#90-Revised

Dear Query Shark:

I see that you represent mystery/crime genre authors and I thought that you might be interested in my novel AN INCONVENIENT WITNESS.

In my novel, Owen Johnson is enjoying a glorious day, until he witnesses the murder of one of his clients. The killers get a good look at him and a car chase ensues. Owen manages to elude the killers this time.

Owen is convinced that the killers are after him, even though all his friends and co-workers assure him that the killers are scum and the cops should get them soon. Should Owen run for the hills and hide, or conduct business as usual? It's a tough question where the wrong answer could land Owen in the morgue.

There's a shorthand acronym for protagonists who behave like this: TSTL. It stands for Too Stupid To Live. One of the requirements I have as a reader is that characters don't behave in ways that will get them nominated for Darwin Awards.

Some guy wants to kill you and you're wandering around wondering if you should hide?

To quote my favorite theologian: "d'oh"

Owen works for an insurance company in Columbia, South Carolina where his sales are booming. He employs his good ole boy network to help him hide from the killers and get ready should he meet them face-to-face a second time.

"Hi Mr. Peterson, I'm your life insurance salesman. There are killers after me, can I hide at your house?"

What you're missing here is any kind of compelling reason for your characters to behave this way. WHY would he not leave town? Hasn't he got a cell phone and a BlackBerry? Why does he need to stay any where near where people are TRYING TO KILL HIM.

While his professional life is a success, his personal life is a mess. It doesn't help that his kinky wife is having a torrid affair, his sales assistant wants to jump his bones, and the killers possibly lurk around every corner in town.

His sales assistant wants to jump his bones? Why?
His kinky wife is having an affair? Too bad it's not with the killers, she'd have a two for the price of one sin fest going on.

I picked Columbia as the setting because I worked there as an insurance agent for over fifteen years, and if offers potential conflicts between the Yankees, like Owen and the native South
Carolinians.

None of which is shown in this query letter. You're telling me a lot, and showing nothing. Show not tell is a common critique on early novels. Like, why his client got killed for starters, and why the killers would stick around to knock off Owen instead of heading for Hawaii with all their hard earned killer reward.

I understand that writers can play a big part in the marketing effort for their novel. There are sixteen cities (e.g. St. Louis, Chicago, Cleveland, and Atlanta) within a day's drive of my house. I can drive to each of these cities to promote my novel. I intend to knock this one out of the ballpark.

Hurray for good intentions, but unless you have some specifics here other than enthusiasm, it's not persuasive.

Form rejection.

(you didn't do anything I suggested below did you?)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark:

I read on Publishers Marketplace web site that you have made some nice deals for debut authors in the mystery/crime genre. I thought that you might be interested in my novel AN INCONVENIENT WITNESS.

Witnessing a murder can ruin your day. Then when the killers get a good look at you and chase you down the interstate for forty miles, I know that I'd be a nervous wreck.


In my novel, this is Owen Johnson's problem. Owen knows more about the victim's past than he lets on. He suspects that the victim's slightly shady past may have just caught up with him.

Owen is a professional mess but a personal success working for an insurance company in Columbia, South Carolina. After witnessing the murder, Owen plays a tricky game of hide and seek with the killers. Along the way, Owen enlists the help of a few friends whose quirks and eccentricities would rival the group of characters Harlan Coben has developed for his character, Myron Bolter.

If you're going to compare your work to a bestselling author, you really must spell the names correctly.

I picked Columbia, South Carolina as the setting because I worked there for over fifteen years and it offers an interesting dynamic between the Yankees, like Owen, and the native South Carolinians.

"interesting dynamic" is so general a phrase as to be meaningless.

I understand that writers can play a big part in the marketing effort for their novel. There are sixteen cities within a day's drive of my house. I can drive to each of these cities to promote my novel. I intend to knock this one out of the ballpark.

well, that's nice but your intentions will be more persuasive if they are accompanied by some specifics.

There's not enough in this query letter to get an idea of what the book is about other than an insurance executive trying to elude killers.

You might want to practice by writing a query letter for a book that's not your own, or a movie you like. Consider Midnight Run, the movie with Charles Grodin and Robert DeNiro. If we use the pattern you've established in this query letter you'd have written: Charles Grodin is a bookkeeper playing hide and seek with a bounty hunter. Some interesting characters help him. If you know the movie (and if you don't, rent it, it's terrific!) you'll know you're missing some key parts, and the parts that make the movie good. You're missing those parts in this query letter too.

Form rejection.

#89

Dear Query Shark,

In her youthful naivety, Ghuri, destroys her reputation by having an affair with a married man. She is on her way to becoming the worst sort of Indian woman, disgraced and penniless, when a naked man showed up on her doorstep. The man has been robbed and left for dead, he knocks on a dozen doors, but no one will help him because he is so shamefully, naked and seems drunk.

This is pretty clunky writing. Contrast "The man has been robbed and left for dead, he knocks on a dozen doors, but no one will help him because he is so shamefully, naked and seems drunk." with

"The man had been robbed and left for dead. He knocked on a dozen doors but no one would help him because he seemed to be drunk, and was shamefully naked"

Clunky writing in a query is always a bad sign. Even if I like the concept, I'm never enthusiastic about something that will clearly have to be heavily edited.

Only Ghuri opens her door to the stranger. She treats the man with as much respect and kindness as she would give a king. She nurses him back to health and later he returns, not as a king, but the Sultan.

Aren't a king and a sultan the same high-born, powerful kind of guys?

As a reward, the Sultan Abdul Rahim marries Ghuri and she becomes one of his 300 wives. The fairytale might have had a happy ending if it ended there, but Ghuri‘s story is just beginning.

Well, if this is the start of the story, this is where the query letter begins. Not the backstory.

In a palace full of princesses and prima donnas, the competition to become one of the Sultan‘s favorite wives is fierce. And as Ghuri discovers, even dangerous. When she becomes pregnant with the Sultan‘s son, Ghuri‘s life and the life of her unborn child are threatened by a group of scheming, powerful concubines who will do anything to bear an heir to the throne.

I don't understand why they are scheming against Ghuri if they want to bear an heir to the throne. Surely they should be scheming to leap into the sack with the Sultan. You've got two different kinds of conflict here and are not distinguishing them.


The Boy Who Had A Moon On His Forehead and A Star On His Chin, is complete at just over 45,000 words.

Whoa! The title of the book makes it sound like it's about the kid, not Ghuri at all. And 45,000 words? Is this a novel for adults? If so, it's WAY too short (75K is the norm). If it's a YA novel, it's still too short. And if it's a novel for middle grade kids, the focus on Ghuri, an adult, seems out of place.



Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

This is a form rejection.

#88-Revised Twice

Dear Query Shark:

Anne Wells expects nothing from life but to be married to the man she loves and to do what society expects in Regency England. Her easy plan becomes nearly impossible, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars. She is left a helpless, unclaimed woman in a world full of predatory men and is nearly forced by her parents into marriage to the unbearable Sir Thomas.

Why?? Why do her parents want her to marry the unbearable Sir Thomas?

I'm seeing a lot of this lately: events in books (or worse, queries) that are there because the writer needs them for the book NOT because the story needs the event to be cohesive. The story has to make sense. People don't just get married off to evil villains for no reason. It's the REASON that makes the story compelling!!

Her salvation comes in the shape of a “business proposal” from a handsome, near-stranger. named Edward Hill, who proposes a platonic marriage until her soldier returns to make her his again. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse, she accepts his hand.

Why on earth would some guy want a platonic marriage? What's in it for him? Again, the reason anyone would do this is why the story will be interesting.


There are a few aspects of her new endeavor, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier never returns from battle, and what if her marriage of convenience becomes something more? Anne must learn to face the endless complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where reputation is everything, and marriage is viewed as a business transaction.



I sought you as an agent because you were seeking my genre and I feel that we could work well together. My manuscript for Loyalty is 90,000 words and is available upon request.



Thank you for your consideration and your time.

Form rejection.
-----------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Anne Wells is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life. Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars, and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men. When she is nearly forced into marriage by her parents and the unbearable Sir Thomas (who views her as an object that he must possess) she readily accepts a “business proposal” from a man she hardly knows to remedy her sad situation. This man, Edward Hill, would act as a surrogate husband and would concede to annul the marriage upon her soldier’s return. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse than Mr. Hill, she accepts his hand. There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle and leaves her to endure a platonic marriage? And what if
Edward wants the business proposal to be something more?


What have I been telling you about big ass blocks of text?
All together now: DO NOT DO THIS.

Here's the opening paragraph with the white space you need in an email query:

Anne Wells is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life. Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars, and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men.

When she is nearly forced into marriage by her parents and the unbearable Sir Thomas (who views her as an object that he must possess) she readily accepts a “business proposal” from a man she hardly knows to remedy her sad situation.

This man, Edward Hill, would act as a surrogate husband and would concede to annul the marriage upon her soldier’s return. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse than Mr. Hill, she accepts his hand.

There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle and leaves her to endure a platonic marriage? And what if Edward wants the business proposal to be something more?

In the end, Anne learns the difference between fantasies and real life, and must face the complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where marriage is viewed as a business transaction.

I sought you as an agent because you expressed an interest in romance and historical fiction. My manuscript for Loyalty is 90,000 words and is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration and your time.

Now here's the critiqued version which has more white space cause I interjected my surly comments as well:

Anne Wells is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life.

This is tell not show. Telling not showing is a cardinal sin. What does she DO that would show us she's shy and naive about marriage and life.

Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the Napoleonic Wars, and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men.

If she's a woman in paragraph two, why is she a shy naive teenage girl in paragraph one? Why is she helpless. She's got parents.

When she is nearly forced into marriage by her parents and the unbearable Sir Thomas (who views her as an object that he must possess) she readily accepts a “business proposal” from a man she hardly knows to remedy her sad situation.

So, why do her parents want to force her into marriage with the unbearable Sir Thomas. And if they can force her to do stuff, how exactly is she going to marry this other guy without permission?

And why on god's green earth would she even be tempted to marry anyone at all other than her honey pie? And when honeypie comes home from the wars expecting a shy naive virgin, and sees instead a pregnant woman saying "I had to do something to avoid the unbearable Sir Thomas" he's going to smack from here to next Tuesday.

This man, Edward Hill, would act as a surrogate husband and would concede to annul the marriage upon her soldier’s return. Knowing that she has no other choice but to marry a man far worse than Mr. Hill, she accepts his hand.

No other choice? She hasn't even started to consider choices. The nunnery sounds good for a start.

There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle and leaves her to endure a platonic marriage? And what if Edward wants the business proposal to be something more?

She sounds like a twit, frankly. I'm not sure twits can carry an entire novel without your readers wanting to defenestrate her.

In the end, Anne learns the difference between fantasies and real life, and must face the complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where marriage is viewed as a business transaction.



I sought you as an agent because you expressed an interest in romance and historical fiction. My manuscript for Loyalty is 90,000 words and is available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration and your time.


Form rejection.



________________________

Original


Dear Query Shark,

I thought you might be interested in representing my novel, Loyalty, since you expressed an interest in romance and historical fiction. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Put the title of the book and the word count at the end. Start off with with the book is about.

Loyalty is about Anne Wellesley, who is the personification of a naive, teenage girl in early 19th century England with her ideals of marriage and life. Everything changes for her, however, when her sweetheart, George Jenkins, must depart to fight for England in the War of 1812,

the British don't call it the War of 1812; they call it The Napoleonic Wars*
(There's a very good post in the comment section that corrects this)


and she is left a helpless woman in a world full of predatory men. When a man she hardly knows, Edward Hill, offers to marry her to save her from the overzealous marriage plans of a scheming, decrepit knight

knight is a social order in 1812, not a military category; the British army and navy do not have "knight" as a rank*
(and the post in the comments section clarifies and corrects this too; make sure to read it)


and annul the marriage upon her lover’s return, she readily accepts. There are a few aspects of this plan, however, that she does not fully consider. What if her soldier dies in battle? And what if she falls in love with the wrong man?

Why the hell would she do this? You'll need to be much more specific about the danger she faces alone to make us believe she'd consider marrying someone for protection. Where's her family for starters?

In the end, Anne learns the difference between fantasies and real life, and must face the complications that arise while trying to survive and be happy in a world where marriage is viewed as a business transaction.

I have no writing credentials to recommend me except for my passion for reading and writing.

You don't need to mention that. If you have credentials, mention them. If you don't just leave this blank. You don't need credentials to write a novel.

Thank you for your consideration and your time.


*I'm sure you know that getting historical details wrong makes me crazy. CRAZY. It's instant rejection cause I know I'll be verifying every last detail through the book and I just do not want to do that. You HAVE to get this stuff right.


Form rejection.

#87-Revised

Dear Query Shark:

I found your name in Publisher's Weekly and read your biography on your agency's website. Since we share interests in urban fantasy, I thought you would be interested in my novel.

Alex changes her last name to elude the rapist stalking her.

Start with the most interesting thing about your novel. This isn't it. It's probably the dragon part.

She doesn't remember why he is stalking her, or much of anything anymore.

If she doesn't remember anything, how does she know he's stalking her?

