#300

a. word count: 62,000
b. title: COPY PASTE
c. contact info:

Why you put this at the top of your query letter I do not know. It goes at the bottom, and not in bullet point form.


Name
Address
Phone
email
Twitter:
website

And this goes under your closing.  



Another gunshot, another day for Chicago police detective Lauren Medina—until a murder investigation leads not to a street gang scuffle but a supernatural pact for the soul of the city and its youth. All of them.


This is so abstract it's not very interesting. That's death in a query. It's instant death after you put all your contact info and housekeeping stuff at the top of the query, because at this point I assume you haven't done a lick of research on how to query.  


When you query an agent you're saying you're ready to suit up and work in a new industry.  You want the agent to take you seriously, to believe you've done your homework and prepared for the "job interview" of a query.  To that end you've researched correct query format, and the PURPOSE of a query which is to -- all together now -- entice an agent to read your work.

Because you're smart you understand that enticing is not even close to uninteresting. You read your first paragraph and think, "would I want to read this if I hadn't written it."  You might even show this to a writer friend.  If the response is anything other than "hey, I want to read this!" you know you're not there yet.

You're not there yet.


When Medina arrests two teens for the attempted murder of a classmate, she’s not surprised by their crime or even their strange behavior, but the odd graffiti that starts showing up at murder scenes around town—signed by the Pied Piper.

Those two parts of the sentence don't seem connected. She arrests two teens. Is there graffiti at that murder scene?  If there is, Medina notices it there, not "around town."


This leads Medina away from the usual suspects and toward a dark tale come to life. If she can’t save the kids of Chicago from sacrificing each other at the Pied Piper’s delight in exchange for their own deepest desires, she’ll have to make a pact with the demon herself to save the one young man she won’t let the Pied Piper take.


How is she led away from the usual suspects (which doesn't mean what you're using it here for) if she has two suspects in custody?  How is "a dark tale come to life" a suspect? 


And this is where I stop reading. It's entirely abstract and cliche. "Deepest desires" "pact with the demon" are all overused and under enticing.

Specificity is your friend. What is the Pied Piper doing? Why are the kids following him? How do the murders fit in with this?


Copy Paste is complete at 62,000 words. It’s an adult horror novel based on the Brother's Grimm tale.

If this is based on the Grimm tale, where are the rats? They don't have to be actual rats, but something brings the Pied Piper to Hamelin, and in your story, I don't have any idea what it is, or how Medina is part of it.  The Grimm tale is about people failing to honor their obligations. I don't get any sense of that here.  

When you base something on earlier work, you don't have to slavishly follow the plot of the original work, but the theme (which you should NOT mention in a query!) should be similar. 

The plot of Beowulf and  First Blood by David Morell are not similar,  but the theme is. You need to show me the theme of this book is close to the original tale and you do that by telling me about the plot. Tricky, right?  




 
This query doesn't do the job right now.
Go back to the basics.
Who is the main character. What does she want. What's keeping her from getting it? What will she have to sacrifice/how will she have to change to get what she wants.

For those of you who noticed the word count and wonder if it's low: it's not. Horror is generally shorter than other kinds of novels.

#299-Revised twice

Dear Query Shark,

Niall Lewis is in the high school of his dreams. His classes utilize the world’s most advanced virtual reality systems—for true hands-on learning. Living in a time when most jobs are done by advanced AI’s, this rare school guarantees a career that can pull a family out of basic government income and have a better life. Niall wants that life, and everything is perfect until a deleterious glitch impacts his scores.

I have a real thing about the word impact. To my eye, you need a glitch has an impact on his scores. Other people probably don't care, and there's no way to know which agent you're querying has weird word quirks (another one of mine is safe deposit box) but just be aware that "impact" can be a tricky word. Also deleterious and glitch mean much the same thing. Neither of these are deal breakers; I just notice.


Though he works hard, Niall consistently receives lower grades than his peers; so low that he risks expulsion in a school that demands student excellence. With an artistic prodigy for a sister, Niall played the role of academic genius, so his family could be proud of him too. If he is expelled they will learn of his deception.

Ok, I'm now confused. If he played the role of an academic genius, how did he pull that off if he wasn't?

Also, we've gotten pretty far into the query letter here with no sense of the plot.
 
When Niall seeks help, he becomes aware the glitch is no accident and that he faces permanent purgatory in the basic income system and his family discovering his ruse unless he remains silent.

 You'll be better off deleting that second paragraph and getting right to this one.

Niall keeps silent and does the work of two people just to stay enrolled. He sacrifices his relationship, friendships, family, and sleep for passing scores while continually questioning if it is worth it. He wants a better future, but someone is taking that chance away. Niall speaks out asking, who and why?

The problem is there isn't enough that's interesting or different here. He wants good grades; something (unspecified) is getting in the way. There's not much to catch my interest here.

Discovering the truth opens Pandora’s box and leads him on an adventure he never expected.

It seems like this is where the plot is, and the rest of what you're talking about is just set-up.

SILENT GOLDEN EAGLE is an 84,000 word YA novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


You've still got the same problems you did on the original and first revision. You're not specific enough about the plot to engage a reader's interest.

Ditch this, start over with what happens when Pandora's box gets opened.

 

---------
Dear Query Shark,

Niall Lewis is in the high school of his dreams. His classes utilize the world’s most advanced virtual reality systems—for true hands-on learning. Everything is perfect until a deleterious glitch impacts his scores.

 This just isn't punchy enough to grab my attention. You're telling me half of what happened: a glitch affects his scores. How, and why should I care? A glitch that drops .01 from his GPA doesn't seem too terrible, unless that .01 is a matter of life and death.

Though he works hard, Niall consistently receives lower grades than his peers; so low that he risks expulsion in a school that demands student excellence. When Niall seeks help, he becomes aware the glitch is no accident and that he faces dire consequences unless he remains silent.

So far we've got failing grades and being tossed out of school. This just isn't enough to carry a plot.
Get to what the dire consequences are, and you'll need to be specific here, to get and keep a reader's attention. 

You seem to be avoiding the obvious: someone wants Niall gone. Why? 

Niall keeps silent and does the work of two people just to stay enrolled. He sacrifices his relationship, friendships, family, and sleep for passing scores while continually questioning if his dream is worth it.

What dream?

At this point I've stopped reading because you're not talking about a book that sounds enticing. 

Struggling to maintain his silence, Niall reaches a breaking point and speaks out. Barely avoiding expulsion, a series of events leads him to a secret file that not only explains the glitch but also uncovers a neurological program capable of nefarious motives for his school and the world.

You're too far in to the book at this point. A query should be about the first act, not the climax of the book. 

And "a neurological program capable of nefarious motives for his school and the world." is mind bogglingly confusing.

To rescue the students from the brainwashing, Niall must take matters into his own hands. He devises a plan to keep his place at the school and stop the mastermind behind the insidious scheme.
When his plan fails, he learns he must choose either the easiest path or the road less traveled.

Again, this is the climax of the book.


SILENT GOLDEN EAGLE is an 84,000 word YA novel.


Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,

This is still too abstract to be interesting.
Your main character has to want something. It sounds here like Niall wants to stay in this school. Why? 

Sometimes it's clear why a protagonist wants something. Here it's not. What's so special about this school? Why is he so dead set on staying here?  And why does someone want him gone?

Those answers need to be clear, and specific in this query.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Question: I know the first four words are a mouthful to describe my protagonist, but I don’t want to explain the eight different cohorts with unnecessary backstory. I mention Golden Eagle cohort solely to help explain the title. Is it worth mentioning?

Dear Query Shark,

Golden Eagle cohort freshman Niall Lewis is in the high school of his dreams until a glitch in his first virtual reality class threatens everything he has earned. The glitch prevents him from receiving the high ranks necessary to stay enrolled and when he tries to get help from the school he is warned to keep silent or be expelled.

By ranks do you mean grades or marks? Even if you use ranks in the book it will help you here to use grades or marks because your reader will know what you mean without having to stop and think about it. Ranking and ranks mean different things, and I paused at "ranks" to make sure I understood what you meant. That is NOT something you want me doing here.


Niall chooses to keep silent because going home means failure. Things only get worse when he is accused of cheating in a league quest. Niall’s league rank suffers even though he is cleared when an equipment malfunction is found.

