#127-revised 3x

-->

Dear Query Shark,



In 1848, Jack Numont desires Beaver Island, Michigan to remain a paradise, but the Mormons are coming, and with them arrives a peculiar sexuality and violence. At first, Jack considers surrendering to his pacifist upbringing and simply join the Mormon Church to blend in and stay safe, but that notion sticks in his craw. The Mormon practice of defiling multiple wives, in Jack’s mind, is a heinous, mortal sin, and he cannot--idly stand by.

Let's start with that first sentence: In 1848, Jack Numont desires Beaver Island, Michigan to remain a paradise, but the Mormons are coming, and with them arrives a peculiar sexuality and violence.

If the first thing you show me in a query letter is a long-ass sentence that I have to parse to find the subject, you're showing me I'm going to see more of this in your novel. This is textbook Not A Good Thing.

Frankly, I'd probably stop reading here.  Fair? Probably not. But honestly, this sentence begs to be revised for clarity.

Consider this: Jack Numont is convinced he lives in Paradise: Beaver Island, Michigan.  BUT, once you write that you can see it's not the way to start this query. You want to begin your query with the problem. The problem isn't paradise. The problem is the influx of people who are violent. 

So, start here: The Mormons are coming to Beaver Island, Michigan and Jack Numont is afraid they will  (whatever he's afraid they will do.)

What you haven't conveyed here is why the folks in Beaver Island think the Mormons are out to get them.

But you get to that here in the second paragraph, which says to me that this is where you should start.

Based on historical events, the self-proclaimed Mormon King, James Strang led a splinter group of pilgrims to Beaver Island and drove out the Irish Catholics with religious intolerance and fiscal policy. King Strang hates gentiles and has outlawed: U.S. currency, whiskey, and all other religions—except his.

Except of course you still have those long ass sentences. And "fiscal policy"?? What exactly does that mean in the cash and barter economy the 1848? He sure as hell didn't cut off their credit cards or bundle their mortgages in the subprime market. Be SPECIFIC.

Consider: In 1848 the self-proclaimed Mormon King, James Strang, led a splinter group to Beaver Island Michigan and drove out the resident Irish Catholics with (and now you'll need to be very specific here about what he did. Burn? Rape? Pillage? Play loud music?)

Then you bring in Jack Numont. (Is Jack Numont a fictional character? If he is you should consider changing his name. Jack/James is confusing)

Jack begins his crusade to expel the Mormons from Beaver Island by executing a plot of excruciating subterfuge to undermine the Church’s finances. Given enough time, his secondary campaign to expose Mormon dogma as outrageous lies will have their religious potentate’s eyes gushing blood.

Executing a plot of excruciating subterfuge--I exhort you to excise one of the ex's from your sentence here. 

While King Strang believes he has God’s ear, his ultimate weakness is megalomaniacal madness. For acts of sedition the King prefers Jack impale himself on something sharp--with his help, of course and preferably yesterday.

Megalomanical madness is pretty boring.  It will really REALLY help if your antagonist is interesting.  He must have been a compelling figure if he led people into a splinter faction and off into the wilderness. You've got to figure out what drew people to him and let the reader see it too. He can't just be bad cause you need him to be bad.

Jack’s rage and fear drives him toward regicide. His patience is wearing thin. Murder is quicker, but his pacifist soul wants peace.

This is all too general to be enticing.

THE MAD KING OF BEAVER ISLAND is 110,000 words. It is Historical Fiction/Low Fantasy and my first novel.

Wait. Low fantasy? WHAT?  oh god, no no no. Call it historical fiction. That sounds right to me.

I do like the title. 


Thank you for your time and consideration.


Revise. Excise.


 -----------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,


In 1848, Jack Numont wants his paradise on Beaver Island, Michigan back from the invading Mormon hoard. He refuses to convert or comply with Mormon ideology which puts him in the crosshairs of the new Mormon sovereign. (paragraph break here will help us see this guy as the antagonist) King Strang hates gentiles and has outlawed U.S. currency, whiskey, and all other religions—except his. Using God as a bludgeon the King coerces teenage girls into polygamous relations with his gray-haired cronies and decrees all women must wear thin, loose bloomers in public. (put this next sentence at the end of the first paragraph--->) Jack wishes the Mormons to go back to hell where they spawned.


Here's what the revised formatting would look like:


In 1848, Jack Numont wants his paradise on Beaver Island, Michigan back from the invading Mormon hoard. He refuses to convert or comply with Mormon ideology which puts him in the crosshairs of the new Mormon sovereign. Jack wishes the Mormons to go back to hell where they spawned.

King Strang hates gentiles and has outlawed U.S. currency, whiskey, and all other religions—except his. Using God as a bludgeon the King coerces teenage girls into polygamous relations with his gray-haired cronies and decrees all women must wear thin, loose bloomers in public.




The King’s thugs, the Marshals, are charged with driving off all nonbelievers, including the new tavern-owner, Meri. Jack’s a young shopkeeper and Meri’s business acumen has him considering a merger—personal and financial.



One thing I was confused about is that King Strang means he's a king. For some reason I thought it was a name.  Why**? Cause I don't associate Michigan with kings at all. Last I saw Michigan was a state of these United ones, since 1836  

** or too much devotion to the James Garner character in Victor/Victoria!




The Marshals escalate their violent persuasions after the last ship departs the island for the winter. They implicate Jack in a murder and bullwhip him when they can’t prove his guilt. Meri nurses Jack’s wounds, and he loves her for her tenderness. For her trouble, the King bombs her tavern.




This is just more exposition of the same plot point: Jack opposes the bad guys.


Jack longs to be with his new sweetheart, but his first love, Beaver Island, requires his help to eradicate its current Mormon infestation.


Jack’s rage points him toward regicide. While the King believes he has God’s ear, his ultimate weakness is megalomaniacal madness. The Marshals prefer Jack impale himself on something sharp--with their help, of course and preferably yesterday.

That last line is terrific.

Who destroys and who self-destructs is left to history.



Which is ok but that's the end of the novel. We don't need the whole book, we need the plot. It's not what happens to your characters (that's a series of events) it's how those characters respond to what happens to them (I learned that from a commenter on one of the Queryshark posts! You bet I stole it and posthaste!) What choice does Jack have to make. What are the stakes of that choice?


THE LADY OF THE LAKES is a alternative history novel of 110,000 words.



Alternative to what? Alternative history is usually a well-known event or time, turned inside out. We have no sense of that here. It's not something we can intuit from text either (other than knowing there really wasn't a king in Michigan) You need to start out your query with what this is an alternative history for.


This is a totally different novel than the one you queried for earlier. I like this one a lot more. I have the utmost admiration for writers who don't give up, don't have their posts taken down in a huff, and press on to improve.  

Very good revision.



   
   
   


 ------------------------------
 FIRST REVISION
Dear Query Shark,


In 1679, Meri du Sida must choose between an island tribe of Native Americans and French explorers demanding her return to Quebec.


The explorers aspire to the moral high ground by repatriating Meri, but they do not recognize her penchant to strike out and kill on a whim.

Then you fall off the right track and go splat.  The second sentence needs to be about Meri, not the explorers.  Meri is the protagonist.   What's at stake in this choice for HER?

Recognize is the wrong word here.  It means either they see it but don't know what it is, or they see it and give it no credence or authority.  I think you mean they don't know she does this. And if they did, would it encourage them to decamp from high moral ground?

Meri is petrified of water and has not left the island since being orphaned as a child. She is a skilled shaman, a mother and tribal pariah. The villagers adore her child, but Meri, not so much. Men die around the derisive and vindictive woman.

And here is a big huge splat. If Meri is the protagonist you've described her in terms that make me want to avoid the hell out of her, not spend 110,000 words getting to know her better.

Bad can be enticing but you're missing the enticing part here. You make your protagonist enticing by showing us why she's all these bad things.

The father of Meri's child is a malicious Indian deity, and he does not want his precious to leave with the white devils. He would rather see her, and them, dead.

You cannot use the phrase "his precious" without conjuring up Lord of the Rings. That's probably something you don't want to do because it makes me wonder if I'm going to read pages that are derivative or thinly disguised fan fiction.