But having strange powers, no memories and a rapist holding the key to it all, is enough to keep her far away from her past.

Far away from her past what? I'm far away from my past shenanigans in undergraduate school simply by virtue of time passing...stalker not required.

When she unwittingly rescues a dragon, her enemies have now doubled and she must decide what information she can, and can't, live without.

This makes zero sense to me particularly after all the other stuff about stalking, rapists, and steering clear of her past.

My manuscript is urban fantasy chick lit, approximately 90,000 words, and will appeal to the well established audience who enjoys a strong female protagonist.

Chick lit is funny, bright, and insouciant. You know something is chick lit cause it's first and foremost FUN. You've conveyed none of that here.

Form rejection

----------------------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL

Guardians

what? Is that the title? Generally you want to start with something more standard like "hello"
Alex, whose last name changes to elude the rapist stalking her, bursts into a New Orleans alley to rescue a mugging victim.

The last name thing is utterly confusing in this sentence, and is never referred to again.
After she has driven off the attackers with her fun neuro-electric powers, she realizes that not only has she interrupted a dragon hunt, she has helped the dragon. Perfect. But the dragon, Gabe, is more human than the criminals Alex fights, and saves her when the rapist, Morgan, returns. Alex flees with Gabe back to his brothers, Rile and Cale, who explain that they have been sent from their own world as a Calling to help others.


I'm totally confused here. You've got two masculine names, and two made up names and one gender neutral name. You don't have to name your characters Sylvia and Mabel but "Alex" and "Gabe" and "Rile" and "Cale" and "Morgan" are impossible to keep straight in one paragraph. Also, focusing on one character is best. Two at the most.

If I have to read a paragraph three times to parse out what's going on, it's a form rejection. I read this three times, slowly, and I'm still not sure I could tell you what's happening.
Alex reveals that she awoke recently, with strange powers and amnesia, in Morgan's bed, but she broke free to fight crime, preferring to die from a drug dealer's bullet. Cheerfully ignoring the psychopathology behind her actions, Alex makes advances to the non-human Gabe, using her powers as a euphorice and inflaming Rile's jealousy. When the brothers offer to discover her past, she flatly refuses. Having strange powers, no memories, and a rapist holding the key, is enough to keep her far away from her past. Instead she is drawn into their adventures, toppling dictatorships and rescuing victims of sexual slavery. The book shows how she handles new powers, memory loss, an obsessed rapist, and a team of quarreling brothers, with a mixture of humor, strength and a dash of understandable fear.
And where did the drug dealers come from? Drug dealers, dragons and rapists oh my. You've got too much going on here.

And there's more! Toppling dictatorships and rescuing victims of sexual slavery. Really too much going on here.

My manuscript is urban fantasy chick lit. There is a well established audience who enjoys a strong female protagonist, but are uncomfortable with the increasingly over erotica, as well as witchcraft and vampirism, the current mainstay of fantasy heroines.

Really? Those books sell pretty well. You're better off to stress what your book is about rather than taking pot shots at the bestsellers.

Focus on your main character. Describe the challenge she faces in simple straightforward sentences. Query letters needs to flow. It doesn't right now.

You've also not mentioned the word count. When you've got this much going on, I'm deeply suspicious the word count will be very high.
Form rejection.

#86

Dear Query Shark,

I can see the future. Great, right?

Not really.

Five minutes. That's what I get. Five minutes of the future.

Five minutes of fog so thick I can barely see, and, most often, vomit-inducing nausea to greet me when I come back to the present.

It's okay though. It's taken half my life for me to get a grip on this thing I call the Vision, but I've gotten used to it. Got a buddy to clean up after me. Got a girl. Well, she's a hooker, so I suppose
I bought a girl. Even scraped out a decent little life finding the occasional winning slot machine.

At least, it was okay. Until I started seeing the murders.


FIVE MINUTES is complete at just under 56,000 words. I'd be happy to provide a partial or complete manuscript for further review.

Thanks in advance for your consideration,


Holy moly, forget the critique, send this to me, all of it, at once. Word .doc attachment since I read everything on my spiffy new Kindle. NOW. I'm waiting.

Here's the critique: This arrived at 9:19am in my SharkTank mailbox. My normal procedure is a quick scan to make sure it's something I will consider (the shark doesn't chew on non-fiction or memoir, or picture books.) I read this, and posted it at once because I want to read it right now. That's EXACTLY the response you want in an agent: NOW! send NOW!

I was immediately drawn to the voice. It's vibrant and full of energy. More than anything I look for voice.

I don't even care that it's written in the voice of the protagonist, something that is mostly viewed as a gimmick.


I don't care there isn't much here in the way of description. The rudiments of a conflict or a dilemma are here: the murders. I can intuit that's a problem for the main character.

I don't care there's nothing else here, no pub creds, no bio, no nothing. I will read this with alacrity because it has the one essential thing: voice.

#85

Dear Query Shark

Frank, a recent graduate from the Young Gods Academy, has been assigned to manage a small, lower level planet on the outskirts of the universe.

Frank has always been awkward and accident prone, and, while at the Academy, lived in the shadow of his handsome best friend Kris. He was hoping for a fresh start, but the inhabitants of his new planet are not very god-friendly and the previous god made a mess of the maintenance.

When Kris visits unexpectedly, Frank hopes he would help with fixing up the planet, but his friend involves Frank’s unconventional – and unpopular – mother secretly, placing the planet’s future – and Frank’s career - in jeopardy. With the help of a group of celestials fond of the planet, Frank has to thwart his mother's plans and save his small planet from complete annihilation.

Young Gods is complete at 54000 words.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best wishes,



I'd read this cause it sounds funny, and it's got voice.
I look for voice before almost everything else.

#84-Revised twice

Revision 2:

Dear Query Shark,

The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.

Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia. At least she'd have her childhood hero, Professor Robert Harmon M.D., her former stepfather and the man who cured her otherwise terminal illness, to guide her along the way.

Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Putnam University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate settles into her new life in academia, Dr. Rob and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the group and their preternatural condition. A feat made more difficult by the bizarre murders plaguing the University and Kate's unusual immunity to their hypnotic powers.

To make matters worse, Kate's falling in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one -- her mysterious visions of a vampiric chivalrous knight or the ever present letch, oozing sex appeal and lustful abandon.

As with most lawyers, who always seem to find out what you least want them to know, Kate soon discovers the true nature of the Covenant. Worse still, the Covenant's enemies and rival vampires realize that Kate, and her unusual immunity to vampiric powers, pose a threat to themselves and a weapon against the Covenant. Kate has no choice but to seek the Covenant's protection.

With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them, Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.