And here you use rank in what seems like a different way than you use it above. I'm following what you're talking about but my confidence in the clarity of your writing is taking a beating. Again, NOT what you want.

Exhausted from doing the work of two people just to stay enrolled, helping his league move back up in the ranking, being taunted by rival league bullies, and under pressure from his family, he finally breaks his silence. Barely avoiding expulsion, a series of events leads to the discovery of a secret file on a terminated neurological program that explains the origination of his glitch. In the wrong hands, this hidden technology could have nefarious consequences for the world.

Where did this "work of two people" come from?
You're using league here in a way that is different to my eye from the precediing paragraph.

I'm all in favor of nefarious consequences, but honestly, they have to be consequences for Niall to count as what's at stake here.



Knowing that exposing the glitch is no longer just about rank or enrollment, Niall must take matters into his own hands. With no one willing to listen, he devises a plan to keep his place at the school, help his friends, and stop the mastermind behind the insidious scheme.


Insididious schemes are even better than nefarioius consequences! These are the only phrases with zip and vitality. The rest feels mushy.


SILENT GOLDEN EAGLE is an 83,000 word YA novel with sci-fi fantasy elements.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


To answer your question: you don't need to use anything in the query that will explain the title. We're used to not knowing what a title means until we're knee-deep in the book.

But the problem here isn't how you describe Niall, or the title. The problem is there's nothing at stake for Niall, and I'm pretty confused about what's going on.  

If you find yourself needing a paragraph to exlain a sentence, you've got the wrong sentence.

Revise, resend.

#298

Dear Query Shark:

The Three Little Pigs went out into the world to make their fortune--which proves that there is a fortune to be made in the world and you can make it (or blow it away) even if you're just a little pig.

Before you build your house of straw, read 101 Ways to Stay in Debt Forever.

If you have tried and failed to obtain a negative net worth, this book is guaranteed to help send your finances into an immediate downward spiral.

Don't learn how to cook. If you have life insurance, you don't need savings. And borrow a lot of money--that worked for Trump! Learn these and other great skills in 101 Ways to Stay in Debt Forever.

101 Ways to Stay in Debt Forever is complete at 75,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


This is a textbook example of a query so confusing I don't even know if it's fiction or non-fiction. Your email to me you included a line above the salutation: 101 Ways to Stay in Debt Forever: Humorous Fiction, 75,000 words which I think you intended to be viewed as the subject line of the query email.

The problem with that is  this book isn't fiction as far as I can tell from this query.  There's no story.

It sounds more like a satirical self-help, but again, I'm just guessing.

When I rail against people trying to be clever in queries, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

PLAIN writing is a good start for any query. Tell me about the story if you're writing fiction.

If you're writing anything else, tell me the issue you're illuminating, the problem you're trying to solve, or the event/historical period you're shedding new light and insight on.

Don't outsmart yourself by trying to be clever.

#297

Question:
I am stuck, drowing in a pit of regretions. I have revised, read all your posts and done the dance. There has to be something I am missing. Is the title too strange? Is the story too broad? Do people not like time travel? SOS!

Dear QueryShark,


I’m seeking representation for my adult novel, JUMPING OFF THE timeLINE. Given your interests in innovative magic and dark humor, I think it would be a good fit for you. This speculative fiction novel, complete at 89,000 words, explores a world where time is not only controlled, but wielded like magic. Once they jump, these humans can shift to any time period or age of their life.


All that intro and housekeeping stuff (word count, category, compliments) goes at the end.

One of these is Lark Robles, a twenty-five, okay fine, twenty-seven-year-old woman is dashing through the airport. But then she stops. In fact, time stops. Two mysterious women, both dressed like Woody Allen stars, step through the frozen airport and tell Lark the truth. She must choose between jumping off the timeline, or staying and dying in a tragedy. Time is only controlled by humans fated to die in a tragedy. If Lark jumps, she trades away her life, her family, her memories, and makes someone take her place on the destined plane.


Woody Allen stars? This doesn't evoke any image at all for me. And even if you replace "stars" with "characters" I still don't have an image. His movies are too idiosyncratic to have one type of star o character. [And honestly, Woody Allen? ewww.]

But most troublesome is that we have no sense of what's at stake. Sure Lark trades away her life, her family, her memories, but so what? Maybe she doesn't want any of those. And someone has to take her place? Does she get to choose who? If I got that offer, I'd want to choose who, and yes, I already have a list.


Lark says yes to train in the art of time and trades her bejeweled jean jacket for a fur coat. She rides water subways in 2071, gets drunk with Cleopatra, watches the final seconds of Miracle on Ice, and plays tag at Woodstock. When another controller of time decides Lark’s tragedy is perfect for her disastrous plan, Lark must relive the events she jumped from. But can she make the same decision again, and fully let go of her past on the line?


So, she gets to choose again. What's at stake this time? And what disastrous plan?

Also, not to be be nit picky but you've chosen pretty tame events here. You know where I'd want to be? Galilee for the Sermon on the Mount. London for the debut of Romeo and Juliet. Philadelphia in 1776. Seneca Falls in 1848. Gettysburg on November 9, 1863.

Lark's choice of events to attend, and what she does there (plays tag at Woodstock?) make her sound insubstantial, and worse, silly. Not someone I want to spend a couple hours with, even on a Friday night.


I have always been fascinated with time and knew that if we could travel, it would come with a cost. This novel is an exhilarating concoction of The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August and The Magicians. I am a Midwestern novelist, creator of the popular blog(redacted) and an environmental engineer. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I like the idea that time travel comes with a cost but concept isn't execution, and right now this query does not entice me to read the pages.

Get some stakes on the page, REAL stakes, and give Lark some substance. Even the frothiest chick lit novels had heroines who were interesting rather than silly.

To answer your specific questions:

Is the title too strange? No. And no one rejects a novel or query based solely on the title unless it's something truly offputting (like sex abuse references)

Is the story too broad? No. It's not substantive enough.

Do people not like time travel? Well, maybe, but that's not your problem here.

#296-Revised once

Dear QueryShark:

Some thing is watching Earth and has been doing so since the dawn of civilization.

Alexander Price, commander of the first manned mission to Mars, spots a black-tentacled probe take off as he takes his first steps. No one else saw it and no one believes him.

Back on Earth, Alexander is outcast and mocked for his wild claims by NASA. During the day he obsesses about what aliens might be plotting and why NASA is hiding the data. Every night he dreams of fanged tentacles ripping him apart. 

 The way you're using outcast here is jarring. You probably mean shunned, or cast out. 

You're also missing the connective tissue between what he saw and why it's a "wild claim".  If he's the commander of the first manned mission to Mars, anything he sees wouldn't be a wild claim, cause no one's been there before to establish any other norm.

In other words,  if you're the first person to come to my house and you then tell people I have cats rollerskating through my kitchen, who's to say that's a wild claim; no one has been here before to establish the cat's mode of transport.

Determined to prove he isn’t crazy and find out the truth about the probe, he steals data from NASA, risking jail time and the little dignity he has left. Deep in the stolen data, he discovers aliens used the probe to watch him land on Mars and they live out in the Alpha Centauri system.

He blackmails his way onto an interstellar mission to Alpha Centauri, but by the time he gets there, eighty years would have passed on Earth. If he goes, he has to leave everything and everyone behind.

If he blackmails his way on to the mission, he's on the mission. When you follow up with "if he goes" he's NOT on the mission. In other words, these two sentences are in the wrong order.  

This is the kind of problem in a query that gives me real pause about requesting pages. If I see this kind of writing here, I'm confident I'll see it in your novel.  

The reason you slave over the writing in your query is to give me confidence you've slaved over the writing in your novel.   

The dark mystery he wants to solve on Alpha Centauri’s planets may provide personal redemption and vindication for abandoning his life on Earth. Or he may have pursued a ghost he only imagined in the numbers and on Mars. 

What dark mystery? This is too abstract to be interesting.

THE FINAL JUDGMENT is a 90,000-word SF novel with series potential. This first contact story will appeal to fans of Adrian Tchaikovsky’s, Children of Time and Emma Newman’s SF mystery, Planetfall.

This isn't specific enough to be interesting yet. First contact stories need to be about more than first contact.  You're building on and adding to the genre, not just retelling storylines we've heard before.