Also, another malicious character? Is anyone the good guy here?

Meri's decision (what decision?--you mean her choice) is nullified when she is kidnapped and held captive aboard the French ship. She believes sailing the Great Lakes means her death, like her father's before her. The young mother's last wish is for her child to be raised by the family she loves, and the tribe that despises Meri's existence.

I am now totally and completely at sea...and not in a good way. What family? Is Meri the "young mother"?

Her devine lover, unable to free Meri, commands her to execute a human sacrifice aboard ship and place a curse on the French voyagers.

I think you mean divine unless greenery is somehow coming in to play. And who is this lover? Is it the same person as the father of Meri's child?

And human sacrifices? Yikes!!!

If Meri does not complete the curse and satisfy the demands of her spirit paramour, he will remove her daughter--permanently.

Yea, but isn't she already separated from the kid?

Meri's choice may be obvious, but the curse will plunge Meri into a campaign for survival against the explorers in perpetuity or until the curse is broken.


THE LADY OF THE LAKES is a low fantasy novel of 110,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Well, this is an improvement but there's still a ways to go.

Refer to your characters by name as much as possible without overdoing it. In short form work like a query, you don't have time to for your reader to recognize characters by more than one name or more than one description usually.

Clarity is the most important thing in a query. If I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not going to be enticed to read it.

Start again. Simplify. Focus on the first choice Meri makes, and the stakes for THAT choice. Give us a reason to care about what choice she makes.

---------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

Merida must kill herself to place a curse on the sailboat Le Griffin, and all aboard her. Merida is an auburn haired beauty with a poisoned soul. She hears voices in her head and the voices tell her to kill herself to initiate the curse. Merida intuitively believes the voices are her Spirit Gods and acts on their directions.

In 1679, Cavalier de La Salle's Le Griffin became the very first Flying Dutchman above the Niagara Falls as Merida fulfills her obligation to the Spirit Gods. The curse not only sinks Le Griffin and kills all aboard; it spreads its evil intentions to all of the future ancestors of those aboard.

The curse causes deep seated unfathomable feelings of hatred in some of the children of Le Griffin. This will lead to murder and mayhem among the future children of the crew. The curse can be broken with the aid of a few benevolent Spirit Gods, but even they cannot decipher the condition for nullifying the curse placed by Merida.

In the end

One by love

One by hate

Will end the fate.

Merida is the adopted white daughter of an Indian medicine man and has learned Indian lore. Merida cursed the ship and all aboard when she was made to leave her home and was forced to return to the colonies of her birth. Merida's unbending fear of water tipped her over the edge and into psychosis when she was confronted with a long sailing trip back east.

Lt. Proto, a French explorer with La Salle, and Wasaga, an Indian interpreter, found themselves on Le Griffin trying to prevent Merida from fulfilling the curse. The two men were caught up in the curse when Wasaga was thrown overboard to his death and Lt Proto was killed by Merida just before her suicide.

In 1679 La Salle, the builder of Le Griffin watched as she sailed away from Le Gran Bay in Lake Michigan to complete her maiden voyage. In the age of sail an overdue ship was cause for concern and speculation. Speculation is rife with stories of good and bad intentions. This multigenerational tale starts with Le Griffin and ends with the most well known sinking of a ship on the Great Lakes in the latter half of the twentieth century.

The future generations of the crew of Le Griffin have strikingly similar names, odd quirks and descriptions to those people lost in 1679. This was done to maintain the continuity of the main characters as they progress through the centuries. The ancestors of Le Griffin wind their lives through the War of 1812, the Civil War, the Mormon King of Beaver Island, sinking ships and shipwrecks on inhospitable shores. Eventually they fulfill the requirements of the curse and end it nearly three hundred years later.

THE LADY OF THE LAKE is 250,000 words long and is historical fiction. Thank you for your time and consideration.

thud.

Sincerely,



P.S. I have read the rules and I know this part does not belong in a query. I have read the vast majority of your query critiques and I have found them very enlightening. Up to a week ago I had never heard of a query as it relates to seeking an agent. I am positive I would have made all of the typical mistakes plus a few new ones. So thank you for your help. I have also realized in reading the queries that the genre and length of my work does not seem to fit into the literary mode your agency typically represents. I will value any help you can give me in honing my skills. I hope my query will be a good teaching tool if you chose to critique it. I'm thickening up my skin as I write and I promise not to call or stop by...ever.


That PS made me laugh. It also made me choose this letter.

You know this is a mess, but you're willing to learn. That's good.

First, 250,000 words is just too long.
It has to be cut in half. Even epic fantasy novels from debut authors can't be more than about 125,000 words these days.

So, first thing: chop.

Then start with: who is the heroine? What choice does she face? What are the consequences of that choice? Write that in 250 or fewer words. You don't need the entire plot. You need to compel me to read the first five pages. That's ALL you have to do in the query.

Form rejection (but you knew that)

Start again.

#126

Dear Query Shark:

Fanfare for the Common Woman is a 90,000 word work of women’s fiction that revolves around the emotional development of Cris Pereira. She is a twenty-something Latina with a recent history of heartbreak: her first love confessed to cheating on her months after their engagement, and her father succumbed to cancer only a few weeks later. These events have made Cris quietly bitter and openly jaded about love and the possibility of finding happiness. Because she is an inherently strong woman with a low tolerance for pity, she hides her pain behind her sunny smile and acerbic wit. In private, she suffers recurring nightmares centered on her fear of being alone.


And why should I care? This is all tell, no show. Show us what Cris is like. This reads like an intake report of some kind. There's no voice, no spark here.

This is where I'd stop reading in a query letter.

One ordinary Sunday, she volunteers to take her cousins to a celebrity autograph signing. While there, she inadvertently attracts the attention of the young actor Tom Abramson. He is drawn to her unique sense of humor and spirited independence. Intrigued by her disinterest in him, he proceeds to contact her via text messages and emails. Against her better judgment, she cannot ignore the stirrings of her long-dead heart.

Again, this is all tell, no show. We have no sense of her unique sense of humor and spirited independence. You really don't need all the psychological set up. The start of this story is when Tom meets Cris. She's not interested, he stalks woos her.

Throughout the tale, Cris is constantly challenged by those around her to excise the demons of her past and believe in the plausibility of happiness. Her closest friends, Gita and Hana, offer contrasting perspectives that add humor and heartache to Cris’ journey of self-development. Tom’s carefree spirit is repeatedly juxtaposed alongside Cris’ penchant for thoughtful deliberation. He insists that Cris needs to think less, and do more. To that effect, he organizes experiences that push her outside of her comfort zone, with a wide array of results.

This is all so general as to be boring. What do they do? What choice does Cris need to make? What risk does she take?

Will Cris finally understand what it means to be happy? Will she relinquish her tight hold on the reins and learn to live in the moment?

I am a twenty-something woman with a multicultural background and degrees in English Composition and Political Science. A great deal of the experiences in this work are taken from my own life, and I hope to convey sentiments that many women will be able to relate to and understand.

I don't care about any of that. All I care about is whether this is an interesting and compelling novel.

I came across your blog when I was searching for information on query letters, and I really appreciate both your humor and your efforts to make such a daunting process easier. You truly are filled with "salacious badassness" - in the best kind of way.

Well, ok, sucking up is never wrong artful compliments are never out of place (and thank you.)

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you. Below is the text from the first five pages of my novel.

Sincerely,

Form rejection.

#125

Dear Query Shark,

What would you do if your whole hometown was wiped out? Your friends, your family, everyone was killed by a homicidal maniac. The only thing you can think of doing is running from the dying community.

The problem with these kinds of rhetorical questions is that you frequently don't get the answer that you need to generate interest in the book. For example if my entire home town was wiped out, I might be damn glad because after that house fell on my sister Munchkinland just hasn't been the same.

Your best bet is to tell me what your story is about.


Or what if your birth was the ruin of your mother? You were despised and alienated for years, but were able to finally find something that resembled shelter. Years later, you are forced to fight an unknown with all you have to keep that safe haven.

