#258-Revised once

First Revision

(1) In my closing, should I include a "novel meets novel" line if I've written that it is a loose interpretation of the Arthurian legend?

No

(2) "Jules, who wants to strangle him, agrees," the him is Ulric. I just want to make sure that is clear. To my crit partner she thought it was the prince at first, because um, yeah, Jules wants to strangle lots of people.



It's not clear.


Dear Query Shark,
 
Jules was prepared for an in-and-out job: kill Queen Isabella, avenge parents, achieve happiness.
 
Exiled from Ronan following the execution of her parents, Jules plots the murder of the queen responsible. When she’s eighteen, she returns, but has her plans dashed after a brawl with the guards. Injured, she is forced to accept help from a magician and his pesky band of outlaws. Ulric, their leader, wants her to spy on the prince. Jules, who wants to strangle him, agrees.

You've got a lot of pronouns there at the end. I'm assuming Uliric is bothe the magician and the leader of the pesky band of outlaws? And the "he" that Jules wants to strangle is the Prince? Oh wait, no it isn't (see question above)

So, why does she want to strangle Ulric? Did he kick her dog?

 
Spying is easy. The hard part is actually liking the prince and his obscene turtle jokes. Revenge had always seemed like the only road, and now Jules begins to wonder if she’s gone too far down it. However, Ulric’s plans are already in motion and he is less inclined to take a detour. Armed with only her blades and her wit, Jules finds herself standing between Ulric, his magic, and the crown.

I thought she'd be standing between Ulric and the Prince. It's the Prince she likes, right? Why does this change her mind about the evil Queen? Many people fall in love with someone  who has an evil mother. There's a whole sub-genre of Borscht Belt jokes about that.
 
Wasteland, a YA fantasy novel, is complete at 96,000 words. It is a loose interpretation of the Arthurian legend. As per your request I’ve included --- sample pages. Thank you for your time and consideration. 

What's at stake? If she goes through with her revenge plot, what bad thing will happen? If she doesn't, what worse thing will happen?

Right now you've got a very chick-lit voice going on and that's all well and good but the best chick lit novels had stakes that really mattered to the characters, and thus to the readers.

Revise.
 

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(1) I'm concerned I've given away too much plot--please advise. 

(2) I know you advocate for short sentences, but do long sentences equal death?

Dear Query Shark,

Jules was prepared for an in-and-out job: kill Queen Isabella, avenge parents, achieve happiness.

This is good. Short, to-the-point, enticing.

The three step plan might as well have never existed once she ends up in a brawl with the queen’s guards. Now it is just a matter of time before Isabella realizes Jules was once the seven year old Juliana whose parents she executed for being magic users, the same Juliana she believes to be just as bad as all magicians and expressly ordered never to return to Ronan unless it was in handcuffs.

And splat. And I mean splat from a seven story fall, no trampoline, no net.  Look at that first sentence: The three step plan might as well have never existed once she ends up in a brawl with the queen’s guards.

Think of how much simpler this will all be with a sentence that is not so complex: Then she ends up in a brawl with the queen's guard.  

You're trying to be too fancy here. I can not over-emphasize the power and beauty of plain, simple sentences in a query.  Plain and simple is VERY hard to do well. 

And the second sentence is worse than the first. For starters, you've gone from something happening now (the brawl) to something happening years before. It's confusing. Confusing is bad. 

However, in eighteen years of life Jules hasn’t possessed so much as a magical toenail. Armed with only her blade and wits, she is forced to play nice with a band of magicians who share her murderous goal. The only problem is Jules’ three step plan was a one woman job and did not involve pretending to be a girl named Sybil, who happens to be the half sister of Prince William’s servant. And it certainly did not include crushing on William or hiding daggers in a ball gown (or wearing ball gowns, for that matter). 

This is where I stop reading. I don't know what the hell is going on here. Even if I stop skimming (and trust me, agents skim queries more often than not) and focus intently, I'm still confused. 

There's a formula for getting the elements of the plot into the right place in a query letter. I've mentioned it dozens of times here and it's elsewhere too.

"What does the protagonist want? What's keeping him/her from getting it? What choice/decision does he/she face? What terrible thing will happen if he chooses ____; what terrible thing will happen if he doesn't."

 OR 

"The main character must decide whether to ____. 
If s/he decides to do (this), the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are ____. 
If s/he decides NOT to do this: the consequences/outcome/peril s/he faces are ____."   



Torn between her growing feels for the prince and her revenge, the past repeats itself and Jules loses someone close to her seemingly at the queen’s hand. Set back on her vengeful path, it appears someone she thought she knew is getting ready to seize power in Ronan and she may have unwittingly carved the road to the throne.



The Sybil Project, a YA fantasy novel, is complete at 95,000 words. I believe it will appeal to fans of the BBC show Merlin and readers of … As per your request I’ve included … sample pages. Thank you for your time and consideration. 




Answers to your questions:



(1) I'm concerned I've given away too much plot--please advise.
I'm too confused to know what the plot is as yet. 



(2) I know you advocate for short sentences, but do long sentences equal death?

Long sentences do not equal death. BAD sentences equal death.  Shortening your sentences will help you stay on point. This isn't bad writing, it's just not polished yet.


It's clear you've got some verve under all this convoluted writing.  Get out of your own way and quit trying to be fancy. Your verve will show if you just write simple sentences.

Honestly I can hear you saying "but I want an agent to NOTICE me!"  Of course you do. Please please trust me when I tell you that a simple, elegant query is so rare in my inbox that should you achieve that, you will be noticed.  Fancy is over-rated unless it's in your choice of headgear.

#257-revised 5x-updated

Dear Query Shark:

I am withdrawing this query--not because I wouldn't keep at it until I had it right--but rather because the story itself is structurally unsound. I believe in the characters and general idea (group consciousness), but it turned out to be more like three stories in one rather than one cohesive whole. I plan on deconstructing it and going at it in a completely different direction.

This is our first example of a query that revealed problems in the novel. This can happen. I see it a lot at query critique sessions at writing conferences.

Good luck with the revisions!

------------------------------


Revision #5

Dear QueryShark:


Located in northern Minnesota in a pathetic and dying town she despises, 16-year-old Landy Jenkins appears to be clairvoyant. She’s not. Think oddsmaker with deadly accuracy--costing her each time it happens—and its been happening a long time. Ergo, ten years left to live. Moreover, she lives with a father crippled by grief who’s lost his job, and soon, their house.


Your punctuation is off in the second sentence. You've got a clause set off by dashes, but that clause is linked to what comes after it, not separated from it.  The way you can tell is if you read the sentence without the dashed clause, it doesn't make sense. Consider this: Think oddsmaker with deadly accuracy; costing her each time it happens and its been happening a long time.

The change in punctuation highlights the problem with the cost clause. The two parts of that sentence don't mesh. Consider: it costs her each time it happens and it happens a lot.

Revised: 16-year-old Landy Jenkins appears to be clairvoyant. She’s not. Think oddsmaker with deadly accuracy; it costs her each time it happens and it happens a lot.  Ergo, ten years left to live. Moreover, she lives with a father crippled by grief who’s lost his job, and soon, their house.

Now is when we finally see the real problem with the paragraph: what's the connection between Landy Jenkins being an "oddsmaker" and "ten years left to live." We can't intuit that from what you've got here.  You're either going to need better clues, or give us the info outright.


Hell no.

Help arrives when a visiting Frenchman offers four students $100,000 to read a book. Of course it’s not what it seems; bait never is. Landy knows this but she needs his money as much as Monsieur Tortue needs her peculiar mind or those particular classmates.


What particular classmates?

She doesn’t like the Frenchman or those particular classmates but she likes poverty least of all. (We know all this already)  Summer vacation arrives, the book club begins, and Landy loses her mind. Or so it seems. They get sent to an island with deadly predators, to a curious bookstore with even curiouser visitors, and finally to a glass castle. A castle she never wants to leave as she’s been reunited with her dead mother in a peaceful place, and has no reason to return.

You've got the events out of order if you're trying to build to a climax.  Landy can't lose her mind buried at the end of the second sentence in a paragraph IF you want that to have some oomph. 

