#141-Revised 4x

Dear Query Shark,

Guardians can defeat any injury or illness, and for around three hundred years have brought about great improvements in people’s lives. Yet these acts are nothing compared to what could happen if a certain fourteen-year-old mustered up the desire to resume his dead father’s cause.

yikes, where did this come from?

Three years ago, Will’s life was shattered. Now, he has rotten prospects, faded dreams, and an old note which hints that his father may have actually chosen to die. Translated, that means something else was more important than staying alive—to be with him. Everything Will believes about his father unravels when he uncovers evidence of a double life kept hidden for over a decade.


Will becomes the target of growing suspicion (by whom?) after another person (who?) connected with the note disappears. When he sets out to discover his father’s past, he learns something else: his father possessed a significant, otherworldly artifact (be specific), which is now missing. His problems worsen after when word gets out that its power might be transferred to anyone who could (yes, forcibly) claim it–and he doesn’t know where it is or what it even looks like.


The trouble with that is? Everyone thinks he has it.

Then he meets Soren, who seems to know more about Will’s fate than Will does. Will is drawn to the frailties and mysteries of the aging monarch, yet fearful of his protection. As violence increases across a once peaceful land, and the guardians begin to disappear, Will must ask himself if Soren is his savior or the one who will lead him to his demise.

You don't need any of this. This is a quest novel. It's Will's story. All you need to do is tell me what Will needs to do to reach his goal.

Will needs to find the artifact--if he can first find the desire, then the courage--to continue what his father believed to be so very worthy. Oh, and the life of poverty thing should be fixed also. But what can one solitary boy do?


THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA fantasy adventure and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


This is getting better except for that first paragraph. Good name change. Pare down to the essentials. Get some vivid word choices in there.


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Dear Query Shark,

Sixteen-year-old Percy has a plan for summer vacation, and it doesn’t include discovering the truth of what happened five years ago. That was when his father died, and he has yet to accept his fate as a result of it: a hard life of poverty. Now he learns that his father may have actually chosen to die.

There's a missing paragraph here. You go from "a plan for summer vacation that doesn't include" to "look for the missing artifact" Something must have happened to change his plans. What was it? That's the key.

Also, five years is a LONG time for a kid. At sixteen, it's not quite a third of his life. Percy sounds a bit neurotic if he hasn't "accepted" what his life is like. If you notice other adventure/quest YA books, you'll notice the main characters may remember the past, but they don't really dwell there. They are trying to make things work in the present.

Percy also learns his father possessed an artifact which one day, along with its bearer, will unite all people when their very survival is threatened. (this is so general as to be useless) He is thrown into the kind of adventure he thought existed only in his father’s bedtime stories, but ill-equipped, for he has never set foot outside of their isolated seaside town. He must overcome an inherent mistrust of adults and learn to accept help - from one in particular. His problems worsen when he realizes that the artifact’s power might be transferred to anyone who could claim it…and he doesn’t know where it is, or what it even looks like.

You don't need a laundry list of the quest. What's the one thing he needs to do? What happens if he fails? What worse thing happens if he succeeds?

And the trouble with that is? Everyone seems to think he has it.

Percy needs to find the artifact, its proper bearer, and why his father was willing to die for it. Oh, and his own life story could also use a happy ending. But what can one solitary boy do?

SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA adventure fiction and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.


I'm pretty sure this isn't a category called adventure fiction cause I've never heard of that before. This is fantasy. Magic artifacts tend to be fantasy (or diet books, but those are shelved, perplexingly, in non-fiction)

This is getting better, but it's not there yet.
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Dear Query Shark,

Percy was just eleven when his father died. The interment was private, nearly unnoticed. In fact, people went about their business as if William Moore had not existed. Now five years later, Percy learns that his father may have chosen to die.

Choosing to die - according to Percy - is just another way of saying that his father chose to leave; it means that he intentionally left them behind. Percy is angry, yet afraid to discover what the well-traveled William knew, why he isolated them near the sea, and with what he was involved – in particular, what he may have loved more than his family. Percy begins to ask questions about his father’s death, stirring what has been long dormant. The questions quickly arouse paranoid suspicion, and he realizes that now he has placed himself and his mother at risk. Powerful memories of his father, and vivid details of a stranger – scholar, actually - who had visited just before William’s death, drives Percy from his childhood home to follow his father’s path back to its beginning.