Again, these questions just beg for sarcastic answers (we're a tough crowd here in Queryville).

And the "you" second person is hardly ever the most compelling choice. So far, I don't know anything about what YOUr book is about.


In both scenarios, you have two real options. You can either curl up and die, or you can do what you can to survive. And having the ability to manipulate part of nature won't help you either. If you choose to live as either person, it won't be easy alone. You're going to need at least one miracle. Like, say, meeting the other person.

I'd stop reading here. I don't have a clue what the book is about. You're awash in generalities.

Fredrick Brown and Kathena Sahaara are lucky enough to get that miracle. They meet and soon after join forces. For Kathena, it's a chance to start over with someone who has the magical power to not be afraid of her and the ignorance to take her on. For Fredrick, it's his only opportunity to begin to understand the world his father came from and meet someone from outside that understands.

This is the closest you've come to telling me about the book. Remember the formula: Who is the hero/heroine? What choice does s/he face? What are the consequences of that choice/not making the choice. That's what your first paragraph should cover.

At first, it seems that they have found the answers to their problems in each other, but that maniac who destroyed Kathena's home has decided that he is eventually going to finish the job and throw in her new friend as a bonus.

Maniacs are boring. They're one dimensional and irrational. If you want scary, tell us why the villain is making this choice (remember, the villain thinks HE'S the hero of the story)

Fredrick and Kathena will have a few years to prepare before the attack and both have a knack for holding onto life. However, they are matched against a man who has destroyed their kind for ages.


It's a long shot, but they just might make it.


The rest of the story is in my book, Red Moon. It's about 100,000 words long and falls into the category of urban fantasy. You can contact me by replying to this e-mail, calling me at (redacted), or sending snail mail to (redacted) Thank you for your time and consideration.


Just list your contact info under your name. It's good to include it. Leave out "the rest of the story" because it's pretty obvious that's where the rest of the story is.

This is a form rejection.

#124--Winner on the first try

Dear Query Shark,

Ford Kelly spends his days driving an ambulance and his nights driving the getaway car for his uncle the contract killer. But when his uncle dies mid-contract, Ford has two choices: also die, or convince his new employers he knows more about taking lives than saving them.

The contract? Snuff out a ring of dirty cops who demand hush money after stumbling across a new drug being prepared for the street. The problem? The last cop on the list is Ford's wife, who left him after the death of their son a year ago. That's when Ford discovers how good at killing he really is.

THE ONES WHO MADE ME is 75,000 words. It is my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(redacted)



oh yea. Yea, yea, yea.
We have a winner.

What I like: the juxtaposition of the jobs---ambulance, getaway car. I like seeing the stakes--killing his wife. I like the flawed hero--it looks like he kills his wife.

I'm ALL over this one.

#123-Revised-**WINNER**

REVISION
Dear Query Shark:

I am seeking representation for ABIDE WITH ME, a 57,000-word crime novel about friendship, community, football, hope, and biscuits. Oh, and gangsters.

I like the juxtaposition of crime novel and friendship. I'm always looking for that kind of weird pairing. I think it bodes well for a fun read.

John's out the nick after doing seven years for a bodged robbery. And childhood friend Kenny's out the nut house, ten years after bashing up the school bully with a dinner tray. Everything's looking rosy, until John finds out Kenny's got a job as bagman for local villain Ronnie Swordfish. John fears the worst. And he's right.

Kenny, the daft bastard, is handin' out money to all and fuckin' sundry, including John's Mum who's borrowed a large wedge from Ronnie to tide her over while John's inside. But where's Kenny gettin' the money from for this little Robin Hood act, if not from Ronnie Swordfish himself?

John knows Ronnie's got his eye on him, likes the look of him. And when Ronnie helped John out by blowin' up the bastard screw that was makin' his life inside a living hell, John knew he'd come callin'. But a paranoid psycho like Ronnie Swordfish don't trust easy. So what better test than get John to bring Kenny in? Two birds with one stone.

Right here, this sets up both the conflict and the stakes of the novel. If every query letter I got did that as neatly as this one did, I'd never stop requesting fulls.

Faced with handin' over his lifelong friend on a plate or watchin' his own mum and sister burn in their beds, like Ronnie promised, John ain't got a choice.


Thing is, John don't even know the fuckin' half of it.

And that's exactly why, in less than forty words, why I am eager to read the pages, and then the novel.


I have three published short stories to my name, all published by (redacted) in their collections (redacted).

what? "all published by in their collections" doesn't make sense.


I hereby enclose the first three chapters of my novel along with a synopsis, and an SAE for your convenience. Thank you very much for your consideration.


Sincerely,



oh hell yes, send this at once.


-----------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark:

I am seeking representation for ABIDE WITH ME, a 57,000-word Mainstream novel about friendship, community, football, hope, and biscuits. Oh, and gangsters.

Mainstream isn't capitalized. It's not a proper noun. Also, what you describe below isn't anywhere close to a mainstream novel. It's a crime novel.

John's out the nick after doing seven years for a bodged robbery. And childhood friend Kenny's out the nut house, ten years after bashing up the school bully with a dinner tray. Everything's looking rosy, until John finds out Kenny's got a job as Bagman for local villain Ronnie Swordfish. John fears the worst. And he's right.

Bagman isn't a proper noun either. Proper on this side of the pond means something other than what it means on your side. Here's what I mean.

Kenny, the daft bastard, is handin' out money to all and fuckin' sundry, including John's Mum who's borrowed a large wedge from Ronnie to tide her over while John's inside. But where's Kenny gettin' the money from for this little Robin Hood act, if not from Ronnie Swordfish himself?



John knows Ronnie's got his eye on him, likes the look of him. And when Ronnie helps him out by blowin' up the bastard screw that's makin' his life inside a living hell, John knew he'd come callin'. But a paranoid psycho like Ronnie Swordfish don't trust easy. So what better test than gettin' John to bring Kenny in? Two birds with one stone.

I'm a tad confused here. Ronnie helps John out by blowing up someone who making his life INSIDE a living hell? I thought John was out of jail?

Faced with handin' over his lifelong friend on a plate or watchin' his own mum and sister burn in their beds, like Ronnie promised, John ain't got a choice.


Thing is, John don't even know the fuckin' half of it.


I have three published short stories to my name, all published by in their collections.

I hereby enclose the first three chapters of my novel along with a synopsis, and an SAE for your convenience. Thank you very much for your consideration.


Sincerely,

This has voice and energy. Normally, it's exactly the kind of thing I'd jump all over. Trouble is, there's so much slang I'm not sure I actually understand it, and I can just hear editors saying "too Brit."



I like this though; I like it a lot. I would definitely read pages from this.

#122-Revised

Dear Query Shark,

'This too shall pass,' are the cruelest words in the English language, Petra Harrison thinks as she waits for the plane to take off.

With the death of her parents, she's been sent to Greenley's Academy, an exclusive boarding school a million miles away from her home in Smalltown, Idaho.

On the flight she makes a friend and catches the eye of handsome bad boy, Baird. She's begun to think boarding school might not be so bad when the plane crashes. The students are stranded on an island and as the days pass, without rescue, people begin to act less like spoiled rich kids and more like desperate survivors.

What does that mean? Are they becoming cannibals? Are they building rafts out of seat cushions? Are they trying to swim for Switzerland?

Baird thinks the flash of light that stalled the plane's engines was an electromagnetic pulse, the wave form of radiation from a high altitude nuclear explosion. As if that wasn't enough, they are in American territorial waters. Is the United States at War and with whom?

How do they know where they are if they crashed?


Scrabbling for food and water, with no rescue in sight, the survivors are forced to make desperate decisions. After the murder of the pilot, and a failed attempt at escape, the group splits as accusations and violence break out.



Petra sides with Baird, the geeks and other High School brainiacs. The Gems, an exclusive girl group and the High School President lead the rest of the survivors.

Can this be more stereotypical?

One of the most obvious things you've missed here is that in an emergency in real life, unlike television, many people rise above themselves. There's the example of the the Blitz in London. New York, and in fact all of the USA after 9/11. People rushed to HELP. Read any of the survivors of great disasters books and you'll see again and again that people did noble things, not selfish things.

