#143-Revised

Dear Query Shark:

Elizabeth will be convicted of sedition and Transported. Jocelyn, exposed for the spy she is. Meredith hanged for piracy.

Is there a reason the t in transported is capitalized?

That's what will happen to her sisters should Alicia Atherean choose to ignore the instructions outlined in a letter penned by the most influential persons in London.

I'm a big fan of starting where the story starts. Here it seems to be: If Alicia Atherean ignores the instructions of (insert blackguard's name) then (list all that stuff from the first paragraph).

Now here's where your query falls apart. The very next sentence should be: If she DOES follow instructions then (equally, possibly even more, dastardly event) will happen.

The juxtaposition gives you a sense of the stakes and tension. Everything you have right now is just blathery set up.

Then you say what the instructions are and they should be heinous.

The letter details the reason why the four of them have been threatened. A conspiracy exists. Should it come to fruition, the result will strip India of its sovereignty and shift the balance of power within the British Empire away from the Crown and Parliament.

blah blah blah

Her blackmailers have decided that Alicia and her sisters are uniquely situated to prevent that from happening as those orchestrating the conspiracy want her and her sisters dead.

more blah

They will be bait, but not forsaken. Persons of exceptional skills and powerful motivations have been dispatched to assist each of them.

more of same

One such person, Michael Sayre, a Lieutenant with allegiences to Whitehall and the Guards, sits in front of her now and awaits her answer.

Is he the blackguard? I just want to know who the bad guy is.

I'm increasingly annoyed by queries that clearly haven't run a simple spell czech. 

She'll go. She'll do what she has to do. But not just because of the threats levied against her sisters.

The true incentive to ensure her cooperation is the promise detailed in the third paragraph of that letter.

We're way too far in to the query for this little piece of news. The stakes must be earlier.

Her blackmailers will make the outstanding warrant for her arrest, issued nearly ten years ago for murder, disappear.

I hope she murdered someone truly dastardly or you're having us root for a murderer. Not that I don't of course-- all things being equal-- but you're writing for a more genteel audience than the bloodthirsty denizens of The Reef.

Valkyrie Park: A Lady’s Gamble is the first in a four-part series of historical adventure novels set during Napoleon’s ‘Hundred Days’. It follows Lady Alicia Atherean from her Hell in Calcutta to a secret rendezvous in London. At 120,000 words, the novel is complete. The next three books, detailing the adventures of Their Ladyships Elizabeth McMorrow-Catherwood, Jocelyn Rosemonte, and Meredith Rhethage, are in various stages of completion. Thorough outlines for each book are available.

oh nooo. No no no. Time to break the bad news that this is a million word saga is later. Much later. Like---if asked in a hopeful tone "is there more."

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,

This still isn't sharp and focused enough.  Get rid of all the blather. Set up the stakes of the book. That's all we really need to know. All you have to do is entice me to read on. 


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Dear Query Shark,

Winter, 1815: Four women – each made sisters by childhood tragedies – are forced, by threat of the hangman’s noose, to commit treason against the Crown for the sake of the Crown.

A devious plan to seize total control of India, and assassinate the Prince Regent should the need arise, is discovered. All available clues point to persons operating within the East India Trading Company. The vicious scheme would have succeeded more than twenty years ago had not a certain French upstart embroiled all of Europe in war.

In an up-stairs room at Almacks, a desperate countermeasure is devised. 

You've set the scene with the first two paragraphs. NOW you have to get specific: who are the players and what's at stake.

If a warmonger caused these men to halt their machinations the first time, then – God, forgive them – he shall be re-released onto the world once more. Only then, while victories are achieved with cannon, shot and blood, will this group of men within the East India Trading Company be vulnerable to investigation.

I absolutely do not understand what you're trying to say here. Who is them? The four women release Napoleon from Elba? 

The stakes are high. If these men succeed, there will be no way to remove them from their places of power and persuasion. Should these four women – a Privateer, a Calcutta madam, a spy in King Louis court and a Midland raider – win the day, then the ruling seat of the British Empire remains in London and they get to keep their heads.

I just don't have a sense of what's going on here. You've got to be very specific about what happens.

The clock is ticking. The challenge to Bonaparte’s rampage commenced the moment Napoleon sailed from St. Elba. The moment the Frenchman concedes defeat is the same moment in which these men will execute the final steps in their plan.

I'm not sure what the connection is between seizing control of India and anything going on in Europe. You said there is one, but not what it is. Or why it's important.

At 125,000 words, Valkyrie Park is a female-centric novel steeped in historical fact and rich adventure set against the backdrop of Napoleon’s ‘Hundred Days’.

You're telling me this is a female-centric novel but only talking about men. I know you're trying to avoid character soup, but this isn't the way to do it.



Thank you very much for your time and your consideration.

This doesn't work yet.

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Dear QueryShark:

VALKYRIE PARK: A Lady's Gamble

Don't start with the title.

Alicia Atherean cannot step foot in London , or any other town in Britain . For those who commit murder, even if it was ten years ago and the only means to prevent the sale of her younger sister’s virginity, there is no justification, has no Statute of Limitation, no appeal. Especially when there was – is – a witness.

Your first sentence is good. Then you switch into a much more distant, narrative voice. "For those" is the culprit. And there IS a justification; you just told us what it is.

Now a Calcutta madam, Alicia – Mesteren as she is now called – operates her establishment Odin’s Fare as one of India ’s premier hells. Only her adopted grandfather, a sitting Board member for the East India Trading Company, knows that Lady Atherean and Mesteren is the same person.

Ok, but, where does the story start? So far I know she can't go back to London, and she's in India. This isn't an actual plot.

She’s used to doing what she has to do in order to keep her employees safe and her past a secret. That’s why, when she finds out about a break-in at her grandfather’s house and hears reports of two different men quietly interrogating her staff, she issues orders to have the perceived perpetrators brought to her.

Still no plot. And by plot I mean a reason to care about what happens, a reason to read on. So far this is just description. It's not BAD description but it's also not enticing description.

Graeson Allerton, a member of the Calvary Guards, can’t leave London just because the esteemed and highly influential Lady Constance Hawthenford deems it. Jonathan Ward, a former Whitehall ‘Finder’ and life-long friend of Allerton, is selected as a comparable replacement. Ward is talented, tenacious, and doesn’t share a past with the woman he’s being sent to find.

and we're done. You've got too many characters here and nothing enticing. There's NO connection with Alica. You assume "the woman he's being sent to find" will convey "Alicia" but it does NOT. In short form writing i.e. query letters you don't have enough time or space to call characters anything but their names OR their primary relationship to the main character.

Jonathan notes everything Gray tells him about Alicia: the little he knows of the status of her sisters, the Hawthenford connection, and the last time Gray actually saw Alicia – when she shot a man at point-blank range. Jonathan also takes possession of a very important letter, a letter that Jonathan cannot fail to hand-deliver to Alicia.

This is over written. Too much detail, but not enough sense of what's at stake here.

Jonathan is primed for action. Increasingly restless since Bonaparte arrived on St. Elba, hanging about Whites and propping up walls at balls and soirees are habits he doesn’t enjoy fostering. He’s looking forward to committing his considerable talents to the task of locating a long lost Lady by the deadline Hawthenford imposed.

For Jonathan, the trick to finding someone has everything to do with making them wanting to find you more than you want to find them.

What four women? I know who you mean from the previous edition of the query but in this query I don't.

Also, focus on ONE main character, and her plotline. You can say it's a "sweeping saga" of some sort to let me know there are lots of people, but much like if you were querying for GONE WITH THE WIND you'd mention only Scarlett and Rhett; maybe Ashley, and that's it.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

This is too jumbled and unenticing to catch my eye yet. I might read a page or two of the novel cause we're all looking for good historicals, but I'm pretty sure this is a form rejection.