Consider the Amazon description of PlanetFall

Renata Ghali believed in Lee Suh-Mi’s vision of a world far beyond Earth, calling to humanity. A planet promising to reveal the truth about our place in the cosmos, untainted by overpopulation, pollution, and war. Ren believed in that vision enough to give up everything to follow Suh-Mi into the unknown.

More than twenty-two years have passed since Ren and the rest of the faithful braved the starry abyss and established a colony at the base of an enigmatic alien structure where Suh-Mi has since resided, alone. All that time, Ren has worked hard as the colony's 3-D printer engineer, creating the tools necessary for human survival in an alien environment, and harboring a devastating secret.

Ren continues to perpetuate the lie forming the foundation of the colony for the good of her fellow colonists, despite the personal cost. Then a stranger appears, far too young to have been part of the first planetfall, a man who bears a remarkable resemblance to Suh-Mi.

The truth Ren has concealed since planetfall can no longer be hidden. And its revelation might tear the colony apart...

Can you see how the specifics used here make the novel enticing?

I drew on my experience working with narcissists-in-denial to create my characters. I’m a surgeon and use my scientific background to weave real science into stories.

I like the line about narcissists, but who's a narcissist in this story?

Thank you for your time and consideration.


This is a lot better than the initial query but it still doesn't give me a sense of what the story is really about.

------------------
Question:
I’ve worked and re-worked the pasted query below. It’s on the long side but I’m not sure what to cut.


Dear QueryShark:
Before Commander Alexander Price’s foot sinks into Martian soil, he spots a black-tentacled probe take off from the planet’s surface. Samantha and Harriet, the other two astronauts on the first manned mission to Mars, didn't see it, and no one back home believes him.


This  entire query clocks in at 339 words so it's not completely outside the ballpark for word count.  That said, it can use some tightening. How do you tighten a query?

First, simple declarative sentences are your secret weapon.

Consider: Alexander Price, commander of the first manned mission to Mars, spots a a black-tentacled probe take off from the surface as he and the other two astronauts arrive. Neither of them see it . No one believes him.

44 to 39 words. Not much BUT you've tightened the narrative here in two ways. You've simplified the sentences and reduced the word count.

Alexander is ostracized and mocked for his wild claims by NASA but not Samantha, who carried his unconscious body through a storm on Mars, risking her own life because she loves him. During the day he obsesses about what aliens might be plotting and why NASA is hiding the data. Every night he dreams of fanged tentacles ripping him apart. He turns to Sam, and not drugs, to provide refuge from his nightly demons. 

He's not ostracized. Ostracized means to exclude someone. It's clear Samantha isn't excluding him.

You're also awash in details. Too many details overwhelm the query.What do we need to know here?
We need to know that NASA mocks him. That's ALL we need to know.

74 words down to 11.

Determined to prove he isn’t crazy and find out the truth, he steals data from NASA’s new administrator, Harriet, risking jail time and the little dignity he has left.

Unless Harriet is on Mars, you've got a location problem here. When last we saw Alex, he was on Mars.

Did you notice that you use the full name  of your main character, the man, but only first names for the lady characters? In case you're wondering, that's something I notice, and draw conclusions about. Those conclusions are not in your favor.

NASA's data show some thing is watching Earth, and it lives in the Alpha Centauri system. Harriet realises the implications of the data, forgives Alexander and asks him to join her on an interstellar mission. By the time he gets there, eighty years would have passed on Earth. Samantha, the love of his life, will be long dead.

Here's where I stop reading. The logic of this plot eludes me. 
What does the black-tentacled probe on Mars have to do with anything here?
Why is Harriet in possession of data that only one man seems able to interpret. From what I know about NASA, there are some pretty smart people working there, and it boggles my mind to imagine that anyone would have data that no one else has seen. NASA is not a solitary sport.

Why would the administrator of NASA be on an interstellar flight at all? Isn't that why there are astronauts?

The folks who read science fiction are pretty picky about facts. They'll give you the big leap of imagination (interstellar flight for people is a reality) but the little facts (like how NASA works) have to be right.

The dark mystery he wants to solve on Alpha Centauri’s planets may provide personal redemption and vindication for abandoning Samantha. Or he may have pursued a ghost he only imagined in the stolen data.

This is the gist of the plot I think. What's the mystery on Alpha Centauri?

Also, "abandoning Samantha" makes me kind of crazy. If Alexander's job is being an astronaut, and he's asked to go on a mission, he's not abandoning Samantha, he's doing his job. Clearly there are some sacrifices (given she'll be dead when he comes back, IF he gets back) but it's not like he's leaving her for the lady next door.

THE FINAL JUDGMENT is a 90,000-word SF novel with series potential. This first contact story will appeal to fans of Adrian Tchaikovsky’s, Children of Time and Emma Newman’s SF mystery, Planetfall.



I drew on my experience working with narcissists-in-denial to create my characters.

This is the best line in the query and makes me think you probably have a pretty good sense of humor. 

I, on the other hand, am a down-to-Earth omnipotent surgeon. I use my scientific background to weave real science into stories.





(Insert personalisation for the agent)
Don't waste your time on trying to personalize queries. 


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Kind Regards,

The problem isn't word count. The problem is you haven't told me about the plot. You've told me about Alexander who seems entirely too drippy to be an astronaut.

It seems to me that the plot is what are those guys on Alpha Centauri up to, how do we find out, and do we need to interfere?

What you've got here is the set up, but not the plot.

In answer to your question, here's how to cut words from a query:

1. Use simple declarative sentences to build the foundation of your query.
2. Talk about the ONE thing we need to know about the book.
3. Add detail only when needed for clarity.

#295

Questions:

1) This novel has a lot of action, but it's about the complications and mounting tension in the main character's life. You mention a thriller has larger stakes than one person's life, so how would you categorize this? Suspense?

2) The book has 3 acts with tension and stakes building. This query is about the final conflict. Is that okay?

3) I feel the current title would grab attention, but is it a bad idea to tip my hand? Other titles I've considered include DISARMING THE BEASTS, and PREDATOR'S TITHE.

4) While the protagonist is a woman, I don't consider this is chick lit. Cassie is an emotionally damaged, socially awkward Jason Bourne with a medical degree. Should I query chick lit agents or stick to thriller/suspense (or however you categorize this?)

Dear QueryShark:

Cassiopeia Gordon (Cassie) has spent 12 years trying to erase one night—not easy for someone with a photographic memory. When she was an 18-year-old virgin, her drill instructor savagely raped her.

One thing that just drives me bonkers is listing a character's name and then her (nickname) in parentheses. This is not a newspaper article or a police report. Call your character what you call her in the book: Cassie Gordon.

A close second on the bonkers list is putting a character's age in parens for the same reasons. You avoided that here, thankfully.

And I'm not sure why you mention her memory; it doesn't seem to be a plot point later on. And no one needs a photographic memory to have problems forgetting a savage rape. 


Determined she'll never be victimized again, Cassie has trained relentlessly in hand-to-hand combat, while becoming a trauma surgeon to repair bodily damage. Those skills and a facility for language have led her to join an elite Marine strike force where she proudly keeps her team members safe.

This is a total hodge podge of information. She's trained relentlessly so she'll never be a victim, and then becomes a trauma surgeon to repair bodily damage? Whose body? Trauma surgeons by definition are repairing damage. You don't need to say both things.

She's a member of an elite Marine strike force and a trauma surgeon? Really? Where did she find the time? Oh and she's got a facility for languages. And let's not forget the photographic memory.

You're making the classic mistake here of creating a caricature, not a character. A character's flaws are what make her interesting, not the fact that she's superwoman in camouflage scrubs.

A more interesting story is how someone who ISN'T Superwoman responds to an attack and seeks vengeance.

Now the CIA has recruited Cassie to join its operation. Onboarding will happen at headquarters near where Cassie's best friend lives. Not only is Melody the closest thing Cassie has to family, she's also the only person who really understands Cassie's past. A fellow victim of the serial rapist drill sergeant, Melody has channeled her experience into helping others as a rape counselor.



When a series of Melody's clients reveal their attackers admitted—even bragged about—the number of women they've raped, Melody can take no more. If the system won't stop these monsters, Melody decides she must.

Why won't the system stop these monsters? It's not as though rape is the unspoken-of crime it was 40 years ago. Women and men report rapes all the time. What makes these beyond the law?

Though equally sickened by the revelations, Cassie recognizes the dangers of Melody's plan and tries to dissuade her—unsuccessfully.