Your book has to feel emotionally true for it to work.

The only thing certain now is that someone on the island has a deadly secret to keep and the world has changed.

This is actually a good line, and I'd bring it much farther UP in the query.

My edgy young adult novel, Surrounded by Blue,(book one in a proposed series of four) complete at 81,550 words, is a story of survival, mystery and geeky fanboys run amok.

Resist using adjectives to describe your own book.
fanboys? Where did that come from?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

The problem isn't your query letter; it's the book. Castaways on a desert island who fall into the same cliques I remember from sixth grade at Miss Heliotrope's School for Ill Mannered Ladies is not fresh and new. There's nothing here that turns our expectations on their ear. There's nothing that makes me wonder "what happens next."

Form rejection.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

I hate the show Lost. Perhaps hate is too strong a word, I despise Lost. I loved the first season. A disparate group of passengers trapped on a mysterious island with Mathew Fox sounds like my version of heaven. But, by the second season, the show's endless mysteries and bizarre secrets began to wear thin.

You better hope that whoever is reading this has a clue what Lost is. I don't.

My YA novel, Surrounded by Blue, complete at 81,550 words, is Lost with an ending.

Here's a brief synopsis;

Start here because you start your query with what YOUR BOOK is about.

'This too shall pass,' are the cruelest words in the English language Petra Harrison thinks as she waits for the plane to take off.

With the death of her parents, she's been sent to Greenley's Academy, an exclusive boarding school a million miles away from her home in Smalltown, Idaho.

On the flight she makes a friend and catches the eye of handsome bad boy, Baird. She's begun to think boarding school might not be so bad when the plane crashes. The students are stranded on an island and as the days pass without rescue, people begin to act less like spoiled rich kids and more like desperate survivors.

What was the mysterious flash of light that happened seconds before the engines stopped? Why won't anyone's satellite phone work and most pressing of all, who killed the pilot?

So basically you're taking the premise of a TV show that everyone except me knows about, and writing a different ending.

You might want to try for something a little less derivative.

Would you be interested in reading my book? Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


You've got a very basic stranded on a desert island story. There's no plot. There's no conflict. There's no antagonist.

This is a form rejection.

#121

Dear Query Shark,

April is an ordinary girl with an ordinary life; the sort who is thrilled just by being wife. Sure, she used to be a feminist and she still gets angry when men open doors for her but there is nothing about her that sets her apart.

You've just told us there's nothing interesting about a woman you propose I should spend a novel with. Don't do this. Start where the action starts.


Or there wasn’t, until January 9th, 2009 when she came home to realize she was in one of more than 50% of marriages that don’t work out. Sometime between discovering her husband’s sordid affair was the least of his secrets and the mob banging on her door, she realizes that sometimes The Last Day of Your Life (as you know it) is only the beginning of something much worse.



The Last Day of Your Life is a story of solace for anyone who thinks their relationship ended badly.

Don't tell me what the story is about, show me.

April had been married to Drew for seven years when she came home to find him naked in the shower with a woman who represented everything that made April never want to live anywhere near LA; which she didn't, but apparently blonds with big breasts and the IQ of lint were legally allowed to live elsewhere. (1) She scoffs it off, says “it’s over”, and moves on with her life. She doesn’t need anyone anyway. Or so she thinks. But when her husband and his big breasted bitty disappear, the mob drops a calling card with six casings, and a detective starts asking questions she doesn’t feel like answering honestly, she discovers she may need more than her charm and sarcasm if she wants to live through it all. Of course, it is her charm and sarcasm which seduces one of Portland's finest into pleading her case and finding evidence just her side of justice. (2) It also happens to be her quick wit and delightful pecan brownies which convince two very dedicated mob men that they might have been better off playing hockey. Chaos, indecision, and lots and lots of secrets make up a most devastating attempt at life anew. This is not your standard, woman gets divorced and moves on with life story; this is the story the woman has to survive to get to that story. And if she does, she will need years and years of therapy.


This huge block of text is unreadable. When you query, break your query up into three sentence chunks EVEN IF IT MEANS YOU BREAK A PARAGRAPH.

(1) This sentence is both run-on and pointless. I've stopped reading right here because I'm very afraid that if you do this here in the query, you're going to do it in the novel.

(2) If I had read on to see this Of course, it is her charm and sarcasm which seduces one of Portland's finest into pleading her case and finding evidence just her side of justice I would have stopped reading there too. This sentence doesn't make sense. I think I know sort of what you mean, but this kind of sloppy proof reading is death in a query letter.
The world of chic lit

It's NOT "chic lit," Just for starters, chic is French and pronounced "sheek." The phrase is chick lit.
has been desperately awaiting the arrival of such a dark and delectable piece of fiction.

Avoid these kind of Ronco pocket fisherman statements. Just talk about your book.

Paired with two friends, some mob guys, a sexy detective, and her own mind made up, April takes the reader on a journey which proves to be filled with everything from pistol whips to lumpy mascara. The reader is sucked into a world turned upside down and it is only when the earth settles to a gentle rate of spinning once again that they will be able to clearly see what has happened.

Pistol whips isn't a noun. It's a verb.

Well, I'd like to know what happens. This doesn't tell me anything.

The novel is just over 55,000 which makes it short enough to not be cost-prohibitive to most publishing companies. I would be glad to send you the completed manuscript upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

I cannot tell you how much I LOATHE hearing writers talk about short word count as some sort of added value (like the Ronco Pocket fisherman says "but wait, there's more!)

For starters, the actual cost of printing the book is probably the least expensive thing in the publication process. For second, it matters not a whit. The word count is what it is. If you pared out 20,000 words solely to save some publisher money, turn in your Smith Corona for a Smith and Wesson and just go shoot your career now.
Sincerely,



Sloppy proof reading, and lack of a clear description of the plot make this a form rejection.

#120-Revised Thrice *WIN*

Dear Query Shark,

Kate Menick makes problems go away. Kate is a project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm. She brokers assassinations, oppresses the working classes, breaks unions, and dabbles in securities.

Kate used to be a space pirate, until Killimall & Associates caught her embezzling from Bellicose Billy's Band of Buccaneers and purchased her immediately. She's good at her work and is not unhappy, although if her coworkers are company whores, Kate is locked into a mutually abusive long-term relationship with her job.

But that could change. In exchange for the opportunity to buy herself out, Kate agrees to take a fall. She'll screw over her own client, the Leprekaner People's Liberation Alliance, as it attempts to destroy the Fundamentalist Militia of the Trolls. The ensuing fiasco will allow her firm to disband its underperforming Earth practice group, and let Kate go for gross malpractice. Everyone wins--except the leprechauns.

And leprechauns are sore losers.

RINSE AND REPEAT, a work of speculative fiction, is complete at 61,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.


The heck with the critique. Send this to me at once!
(You will of course have applied everything you learned here in the tank to your manuscript, right? Of course you have)


The reason I requested this: it sounds fun. It sounds FUNNY. It sounds charming. The author has demonstrated tenacity and courage under fire. She did NOT throw in the towel muttering "damn shark doesn't know flotsam from jetsam."

Speculative fiction is not normally my thing but I just sold TWO count 'em TWO novels that could have been called speculative (of course I didn't, I called them commercial fiction) so I don't let category deter me from something yummy.
----------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Kate Menick makes problems go away. As a project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm, Kate's accounts include brokering assassinations, arms dealing, sentient trafficking, breaking unions, suppressing dissent, and the occasional securities fraud.

I hate it when people lead with dependent clauses. Dependent clauses are frail little things, they need to come after big strong sentences: Kate is the project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm; her job is brokering etc etc.

See the difference?

Kate's firm bought her off of a band of space pirates several years back after uncovering her massive (and very successful) embezzlement scheme--which is exactly the kind of initiative they look for in a new hire. While her coworkers consider themselves company whores, Kate finds herself engaged in a marginally abusive long-term transactional relationship.