As Kate fights for her very life,(cliche!!) she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted ex-stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?

Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance. The full manuscript is available upon request. (of course it is!) I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Putnam University.

Very Truly Yours,

There's more of your wit showing through in this one.

There's a huge debate in our office about whether vampires are dead (ha). What I mean of course, is whether the vampire category is last year's hot topic. I'm not taking anything vampiric unless it's a wildly new approach just cause the editors I talk to always need to hear something very new and fresh right now.

To that end you might focus less on the backstory and more on the reason's Kate survived cancer. Get to the fresh and original part and focus there.


-------------------------------------------------
REVISION 1:
Dear Query Shark:

The unwritten rule of nature is that people fall into one of three categories: the living, the dead or the undead. Kate Harmon is blissfully unaware that she is the exception.

What is she?

Kate, a childhood cancer survivor, grew up in the Hollywood "glamour biz" under the shadow of her powerbroker mother. Graduating from law school, she worried her life would to be spent swimming with sharks, but vampires? It certainly wasn't what Kate expected when she accepted a live in faculty position in the quiet world of academia.



Unfortunately for Kate, the hallowed halls of Hudson University are far more treacherous than doing lunch on Rodeo Drive. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive vampire society known only as “the Covenant” attempt to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the murders plaguing the University since her arrival.


He's her ex-physician? He's a physician and her ex-stepfather, most likely. Consider: Her former stepfather, physician Dr. Robert Harmon and his secret vampire society.

Why do they care if she knows?

To make matters worse, Kate's fallen in love with a Covenant vampire. She's just not sure which one.

Why? She's having vampire orgies?

With the Covenant's enemies arrayed against them (them who?), Kate is forced to flee the University with only her wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril to protect her.

Why does falling in love with a vampire make her an enemy of the secret vampire society. If anything, it's rather flattering isn't it? You haven't mentioned that perhaps she's come into some dangerous knowledge about the murders.

As Kate fights for her very life, she realizes the question is not how to survive. Rather, its how did she survive? What miraculous cure for terminal cancer did her devoted stepfather find to save his child? Or did he?



Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance. The full manuscript is available upon request. I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.

Unless you get money from someone for calling this place Hudson University, I wouldn't. We all know it's the Law & Order name for Columbia. There are a lot of other perfectly good names for Universities: Query Shark College comes to mind instantly.

Very Truly Yours,


I'm very impressed with the improvement but you need another polish, maybe two.


--------------------------------------------------------

ORIGINAL


(name) ESQ.

ATTORNEY AND COUNSELOR AT LAW

(address) New York 10541
TELEPHONE: (redacted) (email redacted)
FACSIMILE: (redacted)



October 20, 2008

VIA Email to (Query Shark)

Submissions: Attn. Query Shark


Re: Submission for BLOODLINES: A Hudson University Novel

You've squandered the first 16 lines of your email with your return address and the date. My email window shows the first 20 lines of an email.

Don't do this.

ALL email queries should have your contact info at the conclusion of the email.

Dear Query Shark:

Nothing could have prepared Kate Harmon, a childhood cancer survivor and recent law school graduate, for the passionate and dangerous world of her stepfather’s past when she leaves behind the glitz of her mother’s Hollywood life to take a teaching position with him in the hallowed halls of Hudson University. Bloodlines is a 129,000 word paranormal romance thriller and the first in the Hudson University series. The full manuscript is available upon request.

There's no such thing as a paranormal romance thriller. Categories are "paranormal romance" or "thriller" or "urban fantasy" or "commercial fiction". One or two words. No more.

Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae. Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down. While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery. All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival. Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life. As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both. Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?

This large block of text is literally unreadable on a computer screen. It's like a big inkblot.
White space is CRUCIAL in an email query.


Compare the above to this:

Bloodlines is the story of Kate’s journey to find an identity of her own after growing up in the shadow of her powerbroker mother, Mae.

Excited by the prospect of her newly acquired position as a live in faculty mentor and professor, she is blissfully unaware of the new shadows about to overtake her life. Her ex-stepfather and physician, Dr. Robert Harmon and his secretive society known only as “the Covenant” are about to turn her search for a quiet life of introspection upside down.

Well, I'm not sure how "a quiet life of introspection" fits in with "live in faculty mentor" but ok.


While Kate works to settle into her new life in academia, she struggles with the onset of unexplained bouts of extreme rage and passion focused primarily on the three men in her life: the damaged but steadfast, Vince; the ever exasperating letch, Jax; and the mysterious dark specter, Avery.

You've got six characters introduced in fewer than 100 words. This is a common mistake in queries: trying to get everything on the page. Focus. Your main character. What's her problem? What choices does she face? What's her dilemma? Leave out all the rest.

All the while, Dr. Rob attempts to maintain Kate’s ignorance of the series of bizarre attacks and murders plaguing the University and its surrounding community since her arrival.



Kate’s inquisitive and analytical nature prove impossible to control as she begins to unravel the mysterious past which haunts Dr. Rob, the Covenant members and Kate herself. As natural and seemingly supernatural forces converge on the University, Kate is forced to flee for her life.


As the enemies allayed against her begin the manhunt, Kate realizes her only protection from the maelstrom are her own wits, her mother’s notoriety and the man who is either the love of her life or the cause of her peril, or perhaps both.

Do you mean allied against her? Allay means to calm a strong emotion, for example, anger, or diminish and set at rest somebody’s fears or suspicions; or, to relieve or reduce the severity of pain or a painful emotion.

Misusing words is one of the things that sends a query letter to the rejection pile no matter how enticing the subject matter may be. Words are your tools and if you aren't using them correctly, it bodes ill for the novel.



Can Kate and the mysterious members of the Covenant find a way to withstand the onslaught brought about by their own tortured past?

I thought the Covenant was the antagonist? I'm confused.


I am not yet a published author. Most of my recent written work has focused on legal writing as the law clerk for a federal judge and attorney. Prior to my legal pursuits, I was a university student service administrator. I now maintain my practice while also teaching as an adjunct professor in (redacted) New York, where I live with my wife and two children.



I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to introduce you further into the eerie and spellbinding world of Hudson University.



Very Truly Yours,





(redacted), Esq.


This is pretty much a mess from start to finish.
There are some pretty good examples in postings #1-#83 that can help you revise.
Right now this is an instant rejection.

#83-Revision

REVISION:

Dear Query Shark:

London's most notorious house of ill repute might not be the ideal sanctuary for a young woman of gentle breeding, but it's certainly the last place anyone will think to look for her. And all Blaire Glendow needs for a few months is a place to hide.