What's Melody's plan? Kill the rapists. I'm very much in favor of that. Slowly too. This is where the book would get much more interesting: how these lovely ladies take their revenge, and what it costs them (ie what's at stake for them.)  You can't brutalize the brutalizer without being yourself becoming a brutalizer. 


If Cassie doesn't act, the only sister she's ever had could be imprisoned for the rest of her life. To save Melody, Cassie will have to break the law and risk losing everything — her medical license, CIA career, her freedom, and possibly the only man she's ever loved.

Melody will get imprisoned only if she's caught, right? So Cassie's dilemma is whether to report her, try to stop her, or do nothing. You need to be specific about what's at stake here for each of those choices. Breaking the law brings possible prison. Losing her medical license, her career? What's the down side of that for her? 



You've created a too-good-to-true character and set her up as an avenging angel. This is textbook first novel syndrome. A character has to have some flaws to be interesting. She has to make tough choices. Maybe even wrong choices. There's really nothing better than someone doing good for the wrong reason and getting in trouble for it.

Also, the villains here have zero nuance. Thus they are uninteresting. This is why it's very very hard to write compellingly about child abuse and sex crimes. The perpetrators aren't all that interesting; they're just ugly souls I don't want to spend much time with. 

It tells you something that a lot of people thought Omar the rip and run artist was the most interesting character on The Wire; that Satan is more interesting than Christ in Milton's Paradises Lost and Found.

What makes both Omar and Satan interesting is the choices they make. We have sympathy for them. We see their flaws. We know they're doing the wrong thing, but we see why they are doing it.


DISMEMBRISTS is a 95,000 word adult thriller exploring themes of trauma, vulnerability, friendship, betrayal, sacrifice, and love.

Mentioning themes in a query is not the way to go. Tell me about the story.

This is my first novel, though I've spent 20+ years conceiving and writing advertising. After reading so many accounts of campus and military sexual assault, I had to write a response. This is it, in time for the #MeToo movement.

Even if I sold this book tomorrow, it wouldn't be on the shelves for another 12-18 months. Don't put anything in your query that will make me think it's going to be outdated any time soon. And sorry to say, what's of interest to people in social media today doesn't always last. Do I hope we continue to talk about sexual violence? Damn straight I do. But don't bet your query on it.


Thank you for your time and consideration.



1) This novel has a lot of action, but it's about the complications and mounting tension in the main character's life. You mention a thriller has larger stakes than one person's life, so how would you categorize this? Suspense?

Suspense novels have an uncertain outcome. Generally in a thriller we know Our Hero will prevail, we just don't know how, or at what cost. In suspense novels we're not so sure of the outcome. This is neither a thriller nor a novel of suspense. It's a crime novel.

2) The book has 3 acts with tension and stakes building. This query is about the final conflict. Is that okay?

No. You want to tell me about what happens in the first act. If you're querying with what happens at the end of the book, it's sign that you don't have enough plot or enough at stake. 

3) I feel the current title would grab attention, but is it a bad idea to tip my hand? Other titles I've considered include DISARMING THE BEASTS, and PREDATOR'S TITHE.

Don't worry about the title. But yes, the one you have makes the book sound like a horror novel. That said, I don't even consider the title when I'm looking at a query. This isn't even close to the terrible titles that actual clients have chosen for their mss (yes, they got changed!)

4) While the protagonist is a woman, I don't consider this is chick lit. Cassie is an emotionally damaged, socially awkward Jason Bourne with a medical degree. Should I query chick lit agents or stick to thriller/suspense (or however you categorize this?)

This literally made me laugh out loud. You don't know what chick lit is do you? It's ok if you don't, it's a term that has to be learned like everything else. It's not a character flaw to not know everything. But chick lit is a term for  girl comes to city for job, finds love, battles love and bad boyfriends. In other words, books where the main character is the polar opposite of Jason Bourne.

Before you query anyone I'd suggest revising both the query and making sure the novel has enough plot, and three dimensional characters. I think you've got a problem there that this query illuminates.

#294-Revised once

Revision #1 

Dear QueryShark:

Thirteen-year-old Conrad wants to believe he's on the side of light, but jealousy, bitterness, and anger have always burned inside. Growing up in Pennsylvania's Foster Care System hardened him. He doesn't trust people or make bonds easily. Why bother? He knows he'll be shifted to a different home in no time.


Right off the bat the phrase "make bonds" troubles me.
If you mean he doesn't bond with people, bond is a verb and doesn't need the word make.
If you mean make friends, well, you need the word make but not bonds.

But what gives me pause is this is an awkward phrase, and you should have seen it during revision, and polished it.  Words are your tools and when I see them used poorly, it discourages me.

When Conrad is finally adopted, he's determined to make this home work. He doesn't even last two full days. Conrad's moved to a different home, but not in the normal way. A glowing opal jewel and a few words in a bizarre language propel him to the magical realm of Edynfell. The place Conrad was born.

That first sentence in this paragraph completely undercuts what you told us in the first paragraph. In paragraph one he doesn't trust anyone and he knows he'll be shifted in no time.
What makes this home different? 

Conrad meets his uncle, Burke, who explains that Conrad is a larst, a special being wielding amazing powers. Conrad's powers have been dormant for thirteen years and Burke needs to help Conrad awaken them.

this is where your story actually starts. In a fantasy novel, get to the magic QUICKLY cause those first two paragraphs made me think this was a book about a kid in foster care.

Conrad also learns that the once peaceful Edynfell was divided into twelve clans by a powerful dark larst, allowing chaos and evil to seep into the land. With Conrad returning, the time has come to unite the clans, but Conrad isn't the only one on this quest. His unknown cousin is on the same mission.

 You've finally got something interesting in the last sentence. Conrad's on a quest but he's not the only one.


One cousin is said to be a dark larst, the other light. One will bring peace to Edynfell, the other continued doom. But which is dark and which is light? Despite what Burke and his new friends say, Conrad's haunted by the suspicion that he's the dark larst of destruction.

 And this is where it's actually enticing. The main character who thinks he might be the villain of the piece. This is finally where I'd be interested. That means, move this up to the top of the query!

CONRAD OF EDYNFELL: THE KING'S JEWEL is a MG fantasy with 74,000 words and has potential to be a series. The protagonist is bi-racial along with an ethnically diverse group of characters.

Middle grade fantasy is always a series. Middle grade readers LOVE series (they're not alone in that) Usually you hear "don't say anything about a series" but for middle grade, it's different. Tell me how many zillion books you have in your head AND be prepared to offer up a list of the next three or four, with info on what happens in the books, and the overarching theme of the series if there is one.

 I am an experienced author of twelve published novels with Desert Breeze Publishing Inc. I am seeking representation to help grow my career.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is better but you're wasting a lot of time, and risking a quick dismissal by not having the good stuff at the start.

Revise, resend.



 ----------------------------------
Original query

I've been wading in the shark tank for countless hours, slushing through every single archived post. My eyes sting and I'm dehydrated from all the salt water, but it's been worth it! Harpooning all the advice in the archives, I've brutalized my original query so much that I feel as vicious as a Great White. Still, writing can always be improved!

Q1: Way back in the archives you asked an author why he/she would look for an agent if they already have 19 published novels. Do you think the sentence after my bio explains why I'm seeking representation? Is it okay to leave in?

Q2: Agents are looking for ethnically diverse characters, especially in children's stories and fantasy, right? I touch on this in the query AND state it in the housekeeping part. Is this okay or am I stuffing it in the agent's face?

Dear Query Shark,

In the realm of Edynfell there are magical beings called larsts. Conrad doesn't know what larsts are or that he's supposed to be one. In fact, Conrad knows very little about himself. Is he black, white, or mixed race? Is he actually thirteen years old?

The only thing Conrad knows for sure is he's stuck in Pennsylvania's Foster Care system. When he's adopted under bizarre circumstances, he discovers larsts, his own incredible background, and Edynfell.


I like that second paragraph a whole lot better than the first. It gives me a MUCH better idea of the story.  Even if you just switch the order, you'll be better off.

Conrad faces more than magic and monsters in this medieval-like realm. All teenage boys must train for the honor of becoming a knight, but greater things are at stake than knighthood. There are two possible larsts who can unite the divided clans of Edynfell: Conrad and a powerful dark larst whose cruel heart will destroy the realm.

