reach novel by Jack Vance, but with a reluctant hero out of Saul Bellow.
It's just bad form to evoke a Nobel Laureate in a query letter. Even if the comparison is apt, don't. Just don't.
"Ordobat's Folly" follows Mel Ordobat, master brewer of beer, as he tries to save his tavern business from bankruptcy, only to get tangled up in a larger cause. Seeking a new market on a dangerous jungle continent, Mel upsets the plans of a ruthless Galactic corporation. He also gets to know Sabra Demifera, the leader of a resistance movement among the Company's gene-altered workers, known as Shiners for their glossy white skin.
Mel was raised in a peace-loving society, and his ideals come into conflict with the need to defend himself from the Company's increasingly violent pressure tactics. He's not sure himself how much of his determination is due to feelings for Sabra and how much is just plain stubbornness. In the end, Mel and Sabra outwit and outlast the Company's thugs, find a new way to sell his ales, win an important legal victory for the Shiners, and fall inconveniently in love.
There are only seven plots in the world, I know, but you've got to do something in a query letter that makes this sound enticing. This is a list of events. It's Places in the Heart only in space and with a tavern at risk, not the farm. Gone With the Wind except beer instead of draperies. Caddyshack in space without the gopher.
I've been writing professionally since 1999, both as a PR consultant and with articles for the Onion, the Washington Times, and many others. I've also written about beer and brewing, and my years of homebrewing experience inform Mel's expertise. "Ordobat's Folly" would be my first published novel. If you are interested, I'd be happy to provide a synopsis, partial, or complete manuscript.
I think it's hilarious you write for both the Onion and the Washington Times. Except when you say you write for the Onion, I instantly suspect that this query letter is a volley across the gunwales and pirates will soon be posting my response on their blog shouting "avast, we fooled the agent!"
Please feel free to contact me any time. Thank you!
-------------------------------------------------------
Revision #1 (which came with the assurance this was not a prank for The Onion!)
Mr./Ms. Agent --
In a strict and peaceful society on a backwater planet, Mel just wants to be left alone with his obsession: to brew the perfect ale. But harsh competition from cheap, inferior beer threatens to drive him out of business unless he does something drastic. So Mel finds himself flying off to a dangerous jungle, where he gets entangled in an ugly dispute between a ruthless Galactic corporation and their strangely inhuman workers, led by a tough, beautiful half-breed named
Sabra. Unlike the civilized locals, the Company has no qualms about using violence to get their way — and Mel is just trying to sell some beer!
"Ordobat's Folly" is the 72,000-word story of how a reluctant hero comes to fight for something larger than just his beers and bars. The Company's powerful computers predict that Mel will be easy to discourage and the workers easy to keep down; together, Mel and Sabra
prove them wrong.
I've been writing professionally since 1999, both as a PR consultant and with articles for the Onion, the Washington Times, and many others. If you are interested, I would love to provide a synopsis, partial, or complete manuscript. If you prefer, you can see the first chapter and some background information at http:// follybook.blogspot.com.
Please feel free to contact me any time. Thank you!
This is why you send pages. This isn't a stellar query letter (it's better than the original though, by a long shot), so if the writing is really good and funny, I'll read on.
If an agent doesn't ask for pages, or specifically says not to send them, I do like the idea of a blog or a website with pages available. That's a good idea. I've actually started looking at some of those.
---------------------------------------------
REVISION #2
Mr./Ms. Agent --
Mel Ordobat, peaceful brewer on a backwater planet, has no idea that trying to make the perfect ale will lead him to blood, death and love. But when competition from cheap, flavorless beer threatens him with bankruptcy, he flies to a dangerous jungle and tries to make
customers of the glossy-skinned offworlders called Shiners. Unfortunately the Shiners work for a ruthless Galactic corporation that doesn't care for outsiders. Allying with Sabra, a beautiful half-breed woman who's obsessed with freeing the Shiners from servitude, Mel comes to fight for something more than his beers and bars. The Company has no qualms about using violence to get their way, because their computers predict that Mel and Sabra will be easy to
intimidate. They're wrong.
I've written professionally since 1999, reviewing food and drink, covering the DC music scene, working in PR and advertising, and writing supplements for roleplaying games. ORDOBAT'S FOLLY, complete at 72,000 words, is available for your review. You can also see the
first chapter and some background information at http://follybook.blogspot.com.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Yup, you got it!