You need to end this paragraph with what the problem is.


Monsieur Tortue’s experiment has pushed her too far.

Really? How?

Only when the four unlikely friends (what friends?) unite do they escape, but Tortue isn’t finished yet. He offers Landy the antidote to her early grave in exchange for one last journey: this time, to the future. If she refuses, she dies young like her mother. If she accepts, they discover a world fraught with intrigue and danger, and with it, what they must become.

Told in alternating points of view (whose?), YELLOW BABIES is a YA 99,000-word speculative fiction written as a separate but equal duology that could appeal to fans of Maggie Stiefvater, and, The Matrix.

I’m an AWP and SCBWI member recently transplanted from New England to California and raised in northern Minnesota where the story takes place. Per your submission guidelines I’ve included the first pages.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
   

This is much better than the first rounds.  I'm glad working on the query helped you revise your novel too.

Now, if I can talk you out of the title, I will count it a good day's work.  

Revise, resend. 

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REVISION #4

Dear Query Shark,

Every female in Landy Jenkins bloodline died young.  It was like a family tradition.  Starting with her great-grandmother and continuing down the line until her own mother at twenty-nine died of an illness that still haunted her, the way it was trending she’d live long enough to vote and she’d be damned if she did it in her hometown.
 
There's no sense of Landy being haunted by anything in what follows.  If you mention it in the opening paragraph, I assume it's important.  Thus: leave out what isn't important.


The scope of her inconsequential life was about to change when a French philanthropist offers four juniors $100,000 to read a book.  Dylan Xavier Roberts assumed it was his charm; Li Chou knew it was her brilliance; Landy had no clue why she was picked; and Garret Mattock really didn’t care, so long as he was near Landy.

Monsieur Tortue knew their secret but failed to understand the extent to which their minds have developed and it throws the youngest generation of Yellow Babies into a series of fantastical, life threatening mind-travels.

Four teenagers now get to experience what’s really on in their minds.

(A)When they return to their own reality wiser and armed with knowledge of what’s to come they discover Monsieur Tortue was dead and with him, the solution to keep Landy from an early grave.  This, too, was a ruse.  Monsieur Tortue was very much alive, in hiding, and waiting for Landy Jenkins to find him.  



This paragraph is where things fall apart. You set something up, then reverse it in the next sentence. This is textbook CONFUSING. 


(B) To break from her family’s macabre tradition, she must. MUST WHAT?
                                                                             
Written as a stand-alone with series potential, YELLOW BABIES is a 95,000-word YA Mainstream novel with sci-fi twists, psychological mayhem, and a thread of romance that could appeal to fans of Veronica Mars, and Matrix while traveling On The Jellicoe Road.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Name, SCBWI member
Address

You have to fix the paragraphs marked A and B.    You don't illuminate the connection between Landy's family dying young and reading M. Tortue's book.  Don't over explain it, but let us see there IS a connection.



------------------------------
REVISION #3

Dear Query Shark,

Every female in Landy Jenkins bloodline died young. It was like a family tradition. Starting with her great-grandmother and continuing down the line until her own mother at twenty-nine died of an illness that still haunted her, the way it was trending she’d live long enough to vote and she’d be damned if she did it in her hometown.


Don't be afraid to not explain things in a query.  I'll accept the premise of the novel that Landy Jenkins is afraid of dying young without you telling me she's right to worry (poor dear great memaw, then memaw, then ma herself)  Save those few words for the stuff you have to get on the page.


The scope of her inconsequential life was is about to change when a French philanthropist offers four juniors $100,000 to read a book. Dylan Xavier Roberts assumed it was his charm; Li Chou knew it was her brilliance; Landy had no clue why she was picked; and Garret Mattock really didn’t care, so long as he was near Landy.

It's VERY important to keep the events of a query in the immediate moment: IS not WAS here. 


Monsieur Tortue knew their secret but failed to understand the extent to which their minds have developed and it throws the youngest generation of Yellow Babies into a series of fantastical, life threatening mind-travels.

Too abstract and disconnected from what comes before to be of use to you here.

Four teenagers now get to experience what’s really on in their minds.

When they return to their own reality wiser and armed with knowledge of what’s to come they discover Monsieur Tortue was is dead and with him, the solution to keep Landy from an early grave. This, too, was a ruse. Monsieur Tortue was very much alive, in hiding, and waiting for Landy Jenkins to find him.





Wait, what?? What happened to the paragraph you used in Revision #1 that was clear about M. Tortue and his evil plans??


To break from her family’s macabre tradition, she must.
must what??


Written as a stand-alone with series potential, YELLOW BABIES is a 95,000-word YA Mainstream novel with sci-fi twists, psychological mayhem, and a thread of romance that could appeal to fans of Veronica Mars, and Matrix while traveling On The Jellicoe Road.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Name, SCBWI member
Address  

Did you send this before you finished writing? That happens. It's pretty much the Kiss of Death in queries so it's something you want to avoid.

You avoid it by saving your query as a draft and looking at it 24 hours later. That's when you catch this stuff.

I think you're working yourself into a frenzy of no-confidence.  You had a reasonable query back there in #1.  Look at what worked. Fix what didn't. Don't reinvent the wheel.


------------------------------------

REVISION #2


Dear Query Shark,

My debut novel YELLOW BABIES is about confronting the dark places in yourself, knowing your place in the world, what to do about both. It does so with four teens, 91,000 words, and an enigmatic narrator.


I'm not sure why you decided to shoot yourself in the foot in the first paragraph but here's some advice: don't. You actually had a decent start to the query in Revision #1. 

The U.S. government started a program it shouldn’t have. A providential twist and three generations later, instead of being seriously stupid, four teenagers have enhanced skills but not without consequence because nothing is ever that easy.

Too abstract to be interesting

A Frenchman with suspicious motives comes into their school under the auspices of a $100,000 book club but who really wanted to test them. He gets his wish but fails to understand the extent to which their minds have developed and it throws the youngest generation of YELLOW BABIES into a series of fantastical, life threatening mind-travels.

Four teenagers now get to experience what’s really on their minds.


Getting back to those consequences, every female in Landy Jenkins bloodline died young. It was like a family tradition. When they returned to their own reality wiser and armed with knowledge of what’s to come, they discovered the Frenchman has died and with him, the antidote to keep Landy from an early grave.




If I hadn't stopped reading before, I'd stop here. 
In your first revision, I'd read to the end and read the pages.
You're going in the wrong direction here.
What happened?

The Frenchman’s death was greatly exaggerated. Monsieur Henri Tortue was very much alive, in hiding, and waiting for Landy Jenkins to find him.

To break with her family’s macabre tradition, she must.

Written as a stand-alone with series potential, YELLOW BABIES is a Mainstream YA novel with sci-fi twists, psychological mayhem, and a thread of romance that could appeal to fans of Veronica Mars, Matrix, and The Book Thief.

I’m part of an online MG/YA critique group, SCBWI member, and completed Advanced Writing workshops through Gotham Writers.

Those aren't writing credits.

Thank you for your time and consideration.  


What the HELL just happened here?  What part of 

The stakes aren't very clear, but I'd read pages for this query. It's focused, clear and enticing. A couple quick changes and you've got a query to take for a test drive.

in Revision #1 wasn't clear.  A Couple Quick Changes is NOT this wholesale revision that has not only made things worse it's made things AWFUL.

Back to Revision #1.
Don't lose confidence in your work and DO NOT GO CRAZY HERE!



---------------------------------------
REVISION #1


Dear Query Shark,

Every female in Landy Jenkins’ bloodline died young. It started after World War II when her great grandmother died giving birth to a daughter, followed by that grandmother dying of an aneurism, and then, her own mother at twenty-nine, dying of an illness that still haunted her.

The way it was trending, Landy figured she might live long enough to vote, and she’d be damned if she did it in her hometown. But the scope of her inconsequential life was about to change when French philanthropist, Monsieur Henri Tortue, came into her school with the extraordinary offer of $25,000 to read a single book. The entire junior class showed up but only four were chosen.