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Dear Query Shark,

November, 1814: Four women are blackmailed with deportation, incarceration, exposure and treason into rescuing the sovereignty of a nation and the life of the Prince Regent.

Rescuing the sovereignty of a nation? What the heck does that mean? And how is someone blackmailed with deportation? Or Incarceration? Or exposure? Or treason? These sentences literally do not make sense to me. This is a VERY bad sign in a query. Don't be afraid of plain writing. It's harder to do than it looks. Simple direct sentences are the bones of the query. Start with them.


Alicia: living in exile for murder, she has become Mesteren, a successful Madam in India.

Meredith: wilful and fearless, more pirate than privateer, she’s well-aware that someone within the Admiralty wants her head in a noose.

Jocelyn: a Whitehall spy stationed in Paris and trapped between those aligned with King Louis, those faithful to Bonaparte, and those intent on achieving power of their own.

Elizabeth: resentful of the trappings associated with a title she never asked for, she finds satisfaction in raiding the countryside and smuggling contraband with her band of marauders.

This is a list of characters who have some sort of nefarious past. It doesn't tell me a darn thing about what happens in the book.

These four women – aristocrats by birth, criminals by choice, and sisters by circumstance - possess the talents and tools to accomplish what men of power and stature cannot: to thwart a conspiracy devised by a group of men within the East India Trading Company to make their boardroom the true seat of the British Empire.

Ok, so here you finally get to the plot. And again, you're lost in your phrases. What exactly does the East India Trading Company intend to do? Move Buckingham Palace to Bombay? Kidnap the King? Kidnap the Queen and marry her off?



Valkyrie Park is an 85,000 word historical romance novel in the rich tradition of Diana Gabaldon and Stephanie Laurens.. Though I envision it as the first part of a four-part series, Valkyrie Park easily stands alone.

This paragraph made me laugh out loud. "Rich tradition" of Diana Gabaldon is a worthy goal, but I know you haven't come close even though I've not read a single word. This is how I know: 85,000 words.

If you look up the text stats on Amazon for OUTLANDER, Diana Gabaldon's amazing first novel you'll find it's closer to 300K. VOYAGER is 383K.

Even Stephanie Laurens' mass market paperbacks run 125K or so.

There's a reason for that: you need to build a world and furnish it. You can do it in 85K words. You can't do it well.

Also Valkyrie is from Norse mythology. It feels odd to have a book about the British Empire circa 1804 referencing Norse mythology, but that's probably just the Puritan in me.




Thank you very much for your time and for allowing me to present this query for your consideration.

Sincerely,


This is not compelling or enticing. I don't read enough of the category to judge if it's fresh or new, but my guess is some of the commenters will shed some light there.

Form rejection.

#142-Revised

Dear Query Shark,

Facing the end of college and the impending threat of real-world responsibilities, four friends jump at one last chance for a life of freedom and debauchery when one of them returns from South America with the exotic Goli fruit, a little green confection that alone does nothing, but when consumed with a generic brand of cereal flakes gives them the greatest hallucinogenic high the world has ever known.

That's one sentence.

I'm a very big believer in starting with the subject of the sentence, then the verb. If convoluted you must be, the place to start is not the sentence you place first.

With all the criminal know-how expected of a bunch of northeastern Ivy League choirboys, they set up shop selling little green fruit to college kids and enjoying the easy money. But before long, they learn the hard way that their perfect setup isn’t made to last when of their own makes a cross-country sales drive and finds himself held hostage in Colorado with half of their inventory at the mercy of their greatest fear: real criminals. Now, it’s up to the others to drop everything to save him and, if at all possible, their burgeoning business. Eighteen hundred miles and a whole cast of nefarious characters stand between them and the glory of Goli.


The start of your query is tucked in the middle of this paragraph. It's "Character X finds himself held hostage in Colorado." How he got there is immaterial. Start with the point where something actually happens.



Full of all the wild uncertainty that comes with adulthood and raging against the dying light of youth, Goli Oats weighs in at about 101,000 words and is the first of three thematically-related novels I intend to produce in what I call the “Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n Roll Trilogy.” Goli Oats embodies the “Drugs” facet and my next novel, Blue, which is already partially completed, will address the “Sex”, followed by the third, Groupie, which pertains to, of course, “Rock ‘n Roll.”

blah blah blah. You haven't sold me on the first novel yet, so the fact you plan two more is wasted on me. MORE about the plot of the first novel will be much more persuasive than anything.

My name is (redacted) I am from Atlanta, Georgia, and a Film Studies and Journalism student at the University of Georgia in Athens. I have spent my entire life with a tenacious drive for writing and storytelling in one capacity or another. I am firmly dedicated to building my career as a novelist and am looking for the agency that can assist me in that effort now, at the beginning, and throughout my career.

I will know your name and your hometown from your signature and contact info. I don't care where you go to school. I don't care about your tenacious drive for whatever. The ONLY thing I care about is whether you can write well, and if this is a novel I want to read. Focus on that.

Thank you and I look forward to working together,


Form rejection

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Attn. : Query Shark

It's an endless source of amusement to me that a noticeable percentage of writers have a hard time with Dear (whomever). I've seen TO: I've seen just my name. I've seen Greetings; I've seen Hello! and a few others that made me laugh. Standard business letter format includes a salutation. Attn: is not a salutation. It's a mail stop directive. If you just can't bring yourself to use the standard business format of "Dear Query Shark" I suggest "Good morning"

Four friends, facing the end of college and the impending threat of real-world responsibilities, jump at one last chance for a life of freedom when one of them returns from South America with a strange wonder drug and sends them hurling down a path of excitement and danger in the tireless pursuit of the quick score and easy living.

This is so general as to be meaningless. It's also not very interesting. Four college kids decide to become drug dealers?

Goli Oats, the first novel in the Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n Roll Trilogy from writer (redacted), is the sensational story of four young, misguided but well-meaning friends facing the daunting prospects of careers they don’t want, pre-determined futures, and a lifetime of corporate-sponsored boredom.

You're talking about yourself in the third person. You're telling, not showing about the novel. This is where I'd stop reading.

Their grim outlooks, however, are suddenly brightened when one of them returns from a year-long sabbatical in the jungles of South America with a strange fruit which, when eaten alone, does nothing, but when paired with a generic brand of bland cereal flakes gives them the greatest hallucinogenic high they have ever known.

A college student takes a year long sabbatical? Unless things have changed since I was in college, this doesn't make any sense. Professors take sabbaticals after years of teaching. Students may take a semester or a year abroad, but those aren't called sabbaticals.

Seeing a once-in-a-lifetime way out of all of their problems, they ready themselves for the trials of building a fruit-drug empire that will span the country, entangle them with an ever-widening cast of nefarious characters, and bring excitement and troubles they never dreamed of facing.

This is meaningless description.

Full of all the wild uncertainty that comes with adulthood and raging against the dying light of youth, Goli Oats is at once a completely fresh take on the drug world epic, an indictment of corporate hypocrisy and a slightly twisted, fruit-addled buddy comedy. Just don’t feed it to your goat.

If you tell me this book is a comedy, and the query letter isn't funny or amusing, there's a problem. A big one.

"Drug world epic" is not a category I'm familiar with. If you're offering a fresh take on something, there has to be an old take on it first.