The story starts here, in the third paragraph:

Percy learns that his (now dead) father acquired an artifact believed to have survived through the end of the previous age.

Believed by whom? You don't need the word believed, and it creates the who believes problem.
Percy learns (no that) his (now dead) father acquired (insert name of what it is or something more specific than) artifact from the end of the previous age (what age? Ice? Dinosaur?)

It may have even stopped time, and much later, brought back the dead to their new world, now 300 years ago.

This sentence just leads to more trouble. You don't have enough time to explain any of the details without sounding muddled: "brought back the dead to their new world" leads me to wonder whose world, and why. Just leave it out.

Along with its bearer, the artifact is prophesied to one day unite all people when their very survival is threatened.

This is where a very plain noun-verb-clause structure is your friend. It is prophesied that one day the artifact and its bearer will unite all people when their very survival is threatened.


Many people are desperate to find it as sporadic violence begins to erode the peace which has reigned for decades. On top of not knowing what or where it is, Percy’s problems worsen when he realizes that the artifact’s power might be transferred to anyone who could claim it. He must overcome an inherent mistrust of adults and learn to accept help - from one in particular.

I strongly strongly strongly suggest that you write straightforward sentences. DO NOT lead with
these damn clauses all the time: Percy's problems worsen when he realizes... Then you put in And he has to find the artifact too or something like that.


If Percy doesn’t discover the origin of the artifact, its whereabouts, and why his father was willing to die for it, he will also fail to find the intended bearer, and his family’s hardship would have been for nothing. Whether his failure results in the end of an age, or his success ensures that the beginning continues, he will learn that parents are still important, friends necessary, and death can be a beginning instead of just an end – for one who surrenders to it, as well as for those who love them.

And when you stop there, instead of adding all this other stuff, you actually have something much closer to enticing.

THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA adventure fiction and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

You're improving but this is still a form rejection.


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Dear Query Shark,

William Moore died when his son Percy was just eleven. The interment was private, nearly unnoticed. In fact, people went about their business as if he had not existed. Now five years later, Percy learns that a friend had feared for his father’s safety, had warned him to discontinue involvement in certain activities…and that William his father may have chosen to die, knowing that it had been foretold.

Start with the character who isn't dead for the entire book, ok? Percy was just eleven when his father died.

And I hate to break this to you, I but I foretell your death. Mine too. We ALL die. Thus "knowing that it had been foretold" is meaningless.

What Percy doesn’t know is that William Moore acquired an artifact believed to have survived through the end of the previous age. It may have even stopped time, and much later, brought back the dead to their new world, now 300 years ago. He also doesn’t know that along with its bearer, the artifact is prophesied to one day unite all people when their very survival is threatened.

If Percy doesn't know it, it doesn't influence his choices at the start of the book. Leave it out. It's like saying "Scarlett O'Hara doesn't know the south will lose so she whiles away the war in Miss Pittypat's parlor instead of learning to farm."

When Percy begins to ask questions about his father’s death. He arouses suspicion and inadvertently places himself and his mother at risk. To discover what William Moore knew, with what he was involved, and why he settled into their isolated, provincial community by the sea, Percy has no choice but to leave his childhood home and follow his father’s path back to its beginning.

Well he does have a choice. And that's why this is still not very focused. You're glossing over the choice he makes: to leave home and discover what his father knew, and why his father isolated their family OR to stay home and remain ignorant. IF he leaves home he risks (whatever he risks). If he doesn't, he'll (whatever he won't)

The query is not the place for a rundown of the entire plot. Focus on what STARTS the plot moving and entice me to read on. Be specific.

And a quick word about starting sentences with when, since, during, meanwhile, but, and: don't. Start with the subject. It will make the sentence stronger about 97.6% of the time, and if it doesn't THEN you start with something else.

However, being sixteen and also much like his father, he strays from his purpose. He quickly gets caught up in the wonder – and the danger - of a civilization which is struggling to build a utopia. He lives through false imprisonment for vagrancy, the murder of his friend’s uncle, and robbery. He doesn’t realize that the events are not unintentional – that being William Moore’s son, he is a curiosity to others who know what he has yet to learn. He may now be the bearer of the extraordinary, if it exists – or could its power be transferred to anyone who could claim it?

To fulfill his father's destiny, and ultimately discover his own, Percy must learn to accept help from others – one in particular - and resume his path, the one which was chosen for him.

THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA adventure fiction and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Form rejection
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(4 lines of address redacted)

DON'T PUT YOUR CONTACT INFO AT THE TOP. Yes, I'm shrieking. I see this all the time and it's starting to make me nuts. In an email query, your contact info goes at the bottom under your name. Don't waste the first 4, 8 or 16 lines of an email with something OTHER than the most important information: what your book is about.

Dear Query Shark,

The maturation of 16-year-old Percy Moore stalled five years ago when his father died, and left him lingering in their isolated, provincial community.

What? He stopped growing? He stopped maturing? He's lingering on his death bed? This is so general as to be meaningless. Be specific. Percy Moore's father dies and leave him alone in an isolated community. Then what?


He cocoons, and avoids adults with their curious stares.

What, his father was the first person to ever die there? He died from something suspicious? Right now this doesn't make sense. Why are people staring at Percy? And cocooning is one of those shelter-magazine buzz words meaning people stay at home with their entertainment systems. Is that how you mean it here?


But when he endangers his remaining family by discovering that his father’s death may not have been accidental, Percy is forced to leave his childhood home. He knows that he must either run to hide, or swallow his fear and seek out the details of his father’s mysterious past.

You'd think he'd want to leave if people are staring at him. Be specific about what the problem is.

What Percy doesn’t know is that his father had been foretold and accepted his own fate, and had armed and prepared his son to find the same path and accomplish what he would not.

His father had been foretold doesn't make sense. An event, not a person is foretold. And Percy doesn't sound armed or prepared at all to me.

As Percy journeys through the unfamiliar, gathering friends and straying from his original purpose, he also doesn’t realize that his father’s life and death is not a secret.

unfamiliar what?
uh...since when was it ever thought to be a secret?

William Moore was believed to possess a gift of unknown origin or value - brought about by his travels - which would one day bring people and lands together in a struggle for survival. Unaware that the events are related,

What events?

Percy lives through imprisonment for vagrancy, the murder of his friend’s uncle, and robbery. To survive, he must learn to allow adults – one in particular – into his life again and resume his path, the one which was chosen for him.

List the events, then say "the events are related" otherwise the reader doesn't know what events you're talking about. But you also don't want a list of events in a query. You want problem/conflict/consequences and choices.

This is so general as to be meaningless. Get back to basics. What's the problem Percy faces? What are the consequences? Answer that in fewer than 100 specific words.

THE SAME SPIRIT is complete at 86,000 words. It is YA fiction, the first of a 3-book series and also and my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.



Sincerely,


Form rejection.

#136-revised 4x-For the Win

Dear Query Shark:

I found you on AgentQuery.com. Your profile indicates that my 90,000-word novel might be your kind of book.

Ok, I'm not sure why you think leading with this is a good idea. It's not. Even if an agent wants to know how you found his/her name, and that you've researched what they want to see, it's not the most important thing. The most important thing is: What The Book Is About. Move this to the end.

Cell Tower:

And this is crazy. You've got the title at the end already. Start at the right place like you always have.


Consulting engineer Peter Bradovich, on autopilot as he drives to work in Cleveland, is jarred back to reality when he sees a cell phone tower sway, then crash to the ground. The tower, a hundred feet tall and four feet in diameter, is not the sort of thing to just topple over.



To his amazement, Peter finds no news coverage of what he believes is a very newsworthy event. His curious nature overcomes his better judgment, and he returns to the scene to investigate. There, he meets Gregory Zaremba, a typically scruffy college student who professes to be curious, too.


Maybe it's his old military background, maybe it's his slightly right wing distrust of liberal looking college students, but Peter finds himself feeling suspicious of Gregory. He calls his son, a U.S. Marshall, and he suddenly finds himself unwillingly drawn into working undercover for Homeland Security.



Peter discovers Gregory and his group of eco-terrorists believe that cell phones are radiation hazards, and their towers a blight on the landscape. They dream of driving cell phone companies out of business by destroying their towers.



Peter is torn between helping Homeland Security put an end to the destruction and walking away from the incident, between his sense of patriotism and his concern for his family's safety.



When Peter gets more deeply involved, he finds that Gregory's quirky, computer-nerd, girlfriend has made a connection to a west coast industrial espionage agent who is providing resources to them. Unbeknownst to them, the agent is actually a radical Muslim extremist who is using the disruptions caused by the eco-terrorists to mask his own group's preparations for the coming American jihad.