This is all set up and background. I know you want to get us into the world, but it's more important to introduce us to Conrad so that we care about what happens to him. You haven't done that here yet.

This is also pretty abstract. Why are the clans divided? Why does anyone care? Why do they need to be united? Why are we so sure Conrad isn't the dark larst? (Now THAT would be a good story!)

The clans will unite when the twelve missing jewels from the Crest of Edynfell are collected. The problem is Conrad's lack of powers keeps him from believing he's a larst. Conrad needs to have faith in himself and his new friends to unite Edynfell before darkness rules.

Well, that's just not enough to carry a book. Something has to be at stake here, even in a middle grade novel. Something has to be at stake for us to care about what happens to the characters.  

Also, if he doesn't have powers, how is he a larst?
And what does his being multi-racial (paragraph one) have to do with anything? I actually like it better when race is just something a character is, not a plot point. But that means you don't mention his racial makeup till the housekeeping section since it's not a key part of the story.


CONRAD OF EDYNFELL: THE KING'S JEWEL is a MG fantasy with 75,000 words and has potential to be a series. The protagonist is bi-racial and I understand agents are seeking ethnically diverse characters.


Please leave out any kind of statement about what we're looking for. We know what we're looking for.

I am an experienced author of twelve published novels with Small Company Pubbing Books Inc. I am seeking representation to help grow my career into larger publishing companies and wider distribution. 


You want someone who can grow your career. You don't need to say anything else.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


This just doesn't stand out. It's not terrible. It's not even bad. But it's not fresh and new. It doesn't do what a query must do: entice me to read on. I don't read a lot of mg fantasy, but I've started to recently, and the ones that just heat up my enthusiasm teapot are the ones where I really care what happens to the characters. I don't care about Conrad yet, so this query  isn't effective yet.

Yes, we're looking for books with diverse characters, but that's in addition to a compelling plot, not in lieu of.

I think the problem here is the book, not the query.

As to your questions:


Q1: Way back in the archives you asked an author why he/she would look for an agent if they already have 19 published novels. Do you think the sentence after my bio explains why I'm seeking representation? Is it okay to leave in?

Yup. Yup.
You can actually leave it out too unless you want me looking up sales figures for your previous books.

Q2: Agents are looking for ethnically diverse characters, especially in children's stories and fantasy, right? I touch on this in the query AND state it in the housekeeping part. Is this okay or am I stuffing it in the agent's face?

Just tell me about the story. You can leave out anything about what I'm looking for. 

#293

Question: 

It has taken me countless edits of this query to get it where it is now, but it still garners no positive responses. I am wondering if I'm doing anything jarringly wrong and have yet to realize it. I also have a specific concern about mentioning so many characters and plot points in the query that may or may not make it confusing.

Dear Query Shark,

America in 2050 has never been in a better state, but military prodigy Alyssa Scarlet is at her very worst.

Let's start with military prodigy. Prodigy is generally defined as someone who demonstrate an exceptional talen at an early age. Mozart is the go-to example. Shirley Temple was another.

Your use of it here doesn’t tell me anything. Is Alyssa a six-year-old sniper? A twelve-year old general? (ok, that's a bad example, cause ALL twelve-year-olds think they're the family general.)

And it's quibbling, I know, but describing a country as being "in a better state" sounds off to me, given that states are geographical components of a country. At first glance when you hear America and state in the same sentence it's confusing. This is the kind of writing that tells me you're not stepping back to look at this with an objective eye. You know what you mean here and you're assuming/believing/hoping everyone else will too.

Revision is where you step back and think: how can someone misunderstand this, and then fixing/clarifying/changing words. (I should mention it took me YEARS to learn this, and only after daily blog posts with comments from readers that showed they didn't get what I was bumbling around trying to say.)
The pressures of being a politician’s goddaughter are becoming unbearable, especially with her obsessive compulsivity tearing away at her heart.

What?

This sentences has NO connection to the preceding sentence. Unless being a politician also means you're in the military.

And "obsessive compulsivity" makes me reach for my grammar school instructions for sentence diagramming. In other words you've stopped communicating and started confusing. This is NOT what you want to do in a query.

Sentences and paragraphs should flow one from another UNLESS you're deliberately veering to a new place for effect.


At this point, Alyssa’s not sure if she has one left, which is what makes her the perfect goddaughter to a crime lord.


One what?

And here's where I stop reading.

You've got a lot of description but nothing is clear.



But to be the perfect goddaughter, Alyssa must commit a number of crimes.

I'm pretty sure I've never asked any goddaughter of mine to commit a crime. On the surface this sentence is ridiculous. If there's a reason GodPops wants Alyssa out on a crime spree, you need to tell us. It's not something your reader will intuit.

She reluctantly accepts a job with her older sister, Avarice, a girl perpetually stuck in a place between mania and depression. Their latest target: murder Jason Drake and steal Excalibur, the sword of lightning. Unfortunately for them, criminal prodigy Jason Drake is at the best he’s ever been. At least, that’s what he tells himself.


None of this makes sense. You've got too much information without answering the basic questions of plot: What does Alyssa want and what's keeping her from getting it?
Also, two main characters with sound-alike names is something I'd always ask you to change before a ms went on submission (Alyssa/Avarice.) And using Avarice as a name sounds like a Puritan morality tale where Prudence and Chastity the blacksmith's daughters are subjected to the advance of Lewd and Lust the sons of the town's evil overlord. In other words, consider a name change.


Jason has his personal demons, but he doesn’t let them stop him from doing what he does best.

Personal demons is such a cliché that one of my colleagues started saying she'd only consider manuscripts with professional caliber demons. No more amateurs.





Thievery is practically his middle name, and his next target is Excalibur. But getting past security is the least of his problems. Jason has to think of a way to get away from his controlling older brother, Connor, and the very pretty girl who is after his sword and his heart— quite literally. And those are the things he knows about. Neither Jason nor Alyssa know about the sequestered elves with a vendetta. The island of Avalon has a war to win, and they’re willing to sacrifice the human side of their captives in order to forge the perfect weapons. Alyssa and Jason must find a way off the island, or depend on their families to rescue them, which may end in disaster.

Since I've stopped reading, I won't see this but again you've got so much information here that my head is spinning. Focus!

Excalibur and Avalon are specific names we associate with an established story. Unless you're retelling that story, with a new twist, it's better to have your own names for things.

To help her find the pair, Avarice enlists the help of Jade, a schizophrenic girl who calls the basement her Wonderland, and Connor, the boy who is practically married to his money. Their goals are clear in the beginning, but the underhanded politics of their nation beg the question of where their loyalties really lie, ensuing America’s second civil war. Even if Alyssa and Jason escape Avalon, will they ever escape war?



I need a sword of lightning here to cut through the underbrush. You've got five named characters (three is the most you should have) not counting the swords and the locations.


THE LIGHTNING INHERENT is a YA Science-Fiction novel that includes LGBT themes, racial diversity, characters with mental illness, and social justice themes that give the book a dark contemporary twist.

Social justice is dark? Really? I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant to convey.

THE LIGHTNING INHERENT is complete at 95,000 words and is available upon request.

Of course it's available on request. You don't need to state the obvious.


Thank you in advance for your consideration,


This is over written.

It reads like a first draft, and yes, I know you have worked on it but you haven't honed it down to the essentials. Revise OUT everything that isn't about Alyssa and Jason. Focus on the main story.

And yes, you have entirely too many characters and plot points.



Revise, resend.

#292

Question: I have revised my query until my fingers bled. And yet nothing. So I am wondering if I'm doing something in my query to put agents off without realising it.


Dear QueryShark:

Loren Blake is taking down the patriarchy one revenge plot at a time.

Well I'm all for that, but this doesn't give us any sense of of what's at stake.


As long as she can get away with it.

And this doesn't help. It's too abstract.


When she starts dating school goth Alexa their relationship is like pouring gasoline on the fire and she finds out just how far she is willing to go for the people she loves and what she's willing to sacrifice to protect them.


Too abstract. 
Gasoline on a fire is a cliche. 

She discovers that a boy in her school has raped her closest friend and knows that the only way to stop him is to kill him. Loren doesn’t believe in second chances.

Aha, finally!
Here's where the story starts. 
Why does she think the only way to stop him is to kill him?