(Author) is from (place), and a student at the (school). He has spent his entire life with a tenacious drive for writing and storytelling in one capacity or another. Though his creative efforts thus far have been primarily devoted to musical performance and composition, short stories and screenplay writing, with an aim to further himself in both acting and filmmaking, his passion for the last year has been the authorship of his first novel, Goli Oats. Goli Oats, weighing in at about 101,000 words, is the first of three thematically-related novels he intends to produce in what he calls the “Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n Roll Trilogy.” Goli Oats embodies the “Drugs” facet and his next novel, Blue, which is already partially completed, will address the “Sex”, followed by the third, Groupie, which pertains to, of course, “Rock ‘n Roll.” Through his writing, he tries to bring his own unique voice to rather unconventional themes and ideas predicated on a strong base of social satire and embellished with lively, exciting characterizations. He is firmly dedicated to building his career as a novelist and is looking for the agency that can assist him in that effort now, at the beginning, and throughout his career.

Don't ever talk about yourself in the third person in a business letter. It's just plain bad writing.
The query letter should be about the book. You've got almost as many words about you and your plans (203) as you do about the book (255). More about the book. A lot less about you, particularly since none of it is an actual writing credential.


Thank you and I look forward to working together,

Form rejection

#141-Revised 4x

Dear Query Shark,

Guardians can defeat any injury or illness, and for around three hundred years have brought about great improvements in people’s lives. Yet these acts are nothing compared to what could happen if a certain fourteen-year-old mustered up the desire to resume his dead father’s cause.

yikes, where did this come from?

Three years ago, Will’s life was shattered. Now, he has rotten prospects, faded dreams, and an old note which hints that his father may have actually chosen to die. Translated, that means something else was more important than staying alive—to be with him. Everything Will believes about his father unravels when he uncovers evidence of a double life kept hidden for over a decade.


Will becomes the target of growing suspicion (by whom?) after another person (who?) connected with the note disappears. When he sets out to discover his father’s past, he learns something else: his father possessed a significant, otherworldly artifact (be specific), which is now missing. His problems worsen after when word gets out that its power might be transferred to anyone who could (yes, forcibly) claim it–and he doesn’t know where it is or what it even looks like.


The trouble with that is? Everyone thinks he has it.

Then he meets Soren, who seems to know more about Will’s fate than Will does. Will is drawn to the frailties and mysteries of the aging monarch, yet fearful of his protection. As violence increases across a once peaceful land, and the guardians begin to disappear, Will must ask himself if Soren is his savior or the one who will lead him to his demise.

You don't need any of this. This is a quest novel. It's Will's story. All you need to do is tell me what Will needs to do to reach his goal.

Will needs to find the artifact--if he can first find the desire, then the courage--to continue what his father believed to be so very worthy. Oh, and the life of poverty thing should be fixed also. But what can one solitary boy do?


THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA fantasy adventure and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


This is getting better except for that first paragraph. Good name change. Pare down to the essentials. Get some vivid word choices in there.


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Dear Query Shark,

Sixteen-year-old Percy has a plan for summer vacation, and it doesn’t include discovering the truth of what happened five years ago. That was when his father died, and he has yet to accept his fate as a result of it: a hard life of poverty. Now he learns that his father may have actually chosen to die.

There's a missing paragraph here. You go from "a plan for summer vacation that doesn't include" to "look for the missing artifact" Something must have happened to change his plans. What was it? That's the key.

Also, five years is a LONG time for a kid. At sixteen, it's not quite a third of his life. Percy sounds a bit neurotic if he hasn't "accepted" what his life is like. If you notice other adventure/quest YA books, you'll notice the main characters may remember the past, but they don't really dwell there. They are trying to make things work in the present.

Percy also learns his father possessed an artifact which one day, along with its bearer, will unite all people when their very survival is threatened. (this is so general as to be useless) He is thrown into the kind of adventure he thought existed only in his father’s bedtime stories, but ill-equipped, for he has never set foot outside of their isolated seaside town. He must overcome an inherent mistrust of adults and learn to accept help - from one in particular. His problems worsen when he realizes that the artifact’s power might be transferred to anyone who could claim it…and he doesn’t know where it is, or what it even looks like.

You don't need a laundry list of the quest. What's the one thing he needs to do? What happens if he fails? What worse thing happens if he succeeds?

And the trouble with that is? Everyone seems to think he has it.

Percy needs to find the artifact, its proper bearer, and why his father was willing to die for it. Oh, and his own life story could also use a happy ending. But what can one solitary boy do?

SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA adventure fiction and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.


I'm pretty sure this isn't a category called adventure fiction cause I've never heard of that before. This is fantasy. Magic artifacts tend to be fantasy (or diet books, but those are shelved, perplexingly, in non-fiction)

This is getting better, but it's not there yet.
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Dear Query Shark,

Percy was just eleven when his father died. The interment was private, nearly unnoticed. In fact, people went about their business as if William Moore had not existed. Now five years later, Percy learns that his father may have chosen to die.

Choosing to die - according to Percy - is just another way of saying that his father chose to leave; it means that he intentionally left them behind. Percy is angry, yet afraid to discover what the well-traveled William knew, why he isolated them near the sea, and with what he was involved – in particular, what he may have loved more than his family. Percy begins to ask questions about his father’s death, stirring what has been long dormant. The questions quickly arouse paranoid suspicion, and he realizes that now he has placed himself and his mother at risk. Powerful memories of his father, and vivid details of a stranger – scholar, actually - who had visited just before William’s death, drives Percy from his childhood home to follow his father’s path back to its beginning.

The story starts here, in the third paragraph:

Percy learns that his (now dead) father acquired an artifact believed to have survived through the end of the previous age.

Believed by whom? You don't need the word believed, and it creates the who believes problem.
Percy learns (no that) his (now dead) father acquired (insert name of what it is or something more specific than) artifact from the end of the previous age (what age? Ice? Dinosaur?)

It may have even stopped time, and much later, brought back the dead to their new world, now 300 years ago.

This sentence just leads to more trouble. You don't have enough time to explain any of the details without sounding muddled: "brought back the dead to their new world" leads me to wonder whose world, and why. Just leave it out.

Along with its bearer, the artifact is prophesied to one day unite all people when their very survival is threatened.

This is where a very plain noun-verb-clause structure is your friend. It is prophesied that one day the artifact and its bearer will unite all people when their very survival is threatened.


Many people are desperate to find it as sporadic violence begins to erode the peace which has reigned for decades. On top of not knowing what or where it is, Percy’s problems worsen when he realizes that the artifact’s power might be transferred to anyone who could claim it. He must overcome an inherent mistrust of adults and learn to accept help - from one in particular.

I strongly strongly strongly suggest that you write straightforward sentences. DO NOT lead with
these damn clauses all the time: Percy's problems worsen when he realizes... Then you put in And he has to find the artifact too or something like that.


If Percy doesn’t discover the origin of the artifact, its whereabouts, and why his father was willing to die for it, he will also fail to find the intended bearer, and his family’s hardship would have been for nothing. Whether his failure results in the end of an age, or his success ensures that the beginning continues, he will learn that parents are still important, friends necessary, and death can be a beginning instead of just an end – for one who surrenders to it, as well as for those who love them.

And when you stop there, instead of adding all this other stuff, you actually have something much closer to enticing.

THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA adventure fiction and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

You're improving but this is still a form rejection.


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Dear Query Shark,

William Moore died when his son Percy was just eleven. The interment was private, nearly unnoticed. In fact, people went about their business as if he had not existed. Now five years later, Percy learns that a friend had feared for his father’s safety, had warned him to discontinue involvement in certain activities…and that William his father may have chosen to die, knowing that it had been foretold.

Start with the character who isn't dead for the entire book, ok? Percy was just eleven when his father died.

And I hate to break this to you, I but I foretell your death. Mine too. We ALL die. Thus "knowing that it had been foretold" is meaningless.