Having enjoyed your blog and gotten a sense of your preferences, I hope you might consider representing my science fiction novel, "Ordobat's Folly," complete at 72,500 words. In style, the book could be compared to a Gaean Reach novel by Jack Vance, but with a reluctant hero out of Saul Bellow.
It's just bad form to evoke a Nobel Laureate in a query letter. Even if the comparison is apt, don't. Just don't.
"Ordobat's Folly" follows Mel Ordobat, master brewer of beer, as he tries to save his tavern business from bankruptcy, only to get tangled up in a larger cause. Seeking a new market on a dangerous jungle continent, Mel upsets the plans of a ruthless Galactic corporation. He also gets to know Sabra Demifera, the leader of a resistance movement among the Company's gene-altered workers, known as Shiners for their glossy white skin.
Mel was raised in a peace-loving society, and his ideals come into conflict with the need to defend himself from the Company's increasingly violent pressure tactics. He's not sure himself how much of his determination is due to feelings for Sabra and how much is just plain stubbornness. In the end, Mel and Sabra outwit and outlast the Company's thugs, find a new way to sell his ales, win an important legal victory for the Shiners, and fall inconveniently in love.
There are only seven plots in the world, I know, but you've got to do something in a query letter that makes this sound enticing. This is a list of events. It's Places in the Heart only in space and with a tavern at risk, not the farm. Gone With the Wind except beer instead of draperies. Caddyshack in space without the gopher.
I've been writing professionally since 1999, both as a PR consultant and with articles for the Onion, the Washington Times, and many others. I've also written about beer and brewing, and my years of homebrewing experience inform Mel's expertise. "Ordobat's Folly" would be my first published novel. If you are interested, I'd be happy to provide a synopsis, partial, or complete manuscript.
I think it's hilarious you write for both the Onion and the Washington Times. Except when you say you write for the Onion, I instantly suspect that this query letter is a volley across the gunwales and pirates will soon be posting my response on their blog shouting "avast, we fooled the agent!"
Please feel free to contact me any time. Thank you!
-------------------------------------------------------
Revision #1 (which came with the assurance this was not a prank for The Onion!)
Mr./Ms. Agent --
In a strict and peaceful society on a backwater planet, Mel just wants to be left alone with his obsession: to brew the perfect ale. But harsh competition from cheap, inferior beer threatens to drive him out of business unless he does something drastic. So Mel finds himself flying off to a dangerous jungle, where he gets entangled in an ugly dispute between a ruthless Galactic corporation and their strangely inhuman workers, led by a tough, beautiful half-breed named
Sabra. Unlike the civilized locals, the Company has no qualms about using violence to get their way — and Mel is just trying to sell some beer!
"Ordobat's Folly" is the 72,000-word story of how a reluctant hero comes to fight for something larger than just his beers and bars. The Company's powerful computers predict that Mel will be easy to discourage and the workers easy to keep down; together, Mel and Sabra
prove them wrong.
I've been writing professionally since 1999, both as a PR consultant and with articles for the Onion, the Washington Times, and many others. If you are interested, I would love to provide a synopsis, partial, or complete manuscript. If you prefer, you can see the first chapter and some background information at http:// follybook.blogspot.com.
Please feel free to contact me any time. Thank you!
This is why you send pages. This isn't a stellar query letter (it's better than the original though, by a long shot), so if the writing is really good and funny, I'll read on.
If an agent doesn't ask for pages, or specifically says not to send them, I do like the idea of a blog or a website with pages available. That's a good idea. I've actually started looking at some of those.
---------------------------------------------
REVISION #2
Mr./Ms. Agent --
Mel Ordobat, peaceful brewer on a backwater planet, has no idea that trying to make the perfect ale will lead him to blood, death and love. But when competition from cheap, flavorless beer threatens him with bankruptcy, he flies to a dangerous jungle and tries to make
customers of the glossy-skinned offworlders called Shiners. Unfortunately the Shiners work for a ruthless Galactic corporation that doesn't care for outsiders. Allying with Sabra, a beautiful half-breed woman who's obsessed with freeing the Shiners from servitude, Mel comes to fight for something more than his beers and bars. The Company has no qualms about using violence to get their way, because their computers predict that Mel and Sabra will be easy to
intimidate. They're wrong.
I've written professionally since 1999, reviewing food and drink, covering the DC music scene, working in PR and advertising, and writing supplements for roleplaying games. ORDOBAT'S FOLLY, complete at 72,000 words, is available for your review. You can also see the
first chapter and some background information at http://follybook.blogspot.com.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Yup, you got it!
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