Break the first sentence into two: scheme. That's exactly

But that could change. In exchange for the opportunity to buy herself out, Kate agrees to take a fall. She'll screw over her own client, the Leprekaner People's Liberation Alliance, in its bid to destroy the Fundamentalist Militia of the Trolls. If all goes according to plan, the ensuing fiasco will allow her firm to disband its underperforming Earth practice group and let Kate go on charges of gross malpractice. Everyone wins--except the leprechauns.


And leprechauns are sore losers.

RINSE AND REPEAT, a work of speculative fiction, is complete at 61,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

(redacted)

Wow. That's MUCH better.
The problem is you need another polish on this. Take out every single word you don't need (like of after off)

Don't lead with dependent clauses.
Say every phrase out loud for rhythm.

I think you're almost there.



--------------------

Dear Query Shark:

Kate came home from work to find the leprechaun's severed head bleeding all over her kitchen table. He'd stuck a post-it note stuck on the thing's forehead said: “Happy birthday, Sweetheart. --Spaceman Z.”

Leave off the "he'd" because we don't know who it refers to.

Kate Menick makes problems go away. As a project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm, Kate's accounts include brokering assassinations, arms dealing, sentient trafficking, breaking unions, suppressing dissent, and the occasional securities fraud. She bills everything to the client, though her intern seems incapable of maintaining a simple, up-to-date spreadsheet.

I like this paragraph better for the starting point.

I'm not sure why you have the clause about the intern. It doesn't fit well with what went before, and it makes Kate look like a nincompoop. If she's skilled in making problems go away, and her intern is a problem....well.... bye bye intern right?


Kate recently accepted a contract to resolve an ongoing property dispute between her client, the Leprekaner People's Liberation Alliance, and the Fundamentalist Militia of the Trolls. Specifically, the leprechauns would like Kate to acquisition the head of Oglethorpe, King of the Trollven Ones.

It's too bad this is so clunky with all the names, because the individual pieces are darn funny. If "Fundamentalist Militia of Trolls" doesn't end up on a t-shirt somewhere, I'll eat my chapeau. The problem here is that the pieces don't add up to a good paragraph. You need to smooth it out. One way to do that is to say more. You've got some room here. Use it.

In response, Too bad for Kate, the Trolls retained Spaceman Z, Kate's former colleague (and ex-boyfriend), to assure that their interests are adequately represented—and crush the Leprechaun Resistance once and for all.



RINSE AND REPEAT, a work of speculative fiction, is complete at 61,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


It's clear you've got the makings of what should be a darn funny book. You've given us the set up, but what happens if Kate fails? Does she want Spaceman Z back? Will the leprechauns bleach her blue? We need sense of the stakes. Humor gets my attention, but it won't get you a request if I can't see what the novel is about.

I can count on one cloven hoof the number of times I've asked people to write a longer query letter and this is it.

Form letter rejection, but with niggling feelings that I might have made a mistake.
----------------------------------------------

Dear Query Shark,

I came home from work to find the leprechaun's severed head bleeding all over my kitchen table. He'd stuck a post-it note on the thing's forehead: "Happy birthday, Sweetheart. --Spaceman Z."

It's been a bad week. I screwed up again.

After setting my house and half the neighborhood on fire (precautions, yeah?), I call Alice. She's canny enough to ignore me, though I know she's there.

Shit.

RINSE AND REPEAT is complete at just over 61,000 words. I would be happy to provide a partial or complete manuscript for further review.

Thank you for your consideration,



Fond as I am of brief and to-the-point queries (and I am) this one errs on the side of naked. You're also writing in the first person voice of your character and generally that's not the best choice. Sometimes it works, yes, and I've had those queries posted here, but this doesn't because you've left us too little to go on.

You need to give me enough to entice me to read on. This doesn't. Form rejection.

#119-revised Six times

Dear Query Shark:

Dominique Hillmen thought her problems were over when she collected a multi-million dollar reward for capturing one of America’s most wanted. Instead her family falls apart, her fiancé dumps her and she loses the anonymity she was promised when she blew the killer’s cover.

This is so much better than the first versions it's amazing.


When Dominique’s ex-husband is burned to death in a house fire she believes her last enemy is finally gone. So why does she suddenly feel like she’s fighting for her life? After surviving yet another “accident” Dominique faces one hard fact: someone is trying to kill her. And that someone knows just where she is vulnerable, through her children, and they are not afraid to use them to get to her.

We know that the killer is afraid to use her kids from the first part of the sentence.

She knows of only one person willing to take revenge this far: the man she helped nab, now rotting away in jail. He’d hired a hitman to do his dirty work before- a killer who had never been caught. Since Dominique anonymously tipped off authorities very few people should know her true identity; but no one can explain how she is obviously was exposed. Dominique realizes the wealthy life she always wanted isn’t enough to keep her from looking over her shoulder.


Then Dominique’s best friend is killed in a crash she is sure was meant for her. Dominique must find out whom the killer is using and how he is getting so close to succeeding. The truth turns out to be more shocking and more disturbing than she ever imagined, because her worst nightmare is the man she always invites into her home.

In Sight is a complete mystery at 72,000 words. Full or partial portions of the manuscript are available upon request. Thanks in advance for your time.

Wow.
Just wow.

It needs some polishing but it's SO much better I feel like hoisting a glass and toasting all your hard work. You really really made a breakthrough here.



I think this might be the most dramatic query turn around I've ever seen.



Good job.


---------------------
Dear Query Shark:

Dominique O' Shea Hillmen should be relieved to find out her ex-husband is dead. After a long and seedy (seedy is the wrong word here; it describes appearance not action) battle with him for the love of their children, she can finally lay down her weapons. But the war is far from over; her ex proves to be as much trouble dead as he was alive.

With ex-husband no longer setting off fireworks, Dominique sees how much damage their obsession has caused. Where does she begin to help her only son who somehow became involved in a deadly robbery? Or reach her oldest daughter, who despite her best efforts as a mother, became the victim of a sexual predator? Dominique's only comfort is her relationship with her youngest daughter, an imperfect bond that still manages to conceal a hideous secret. But uncovering the truth won't be easy, especially now that a notorious murderer she helped convict has found a way to use her own children against her. (here's where you put the part from the last paragraph, polished up of course to fit.) In Sight is a 72,000 word inspirational mystery.

I am a featured columnist for an online newsletter and write content and design websites for local businesses and non-profits. Thank you in advance for your time.






P.S. - Ms. Reid, there is almost no way I can clear up the link between the children and the murderer without giving away the whole plot!!!! I appreciate your patience but part of my struggle is making sure the tone of the query matches the tone of the book. Much of the mystery is tied into her children being pawns, first by their father, then by the murderer out to get revenge on Dominique. I greatly appreciate your critiques and have grown so much. Here's to your continued success!


Can I slap you upside the head? This one paragraph is better than almost everything you've sent.
This happens a lot, by the way. The italic part is the basis for your query.

You are going to win an award for perseverance! I'm really proud of you, and I hope you won't give up yet. One more time, ok?
---------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

I am seeking representation for my novel, In Sight, a 65,000 word inspirational mystery.

Dominique O' Shea Hillmen should be relieved to find out her ex-husband is dead. After a long and seedy battle with him for the love of their children, she can finally lay down her weapons. But the war is far from over; her ex proves to be as much trouble dead as he was alive.

This is a really good paragraph.

With the dust settling on the battlefield of their shattered lives,
This is telling not showing, and it's a hyperbolic.

Dominique can see sees how much damage their obsession has caused. Where does she begin to help her only son who somehow became involved in a deadly robbery? Or reach her oldest daughter, who despite her best efforts as a mother, became the victim of a sexual predator? Dominique's only comfort is her relation-ship (relationship is one word, not hyphenated) with her youngest daughter, an imperfect bond that still manages to conceal a hideous secret. Forced out of her blind optimism, Dominique must finally deal with the danger that has taken root in her family, and with a notorious murderer from her past fast on her heels, s She better make it quick, before she loses everything, including her life.

Ok, the problem here is that it's all set up for what I think is the plot: the murderer from her past. Dominique has to repair her family or what? I still don't get the connection between the notorious murderer from her past and the description of the family.