It seems ideal: Blaire's got the disguise, the guts, and the ingenuity to pull it all off. Unfortunately, she's also got a love of mischief that can't help but rear it's (its)conspicuous head from time to time. So when Jack Crafton, a sardonic viscount who sees little to admire in the cheerful house of sin, catches on to one of her quirks, it seems that Blaire may have to give up her ruse and place her trust in the one man who sees right through her facade.

Jack doesn't know which is the stronger motivation behind his actions: his urge to succumb to Blaire's impish charms or his repulsion at what he thinks is her entanglement in the brothel's seedier activities. Either way, he finds himself playing the errant white knight to one of the most ungrateful, opinionated, obstinate—and enchanting young women he's ever known.

Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel. I would be happy to submit my completed 107,000-word manuscript for your review.

Thank you so much for your consideration and for all that you do for the online writing community. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yup, that works.
Nicely done.

Of course I don't need to tell you that spelling mistakes are not a good thing. You know that.

--



--------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

It's hard to stay upbeat when you've got no money, nowhere to go, and no one to turn to—oh, and an evil guardian hunting you down. Never one for adopting missish airs, Blaire Glendow does what any gently-bred young lady would do in her situation. She runs to the nearest brothel, where, amid dazzling beauties and a proprietress with a deep love of drama, she
fabricates a persona that has everyone fooled.

Is this a satire? Are you making fun of the category? I'm not sure what to make of this.

Except for Lord Crafton. A notorious society bachelor who comes complete with inexplicable scar and brooding nature, he sees right through Blaire's facade. And he wants what he sees.

And I'm still confused.


Prey to a mischievous nature that can't help but rear its fun-loving head at the most inappropriate intervals, Blaire suddenly finds herself whisked away to London, where she she meets an amusing cast of characters with Lord Crafton's best interests at heart. Her heart isn't
far behind, and as she softens toward the indomitable man with his wry punctuating smiles, her body soon follows.

There's a lot of description here and not much else. And I'm still confused about whether this is a joke or not.

When a society scandal forces Lord Crafton's hand in the direction of his best friend's sister, there is only one person able to provide a solution that keeps friendships and a burgeoning love intact. Blaire accepts the challenge and is launched into the role of a lifetime—provided the curtain isn't closed for good when the limelight places her in the direct path of her guardian's rage.

He's mad because of the punctuating smiles isn't he?
Or that brothel adventure?

Tapping into the fast-paced folly and fun frivolity redolent of Heyer's Regency England, Handsome Jack is my first novel. It fuses my love of all things fiction with a successful professional freelance writing career that has placed my blog on the list of Top Ten Blogs for Writers for the past two years running. I would be happy to submit my completed 107,000-word manuscript for your review.

"all things fiction" You don't really want to say that. Unless this is a joke.

Thank you so much for your consideration and for all that you do for the online writing community. I look forward to hearing from you.


Regency romances may be frothy but they aren't satires, and they aren't ironic. Your tone and word choice here make me think you're making fun of things, not having fun with the tropes of the category.

I'm not sure what exactly to make of this, and that's really not the response you're looking for in a query letter.

If Blaire were to write about her situation, how would she describe it? Writing the first draft in her voice might help you get the tone right. Don't write the final version in her voice, that's too gimmicky for serious consideration, but there's a real problem with tone here that is getting in the way of being taken seriously.

Let's all remember too, that Regency romances aren't my forte. Anyone else who reads these more regularly than I should feel free to offer an opinion in the comment section.

#82

Dear Query Shark:

Narissa is a lot of things—smart, outspoken, thick-skinned—but above all else she's dependable. She's spent half her life caring for her younger sister. Until now. After all, it's kind of hard to take care of someone when you're in another dimension.

No one meant for Narissa to be lifted into this dimension. There's a gateway connecting the worlds, but no one knows where it is. Determined to get back to her sister, Narissa sets out to locate the elusive gate. As she begins her search, Narissa finds herself the object of unwanted attention and gossip, which escalate as people begin to notice the way she's captured the interest of one of their leaders - prickly, reclusive Daman.


Even as she searches for her way home, Narissa finds herself attracted to life in this new dimension. She has friends here, and people who love her. Narissa faces a choice she's never considered before: should she continue putting her responsibilities to her sister first, or allow herself to have the life she really wants?

My young adult fantasy, The Refuge, is complete at 84,000 words. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is quite capable of standing on its own. The Refuge is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,



Well, this works for me.
I'd read the first five pages or so to get a sense of the writing.
Nice job.

#80

Dear Query Shark:

Having found writers like X and Y on your list of authors, I hope you'll consider the mystery I Don't Do Windows for representation.

Having found writers is a terrible start. Short, declarative sentences: I hope you'll consider (title) for representation. I'm querying because you represent X and Y.

While I've redacted the two names here, let me take this opportunity to stand on my soapbox about "because you represent so-and-so you'll be interested in me."

First, get the names right. I don't represent anyone named Y. I'm guessing it's a typing mistake but still, this is something to triple check.

I also don't represent X anymore, and X hasn't been on my list of clients for more than two years. That's sloppy research. It's a fact of agency life that clients come and go, but if I haven't sold anything for an author in two plus years, that person is NOT the best choice for a comparison. My recent sales are on my website; most are listed at Publishers Marketplace. THOSE are the ones to use for comparison.

None of that really matters though. I overlook all of it because I don't really give a rodent's rear end about why you query. Some agents do though, so don't mess this up by being careless.

I Don’t Do Windows continues the popular tradition of smart-mouthed female sleuths(period) , but Kay Brushett has no intention of spending nights eating in her car, checking out suspicious noises in dark basements, or peering through windows.

Topic sentences that run for three lines are too long. This is the place for punchy, attention getting concise prose. You'd do well to ditch this and start here:

Brushett inherited her agency and quickly discovered she was totally unsuited to traditional private investigations. Instead, this detective is a child of the digital age. Dragged into a murder investigation that started as a simple domestic surveillance of a cheating husband, Brushett faces increasingly immediate danger when she accidently records proof of earlier murders. Unfortunately for Brushett, not all of her digital tactics fit neatly within the law, alienating her from local law enforcement just when she could most use their co-operation. Her fears for her own safety will resonate with readers -- and send her back to the illegal, but, necessary tools that may keep her ahead of a smart killer.

This doesn't hold together logically. She doesn't want to peer into windows etc paired with accidentally records don't match. And what "digital tactics" do you mean? Recording? She could be carrying around a reel to reel tape recorder in her panties from that phrase. Be specific.

Her fears for her own safety will resonate with readers--what? That's called suspense, and it's part and parcel of any good crime novel. Saying your main character faces danger is like saying the words are written in English; obvious to the point that by mentioning it you beg for a sardonic and sarcastic response. This is NOT what you want here.