Dylan Xavier Roberts assumed he was chosen for his charm; Li Chou knew she was selected for her brilliance; Landy had no clue why she was picked; and Garret Mattock really didn’t care, so long as he was near her. Landy

But Monsieur Henri Tortue knew. He knew they were the last descendants of a program—his mother’s—designed to create a new breed of human being, and he’s returned to finish where she left off. But when he fails to understand the extent to which their minds have developed, it becomes an error that not only sabotages his own plans, but puts the youngest generation of Yellow Babies into a series of fantastical, life threatening mind-travels.

And now four teenagers will now get to experience what’s really on their minds.

this might just be one of the scariest things I've ever read.

Written as a stand-alone novel with series potential, YELLOW BABIES is a 95,000-word YA romp filled with psychological mayhem, sci-fi twists, snark, and a splash of romance that would appeal to fans of Veronica Mars and Matrix while traveling the Jellicoe Road.



Romp and mayhem describe very different things. You might reconsider using both of them here.

Thank you for your time and consideration.




The stakes aren't very clear, but I'd read pages for this query. It's focused, clear and enticing.

A couple quick changes and you've got a query to take for a test drive.

-------------------
Dear Mr. Levine,

Back in January, I had the pleasure of listening to your lecture at the kickoff of our SCBWI season where you were chased on stage by a manic VCR light. You said you wouldn’t say anything noteworthy, but I took notes anyway, and your advice was to make the first chapter like a good date, so without fumbling at the door to make small talk with the parents, let met introduce you to my YA story, Yellow Babies.

This is the best personalization I've seen in a long time. I know I tell you to start with the protagonist's name and the plot but THIS WORKS.  It's very funny, it's clear the querier was paying attention to what the agent said at the talk.  If you've got something like this, you lead with it. If you're personalizing your queries with "and I've read all your clients books and I want you as my agent" that's NOT what you lead with. See the difference?

A French philanthropist comes into a tired, northern Minnesota town with an extraordinary offer for one of their schools. The entire junior class shows up, but only four are chosen. Dylan Xavier Roberts assumes he was picked for his charm; Li Chou knew she was selected for her brilliance; Landy Jenkins has no clue why she was there; and Garret Mattock really didn’t care, so long as he was near her.

This could have been character soup but it's not. It's concise and clear. Each character is easily discerned from the others.  It's not Breakfast Club trite. (The rebel, the minx, the homecoming queen)

What they didn’t know was that one day Dylan Roberts would lead a counter-revolution against the same country Secretary of State, Li Chou, would defend; Garret Mattock would build an invention so powerful, it would literally knock the planet off its orbit; and, his love interest, Landy Jenkins, would predict the future and be hunted down by the most powerful people in their pre-dystopian world.

And that’s why they were chosen.

They are the latest generation of Yellow Babies, a 70 year-old government project led by the Frenchman’s mother after World War II. And her son, Monsieur Henri Tortue, was in town to push this next breed of Homo sapiens to the very edge of their sanity.


and here's where what has been a GREAT query falls apart completely.  What's at stake? Their sanity? Not big enough? The future? Too abstract to be interesting.  What does M. Henri Tortue want to accomplish?  Get that on the page.

Per your submission guidelines, I’ve included the first two chapters and a synopsis. In addition to being a member with SCBWI, I’ve studied my craft through the well-respected Gotham Writers’ Workshop. Yellow Babies is 94,000-word YA romantic /sci-fi romp that would appeal to fans of Veronica Mars and Dr. Who on their way to the Jellicoe Road.

I'm not much on film/tv comps but you certainly get your audience demo across with the ones you've chosen ie Not Me. I had to look up Jellicoe Road, and I've never seen Dr. Who (I know, just shoot me now)


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Get the stakes on the page in less abstract form and you've got a good query for ONE specific agent.

#256

--> Question:

Early last year, caught up by the glimmer of the wild self-pub frontier, I shunned agents in favor of wrangling up wild book sales by myself. I died of dysentery.

Then, like Nemo, I found your website. The archives led to a solid year of rewriting my entire MS. Bonus: I now know what my book is about. Fancy that.

I am ready to query. Unfortunately, Google is my enemy. I have an amateurish website. I have a silly Kickstarter campaign permanently indexed online, not unlike embarrassing high school pictures on Facebook. And my self-pub sales were such that my garage is now cluttered with boxes of books suitable only for fetching pocket change at the annual neighborhood garage sale. Will an agent drop me for all this, even though I've rewritten the MS?

Dear QueryShark:

Mark From Earth is a YA SF of 82,000 words.

These misadventures follow Mark, a friendless and freckle-nosed misfit mysteriously recruited to a school in a starship. Getting him in trouble from day one are two fellow outcasts: Heath, who nervously checks for quick exits, and thrill seeking Lexie, who pulls Heath in the opposite direction of exits.

Exits off a starship? I think I saw that movie.***

The rough and tumble trio skip class for snowball fights on hoverboards, pull pranks on monstrous bullies, and go treasure hunting at an abandoned junkyard. It’s there they stumble upon a deadly mystery. The hijacking of their school’s starship by a deviant machine may be imminent. Now, Mark must lead the wild bunch in unraveling cryptic clues and fighting demented droids—Never knowing he has been their greatest threat all along.

I'm hardpressed to think a junkyard is abandoned if it's on a starship.

 

 For starters this sounds like a middle grade novel. It's about hijinx, not about feelings. Also, you're missing what's at stake: the deviant machine hijacks the schools starship. So what? Maybe he's hungry and wants to hit the drive through on the astral plane.

The first step is getting the plot on the page: What does Mark want? What's keeping him from getting it?

As to your question: querying a previously published novel is like asking someone to finance a fixer-upper house.  You need a plan.  And by plan I mean marketing plan: you published this book; it sold six copies, four of which were to the NSA to see if you'd discovered any of their secrets.

Now you want an agent to sell this to a large publisher with some marketing muscle. You need to have a good idea of who ELSE is going to read this book and how you plan to reach them. Mentioning of course why you didn't you reach them before.

And don't say "I didn't have the money" cause promotion is most often not about money, it's about figuring out who would read this book and making them aware of it.

And this is just lame: I am ready to query. Unfortunately, Google is my enemy. I have an amateurish website. I have a silly Kickstarter campaign permanently indexed online, not unlike embarrassing high school pictures on Facebook. A

Fix your damn website. Get enough other stuff going and that Kickstarter campaign will fall below the first page of any google search.

But the real advice is this: write a new novel and query that. I'm generally not looking for fixeruppers when I'm looking for projects to take on.

  ***Gravity   

#255-revised 4x-FTW

Revision #4

Dear QueryShark,

CHOSEN TO LEAD. Kyla Duvall lost everything the day a fire tore through her village, destroying her home, killing her mother, and separating her from her best friend. Whisked into hiding and trained to be the leader her country would need, Kyla has waited for eight years to take her place as queen beside the boy she once knew.

CHOSEN TO FIGHT. Born with the powers to bend the air and decimate her enemies with pain, Rebekah Stone trained as a solider, hell bent on avenging her parents murder. War is brewing, and the last thing she has time for is playing the new queen’s body guard. Rebekah joined this army for one reason: to destroy those who took everything from her.

Power hangs in the balance, and as Kyla’s coronation grows draws near, one thing becomes increasingly clear: there is a lot more to the story than either girl realizes.

We are eighteen years old and best friends who love to read. This is our first novel. We wrote this novel imagining ourselves as the heroines we want to be, meeting the characters we would want to meet in a world we would love to see. Our whole lives we have enjoyed storytelling: movies, music, and books. We read because it takes you places you could never imagine and allows you to become the hero, to live through the characters and experience another world.

ENTRUSTED will appeal to YA, adventure-hungry fans of novels such as Graceling and Eragon. The opening novel in The Sanctified Series, Entrusted is complete at 91,991 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


I think this sounds like a good book.  The query was never terrible but I think you've
got a better one here. 

Good luck on submission. Let me know if you need to borrow my wheelbarrow for all the loads of lovely cash.

And it took so long to get this done (my fault entirely) that you're now old enough to legally sign contracts on your own!