The eco-terrorists plan to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage by destroying the 345,000-volt power transmission line along Lake Erie. Peter knows this is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003, the blackout that resulted in six billion dollars in losses and caused eleven deaths. He begs Homeland Security to step in and put a stop to the destruction, but they insist on letting the plan go forward.

(here's where you put the How I Found You stuff if you really want to include it)

I found you on AgentQuery.com. Your profile indicates that my 90,000-word novel might be your kind of book.


Thank you for considering Cell Tower for representation.



Sincerely,








And there you have it. Other than those two things you cobbled on at the top, you've got yourself a pretty good query here. In fact, you'd get me to read on.



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Dear Query Shark:

Peter Bradovich is astonished to see a cell phone tower sway, and then crash to the ground. The tower was over a hundred feet tall and about four feet in diameter, is not the sort of thing to just topple over.



To his amazement, Peter finds no news coverage of what he believes is a very newsworthy event. His curious nature overcomes his better judgment, and he returns to the scene to investigate. There, he meets Gregory Zaremba, and immediately becomes suspicious of him. Peter talks to his son, a U.S. Marshall, and finds himself unwillingly drawn into working undercover for Homeland Security.

You need a break between meeting Zaremba, and talking to the son:

There, he meets Gregory Zaremba, and immediately becomes suspicious of him.

Peter talks to his son, a U.S. Marshall, and finds himself unwillingly drawn into working undercover for Homeland Security.

Peter discovers that Gregory and his group of eco-terrorists believe cell phones to be are radiation hazards, and consider the towers a blight on the landscape. They dream of driving cell phone companies out of business by destroying their towers. Peter is torn between helping Homeland Security put an end to the destruction and walking away from the incident, between his sense of patriotism and his concern for his family's safety.

And again, you need a break:

They dream of driving cell phone companies out of business by destroying their towers.

Peter is torn between helping Homeland Security put an end to the destruction and walking away from the incident, between his sense of patriotism and his concern for his family's safety.

As When Peter gets more deeply involved, he finds that Gregory's group has a connection to a west coast industrial espionage agent who is providing resources to them.

And I'd actually put Peter is torn between helping Homeland Security put an end to the destruction and walking away from the incident, between his sense of patriotism and his concern for his family's safety. here, not where it is above.



Unbeknownst to Gregory and company, the agent is actually a radical Muslim extremist who is using the disruptions caused by the eco-terrorists to mask his group's preparations for the coming American jihad.



The eco-terrorists plan to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage by destroying the 345,000-volt power transmission line along Lake Erie. This is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003, the blackout that resulted in six billion dollars in losses and caused eleven deaths.

Here's an interesting dilemma. You're stepping outside the story eco-terrorists plan to destroy, to give the readers important info "this is the line"

How do you do that without breaking the narrative?

You give Peter the knowledge: Peter knows this is the line that

At the last minute, Homeland Security, aided by Peter and his son, steps in to stop the destruction and apprehend the perpetrators.

A query letter is NOT the place to reveal the ending of the book. You want to entice me to read it, not tell the whole story.

Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 90,000 word novel for representation.



Sincerely,

This is startlingly better than the previous versions. You're about one revision away from me wanting to read pages. I repeat my caution to other writers here: you MUST apply what you're learning here to the novel itself. It won't do you any good to have a polished query letter if the book doesn't measure up.


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Dear Query Shark,

Peter Bradovich is on automatic pilot as he drives to work in Cleveland. He is jarred back to reality when he sees a cell phone tower sway, and crash to the ground. The tower, typical of those in this rural area, was over a hundred feet tall and about four feet in diameter, not the sort of thing to just topple over.

Peter Bradovich is astonished to see a cell phone tower crash to the ground. Towers are more than a hundred feet tall and four feet in diameter-not the sort of thing to just topple over.

Can you see the difference? Focus on the action--leave everything else out. When I see this kind of static (not dynamic) writing in a query letter, I know I'm going to see it in the novel.

Peter, a consulting engineer, does a little Internet investigation at lunchtime. To his amazement, he finds no mention of the destroyed tower. His curiosity piqued, he does some research and discovers that towers of this sort typically cost over $150,000. He decides to investigate the cell tower site that evening.

Peter is amazed to find no news coverage of, what seem to him, a startling event.

Near the site, he meets Gregory Zaremba. Gregory, who looks like the stereotypical college student, professes to be curious, too, but Peter becomes suspicious of him. He calls his son Mike, a U.S. Marshall who works out of Denver, explains the strange circumstances, and asks him for advice. Mike urges him to be extremely cautious about getting involved, but promises to take a quick look at Gregory’s background.