What Percy doesn’t know is that William Moore acquired an artifact believed to have survived through the end of the previous age. It may have even stopped time, and much later, brought back the dead to their new world, now 300 years ago. He also doesn’t know that along with its bearer, the artifact is prophesied to one day unite all people when their very survival is threatened.

If Percy doesn't know it, it doesn't influence his choices at the start of the book. Leave it out. It's like saying "Scarlett O'Hara doesn't know the south will lose so she whiles away the war in Miss Pittypat's parlor instead of learning to farm."

When Percy begins to ask questions about his father’s death. He arouses suspicion and inadvertently places himself and his mother at risk. To discover what William Moore knew, with what he was involved, and why he settled into their isolated, provincial community by the sea, Percy has no choice but to leave his childhood home and follow his father’s path back to its beginning.

Well he does have a choice. And that's why this is still not very focused. You're glossing over the choice he makes: to leave home and discover what his father knew, and why his father isolated their family OR to stay home and remain ignorant. IF he leaves home he risks (whatever he risks). If he doesn't, he'll (whatever he won't)

The query is not the place for a rundown of the entire plot. Focus on what STARTS the plot moving and entice me to read on. Be specific.

And a quick word about starting sentences with when, since, during, meanwhile, but, and: don't. Start with the subject. It will make the sentence stronger about 97.6% of the time, and if it doesn't THEN you start with something else.

However, being sixteen and also much like his father, he strays from his purpose. He quickly gets caught up in the wonder – and the danger - of a civilization which is struggling to build a utopia. He lives through false imprisonment for vagrancy, the murder of his friend’s uncle, and robbery. He doesn’t realize that the events are not unintentional – that being William Moore’s son, he is a curiosity to others who know what he has yet to learn. He may now be the bearer of the extraordinary, if it exists – or could its power be transferred to anyone who could claim it?

To fulfill his father's destiny, and ultimately discover his own, Percy must learn to accept help from others – one in particular - and resume his path, the one which was chosen for him.

THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA adventure fiction and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Form rejection
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(4 lines of address redacted)

DON'T PUT YOUR CONTACT INFO AT THE TOP. Yes, I'm shrieking. I see this all the time and it's starting to make me nuts. In an email query, your contact info goes at the bottom under your name. Don't waste the first 4, 8 or 16 lines of an email with something OTHER than the most important information: what your book is about.

Dear Query Shark,

The maturation of 16-year-old Percy Moore stalled five years ago when his father died, and left him lingering in their isolated, provincial community.

What? He stopped growing? He stopped maturing? He's lingering on his death bed? This is so general as to be meaningless. Be specific. Percy Moore's father dies and leave him alone in an isolated community. Then what?


He cocoons, and avoids adults with their curious stares.

What, his father was the first person to ever die there? He died from something suspicious? Right now this doesn't make sense. Why are people staring at Percy? And cocooning is one of those shelter-magazine buzz words meaning people stay at home with their entertainment systems. Is that how you mean it here?


But when he endangers his remaining family by discovering that his father’s death may not have been accidental, Percy is forced to leave his childhood home. He knows that he must either run to hide, or swallow his fear and seek out the details of his father’s mysterious past.

You'd think he'd want to leave if people are staring at him. Be specific about what the problem is.

What Percy doesn’t know is that his father had been foretold and accepted his own fate, and had armed and prepared his son to find the same path and accomplish what he would not.

His father had been foretold doesn't make sense. An event, not a person is foretold. And Percy doesn't sound armed or prepared at all to me.

As Percy journeys through the unfamiliar, gathering friends and straying from his original purpose, he also doesn’t realize that his father’s life and death is not a secret.

unfamiliar what?
uh...since when was it ever thought to be a secret?

William Moore was believed to possess a gift of unknown origin or value - brought about by his travels - which would one day bring people and lands together in a struggle for survival. Unaware that the events are related,

What events?

Percy lives through imprisonment for vagrancy, the murder of his friend’s uncle, and robbery. To survive, he must learn to allow adults – one in particular – into his life again and resume his path, the one which was chosen for him.

List the events, then say "the events are related" otherwise the reader doesn't know what events you're talking about. But you also don't want a list of events in a query. You want problem/conflict/consequences and choices.

This is so general as to be meaningless. Get back to basics. What's the problem Percy faces? What are the consequences? Answer that in fewer than 100 specific words.

THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA fiction, the first of a 3-book series and also and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.



Sincerely,


Form rejection.

#140-revised twice

Dear Query Shark,

I am currently seeking representation for BECOMING, a 71,000 word young adult urban fantasy.

Claire Silver will never be the same after a high school prank goes terribly wrong and leads to her being mugged and left for dead. It’s not so much the trauma of the incident - especially since she has no memory of the attack - but the inexplicable, life-altering changes that follow in its wake.

A high school prank goes terribly wrong. Clair Silver is mugged and left for dead.
You can see there is a missing link here. Unless the prank is the mugging, the two don't seem to connect. You're better off leaving out the high school prank part out.

In a matter of days, Claire’s once dark indigo eyes transform into to an almost unnatural shade of teal. and sShe starts seeing extra layers of colored refractions surrounding everyday objects.Then s She develops weird food cravings – if one considers the flowers in her Nana’s garden to be food.

Claire has no idea what to make of these new developments until she makes friends with Skye Thompson, Skye is a new transfer student who recognizes a kindred spirit in Claire . She tells Claire that they are both Spirit Guardians; people who upon dying are brought back to life by ancient animal spirits joining with their own soul, giving the chosen vessel unique physical and spiritual powers. Claire has some serious doubts about her new friend’s sanity - until Skye uses her physical ability to jump fifteen feet in the air and her spiritual ability to temporarily make Claire as fearless as she herself is.

Just when Claire thinks that things can’t get any stranger, Jackson Chatfield, the guy responsible for finding who found Claire and taking took her to the hospital after her attack, starts to shows a sudden romantic interest in her. She almost can’t believe a guy so goldenly beautiful actually wants to date her.

As if beginning a whirlwind romance, struggling to deal with new abilities and coming to grips with the idea that her soul now has a roommate weren’t already enough to complicate Claire’s once quiet life, seemingly random acts of theft and destruction start plaguing her family. As the situation goes from bad to worse, Claire begins to see Jackson’s true colors - and they are far from golden or beautiful.

Jackson knows more about Claire and her new status than he’s been letting on. He’s been keeping secrets – secrets that may get Claire killed.

I have included some sample pages the first three pages and would be pleased to send the full manuscript upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Best Wishes,



This is getting better. Really really work on the rhythm of your sentences. And remember, it's not going to do you any good to polish up this query if you don't take what you're learning and doing here and apply it to the manuscript. (hint: that-ectomy is a GOOD idea; take out every single word you don't need.)





-----------------------
Dear Query Shark,

I am currently seeking representation for BECOMING, a 71,000 word young adult fantasy.

Claire Silver is an over-thinking, second-guessing, chronically-shy mess living anything but a fairytale life. Mugged and almost killed when a high school prank goes terribly wrong, Claire is saved by Jackson Chatfield, a guy so goldenly beautiful that he actually resembles the guardian angel that Claire romanticizes him to be. And, wonders of all wonders, Jackson actually appears to take a sudden romantic interest in little ol’ Claire.

We don't need to know all that about Claire. The only thing we need to know is what happens to her.

I'm not sure goldenly is a real word, but I think it actually works here.

This unexpected charming attention isn’t the only unusual thing that happens to Claire; the once familiar face in the mirror starts to look like a stranger. The eyes staring back at her go through a startling transformation from a dark indigo to a striking shade of teal. She also starts seeing extra layers of colored refractions surrounding everyday objects.

This is stuff we actually do need to know about Claire. The reason we need to know it is because it's what's changing. It's where the action starts.