-----------------------
Revision #3

Dear QueryShark,

CHOSEN TO LEAD. Kyla Duvall lost everything the day the a fire tore through her village, destroying her home, killing her mother, and separating her from her best friend. Whisked away into hiding and trained to be the leader her country would need, Kyla has waited for eight years to take her place as queen beside the boy she once knew.

I can hear you screaming in pain as I start changing "the" to "a" and actually ADDING a "has" when I normally hunt them down with the flame thrower.

Here's why you want to be THAT persnickety about every word:  unless there has only been one fire in the village, ever, you need to say "a fire" not "the fire," and particularly you need "a fire" because we, your readers don't know what "the fire" means if there really was only one.

And for that has: that has gives the sentence more tension.  She has waited...and the reader intuits that the waiting is about to end.  Thus we wonder: "what happens now??" which is EXACTLY what you want your reader thinking at this point.

EVERY SINGLE WORD COUNTS.





CHOSEN TO FIGHT. Born with the powers to bend the air around her and crumble crush her enemies in pain, Rebekah Stone trained as a soldier, hell bent on using her powers to avenge avenging her parents (her parents what? Solo vacation to Atlantis?). She knows a War is brewing, and the last thing she has time for is playing the new queen’s body guard. But as the coronation grows near, one thing becomes increasingly clear: there is a lot more to the story than either girl realizes.






Crumble: cookies crumble. Hankies crumple. Neither word is very fierce, and you want fierce here. Crush is my first try. You can pick whatever you want but the word better be The Rock not a Pop Rock.


Avenge: avenge what?  I'm guessing murder. You need to specify here.

She knows a: when you're in the character's point of view, one easy way to polish up your writing is taking out the "she knows" and "she saws" whenever you can. Your readers will intuit them.

Take out absolutely everything you don't need and your writing will flow much more smoothly.


But as the: and here you fall off your very nicely done double intro. We're in Rebekah's story right now. You can't have a sentence that is about both girls here.  It has to be a separate paragraph or you ruin the rhythm of your set up.



Power hangs in the balance, and two very different girls come face to face with the secrets that could destroy a kingdom, or save it. But as the coronation grows near, oOne thing becomes increasingly clear: there is a lot more to the story than either girl realizes.




oh look you have a lovely sentence that you didn't need in Rebekah's paragraph, and it fits perfectly here. Nice how that works out isn't it!
 
 And you end up with a MUCH better (ie less cliche) closing sentence.  You can't just write good sentences. You have to put them in the correct order.  That's what revision is for.

(1) ENTRUSTED will appeal to YA, adventure-hungry fans of novels such as Graceling and Eragon. (2)The opening novel in The Sanctified Series, Entrusted is complete at 91,991 words.

(3) We are eighteen years old and best friends who love to read. This is our first novel.
We wrote this novel imagining ourselves as the heroines we want to be, meeting the characters we would want to meet in a world we would love to see. Our whole lives we have enjoyed storytelling: movies, music, and books. We read because it takes you places you could never imagine and allows you to become the hero, to live through the characters and experience another world.



Reverse the order you've got here: 3/1/2



Thank you for your time and consideration.



 Not quite there yet, but better.
Revise.
Try not to die of frostbite as you endure the glacial pace of revision.

Resend.



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Revision #2


Dear QueryShark,

CHOSEN TO LEAD. Kyla Duvall lost everything the day the fire tore through her village, destroying her home, killing her mother, and separating her from her best friend. Whisked away into hiding and trained to be the leader her country would need, Kyla waited for eight years to take her place as queen.

But as her day draws near, the pressure edges in, along with the fear. Struggling to understand the boy she once knew so well in order to rule by his side, Kyla’s destiny may come to light sooner than she imagined. 

This doesn't actually add anything to the query. The reason you know that is cause if you take it out, the query reads better. It also act like the punch line to the first paragraph, and you don't want that yet. You want One Two BAM. One being Kyla, Two being Becka, three being "both girls)



CHOSEN TO FIGHT. Rebekah Stone is determined to regain the control she lost over her life after she watched her parents die in front of her eyes. A descendant of the Sanctified Circle and born with the powers to bend the air and crumble her enemies in pain, Rebekah took refuge at the palace and trained as an entrusted solider.

She knows a war is brewing, and she is hell bent to use it to avenge her parents (who were killed in front of her eyes) . But she doesn’t know as much as she thought, and her power  to bend the air and crumble her enemies in pain...(fill in here with the down side of a really COOL superpower!)



here's your "punch line"--->Power hangs in the balance, and two very different girls come face to face with the secrets that could destroy a kingdom, or save it.

Entrusted ENTRUSTED will appeal to YA, adventure-hungry fans of novels such as Graceling and Eragon. The opening novel in The Sanctified Series, and complete at 86,260 words, Entrusted introduces a mythical world sparked with suspense and romance.

We are eighteen years old and best friends who love to read. This is our first novel.


We wrote this novel imagining ourselves as the heroines we want to be, meeting the characters we would want to meet in a world we would love to see. Our whole lives we have enjoyed storytelling: movies, music, and books. We read because it takes you places you could never imagine and allows you to become the hero, to live through the characters and experience another world.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,

The trick to describing two main characters is to give NEW information in that second paragraph. (You might switch which order you mention the characters if it helps)

The way you have it now, you're telling us a repeat of the first story: girl has bad experience, escapes, now is ready for the impending plot.

If you can move forward in the timeline, it gives the query more urgency and tension.

this is really hard to explain in the abstract, but I hope the blue line revisions help you see what I mean.

Revising is often moving things around, taking things out, and trying things out to see what works best. There's no "right" way. There's only what's enticing.

Once more into the breach, dear chums.

----------------------------------------

Revision #1

Dear QueryShark,

CHOSEN TO LEAD. Kyla Duvall lost everything the day the fire tore through her village, destroying her home, killing her mother, and separating her from her best friend. Whisked away into hiding and trained to be the leader her country would need, Kyla waited for eight years to take her place as queen.

But as her day draws near, the pressure edges in, along with the fear. Struggling to understand the boy she once knew so well in order to rule by his side, Kyla’s destiny may come to light sooner than she imagined.

CHOSEN TO FIGHT. Rebekah Stone was entrusted with the abilities to control the air around her and force her enemies to crumble in pain. A descendant of the Sanctified Circle and gifted with powers believed to be extinct, Bekah was offered refuge at the palace after her parents were murdered.

ok, here's where I still lose interest. Notice how passive Rebekah sounds? Entrusted? Offered? Gifted? (Don't even get me started on how much I hate the word gifted under any circumstances)  Given that in the next paragraph Bekah is a fighter, why is she not stronger here?  Rebekah HAS the ability to control the air around her; she HAS powers believed to be extinct; she TOOK refuge.

I think it's VERY important that Bekah be strong and dynamic in the query, and in the book. Why do I want to read about anyone who is just a vessel for someone else?  Hellwiththatnoise, give me someone DAUNTLESS! (Ok, my love for Divergent is showing here but you get the point)

Trained as a soldier, Bekah knows a war is brewing, and she intends to use it to her advantage. She joined this army for one reason, and one reason alone: find who murdered her parents. But she doesn’t know as much as she thought, and the control she so desperately desires may not come so easily.

What control? This is the first time you've mentioned she's out of/needs control.


ENTRUSTED with responsibilities and skills that set them apart, as Power hangs in the balance, and two very different girls come face to face with the secrets that could destroy a nation, or save it.

I know you want to start this paragraph in the same style as the preceding two, I can almost feel you wiggling with resistance when I strike it out. BUT, you need the three beat rhythm here, Hit Hit BOOM. (not hit hit hit) It's the equivalent of the punch line.

Entrusted will appeal to YA, adventure-hungry fans of novels such as Graceling and Eragon. The opening novel in The Sanctified Series, and complete at 86,260 words, Entrusted introduces a supernatural world sparked with suspense and romance.



We are seventeen years old and best friends who love to read. This is our first novel.

We wrote this novel imagining ourselves as the heroines we want to be, meeting the characters we would want to meet in a world we would love to see.