I am a featured columnist for an online newsletter, (redacted) and write content and design websites for local businesses and non-profits. Thank you in advance for your time.

This is getting better but it's not there yet.I admire your tenacity a lot.

---------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

What would you do to protect your child? What if the person you had to protect them from was a member of the family?

Don't open a query with a rhetorical question.

Dominique O'Shea Hillmen divorced her husband years ago. Knowing that he hadn't let her go and would never quit until he either got her back or ruined her life didn't bother her. In fact, she dismissed him altogether, until she realized how carefully he had planted seeds of hate in their children.


No sooner does she learn the cost of ignoring him when Keon, Dominique's ex husband, is found dead. On the day of the funeral Dominique meets her former brother in-law, Trammel, for the first time.


Just like his brother, Trammel turns out to be only too happy to rub Dominique's face in her failures. Pointing the finger of blame at her for her shady past, her abusive marriage and the current problems with her children, he challenges Dominique to remain the calm, evolved person she desperately wants to be.



But being calm won't be easy, especially when Dominique learns that (HERE IS WHERE YOU FINALLY GET TO THE PROBLEM) her youngest daughter is hiding a hideous secret. On a head-to-head collision course with an enemy (WHO?) who is not afraid to destroy her children (HOW?) because they know it is the only way to destroy her, Dominique must face her two most dangerous foes: a notorious murderer who is closer than she ever imagined and her own self-destructive thinking. (or WHAT?)

Let's review the recipe for a good query:

Who is the main character?
What happens to her-what's her immediate problem?
What choice does s/he face?
What terrible thing will happen because of that choice?

In Sight is an inspirational novel at 228 pages and almost 65,000 words



Thank you in advance for your time. I look forward to your response.



To Your Continued Success,

Start over. Cut everything I've stricken. Be concise.


-------------------------------

Dear Query Shark:


Dominique O'Shea Hillmen is a single mother with one goal: she must get over her fiancée. Following an author's advice to put down the cocktails and dive into her pain, Dominique finds herself sober in more ways than one. What she sees with some reflection is everything she hates: desperation, neediness and whew!– a big steaming hunk of arrogance.


No sooner does she realize this when Dominique learns that her ex-husband has been found dead. On the day of the funeral her former brother-in-law, Trammel, shows up to introduce himself. Like real family, Trammel turns out to be only too happy to rub Dominique's face in her failures.


Pointing the finger of blame at her shady past, her abusive marriage and the current problems with her children, Trammel challenges Dominique to use her anger to inspire her growth instead of continuing to stunt it.


One tragedy after another soon derails Dominique's life. She is attacked on the street and one of her pets is brutally killed. Her friend is fatally injured in her car. And her youngest child, her own daughter, is hiding a hideous relationship.

This is an odd assortment of tragedies. Focus on the one you're really writing about: her youngest child.

To top it all off, the secret to Dominique's current financial success is one courageous act that exposed a multi-million dollar scam and led to the capture of a deadly, wealthy fugitive. That fugitive now faces the death penalty, and those involved in the scam are still picking up the pieces of their shattered lives.

Right here is where this query slips into full scale mess. It's time to start over. What's the problem Dominique faces? (pick ONE) Who's the antagonist (pick ONE). What choices must Dominique make? What are the stakes involved in those choices? FOCUS.


On a head-to-head collision course with an enemy who is not afraid to use even her children to destroy her, Dominique must face her two most dangerous foes: a notorious murderer who is closer than she eve imagined and her own self-destructive thinking.



Several years ago I learned that both of my daughters had been molested. Because I was also molested as a child, and vowed to never allow it to happen to my children, I set out to learn why this seems to plague certain families. The latest research on this issue confirmed that mental illness in children is a major contributing factor.



There are over twenty million sex and love addicts in this country, many of whom were molested as children. There are also millions of children being molested each year. Our lack of resolve to respond to these issues both in terms of prevention and after the fact, is responsible for the dramatic increase in addiction and molestation.



My hope is that In Sight will give people, especially parents, a look at the reality too many children face. The most successful country in history must find a way to inspire in our culture a love and respect for family in general and personal responsibility specifically.

You're querying me about a novel, not an advocacy article. Focus on the STORY. If the story is compelling, you'll make your point. If you SHOW me rather than TELL me, you'll be persuasive. If you just tell me all this stuff, I won't even listen.


I have over ten years of marketing/sales experience and have personally researched the medical information in this book. On several occasions I have been tapped to speak before thousands of people about how faith in God has shaped my life. In Sight is an inspirational novel similar to The Shack or The Alchemist. Coming in at 228 pages and almost 65,000 words, In Sight shares the same theme as those new-age classics: that with love and faith God can turn any situation into a victory.





Thank you in advance for your time. I look forward to your response.



Continued Success, Thank you for your time and consideration

This query is a mess right now, but it's a better mess than the original version. When you care passionately about something as you clearly do, it's hard to channel that passion into telling a story. If you're querying me for a novel, I don't care about your issues, and hyperbole is a turn off. I DO care about a good story, and if you tell that story well enough, I will care about your issue.

Form rejection.
------------------------------

Dear Query Shark:



With thousands of queries crossing your desks each month I know you're wondering, Is this one going to be worth it?

Never start with something this hideously negative. Assume I do want to read it. Now tell me about the book.


I won't tell you to consider my work because it's brilliant and I'm irresistible (although I would hope so ☺).
Never put emoticons in a query. NEVER. For starters this is a business letter. Second, this emoticon looks like !*&&# (literally) on my screen because I work on a Mac and you don't.


I wouldn't even say my novel is ambitious. It only touches on the meaning of life, grapples with the root cause and ultimate cure for addiction and mental illness, and attempts to answer the age-old question: Why do good people have the worst luck in relationships?

I've stopped reading right here. I know you mean to be lighthearted and perhaps whimsical but I don't give a rat's patootie for that at 3am when I'm reading this. The only thing I want to know is: what is your book about?


My little novel, In Sight, is about Dominique O'Shea Hillmen, a quirky, spunky single mother of three. We open to find our heroine down on the ropes: her fiancé has bailed, her ex-husband is found dead and two of her children have been locked away in institutions.

I'm not sure I'd be able to think of someone as quirky or spunky in the same sentence as "two of her children have been locked away in institutions."

You have a very jarring mixture of tone here.

Following an author's advice to put down the cocktails and dive into her pain, Dominique begins a journey that brings her to one startling self-revelation after another, a host of insights that challenge her to see all of life from a completely new perspective. Never far from danger, or far from the ghosts of lives she has ruined, Dominique soon finds herself the target of an enemy who is not afraid to use her children or to destroy her by any means necessary. Learning to pick and choose her battles, Dominique realizes her beliefs have been her greatest nemesis, greater even than the notorious murderer who is closer than she ever imagined.

This doesn't give us any idea of what happens, or what the problem is. Be specific. Short sentences. Build the bones of the query, then add only what you need to convey clear and precise meaning.



In Sight is a modern hybrid, a mix of spiritual/literary/mystery/romance like The Shack or The Alchemist. Coming in at 228 pages and almost 65,000 words,
Never ever ever have four categories. Pick one. It doesn't have to be right; you won't be the one deciding the category anyway. Just call it fiction, or a novel.


In Sight is difficult to categorize but shares the same theme as those new-age classics: that we are our own happy ending.

I guess the notorious murderer gets locked away and the kids come home then.



My name is (redacted) and as a mother of five, ranging in age from 16 months to 20 years, I can promise you anyone actively involved in a child's life these days better be able to deal with the horrific, the gross, the dangerous, and outrageous, without batting an eye. I started out writing about the state of our children, the epidemic of molestation and wide spread mental illness, and eventually uncovered the latest research which suggest the usual causes of these issues is also the cure. Oh, I know, fun stuff-right? But In Sight is all about hope and healing, the drug of choice for us die-hard optimists. I look forward to your response and hope this letter sparks your interest.

Don't ever say "my name is." This is business letter. You'll put your name at the bottom of the letter above your contact info.

All the other personal information is absolutely irrelevant to whether this is a novel I want to read. Talk about the book.