Not only a complete 95,000 word novel to appeal to fans of the cozy and lighter procedurals, I Don’t Do Windows is every woman’s DIY guide to finding out what her guy really does when he’s not with her!

This is meant to be funny I'm sure, but it misses the mark.

Procedurals usually mean police procedurals and a police officer is the main character. That's not what you described earlier.

While I Don't Do Windows is a first mystery, my published non-fiction includes pop culture titles (redacted but quite extensive). My day job is contributing writer / editor / publisher of (redacted) which was started from scratch in 2000 and enjoys a loyal readership.

Thank you for your time and consideration! (I see my campaign to make this the correct closing on all query letters is working. Excellent!)

Sincerely

The writing is enough to make me say no even if there was a more compelling description of the plot. Most agents see ONLY your query letter so you've GOT to make it energetic and enticing. No ass-backwards sentence constructions unless you really mean it (ie having found writers like X and Y on your list; not only a complete novel). Subject, verb, clause. There's a lot to be said for plain, simple, elegant writing.

Form rejection.

#79

Dear Query Shark,

Have you ever peeked into someone else's medicine cabinet?

Or gotten a little thrill when you‚ve found yourself alone in another person‚s private space, like your boss‚s office after hours or your host‚s bedroom when you‚ve taken a wrong turn on the way to the bathroom?

Have you ever tingled with excitement as you watched the main character of a spy movie riffle through a cabinet drawer taking pictures of its contents, wishing the whole time it was you holding the tiny camera shaped like a pen?

You've taken up three paragraphs to describe one thing. Overkill. Get to the point.

Come on, you know you have. But the difference between Katie Tremaine and you is that this particular twenty-nine-year-old accountant can‚t control her urges to sneak around like a cat burglar or pretend to be James Bond. Katie is addicted to snooping around places she shouldn‚t be the way other people are addicted to cigarettes, chocolate cake or gambling, but there is nothing Katie can do for her particular jones short of joining the CIA or turning to a life of crime ˆ and she‚s really not into the whole danger, life-threatening thing.


So, I see that last sentence and think: how many other 56 word sentences are in this book? And that's it. I look at that and all I can see is "this is gonna need work." If you were describing something I'd never seen before it might be different but you've got a snooper (a tired trope) and the prospect of a lot of editing. I'd stop reading right here and say no thanks. Yes this is unfair; yes I might miss something. That's all true. It's still exactly what I'd do.

Assuming she will forever keep her semi-illicit urges under wraps, Katie is shocked when her friend Bernie, a private investigator, uncovers her proclivities and immediately grasps the usefulness of Katie talents. Bernie offers Katie the opportunity to make $5,000 retrieving a valuable piece of jewelry for one of his socialite clients from her ex-husband‚s estate. But when both the client and the ex wind up murdered, it‚s handsome police detective John Flynn who discovers Katie‚s involvement in the case and that her fingerprints are all over both crime scenes ˆ and Katie soon wishes she‚d taken up basket weaving instead of burglarizing.

There's a fundamental failure of logic here. Snooping doesn't mean sneak thief. If she's stealing stuff, you need to mention it in the first paragraph. And you'll want to go easy on the "only difference" cause I may have been known to open a medicine cabinet but I've never actually tried to steal the host's tiara.

Please consider reviewing my 85,000-word mystery novel The Taker. Thank you for your time and attention,as I know both are valuable. Yea well yours are too, let's not get all gushy and stuff.
And "reviewing" isn't what I do. Michiko reviews. I consider. I read. I fling myself at work I love. I do not review.

Sincerely,


Don't you love all those weird ass punctuation marks? Yea, me neither. It doesn't stop me from reading your query, but if you are obsessive about this kind of thing you need to figure out how to make it stop. Commenters here will have good advice about it too, I'm sure.

#78-Revised 3x

THIRD REVISION

Dear QS,

Three thousand years ago, Loki, the Norse God of Mischief, created a game called The Social Experiment in which two mortals are selected to partake in a firsthand historical game of "What if?" One is instructed to preserve history; the other, to change it. The game's intent, however, is not to affect history or alter the future; though history can be shifted and the future can be changed, The Social Experiment was devised to provide the gods with greater insight into the human condition.

For this particular iteration, Loki selects an unsuspecting high school sophomore, Elena Fantino, to preserve the fates. Loki transports her to Rome, 44 B.C., tells her the rules of the game, and disappears. To win the game, to return to the home she knows, Elena must ensure that the following questions go unanswered:



What if Julius Caesar hadn't been killed by Brutus?

What if Anne Boleyn had drowned in her youth?

What if Pierre Picaud – Alexandre Dumas' real life Edmond Dantès – hadn't been framed by his friends?



The Social Experiment is a 45,000 word young-adult novel that begins and ends in high school. In between, Elena travels to ancient Rome, medieval England, and Napoleonic France. Difficult choices await her at each destination: letting Julius Caesar die would be much easier if he didn't have a strong resemblance to her father; saving Anne Boleyn wouldn't be hard at all if she didn't bear a striking similarity to Elena's high school nemesis; allowing Pierre Picaud to be named a spy wouldn't be so bad if he weren't such a gallant man. However, if Elena fails to preserve history, she will be stuck in a time and place far different than present day Manhattan.



The completed manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your time and consideration,


Hot damn. This works. Nice revision!


---

REVISION

Dear Query Shark,

There is a game played amongst the gods called The Social Experiment. Imagine it as a grand game of "What if?"


What if Julius Caesar hadn't been killed by Brutus?

What if Anne Boleyn had drowned in her youth?

What if Pierre Picaud – Alexandre Dumas' real life Edmond Dantès – hadn't been framed by his friends?


Elena Fantino is about to play her first game of historical "What if?", courtesy of Loki, the Norse God of Mischief. To win the game, to ensure her fate, the above questions must go unanswered. Straightforward enough, but then the game begins. Letting Julius Caesar die would be much easier if he didn't have a strong resemblance to her father. Saving Anne Boleyn wouldn't be hard at all if she didn't bear a striking similarity to Elena's high school nemesis. Allowing Pierre Picaud to be named a spy wouldn't be so bad if he weren't such a gallant man.

To win the game, to ensure her fate, the above questions must go unanswered. This is too generic to mean much. What happens if she does save Caesar? Does she die? Develop zits? Become an indentured servant in the Shark Tank?

This is a key element of a good query letter: why do any of these events or choices matter. Without the answer to the question "so what" the response is 'ho hum' and that's not what you're looking for unless you are the group sing leader at the Mustang Ranch.