Claire has no idea what to make of these new changes until she makes friends with Skye Thompson, a new transfer student. Skye recognizes a kindred spirit in Claire. She tells Claire that they are both Spirit Guardians; people who upon dying are brought back to life by ancient animal spirits joining with their own soul, giving the chosen vessel physical and spiritual powers. Claire has trouble believing any of this is real until Skye demonstrates her own powers before Claire’s awed eyes.

What does Skye do? Be specific. (I really hope it's not something like turning Scotch into water)

As if becoming guardian to an animal spirit wasn’t enough to complicate Claire’s quiet life, seemingly random acts of vandalism start plaguing her family and she learns that Jackson is harboring some pretty serious secrets of his own. What Claire doesn’t realize is that all these things are connected and that she and Skye aren’t the only Spirit Guardians in town.

Vandalism sounds like a petty annoyance. Is someone toiletpapering her house? Soaping her car windows? Probably not if (as we learn in the next paragraph, these things may cost Claire her life)

These oversights may cost Claire her very life.

Intermeshed in this supernatural fantasy is the tale of a vulnerable teen learning to be comfortable with who she is and discovering the importance of self-reliance when all else fails.

Focus on what moves the story forward. We don't need to know what the lessons are that will be learned. We just need to be enticed to read the book. I'm pretty sure intermeshed isn't a word.

Included with this query you will find a synopsis and sample pages for BECOMING. I would be pleased to send the full manuscript upon request.

This is better, but there's nothing compelling here. A kid discovers she has magical powers of some kind and it makes her a better person. This is as close to run of the mill YA fantasy as you can get.

Time to get out the imaginarium and get some layers in here. Turn some tropes on their ear. Confound me with fabulous ideas.

This is still a form rejection, but it's a whole lot better than the first version.

-----------------
Dear Query Shark,


I chose to submit to you because of your wonderful taste in young adult fantasy.

This is just about the worst way to start a query I can think of. I know you've been told (not here but elsewhere) to personalize a query with "why I picked you" but to be effective it has to be specific. This is so unspecific as to be icky. If you absolutely cannot resist putting in something about why you elected to query this specific agent, mention specific books, or an interview on a website, or their blog, or something individual to the agent.


My novel BECOMING is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 71,000 words. It is my first novel and the first in a planned trilogy.

BECOMING is a 71,000 word young adult fantasy.


Claire Silver is an over-thinking, second-guessing, chronically-shy mess living anything but a fairytale life. But when A near death experience during her senior year of high school leaves her open to becoming the guardian to an ancient animal spirit, Claire must learn to accept the newly developing magic inside of herself and find the hidden strength she never knew she had.

I'm not sure what "leaves her open to becoming the guardian to an ancient animal spirit" means. Does it mean she's considering it or vulnerable to it?

Claire better learn her lessons quickly, because she’s not the only one with something to hide.

Well of course, we don't know that Claire herself has something to hide do we?

While trying to uncover who is behind the seemingly random acts of vandalism that are plaguing her family, Claire fails to take into account that she is part of a whole new world were nothing may be as it seems. If only she had realized that those around her were harboring hidden personalities and hidden abilities right under her nose.

This paragraph doesn't have any connective tissue to what came before. I'm assuming not everyone in Claire's family has had near death experiences (if they have, I'd like to be their life insurance agent) Are they all guardians of some sort of spirit?

Be specific.

It’s a mistake that may cost Claire her very life.

Come along for Claire’s journey and meet some of her fellow Spirit Guardians: Drake, the ill-tempered, darkly handsome loner deeply concerned about the safety of those he doesn’t even know - Jackson, the consummate gentleman with the face of an angel and a heart made of unfeeling ice - Kyra, the stunningly beautiful and attractive woman suffering from crippling insecurities that eventually drive her insane, and Skye, the fun-loving, laughing good-time girl, who has been terribly alone for the majority of her years.

This is a list of characters and without context, or any sense of how they relate to Claire, it's useless info. It's also cliche ridden, and that's the kiss of death in a query.

Enclosed you will find a synopsis and sample pages for BECOMING. I would be pleased to send the full manuscript upon request.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

This isn't specific and it isn't compelling. Form rejection.

#139

Book title: Force of Nature
Query word count: 2,059
Book word count: 111,866 (fiction, young adult, complete)
(name redacted)
(address redacted)
(city, state zip redacted)
(phone number redacted)
(email redacted)


Hello Janet/Query Shark:

If this reaches your eyes, thank you. I’ve appreciated all the comments I’ve read about the work you’ve posted thus far. You offer an amazing service to new writers – even if you never review their creations.

I’d like to publish my novel, and have enclosed a synopsis and a query here for your review. Your comments would be greatly appreciated for the re-write process.

Thank you for your time and consideration.




Synopsis, written by one of the characters:
(redacted)

Query (earlier in the book):
(pages redacted)

(End of query)

I’d be thrilled if you would read more of the book.


I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry here.

This isn't a query. This isn't close to a query.
Look at it.
It's a list of information about the book, including godhelpus the word count for the query. That's so far beyond useless information I just want to smack you with all previous 138 entries to the Query Shark and shriek, "DID YOU SEE THAT IN ANY OF THESE" particularly in the ones I said were good? No, no you didn't.

So, let's start out the new year with a refresher.

1. Don't put your contact information at the top of an electronic query. Put it at the bottom, under your name. If you're including pages in the real query to real agents, put your contact info below your name and BEFORE the pages.

2. A query is not a synopsis.

3. A query is not pages from the book.

Start over. Read the archives to see what works and what doesn't.

#138-revised

Dear Query Shark,

Young, naïve and directionless, Molly Brennan follows her boyfriend, Jake, to the Mt. Baker ski area to work as a seasonal employee. She catches her boyfriend Jake him cheating on her with a slutty lift operator shortly after their arrival. Molly confronts him and he denies he’s done anything wrong. He tells her, “We should be open to experiences.” She wakes up to the fact he’s unscrupulous and manipulative. and dumps him. She breaks up with him.

and dumps him is a clause that isn't the next part of the unscrupulous and manipulative sequence. You need a way to separate the two.

A few weeks later, she finds out she’s pregnant.


Molly is the youngest of four children. Growing up in a strict religious household, she rarely made a decision on her own until the family unit fell apart, her siblings moved away, and her parents became too absorbed in their own drama to pay attention to her. Molly struggles with the decision of whether to raise the baby alone or terminate the pregnancy. Choosing the latter goes against every moral fabric sewn into her existence,

every moral fabric sewn into her existence is over writing of the worst sort. It's moral fiber, not fabric for starters, and "sewn into her existence" doesn't actually make sense. Metaphors and similes need to illuminate not obfuscate to be effective.

still, she knows it’s the right choice. Her new roommates and friends, Eric and Kyle, help her recover from the agonizing abortion.


Determined not to be lost or broken, she steals away to the waters of Alaska for the summer to work on a small cruise ship. “Maybe the fresh air and change of scenery will be good for me,” she thinks.

I'm not sure I've ever heard a high school senior or college freshman say "maybe the fresh air will be good for me." It sounds like something Great Aunt Matilda says to a kid who's eaten too many rum balls at Christmas: dated.

Kyle makes a surprise appearance on the dock in Petersburg, offering more than friendship with an impassioned kiss—he and his girlfriend, Tracey, have broken up. At the end of summer, she returns home anxious to see if what she feels for Kyle is real. She walks into the house to see Kyle and Tracey together—dashing any hopes of a budding romance.
Kyle explains reuniting with Tracey wasn’t expected. When she tells him it would be better if she just moved out, he begs her stay. She reluctantly agrees and enrolls at the local community college, throwing herself into school and studying—keeping Kyle at arm’s length. She tries to deny her feelings for him, reminding herself he has a girlfriend and that she doesn’t want to be that girl. But how long can Molly Brennan deny love, even if it’s all wrong?