Our whole lives we have enjoyed storytelling: movies, music, and books. We read because it takes you places you could never imagine and allows you to become the hero, to live through the characters and experience another world.



The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you immensely for your time and consideration!
 

P.s. Our full manuscript is now actually available, and therefore we kept those tidbits.

Of course it's available! You wouldn't DARE send a query unless it was ready. Polished and perfect!  That's why you don't need to say so. 

And I also struck out immensely.  I want to strongly strongly strongly urge you to rein in your natural exuberance and high spirits here. Let that shine through in your query.  Don't make me wonder if you are going to need to be peeled off the ceiling if I call you to talk about your book. Sound like the pros you're going to be, ok?

I like this a lot but I think there's some honing to be done.

Revise, resend.

------------------------------------------------
Original Query


Dear QueryShark,

CHOSEN TO LEAD. Kyla Duvall lost everything the day the fire tore through her village, destroying her home, killing her mother, and separating her from her best friend. Whisked away into hiding and trained to be the leader her country would need, Kyla waited for eight years to take her place as queen.

But as her day draws near, the pressure edges in, along with the fear. Struggling to understand the boy she once knew so well in order to rule by his side, Kyla’s destiny may come to light sooner than she imagined.

This is really good. It's specific. I can see Kyla in my mind's eye and I feel like I understand where she is.  YA is all about The Feels, so that is good.

CHOSEN TO FIGHT. Rebekah Stone lost her family because of the powers that flow through her veins. Blessing or curse, Bekah intends to use every ounce of her gifts to seek out revenge. Becoming a soldier will teach her how, and then lead her straight into the fight she knows is coming.

err…not so good. "Powers that flow through her veins" is such a cliché. What powers? Does she eat kittens? Does she swim in soup? Ok, those are ridiculous things, but you need to be SPECIFIC like you were about Kyla.

Bekah’s unique gifts make her a powerful ally, or deadly enemy, that even her King, and friend, will not control. Bekah loves her country, but one incentive trumps all other priorities: Find who killed her parents... and kill every last one.

Again, this is too swirly to be interesting. You need to focus on what happened, so I can feel where Bekah is.


ENTRUSTED with responsibilities and skills that set them apart, in a world where power hangs in the balance, two very different girls come face to face with the secrets that could destroy a nation, or save it.

In a world where…sharks eat writers.  In a world is a cliché. One too many movie voice overs have seeped into your brains.



A story that intertwines fantasy with reality in an all new world, Entrusted will appeal to YA, adventure-hungry fans of novels such as Graceling, The Chronicles of Narnia, and Percy Jackson. The opening novel in The Sanctified Series, and complete at --------- words, Entrusted introduces a supernatural world sparked with suspense and romance.


Leave off telling me what it is. SHOW me. 

Chronicles of Narnia is a classic and OLD. It's not a good comp title.

Also unless you're using Sanskrit numbering systems, you need actual numbers to tell me how many words. (I have a feeling you haven't finished the novel yet so you don't know though, right?)


We are seventeen years old and best friends who love to read. This is our first novel, but we are asking you to take a chance on us despite this because the fact that we are new to the world of writing is what makes us different; we are the readers, still eighteen, and fresh out of high school, the life YA is geared towards. 

Do not apologize for writing or querying. Not now not EVER. All agents take chances with all writers, it's what this is all about. You have something of value to offer here and I absolutely insist that you act like it. Yes you're young, but you've SHOWN in this query that you can write, and trust me, I've seen people much older than you who can't.  (end rant)


We wrote this novel imagining ourselves as the heroines we want to be, meeting the characters we would want to meet in a world we would love to see. Our whole lives we have enjoyed the art of storytelling: movies, music, and books. We read because it takes you places you could never imagine and allows you to become the hero, to live through the characters and experience another world. Being teenagers doesn’t hinder us, but instead gives us the advantage of knowing what our fellow readers crave.

Normally I would have sliced this out as quick as you can say Kittens for Breakfast but in this case I think it works. First, it's charming. Second YA is about connection and this shows that nicely. It's not going to ever work in adult trade books (think about what a romance writer would say here--YIKES!)
but it works here. And again, do not apologize for your age.

The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you immensely for your time and consideration! We look forward to hearing from you. God bless.

I have a feeling the full manuscript isn't quite ready but that's ok for now.

Also, no God blessing in queries, ok?

Sincerely,



(both names)

(one address)

This is exactly right for querying with two authors.

Questions:
Our story is told through two different points of view, two very different girls. As the story jumps back and forth between the two, we were unsure of how to introduce both in the query without feeling like you're receiving very little information... I feel like we did it okay, but that there still might be some information missing, like there's not enough about what's going to happen because we had to set up both characters. Did we do it well enough? Is there enough info?

You did a good job with this. WHAT you say is the only problem and it's only with Bekah. 

Also, is the inclusion of our age and therefore lack of experience a bad idea? We've heard both and don't know what to do...

I think you now know my answer to that after the rant above.

This is a good first draft but it needs work.

Revise, resend.

#254

Questions:

(1) Please advise me on my bio; I lack publishing credits and writing awards. My academic degrees, travel and research immersed me in international experiences. I believe I am qualified to set a book in France, a unique nation politically, socially and culturally. How can I emphasize that?

(2) Please advise on sentence length. According to your blog, each sentence should be read in one breath. It works for me, but I have a lot of hot air.


Your (2) cracked me up enough that I chose the letter even though I'm convinced you haven't read the archives closely enough.

Sentence length: If you are a trained opera singer, one breath gives you 150 words. If you're a hyperventilating teen in paroxysms of humiliation that your mother Hugged You! In Front of Your! Friends!!  it's far fewer.

For those of us in between one breath means 10-15 words at most. Shorter is better. Don't get too staccato (ie leave James Ellroy to his own devices) but focus on paring out everything you don't need and saying things the most succinct way. (Twitter is a great way to practice paring down!) 

Often you need six or seven revisions to fully pare down. You'll go from 36 to 32 to 28 to 24 words. Paring is a process, not a single step. Don't beat yourself up if the second revision is only 32 words. Let it sit. Go back with a fresh eye and take out a couple more words, or rearrange a sentence after some time away. [I took six passes at this post over the course of two hours and when I come back to in a month, I'll see more places to pare.]


Dear Query Shark:
Wealthy French attorney André Gensonné, specializing in art crime, discovers a painting of a woman who resembles the vulnerable girl he met in the United States two decades ago, just after his 18-year old brother drowned. (36 words) His failure to save his twin defines his virtuous existence; he strives to fulfill the role of two sons for his family and their four-generation law firm.


36 words is too many. Too many words is made worse when they form a boring sentence. Why do we care about any of this? And oh my Godiva... virtuous existence? I'd probably stop reading right here. Why do I want to read about anyone who could possibly be described as having a virtuous existence? Virtue is boring. TRYING to be virtuous when beset by evil temptresses... now THAT is interesting.


Truthfully though you've made a classic query error here: you're focused on setup and backstory rather than where the story gets interesting. You've compounded the problem with Andre Gensonne sounding tres ennuyeux.


The painting entitled Miriam disappears from the Musée de l’Erotisme propelling André to search for it and the woman named Anne, who has lingered in his psyche. Miriam has a notable history; the painting disguises an Impressionist work by Elisée Maclet. The two men responsible for the camouflage, Maximillian and Bertrand, skirmish over custody, value and ownership. But their primary objective is to fence the Maclet without getting caught.

Who is Anne? And why is she stalking his psyche?

At this point we've got way too many characters in play: The boring Andre, his dead brother,  their entire family firm, Miriam, Anne, Elisee, Maximilian and Bertrand. This is the von Trapp family without the soundtrack or a scorecard.

I've ranted on and on about this: pare down the number of characters in your query. This is why I'm convinced you haven't read the archives.

Right here is where I stop reading and send you a form rejection if I didn't do it after "virtuous existence." The only reason I would have kept reading then is that I'm interested in art crime books and I love France. Sadly, even that won't keep me reading after the bouillabaisse of characters served up here.