And you can bet that by now, she knows how to get away with it.

The Gospel According to Loren Blake is my first novel, it is YA contemporary complete at 84,000 words. It has an lgbt protagonist and is #ownvoices. I am a thirty year old private tutor with purple hair that made me a poor fit for my previous career in teaching.


Your main character's name is an oddity. Laurell K. Hamilton wrote the Anita Blake vampire series. That info was just a squiggle in my brain as I read this, but my first thought was you were paying homage to those books, or that author. (The Goth reference above probably got me thinking like that.)
If you ARE, fine. If you're NOT, you might consider a name change.

I have included the first ten pages and a synopsis below. I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to hearing from you.

Of course you hope I enjoy it. That's like saying you hope I'll keep breathing while I read it. I'm picky about this stuff because I like to see a query that doesn't state the obvious. If you do that here, you'll do it in the novel.  Yes, persnickty and nitpicky. But there's a reason for that.

The only way to close a query is Thank you for your time and consideration.

The answer to your question is yes, this query doesn't do the job. 
You've got the goods, this is an interesting plot, and you've got voice (I know that from your description of yourself) but this query doesn't show that well enough.


Revise, resend.

#291

Questions:
Will beginning each part of my book with a stanza be a total turn-off for agents? Not including it in a response to a request for pages would be dishonest; but I realize the only other creatures in the sea who share my love of poetry might be cryptozoological.

Is including supplementary/reference material at the end of a manuscript frowned upon? (Not as extreme as Operation Red Jericho)

Dearest Carcharodon Inquiro,
Filo is a glitch in a centuries-old U.N. plan. The Academy was designed to admit one child from each family. There shouldn’t have been any siblings. Filo and his brother must decide which of them is to attend and which must stay behind. When another child fails to show on Collection day, Filo secretly takes Silas’ place. He thinks he is merely an imposter protecting his frightened friend. He is trying to fit into a hole he was not designed for.


This is a hot mess of backstory and explanation. SIMPLIFY! I should be able to read this paragraph straight through without pausing to think "huh??" and at the end know what problem the main character faces. Yes, it's really hard to get it right.  It helps to prune out everything that doesn't matter, AND go in chronological order.

Filo is a glitch in a centuries-old U.N. plan.
The Academy was designed to admit one child from each family.
The Academy admits one child from each family.
There shouldn’t have been any siblings.
Filo and his brother must decide which of them is to attend and which must stay behind.
When another child fails to show on Collection day, Filo secretly takes Silas’ place.
(I'm assuming that Filo's brother is NOT Silas' but that is not clear here at all.)

He thinks he is merely an imposter protecting his frightened friend.
He is trying to fit into a hole he was not designed for.
But: he's not. And this is where the query goes flat. If he's not just an imposter, what is he?

At the Advancement Academy, 21 students are instructed in the ways of an ideal Humanity. A perfected gene-pool, crafted ethics, and dogged morals. Their charter from the United Nations is to restore mankind to a better state.

Eleven years later, all Filo wants is to complete his training unnoticed. To maintain calm and order. A resurgence of suppressed memories and the appearance of Silas dissolve this balance and bring Filo under the microscope. He can either escape the compound with Silas or stay and let the Academy run its course. Escape would jeopardize not only the success of his fellows, but the entire species. If he stays, he might be collateral damage.


And here's where I've stopped reading. That entire first paragraph is now backstory. It's clear the main part of the plot takes place here, eleven years later. And what you've written is too abstract to be interesting. I'm confused about who Silas is, I have no idea what happened to his brother, and I thought "The Academy" was an institution not something like a disease.

Then there’s the matter of being an asexual male charged with repopulating the planet.

Huh? Where the everloving holy moly did that come from?


INITUS is 47,000 words of young adult fiction and deals with the paradoxes of ethics and diversity from the revolving viewpoints of Filo, his brother, their co-conspiring classmates, and Silas. INITUS is GENESIS with a human instigator -- a real-life macrocosmic ‘Take Two’.

I don't understand any of that. 

And there's no way you can write any kind of complex world-building-required fantasy in 47,000 words. You'll need twice that.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

As to your questions:


(1) Will beginning each part of my book with a stanza be a total turn-off for agents? Not including it in a response to a request for pages would be dishonest; but I realize the only other creatures in the sea who share my love of poetry might be cryptozoological.

 It wouldn't be dishonest at all. I'm not sure why you think it would be. Lots of things get added to a book betwixt submission to an agent and publication. Glossaries, indexes, timelines, maps, and epigraphs (which is what you're talking about.)

You can include them if you want of course. I personally find them distracting and useless but I just skip over them. I don't stop reading if you include them.



(2) Is including supplementary/reference material at the end of a manuscript frowned upon? (Not as extreme as Operation Red Jericho)

This is added later if the editor thinks it's beneficial.  For example, there are extensive author notes in Gary Corby's historical novels about the real life events and timeline for the world he's created. All of that is added after the book has been edited.


Those things aren't even close to your problem here though.

Your problem is two fold: a hot mess of confusion in the query, and word count in the book.

First things first: figure out what you left out of the book if you think it's finished at 47K. Then rework the query to show us:

Who is the main character?
What does he want?
What is keeping him from getting what he wants?
What must she sacrifice to get what he wants?

#290-Revised once

Revision

Dear Queryshark,

Aisha Batu is not a typical housemaid. She is educated, she wears expensive clothes, and her employers Henry and Teju Cole have become her informal, foster parents. But her old this tranquil life suddenly changes when she is raped. By Henry.

It's not an old life that's disrupted, it's the way she's living now, in the present day, as the story unfolds.

Physically broken and emotionally shattered, Aisha stumbles through her days with only one thing on her mind: getting back to her home village, Gaa Sabi. Gaa Sabi means her dysfunctional opportunistic family, her betrothed - Attahiru, and more importantly, it means keeping the terrible betrayal to herself.

Show us how she feels by what she does. Stumbles is a good word to convey that she's not doing well. Why does she have to keep the terrible betrayal to herself? That's the part of the story that creates tension. If this is discovered, what bad thing will happen?


 But nothing in Aisha's life is that simple anymore... Not only is her return to Gaa Sabi complicated by a positive pregnancy test  – but Teju has just been diagnosed with terminal leukemia and with less than three months left to live, specifically requests for Aisha as her end-of-days caregiver. Torn between grief and loyalty, she puts aside her intense fear for the man who has assaulted her and chooses to stay.


 Why the everloving hell would she do that?

 You have two very separate things in one sentence: "Not only is her return to Gaa Sabi complicated by a positive pregnancy test  – but Teju has just been diagnosed with terminal leukemia"

Since Teju is NOT in Gaa Sabi, it doesn't make sense to have it follow the "not only is her return to Gaa Sabbi" clause.

 Consider this:
Torn between grief and loyalty, she puts aside her intense fear for the man who has assaulted her and chooses to stay can she put aside her intense fear to help a woman she loves like a mother during her final days? And then of course, there's the pregnancy.





Amidst caring for Teju, avoiding Henry without raising suspicion and discouraging a hell-bent suitor, Aisha manages to keep her pregnancy to herself and negotiate her life as normally as she could
manage. Until yet another potential tumult is thrown at her, revealing what she's fought so hard to hide, and threatening to take away all she has; her unborn child, Teju, and even her chance at love. Aisha must decide what is most important to her, face her fears and fight her battles, and learn how to hope again in the face of devastating heartbreak.

So you've set this up nicely and now you throw in all this other stuff, and it's so abstract as to be meaningless. 


WHEN I WAKE, is a women's fiction complete at 95,000 words. I have included the first chapter as required and would be happy to send the completed manuscript on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

You don't need to say the first chapter is requested. Most agents are pretty familiar with their own submission guidelines.

You're getting closer.
Revise, resend.

---------------------------------------------------

Question, I'm an African, and this novel is African-themed, do I need to query agents who strictly represents African writers or do I generally query agents who represents books in my genre?

Dear QueryShark,
When Aisha, a young Fulani maid, chooses to stay with her dying foster mother, she has no idea she'd be investing her heart for an emotional whirlwind. 

This isn't a log line (which I think you intended it to be.) You don't need a log line in a query, and if you did, a good log line is less about description (a young Fulani maid) and more about action.