Kyle sounds like a total frigging heel and I want to slap his face. What the hell is wrong with Molly that she puts up with this crap?

The Education of Molly Brennan is a work of fiction for the young adult genre. It is complete at 60,000 words.

I hope you find my query of interest and look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
(contact info redacted)


The problem of course is that it reads like it's from the 50's or 60's. The YA fiction I see (and read) is much much edgier. Once she's had the abortion, there's not much else going on here.

Form rejection, but this is a lot better than the first round.


---------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

All the attention Molly Brennan's boyfriend, Jake, pores on her

and here's where I stop reading. Nothing makes me put down a query more quickly than incorrect word usage. Pore is to study carefully or a hole in your skin. You mean pour as in inundate. Words are tools. Using them incorrectly is like hitting a screw with a hammer. Don't do it.


blinds her to the fact he’s unscrupulous and manipulative, just like her father. Molly has no car, no real family to go home to, and to make things worse; (this is an incorrect use of a semi colon) after she’s gained the courage to break up with him, she discovers she’s pregnant.



The youngest of four children—everyone told her what to do: what to eat, what to wear, what to read, what to watch on television, or not watch—she rarely made a decision of her own. Faced with making one of life’s most irreversible choices, Molly finds comfort in a new friend, Kyle.



In the aftermath, Molly realizes she needs to recover a sense of self in order to move on with her life and maybe, just maybe, she might find love, too.

Aftermath? Move on with her life? I think we're missing a crucial piece of information here. Did she have a baby or not?

The Education of Molly Brennan is a work of fiction for the edgy young adult genre. It is complete at 60,000 words.

I'm sorry, but dealing with a pregnancy is not edgy. And the genre is young adult, not edgy young adult. No one stops reading a query based on getting the category wrong, but you want to get it right. This is YA.


I hope you find my query of interest and look forward to hearing from you.


There's not enough here to pique (not peak) my interest. I've been reading books like this since MR & MRS BO JO JONES (published 1968!). You need to focus on telling the story with a fresh approach, or a new twist.

Form rejection.

#137

Dear Query Shark,


"I'm not in love with Alice Stevens, she's just a very sexy reccuring dream.

At least that's what I thought until the sulfurous redhead showed up in my algebra class on a sunny afternoon and proved me wrong. That's when I found out I was gifted just like her: mind reading, dream walking and persuasion were just the beginning. Now I can shield myself from other people's powers too!

But when we tried to steal her evil dad's journal, Alice got captured and I lost my powers. If it hadn't been for Alice's sister, Jamie, I'd be lying dead with a bullet between my eyes right now.

Jamie's convinced me to try and get my gifts back so we can save Alice. I guess I owe it to her, even though I never truly loved her.

I love Jamie now. Alice will be pissed.

But still, we're gonna rescue her – if she still wants to be rescued that is."

THE GIFTED is a Young Adult paranormal romance, complete at 65 000 words.

Thank you for your consideration,

(author name)


Much as I adore the phrase "sulfurous redhead", this approach (writing the query 'in character') is gimmicky. Don't do it. And what kind of power is "persuasion" anyway? Revise. This isn't a form rejection, I'd read the pages, but it's not the most effective query you can write.

#136-revised 4x-For the Win

Dear Query Shark:

I found you on AgentQuery.com. Your profile indicates that my 90,000-word novel might be your kind of book.

Ok, I'm not sure why you think leading with this is a good idea. It's not. Even if an agent wants to know how you found his/her name, and that you've researched what they want to see, it's not the most important thing. The most important thing is: What The Book Is About. Move this to the end.

Cell Tower:

And this is crazy. You've got the title at the end already. Start at the right place like you always have.


Consulting engineer Peter Bradovich, on autopilot as he drives to work in Cleveland, is jarred back to reality when he sees a cell phone tower sway, then crash to the ground. The tower, a hundred feet tall and four feet in diameter, is not the sort of thing to just topple over.



To his amazement, Peter finds no news coverage of what he believes is a very newsworthy event. His curious nature overcomes his better judgment, and he returns to the scene to investigate. There, he meets Gregory Zaremba, a typically scruffy college student who professes to be curious, too.


Maybe it's his old military background, maybe it's his slightly right wing distrust of liberal looking college students, but Peter finds himself feeling suspicious of Gregory. He calls his son, a U.S. Marshall, and he suddenly finds himself unwillingly drawn into working undercover for Homeland Security.



Peter discovers Gregory and his group of eco-terrorists believe that cell phones are radiation hazards, and their towers a blight on the landscape. They dream of driving cell phone companies out of business by destroying their towers.



Peter is torn between helping Homeland Security put an end to the destruction and walking away from the incident, between his sense of patriotism and his concern for his family's safety.



When Peter gets more deeply involved, he finds that Gregory's quirky, computer-nerd, girlfriend has made a connection to a west coast industrial espionage agent who is providing resources to them. Unbeknownst to them, the agent is actually a radical Muslim extremist who is using the disruptions caused by the eco-terrorists to mask his own group's preparations for the coming American jihad.



The eco-terrorists plan to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage by destroying the 345,000-volt power transmission line along Lake Erie. Peter knows this is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003, the blackout that resulted in six billion dollars in losses and caused eleven deaths. He begs Homeland Security to step in and put a stop to the destruction, but they insist on letting the plan go forward.

(here's where you put the How I Found You stuff if you really want to include it)

I found you on AgentQuery.com. Your profile indicates that my 90,000-word novel might be your kind of book.


Thank you for considering Cell Tower for representation.



Sincerely,








And there you have it. Other than those two things you cobbled on at the top, you've got yourself a pretty good query here. In fact, you'd get me to read on.



-------
Dear Query Shark:

Peter Bradovich is astonished to see a cell phone tower sway, and then crash to the ground. The tower was over a hundred feet tall and about four feet in diameter, is not the sort of thing to just topple over.



To his amazement, Peter finds no news coverage of what he believes is a very newsworthy event. His curious nature overcomes his better judgment, and he returns to the scene to investigate. There, he meets Gregory Zaremba, and immediately becomes suspicious of him. Peter talks to his son, a U.S. Marshall, and finds himself unwillingly drawn into working undercover for Homeland Security.

You need a break between meeting Zaremba, and talking to the son:

There, he meets Gregory Zaremba, and immediately becomes suspicious of him.

Peter talks to his son, a U.S. Marshall, and finds himself unwillingly drawn into working undercover for Homeland Security.

Peter discovers that Gregory and his group of eco-terrorists believe cell phones to be are radiation hazards, and consider the towers a blight on the landscape. They dream of driving cell phone companies out of business by destroying their towers. Peter is torn between helping Homeland Security put an end to the destruction and walking away from the incident, between his sense of patriotism and his concern for his family's safety.

And again, you need a break:

They dream of driving cell phone companies out of business by destroying their towers.

Peter is torn between helping Homeland Security put an end to the destruction and walking away from the incident, between his sense of patriotism and his concern for his family's safety.

As When Peter gets more deeply involved, he finds that Gregory's group has a connection to a west coast industrial espionage agent who is providing resources to them.

And I'd actually put Peter is torn between helping Homeland Security put an end to the destruction and walking away from the incident, between his sense of patriotism and his concern for his family's safety. here, not where it is above.



Unbeknownst to Gregory and company, the agent is actually a radical Muslim extremist who is using the disruptions caused by the eco-terrorists to mask his group's preparations for the coming American jihad.



The eco-terrorists plan to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage by destroying the 345,000-volt power transmission line along Lake Erie. This is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003, the blackout that resulted in six billion dollars in losses and caused eleven deaths.