All clues lead to Montmartre—the freewheeling 18th arrondissement in Paris, but André has a setback. His grandfather (and partner) reveals he has a fast-growing brain tumor, and confesses he harbors confiscated art from Nazi-occupied Paris. He has also fueled an addiction for art acquisition and amassed a priceless collection secreted in underground storage. The holding encompasses legal and illicit purchases.

His grandfather commands André make restitution after his impending death, a request that will expose the prestigious firm to public scrutiny. His grandfather’s vices threaten ethical André’s family legacy—his sense of identity.

After his grandfather dies, André and Anne discover Miriam and the Maclet—exhibited on the walls of his study—his newest acquisitions.


This is officially a red hot mess and it's time to toss it and start over. Who's the main character (pick ONE). What does he want? Why can't he have it? Who's getting in the way (pick ONE)

What's at stake?


I am a junior-college Political Science instructor; my writing experience includes authoring academic papers and grading students’ research papers. I am channeling Diana Gabaldon! I travel extensively, visiting twelve countries on three continents. I have an affinity for France, originating from French heritage, gourmet cooking and fine wine. Last fall, I revisited Paris for five days, residing in a Montmartre apartment and researching most of the scenes in my Paris-based book.


You're querying a mystery. Writing credits for a mystery do not include academic papers and grading student research papers. Not now. Not ever. 

Writing credits are: work you've had published that has been selected by an editor for publication. That is an absolute ironclad standard. 

If I were to write a query for Murder in the Slush Pile, this blog would NOT be a writing credit no matter how much work I put in to it. No one edits it (well, the commenters keep me honest on spelling and factual errors of course) and it's not published. Writing credits can include short stories published in anthologies, or books (not self-published ones even if you had it edited by God himself.)

Your biography section can include anything you want about yourself but I strongly strongly strongly encourage you to not phrase things in a way that sounds like "why I'm qualified to write this novel." You do NOT need qualifications to write a novel. You can make it all up. Going to France is nice and we all want to, but you can write novels about France without ever seeing the lovely cobblestone streets or the dog shit on the sidewalk. 

If you want to include going to France in your bio section, enliven it by telling me what you learned there that made a difference in your book. It doesn't have to be a lot, a quick sentence even, but just something that makes it more than "I went to France and wrote a book set there."


I believe MISSING IN MONTMARTRE (80,000 words) will appeal to female mystery readers seeking a less violent story.

NO NO NO.  Comparative titles require TITLES and comparisons. There are female mystery readers to be sure, but there's not a title in the world that appeals to all of them. Thinking yours will (or saying it such that it sound like you do) is a serious red flag about your level of expectations. I am very very hesitant to work with people who have unrealistic expectations. This sentence makes me think you fall in that category.

Comp titles are tricky. You need to know your category cold. People who read which author will like this book and why? If you say Cara Black cause it's set in Paris you're missing the point. Yes Cara Black's excellent books are set in Paris, BUT is your book similar to hers in tone? Character? Tension? There are lots and lots of books set in Paris. Pick the ones that compliment yours. Don't know of any? Stop querying instantly and get to reading.

Bad comps are a huge red flag. You can't write fresh and new if you don't know what's old and tired.



Please consider my query;

NO NO NO. This doesn't even make sense. Consider your query? You're querying so I'll read your book.


I appreciate your time and consideration.

This is close enough to thank you for your time and consideration that I won't squawk considering I've smacked you around enough about the rest of the query.


Start over.

Focus.

Entice me to read on.

And will you for Gaul's sake please read the damn archives.

#253--revised twice

Second revision

Dear Query Shark,

Ariana has a PhD in medieval military history and works at a Manhattan dating agency. Her boss claims magic helps clients find their happily-ever-afters. Riiiight. But, hey, if it means a job that pays the rent and student loans she can work with the fairy godmother until she lands that tenure track position.

Then she stumbles into a medieval kingdom. In the middle of a succession crisis. Time to re-evaluate that position on magic. 

You need one more sentence to make three parts to the whole: stumbles, middle of the crisis, one more. Then the punch line: reevaluate.  It has to be just the exact RIGHT phrase but you need one more to make the rhythm work.

Ariana only wants to get home, but that means finding the Gatekeeper who can open the portal to NY. NYC.** And can she find someone to help her? No. She finds the rebel claimant to the throne and his supporters. He thinks she could be the key to the crown. Thanks, but no. There are faster and less painful ways to die than trying to make someone king. Trust her. She's a medieval historian. 

Logic says abandon the rebels. They'll end up with their heads on pikes. Except Ariana likes the rebels, maybe even loves one of them. If she stays, her knowledge of medieval warfare might keep them all alive. And her family said her degree had no practical value.

Here's where you adjust the volume: more on the bass notes of serious plot, less on the treble clef of whimsical asides.

Of course, if Ariana stays, her presence could spark a war that would engulf the kingdom and destroy it. For beyond the frontiers rival kings prepare for the coming chaos. And conquest.

BEYOND THE IVORY TOWER is a fantasy novel (115,000 words) with romantic elements and touches of fairy tale. It was a finalist for the (this) Writers Association (that) Award in the Science Fiction & Fantasy category, and I taught a workshop about medieval arms and armor at the 2013 (the other) writing conference. I am finishing my PhD in medieval military history, although I work as an assistant editor for an academic journal not at a magic dating agency. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 This is better, much much better. (And thank god you fixed the title!) I can still tinker with words and phrases and rhythm though so you might want to let it sit through a couple iterations to see what you think sounds best.  

And now that you've got an effective query, have you gone back through your novel to make sure you've implemented all the things you've learned here?  Nothing is more disappointing than a great query followed by an unpolished novel.

Polishing will take some time. It's the place where you'll be most tempted to quit and just send it out.  Resist!  Polishing is what gets you beyond the 99%.  You can't be ok or good enough. You have to be better than everyone else I see this year.  

Think of it this way: the difference between first and 14th place in the 1500 meter Olympic speed skating competition was five seconds (a sub-two minute skate) You want your writing to be first, not fifteenth.

 **NY is the state.  NYC is the city.

--------------------------------------

First revision

Dear Query Shark,

Ariana has a PhD in medieval military history and works at a Manhattan dating agency in New York. Her boss claims to use magic to helps clients find their happily-ever-afters. Riiiiight. But, hey, she'll believe whatever the boss wants if it means a job that pays the rent and student loans.  Sshe can work with Snow White until she lands that tenure track position.

see the difference? This is rhythm and pacing. You've got to have it in the novel. Do you?

Then she stumbles into a medieval kingdom.  In the middle of a succession crisis. Time to re-evaluate that position on magic.

Ariana only wants to go get home, but that means finding the Gatekeeper who can open the portal to NY. And can she find someone to help her? No. She finds the rebel claimant to the throne and his supporters. He thinks she could be the key to the crown. Thanks, but no. There are faster and less painful ways to die than trying to make someone king. Trust her, she's a medieval historian.

Logic says abandon the rebels. They'll end up with their heads on pikes, but such is the cost of rebellion. Except Ariana likes the rebels, maybe even loves one of them. If she stays, her knowledge of medieval warfare might keep them all alive. And her family said her degree had no practical use.

Of course, if she stays, her presence could spark a war that would engulf the kingdom and wake the gods. (gods waking is a bad thing?)

THE CROSS OF THE HARPY (AIEEEEEE) AND STAR is a fantasy novel (115,000 words) with romantic elements and touches of fairy tale. It was a finalist for the (Writing conference) 2013 X Award in the Science Fiction & Fantasy category, and I taught a workshop about medieval arms and armor at the 2013 (other) writing conference. I am finishing my PhD in medieval military history, although I work as an assistant editor for an academic journal not at a magic dating agency.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I hate the title with the passion of a thousand rebellions.  Why did you change it?

And this is much better, but when I can see the fine-tuning needed in the query here (as illustrated above) I know I'll see it in the novel.

This fine-tuning is what comes with letting something sit for awhile, then going back and reading it aloud, and with fresh eyes.  Feel the rhythm and pacing of the query.  Then you do the same with the book.

This is akin to hemming your dress when you've finished sewing, and making sure the sleeves are the same length.  You can only do that when you're "finished" but not done.