You're not getting to the heart of the plot. You don't have to mention how the plot gets started, just what it IS.

Mike’s inquiries raise red flags at Homeland Security, and before he fully realizes why, Peter is pulled in to the investigation of the cell tower crash.



Peter discovers that Gregory believes cell phones to be radiation hazards, and considers the towers a blight on the landscape. Gregory intends to drive Vista Tel out of business by destroying their towers, but the cell phone company is ignoring his actions.




Peter becomes torn between helping put an end to the destruction and walking away from the incident, between his sense of patriotism and his concern for the safety of his family. His old military intelligence background kicks in, and he reluctantly gets even more involved as Gregory and his group of urban eco-terrorists destroy two more towers. The cell phone company continues to ignore them.



Despite Peter's protests, the group plans to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage by destroying a 345,000-volt power transmission line. This is the line along Lake Erie that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003. That blackout resulted in six billion dollars in losses and caused eleven deaths. The group is certain that Vista Tel will not be able to ignore them this time. Working with Homeland Security, Peter is compelled to continue his role, and help bring the destruction to an end.

Peter discovers the mysterious cell tower destruction is simply the first in a planned series of eco terrorist acts. He must do (insert some sort of phrase about choices and consequences for PETER) before such and so (the terrorist's actions) can bring destruction to the known world.

Do you see the difference? You're getting bogged down in details we don't need. Tell me the bones of the story: the crucial plot points and why it matters to the hero.

Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 95,000 word novel for representation.



Sincerely,


Form rejection
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Dear Query Shark:


Consulting engineer, and sometimes sailor, Peter Bradovich, witnesses a cell phone tower fall over while driving to work early one morning. The tower, typical of those in this rural area, was over a hundred feet tall and about four feet in diameter; not the sort of thing to just fall over.

Consulting engineer and sometimes sailor have NOTHING to do with what follows. It's also not the most important description of this guy. You bury that in the middle of the third paragraph.

And "fall over" is one of the least exciting ways you can describe a 400 foot tower toppling, collapsing, teetering or just plain becoming one with gravity. I look for writers who use words creatively and cleverly.

Peter stops to investigate the cell tower site that evening, and by pure chance, he meets Gregory Zaremba. Gregory, who looks like the stereotypical college kid, professes to be curious, too, but Peter suspects his interest is deeper. Peter calls his son Mike, a U.S. Marshall who works out of Denver, for advice. Mike urges him to be very careful about getting involved, but promises to look into Gregory’s background.

Pure chance? No, not hardly. Gregory is there at that place on purpose. That's not pure chance at all.

And a commenter in the earlier version mentioned that a law enforcement guys can't just run around checking into to people cause their dad calls em up and says "this guy looks suspicious."

When Mike’s inquiries raise red flags at Homeland Security, he is forced to explain his interest in Gregory, and Peter is pulled in to the investigation. Homeland Security discovers that Peter once worked overseas in military intelligence, and convinces him to work undercover to try to determine whether Gregory is involved.



Peter befriends Gregory and discovers that he is the one who destroyed the tower. Gregory believes cell phones to be radiation hazards, and considers the towers a blight on the landscape. He is convinced that he can drive Vista Tel out of business by destroying their towers, but the cell phone company ignores his actions.

You're wasting a lot of time and words here with back story (always a red flag to my impatient, let's get this started eye). What you need to convey here is that

Peter Bradovich finds himself working undercover to catch eco-terrorists after he witnesses the destruction of a cell phone tower.

Then you tell us what choice or problem he faces, and what the consequences are for taking action or not taking action.

Peter is torn between helping put an end to the terrorism and not endangering himself and his family. He reluctantly gets even more involved as Gregory and his growing group of urban eco-terrorists destroy two more towers. The cell phone company continues to ignore them.



The group plans to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage as it falls by destroying the 345,000-volt transmission line that borders Lake Erie. This is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003. That blackout resulted in six billion dollars in losses and caused eleven deaths. The group is certain that the cell phone company will not be able to ignore this act of destruction. Peter is to drive.



As Gregory and his group approach the tower, Homeland Security steps in to stop the destruction. Mike works with their antiterrorism unit to extricate his father without revealing his dual role. Gregory and most of his group are arrested, the wave of destruction is stopped, and Peter and his wife can sail away into the sunset

You don't need to cover the entire novel here. You only need to entice someone to read on.

Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 95,000 word novel, for representation.

Because there's so much of the story revealed here it's VERY hard to suspend disbelief. A good novel draws the reader into the yarn and pretty soon you DO believe everything on the page. It's almost impossible to do that in a one page query, and the fortunate thing is you don't have to. You only need to make me think "oh, that sounds interesting; what happens next?"

Form rejection

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ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark:

Did you drive to work today? What if? As you pass a cell phone tower while driving down the freeway at seventy miles per hour, it falls over! No explosions, no workers, nothing remarkable: it just -- falls -- over…


This is a classic error in queries. Don't start with a question. If you addressed this to any of the many hundreds of agents with a NYC address, chances are they did NOT drive to work today. And chances are they did NOT pass a cell phone tower (cell phone transmitters are on the tops of buildings here.) You're better off leaving this out and starting with the paragraph that comes next.


When consulting engineer and sometimes sailor Peter Bradovich, witnesses the destruction of a cell phone tower while driving to work in Cleveland, he is led by his natural curiosity into working undercover with Homeland Security to expose the perpetrators, an improbable alliance of urban eco-terrorists, Muslim fundamentalists, and industrial espionage mercenaries.


Improbable is right. Rather than list this hodge podge of villainy you might just want to leave it at "terrorists" so I don't look at this and think "yea right, granola and burkas and brand names, oh my."

You really need to start with something I believe can happen. Eco-terrorists knocking down cell phone towers-you bet. Anti-western terrorists knocking down cell phone towers-sure. Eco-terrorists and anti-western terrorists joining TOGETHER to knock down cell phone towers? No. First, they don't need each other. Second, they don't have any common political goals. Third, just exactly how do they find each other? Ads on craiglists under "terrorist henchman needed"?

Simplify.

And what does "sometime sailor" have to do with anything that follows? Nothing.

Peter stops to investigate the cell tower site on his way home, and by pure chance he meets Gregory Zaremba. Gregory, who looks like the stereotypical college kid, professes to be curious, too, but Peter suspects his interest is deeper. Peter calls his son Mike, a U.S. Marshall who works out of Denver, for advice. Mike urges him to be very careful about getting involved, but promises to look into Gregory’s background. When Mike’s inquiries raise red flags at Homeland Security, he is forced to explain his interest in Gregory, and Peter is pulled in to the investigation. Peter befriends Gregory and discovers that he is the one who destroyed the tower! Gregory considers cell phone towers to be an ugly blight on the landscape, and has destroyed the tower in an attempt to force the company to stop erecting them.

ugly blight is redundant.
You're using too much of your query letter here to say the one thing you need: Gregory is knocking down cell phone towers because he wants the company to quit erecting them.


Peter meets Rachel Goldmann, Gregory’s girlfriend and fellow eco-terrorist, and joins their group as its third member. As they continue to destroy cell towers, Peter discovers that they are being supported by a mysterious character from California who professes to be working for a competing cell phone company, but is in fact an Arab fundamentalist. He in turn is being supported by another even more mysterious character from Alexandria, Virginia.

And that's one mysterious character too many.

You can leave this entire paragraph out.

The group plans to destroy their fourth tower, one that will cause horrendous damage as it falls by destroying the 345,000-volt transmission line that borders Lake Erie. This is the line that caused the great northeast power blackout of 2003! All of the key players travel to Cleveland to witness the results of this epic act of destruction. Finally, Homeland Security steps in at the last minute, stops the destruction, and arrests the perpetrators - at least most of them.

This is a bumpy awkward paragraph.

The problem with the plot here is that there is no long term problem. It's not all that hard to build a cell phone tower. If they get knocked down, the company puts another one up. It's inconvenient sure, but it's not life threatening. A good thriller needs higher stakes.

And even if the terrorists knock out all the power on the Eastern seaboard, so what? It's not like the guys at ConEd are going to just sit around whistling Home on the Range. They're going to go FIX the power lines. Heck, I'd be in favor of losing power for a couple days. I could get caught up on my reading. And scotch doesn't need to be refrigerated.

Thank you for considering Cell Tower, my 95,000-word novel for representation. A detailed synopsis and the complete manuscript are available on request.



Sincerely,


(redacted contact info)



This is a mess of characters and motivations. The writing is bumpy and awkward. The plot is too inconsequential to be a thriller. This is a form rejection.