Here's an interesting dilemma. You're stepping outside the story eco-terrorists plan to destroy, to give the readers important info "this is the line"

How do you do that without breaking the narrative?

You give Peter the knowledge: Peter knows this is the line that

At the last minute, Homeland Security, aided by Peter and his son, steps in to stop the destruction and apprehend the perpetrators.

A query letter is NOT the place to reveal the ending of the book. You want to entice me to read it, not tell the whole story.

Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 90,000 word novel for representation.



Sincerely,

This is startlingly better than the previous versions. You're about one revision away from me wanting to read pages. I repeat my caution to other writers here: you MUST apply what you're learning here to the novel itself. It won't do you any good to have a polished query letter if the book doesn't measure up.


--------------------------




Dear Query Shark,

Peter Bradovich is on automatic pilot as he drives to work in Cleveland. He is jarred back to reality when he sees a cell phone tower sway, and crash to the ground. The tower, typical of those in this rural area, was over a hundred feet tall and about four feet in diameter, not the sort of thing to just topple over.

Peter Bradovich is astonished to see a cell phone tower crash to the ground. Towers are more than a hundred feet tall and four feet in diameter-not the sort of thing to just topple over.

Can you see the difference? Focus on the action--leave everything else out. When I see this kind of static (not dynamic) writing in a query letter, I know I'm going to see it in the novel.

Peter, a consulting engineer, does a little Internet investigation at lunchtime. To his amazement, he finds no mention of the destroyed tower. His curiosity piqued, he does some research and discovers that towers of this sort typically cost over $150,000. He decides to investigate the cell tower site that evening.

Peter is amazed to find no news coverage of, what seem to him, a startling event.

Near the site, he meets Gregory Zaremba. Gregory, who looks like the stereotypical college student, professes to be curious, too, but Peter becomes suspicious of him. He calls his son Mike, a U.S. Marshall who works out of Denver, explains the strange circumstances, and asks him for advice. Mike urges him to be extremely cautious about getting involved, but promises to take a quick look at Gregory’s background.

You're not getting to the heart of the plot. You don't have to mention how the plot gets started, just what it IS.

Mike’s inquiries raise red flags at Homeland Security, and before he fully realizes why, Peter is pulled in to the investigation of the cell tower crash.



Peter discovers that Gregory believes cell phones to be radiation hazards, and considers the towers a blight on the landscape. Gregory intends to drive Vista Tel out of business by destroying their towers, but the cell phone company is ignoring his actions.




Peter becomes torn between helping put an end to the destruction and walking away from the incident, between his sense of patriotism and his concern for the safety of his family. His old military intelligence background kicks in, and he reluctantly gets even more involved as Gregory and his group of urban eco-terrorists destroy two more towers. The cell phone company continues to ignore them.



Despite Peter's protests, the group plans to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage by destroying a 345,000-volt power transmission line. This is the line along Lake Erie that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003. That blackout resulted in six billion dollars in losses and caused eleven deaths. The group is certain that Vista Tel will not be able to ignore them this time. Working with Homeland Security, Peter is compelled to continue his role, and help bring the destruction to an end.

Peter discovers the mysterious cell tower destruction is simply the first in a planned series of eco terrorist acts. He must do (insert some sort of phrase about choices and consequences for PETER) before such and so (the terrorist's actions) can bring destruction to the known world.

Do you see the difference? You're getting bogged down in details we don't need. Tell me the bones of the story: the crucial plot points and why it matters to the hero.

Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 95,000 word novel for representation.



Sincerely,


Form rejection
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:


Consulting engineer, and sometimes sailor, Peter Bradovich, witnesses a cell phone tower fall over while driving to work early one morning. The tower, typical of those in this rural area, was over a hundred feet tall and about four feet in diameter; not the sort of thing to just fall over.

Consulting engineer and sometimes sailor have NOTHING to do with what follows. It's also not the most important description of this guy. You bury that in the middle of the third paragraph.

And "fall over" is one of the least exciting ways you can describe a 400 foot tower toppling, collapsing, teetering or just plain becoming one with gravity. I look for writers who use words creatively and cleverly.

Peter stops to investigate the cell tower site that evening, and by pure chance, he meets Gregory Zaremba. Gregory, who looks like the stereotypical college kid, professes to be curious, too, but Peter suspects his interest is deeper. Peter calls his son Mike, a U.S. Marshall who works out of Denver, for advice. Mike urges him to be very careful about getting involved, but promises to look into Gregory’s background.

Pure chance? No, not hardly. Gregory is there at that place on purpose. That's not pure chance at all.

And a commenter in the earlier version mentioned that a law enforcement guys can't just run around checking into to people cause their dad calls em up and says "this guy looks suspicious."

When Mike’s inquiries raise red flags at Homeland Security, he is forced to explain his interest in Gregory, and Peter is pulled in to the investigation. Homeland Security discovers that Peter once worked overseas in military intelligence, and convinces him to work undercover to try to determine whether Gregory is involved.



Peter befriends Gregory and discovers that he is the one who destroyed the tower. Gregory believes cell phones to be radiation hazards, and considers the towers a blight on the landscape. He is convinced that he can drive Vista Tel out of business by destroying their towers, but the cell phone company ignores his actions.

You're wasting a lot of time and words here with back story (always a red flag to my impatient, let's get this started eye). What you need to convey here is that

Peter Bradovich finds himself working undercover to catch eco-terrorists after he witnesses the destruction of a cell phone tower.

Then you tell us what choice or problem he faces, and what the consequences are for taking action or not taking action.

Peter is torn between helping put an end to the terrorism and not endangering himself and his family. He reluctantly gets even more involved as Gregory and his growing group of urban eco-terrorists destroy two more towers. The cell phone company continues to ignore them.



The group plans to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage as it falls by destroying the 345,000-volt transmission line that borders Lake Erie. This is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003. That blackout resulted in six billion dollars in losses and caused eleven deaths. The group is certain that the cell phone company will not be able to ignore this act of destruction. Peter is to drive.



As Gregory and his group approach the tower, Homeland Security steps in to stop the destruction. Mike works with their antiterrorism unit to extricate his father without revealing his dual role. Gregory and most of his group are arrested, the wave of destruction is stopped, and Peter and his wife can sail away into the sunset

You don't need to cover the entire novel here. You only need to entice someone to read on.

Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 95,000 word novel, for representation.

Because there's so much of the story revealed here it's VERY hard to suspend disbelief. A good novel draws the reader into the yarn and pretty soon you DO believe everything on the page. It's almost impossible to do that in a one page query, and the fortunate thing is you don't have to. You only need to make me think "oh, that sounds interesting; what happens next?"

Form rejection

--------------

ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark:

Did you drive to work today? What if? As you pass a cell phone tower while driving down the freeway at seventy miles per hour, it falls over! No explosions, no workers, nothing remarkable: it just -- falls -- over…


This is a classic error in queries. Don't start with a question. If you addressed this to any of the many hundreds of agents with a NYC address, chances are they did NOT drive to work today. And chances are they did NOT pass a cell phone tower (cell phone transmitters are on the tops of buildings here.) You're better off leaving this out and starting with the paragraph that comes next.


When consulting engineer and sometimes sailor Peter Bradovich, witnesses the destruction of a cell phone tower while driving to work in Cleveland, he is led by his natural curiosity into working undercover with Homeland Security to expose the perpetrators, an improbable alliance of urban eco-terrorists, Muslim fundamentalists, and industrial espionage mercenaries.


Improbable is right. Rather than list this hodge podge of villainy you might just want to leave it at "terrorists" so I don't look at this and think "yea right, granola and burkas and brand names, oh my."