Polish.

RETITLE.

Resend.

--------------------------------
Original query

Dear Query Shark,

Ariana is a medieval military historian and works at a magic dating agency. Too bad she doesn't believe in magic or true love. But, hey, rent and student loans must be paid, so Ariana figures she can work with Snow White and dish gnomes until she lands that tenure track position.

Then she and Titania, a new client, stumble into another world. Time to re-evaluate that position on magic.

Ariana only wants to go home, but that means finding people.

Right here is where you lose me. What does "finding people" mean? Finding the person with the key to the locked door? Finding the Wizard of Oz? Finding the limo driver? (and what is a dish gnome?)

And you know all of us here in AgentLand are going to take one look at the name Titania and think "oh, Midsummer Night allegory, got it"  Is that what you're aiming for? 

And can she find someone who can help her? No. She finds rebels who think Ariana could be a kingmaker. On top of that absurdity, Titania thinks she found love at first sight with a rebel scout and wants to stay.

And this descends into mush because we have no idea what "be a kingmaker" means. And why is it absurd?

And look carefully at your pronouns and proper noun placement here in this paragraph. The first "she" is clearly Ariana. As is the second. Then you call her by name. Then you bring in Titania and the third "she" is Titania.  

Consider: She finds rebels who think she could be a kingmaker. On top of that absurdity, Titania thinks she's found love (etc)

Remember, agents are not reading slowly here, parsing out every nuance of a sentence. We're skimming along trying to pick up the sense of the plot and the quality of the writing. The only reason you want us to stop and say "whoa" is cause you're (egad!) your sentences are beautiful, not cause we're unsure who the subject is.


Could it get any worse? Of course. Ariana learns her degree can be put to practical use. Armies, archers, and assassins. Awesome.

This is actually good, except we have no idea where Ariana IS in terms of time/space/the universe. And most important, we have no idea of the stakes. She wants to go home (of course she does) but what bad thing happens here in Rebelville if she does? What worse thing happens if she doesn't?

THE LIGHT BEARER'S DAUGHTER is a fantasy novel (115,000 words) with romantic elements and touches of fairy tale. It was a finalist for the (redacted) Writers Association 2013 (name) Award in the Science Fiction & Fantasy category. I am finishing my PhD in medieval military history, although I work as an assistant editor for an academic journal not at a magic dating agency.(I love that line!) I have published an article on English royal authority in fourteenth-century Gascony (2013), have a forthcoming article in the Journal of Medieval Military History, and taught a workshop about medieval arms and armor at the 2013 (this other) writing conference.

Thank you for your time and consideration.





Question: In the final paragraph, how much of my academic background should I include? I do have publications in my field, and my work is relevant to the project. Will this help me or frighten away agents? I'm worried that the history PhD automatically conjures up Professor Binns, the ghost who teaches history at Hogwarts and puts every student but Hermione to sleep. Should I omit it entirely and save myself the worry?


Answer: The purpose of the paragraph on writing credits is two-fold: show that you've been published by a curated or edited general interest periodical, or that there are readers who already know who you are. Your academic background doesn't accomplish either of these. I don't think having a Ph.D automatically conjures up anything for agents. Certainly it doesn't for me. (And remember, Harry Potter was first pubbed in 1997--it's not the instant touchstone that you think it is.)

Academic articles are generally not considered writing credits. They're selected and edited much differently than general trade periodicals, and have an entirely different purpose.


The problem with the query isn't the last paragraph. It's what you have before that paragraph.  You've got the lighthearted tone but you've missed the substance of what's at stake.

#252-the first post under the new system-revised 3x

Revision #3

 
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Dear Query Shark,

Dee Dee Welles wants to remember the worst day of her life. As it is, with no memory of the plague that decimated the population and the landscape years before, she fears she will always be an outsider among the other survivors at the Farm.

Why does she want to remember the worst day of her life? I've had some bad days (who among us hasn't?) and I've spent considerable time building defenses against EVER remembering them.

This could be a powerful opening IF you deliver the answer to the question and it's something that twists our expectations. As it is, it doesn't make much sense to me so I'm puzzled..and that is Not Good.


So when her estranged sister Mercy reaches out to her, letting her in on a secret project that promises “life the way it used to be”, Dee Dee hopes it might be a way to find some connection to the past.  Unfortunately, she never gets the chance—an accident in the project reanimates the flesh-mutating plague, putting the Farm on lockdown. The measures taken to keep the contagion out of the settlement now keep it in, transforming the Farm from secure fortress to death-trap. In an attempt to escape, Dee Dee and her comrades go underground to avoid not only the infected, but the deadly rat-maze of the settlement's streets.

This paragraph is built on the expectation that we know why "life the way it used to be" is something good. But we don't.  And it seems to me that the first place the story gets interesting is when the Farm goes on lockdown, and they want to escape. It's the first place "what does Dee Dee want and what's keeping her from getting it" are clear.

In the grim days that follow, Dee Dee becomes aware that once to often, she is the first one pushed out of the line of fire.  Her suspicions are well founded.  She doesn't know it, but she is more than just an ordinary girl.  Dee Dee is a Carrier—a human hard-drive. The parts of her brain that once contained her memories now store terabytes of vital information, the data safely stored in a mobile host with an instinct for survival.

Ok, so you've finally gotten to the heart of the story. (I'm VERY afraid of how long it takes to get to this in the book.)  What Dee Dee doesn't know about herself is what's keeping her from remembering anything.  Thus, this info needs to be in the very first paragraph.

If this reveal is anywhere past page 50 in the book, you've probably got too much backstory. Dee Dee doesn't need to know it, but the reader does.  (That's a great way to build tension in a novel as well)

No one has ever had to access a Carrier—until now. Mercy needs the launch codes in her sister's head but fears the possible outcome. Will tapping into Dee Dee's brain might destroy her forever? Or worse, will it reactivate the memories that her sister so willingly sacrificed years before?



Fugue State 88 is an 86,000 word piece of mainstream fiction novel set in the crumbling world of the near future.  It is my first novel.



Thank you for your time and consideration,



 
Better but not there yet.

-------------------------------------------------

Revision #2

Dear Query Shark,

Dee Dee Welles wants to remember the worst day of her life. So when her estranged sister Mercy reaches out to her, letting her in on a secret project that promises “life the way it used to be", Dee Dee hopes it might be a way to find some connection to the past. As it is, with no memory of the plague that decimated the population and the landscape, she will always be an outsider in a world where she desperately wants to belong.

You're zig zagging all over the place here. That first sentence (which is very good) gives us a way in to the story but then you move ahead without any explanation. We need something to understand why Dee Dee will not turn away her estranged sister's overture.

This is the classic illustration for my oft heard plea to "get your sentences in the right order!"

Consider:

Dee Dee Welles wants to remember the worst day of her life. With no memory of the plague that decimated the population and the landscape, she will always be an outsider in a world where she desperately wants to belong.

So When her estranged sister Mercy reaches out to her, letting her in on a secret project that promises “life the way it used to be”, Dee Dee hopes it might be a way to find some connection to the past.

See the difference?


But when a freak accident in the project reanimates the deadly, flesh-mutating plague, putting the Farm on lockdown and transforming it from secure fortress to death-trap, Dee Dee and her comrades must work together to find a way out. In a desperate attempt to escape, they go underground to avoid not only the infected, but the deadly rat-maze of the city's streets.



62 words in that sentence. Can you hear it clunking? I can.
Don't be afraid of short sharp sentences!

But when Then a freak accident in the project reanimates the deadly, flesh-mutating plague.  putting the Farm is on lockdown and transforming it from secure fortress to death-trap.  Dee Dee and her comrades must work together to find a way out. In a desperate attempt to escape, they go underground to avoid not only the infected, but the deadly rat-maze of the city's streets.

I don't understand how streets are infected and why a rat-maze is deadly. You have to be specific. Specifics draw me in to the story. Right now this is just a lot of cliche.