Thank you for your time.

I don't have any clue what the story is here. Form rejection.

#118-Revised

Dear Query Shark,

Safe inside the rind of Orange County, parents pay a premium to shelter their kids. If those kids lie well enough, they might even convince their parents the money paid off.

Four best friends lie artfully. They keep up with grades, church, and sports teams, all while inhaling every puff of smoke, pill, and bottle their manicured hands can grab. But the delicate line between good girl and bad begins to erode when take hold of the hottest new drug to hit their high school: crystal meth.

For two of the girls, meth is manna from heaven. It makes cocky, witty Lindsey more sure and more funny (or so she thinks). For Charity, it eradicates the self doubt, the weight consciousness, even pushes away the clouds of depression and suicidal whispers. In just two weeks, Lindsey and Charity are hooked. They cover their dilated eyes with sunglasses and explain away the weight loss; but their arrogant, careless attitudes are hard to miss. Now Charity’s mom is threatening Catholic boarding school, Lindsey could get kicked off her all-star softball team for showing up hung-over, and their juiced-up egos have their best friends, Macey and Allison, needing some space. For a wallflower like Macey, who hasn’t made a friend outside the girls in eight years, a summer without Lindsey and Charity is gloomy enough. Then Allison’s boyfriend breaks off the relationship and she crawls back to Lindsey, Charity, and their dirty little crystals for comfort. Loneliness may be Macey’s worst fear, but if she follows the girls deeper into the gritty drug world, it could cost her more than friendship.

COUNTY OF GLITTER AND GLASS is a Young Adult novel that depicts realistic, suburban, teenage life, with all the drugs, sex, and lies that leave parents reaching for the Pepcid. The journey at the heart of the novel ultimately belongs to Macey, as her need for friendship and independence conflict for the first time. The novel’s third-person narration, which alternates focus with each chapter, reveals how this conflict develops, or fails to, inside each of the four, very different heroines. With its intense friendships set inside a drug underworld, the novel is best described as Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants meets Go Ask Alice. Its subject matter and language suit it for the 15+ age group, with a strong secondary audience in the parents and teachers of teens. It this is all telling, not showing is complete at 110,000 words and ready for your review.

Thank you for your consideration,

Focus on Macey.
What choice does Macey have to make?
What will happen if she chooses the wrong thing?

It's too long. YA novels need to be somewhere nearer 70,000 words.

This is MUCH better than the first draft.
I like the title.





-----------------------

ORIGINAL


Dear Query Shark,

Macey Fry isn’t prude, she just gags at the smell of cigarettes and puts Post-Its over the nudes in her Louvre book. Her three best friends, however, stow Malboros in their air-conditioning vents and hide condoms in their teddy bears. Still, the four are inseparable; until Crystal Meth.

Post-it notes over art photos is textbook prude, by the way.
Crystal Meth isn't a person, or a proper name so it's not capitalized.

On the last day of Sophomore year, Macey is feeling bold. She’s sixteen now, after all, and she’s wasting her youth being scared all the time. She nervously gulps down two cocktails at an end of school party and winds up asleep before midnight. Macey’s three best friends are feeling bold, too, as the party ends. But Allison, Charity, and Lindsey are bored with cocktails. They’re ready to try the next big thing in teenage entertainment and Charity’s boyfriend has it in that dirty clump of crystals stuffed deep into his pocket.

This sounds nothing like any young person I know. It sounds like a disapproving adult: "wasting her youth" The thing about kids is they don't know they are wasting their youth. "teenage entertainment" is another phrase I'd fall over dead if I heard a kid say.

After just a few long nights with Crystal Meth, Charity and Lindsey are hooked. Macey will never be bold enough to try it and Allison is more interested in her new boyfriend than the new drug. For the first time in eight years, the group is split.



When a police raid on a meth party freezes the local trade, Macey and Allison think they’ve seen the end of their friends’ addictions. But Lindsey and Charity find another source: a dealer whose house is crowded with criminal men and shifty secrets.

Macey thinks her friends will stop being addicted because the supply dries up? I'm less enamored of this character with every passing paragraph.



Soon, Allison’s boyfriend ends their relationship and Allison turns to Lindsey, Charity, and their crystalline comfort, leaving Macey in solitude. Macey must decide which is more dangerous: wallowing in loneliness, or braving the hazardous drug world for the company of her best friends.

And where are her parents in all this? Surely she has a choice other than wallowing in loneliness or hanging out with meth addicts. She sounds spineless and weak here. That's NOT someone I want to spend 200 pages (let alone 140,000 words--ack!) with.

GLITTER AND DECAY is literary fiction, complete at 140,000 words. I describe it as Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants meets Go Ask Alice. I am an unpublished author hoping this novel will be my debut work. I have never been a meth addict, but I have pooled the knowledge and experience of several women who have to create this story. TMI

140,000 words is not only too long for a YA novel, it's also too long for an adult novel. Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants is a middle grade novel. I have no idea what Go Ask Alice is called but I read it in high school.

Thank you in advance for your time and attention. I am an avid reader of both your blogs and grateful for your every helpful word.

Focus on Macey. This is her story.

Right now I just want to smack every character and send them to convent school. Your job as a writer is to make me care about the protagonist even if I do want to smack her upside the head. You haven't done that here.

Form rejection.

#117-Revised Twice, and yes we have a winner!

Dear Query Shark,

While Josie Moore hasn’t exactly made peace with her decision to give up her baby boy, she has learned to accept it. She lives her life as if on hold, impatient for the day her son Austin turns eighteen and she is finally allowed to contact him.

When she spots Austin’s adoptive father in the grocery store, she is overjoyed. Now divorced, Mike has recently moved to town and is raising Austin alone. Totally out of the blue, the unexpected sighting provides her with a much needed opportunity. After careful deliberation, Mike allows Josie and Austin to meet.

Eleven year old Austin is eager to get to know Josie, and they develop an easy and comfortable relationship. Mike struggles with placing limits on their time together, and is torn as Austin gradually grows closer to Josie. Often at odds, Mike and Josie try their best to get along for Austin’s sake.

Austin ignores their sometimes hostile attitudes towards each other, and begins to picture the three of them as a family. Unfortunately, he has no idea how to go about making this happen. By the time he starts working on it, both Josie and Mike have started dating other people.

Things get more complicated when Austin’s adoptive mom, Georgia, reenters the picture. She essentially abandoned Austin years before, and is now looking to repair their broken relationship. Mike and Josie join together in helping Austin deal with his conflicted feelings about Georgia.

Mike and Josie don’t see eye to eye on many things, but are united in their concern for Austin. In their efforts to protect him, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

A work of women’s fiction, SOMETHING GOOD is complete at 75,000 words. Thanks for your time and consideration.


Holy Helvetica, you did it! Frankly I was copyediting my snarl for "you can't redo a query letter this fast and get it right" and boy oh boy was I wrong. This is ready to go out into the world.

VERY nice work!!! Congratulations!!
-----------------
FIRST REVISION

Dear Query Shark,

While Josie Moore has not exactly made peace with her decision to give up her baby boy, she has learned to accept it. Finished with college, but without a boyfriend or job, she was convinced it was her only choice. What she can’t accept is Mike and Georgia Cameron’s divorce. After choosing them so carefully, she is stunned to discover they divorced shortly after the adoption. She is also angry that they ignored their agreement to send updates and pictures, but she is legally unable to do anything about it.


Eleven years later, Josie is divorced and alone. She keeps mostly to herself, save the occasional lunches and dinners with her colleague and friend, Howard. She places her life on hold, impatient for the day Austin turns eighteen and she can try to find him.

Well, she does know where he is right? She has his parents' name. What you mean is contact him, not find him, right?

When she spots Mike Cameron in the grocery store one day, she is overjoyed. Totally out of the blue, the unexpected sighting provides her with a much needed opportunity. Figuring Mike owes her something, Josie pleads her case, terrified of messing up her one chance. He isn’t exactly thrilled to see her, or to reveal how Georgia re-married and had a baby, essentially abandoning Austin.