Aisha Batu is not a typical housemaid. She is educated, she wears expensive clothes, and her employers Henry and Teju Cole has have become her informal, foster parents. But her old tranquil life suddenly changes when she is raped. By Henry.

This paragraph is a much more dynamic set up than what you had for a log line. It's specific. It gives us a sense of the characters, and we have an emotional response to what happens. In other words: start with this.

Reeling emotionally from the storm caused by her foster father's betrayal, she Aisha resolves to return to her home village to heal. However, Teju - her foster mum - gets devastating news; she has leukemia and has less than three months left to live. Torn between grief and her sense of duty, Aisha is forced chooses to put her intense fear and hatred for Henry at bay and stay with her dying foster mom.

Aisha isn't forced, she chooses. That's the actual strength of the story.  You don't need to tell us Teju is Aisha's foster mom again since you introduced her in the preceding paragraph.

Reeling emotionally from the storm is just overwrought writing and really out of place here. Don't be afraid to be plain. Aisha was raped by a man she trusted. We don't need to be told she's reeling; WE are reeling with her.

 With the clock ticking out the seconds of Teju's life, and the struggling through hospital visits, endless tests and fainting spells, the extraordinary bond between both women deepens. As Aisha works on piecing her life together, she watches Teju's own fade away. Determined to make Teju's final days as joyful and painless as possible, she keeps Henry's brutal attack to herself. 

 The charade is kept up until she When Aisha discovers she is pregnant, and soon her secret is out. Her reticent friendship with Teju is disrupted, and she faces the risk of losing everything she has ever cared for. She must decide the depth of her loyalty, how far she could go for love, and, in the face of devastating heartbreak, learn how to hope again.

 Reticent is the wrong word here. It's a word that describes a person not a friendship. You might have meant nascent. But, nascent would imply she's just now becoming friends with Teju, and that doesn't feel right. Aishu is choosing to stay with her; surely that means they were friends of long standing.

I also don't understand what any of "risk of losing everything" etc means. She is going to lose Teju. I hope she's kicking Henry to the curb in terms of any kind of filial devotion. What else does she have to lose? Be specific here. Specificity will engage your readers; generalities will not.

WHEN I WAKE, a one sided narrative adult fiction is complete at 95,000 words. I have attached included the first chapter as required and would be happy to send the completed manuscript on request.

I'm not sure what one sided means here.  
Unless instructed otherwise, you'll include the pages in the email NOT attach them as a document of any sort.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


You should query every agent who represents commercial fiction, literary fiction or women's fiction. Do not limit yourself to agents who've expressed interest in African stories. As far as I can see here, there is nothing uniquely African in this story. It's much more of a universal story. That it is set in Africa (I assume) is a bonus.

 I'm not sure if English is your first or second language. If it's your second, get a native speaker to review this with you to pick out problems like "reticent." If it's your first language, get a good copy editor to help you find problems like "reticent."

Revise with an eye to being very specific about what's at stake for Aisha.

#289

Question: So in my end paragraph as you'll see that I included comments about the representation that's in my story. And yes, I'm trying to think of a less generic title. But anyways, do you think it's alright to put that there? We need representation in books and I know that many agents and readers are looking for that, so I thought it might be a good idea.

Dear Hungry Query Shark,

All that beautiful and intelligent Tinkerbell wants is to survive, though granted she does it differently than other UnSeelie Fae. Neverland is a fun-filled wonderland, and Tinkerbell has happily spent her centuries luring children there with the help of her brainwashed, broken, and beloved Peter Pan. There children are safe from that nasty outside world full of horrific pain, and can be carefree and always happy. Until the day prior to their thirteenth birthday.

That sound you hear is me screeching with frustration at "beautiful and intelligent." Wait, I hear you saying, what?? How can that be bad??

It's not so much bad as boring.  Compare it to "brainwashed, broken and beloved" or even better "useless, nasty, scum filled" both of which are MUCH more interesting. And I have a real thing about female characters being described by how they look first, rather than what they do. You've escaped the full cauldron of rage with "intelligent" but you're still in the soup cause intelligent really doesn't have much zip.

If Tinkerbell is your main character, you want some zip in her description. You do NOT want boring.

You could actually chop that entire first sentence and be better off.


But now some useless, nasty, scum-filled imaginary friend by the name of Wendy has come along. She thinks Tinkerbell’s Neverland is barbaric, that Peter Pan needs to be saved, that Neverland needs to come crashing down and Tinkerbell must die. So naturally, Tinkerbell wants her gone. But paradise has gotten boring, so she decides upon a game rather than just sending the snivelling little thing to whatever afterlife imaginary friends have.

This is vivid writing. I love it. I'm not sure I completely understand why Wendy hates Neverland, but I don't really care. Right now I'm enticed. That's all you need.

Thus it’s a chess game to keep control over Peter Pan; whoever captures the king’s his mind wins the chess game. If Tinkerbell wins she’ll make sure a fate worse than evisceration awaits her opponent. But if Wendy wins, one way or another Neverland will fall.

It took me a second to realize that Peter Pan and "the king" are the same guy.  You can avoid that by using him, rather than calling Peter Pan by a new designation in the same sentence.

In short form writing like query letters, one trick for clarity is not calling the characters more than one thing.

NEVERLAND is a 61,000 word YA psychological thriller retelling of Peter Pan, and is told from the point of views of both Tinkerbell and Wendy. There are examples of racial diversity as well as LGBTA+ diversity in my manuscript, as I believe diversity in literature is essential. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


As to your question: I think this is a nice concise way to alert agents and editors that your book is inclusive. And yes, editors are telling us they're looking for inclusive books, so it's a good idea to have it there.

I don't hate the title. 

This needs some polishing up, but after that I think it's ready to go out.

#288-FTW

QUESTIONS:
1) Initially I had more words dedicated to each section, but worried it’d be nothing but loglines and you’d eat me alive. Is focusing extensively on the first two parts the right way to go, or do I need to diminish them to slightly flesh out the other parts?
2) The "alliances form" paragraph describes events in the last ~10% of the novel. Since each part has its own arc and stakes, is it cheating to use the end of the book like this?

Dear QueryShark,

Abbi Abrams loves hunting demons. She also sucks at it. She's fired for letting a couchtar escape (a couch-human centaur, by the way). In drunken woe, Abbi quite literally falls into a clutch of demon eggs (apocalyptically bad, by the way). Abbi fears she's a mediocre screwup, but she's also the only one who can stop a demonic conspiracy from obliterating her town.

We cross the universe.

Oasa scours the cosmos, finding the last piece of her mother's crown in the claws of an old friend. He asks a favor: transport the son of the alien zealot who butchered Oasa's mother. Oasa reluctantly agrees, but so-called allies betray them. She flees, desperately seeking the human homeworld of legend. Instead, Oasa unearths the horrifying origin of her royal lineage.

We travel onward.

A self-loathing scientist chases a serial killer across time.
A lovelorn angel escorts a woman through demon country.
A British mother discovers the sorcerer shopkeeper in her neighborhood.
A C.I.A. agent hunts her terrorist ex-boyfriend.
A friendless tween survives an island of monsters.
A vengeful synthetic liberates his people.

Alliances form. Enemies are made. A bloody battle ensues. And when the negotiations begin, these eight must figure out how to save the world from each other, and how to make the world a place worth saving.

LEGENDS is my first novel, a genre-blending episodic adventure. At 176,000 words, LEGENDS is The Avengers without superheroes, Bone Clocks with more punching.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


The hell with the critique, send the manuscript toot sweet. (ok, I know it's tout suite) This query breaks almost every rule in the book. It also works. Why? Well for starters, the voice. It's vibrant. It's fun. It's enticing.

And there's a couchtar. How would I NOT read a book with a couchtar?
And yes, I know the author made that up, but still, it's hilarious.

And then there's the phrase "mediocre screwup" which made me laugh out loud.

At this point, I'm unplugging my laptop and carrying it out of my office and getting second reads on the query from my colleagues here.

And yes, they all thought it was funny and charming.

And of course, too long by a wide margin, but that STILL didn't stop us from wanting to read it.
It did make us demand a synopsis with the manuscript, but the key information here is WE WANTED TO READ A 176K novel!

Never let anyone tell you that 176K is a deal breaker. It may be to some (lesser) agents, but here at The Reef we sneer at such things. I'd rather pare something down than not have enough story.

This query works.