The Social Experiment is a 45,000 word young-adult novel that begins and ends in high school. In between, Elena must decide whether winning the game is more important than doing the right thing. Loki provides obstacles at every turn to make sure that she's as conflicted as possible; he's the God of Mischief, after all, and nothing delights him more than hearing his human guinea pigs squeal.

What is the right thing? Drowning Anne Boleyn? Hmmm.

Is Loki a major character? Having him toy with humans just cause he can is pretty boring. It's like a serial killer who is pure evil. Nuance is interesting; complex motivation is interesting. "Cause I want to" ...not so much.
If you would like to see the manuscript or a synopsis, I can send it at your convenience. Thanks for your time and consideration,


This isn't compelling yet. Form rejection.
-----------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

Skylar Fox often wishes she were a normal girl going to a normal high school. Her father's a mob boss, her only friend's the DA's son, and she's the laughing stock of Gracemont Prep, school to Manhattan's rich and famous. If that wasn't bad enough, Sky's just been selected by the Norse God of Mischief to partake in a historical game of "What if?" known as The Social Experiment.

You've got WAY too much going on here. The fact that she's the daughter of a mob boss and her pal is the DA's son (problematic at best, reeks of device) doesn't have anything to do with the Norse God of Mischief sending her off on Bill & Ted's Incredible Adventure part deus ex machina.


What if Caesar hadn't been killed by Brutus? What if Anne Boleyn had drowned in her youth? What if The Count of Monte Cristo were a romance? (I'm pretty sure the Count of Monte Cristo is a novel, not a historical figure; the person most closely resembling the story is named Pierre Picaud)

Sky must travel through history to ensure that these questions remain unanswered; she wins if the fates are kept. Her friend, Finneas Huckleberry Finn, (who?) wins if the fates are changed.

History, unfortunately, has a striking similarity to Sky's modern day existence. (I don't understand what that means) Choices that seemed easy - allowing Caesar to die, saving Anne Boleyn - are far more difficult than she'd imagined. (why?) Worst of all, Finn is hiding a terrible secret that could forever destroy their friendship. (He's Luke's father?)

Terrible secrets smack of melodrama. There's just no way to have that phrase in a query letter and have it taken seriously. Be specific. What's the problem. What's he hiding. You can tone down the melodrama and it will actually be more dramatic.
The Social Experiment is a 45,000 word young-adult story that begins and ends in high school.

You do all this in 45,000 words? My left eyebrow took the elevator to the top of my beehive 'do on that statement. You've got a LOT going on for 45K words.

In between, two friends tied together by their inferior social status (what?) travel from ancient Rome to Napoleonic France. Their journey is fraught with danger, intrigue, jealousy, and secrecy. Through it all, Sky discovers who she is and ultimately realizes that her relationship with Finn extends far beyond friendship. (oh great, she's Luke's mother)

If you would like to see the manuscript or a synopsis, I can send it at your convenience. Thanks for your time and consideration,


I also have a thing about made up sounding names like Skylar Fox. Names need to make sense in a story and I don't know about you but the mob bosses we read about here in NYC tend to be Italian and Catholic and name their daughters things like Maria and Francesca and Constanzia. Or saint's names. Last I looked Skylar wasn't a saint and since it's drawn from the Danish and means fugitive, my guess is no mob boss would name his kid that.

And yes, this is picky as hell. Yes, I had to look all that stuff up to tell you why it sounded wrong, but I've said before; I'll say it again, you have to tune up your sense of how a novel works so you see this yourself. You don't have to know why it doesn't work, but you need to be able to look at "Skylar Fox" and think "nahhhh."



This is a form rejection right now.

#77 Revision

Revision:
Dear Query Shark,

What happens when two best friends fall for the same girl? What if they are in the fifth grade and she mysteriously disappeared in the eighth grade before either of them had a chance to declare their love? Would she slip out of their memories or would she stay to punish them forever?

She punishes them cause she moved away in 8th grade?

For one friend, Rob, he finds the girl and they are married. For the other, Mitch, he endures years of wondering. He thought he just drifted from his friend Rob but really Rob escaped the certain anger of his bigger, stronger friend. Mitch remembered how they were inseparable and he remembered Leslie’s soft hair and precious smile. Nothing consumed his mind more than the last image of her, forever engraved in his thoughts.

For one friend, Rob, he, and For the other, Mitch, he is just plain bad grammar. If you don't know why, you need a class on remedial writing. It is entirely possible to be a pretty smart person and not have a grasp of the fundamentals of grammar. It's not a character flaw either. An awful lot of English classes in the primary and secondary schools don't teach grammar anymore. Quite frankly, I learned most of what I know about English grammar in French class.

However, you do have to learn this stuff. You have to tune up your ear so when you break the rules, you do so intentionally.

Was it coincidence or predestination that Rob’s daughter and Mitch’s son would meet and fall in love? What will happen when Mitch sees Leslie again and what will he do to his old friend?


Unlikely Angels, an 86,000 word novel takes you through a journey of the lives of two men. Unlikely Angels explores their emotions and how they conquer the adolescent issues in life. It describes the feelings teenagers have and how they succumb to sexual temptations or how they can overcome them. Unlikely Angels proves that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence and “no matter how hot someone is, someone, somewhere, is tired of them.”

You're trying to do too much here. You're talking about themes. You need to talk about plot. Also, we have no sense of what either of these men is like.

Unlikely Angels takes the reader to a spiritual place in preparation for More Unlikely Angels and the continuing story of life, death and triumph.


After More Unlikely Angels the story can continue.



Your reconsideration would be is appreciated.

Sincerely,

You've got some major problems here. Your writing needs more than just an edit. You really need writing classes that will teach you to express yourself more clearly. If you can't look at what you've got here and identify some of the major problems, just by reading it, you need more basic help than what this blog is about. And remember: every single person who comments on this blog, writes this blog, and writes the books you read, EVERY single one had to go to class to learn this stuff. It's how we all started.

Right now it's hard to understand what you're trying to write about because sentences like this Nothing consumed his mind more than the last image of her, forever engraved in his thoughts make sense to you but they don't make sense to me.
----------------------------------------

ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark,

It was the first day of the fifth grade when best friends Mitch and Rob met the girl of their dreams. Her name was Leslie and she was gorgeous. Both boys masterfully kept their cool around Leslie while they shared her as their new best friend.


Everyday the boys secretly plotted to tell her their feelings, but when the opportunities arose, the nerve was lost. As the years passed and the boys matured and so did their desire for Leslie, right up to the day that she disappeared.


Leslie’s mother was a fugitive from the law and so the family disappeared without a trace. When the police arrived to arrest her they found Mitch had entered the empty house and it was a close call for the eighth grader.


Both Mitch and Rob were heartbroken.