You really need to start with something I believe can happen. Eco-terrorists knocking down cell phone towers-you bet. Anti-western terrorists knocking down cell phone towers-sure. Eco-terrorists and anti-western terrorists joining TOGETHER to knock down cell phone towers? No. First, they don't need each other. Second, they don't have any common political goals. Third, just exactly how do they find each other? Ads on craiglists under "terrorist henchman needed"?

Simplify.

And what does "sometime sailor" have to do with anything that follows? Nothing.

Peter stops to investigate the cell tower site on his way home, and by pure chance he meets Gregory Zaremba. Gregory, who looks like the stereotypical college kid, professes to be curious, too, but Peter suspects his interest is deeper. Peter calls his son Mike, a U.S. Marshall who works out of Denver, for advice. Mike urges him to be very careful about getting involved, but promises to look into Gregory’s background. When Mike’s inquiries raise red flags at Homeland Security, he is forced to explain his interest in Gregory, and Peter is pulled in to the investigation. Peter befriends Gregory and discovers that he is the one who destroyed the tower! Gregory considers cell phone towers to be an ugly blight on the landscape, and has destroyed the tower in an attempt to force the company to stop erecting them.

ugly blight is redundant.
You're using too much of your query letter here to say the one thing you need: Gregory is knocking down cell phone towers because he wants the company to quit erecting them.


Peter meets Rachel Goldmann, Gregory’s girlfriend and fellow eco-terrorist, and joins their group as its third member. As they continue to destroy cell towers, Peter discovers that they are being supported by a mysterious character from California who professes to be working for a competing cell phone company, but is in fact an Arab fundamentalist. He in turn is being supported by another even more mysterious character from Alexandria, Virginia.

And that's one mysterious character too many.

You can leave this entire paragraph out.

The group plans to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage as it falls by destroying the 345,000-volt transmission line that borders Lake Erie. This is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003! All of the key players travel to Cleveland to witness the results of this epic act of destruction. Finally, Homeland Security steps in at the last minute, stops the destruction, and arrests the perpetrators - at least most of them.

This is a bumpy awkward paragraph.

The problem with the plot here is that there is no long term problem. It's not all that hard to build a cell phone tower. If they get knocked down, the company puts another one up. It's inconvenient sure, but it's not life threatening. A good thriller needs higher stakes.

And even if the terrorists knock out all the power on the Eastern seaboard, so what? It's not like the guys at ConEd are going to just sit around whistling Home on the Range. They're going to go FIX the power lines. Heck, I'd be in favor of losing power for a couple days. I could get caught up on my reading. And scotch doesn't need to be refrigerated.

Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 95,000-word novel for representation. A detailed synopsis and the complete manuscript are available on request.



Sincerely,


(redacted contact info)



This is a mess of characters and motivations. The writing is bumpy and awkward. The plot is too inconsequential to be a thriller. This is a form rejection.

#135-Revised

Dear Shark,

The Victims of Violent Crimes online forum provides support for those wanting to process through tragedy—but two of its members need more. Kimberly Caudill and Brad Ellis meet in an online forum that provides support for victims of violent crimes. They decide to quit being ‘victims’ and become perpetrators instead. They write a new treatment plan: partner up, hunt down the people responsible for their pain. And kill them.



Brad, a therapist in rural North Carolina, is enraged when two sisters he’s been counseling are brutalized by a meth dealer with a craving for kids. In Brazil, Kimmy’s six-month-old is ripped from her arms, murdered and discarded in the alley trash.


The two agree their first target will be the meth dealer. But, in pursuit of the pedophile, their thirst for revenge sweeps Kimmy and Brad into the broiling undertow of an inter-state gang war, fighting to right more wrongs and avenging abuses beyond their own.

Now the gangbangers are after them. And the meth dealer? He just found the most mouthwatering little boy.

That last sentence revolts me. I'm not sure I'd keep reading past it.

You've got a real problem here when the protagonists of the story become the perpetrators of crimes. How exactly are they going to keep our sympathy particularly when their "thirst for revenge" is turning them into vigilantes.

You've got more story here than you know what to do with.

How Kimmy gets to North Carolina, speaks enough English to navigate etc. is beyond the scope of a query letter. You might leave out that her story starts in Brazil. You don't need every detail in a query and the ones that raise more questions than they answer are good candidates for being left out.

MURDER THERAPY is a 100,000 word crime-thriller that draws upon my own decade of experience in therapy as a Qualified Professional in Mental Health and Substance Abuse, Wilderness Therapy Senior Instructor, and years of teaching Mixed Martial Arts. In addition to attending writing conferences and workshops, I also studied Creative Writing at Brigham Young University.

It's not really a thriller since there's no ticking clock and no issue beyond the personal stories of the protagonists. This is a crime novel most likely. If you kill Kimmy and Brad at the end, it's probably noir.

Form rejection.
----------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

In Wilkes County, North Carolina—birthplace of moonshine and NASCAR—a therapist, Brad Ellis, is rocked with grief when two of his dearest clients are brutalized by a pedophilic meth dealer.

When you mention moonshine and NASCAR in the first sentence, it's not unreasonable to expect the book is about those two things. When I continue reading, I expect to see it. When I don't, I'm confused. Confusion is NOT a good thing in a query letter.

You're using that to be descriptive, but you're describing the location, not the story.

"dearest clients" sounds very strange to me as well, particularly given Brad is a therapist. Are his clients children? And "rocked with grief" is a strange reaction to "brutalized." I'd expect "raging hot anger" --and in fact, given what follows, that's probably more accurate.

Kimberly Caudill is a new mother just arrived in Brazil. Before she’s even unpacked, her six-month-old is ripped from her arms by experienced kidnappers but needlessly murdered once the ransom is paid. In the aftermath of her loss Kimmy’s spiral of self-destruction is amplified by her ‘morning bowl of Zoloft’ and rampant promiscuity.

This is a mess of events, much like too many characters is character soup. The story doesn't start here (but I bet your novel does) The story starts here
------>Then she meets Brad at an online counseling forum. The two agree to augment their treatment by hunting down the people responsible for their tragedies. And kill them.


While Kimmy critiques her target’s fashion sense and Brad struggles with the hypocrisy of being a vigilante-therapist, this crack team botches their first assassination and runs up against a sheriff with his own agenda. He just happens to know someone, a rare individual with a unique skill set, who can help them if they agree to do this one thing—

whoa. Kimmy critiques her target's fashion sense? The fashion sense of a kidnapper who killed her child? This is lunacy. The tone and subject matter combination is so disjointed it makes me think of "Springtime for Hitler" or broccoli ice cream: two things that just do not go together.

And you're off in mish-mash again with "a rare individual" etc. What's the unique skill set and why on earth does he need these two?

From the streets of Sao Palo to the back roads of the rural South, MURDER THERAPY is a story of revenge, filled with violent gang lords, inbred trailer-trash, bikini-clad coeds, special ops soldiers, and crusty old bomb makers.

And we're done. This is where I stop reading. Are you trying to be sardonically humorous? If so, I missed it.

This 100,000 word thriller draws upon my own decade of experience in therapy as a Qualified Professional in Mental Health and Substance Abuse, Wilderness Therapy Senior Instructor, and years of teaching Mixed Martial Arts. In addition to attending writing conferences and workshops, I also studied Creative Writing at (redacted).

This isn't a thriller. I'm not sure what it is, but it's not a thriller. A thriller needs a ticking clock, and stakes larger than what happens to the characters (the difference between burning down one house and burning down a city for example)


Thank you for your consideration,


This is a mess right now. There's a lot of stuff, but no sense of what the book is about and certainly no sense of the book's tone.I have no sense of why I'd want to know any of these characters...in fact, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know them, and that's counterproductive for the purposes of a query.