Now to answer your questions, cause even though I've already demanded you send me the full, you will KEEP QUERYING.

(1) Focusing on two is fine. I'm assuming these two are the characters who first appear in the book. It will help if they appear in the order they do in the query too. That means Abbi first, Oasa second.  If I start reading pages and neither Abbi nor Oasa appear fairly quickly, I'll probably start skimming to find them.

(2) It's fine to use it. And it would wreck the rhythm here if you didn't. Write what works, even if "the rules" say otherwise.

Did  I mention send this ASAP enough?

#287-Revised 1x

Dear Query Shark:

Realtor Reed Winford suspects something is wrong with the historic house he has agreed to sell for an old client but he thinks at worst it is bad plumbing or a leaky roof. The last thing he expects is the ghost of a young jazz-age woman who lived in the home in the 1920s and who was murdered a hundred years ago.



And here's where I stopped reading this revision.
This paragraph is an exact replica of the first revision; the one I wrote four paragraphs of notes on last time.

Failing to revise is fine. You don't have to follow my advice at all.

What you can't do is not follow my advice and then ask for more. That seems a poor use of time for both of us.

I see this less in queries, and more in novels. When I give notes to prospective clients, there's always the chance they think I'm delusional, off my rocker, have no taste, or a myriad of other reasons they think the advice is flawed.  Such is the way of subjective evaluations of any art form.

But then sending the novel back for further consideration, that's where I lose my cool. If you think I'm wrong, why the hell would you want me to represent your work.




Winford knows he must find a way to remove the haunting in order to sell the house. His business is selling homes and he has a job to do. He uses clues from old records, maps and antiques found at the home to track the woman’s prior locations when she was alive. As he’s drawn deeper into this woman’s tragic life, he begins to have real feelings for her. Now he wants justice for her death. He talks to the police, title researchers and the ghost herself, trying to find out who killed her and why.

When someone tries to murder Winford, he discovers that she may not be the only ghost, and that the evil which killed this wonderful woman is still in the city and must be confronted and destroyed.

Winford tracks down the source of corruption using smuggler’s maps and old photographs dug up from a grave. His skills pay off when he is able to discover the crime family’s headquarters as well as their secret to remaining in power even after death.

Writing books like this is the best way I've found to combine my two biggest hobbies: writing and real estate. I’ve been published in Chicken Soup for the Soul, Boy’s Life and Capper’s Weekly. I’ve won the Crowder College Golden Quill Award.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------

First revision
Realtor Reed Winford suspects something is wrong with the historic house he has agreed to sell for an old client but he thinks at worst it is bad plumbing or a leaky roof. The last thing he expects is the ghost of a young jazz-age flapper who lived in the home in the 1920s and who was murdered a hundred years ago.

These sentences convey information but not vitality. Remember the purpose of a query is to entice your reader (ie me) to want to read more, not just tell me about the book you've written. A query is more like a sales pitch than an informational interview.

One of the fastest and easiest way to punch up the vitality of a query is to ditch those long ass sentences. Short, sweet, hubba hubba.

For example: Realtor Reed Winford suspects something is wrong with the historic house he has agreed to sell for an old client. At worst it is bad plumbing or a leaky roof. The last thing he expects is the ghost of a young jazz-age flapper who lived in the home in the 1920s and who was murdered a hundred years ago.

You don't always need complete sentence: At worst, bad plumbing or a leaky roof.
You don't need to repeat yourself: jazz-age flapper, 1920's


Winford knows he must find a way to remove the haunting in order to sell the house. His business is selling homes and he can’t let a ghost ruin a deal. He uses his real estate skills and clues from old records, maps and antiques found at the home to track the woman’s prior locations when she was alive. As he’s drawn deeper into this woman’s tragic life, he begins to have real feelings for her. Now he wants justice for her death. He talks to the police, title researchers and the ghost herself, trying to find out who killed her and why.

You don't remove the haunting, you remove the ghost.
You don't need every single piece of information that you've got here. This is not a checklist for a home inspection!


When Then someone tries to murder Winford with an old car and an ancient safe, he discovers that she may not be the only ghost. The evil which killed this wonderful woman is still in the city and must be confronted and destroyed.


Winford tracks down the source of corruption using smuggler’s maps and old photographs dug up from a grave. His real estate dective skills pay off when he is able to discover the crime family’s headquarters as well as their secret to remaining in power even after death.

Don't reveal the entire plot in the query. At MOST you want the first act.

I’ve been published in (this), (that)  and (them). I’ve won the (That) Award. I live in the Seattle area and the locations in the book are real.

The fact you live in Seattle and locations are real isn't a selling point. It's a novel; you can make it all up if you want. That the locations are ACCURATE is my big sticking point. I can't stand when writers get the geography of a real place wrong. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Thank you for changing the name of the main character. That helps a lot.

Now, it's time to spruce up the writing here. A query needs to be vivid. It's not just a conveyance.

And if your query reflects the writing in your novel, you'll need to take a look at that too. Remember a query is intended to entice me to read the novel. If the novel isn't spruced up that's not the fault of your query!

Reflect, revise, resend.

----------------------



Original query

The centennial of the Roaring Twenties is coming, and there will be a resurgence of interest in that era. This novel combines the mystery, romance, fantasy and history of that time. Realtor to the Dead, a paranormal mystery of 118,000 words, describes how a modern day real estate agent handles a house haunted by a crime from that era. 

Your query doesn't need a prologue. Start with the story.
And it's almost always a terrible idea to project where readers interest will be going. Given the popularity of Downton Abbey right now, a "resurgence" in interest in the 20's may very well have come and gone.


(MC NAME) is an agent who enjoys his career but always seems to get stuck with the difficult house listings. He thinks his luck is about to change when he gets to list an early 1900's beach-front house in the suburbs of Seattle. GERTRUDE SEDGWICK is a 99-year old woman who is selling the home, which has been in her family for many years, although she suspects something is wrong with the house she's trying to sell. And she’s right.

Start with something interesting. That MC enjoys his career is nice, but it's not very interesting.


(MC) finds a ghost in the home during an open house. He discovers she is a young jazz-age flapper girl who used to live in the home in the 1920’s, and who was murdered nearly a hundred years ago. (MC) uses his real estate skills (and a dug-up bootlegger relic from the Antiques Roadshow) to track down the woman’s prior locations, using historical property documents and maps. He finds an underground speakeasy in Seattle’s historic district. This leads to talks with police, title researchers and the ghost herself. Who killed this woman and why? What connection does it have to one of the city's richest immigrant families? Who is trying to kill (MC) through antique automobiles and an ancient safe? It gets worse when they try to destroy the house (MC) is trying to sell, by attacking it during the filming of a reality TV show.

You're getting lost in events here. What's at stake for our MC? Why does he want to solve her murder?


(MC)is also drawn deeper into feelings for the dead woman. This sends him on a quest to get closer to her by using antique telephones, eyeglasses and phonograph records. He takes it a step further in an intimate scene involving an antique magic trick!

This is so abstract I don't know what you mean. For starters you HAVE feelings, you don't get drawn deeper into them. I've jumped up and down about plain writing here more times than I can count but it bears repeating. Plain and simple is almost always the best way forward.


(MC) tracks down the criminal source using smuggler’s maps and old photographs dug up from a graveyard. His real estate detective skills pay off when he’s able to discover the crime family’s headquarters, as well as their secret to eternal life.

oh. Eternal life huh.
Well, that moves it right off the crime shelf and into something else.

I have published short works in Chicken Soup for the Soul, THIS and THAT. I have won THOSE College's SPLENDID Award. It was more fun and personal to name the agent/detective after myself. I live in the Seattle area, and the book’s locations are real.

Naming the protagonist after yourself is textbook confusion for an agent reading this. I thought it was memoir when I read it first. If I'd gotten this in the slush I would have rejected it instantly cause it looked like you were talking about yourself in the the third person.  

I STRONGLY urge you to revisit this choice. It doesn't add value, and it makes your query ripe for misunderstanding. That is not what you want.

Please be an agent to this agent!

I'm also at work on another novel.

(MC name)


It's pretty clear you haven't read all or even enough of the Query Shark archives yet. There's a template for getting plot on the page, and a template for a closing line. You've missed both of those. You don't have to follow all the rules, but if you break them it should be for a reason, not cause you don't know them.

Read the archives.
Revise.
Resend.