The problem here is that this is all set up for the actual story (at least I hope it is). The story starts when Josie sees Mike in the grocery store. Pare down the first three paragraphs and get to the PLOT: what happens when everyone is interacting.

Having recently moved to town, he is raising Austin alone. After careful consideration, he allows Josie and Austin to meet. Josie and Austin develop an easy and comfortable relationship, while she does her best not to alienate the easily irritated and often prickly Mike.


Things get more complicated when Georgia reenters the picture. Mike and Josie don’t see eye to eye on many things, but are united in their concern for Austin. In their efforts to protect him, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

This is the part where it gets interesting. Focus here.

A work of Women’s Fiction, SOMETHING GOOD is complete at 75,000 words. Thanks for your time and consideration.

women's fiction isn't capitalized. I'm seeing all these random capitalizations lately; it's making me cranky.

My guess is that the query letter reflects the biggest problem with the novel: too much backstory. I'll lay you ten to one that the real story starts somewhere around page 40, chapter four when the grocery store scene is.

That's the start of the story. All the windup and back story can come in later. We don't need to know all that stuff to start with. Josie sees Mike; consternation ensues.


Better but not there yet.

----------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

I would like you to consider SOMETHING GOOD, a work of women's fiction complete at 75,000 words.

Start with the story.

Divorced, childless and edging toward cynical, Josie Moore is doing the best she can. She lives with the colossal regret that she didn't choose wisely when she gave up her precious newborn son to the outwardly perfect Mike and Georgia Cameron. The discovery that they divorced a mere three years later leaves her frustrated and angry, but unable to do anything about it.

Ok, so she ISN'T exactly childless is she? Why did Josie give her son up? Was she a surrogate? Was she alone and afraid? A very quick couple of words to give us a sense of why she did this will connect us to her emotionally. You don't have much emotion here, and so the query feels flat. That's not good, particularly when you're dealing with a VERY emotionally charged concept here.




An out of the blue sighting at the grocery store and she may have the chance to reconnect with her son, Austin, years before she hoped or even imagined. He and his dad have moved to town, and after Josie confronts Mike, he reluctantly agrees to give her a chance to meet him. Depending on Austin's reaction, he may even allow her some small role in his life.

This is passive voice: "an out of the blue sighting at the grocery store". Short declarative sentences: Josie sees her son one day at the grocery story. It's totally unexpected, out of the blue. He and his dad etc.

Why does she confront him? He didn't steal the boy. He adopted him, right? You're missing the obvious here: Josie is this child's biological parent and suddenly here is a chance to be part of his life. Make us feel her elation, her hope, her fear. I'm not talking about huge run on sentences; more like six well chosen adjectives.



Trying her best not to alienate the easily irritated and often prickly Mike, Josie develops an easy and comfortable relationship with Austin. Having her around turns out to be a surprisingly good thing for them when the long absent Georgia re-enters the picture. Having all but abandoned Austin after the divorce, she returns, hoping to fix their badly damaged relationship.

Give your paragraph some chiropractic adjustment: subject, verb, clause. Josie develops an easy and comfortable relationship with Austin while she tries her best not to alienate etc. See the difference?

Now, who is the them in the badly damaged relationship? Austin? Mike? And you really don't need much more than "things get much more complicated when Georgia reenters the picture." We can intuit the chaos that ensues.


Mike and Josie don't see eye to eye on many things, but are in complete agreement in their love and concern for Austin. In their somewhat clumsy attempts to keep him protected and happy, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

Put these sentences in subject, verb, clause form. In short form queries it's very important to keep your structure as simple as possible. And frankly with the amount of sentence polarity (I made that up in case you're wondering if you missed something in grammar class) here in this letter, I'm VERY afraid I'm going to see a lot of it in the manuscript. That is NOT a good thing.

The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your time and consideration.

Put the title and word count down here.

You have a very good concept here. It's the writing that makes me shiver. I think you need a good brutal critique group that will help you see some of the convoluted writing I see here.

I'd probably read a couple pages hoping for the best, but then if they were good, I'd read near the middle of the book too, just to avoid the dreaded "workshopped to hell first chapter syndrome." WTHFCS is what we call a novel with a perfect first chapter followed closely by a splat of epic proportions. I actually have a category for this on my query data base "what the hell was I thinking."

I'd read on but you've got a VERY narrow window here. Before you query, I'd make sure that book has had some brutal (and I mean BRUTAL) beta readers.

#116-Revised

Dear QueryShark:

Mavis McCreedy has decided to end it all. Her 102nd birthday party is just two weeks away, and she’s determined not to attend. She's just plain fed-up! This relentlessly tedious celebration of mediocrity, called 'life', has toyed with her long enough.

In the critique of the original I said we didn't get much sense of why Mavis wanted to end it all, given she's clearly got all her marbles and a functioning body. "Relentlessly tedious celebration of mediocrity called life" sounds like something you'd hear at a cocktail party of twenty-somethings trying to be blase. Dig deeper. It's the gist of your novel. She can't just want to kill herself cause you need a set up for the novel.

So, instead of helping her incredibly irritating niece plan the big bash at the nursing home, (where she’s been imprisoned for the last twenty years), she embarks on a series of hilariously ineffective suicide attempts.



She tries the usual, at first. You know, she throws herself in front of a bus, down an escalator, and she attempts asphyxiation by an enormous un-chewed rasher of bacon—all without success. Each day brings another unwanted series of heartbeats, and another scheme for Mavis to do herself in. Eventually, in desperation, she even accepts the offer of her eighty-nine year old best friend, Stan. He tries to help out by jacking a Viagra “weekender pill” off his son’s boyfriend. Try as Stan might, (and he does…oh, he does), even that doesn’t work! As the big day approaches, poor Mavis finds herself still very much alive, and profoundly pissed-off.



Is it just an annoying run of good luck? Or, has Providence decided that Mavis must finish her life’s lesson plan before checking-out?



The title of this book is “Mercy”. Thank you for your time in considering this submission.

Word count?

Same response as below: I'd probably read pages if you included them, and a LOT would depend if you caught me on a good day or not. You'd have no way of knowing if you did, so a smart query strategy would be plan to query WIDELY.

This just doesn't grab me cause I don't believe someone who is in good health at 102 would try to kill themselves. The older you get, the more precious life becomes in my experience. And I only look 102, I'm not actually there yet.

---------------------------------
ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark,


Mavis McCreedy has decided to end it all. Her 102nd birthday party is just two weeks away, and she’s determined not to attend. Instead of helping her incredibly irritating niece plan the big bash at the nursing home, (where she’s been imprisoned for the last twenty years), she embarks on a series of hilariously ineffective suicide attempts.

I'm going to assume this is a mordant comedy akin to Harold and Maude. What we're missing here is a sense of Mavis. Why does she want to end it all? If she's well enough, and astute enough for the antics of paragraph two why has she got the hots for St. Peter?

She tries the usual, at first. You know, she throws herself in front of a bus, down an escalator, and she attempts asphyxiation by an enormous un-chewed rasher of bacon—all without success. Each day brings another unwanted series of heartbeats, and another scheme for Mavis to do herself in. Eventually, in desperation, she even accepts the offer of her eighty-nine year old best friend, Stan. He tries to help out by jacking a Viagra “weekender pill” off his son’s boyfriend. Try as Stan might, (and he does…oh, he does), even that doesn’t work! As the big day approaches, poor Mavis finds herself still very much alive, and profoundly pissed-off.


Is it just an annoying run of good luck? Or, has Providence decided that Mavis must finish her life’s lesson plan before checking-out?


The title of this book is “Mercy”. If you are interested, please email me, or phone at (redacted) Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks,


This is a pretty good query letter except that I don't have any sense of why I want to spend an entire book reading about someone trying to kill herself. And I don't have much sense of Mavis either.


A lot would depend on how backlogged I was when I got the query. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, this is a pass cause it's not just reaching out and grabbing me.


This is one of those where I'd read the pages if you were smart and followed the directions to send them but I'm not sure I'd request pages if you hadn't.

This is a textbook example of a query that could go either way and EXACTLY why you query a lot of agents. Hit me on the wrong day it's pass, for someone else it's a read.