Mitch commanded to Rob that if, they ever saw Leslie again, she would be his forever. So when the boys went to separate Universities there were no reasons for Rob to tell Mitch he had found Leslie. She had undergone a transformation for the worse. Rob knew his love could save her from the evils of her new life, so they married and he gave her a daughter, Lisa.

At UCLA Mitch was a star football player and he was happy with his new wife, Jamie. Jamie and Mitch finished college and started their own family with a son named Nathan.

When Lisa and Nathan became adults they chose the theatre as careers, Nathan as an up and coming actor and Lisa the prop girl. In between scenes Nathan nosed around and found the prop room and that is where he found Lisa. It was love at first sight and so marriage was eminent.

Mitch and Rob hadn’t seen each other in over twenty years so imagine Mitch’s surprise when he came face to face with his old friend and the first love he had longed for since childhood.

Nothing went smooth until the men went fishing on Nathan’s actor friend, Brad’s fishing boat. Enamored with Brad the young men hung on his every word. Alcohol flowed and the young men retreated below for movies and conversation. Mitch and Rob stayed above to continue fishing until “the big one” pulled little Rob into the water. With life ring in hand Mitch dove in to save Rob.

They floated for days until they found a deserted island. Food was not abundant for the pair who weakened daily. They survived for eighteen months until only one was rescued.

After the sole survivor passed away their kids had a child of their own and now the friends are tied to the new child as “Unlikely Angels.”

Almost 86,000 words make up Unlikely Angels.



Your consideration would be appreciated.


Sincerely,

This is a series of events, not a plot. The description lacks compelling energy or excitement. Some of the phrases are inadvertently funny:
Nothing went smooth until the men went fishing on Nathan’s actor friend

It's got a lot of misspellings and misused words. I don't mind mistakes, I can overlook that; stuff happens, I make more than my share too. But, I can tell when it's not just a typo. Eminent, commanded to: those are errors that tell me you aren't careful in your use of language. I look at how you use language in a query letter. That and voice are the two biggest things I respond to. Your voice is flat, and you're misusing words.

Form rejection.

#76-Revisions

REVISION:

Dear Query Shark,

I am writing you because you represented [Title] by [Author's Name].

The Last Catholic (90,000 words) is a psychological novel telling the story of how an introspective young man becomes someone like Hamlet. Caught between an abusive alcoholic father and a fanatically religious mother, the protagonist (use his name) finds their conflicts mirrored in his attempts to attain sexual freedom. The novel traces the development of this subject from the protagonist's childhood to age 19 when he leaves home to go to college. In focusing on the psychological conflicts between religion and sexuality the book is broadly relevant to major concerns in religion in America today.

This sounds like an academic treatise, not an interesting novel. What's the protagonist's central conflict, SPECIFICALLY. Attain sexual freedom isn't specific. Most 17 year old boys I know think sexual freedom is having a steady girlfriend whose parents are out of town most of the time.

I was a University Professor for 33 years. I taught a variety of courses in the history of Drama, Modern and Postmodern American Fiction, and Interdisciplinary Studies. I have also worked for over two decades now as an actor in regional theater. I am the author of seven published books on a variety of subjects in Philosophy, Psychoanlaysis, and Cultural Studies and also three full-length plays. (Descriptions of these books, selections from them and a complete Vita are abailable on my website: redacted).

If you need any other information, please don't hesitate to contact me by email at: redacted.

Yours sincerely,


You have not effectively communicated why we should care about any of these characters. There is no plot. I notice you don't mention the word count. If it's still 350,000 words, that's going to come out at some point in the query process believe me. You'd do well to mention what the word count is if you've pared it down. If you haven't, you need to. Even epic fantasy doesn't run that high very often. Form rejection.



ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

I am writing you because you represented [Title] by [Author's Name]. I therefore think you will find my novel of interest.

The first sentence implies the second. You don't need to spell out the obvious here. I find this kind of writing among academics because the writing style required in professional journals requires the outline of logical step. Novels and query letters allow for intuitive leaps.


Titled The Last Catholic, my novel (350,000 words) deals with the conflict between religion and sexuality in the life of a young man of working class origins growing up in Chicago in the 50's and 60's whose life changes when he gets the chance to go away to college. Written in a syle of lyric naturalism, The Last Catholic dramatizes the conflicts created by a strict religious upbringing in a secular world. In this sense the subject is contemporary and broadly relevant

I stop reading at 350,000.
This is too long by a factor of three.
Novels run 70-100,000 words.
Anything more than that just raises the bar.

Just reading the query letter shows me that can probably cut your word count in half with some judicious pruning.



I was a University Professor for 33 years. I taught a variety of courses in the history of Drama, Modern and Postmodern American Fiction, and Interdisciplinary Studies in the relationship of Literature to Philosophy, Psychology and Politics. I have also worked for over two decades now as an actor in regional theatre. I am the author of seven published books on a variety of subjects in philosophy, psychoanalysis and cultural studies and also three full length plays. (Descriptions of these books, selections from them and a complete Vita are available on my website: redacted)

If you need any other information, please don't hesitate to contact me by email at: (redacted) I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

#75

Dear Query Shark:


Angie Porter has never wanted kids. Instead, she has an apartment above the bookstore she owns with her friend Peter, two cats, and a boyfriend who doesn't ask for more time or commitment than she's willing to give. Her life is as comfortable and confining as a snail's shell. Then Iraq invades Kuwait and Peter is called to active duty. His anthropologist wife is in Africa and unreachable. Angie reluctantly agrees to take care of Peter's three boys until Maureen comes home. Weeks pass by with no word from Maureen. Angie becomes “not-mom” to kids devastated by their parents’ absence. The pressures of a life she never wanted knock down the protective walls Angie has built around herself. By the time Maureen finally comes home, Angie has lost everything that mattered to her, gained some things she never knew she wanted, and is ready to rebuild her life.


WINNING THE WAR AT HOME is a 68,800-word novel in a vein similar to the work of Laurie Colwin and Cathleen Schine. The first chapter took third place in the Alabama Writers' Conclave's 2008 writing contest.


After twenty-five years as a small business owner, I am now a full time freelancer. I have two mid-grade books scheduled for publication in the next six months and am a regular contributor to Learning Through History, Piecework, and the "Artists on War" department of Military History Quarterly.


I would be pleased to send a partial or complete manuscript of WINNING THE WAR AT HOME for your review. Thank you for your consideration.







And we have a winner. I'm all over this one.



Here's what I like: it's topical for starters, and yet evergreen. The voice is taut, not over-emotional, but we know the emotion is there. It's been seen by what sound like knowledgeable folks. And I just plain want to read it.