In the grim days that follow, Dee Dee becomes more and more aware that once too often, she is the first one pushed out of the line of fire, and that perhaps the concern for her safety has less to do with love or loyalty than with something unspoken, something sinister. She is valuable cargo to her comrades, her friends, and most of all, to her sister. Mercy needs something in Dee Dee's head, and that something might just be the key to their escape.



Virtual Black is an 86,000 word piece of mainstream fiction set in the crumbling world of the near future. It is my first novel.



Thank you for your time and consideration,




Once I see the entire query I think the fundamental problem is that I don't have any sense of Dee Dee. Themes of alienation and isolation are so common as to be cliché but I don't get why she feels isolated and alone. She's the only one who can't remember the plague. What's the significance of that? Why does it make her an outsider? And why should we care? What's at stake? We know she's "valuable cargo" but why? And what's the downside of being valuable cargo for DeeDee?

If I don't care about the main character, I'm not enticed to read the book.

That's the problem you need to solve here. Moving the sentences around is moving deck chairs on the Titanic. Let's avoid the iceberg first, ok?


 Rethink.
Start over.
Resend.


 ----------------------------------------------

Revision #1

Dear Query Shark,

Dee Dee Welles always thought that her amnesia was the natural result of a trauma — after all, she was only a child when the plague struck that decimated the population and the landscape. Life at the Farm, a walled city that protects the plague's survivors, is the only life Dee Dee knows. Judging by the haunted looks she sometimes catches on the faces of the other members of her work unit, she has always assumed that she was better off not remembering whatever horror it was that erased her memory. 


That's all set up. You don't need to fill in all the details in the query.  If her sister has a project to make life "the way it used to be" we intuit that life isn't the same as it once was.


Starting with the second paragraph starts the query at a dynamic point, not a static point. That's  because you don't have a lot of time here to catch your reader's interest.  That means: get to the good stuff.



When her sister Mercy lets her in on a secret project that promises “life the way it used to be,” Dee Dee has little reason to believe that her involvement is due to anything more than family loyalty. And yet, when the plague resurfaces and Dee Dee and her comrades face grisly opposition to their escape from the Farm, she notices that all too often, she is the first one pushed out of the line of fire. As the situation becomes deadly, Dee Dee begins to suspect that the concern for her safety has less to do with love or loyalty than with something unspoken between her comrades, something sinister. Her friends start to resemble guards; her lover, a warden – even her sister seems more and more like a calculating stranger. As the pieces of her past come together, Dee Dee starts to realize that she is anything but ordinary, and that the blank space in her memory might not be so natural, or so blank, after all.

This is still all set up. What's at stake? She's not normal....so what?

Invicta is an 86,000 word piece of mainstream fiction set in the crumbling world of the near future. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,



You absolutely must tell me what's at stake in the novel. The stakes must be clear.  Without stakes you  have no tension. Without tension, you have no compelling reason for me to read the novel.
Without a compelling reason to read the novel, you have no full request.

What does Dee Dee want? What's keeping her from getting it?
What does Mercy want? What's keeping her from getting that?
Who's thwarting them? Why are they doing that?

These aren't questions you pose in the query, but they're the way to get what's at stake on the page.

Start over.
-------------------------
original query

I've gone out on a limb here and written this query from the perspective of the heroine, because the novel is also written in first person. (I realize that this is an issue you have addressed in 2008 and 2011) This is a risk I decided to take because my more traditional attempts at a query letter were being rejected or not answered, and I thought this format might transmit, in a small space, the feeling of the novel and my voice. It also felt more natural to write than my earlier attempts. Do you find this query (a) compelling enough to justify first person? (b) One for the trash can? (c) A workable first attempt?

An additional question – sci-fi as a genre. I've described this work as “future fiction” or “future-noir” but these are probably not viable genres for a query letter. The novel is in the style of William Gibson or Michael Crichton – would you list this as sci-fi? Some agents I've encountered are extremely turned off by anything listed as sci-fi, and I want agents to give my work a chance and not just chuck it because of the genre. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to misrepresent the novel. I feel like I'm in a grey area here. Should I just leave it listed as mainstream fiction?

Dear Query Shark,

Zone 3 – Perimeter.

Nightfall.

Something is out there in the wasteland, where there should be nothing.

I see the other members of my work unit tense up – hands tight on their semi-automatics, eyes fixed on the viewscreen mounted on the interior wall of the Crusher. They anticipate the worse, even though it's been years since one has been spotted — a Riser, one of the monsters created by the resurrection plague that swept the globe a decade before, decimating the population and the landscape.

I'm not scared, though I should be. No adrenaline rush, no cold sweats. My body just can't react to what it doesn't know.

You see, I don't remember. Post-traumatic amnesia has wiped my slate clean — I'm an outsider, even to myself. Life at the Farm is the only life I know: protein slurries for nourishment, guard units for protection, work assignments from Central Command. It may be bleak but it's the only place I belong.

How would she know it's bleak if it's the only thing she knows?

My sister Mercy, on the other hand, can't let go of the past. We don't talk much, so I am more than curious when she demands a meeting, a feeling that mingles with trepidation as she begins to reveal her years of work on a secret biological project, a plan to make things “the way they used to be.” The project is nearing completion, but she senses that she is being monitored, and not just for protocol purposes. Fearing for her life as well as her years of work, she is determined to expose the project and hatches a plan to sneak me and the 5 members of my work unit into her high-security lab on the outskirts of the Farm.

At first, the promise of a new life in that verdant biotope seems like a glimpse of paradise, but only until the project goes horribly, horribly wrong. With one false step, the plague is back, and I am on the run for my life with my sister and the members of my unit. Not everyone will make it out alive.

A compelling mixture of the bleak urban future of J.G Ballard with the pace of Robert Ludlum, Invicta is an 85,000 word piece of mainstream fiction set in the crumbling world of the near future. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,



You're very right that I've railed against writing a query in the voice of the heroine previously.  As far as I can tell here, there's no compelling reason to do so in this query either.  It doesn't work.

You write "I thought this format might transmit, in a small space, the feeling of the novel and my voice" but it doesn't.  Voice isn't who's speaking. Voice is how you say things: the words you choose, the order, the cadence the rhythm.  There's nothing here that lifts this query out of the usual -- sentences that make me think "oh yes!" and that's what you want. This query doesn't sound like a person talking about their life, it sounds like a newspaper account.

Here's voice: 

When I was six years old, we got a pair of lambs. We made them a special shelter. I petted them, bottle fed them, put on little collars and broke them to lead. I would have slept with them if I could have gotten them past my mother and into the bedroom.

And then they died.

 For years afterward I blamed myself. Too much dragging around on the leash. Not enough milk. Too much petting and hugging. It wasn't until I married a man who raised sheep that I realized their passing had nothing to do with me.

Sheep just live to die. Which is true of all living things, I guess. But most of us don't go around looking for ways to expedite the process. Or simply lie down one day and decide, "Oh, heck, why bother getting up? It's just eat and poop, eat and poop. Who needs the hassle?"

The writer is Kari Dell, and the complete blog post is here

The reason I use this as an example is because it shows in shining clarity what voice is: in those four short paragraphs you get a sense of who she is, and you want to read more. [Ok, I might not be objective about this: Kari is one of my clients and I think her writing is glorious and funny and wonderful and further that if anyone disagrees there is something wrong with them but never mind about that now.]

I don't get that sense of who your main character is, or any urge to read more from what you've got here. Thus I vote for (b) on the options above.

And if you've not been getting the responses you hoped for on your query I'm going to suggest either the concept of the novel isn't new or fresh enough to attract the eye of an agent who sees a LOT of queries, or that your protagonist seems to be wrong person.  Isn't it the sister who seems more interesting here? (Answer: yes)

And "on the run for her life" is so cliche as to be instant-reject material.  Think about the concept for The Fugitive: yes Dr. Richard Kimble was on the run for his life, but there was an over-arching narrative at work as well. He wanted to find the one-armed man who really killed his wife. That's the interesting part of the plot, that piece that keeps this from being a simple chase sequence.


As for category, I think this is what's called dystopian but there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying: Invicta is 85,000 words set in the crumbling world of the near future, and letting the agent decide where it belongs on the  shelf.